fujosheaven

[fujosheaven]

think ive hit rock bottom again

but yknow, oh well? maybe its a new low, cs i cant bring myself to care very much. its like all my energy is completely gone and all i do is chase dopamine so i can try and feel normal but by doing so im rotting away

i cant remember when i showered last, what day of the week it is, what im supposed to do, anything

its always been like that but its worse again

i thought i was gonna get better now that the suns coming back but i tried to hard and now ive fallen all the way back down

its like climbing up a steep cliffside, one wrong step and you slide all the way back down. hell, the marks youve made n the tears n the sweat only make the wall steeper and the hole deeper, so why do you try anyways?

i dont know. ive never truly had enough energy to get better, but it was easier to pretend. now, most of the time its just apathy. i cant bring myself to care anymore, ive already fucked it up enough. its so much easier to hide behind something thatll make me temporarily happy and make me forget than try to face the mess ive made.

maybe thats why people do drugs. im such a damn coward, cant even own up to what ive done to myself. its all my fault, and yet i cant even fix it. whats that make me? im no better than anyone else, im worse. do you have to look so disappointed? i was never going to amount to anything big anyways, ive never had the passions and dreams that you do.

god, im so tired. it would be nice to never have to do anything again. if i could just drop out and rot away maybe id eventually get up? likely not. wishful thinking.

it must be easier for someone whos less selfish than me, i couldnt even end it all cs im too much of a wuss, and i just cant give up all my superficial things. would be nice if i believed in God and He could give me salvation. i understand why people do, but i cant. not like i deserve salvation anyways, what the hell have i done? been nice to people? everyone could do that. its not like im special, no, theres nothing important about me. im never going to make an impact, and thats always been fine with me. but that was because i had things to enjoy. now im losing that too, fuck.

im so useless and disgusting i dont know why people still like me. i try my best to fake it, i dont want them to notice, but it hurts that they dont notice regardless. im too scared to accept your help, but god, the offer would feel nice. id just brush it off with an 'im okay, dont worry, its nothing' anyways. whole lotta nothing, in fact. its all made up in my head, so why cant i let myself go?

[fujosheaven]

feeling bad abt buying things with my own money is so silly

i debated for a whole week abt restocking my favorite lotion n sugar scrub

hhh i picked up a moisturizer too i hope its nice

i want to go to the mall n ross tmrw i need to hit target or ulta to buy the perfume i want + new clothesss i need to be cute yknow

but i hate when its my money im always paranoid im overspending like wdym i have like $100 worth of self care stuff even though i literally use it all n it makes me feel good i feel like im overconsuming 😣😣

js dropped the toner i tried cs it didnt rlly do anything for me but the moisturizer replaces it... i should get a real job so i can be less concerned

but is it too much to buy an amazon packagw like every month ?? most of it is js restocking what im running low on n its like 35-50$ at a time cs id rather die than pay shipping 😞😞

at least im happy fr but th3 guilt bro omllll

[fujosheaven]

i dunno if ive ever been in a worse place.

god, my head hurts.

nothing gets better even when i manage to get up and try

its all pointless im so so tired i dont want to do any of it anymore

but nobody pays close enough attention to notice so it all looks totally fine

i dont want them to know. im so scared of what someone would wanr to do anyways

i think someone forcing my hand would makes rhings sm worse

i tend to get defensive anyways i hate lying all the time like this

to me its so obvious, but apparently to everyone else everything looks nirmal !!

maybe they just dont care enough. could be.

i just want to sleep and sleep and never get up again

god i miss summer it always gets so bad in winter i dont want to take it anymore im so tired

hashtags n shit makss me feel like im faking evergthing

wouodnt that be funny im always bringing everything on myself its always always all my fault

simetimes i crave for an excuse jusr anything that would mean its not just all on me for being so lazy and not doing what im supoosed to

god im such a fucking loser nowadays.

[fujosheaven]

𐙚 i hate my aphantasia i hate it i hate it!

sometimes it gets so fucking hard just to function in the world when i cant goddamn think

sometimes for the life of me i cannot think i cant create a thought how am i supposed to function if i cant HAVE A THOUGHT?

im so forgetful and time blind so i never do anything i forget to eat i forget basic tasks that i need to do

and when i do have thoughts theyre often so unpleasant that i still just dont want to think cs i always think the worst

and everyone else has thoughts so they dont want to talk to me but i cant stand the silence its suffocating

i need music in my ear 24/7 or else ill fall asleep or try and converse even when they find me so annoying

god nothing hurts more than when they tell me to shut up (thanks dad)

but i cant even keep talking because the words dont pass through my brain before they exit my mouth so i stutter and i struggle and i look even more stupid and i cant make friends because if i do think about it i worry so much about how annoying theyll find me cs my biggest fear is to be disliked

like trust me buddy i wish i could shut up too so i could stop embarassing myself im always embarassing

why do my only thoughts pedal my own insecurities and weaknesses and make me feel stupid

im not stupid im just failing myself over and over because my brain literally cannot function

but i look stupid and thats all that matters cs im sure other people see me that way

how am i even an artist if i cannot think

how do i do anything

it sucks cs i really dont even notice how incapable i am until someone who thinks more than me can function so much better

like no shit im struggling to remember when i cant see or hear in my head or have a train of thought without it taking so much effort

so of course i struggle with impulse control and controlling my emotions because how can i control something if i didnt even think about it first? im trying i really am but its so hard to regulate myself and get better and do better if im struggling to function in the first place

most days i can get by perfectly fine but then the struggle js fucking hits and god im TIRED

it would be so nice to be normal no matter how positively i talk abt not having all that noise going on in my head

hell i cant even think of what i want to type because theres just nothing there i feel like a shell of a person because what kind of person doesnt have concious thought its so empty having only like two independant thoughts a day, if that.

i ran out of thought. i wish i had more to say because i really do have so much but it just doesnt come to mind and its such an awful feeling and all i can do is cry

and then i peacefully copy paste tags to my goddamn tumblr post because im faking it all for attention arent i is anything i do true and genuine?? i dont goddamn know because i cant think about it!

sidenote tt n pinterest stop showing me ed content istg i rlly dont want one i want to be healthy im so terrified of subconcious influence because i am so so so vulnerable to it im so easily convinced i hate it

[fujosheaven]

𐙚 oml i immediatly disappear for a few days thats so on me

ive been sooo busy with the semester ending but ill be free soon enough

new year new me more like new semester new me cs im gonna lock in !!

i js have a couple things to wrap up n then final grades..

whtv i cant bring myself to worry too much

but i cant wait to be able to lock in on self improvement its soo fun

id also like to go shopping im feining for stores i cant lie i want to go to the mall again or ross ross is the loml i lovee ross my dad gave me a $100 giftcard for christmas id love to find some good stuff lol

but also on shopping i lwky need new stuff cs none of my bras fit n i feel like my ass got bigger from workin out bro this sht dont fit right

n i measured yknow whats crazyy im somehow a dd ??? like i thought double ds were massive but like im not ?? its js a 5 in diff from band to bust

but my band is a 27.. sooo not massive

but that means ion got that back pain soo lucky me

idk if that tmi but im on an emotiinal high cs it sounds soo flattering i love feeling pretty.. but like the ones i was lookin at on amazon the sizing is way different so im like a 32a in that brand ??? ion get how this stuff works but at least i know my measurements lmao

omg holy yap ive been going ON abt what even.. i have sm stuff i need to do but its so refreshing to take a good moment to yap ykwim

but i gotta wrap up for the night n gts on time rather than at MIDNIGHT like yesterday i was on 5 hrs of sleep

but i took like a 2hr nap so idk if ill be able to sleep praying wish me luck lolol

[fujosheaven]

i get so worried abt my overconsumption, and then i actually count my products.. i dont use much i dont think?

𐙚 train of thought

like ofc i have a shaving oil, need that

sugar scrub is yum no regrets

n my body lotion n butter

i rlly like the lotion but it runs out fast so i might have to stop buying it.. sigh

i use an oil cleanser as makeup remover, n i have a water based cleanser n toner pads

...n my makeup consists of 1 bb cream n 3 lip glosses

when i add it up the price is scary cs its a lil over 100, but thats like a little over 10 per item

im rlly js being silly but i hate the idea of wasting money

i often get the urge to buy whtv looks like itd help but im pretty good at reigning myself in thankfully. i might buy some things later, but theyre for hair.. i dont have any hair products so it dont rlly count huh

nyways lolol ill think it over

[fujosheaven]

maybe she was right, i do look good in red.

[fujosheaven]

mm working on myself is js so hard

𐙚 calm ramble

i feel like im getting nowhere, but at least my mental state is improving

whenever i look in the mirror or on pinterest i find new flaws i am too lazy to fix.. sometimes i wonder if ill ever be good enough for myself

ive been making slow progress, this yearll be my glow up year m suree

i js need to try harder n manage my time

i did nothing today, so worried for my presentation tmrw i get so so nervous ill feel sick to my stomach

but for now i js need an evening gameplan n ill worry in the morning, one little step at a time

previously i would try to do everything at once, ive learned to dial it back to prevent burnout n its workihg so far

but somehow i feel like im spiralling deeper into unhealthy habits as i try to keep other healthy ones

like i swear pinterest is trying to give me an ed but i keep feeding into it bc i want to be like the women they show me... i can never beat my own urge to be perfect haha

i would ramble more but i need to be responsible and hop in the shower

one of my goals for the year is to shower every day; so fars goin well, makes m feel sm better too.. n less anxious that i look amess or smell or smtn bc oml i cant stand being viewed negatively i need everyone to like me

they all do, but i need to keep it that way

that sounds egotistical of me; i mean that ion have problems with nobody, im on friendly terms with everyone lolol

nyways hopefully goodnight, i hope i dont find more things to yap abt bc id like to go to bed at a reasonable hour 𖹭

[fujosheaven]

"and not to sound arrogant, but i'm an example of a perfect pretty girl."

ʚ🫧ɞ ⌗ {maimai} ꒱꒱ she ; femme. pls respect my anonymity! 𖹭

♡ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ౨ৎ ‧₊ .ᐟ my blog may be triggering if you struggle with body dysmorphia, eds, anxiety and the like! pls block me or the tag maitroubles for your health!

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣ ‧₊˚✧

୨୧┇im trying to avoid an ed! hard with body dysmorphia, tho.

୨୧┇i am pro recovery, and also have a fear of bodily harm.

୨୧┇im a sensitive thing n tend to crash out, but thats what this is for yknow

୨୧┇ps. im sixteen; im a victim of my own destructive thoughts.

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣ ‧₊˚✧

╰─ - ̗̀✎ blogposts

୨୧┇this blog is basically my online personal diary, i dont like journaling on paper lolol

୨୧┇i dont filter myself here; you might hear smtn you dont like! disclaimer: i dont care

୨୧┇its a teenage girl's blog. you should know what youre gettin yourself into

୨୧┇basically, triggering topics and opinions! dead dove do not eat!

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣ ‧₊˚✧

╰─ - ̗̀✎ me if u even care

୨୧┇fujoshi lesbian trash (obviously) very cis very white very american lolol (im actually half black but i am the whitest of the white)

୨୧┇eng; learning jp bc of jpop. slut 4 video games n music; list below

୨୧┇genshin, hsr, zzz, wuwa, crk, inf nikki, proseka, muse dash, enstars, nu: carnival, dirty crown scandal, r1999, goatlings, guitar girl!! (i swear im not a gooner)

୨୧┇vocaloid; miku, len, kafu, flower, gumi, kaai yuki, teto; 32ki, chinoi momone, circusp, giga, inabakumori, kairikibear, kikuo, maretu, mitchie m, nayutalien, parsley onuma, pinocchiop, rerulili, syudou, wotaku, mafumafu, shigure ui, 100 gecs, 6arleyhuman, ayesha erotica, glaive, joost, lemon demon, lvjy + wilbur, lumi athena, marina, odetari, rebzyxx, sodikken, wondashow & vbs + more. loml

⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣ ‧₊˚✧

⠀:¨ ·.· ¨:

       `· . 𐙚 dm me or ask me anythin! im actually very extroverted i js get shy online