jaesephines-blog

[jaesephines-blog]

you showed me your favourite songs and my heart glowed with warmth i think we would be so good for each other you are the most beautiful person i have ever met and one day i could love you so hard that my bones ache you make me afraid of death because for once living means something to me i want to wake up next to you and feel you lazily breathe i want to trace your features with my fingers until i memorize them i want to give you reason to keep coming home

[jaesephines-blog]

Fun Times, Rough Times

Jaesephines - The Blog, Post 03

Before we officially get started, I want to let anyone and everyone know that some parts of this newest blog are very raw, and may be harder to read for others depending on your triggers.

This weekend, and even the end of last week to be honest, has been so nerve-racking, enjoyable, and a mess altogether. I’m gonna dive right in after saying that, no, uploads on Mondays will not be normal. So much has happened, that I want to share and some that I don’t, so I’m uploading a day early, and this Tuesdays upload will be cancelled so to say.

First off, the end of last week went by like a weird, lucid dream. I worked, I mothered and I bought and made some decor for my graduation party, which was Saturday. Going into my grad party, I was very, very nervous. I didn’t think anyone would should. I didn’t think anyone would leave gifts or money. I worried no one would like the food I picked, or the theme I chose. When I have a big gathering, especially when it actually revolves around me, my head spins. Excitement hits when I’m first planning, but the closer I get, the more I dread everything about it. My anxiety soars.

To make those grad party woes worse, for a reason I’m not sure because sometimes that is just genuinely the case, my depression was hitting me pretty roughly. I was picking fights with those closest to me just because I didn’t want to sit around and feel sad and slumped. I was going into the bathroom as soon as I woke up and crying. I couldn’t sleep, at all really. I’d lay down at 10:30 and not fall asleep until 2 or 3. Simply because my brain just wouldn’t stop bringing up things that have and maybe will always hurt me. To top this all off, I dropped my phone and smashed it and ended up having to open a new plan that was a bit more costly. So my stress was a pretty impressive amount as well.

The farther the week seemed to go, the worse I appeared to feel. And the more I would try to make myself feel better, or simply ignore it, the worse it seemed to become.

So when the actual day for my graduation party ensued, I woke up way earlier than necessary, dreaded it the whole time I got ready, went and, surprisingly for myself, enjoyed it. All the outcomes were smooth and nice and I was pleasantly thrilled. More people than I expected came. Some family I hadn’t known were even invited showed up right toward the start and that alone eased some nerves and made me ecstatic.

All in all, my graduation party went over well. I have a good time. I think those who came did too. My time was so grand that I ended up having an after-party. That, however, led to more woes. One of my closest friends ruined the start and after that, I wasn’t really “partying” for fun. I was partying for a distraction. That’s how I went from uphill to downhill all over again.

When I woke up Sunday, I regretted almost everything. I just wanted to crawl into a pit and continue to sleep. I didn’t want seen or heard. I didn’t want to feel like I was still a real person. I wanted to pretend I was some random object or being, preferably just plain nothingness, and vanish.

Sunday was the day for fighting for me. It was a hard, hard time. Going into today I’m trying for better. I’m hoping for a better week. Despite the tough and rough times, I won’t bend or break. Or at least I’ll try not to. Even at my worst times, I know I’m loved. I know I’m cared about. That’s all I really need.

No matter how I feel, no matter what happens, I just need to remember there’s still good. So no matter how you feel, no matter what may happen, I hope you also chose to remember that there’s still good for you too. We’re blooming. Be proud. Of us. Of yourself.

[jaesephines-blog]

But suddenly,

I realized

that I’ve built

the strongest

wall.

That no one

can break it,

unless I let it

fall.

Am I invulnerable? //ma.c.a

[jaesephines-blog]

Open Space Lighting designed by the French artist Morgane Tschiember

[jaesephines-blog]

How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything, but to be okay.

Khalil Gibran (via quotemadness)

[jaesephines-blog]

You will have bad days. Sometimes they’ll be so bad that you’ll question whether you are worthy of this life. Bad days don’t make you less worthy, or less important than anybody else. Surviving a bad day is better than throwing away your chances of having a better one. Please hold on…

— scrapnotes | for the worthy

[jaesephines-blog]

When baby is smiling, it is the great moment, visit my BIO and visit my site about babies #babies #baby #cute #parenting #parents #cutebabies #cutebabys #cutebaby #cutebaba #pictures #newyork #yankees #usababies #americanbaby #babyboy #kids #playing #babyfashion #babyroom #toddlers #kidsfashion #babylove #babys #babysmile https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx7GE_5peuq/?igshid=5q9xm3th8oqi

[jaesephines-blog]

Please give us all more time.

Everyone is like a puzzle, but some have more pieces to solve than others.

Please give me more time, i.c.f.

[jaesephines-blog]

I Have Hope, I’m Just Stressed.

Jaesephines - The Blog, Post 02

It’s not often, in my knowledge, that two days after a blog is published, the writer may already have a good tether to a full fledged career. In my luck (which I never have too much of on a normal day), I’ve got my tether and my hopes are soaring farther than they ever have.

This hope, however, is also stressing me and weighing me down. I already have a job, a daughter, a blog (of course), and am getting ready to move into an apartment alone. There’s only so much I should really be throwing on my plate. But I admit, I’ve never been one to give up easy. And being this close to something I’ve always dreamed of? Feels pretty nice. Worrying, stressing, overthinking, those are all just side jobs in my brain right now.

Does anyone else know that particular feeling, when something great happens, and it seems as if when you walk you’re not touching the ground? You know you are, but the feeling isn’t there. It just seems surreal. You feel strong. You feel like nothing is going to burn or collapse around you for once (if you’ve ever felt that, I’m sorry, it’s the worst, fuck anxiety). You just simply feel so good that you’re radiating good.

In my experience, the feeling never lasts long. This time, though, I plan on making it last. For myself and my daughter and the future I want as a published and official writer. I want my name out there, I want my dream. No matter the worry or stress or confusion, the happy outweighs it all.

That doesn’t mean I won’t have bad days. I’m well versed in my bad days. I can see where they’re coming from and when they’re gonna hit, and I know I can only soften the blow, not stop it fully (not for lack of trying). But, as cliche as it is, the bad days can’t win. They just can’t. When you’re survived so much already and something you’ve always wanted is this close to reach, the bad days gotta go.

For once I’m going to overlook my stress and every situation that doesn’t need my constant tending to and focus. I’m going to get this for myself, because I want it, I deserve it, and I have hope for it. Today, stress loses, today, I get to win. I hope your days go the same. I hope you can let good things happen to you too, especially when you deserve them. I planted, and now I’m blooming. How about you?

[jaesephines-blog]

weaver

in every tale the story is spun in a weaver’s script plucking the strings this way and that and cutting lines so that others can lengthen to my weaver, spin the story of me of my life in threads made of rose specked with gold make it so beautiful that it’s memorable too

[jaesephines-blog]

Details #1: Ritratto di dama con maschera, XIXe, by PIETRO ANTONIO ROTARI.

[jaesephines-blog]

How Does A Blog Begin?

Jaesephines - The Blog, Post 01

Jaesephines has been many things. From a (metaphorical) stage name for a dream long ago, a writer’s name (so as to maybe keep my real name private), to even being what I just genuinely wish my actual name was (perhaps minus the “s”). Through all these ideas though, a blog had always been at the back of my mind. A safe place for literally everything and anything I chose to create or even support. Art, poetry, retellings of my day-to-day life as a mom, student, worker, writer, let’s say just honestly the works. I laughed anytime I thought of Jaesephines being a full-blown blog. I was too young and too busy already to have such a dedication, what was I thinking? Because of this, I kept pushing it back, no matter how much, at times, I felt I should move forward with it.

So, as it was, in the beginning stages of a different kind of Jaesephines, I started an Instagram with the name. Instagram is nice for many things, but the outlet wasn’t large enough for the full scope of what I wanted and still want Jaesephines to be. I went to Facebook shortly after, but I didn’t even try to begin there. The hurtles it wanted me to go through just to begin the page were something else. A few days after that whilst in the midst of going through an old poem filled notebook, I thought about how I used to have a Tumblr where I followed writing blogs on, and the idea to come here was born.

I began  figuring out the look and essence for this blog days after the idea popped into my mind. My first step was opening a Tumblr under the username and putting password protection on so that no one could see anything before I was ready to have it under exposure. After that, I spent quite a bit of time finding the right code that gave me a creative, open spacious look for work. From there, I hit color, picture, all of it. All throughout this process, I kept the secret of what I was trying to achieve from family and friends.

There was a certain ambitious amount of joy that came with doing this on my own. With how busy life was, I was looking everywhere for help and even reassurance, and I’m not afraid to admit to that. But when it came to Jaesephines, I wasn’t looking for help or reassurance or anything or anyone else, I was just creating, and I have always felt happiest when I was creating. No matter what dooms seemed to loom over me, even if I was making them up in my head, coming onto Tumblr and working on what felt like a second child pushed me past that sense of incoming ruin. When life was hardest, I could come here. In the future, that’s the same thing I intend to do. This is going to be a journey, and I’m looking at the horizon of it knowing it’s the beginning, and hopefully far, far away from the end.

The idea behind Jaesephines is simple, an outlet for creativity and growth as a person. For myself and others. So, welcome to me, and welcome to you. I don’t know the rules of a blog, or site in general, but I hope I’ve started this eloquently enough. I also hope you stick around to share this experience with me. Time to bloom.

[jaesephines-blog]

“The only limits for tomorrow are the doubts we have today.”

– Pittacus Lore, The Power of Six

[jaesephines-blog]

Beauty.

Hrafnhildur Arnardóttir / Shoplifter, Chromo Sapiens, at the Icelandic Pavilion at the Venice Biennale.