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[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Eight

previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

When they heard Arden's dad begin to stir and get up to use the bathroom, Arden and Shawn paused, staying silent and still, as they waited for him to pass the entryway.   He made a pit-stop to the kitchen, opening and closing the refrigerator several times before deciding on a glass of water.  Their hearts began to pound in anticipation as each ice cube crashed into his cup, and then even harder waiting for the sound of the click of a doorknob, giving them privacy once more.  Arden was definitely old enough to have boys over, but she never knew how her dad would react anymore.  As soon as they heard the door shut, Arden slipped off of the couch and took Shawn's hand in hers, silently leading him up the stairs and down the hall to her bedroom.

He stood in the middle of the room, eyes traveling from wall to wall, admiring the art, figurines, and books that made Arden the person she is now.  She sat on her bed, feeling vulnerable, as this was the first time Shawn was truly seeing into her life.  Arden didn't mind, though, and she was more than happy to share this space with Shawn, of all people.  Shawn fingered through her small collection of vinyl records- some old, passed down to her from when her parents were her age- and some new.  

"Nice," He turns to smile, holding up her favorite Smashing Pumpkins album.  

They put it on, and Shawn finally joined her on the bed, laying back and staring at the ceiling as music filled the silence.  Billy Corgan's voice was just loud enough to be heard, but not loud enough to distract them from their own thoughts.  Arden couldn't get Shawn off of her mind.  She leaned into him, pressing her mouth against his neck, sucking lightly, like she'd just taken a bite of a juicy apple.  He was very still below her, but he parted his lips and shuddered when she hit the right spot.  A guttural growl made its way up the back of his throat before he brought his lips to hers, hastily.  Shawn pulled Arden on top of him as he sat upright, allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist.  

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" He asks, between short kisses.  

Arden blushed, the room becoming at least 10 degrees hotter.  She could tell that he was trying to hold himself back, per her request, but she wasn't so sure she wanted to anymore.  Arden paused, pulling her shirt over her head and letting it drop to the floor.  One of Shawn's hands delicately held the back of her neck, as the other was placed firmly on the small of her back.  He dipped her back and leaned forward, so he could bring his mouth to her chest, kissing every inch of skin that wasn't covered by her bra.  Before she knew it, he'd unclasped the hooks with one of his hands.  Arden raised her eyebrows, impressed.

Shawn pulled her back upright, grabbing her ass and pulling her body taut against his so she could feel all of him.  Arden ran her fingers through his thick, dark hair, and without warning, he stood, picking her up with him, and flipped her onto the bed.  He made sure to give her breasts a lot of attention before moving south, kissing her ribs, her stomach, and trailing his tongue along her hip bone.  As she thrust involuntarily, he unbuttoned her shorts and slid them off, taking a moment to undress himself, right down to the boxer briefs that clung to all the right places.

Arden slid off of the bed and onto her knees, tugging his boxers down to reveal his package, which she brought her mouth to without hesitation.  Shawn's breath was jagged, and he cupped the back of her head, pulling her closer so she could take him deeper.  She looked up at him, watching him bite his lip the way he did the first night they they kissed.  Before he could finish, he pulled her back to the bed and returned the favor, licking and sucking until she was shaking.  

Arden pulled him close, whispering "I want you to fuck me".

Shawn was suddenly shy and nervous again, which made Arden smile.  He shakily reached for his jeans, dug through the pockets, and produced a condom.  Arden smirked, wondering if he's always prepared, or if he had a feeling it would come in handy.  In the blink of an eye, he was back to being the confident and sexy guy he'd been just minutes ago.  

With each thrust, her legs wrapped tighter around him, never wanting this moment to end.  He was caring and gentle, taking the time to kiss her and give her compliments.  When she closed her eyes, she saw ocean waves, bonfires, smoke, sand, and stars.  They were breathless and Arden's muscles felt weak, like the first time that she went surfing.  She tried over and over again to stand, but each wave knocked her down, dragging her under the tide.  Shawn collapsed next to her with a sigh, wrapping his arm around her waist as they got comfortable.

"I'm in love with you," Shawn whispers, lightly running his fingers over Arden's bare skin.  

When she opened her eyes to look at him, his eyes were close, eyelashes beginning to flutter against the top of his cheeks.  He was peaceful and quiet, drifting in and out of sleep, humming along with the song.  Arden lightly chuckled to herself, realizing that he was mumbling along to 'Luna', and relaxed against him once more.  As soon as the record stopped spinning, the world went quiet.

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Seven

previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Arden kicked off her shoes as she entered the house, making sure to make as little noise as possible, because her dad had called her to say goodnight over an hour ago.  She padded her way to the kitchen to whip up a quick meal, but stopped when she noticed the destruction.  There were dishes piled in the sink and a mess on every surface.  The last thing she wanted to do was deal with that before she could even begin to make herself dinner, so she pulled out her phone and dialed Shawn's number.  

He answered on the first ring, sounding out of breath.  Arden asked if he would split a pizza with her, because she was pretty sure that her stomach would begin to consume itself if she doesn't feed it soon.  His laugh was breathy and he told her that he wasn't at home, but he would be definitely be over before the delivery boy shows up.  Arden hoped that his favorite was still mushroom and pepperoni, because that's what she ordered before cleaning up the kitchen.  Fifteen short minutes later, the rumble of Shawn's car could be heard in his driveway, followed by quick footsteps to her porch.  She opened the door before he could even knock, surprising him.  

"So, you were just waiting for me?" he grins, a hint of cockiness in his voice.  

Arden rolls her eyes and begins to shut the door on him, saying "Oh sorry, I thought you were pizza!"

He feigns shock and clutches his chest, as if her words hit him directly in the heart.  She smiled and took his hand, pulling him into the house as the delivery boy pulled up.  Shawn gloated about his impeccable timing and offered to pay, but she denied.  It was her idea, plus his company was worth more than the $20 it cost to get pizza.  She was ravenous by the time she set the pizza down on the coffee table in the living room, and apparently Shawn was too, because 4 pieces were already gone by the time they could even get plates and something to drink.

The two of them sunk into the couch as they tried to decide what to watch on Netflix.  Once all that was left of the pizza was the cardboard box it came in, the space between them naturally began to close.  Shawn's arm wrapped around Arden's shoulder, and she fell into him, her head resting on his chest.  Their bodies seemed to fit together perfectly.  As Supernatural played in the distance, Arden found herself too distracted- mentally and physically- to join Sam and Dean on the hunt.  She tilted her head to look up at Shawn, who was completely focused, even though his fingers lightly fiddled with her hair, curling the same strand around his finger over and over again.

In high school, Supernatural was their show.  Well, it was everyone's show; Arden, her friends, and Shawn.  On the nights it aired, they would gather in the basement of the Mendes house and have viewing parties.  Sebastian always made fun of it, but it was a guilty pleasure that he would murder you for if you brought it up with him outside of the basement.  Shawn, on the other hand, never had a problem at all.  Maybe he liked it because he knew how much Arden did, but he seemed too invested for that.  Arden could remember exactly where they left off, because it was a season finale that made almost everyone in that basement cry, so she and Shawn started right where they left off, even though both of them have caught up on current episodes by now.

Shawn's heartbeat was quick, and nothing that exciting was happening in the show.  Arden closed her eyes, wrapping her arm around his waist.  Suddenly, Shawn's hand is on her chin, lightly tilting her head back so their lips could meet.  She melted into him as soon as his mouth was on her.  Everything was moving in slow motion except for the audio from the tv.  Shawn's hand cupped the back of Arden's head as he laid her back on the couch.  She could barely breathe, but it wasn't because of his weight on top of her.  The last thing she wanted to do was come up for air, so she kissed him until the tv automatically turned off, bathing them in darkness.  

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Six

previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

The day was long, but since she knew that she would be working a later shift, Arden prepared lunch and dinner for her father before leaving the house, packaging everything in two microwavable containers and placing them in the fridge. At this point, the thought of her dad using the stove when she wasn't home concerned her, so she made it as easy as possible for him.

For a majority of her shift, Arden was the only living soul in the building, so she spent her time cataloging new products and- once that was finished- she found herself scrolling through Shawn's Instagram profile. He must have followed her sometime during the night, because the notification was waiting on her phone while she got ready for work.  It was almost as exciting as a good morning text.

Arden didn't have anything particularly embarrassing on her Instagram, mostly books, nature photography, and a few selfies when the mood strikes.  Shawn's profile had pictures from road trips and always seemed to be surrounded by friends.  There were a few Throwback Thursday posts that made Arden laugh, because this is how she remembers him.  It almost feels like this Shawn is a completely different person.  

The store was due to close at 7pm, but Arden would keep the doors open for Poetry Night until 10 or 11pm, depending on how many showed up and who wanted to share their work.  Until then, Arden sat down on the floor, in the perfect spot to keep her eye on the door on the off-chance that someone came into the store.  She ran her fingers along the spines of the bookshelf in front of her, pausing at The Great Gatsby.  This section was a permanent part of the bookstore; these books weren't for sale, but customers were encouraged to choose their favorite book and write down their secrets, recipes, letters, and whatever their heart desires.  The Great Gatsby was used mostly as a sketchbook, the words on many pages nearly indecipherable.  

She put it back and picked up her personal favorite- and the favorite of many young introverts- The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  Arden had already circled "We accept the love we think we deserve", on multiple occasions over the years.  Before she even worked here, she was fascinated with the idea of the letter library and found comfort in immersing herself in the thoughts of other anonymous people.  While she was flipping through the pages, feeling sorrow for the broken hearts and lost friendships, she stopped on page 39, noticing her name for the first time.

Someone had written "Arden-" next to the quote "And in that moment, I swear we were infinite".  There was nothing more written for her on that page, not even any underlines, highlights or circles. She flipped through the book for more, hoping to find any clues that point to who had written her name.  Maybe it was just a coincidence, but she couldn't help but feel that it was meant for her.  She pulled her phone out of her pocket and snapped a picture of the page before putting the book back on the shelf and moving to the next in line.  

She checked Pride and Prejudice, Animal Farm, Gone With the Wind, and she was on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when the hair on the back of her neck stood up.  She pulled The Perks of Being a Wallflower back down and flipped to the page her name was on, comparing the writing to the writing on the page.  They were almost identical, aside from being written in different colored ink.  She traced the lines with her fingertips and read what was written in Hitchhiker's Guide.  

"I'm not trying to start a fire with this flame But I'm worried that your heart might feel the same And I have to be honest with you, baby Tell me if I'm wrong and this is crazy But I got you this rose And I need to know Will you let it die or let it grow?"

Arden read the familiar words over and over, dissecting each one, trying to remember where she'd heard them before.  Was it a poem shared within these very walls?  Her phone chimed, notifying that someone had tagged her in a picture.  She put the book back and stood as she opened the app, clicking on the picture and smiling instantly.  It was a candid photo of her in the ocean, and she could barely recognize herself with such a blissful expression on her face.  Shawn captioned it "Beautiful night."

She quickly texted him, saying that was possibly the best picture that ever existed of her.  His response came in waves, like he'd been suppressing the urge to talk to her all day.  Talking to him brought Arden relief and extra energy to get through the last few hours of work, and for a moment, everything felt normal, even though so much was out of the ordinary lately.

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Five

previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4

At the sound of Arden's name, she sprung out of bed, nearly tripping over the thin bed sheet that had gotten wrapped around her legs throughout the night.  She called out to her dad and heard nothing but silence, not entirely convinced that she was awake yet.  The blinking alarm clock read 5:48 AM.  She and Shawn had only gotten back from the beach around 1 AM, making sure to take their sweet time when it came to parting ways.  He pressed her up against his car, her hands slipping into his back pockets as his fingers rest idly on her hips.  

"I'm not sure what I'm doing," she breathes, her voice quiet, as he kissed her jaw.

Shawn pulled away slightly, staring into her eyes as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear.  Without a word, he gave her a soft, knowing smile.  "Isn't that the best part?"

When she told him that she wanted to take things slowly, he placed a tender kiss on her cheek and walked her to her door, saying goodnight.  For a moment, she hesitated, wanting to retract her statement.  For a moment, she wanted to give herself to him completely, forgetting about any consequences.  Instead, she pulled the curtain away from the window and watched him saunter back to his house, biting his lip to keep his grin under control.  

Arden now sat in the darkness of her room, having checked on her father twice-just to be sure- who was sound asleep, and would likely remain that way well after the sun rises.  She thought about staying up, maybe making breakfast or going for a run before work, but her body protested.  Her limbs were as heavy as her eyelids, and a headache began to gnaw at the back of her skull.  A few more hours of sleep couldn't hurt.  While asleep, she began to dream of the song she heard coming from the music store the day prior, and it felt so real that she thought she would wake up in the middle of work.  The melody penetrated her skin and sunk into her bones.  Instead, when Arden woke, the sun was hidden behind dark clouds, and the windowsill was wet with fallen rain.

After they parted ways that night, Arden made herself a cup of chamomile tea and brought the steaming cup to her room as she drew a bath to wash away the sand, ocean, and sexual tension.  Upon returning with nothing but a towel wrapped around her body, she became hyper-aware that Shawn may already be in his darkened room.  She couldn't see anything from that far away, aside from his blue curtains swaying in the night breeze.  Part of her actually hoped that his eyes were on her at that very moment.  She sat at the desk and checked her email while she sipped her tea, quickly falling back into a routine that she was familiar with.  

Once the cup was empty, she stood, letting her towel fall to her feet before taking a step toward her dresser, pulling on a pair of panties and a thin tank top.  She made sure not to look toward the window until she flipped the light switch off and climbed into bed, shaking with anticipation.  As soon as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could see him in his bed, his features and facial expression indistinguishable.  He was motionless, which meant that maybe he had already fallen asleep, but as Arden began to drift off, she heard an unmistakable moan that gave her goosebumps.  

She thought of him and the way he felt beneath her on the beach, the way his hands felt on her ribs, fingers lightly grazing the bottom of her bra, wishing he would move even just an inch north.  She thought of his strong arms and the way he brushed his lips against the skin of her neck.  How gentle he was, but firm in his actions.  She'd never experienced anything like it.  The boys she met at college were rough and unnatural.  Shawn moved like it was instinct.  Arden couldn't help but let her mind run wild.  She'd prayed for nights like this for a majority of her teen years, only she had no idea that it would involve Shawn, and not his older brother.  

When he still lived there- when they were still friends- Sebastian used to pop his head out of his bedroom window and send her paper airplane notes.  Some of them failed, landing crumpled in the grass below, but some landed perfectly in the middle of her bed, waiting to be unwrapped.  They were never anything significant, but Arden saved them as if they were.  She was always there when he needed someone to talk to, but whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on, his window was always shut.  For the first time in a long time, Arden chose to keep her window open, because although her life was complicated, she didn't want to shut Shawn out.

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Four

previous chapters: 1, 2, 3

Once their bodies adjusted to the temperature of the water, it was hard to get back out, because the summer air was still and thick, making it difficult to breathe.  Shawn laid out a large beach towel and collapsed on top of it, patting the empty space next to him.  Arden joins him, laying back completely, as he remains upright.

"I really needed a night like this," she admits to herself, mostly.

Shawn turned to her and took her hand in his, rubbing her fingers with his thumb.  

Arden let a long sigh escape her, and told Shawn what happened after he left her house.  She told him how she fools herself into thinking that things will just go back to being the way they used to be.  Her father was a professor, but the disease has taken that away from him.  He can barely remember the people closest to him, how could he be expected to remember a lesson plan?  She told Shawn about her mother, and the last time she spoke to her.  How she's grown to resent even just the memory of her, and the family photographs that line the hallway.  Arden refused to cry, but Shawn could hear it in her voice.  He just held her hand tighter.

They moved on from the subject of her family, and traveled through time, recalling years of knowing each other.  Shawn leaned back on his elbows, tilting his head to the sky, as he listened to Arden laugh at the thought of the trouble they used to get in as teenagers.  Shawn opened up and admitted how lonely it could be at the house without his brother and his group of friends.  Sebastian moved across the country with Mila, who wanted to go to school for fashion design.  That was the last she'd heard of Sebastian and Mila until now, but she no longer felt anything at the mention of her first love's name.

Shawn seemed embarrassed when he mentioned that he's always had dreams of becoming an actor, and hopes to pursue that now that he has the freedom to do so.  They talked about their individual interests, realizing that they had more in common than Arden probably had with Mila.  Arden was jealous of her friends- even Shawn- because she felt that she couldn't get out of this mess.  She couldn't live her own life the way she wanted to, because it would kill her if anything happened to her dad while she was gone.

Even if she couldn't leave, she could still do something that she wants to do, so she sat up and took a slow, steady breath.  Before she could analyze the situation a thousand different ways,  she placed her hand on the back of Shawn's neck and pressed her lips to his. He tasted like the ocean, and he melted into her, his once-rigid body becoming putty beneath her.  Shawn pulled her closer, his hand resting on her hip, fingers lightly tugging at the thin string. Arden forgot how exposed she actually was until that gesture, but she didn't want to let that ruin the moment.  His chest was hard against hers, she she ached to feel his abs since he first took his shirt off.  

Shawn slowly, and gently, took Arden's hair out of the bun as he kissed her neck, burying his face in her brunette salt-water waves.  He pulled her onto his lap, and she returned her lips to his.  When she wished for an escape from reality, she never could have imagined this.  She pulled away, panting, her brain finally beginning to catch up to her heart.  Shawn bit his lip, eyes finally taking in her body.  He'd been trying hard not to, but he couldn't help it now that she was on top of him.  Arden felt the nerves shoot up her body, exploding like fireworks, following his line of vision.

As she stands, knees feeling weak beneath her, Shawn clears his throat.

"Sorry if I took it too far." He was running his hand through his hair.  Definitely a nervous habit.

Arden could tell that he wanted to say more to her, but she stopped him.  "I'd been thinking of doing that all day".  

She was surprised by her own statement, but not as surprised as she was by Shawn's.

"I've been thinking about doing that for a lot longer, trust me."

Nothing else was said about the moment they shared, and neither of them made it awkward.  They were both completely comfortable with each other, which was a first for Arden, because she was convinced that if she had one super power, it would be to make every encounter an awkward one.

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Three

previous chapters: 1, 2

By the time Arden gets outside, Shawn is leaning against the passenger side door of the car he'd been working on earlier.  He traded his oil-stained shirt for a gray, short sleeved button-up.  The top buttons were undone, his chest peaking out.  His hands were shoved in the pockets of his black skinny jeans, and for a split second, Arden cursed herself for not changing her outfit.  She'd been sweating in these clothes all day, and the instant she saw him, she stopped and debated whether or not she should go back inside and change.

Shawn had already opened the door for her, so she quickly got into the car and fiddled with a loose string at the hem of her shirt as she waited for him to join her.  The driver's side door was stuck, and the groan it made in protest startled Arden back into reality.  He retrieved his keys from his pocket and made sure it was unlocked before yanking on the handle.  Arden began to laugh, and he narrowed his eyes at the car.  He wouldn't be defeated.  

She climbed over the middle console and pushed as Shawn placed his right foot on the back door for support and extra strength.  Before they knew it, the door sprung open, sending Shawn flying onto his front lawn, and Arden began to tumble out of the car- face first- like Alice down the rabbit hole.  Her fall was was softened by Shawn's body beneath hers.  The initial shock disappeared as soon as they both burst into laughter.  Arden began to lift herself off of him, but his hand on the small of her back made her hesitate.

For a moment, her breath hitched in her throat as they locked eyes, and she thought about what it would be like to kiss him.  Shawn Mendes.  The boy who ran around his backyard with a stick in his hand, pretending to be Harry Potter.  It felt like they hadn't even grown up, but they were both completely different people than they were a few years go.  A few years ago, Arden was crushing on Sebastian, who never noticed her, because he was fixated on her best friend, Mila.  She was just accepted to attend a university across the state, and she wanted photography to be her main focus.  Her dad showed no signs of dementia, and her mother was still happy to be with her family.

Arden pushed herself up from the ground and held her hand out to help Shawn.  He was cute, but Arden realized that she had much more on her plate than she was prepared for.  Before this morning, she would have never thought that she'd be reacquainted with such a familiar a part of her past.  

"So, I'm thinking that maybe we don't take this death trap to where ever we're going..." Arden teased, bumping her hip into his.

Shawn clutched his chest with his hand, as if that very statement was draining the life of him.  "This car is only as much of a death trap as yours."

She rolled her eyes and tugged at the back of her mini skirt as she climbed into the car, making sure not to flash him or any of their nosy neighbors as she settled into her seat.  He joined her and pulled his door closed, testing to make sure that it opens again before starting the car.  Arden didn't ask where they were going, and she didn't care.  With the windows rolled down, the sweltering heat almost felt bearable.  The wind picked up the closer they got to the beach, and the car rolled to a stop along the curve of the road.

Arden took a deep breath, her lungs filling with the sea, salt, and distant memories.  She could almost taste the smoke from a bonfire that no longer existed.  Almost every day of summer break in high school, Mila would beg her to go to the beach.  They went in the afternoon to swim, tan, and meet cute boys and at night for bonfires, drinking, and more boys.  On one particular night, Mila disappeared from the light of the fire and the voices of strangers, leaving a trail of foot prints to a nearby cove.  Arden didn't follow, and sat in silence instead, observing the body language of everyone around her.  She wasn't the most outgoing, and only came to most of these events for her social-butterfly best friend.  Sebastian's fingers brushed her bare shoulder as he took a seat on the log next to her, and that was the beginning of their unrequited love.

The icy cold water hit Arden's bare legs, jolting her out of the past and into the present.  They had made it all the way to the shore, and Shawn was in the ocean, swinging his leg back to kick more water at her.  Arden stuck her tongue out, pulling her hair up into a bun before kicking her flip flops off.  Before she could get her revenge, Shawn was unbuttoning the rest of his shirt and letting it fall into the sand.  When he started unbuckling his belt, he noticed Arden's raised eyebrows.

"I came prepared", he laughs, revealing a pair of brightly colored swim trunks beneath his jeans.

"I didn't!" Arden splashes water at him as soon as he's close enough to drench.  "Turn around."

As he turns, she quickly throws off her clothes before Shawn can see her.  He's seen her in a bikini plenty of times before, but never in a thong.  That wouldn't matter as soon as she gets into the water and the darkness swallows her body whole.  She shuttered as the frigid ocean consumed her, and swam to Shawn, who was far enough from the shore that her feet no longer touched the sand, rocks, or seaweed.  She knew that his were probably planted firmly, as the height difference between them is considerable, therefore a sneak attack would not be in her favor.

Arden swam around to his front, treading water, as she took a long, hard look at his face.  His eyes were closed, and his dark lashes brushed the top of his cheeks.  Shawn had a strong jaw, and the way the soft moonlight hit him made him even more attractive.  Thinking back on the memory that invaded her thoughts, Shawn's characteristics varied drastically from his brother's.  They looked similar from a distance, but when you're as close to him as Arden was, you'd barely be able to tell that they're related.

Shawn slowly opened one of his eyes, making sure that it was okay to look before opening the other.  He tilted his head, as if assessing the situation, since their faces were only a few inches apart.  Arden smiled innocently, enclosing the space, and bringing her mouth to his ear.

"Take a deep breath," her whisper was venomous.

With her hands on his shoulders and Shawn taken off guard, she pushed him under, erupting into a fit of giggles and squeals as he wrapped his arms around her waist once he emerged, lifting her out of the water with ease.  Any ounce of doubt or worry she had before, drifted away with the waves.  Aside from Olivia, who wasn't a friend outside of the hours they worked together, Arden was beginning to feel like she had no one anymore.

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter Two

previous chapters: 1

The sun was just beginning to set upon the horizon by the time Arden made it home with a car full of groceries. Her neighbor, Mrs. Mendes, stopped her as she was juggling two large paper bags and a gallon of milk.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear about Phillip."

She's heard it all before, but she knows they mean well. Mrs. Mendes' hand on her shoulder feels comforting, though, and for a moment, Arden wished that her own mother would magically appear in the garden, where she spent most summers growing an array of flowers and vegetables. Arden had a small herb garden in a planter on the kitchen window sill, but she forgets to water them, and now the basil is wilted.

Before she could say anything more than "thank you," her neighbor had called her son over to help with the groceries. Arden began to sweat at the thought of seeing Shawn again after making such an ass of herself at the bookstore earlier. He exited the garage, covered in grease, as if he'd just been tinkering around a car.

"Why don't you help Arden carry these inside?" Her smile is something that no one would be able to resist. It's not hard to see where her sons get their charm from.

Shawn used his forearm to wipe the sweat from his forehead, the side of his shirt lifting as he does so, his pants hanging low on his hips. Arden averted her eyes quickly as he took the bags from her arms, along with two more from the backseat. She raised her eyebrows at him and he took it as a challenge, grinning back at her as he took a step forward, nearly losing his footing. Arden stifled a laugh, feeling less self conscious, as she followed him into the house.

Again, her dad had left the door wide open, and he was nowhere to be seen. The neighborhood they lived in was a great one, but that didn't mean that crime never happens there. Arden bit her tongue as Shawn set the bags down on the kitchen table, panting and pulling his t-shirt away from his body to fan himself. There were no lights on yet, and she assumed that her dad had already gone to bed for the night, but there was a crash that came from the office, which made them both jump out of their skin.

"Camille?" she heard her dad calling her mother's name.

"No dad," Arden stepped into the doorway, her heart breaking as her father's face fell, "it's just me".

Arden's mom left when her dad began to lose his mind. It began with him repeating the same phrases over and over again. At least she waited until Arden went to college to disappear, giving her a couple years of a normal life away from home. At this point, now that she's seen how bad it's gotten, she can't imagine going back to school. She can't just abandon him. She felt guilty enough just going to work to try and make a living.

Arden helped him up from the leather chair and as they began to walk, Shawn was at her father's side, taking his arm to help her lead him into the kitchen. She flashed him an apologetic glance, and it was as if nothing fazed him. Shawn just smiled back and made conversation with her dad, asking him advice on how to fix up the car in the garage. Before the dementia began to set in, Phillip spent whole afternoons under the hood of his old mustang- the one Arden drives now- and taught Shawn and Sebastian how to change spark plugs and fan belts . Arden knew the basics, but she would turn to her dad for any real work that had to be done.

Seeing her dad interact with Shawn like old times made her eyes well with tears, but she turned away before anyone could notice, opening the fridge and pretending to look for something to make for dinner. Arden rummaged through the grocery bags and found the package of pumpkin ravioli. She offered Shawn a place at the table to show her gratitude, but he politely declined, giving her some time alone with Phillip while he was in his right mind. It was easy to forget how difficult it could be, and how it's just going to get worse as time passes.

Her dad tucked a napkin into the collar of his blue polo, and patted his stomach as she added the walnuts and sage to his dish. As he took a bite, he moaned and his eyes widened, as if he was tasting this recipe for the very first time. Arden laughed and joined him, eating half of her meal in two bites. She didn't realize how hungry she was until the sweet aroma wafted from the bowl under her nose. Arden talked to him about work, the new books she picked up, and her awkward encounter with Shawn.

"That Shawn is a nice boy," he noted, as he took the napkin and dabbed the corner of his mouth.  "Camille, this meal was impeccable."

Arden struggled to swallow the lump in her throat as she cleared the dishes, refusing to say anything in response. Her father looked peaceful and innocent, and he had no idea how hard Arden was struggling right now. Instead, she dug her fingernails into her palm and helped him get ready for bed, turning on the tv in his room before leaving him alone for the night. She hadn't spoken to her mother in months, and she felt so much rage that she could imagine combusting from it, eventually...but tonight was different. Tonight, Arden locked herself in her room and picked up her phone, dialing the number by heart. Her finger hovered over the call button, and she began to think of every possibility. What if her mom actually answered? What if someone else did? What would she even say? Would she break and beg her to come home, reverting to a helpless little girl? There was no use.

Arden's hands began to shake the closer her finger got to pressing the button, and she thought of her dad, so lost within himself that he can no longer distinguish fantasy from reality. Instead, Arden deleted the number from her phone and threw it against her wall, letting a sob escape her throat. She hadn't cried over her mother, because she was afraid that once she let the flood gates open, she would never be able to stop, but now there was no turning back. Arden collapsed to the floor, her back pressed against the door, and her knees to her chest. She cried until she couldn't breathe anymore, and then the phone began to vibrate, startling her. For a split second, she thought that it would be her mom, but when she picked it up, she was relieved.

~Shawn~

Come with me

Arden wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled, bringing her fingers to the keyboard.

Only if you're going far away from here

His response is instantaneous, and Arden notices movement. He's leaning out of the open window across from hers, which used to be Sebastian's bedroom.

~Shawn~

Just say yes

Arden threw her window open and leaned out, a genuine smile appearing on her face. Shawn ran his hand through his hair like it was a nervous habit.

"I'll meet you outside," she called out to him,pocketing her phone and grabbing a pair of flip flops.    

[heavyheartfiction]

Spaces In Between

a Shawn Mendes fanfiction

Chapter One

The summer had just barely begun, and temperatures were reaching a new high. Arden actually looked forward to going to work each day, because the store had air conditioning, while her house did not. On this particularly sweltering day, she'd only been outside for the five minutes it took to walk from her car to the tall brick building, but she could still feel droplets of sweat roll down the back of her calves. Olivia stood behind the counter, barely glancing up from behind the worn pages of a used paperback as Arden tossed her bag behind the counter.

Olivia's hair was newly bleached white-blond and the thick, black-rimmed glasses slid down her nose as she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her feet locked beneath the rungs of the metal stool. Arden leaned against one of the nearest library carts and surveyed the area, taking note of which shelves needed rearranging. At the moment, there were only two customers present-- an elderly woman quietly browsing through the stacks, and a twenty-something sitting on the battered couch in the middle of the store, flipping through a comic book. The owners of The Little Read Bookshop encouraged their customers to treat the store as a library, creating more of a community. They even held poetry readings, book clubs, and writing workshops monthly, which Arden frequently hosted or took part in.

For the most part, Thursdays were the slowest days of the week. It was usually spent stocking new material; or if you're Olivia, reading new material. Mid-day, the strumming of a guitar could be heard through the walls. There was a music store neighboring them, and when the bookshop was dead, you could practically feel the vibrations coming through the bookshelves on the right side of the room. Sometimes the music was terrible-- teenagers tend to turn the amplifiers up to max volume and goof off until they get kicked out-- but occasionally, there would be a melody that makes Arden stop everything she's doing. For the first time since she had arrived at the store, Olivia put her book down and acknowledged her presence.

"The mystery man is back!" she squeals, joining Arden by the wall so she could press her ear against it.

Over the past few months, there'd been a man who would perch in the music store for extended periods of time. The music that came from him was inspiring, and it took Arden to another dimension whenever she listened to it. Part of her desperately wanted to find out who that voice belonged to, whose voice she heard every night as she begins drifting off to sleep, but part of her was terrified that seeing him would ruin the image that she had of him in her head. Sometimes it's nice just to have something to fantasize about, something that is all yours and can't be spoiled.

Olivia jabbed her elbow into Arden's ribs and her grin grew twice in size. It hurt Arden's cheeks just looking at her. "Why don't you go over there? Just peak inside?"

Arden denied the proposition and continued shelving the new mass-market paperbacks. Even if she saw him and he exceeded her expectations, then what? She's far too shy to introduce herself, and in all honestly, it felt a little too stalker-y for her taste. Before Olivia could make her way to the door, Arden's voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Don't even think about it!" Arden arched an eyebrow at her coworker, who shrugged innocently before returning to her seat behind the register.

Arden couldn't help but wonder if this person had stepped foot into her store after a previous jam session. Did they frequent the bookshop as well? Was he sitting on the couch reading comic books this morning? Or did he work there, taking breaks to play his own music in between selling guitars? The bell on the door chimed, announcing a customer. A woman with a toddler clinging to her legs struggled to carry a box of books to the cluttered sell desk, so Arden met her halfway.

By the time she was done with the transaction, the music had stopped all together, and it was almost too quiet. Olivia's wistful eyes traveled to the front window, hoping that maybe the next person to walk by was Mystery Guitar Guy. Arden turned away, making herself comfortable in the back of the store where she left the library cart, half-full. It was easy to get lost in the job, and her penchant for organization came in handy. She was convinced that more people went there to mess up the shelves than actually buy books.

After placing the last stray book in its place, she was startled by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Their chocolate brown eyes were level with hers, although she'd been standing on a step stool. It startled her, and laughter bubbled up from the other side of the bookshelf. He stepped into her aisle, apologizing, a sly smirk crossing his face as she let out an embarrassed giggle.

"Shawn", she reached out, swatting his arm. "You shouldn't scare people like that. I'm older than you, I could have had a heart attack."

He rolls his eyes, running a hand through his perfectly coiffed hair. She stops, fully looking at him, as if it was the first time she'd seen him. Something was different, but she couldn't put her finger on it. The last time she remembers speaking with him was on her graduation night, just over two years ago. He was only 16 then, but he hung around his older brother and his group of friends, which Arden happened to be apart of. Shawn had grown a few inches taller, and his t-shirt clung to his body, showing off pure muscle. Two years ago, he was just a lanky, nerdy kid.

"I heard you moved back home for the summer." His voice breaks her focus on his body.

She quickly adverted her eyes and felt herself blush, detecting amusement in his tone. She told him that originally, she planned to travel with new friends this summer, but her dad has been ill for quite some time and she just didn't feel right leaving him alone.

Unsurprisingly, Shawn pulled her in for a hug, and it gave her chills when he stroked her hair. The two quickly caught up, touching on the highlights without getting into much detail. They exchanged numbers before they parted ways, and he continued to browse the shelves.

"Let me know if there's anything you need," she mentioned, the phrase ingrained in her head from years of working retail.

He turns back to her, as if remembering something. "I'm looking for romance."

For a moment, she was caught off guard, and the surprised look on her face made him burst into laughter. "I mean, I'm looking for a novel for my mom".

If Arden could, she would melt into the floor just to stop embarrassing herself. Instead, she laughed it off and helped him find the title he was looking for based on a rather vague description of what's on the cover. She quickly rang him up and he was on his way; the chime of the bell signaling his exit from the store.

Arden slumped over the register, as if the encounter had taken all of the energy out of her, and Olivia stepped out from her hiding spot with a smirk. "I guess the mystery man is irrelevant now."

[heavyheartfiction]

I am a monster

I know, I’m terrible.  It’s been two years since I’ve abandoned my Patrick Stump fanfic.  I’ve been thinking of it on and off over all this time, and I’ve decided that I can’t just leave it like that.  Will anyone even continue reading?  I’m just happy to post it for myself, but I’m hoping that at least one of you guys will find it and fall in love with the story all over again, especially the lovely readers who kept asking me when I would post more chapters!  

I currently have I’d Burn This City Down on Wattpad, along with a few other works, so if you want to follow me there, it’s much appreciated!

https://www.wattpad.com/user/revelavendin

I will probably be able to post there sooner than Tumblr, but I will make sure to update you with new chapters at least once a week (definitely hoping to be more often, depending on my schedule!)

[heavyheartfiction]

I’d Burn This City Down to Show You the Light

a Patrick Stump fanfiction

Chapter Thirty-Six: Turn to Dust or to Gold

previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35

Upon waking, I felt completely disoriented.  My eyes searched the darkened room in a panic once I realized that I was neither at home, nor in an overcrowded vehicle.  It took me a moment, but once my brain caught up, I relaxed back into the mess of tangled sheets.  Soft snores filled in the silence and I checked my phone to see that it was just past 4 in the morning.  Patrick remained asleep beside me as I shifted, my body becoming restless and ready to start the day despite the fact that the sun hasn’t even risen, and won’t for at least another two hours.

Pocketing the room’s key card, I made sure to close the door as quietly as I could, grimacing when the lock slammed into place, as if to alert that I’ve escaped.  The building is still and hardly anyone is around, aside from a few night owls chatting away in the lobby.  As I step through the sliding doors, I feel a burst of wind that chills me to the bone, but I feel alive.

I focus on that feeling as I walk along the building, taking deep breaths to remind me what I could have lost.  What my friends could have lost.  Just as I pull Patrick’s heavy cardigan around my body, I hear the click of a lighter behind me and nearly jump out of my skin.  

“Sorry” Gerard gave me a sheepish smile as he leaned back against the brick wall and took a drag of his cigarette.  

I smiled in return, sidling up next to him, partially because I wanted him to shield me from the wind.  “No worries. How come you’re awake?”

He shrugged it off and said “Awful sleep schedule”, but I could tell that it was more than that.  

Before I could inquire, he continued with “Pete told me what happened.  Are you sure everything’s…”

Gerard’s tired eyes scanned my body before landing on my stomach.  I give him a reassuring smile.  

“Yes, everyone is okay. Just stress, you know?”

He nods slowly, as if he knows all too well.  We don’t say anything for several seconds.  We just watch the light across the parking lot flicker until it burns out, and he finishes his cigarette before stubbing it out on the bottom of his boot.  Instead of going back into the hotel, we stay for a while longer.  I can barely feel the tips of my fingers or my nose, but the bite of winter reminds me of the time that Patrick tried to convince me to go ice skating, although I’ve never skated a day in my life.  We were only 17 then and he held my hand the entire time, never letting go of me, even when I took him down.  That’s what he’s always been like.

Gerard breaks the silence with, “Are you sure you shouldn’t book a ticket for the next flight out of here? You’d be more comfortable at home, in your own bed.  It would lower any risk there may be of this happening again…or worse.”

I pleaded with my eyes, although I’m not sure he noticed in the dark.  The last thing I wanted was for him to bring this up with Patrick, because he’d probably agree.  I just wasn’t ready to be without him again.  “There are only a few shows left.  Really, I’ll be okay.  Mostly, it was the accident.  I should have gone to get checked right away.  My fault.”

Gerard let out a long, exhausted sigh as he draped his arm across my shoulders, pulling me into his side. Although he smelled of smoke, there was also a sweet minty scent mixed in.  I now associate it with comfort, along with Patrick’s perpetual smell of clean laundry.  “A few shows are hardly worth the risk of compromising the health of your baby…and yourself.  At least stay on the bus with me.  You’d have your own bunk.  Hell, you could have mine, if you wanted.”

Gerard grins, messing up my hair like he’s known me forever—like I’m his kid sister.  “But I wouldn’t, because Bob gets a little violent if you wake him up at the wrong time.  It’s kind of like sleeping across from a bear.  I’ll let you have the nicer bunk.”

I wrapped my arms around him without saying much, hoping that the gesture was enough.  Honestly, I wasn’t sure what Patrick would think, so I don’t want to agree before asking him about it first.  As if Gerard had read my mind, he begins to lead me into the hotel lobby so we can get out of the cold.

“I’ll talk to him over breakfast so we can work everything out before we leave.  I’ve seen the hunk of junk that Pete’s calling their new tour van. There’s no way I’m going to let you travel long distance in that thing.”

I roll my eyes, but Gerard plops down onto the now-empty sofa, patting the seat beside him as an invitation to join.  There wasn’t a fireplace, not even a fake one, but there were floor-to-ceiling bookshelves with a sliding ladder.  The grandfather clock in the corner chimed 5 times as one of the hotel workers brought a steaming hot coffee carafe to the table beside us.  Gerard took a deep breath and sighed longingly.  As he stood to pour himself a cup, he asked if he could get me anything.  For the first time in a while, I felt like I had everything I needed.

[heavyheartfiction]

*tap tap* is this thing on?

Hello!  It’s been a while since I’ve posted to this site and I apologize for leaving so suddenly.  I’ve never been very good at goodbyes.  I’m not sure if anyone is still interested in my story, (I’d Burn This City Down...), but I’ve finally decided to finish what I started!  The next chapter is ready to go, so I’ll be posting it shortly, but there are a few things I wanted to share about myself first.

It’s 11 days into the month of November, but I’m starting (NaNoWriMo)!  If you don’t know what it is, I highly suggest you visit the site, but basically, you try to write 50,000 words within 30 days.  Chances are, I probably won’t reach that goal since I’m starting so late, but I’m happy to use that motivation to get part of this novel out of my head.  It’s something I’ve wanted to write for a majority of this year.

I’ve also (created an account on Wattpad).  This is where I’ll likely post chapters and other stories in advance.  I’ve already posted everything I have for I’d Burn This City Down, as well as the beginning of another fanfiction and an original story that I plan to continue shortly.  If you’d like to follow me there, I’d appreciate it.  By using Wattpad, it’s easy for users to add stories to lists and leave comments on each chapter.  I’d love some constructive criticism!

Lastly, for those of you who just enjoy Young Adult fiction in general, I’ve been blogging about books for nearly 5 years.  If you’re interested in reading reviews, getting recommendations, information on new releases, or giveaways, you can check out my blog, (The Hollow Cupboards).

At the moment I’m holding a couple giveaways (here) & (here).

Thanks for sticking around so far!

[heavyheartfiction]

Miss this story so much :( hope you're doing well!

Thank you, and I miss writing it!  Sorry for taking this long of a break, I thought things would be better by now.  

[heavyheartfiction]

I check your page every day hoping you'd uploaded another chapter😔 I guess the story isn't going to be completed x

I apologize, but I promise you, it's going to be completed.  I just have a lot going on in my life right now. 

[heavyheartfiction]

When's the next chapter out?:(

I'm sorry!  I promise it'll be up soon.  I've just been going through a break up and it's taken a lot out of me.  I didn't want to force myself to write because then the story wouldn't go the way I want it to.  Thanks for being patient, though, I'll try to get the chapter finished tonight so I can post tomorrow.  

[heavyheartfiction]

Can I just say how thankful I am for you writing this fan fic, I have down days and for the past few days it's been lovely been able to come home and happily read it, concealing myself from the world:) I've finished 35 chapters in 3/4 days and I can't wait for the next chapter:) keep it up:*

You have no idea how much that means to me!  I write for myself all the time, but it's really something special when you gather the courage to share your imagination with the world and it's so well-loved.  Keep your eyes open for the next chapter; I know it's a little later than expected, but it's coming!

[heavyheartfiction]

Omg loving the fan fic 👌 how often do you upload new chapters? Xx

Thanks so much!  The next chapter should be up by the end of this week…Life has gotten in the way of my writing time.  When I'm less busy, I aim to publish every couple days.  :)

[heavyheartfiction]

I'd Burn This City Down to Show You the Light

A Patrick Stump fanfiction

Chapter Thirty-Five: Good News / Bad News

Patrick paced from the foot of my hospital bed to the drawn curtain, pulling it back to peer into the bustling emergency room every few minutes before continuing his laps.   I tried to focus on anything, but everything became a blur the moment I realized what was happening.  Beeping heart monitors, heavy footsteps against the linoleum and the cacophony of complete agony became the soundtrack to our possible loss.  As I wring the thick gown between my fingers, I can’t handle having to wait anymore.  From the time that we arrived to where we were now, it felt like days had passed.

“Patrick, please stop pacing.  You’re making me even more anxious.”

He apologized, trading his spot near the door to stand next to me, because he still refused to sit in the chair provided for him.  Every time anyone poked their head in to check if I needed anything, his entire body went rigid and I could feel his pulse speed up just by looking at him.  We were told that the doctor would be in soon to go over the test results, but this was nearly an hour ago, so I was trying my best to remain calm for the both of us.

“I was so afraid this would happen,” Patrick mutters, taking my hand in his.

I watch his eyes scan my body as if I’m completely helpless, and I hate every second of it.  I don’t want to be the damsel in distress.  Instead of turning to him for more comfort, I pull away, knowing that I was responsible for the situation we were in.

“I know,” I clench my eyes closed and take a deep breath, “I should have listened to you.”   

Patrick gently squeezed my shoulder, assuring me that it wasn’t my fault, even though we both knew the truth.  Although I knew that he wouldn’t leave my side, that didn’t stop me from trying to get Patrick to call Pete from the waiting room just to give him an update, because I could already sense his growing concern despite the amount of distance between us.  By now, I’d imagine that he’s already let Joe and Andy in on our little secret.

As I adjusted the gown for the hundredth time, an older woman with wire-rimmed glasses pulled back the curtain and greeted us with a positive smile.  Before she even opened her mouth to speak, she studied the clipboard in her hands and Patrick focused on her intently, as if she was a palm reader getting ready to tell us our future.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” she begins, and I can see in Patrick’s face that the only thing that has registered is ‘bad news’.  As long as it wasn’t all bad news, it was good news to me.  “The good news is that your baby is doing just fine.  In fact, you’re a little further along than you thought you were, and that would make you about 12 weeks pregnant at this point.”

Patrick barely waited for a pause before saying, “And the bad news?”

“Your blood pressure is a little high, but you shouldn’t be too concerned.  Stress is normal in pregnancy, but if it becomes constant, it can cause multiple problems down the road.  I’m going to have to ask you to get as much rest as possible and just try to relax.”

She kept talking, but by that point, I became lost in my own thoughts.  I’ve always been an anxious person, and I don’t know how not to be.  The alarming realization that my incessant worrying could do more damage later on made it difficult to concentrate on much else.  As I fiddled with my hospital bracelet, sliding it up and down my wrist, Patrick placed his hand over mine to steady my restless fingers. 

“Do you have any questions?” He repeated for her, his eyes wide and expectant.

Just for clarification, we spent some time going over why this happened and what I can do to prevent it from happening again.  The doctor seemed no more concerned than if I were to come here to get a splinter removed, which made me feel a little more at ease.  Compared to the other patients she’s probably had to deal with today, I felt a little guilty for taking up so much of her time.  Patrick, on the other hand, was very thorough and always knew exactly which question to ask.  I’m sure with all of that time he spent pacing, he’d thought of a million and one possibilities and the inquiries that go with them.

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” she leaned towards me, as if to share a secret. “You've got a strong one.”

At that moment, I wasn’t sure if she meant Patrick or the baby, but either way, I knew that I was lucky.

Upon being discharged, the first step we took into the waiting room was met with familiar faces.  Pete rose from his chair immediately, gathering the attention of Andy and Joe, who sat facing the opposite direction.  Pete kept his distance, but I could see the apprehension in his eyes.  Once I announced that we were fine and that nothing critical happened, the three of them let out a collective sigh.  Instead of pulling me into a hug, Pete sank to his knees, bringing his hands to my stomach.

“Don’t ever do that again, little one.” He speaks sternly.

My cheeks start to burn once I catch the eyes of an older man sitting across the room, peeking over his National Geographic magazine.   

“Pete, you’re embarrassing me.”

As he stands, he lets out an endearing laugh and gently ruffles my hair before turning to Patrick, who looks even more exhausted than I feel.  Joe steps forward, holding his arms open for me to fall into, which I do.  His hugs, while rare, felt more secure than falling asleep in your own bed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks, and I detect a slight hint of betrayal in his voice.

Joe was the master when it came to pretending that he didn’t care, but when I pull away, I can see the disappointment in his face as well.  I have nothing to say other than “I’m sorry”, because in a way, I’m still dealing with the shock of the news, myself. 

Joe lets out a long sigh, pulling me back to his chest.  “It doesn’t matter, I’m just glad that you’re okay.”

Pete interrupts, holding his phone out for me to take without any explanation.  As I separate from Joe, I take a seat in the chair nearest to me and bring the phone to my ear, smiling as soon as I hear Emily’s joyful voice.  Pete filled her in on everything that happened overnight, from the accident to my trip to the hospital, so I should have expected her call sooner or later.

“I’m so sorry that I can’t be there with you,” she says, “but I’m so ready for you to come home.”

I hear rustling coming from her end of the phone, followed by a series of bangs and a swear escaping her mouth.  Immediately, she explains that she’s in the stockroom at work and that she can’t talk long, because her break isn’t for another two hours.

“Just call me once you get home,” I offer, but she denies.

 Her voice muffles in the middle of the conversation and I consider hanging up the phone after a full minute of silence, but she returns with a full-blown rant about our manager.

“Jake’s a horror to work with when you’re not around, Amelia, you have no idea.  He’s making all of our lives miserable.  That kid...Trevor?  Travis?...Anyway, he quit last week because of him.  Honestly, if I had anything to fall back on, I would just take a bite out of every muffin in the pastry case and walk out.”

I laugh, but the thought of returning to that makes my stomach ache.  “Less than two more weeks, Em.  Just try not to destroy any of the baked goods before then.  If it’s really that bad, I’ll join you.” 

Touring never seemed appealing to me before now, but even as tiring and dirty and difficult it is to be away from home, there was something special about it that I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to.  The first few weeks were rough on me, especially because I’d never lived out of a van.  There was no such thing as privacy, but you get used to it quickly.  Sleeping is difficult and it’s nearly impossible to get comfortable enough to get any rest, but there’s something exciting about opening your eyes and being in a new place every morning. 

I said my goodbyes to Emily, promising to talk more when we each had the time to, and held the phone out for Pete to take.  He was too deep in a conversation to notice my waving hand.

“Wait,” Patrick squinted, trying to understand.  “Within the time that we left the hotel and now, you managed to find and buy a used van for less than $1000?”

“What’s wrong with it?”  I chime in, shoving the phone into Pete’s back pocket  “Does it even run on gas?”

He smirks, “No, it’s foot-powered.  Of course, smartass, I’ll show you.”

The van stuck out like a sore thumb, sandwiched between two shiny new hybrids.  The poor thing looked like it needed to be put to rest.  Small patches of rust covered it like festering wounds, but as long as it would safely get us from Point A to Point B, it didn’t really matter what the outside looked like. 

I couldn’t hold back my giggles as Pete climbed into the driver’s seat, grinning as if he was so proud of himself.  As Andy slides open the side door, Patrick closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Of course, there are no back seats…”

I was ordered to sit in the passenger seat, which has the only working seat belt, while the rest of the guys piled into the back.  Surprisingly, the engine didn’t sound like an old man with bronchitis, as I'd expected.  There was one major off-putting quality about this van, though, aside from its appearance.

“It smells like…” I searched for the correct description as I rolled down the window to let in some fresh air.  “Like sweaty feet and nacho cheese.”

Joe, who sat cross-legged on the van’s floor behind Patrick, groaned in agreement. 

“That’s just Pete,” Andy's quip nearly went unnoticed, but I got a good laugh out of it.  

The drive back to the hotel seemed much shorter than the ride to the hospital, but I assume that had something to do with the terrifying way I woke up this morning and the uncertainty that hung over our heads like a black cloud.  The first thing we did when we got to our room was order breakfast, which would now actually be considered a late lunch.  Before the food came, Patrick completely passed out on top of the bed, fully dressed and with his glasses on. 

Despite how empty my stomach felt, I couldn’t even bring myself to swallow half of my meal.  Everything became tough to chew, even the salad, because my body wanted nothing more than sleep.  As I tugged Patrick’s shoes off and slipped into bed next to him, Pete left the room to give us some privacy.  

"I love you so much," I whisper, slowly taking his glasses off and placing them on the table next to me.  "Even if I don't always deserve you."

I nestle into him, pressing my face against his chest as I listened to heart.  My head pounded and screamed for sleep, but the only thing I could think was "please don’t let me wake up like that again".

After some time, I felt Patrick drape his arm across my body.  He pressed his lips to my forehead and his stubble tickled, but I remained still, as if my thoughts weren't haunting me.

"You deserve the world, Amelia Rose."