imadarkraincloud

[imadarkraincloud]

Sunday Jan 14

Goof Morning everyone,

This week has been so crazy and so scary and so exciting all at once. I am finally doing it. I finally pulled the trigger and started the wheels in motion to begin my own business. It is actually happening and I am so frightened and so pumped up it is unreal. For 20 years I have wanted to do this but I have never done it because I was always told growing up that I could never do something, or that I didn't have the skills. I was never encouraged and always shot down. Now I am doing it and piss on if people don't believe in me, I believe I have the ambition to give it a good shot and try and fight like hell to make it work. I promise that what I don't know I will fight to learn and I will put every single effort into making this a success. I want to take every advantage of the people around me that have the knowledge and experience to help me along the way and I am humble enough to know there is never shame in asking for a hand if I do not know something. Every single choice I have made and every single roadblock I have encountered up to this point has led me here. It was meant to steer me to this point so that I am ready. This will be the first step in me owning something of my own and getting my family ahead of the game and having some piece of the world that is ours. Just starting this journey scarfed the hell out of me. I was so scared to death but once I began it was so exciting and a pure thrill. I will keep everyone updated as to the opening and what it is a bit later. Till next time take care

[imadarkraincloud]

Monster

Woken from my slumber by an angry monster

Thrust into a higher sense of exposure

Judged by those who don’t know me

Seen as the ghoul in your dreams

The creature under your bed

Or the vile beast in your closet

I only want to be left alone

My crime is being too introverted 

I just don’t talk

You see this as wrong

You refuse to tolerate it

So you pick me apart

Piece by piece

Ripping away my humanity

[imadarkraincloud]

Discontent

Everything around me feels quiet

A little bit too quiet

The type that is deafening

Crashing against the fabric of reality

Something feels off

It is your harsh reality creating this discomfort 

Manifesting your fears and dreams

When I see the world around me

When I breath the same air as my tormentors

When i watch over my shoulder constantly

It breeds fear

It breeds discontent

It vaporizes the life out of my soul

I’m still alive

Year dead inside

My passion stolen

[imadarkraincloud]

Monday evening

Hi everybody,

Just me again. Doing what I do, forming words and writing them yet never saying them out loud. That's me the King of the introverts ha ha. The rain is hitting the pavement as usual here where I am, and they say it is going to snow soon. I am getting ready to leave with my son and take him to get some clothes and out for dinner anyway. Today has been a very good day to relax and give my brains a rest fora change . Usually it is going a million miles an hour all day every single day, but today I just let my batteries recharge. No reading or anything mentally straining, just chilling out and watching Snowfall on Disney plus. With everything that is going on lately it has been tough to concentrate and focus on what I need to be doing to keep my mental health good. In the past I would just let it decline and now these days I need to stay sharp and mentally alert. How do you guys out there stay mentally healthy? how do you deal with if at all those days where you are just not feeling it? The weather does a lot for me and my mood I find. If it is raining then I find that it drags me down badly. If it is a nice sunny day than I feel fantastic usually.

We went to the Keg for dinner tonight and I had some beautiful crab cakes with a sirloin bone in steak. It was wonderful and my son thoroughly enjoyed his chicken and my steak as well ha ha. It was absolutely freezing and wet out so it made the trek out there worth it. The steak was our reward for going through hell. My head is pounding right now and it is 11:30 pm and I am still finishing up laundry so I am going to go for now. Thanks for listening and take care.

[imadarkraincloud]

Monday Jan 8

Hi everybody,

I am sitting here and really feeling crappy. Just like a total defeated loser and I cant get it out of my mind . It just seems like I should be in a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere . Or maybe even a house on an island just me and my cat. Far away from the sensitive ears of the rest of the world . Even further away from those who would dare to do me harm. The more than I am in the world the more feel that it is moving way too fast ,and that they have very little tolerance or leniency towards people like me. People who are forgotten and left behind. People who don't really fit in with their social agenda. I cant possibly keep up with your conversation all your words are foreign to me. I have no idea what you want to hear I just know that whatever it is, I am sure not saying it. The way you all stare deep into the inner harbour of my soul makes my skin crawl. How could I not feel like an outsider and an alien in this world ,and on this planet with the way you judge me? My pain and sorrow and sense of hopelessness and nothingness are so impossibly draining and tough to fight. How could I confess to you what is wrong when I don't even know myself? I am not certain how a human being is supposed to feel like when I do not truly feel like one. I feel like a failed science experiment that was destroyed ,or deformed, during the test trial period. I don't have enough tears left to cry out all of this darkness and all of the feelings of being a disenfranchised undesirable . I mean what is it about me that is fucking hard to love? I know I a cold and callus and dark son of a bitch. But I can be loyal and loving and friendly if given the chance.

That's all for now. It hurts to write at this time. I will write more later. Till next time take care.

[imadarkraincloud]

Monday 1:38 am

Hi everyone ,

I am here typing away at 1:38 am in the morning. Not Sierra why I am up because I am tired and need to be up in the morning to get my sons lunch ready for school, but I am not into the idea of sleeping at the moment. I guess I just have too much left to say here before I shut it down fore the evening. The last month has been such a whirlwind for me. We had to deal with our first Christmas without my mother in law. That was difficult because as much as she drove us crazy it simply wasn't Christmas without her. After is long I just got so used to her driving me crazy, I got used to having this woman around. I will never forget the way my son's heart broke when she died. He looked at me and said "I just love her so much" and he began to bawl his eyes out in my arms. I am in so much pain just thinking about it right now. That was his last grandparent . This poor child how I wish I could suffer for him so he didn't have to feel that pain.

This new upcoming year will be a huge one. Last year he began to learn to play a musical instrument and took hip hop dance classes, really took his basketball seriously and grew up an enormous amount. He is molding himself into a real little man and watching it has been terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I love hearing about things he has learned and how he works them into his vocabulary each day.

There are so many things that are frustrating me at the moment. I cant go into details on this one but lets just say that I am at a crossroads in my life and I am not sure what my future holds. I am afraid and angry and lost and everything else.

That's all for the moment. Until next time take care.

[imadarkraincloud]

Hurt

I sit here in the darkness of my mind

alone, broken, hurt, sad

it seems liker an avalanche crashed over my entire world

through all the chaos and destruction

all I can do is watch the havoc and pray for minimal damage

a once happy place with love and understanding

has been brought to ruins

nothing I say can change this outcome

like as soon as you see the avalanche

there's o place to run

you just gotta ride it out

[imadarkraincloud]

50 posts!

[imadarkraincloud]

Be so good they cant ignore you- Steve Martin

[imadarkraincloud]

Wrong Destination

I feel lost in my own body

stuck like a maze in my own soul

Is it right to feel so out of place?

do I belong here

swirling round and round

searching desperately for some purpose

or a place to rest my bones

to belong and feel like I should be there

If only I weren't so damn alone so damn sad

if only my soul didn't feel so pitch black

I look up at the stars at night

wondering if maybe I wasn't dropped here by mistake

that I was a wrong delivery by more people that I fit in with

should I be on this planet?

or am I at the wrong destination?

[imadarkraincloud]

Jan 7,2024

Hi everybody,

Happy New Year! I hope that Christmas was good to everyone and that everyone got to celebrate in whatever way they do. It is officially 2024... wow! that is pretty cool. I thought we were going to have some back to the future flying cars by now but thats a different story. What's everyone's plans for this year? is it to relax more? work harder? lose weight? keep up their good mental health? read more books and gain more knowledge? whatever it is I wish you all the best. It has truly been a minute since I have written in here. I have no excuse but laziness to blame. Holiday chaos has not helped my situation either. Now that it is all over and done with I can perhaps discuss some goals I have for the new year. Not revolutions but honest to goodness goals I have set for myself.

Read more books- Anybody who knows me knows I am a real bookworm and love to read. But I am hoping to read even more this year and to become a better, smarter and tougher version of myself. This will only make me more valuable .

Get my business going- I have come up with a business idea that I am going to start and I am over the fear. I am simply going to jump right in and go for it. I will fill you all in on the details as we go further but I have been looking into it and I am ready to do it.

Get into my best shape possible- I want to get stronger, faster, more flexible. Just for my own satisfaction and to test myself to see just how far I can take this. It isn't the training that slows me down it is the eating proper as I struggle with a terrible sweet tooth. This year I go for broke. I have a good support system and people who are knowledgable in fitness and proper health food plans.

These are just some of the tings I am going to shoot for this year. I want to become unstoppable and really shoot for the stars this year. My goal is to show my son that anything is possible if you work for it. I always tell him after a goal is set "How did you get this?" he replies "Hard work" and I ask "what does hard work do?" "Pay off" he says . I want to be a living example of what I preach to him. I want to give him a reason to be his hero. Well thats all for now people. It feels really good to be back. Till next time take care of yourselves.

[imadarkraincloud]

breeding darkness

Life happens pretty fast

its influence in both light and darkness

shaping your existence and your choices

what could I have done with different choices as a child

or even as an adolescent

would I still end up where I am today?

would my darkness still be such a part of me

eating at me, dissolving my humanity and my light

with every single thought of evil

and every single idea I don't completely ignore

I let that darkness grow and breed inside of me

and I don't hate it

[imadarkraincloud]

Hi everyone,

Just here on my day off reflecting on some of the past year and checking out what has happened and what it could all mean. All the things that happened to me especially the bad tings were put in mylar for a reason. I think they were put in my lap to get me to do what I really wanted to do. My real calling. Starting my own business. This is something I have wanted for so long and it never forced me to pull the trigger on it. This is forcing me to start something because I know I am miserable at my current job. My happiness is my own responsibility and I need to take charge of it now. The next step is to begin research for this new venture.

This is the year that big things are going to happen . We cut a lot of toxic people from our life this year and dumped a whole lot of dead weight. Trusting people has always been very tough for me as I have a lot of issues with people in general. I intend to start my business, I intend to get my son learning whatever new ventures and new skills he wants, I intend to read more books than ever before and I intend to keep writing both on this app and on my stories. I want my mind to be as sharp as ever to unlock my full potential as a human being.

What are some of everybody's goals this year ? what do you all hope to accomplish and what do you hope to see and do?

Well that's all for now. Just my random ideas that popped in my brain. Till next time take care.

[imadarkraincloud]

Monday Dec 11

Hi everybody,

I have been doing a lot of poems but it has been a while since I wrote anything as a journal entry. The last week has not been all that good. It has taken a toll on my mental health and I just want to put riot behind me. My job is wearing me down and I no longer like being there but for the time being I will endure it because my family needs to live. I am miserable and cannot stand the sight of the place but my family deserves the world and so I will take all the crap that gets handled to me because they deserve the best.

On a more positive note I took my son out Christmas shopping at the big mall that is about an hours ride away from our city to look for gifts h=for momma. We found lots of great things for her and we also had a hell of a good time as well. The little person he is and the little man he is becoming warm my heart to no end. The things that he is passionate about are things he discovered and gained interest in himself and that makes me smile. Sure he like basketball and comics same as me, but the interest he has in Pokemon and music. He loves the same music as me but he finds so much love in all types of sounds. The guitar is his favourite and as a result Jimi Hendrix is his favourite musician. Seeing his tastes and style develop is truly a privilege.

We are getting closer to the end of the year and as we do talk about trips in the new year come up. We have spoken about a potential cruise and of course our yearly trip to west Edmonton mall, but now it looks like a trip to Kentucky to visit friends is going to happen. Now I have zero interest in visiting there but if it makes her happy I am good to go at a drop of a hat. We shall see how that goes.

This past year has been the worst of my life just because professionally I have never been more beaten down and that bad mojo drips into my personal life also. Hopefully all this gets better and I get onto a more even keel. I simply cant keep this up for much longer. I need something to look forward to professionally. The time has come for me to create something for myself . Some side gig where I can focus on that and forget my primary jobs bad situation.

Well that's enough of my complaining for now. It was good catching up. Till next time take care.

[imadarkraincloud]

Night Terror

I lay there at night

Late when the demons come

They come from the closet

They come from under the bed

And they come from my mind

They always come from my mind

My own insecurities and fears

Sprung to life 

With horns, tails and teeth sharp enough to cut through my realities

I know they aren’t real

But they don’t know that

[imadarkraincloud]

Warmth

I close my eyes

My mind wanders aimlessly 

Searching for a time I wasn’t so damn sad

When the world made sense

When the weight of it all wasn’t so heavy

When decisions I made didn’t effect the world and its rotation

Heavy lies the crown

I think of light

I think of beauty

It fills my heart and soul full of brightness and essence and everything that’s beautiful 

It feel exceptionally warm and inviting

I need this feeling all the time

It loves to be around me and invites me to stay

I want to be here

Where the darkness doesn’t lie to me

Where the darkness doesn’t trick me

Promise me things it can’t deliver 

I just want to be free