incorrect-soukoku

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Do you truly think so little of me?

Chuuya: Dazai, I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever. But, at the end of the day, you're you and I'm me…I don't know, maybe there's still mafia in you, but let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.

Dazai: [Pause] Yeah… It's probably for the best that we never see one another again.

Chuuya: That's what you’ve always wanted.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: [with his morning coffee] Ah, spring is on its way. Pop music is back. Coffee's almost warm. It's gonna be a good day.

Dazai: [Walking in] Good morning, everyone.

Chuuya: [Dumps coffee] Well, try again tomorrow.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.

Dazai: What? Don't worry about that.

Chuuya: *smiling* Hmm?

Dazai: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.

Chuuya: *contemplating murder*

[incorrect-soukoku]

Atsushi: I’m texting Akutagawa, I’m gonna ask him to dinner. How should I text it, “Let’s get dinner” or “Do you wanna get dinner”?

Kunikida: Go with, “Let’s get dinner”, so you’re like assertive and confident.

Atsushi: For sure!

Yosano: Actually now you sound a little aggressive. Cause you don’t wanna be the guy that’s like “LET’S GET DINNER” like you’re some kind of caveman.

Dazai: You are suppose to ask him to dinner, not tell him to dinner.

Atsushi: Perfect.

Ranpo: Actually wait, now you sound kinda like a pussy.

Atsushi: This is tough.

Yosano: The last thing you wanna be is the overly masculine guy like “LET’S GET DINNER I’M THE BREADWINNER BITCH”.

Ranpo: But guys also love assertiveness.

Kenji: Say “dinner is something I would enjoy taking you on if you were also interested in attending the meal.”

Atsushi: The more words the better.

Tanizaki: No wait, say “I would like nothing more than to take you to the finest restaurant in town for a lovely meal we call dinner.”

Atsushi: Should I send that in a voice memo?

Dazai: Fuck that, say “Dinner tonight, 7PM, take it or leave it, you bitch.” Cause he’s playing games now.

Ranpo: Sign it, seal it, deliver it.

Yosano: I don’t know why gays are so difficult all the time.

Atsushi: I’m not gonna say that.

Kunikida: Definitely don’t say that.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Atsushi: Hey, I've been tailing Chuuya, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.

Dazai: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

Atsushi: Well, you don't have to.

Dazai: No, I'm gonna.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: Hey.

Dazai: Hey.

Chuuya: Hey. Um...When we were dating, did...did I make you feel needed?

Dazai: No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all.

Chuuya: *Sighs* That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry.

Dazai: Wait. Where are you go...That's a compliment. You're the least-needy partner I've ever met. That's awesome. I mean, no guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Chuuya Nakahara. You're your own daddy...and mommy...and weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun...blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing...strong...independent man I've ever banged.

Chuuya: *softly* Thanks, Dazai. You know, um, there's something that I wanted to ask you. *Stands closer* I don't really know how to say it...so here goes.

Dazai: [Dazed, looking at CHUUYA]

Chuuya: *Deadpan* Who's the crazy chick in the apron?

Sasaki: Someone naughty left his toys on the floor...and needs to be spanked on his tushy-tush.

Dazai: Uh-oh. I'm in twubble!

Chuuya: *incredulously* You did it. How?

Dazai: Last night after admitting defeat, I just let myself go.

[Flashback]

Sasaki: Mmm! That looks so good. Can I have some?

Dazai: No! It's my ice cream. You can't have any.

Sasaki: Someone needs to teach you how to share…Who's your mommy?

[End Flashback]

Dazai: Challenge completed! *laughs* Mmm. Now, uh, can you get this freak outta here? I'm really scared.

Chuuya: [Rolls sleeves]I got this.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: *Picking fights cause he’s bored* I think we should breakup, I don’t think this is working.

Chuuya: *Used to his bullshit* Okay.

Dazai: *Genuinely annoyed* That’s all you got? Okay?!

Chuuya: Well, what did you expect? That we cuddle?

Dazai: Fuck you!

[incorrect-soukoku]

Higuchi: Sir, I got a clean shot on the only one in the office. Just give the word.

Akutagawa: Fire on three, two…

Chuuya: What are you guys doing?

Akutagawa: I… You. We’re here to save you.

Chuuya: *Tearfully* You were gonna… save me?

Akutagawa: It was a really good plan, too.

Chuuya: Well, I can go back inside, and you can still do it.

Tachihara: That’s patronizing.

Chuuya: [Tearfully hugs Akutagawa]

Akutagawa: Yeah, no, it’s not… *sigh*

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Oh yeah, we’re, uh…yeah we’re not together.

Goon: Oh. Okay. *Laughs* Something didn’t quite add up there.

Dazai: What’s that supposed to mean?

Chuuya: Dazai!

Goon: Well, you…him…*laughs* I mean he’s very…you know. And you’re like…you know.

Dazai: Not that it’s any of your business, but we did go out.

Goon: Really? You two?

Dazai: Yeah, Chibi?

Chuuya: Come on. I really don’t wanna be doing this right now. I’m carrying a very heavy load.

Dazai: Then tell him quickly.

Chuuya: *Groans* Fine. We went out.

Dazai: Not only did we go out, we did it. 298 times.

Chuuya: Shitty Dazai! Oh my..ugh! You kept count? You are such a loser.

Dazai: A loser you did it with 298 times!

[incorrect-soukoku]

Akutagawa: Hey, uh, Jinko, remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about?

Atsushi: Oh, no, no! Ah-h-h!

Akutagawa: I’m not gonna tell you!…but if you found out on your own that would be okay, and then we could talk about it, right?

Atsushi: Well then it wouldn’t be a secret, so, yeah, that would be okay. Yeah, yeah.

Akutagawa: Yeah. [Pause] Hey, uh, Jinko would you mind going over into Dazai-san’s dorm and getting that book back that he, uh, borrowed from me?

Atsushi: *Panicking* Now? You want me to go over there now?

Akutagawa: Hmm, yeah.

Atsushi: *Suspiciously* Do you know something?

Akutagawa: Do you know something?

Atsushi: I might know something.

Akutagawa: I might know something, too.

Atsushi: What’s the thing you know?

Akutagawa: Oh no. I can’t tell you until you tell me what you know.

Atsushi: I can’t tell you what I know.

Akutagawa: Then, I can’t tell you.

Atsushi: Okay, fine.

Akutagawa: Fine.

Atsushi: *Scoffs* You don’t know.

Akutagawa: Alright, how about I go over there and I will walk into Dazai’s dorm and I will see the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know.

Atsushi: *Gasps* You know!

Akutagawa: And you know!

Atsushi: Yeah, I know!

Akutagawa: Dazai and Chuuya-san?! Oh, this is unbelievable! How long have you known?!

Atsushi: Too long! Oh my god, Ryu. I’ve been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! But listen, listen.

Akutagawa: Okay.

Atsushi: You can’t say anything to anybody. They’re so weird about that. Listen…

Kyouka: [Enters the room]

Atsushi and Akutagawa: Hey-y-y!

Atsushi: Kyouka-chan!

Kyouka: Hey. It’s raining. I don’t like to practice in the rain, so…

Atsushi: Oh! I am gonna go for a walk in the rain. Haha! [Exits]

Akutagawa: Oh, yeah, me too. [Follows]

Kyouka: That’s weird. [Pause] I bet they’re doing it.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Arrange the marriage!

Port Mafia: *cheers and applause*

Chuuya: Wait!

Dazai: What? You’re all I ever wanted. You’re beautiful!

Chuuya: Thank you. But what else?

Dazai: What else?

Chuuya: Is beauty all that matters to you?

Dazai: [Looks to Oda]

Oda: [Shakes his head]

Mori: Dazai… What else?

Dazai: I, uh… What else is there?

Hirotsu: *Buzzer noise*

[LATER - KOUYOU and CHUUYA prepare to leave]

Kouyou: We tried, boss. No one can say we didn’t try.

Mori: [Sobs.]

Kouyou: Say goodbye, Chuuya.

Chuuya: Goodbye.

Kouyou: Goodbye…?

Chuuya: Dazai.

Mori: [Nudges DAZAI]

Dazai: *whines* Boss.

Mori: Dazai!

Dazai: Goodbye, chibi.

Mori: All these years of planning… Wasted!

[KOUYOU and CHUUYA leave]

Oda: What else is there? He says, “Is beauty all that matters?” And you say, “What else is there?!”

Dazai: It was dumb, I know.

Oda: You should write a book. ‘How to Offend Men in Five Syllables or Less’.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: You're an attractive man.

Atsushi: Who? Uh, me?

Dazai: You and Akutagawa spend a lot of time together, don't you?

Atsushi: We do, yes. Uh, but we're just temporary partners. I mean, we're not, you know ...

Dazai: He's an attractive guy, nice bone structure, hypnotic eyes, etc.

Atsushi: I guess so?

Dazai: Have you noticed how uptight he's been lately?

Atsushi: Uh, l-like I said, we're partners, so ...

Dazai: Partners should help each other out, relieve some of that stress. Maybe extend that partner relationship.

Atsushi: Extend? Um ... I-I don't ...

Dazai: You're two attractive people. Any thoughts on how to alleviate that stress?

Atsushi: We could ... we could go for more walks?

Dazai: Walks are good. Walks are nice. I was thinking, since you're already partners, you could extend that relationship ... become the other kind of partners.

Atsushi: Are you ... are ...

Dazai: I am.

Atsushi: Y ... Dazai-san ...

Dazai: Everybody wins.

Atsushi: Th-this is sexual harassment. You know that, right?

Dazai: I think of it as sexual encouragement.

Atsushi: [runs away]

Dazai: Think about it, Atsushi. Take one for the team.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: I can’t…

Dazai:

Chuuya: I can’t remember …our last kiss. All I could think about was, I’m going to die today, and I can’t remember our last kiss, which is pathetic but…the last time we were together and happy, I …wanna be able to remember that. And I can’t Osamu. I can’t remember it.

Dazai: I’m glad you didn’t die today. [Turns to leave]

Chuuya: [Visibly disappointed]

Dazai: It was Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You’d just washed your hair, and you smelled like some kind of …flower. I was running late for a mission. You said you were gonna see me later. And you leaned into me. You put your hand in my chest, and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we’d do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed. [Turns to leave again]

Chuuya: Lavender.

Dazai: [Turns back]

Chuuya: My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner.

Dazai: *wistfully* Huh.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Chuuya: You know, Osamu, If anything were ever to happen to me, I would want you to get remarried.

Dazai: Okay.

Chuuya: Mm. That was a little fast.

Dazai: Oh, no. I ju--I just want to make you happy.

Chuuya: Okay. [pause] Any idea of who you would marry if --

Dazai: Yosano, probably. She works in my office. She's very organized. The kids love her.

Kyouka: Are you guys talking about Yosano?

Dazai: Yeah.

Kyouka: Chuuya-san, she's awesome.

Chuuya: [inhales deeply]

Dazai: Just so you know, if something were to happen to me, I --

Chuuya: *darkly* Oh, something's gonna happen to you, all right.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: I think I should probably tell you. I was married once before.

Chuuya:

Dazai:

Chuuya: [starts hitting Dazai, repeatedly]

Dazai: What is wrong with you?

Chuuya: You're what's wrong with me.

Dazai: It was a drunken Vegas thing.

Chuuya: *sarcastically* That's better. That's much better. Great.

Dazai: Stop it.

Chuuya: Her name and social security number?

Dazai: *sighs* No, you're not gonna kill her.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Dazai: Chibi, you’ve got that face on again.

Chuuya: What face?

Dazai: The “he’s hot when he’s clever” face.

Chuuya: *rolls eyes* This is my normal face.

Dazai: Yes it is.

Chuuya: Oh, shut up.

Dazai: Not a chance.

[incorrect-soukoku]

Odasaku: Dazai, you're going to have to stop screwing around if you want to be Chuuya's boyfriend.

Dazai: Woah, woah, woah. Ha! "Boyfriend"? I don't want to be Chuuya's "boyfriend".

Odasaku: Well, what do you want, then?

Dazai: I don't know. I just want to be with him. All the time. I want to hear about his day and tell him about mine. I want to hold his hand and smell his hair.

Odasaku:

Dazai: *scoff* But I don’t want to be his stupid boyfriend.

Odasaku: Dazai, what you just described is a relationship between a boyfriend and a boyfriend…And a pretty clingy one at that.