incorrigiblemind

[incorrigiblemind]

i’m scared that im just not made for love.

forever unable to accept all that others try to give me, yet always wanting more.

i’m the mold that grows on every foundation. making it unhealthy and the people around me sick.

i scrub and scrub and scrub and i sit in the sun to dry. but my eyes are always flowing and my cheeks anyways damp. it’s impossible to stay clean.

do i just move house again?

i really like the one i’ve been building

why is it never enough

[incorrigiblemind]

also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.

[incorrigiblemind]

Sometimes my sadness is so all consuming that I forget the things that lie outside of it.

I have people that love me and a lovely red roof over my head.

Flowers on my window sill and clothes that aren't torn.

A job that I enjoy and the freedom to go where I please.

Jewellery, food, a blanket, my own bed.

I'm usually so happy and optimistic about everything, or at least I try my best to be.

But sometimes the ball in my chest is just so heavy I can't help but sink.

Right now it's so heavy I don't want to get up.

I want so desperately to pick up the phone, to tell someone.

My boyfriend, a friend.

My sister who's sleeping right beside me now.

But I've sat alone in this silence so long I don't know how.

I'm so scared to have people see me vulnerable.

I'm so tired of being scared too.

How stupid that being sad can keep me in bed and make my knees weak and my stomach turn. Kill my appetite and just impede my day.

It's so stupid, and yet, saying that does not make it go away.

I'm scared if I pick up the phone to my boyfriend, he won't be there for me the way I need him to. Either he'll be too tired (he's already asleep), or he just won't get it.

I'm scared if I call my friend she'll know I'm weak and she'll now see me as such.

My best friend has her own troubles I don't want to burden her with.

My sister is fast asleep and has a long day ahead of her,.

And all these are really just excuses.

I'm scared for them to see me.

I'm scared.

And I'm sad

And I think I'd rather just sit here in the dark for a while.

Tomorrow the flip will switch back on and all will be well.

But tonight I feel the weight of the world on me

[incorrigiblemind]

I've been thinking about my ex.

About how he's been and how he's doing.

If he's a better person now or if he is just as bad or worse

I've been wondering if thinks the same about me.

We were once really good friends.

He was the first person I ever really opened up to and let in.

Maybe that's why I'm thinking of him now.

I wish we could have one last conversation.

Just me and my old friend.

We could talk about the terrible relationship we both had and about why everything went the way it did.

We could gossip and talk shit and laugh just like we used to.

We could have one last hug and a proper goodbye.

I know the person that I miss doesn't exist anymore.

I know they maybe never did.

But I miss them.

Does the boy I once called my best friend think the worst of me?

I don't know why it bothers me so much after all that's been done and said.

I think I just grieve everything.

I'm sorry for all I did, Ryan.

I forgive you for all you did.

I just wish I could understand why.

Maybe in another life we'll keep it as just friends and we'll be able to share anime again.

Maybe in another life you'll still be the person that finally made me feel a little less of an outcast.

Thank you for the love we shared and the life you exposed me to.

I miss our friendship.

I don't think I want it back in this life, maybe the next.

[incorrigiblemind]

i let things slide and my heart weighs with grief, i address things and confront them and my heart weighs with guilt.

is there a way for me to exist that doesn’t fill me with existential dread?

is there a way for me to be a person without feeling like it’s some kind of affliction?

i feel so heavy.

if i jump in the water will i sink and my problems drown with me?

will my body poison the water as i decompose?

will that finally prove to me that i truly am an awful person?

will that be enough?

[incorrigiblemind]

I’m traveling to north Texas with my dad to say goodbye to a dying relative. I’m here to support my dad. I haven’t been able to think about it yet

[incorrigiblemind]

Love spills from your body like rays of light and I’m a child of England, unused to the sun.

[incorrigiblemind]

After a long number years of having love torn from my hands and tossed into the bin like an F-graded essay, I hope you’ll understand my unsureness in showing you all that I rummaged through the bin to save.

I’m not sure how all that was once so brutally rejected could now be so admired and sought after. Especially by someone as beautiful as you.

[incorrigiblemind]

Observation: actual traditional stoicism is a lot more similar to Zen Buddhism than whatever the hell these modern "stoic" bros are doing.

[incorrigiblemind]

i don't want to celebrate but i know this body is an animal that i must tend to like a cow. i put on jazz music and rub my hands down my fur and sometimes brush out the tangles. the cowbody is splotchy and angry and grows horns and always walks too heavy. it is sometimes very hard to love a cowbody. it is hard not to envy the fox or the crow.

i don't want to celebrate, this was a terrible year and i accomplished nothing.

i put coffee on the stove though. i made my bed. i handmade all my christmas presents this year, and it made my mom happy. i don't cry every day anymore, just some of them, and it's not as violent. i finally made something recognizable as bread.

we are supposed to celebrate sometimes, because it is important for the animal body to feel joy, even for manufactured reasons. i hold garlands and feel raw and sullen. i want to spend the party with my eyes closed, just breathing. this was a terrible year, and took too much. in the span of twelve months - my life, slashed in pieces. from half-full to bottom-of-the-cup.

i am going to bake a lot of cookies. i am going to make champagne punch. i am going to show the cow of my body to an empty field and tell her - it's not much, but. this is how i will love her today, when i do not want to. i will put a bell on her and hold her. we are celebrating that i finally learned how to knit, and am very bad at it. that i walked my dog in dark woods and watched the seasons pass. that i made myself a good meal once in a while. we are celebrating nothing but the sun, the grass. the ever-lovely wide night sky.

for now, i guess. we celebrate that we did not die.

[incorrigiblemind]

it's extremely critical that you see the photo of the perp walk for luigi mangione as being propaganda. i've seen so many people wave it off and instead fawn over his looks. and trust me, i know it ended up being kind of pathetic and weird - but please don't brush it off as a "modelling opportunity" for him. it's a fucking terrifying message the police are sending.

i want to make a few comparisons here, in case you're not from the US or familiar with why the perp walk thing is something to pay attention to. just to set the groundwork for why this is a purposeful, unusual, and cruel act by the nyc police - for why this is not a common occurrence and for why that matters.

the prosecution alleges the show of force is due to the charge of "terrorism." for comparison, in june 2015, tsarnaev was found guilty for the boston marathon bombing, which killed 3 people and injured hundreds. his actions are considered to be an act of domestic terrorism. i have spent the last hour looking through google for pictures of similar to mangione's perp walk - and so far, i have found zero. i also just do not personally remember a moment like that, despite living in boston at the time.

they allege that luigi is a stone-cold killer who carried out a longterm plan, making him particularly dangerous. again for comparison: in nyc, recently cory martin was found guilty of the killing of brandy odom. the murder was planned and premeditated to steal insurance money. and yet no staged perp walk. why didn't her life matter enough for a "show of force"?

but mangione gets paraded by a veritable army of police officers as if he is a rabid animal. for a single citizen who allegedly killed one other single citizen, the "largest perp walk ever" occurs.

so what is the "strong message" that the mayor and the police were trying to send here? the mayor speaks as if mangione is already convicted of terrorism. there is a very thin number of people who feel threatened by the CEO's death. none of us felt like mangione needs to be under massive armed guard.

the message is that you shouldn't resist. they are trying to "make an example" of him - that if you behave badly and kill a single rich person, you'll be treated as if you killed hundreds of people. you will be treated worse than a man who was found guilty of terrorism. you will be considered guilty without trial. the message is that the rich are a protected class, and you cannot touch them without massive punishment. they are trying to prevent a revolution by showing dominance and force against you.

the message is that the police are a puppet of the wealthy and that the law is not equally applied across class disparity. it is "some are more equal than others." it is "one life is more precious than another."

the show of force wasn't for luigi. it was for us. it was a warning. they are trying to remind us who is really in control.

[incorrigiblemind]

I wrap my arms around my mother as she cries and I’m reminded of a time when she did not offer me that same kindness. My heart breaks for the woman crying in my arms and for the little girl whose mother refused to hold her. For a second I want to let go, but I look in my arms and see another little girl whose mother refused to hold her. Maybe it’s my job to break the cycle. I hold her a little tighter.

[incorrigiblemind]

Fanfic authors are amazing like they could be literally anyone. That one coffee au you read last night? Could have been written by morgan freeman who knows

[incorrigiblemind]

I keep hate-reading plague literature from the medieval era, but as depressed as it makes me there is always one historical tidbit that makes me feel a little bittersweet and I like to revisit it. That’s the story of the village of Eyam.

[incorrigiblemind]

The Four Horsemen of Pattern Recognition:

[incorrigiblemind]

being in a long-term committed loving relationship with a neurodivergent person, as someone very much neurotypical, has been a beautiful exercise in both humility and communication

[incorrigiblemind]

Ok but like. What the fuck is there to do on the internet anymore?

Idk when I was younger, you could just go and go and find exciting new websites full of whatever cool things you wanted to explore. An overabundance of ways to occupy your time online.

Now, it's just... Social media. That's it. Social media and news sites. And I'm tired of social media and I'm tired of the news.

Am I just like completely inept at finding new things or has the internet just fallen apart that much with the problems of SEO and web 3.0 turning everything into a same-site prison?