jocanneverdecide

[jocanneverdecide]

Noah Kahan’s new album save me Noah Kahan’s new album please release and save me.

If i have to keep listening to unreleased songs stacked in my tiktok saved collection i might combust

[jocanneverdecide]

Every time i walk into another’s embrace, my arms form the shape of you.

In the fractured second before they inevitably adjust, you exist right in that empty space that was always made for you; that will always be.

The mind might forget, but my body refuses to let go of everything ‘you’.

The spot on my temple where you kissed me last burns still, as if a prophetic scar; a remainder of war; an aftermath of devastation, and not the sweetest instant of my life – the moment in which everything I ever was and ever will be gathered at the intersection of your lips on my skin.

That innocent moment is lost on me now, the girl I was is no more; but the softness persists.

You persist, and i’m still stuck there; bare feet on warm concrete, summer sun burning a patch on each cheek of mine; you towering over me like a promise I can’t reach… and I’m still 17 and you’ve outgrown my small frame – yet you persist.

- Joanna

[jocanneverdecide]

I reckon if I was a rock stuck in the current of a river, love would be akin to the feeling of wind on my surface whenever the tide is low and the water is not engulfing my every attempt at breathing – maybe that’s love. Perhaps it’s hiding behind the damning need to please God let me feel a spark, each time I look at you. Maybe that’s what it’s all about.

- Joanna

[jocanneverdecide]

The sun shines down on me, and I recall it’s been a while since i’ve felt like this.

Oh, it’s been a while since the sky has been kind to me.

I revel in this kindness as if it’s the agonizingly slow last grain of sand in an hourglass; my time is counted and I cannot help but swallow this temporary feeling in big bites and overwhelming gulps – I choke.

My mind is hazy and uncertain, but the sun knows.

She penetrates my skin in rays and replants moments i’ve forgotten into my bloodstream. she hasn’t forgotten; she couldn’t.

Oh, our joy was immense, was it not? Our laughter reached the farthest skies and I bet you, even the stars remember; even the clouds.

And all those trees I’ve never known before lean towards me in curiosity, what happened? They ask, the sun admires you, but you don’t look admirable to us…

I tell the trees that my flesh is sewn together by a thread of memories, and the sun likes to remember. and me? I know little else but remembrance… I know little else.

I promise to the sun i’ll meet her back where she shines best, where the trees know the callouses of my hands and the prints of my fingers and the shape of my childhood, where the birds sing my laughter back to me and the echoes of the valleys cannot recite my cries; they’ve never heard them. and she promises she’ll paint me golden and erase the paleness, she’ll dry the tears I know she will I know she will I hope she will.

- Joanna

[jocanneverdecide]

Spring brings flowers and memories, and too much missing.

The world spins, still, and I’m standing in place. I don’t mind that anymore.

People walk hand in hand and the sun shines on their happiness and they’re beautiful. I don’t mind that anymore.

I’m beautiful, too, in my solitude. I know that, now.

I hope that, now.

I don’t mind it anymore.

[jocanneverdecide]

Lately, I’ve been allowing myself to feel.

It’s gotten difficult. I’m not 14 anymore and I forgot how to cry, but I still try from time to time. The tears prickle at my waterline still, but they have learned to fear the fall.

I have learned to fear the fall.

I’m trying to undo the knot in my chest and it is tangled almost beyond repair.

I’m almost discouraged, until I observe it better. Just then, I am reminded of my mother, the image clear in my head: bending beside the window to catch the light, glasses hanging on her nose – just slightly crooked. In her hands she softly cradles a necklace of mine, tangled and weaved on itself. She patiently undoes the knots with expertise and ease, it’s free again, and she clips it around my neck like a promise: I’ll undo all your tangles until you learn patience and grace; until you don’t need me anymore.

I think ‘mother, I will never not need you’.

I think ‘mother, how many knots in your chest have you undone all alone until your hands learned the trick’

I think ‘mother, I love you despite every necklace I ruined; I love you for putting it back together time and time again; I love you for loving me and my mess’.

I promise myself to clear the clogged up tunnel until the pain all passes and transforms in the light.

I vow to remember the gentle caress of the sun, I fight the amnesia, I won’t forget this time – not anymore.

Behind my eyes, fear built brick walls that push the light right back out; images don’t reflect anymore and i’ve been left hallow. Behind the walls hides a child who grew up in the sun, and she’s a withering in the gloom.

I will shatter the walls and let the light in, I will allow myself to see the horror and destruction; don’t they paint a picture of lost beauty? Don’t they remind us of the lost love. But if it’s lost then was it not there? And if it left couldn’t it come back?

The ruins still stand in memoriam.

Isn’t remembrance the best we can do?

Is love not hidden behind the cracks?

Aren’t the hand prints of those who built still stuck to concrete?

That’s enough.

for me, that would be enough.

-Joanna

[jocanneverdecide]

Child of War

"take your war away from me" I said, and then I clung to it with my hands and my feet, still begging for it to let go. This war lives inside me; to separate myself from it is to deny my own existence. I am a child of war. I was born under skies lit up with missiles, my newborn cries muffled by the sound of bombs outside the hospital window. I know it like i know my mother's womb, because the first sound I heard upon arriving to this Godforsaken world was not that of the woman cradling me in her arms, but that of the enemy claiming my land the moment it became mine, holding my miniscule hand in promise that this war will never end, even if the missiles stop; it will sound at the back of my head as the first thing i have ever heard, it will keep mocking me, long as i exist, and taking away the things that were supposed to be mine like my hometown and the sacred garden of my grandparents' house, and all my favorite memories that float around, now forever lost, since the walls they lived in were turned into rubble and dust; like my mother's voice at birth and my father not being so far away, the day i was first brought to this earth. This war may have so many names, depending on the time and place, but don't be fooled, it has always been one and the same. "Take your war away from me", I said but the war is mine, I breathed it in with my first breath and it will stay in my veins till my death, it resides. "take your war away from me", I said but the war won't go until it ends or until I end, at the hands of it.

[jocanneverdecide]

this war left rubble inside my heart where my home is supposed to be and i am pretty sure nothing will ever be the same. I'll wait for you to say it's safe to go out. We could take your father's car and drive two hours until we find home. when we do we could hang out where we always did, you would buy me iced tea and an apple flavored sucker, like you always used to do. and if our spot is in rubbles now and your grandpa's old convenience store got shot down we can always take our bikes, go on top of our favorite hill to watch the sun set on our memories. I miss you, I hate this war. I miss you, I hope we'll get to meet again, where we both left our hearts, only once more.

[jocanneverdecide]

February sun ☀︎

when i found nothing else to live for, i started living for the better days. you know the ones. when you wake up and it feels just right. it's worth living for, these 5 minutes at the crack of dawn, when you find yourself caressed by the sun's soft touch, bathed in its rays. when you awake drenched in sunlight on a supposed winter day.

it might rain in an hour. heck it probably will, mid February and all. But February is a gentler month. it is gentler and in its wake it promises a lot. It promises so much. So much more than this.

[jocanneverdecide]

when ocean vuong said "i miss you more than i remember you" he, and i cant stress this enough, really really didn't have to.

[jocanneverdecide]

Someone asked what is love, hozier said lets fuck around and find out and wrote work song and I, carrion (Icarian). I have not been well ever since.

[jocanneverdecide]

― Ovid, Metamorphoses

[jocanneverdecide]

I really love the way they have written Sally and Percy’s relationship in the show. Sally being the mom of a neurodivergent kid and feeling like shes constantly failing. Her being isolated because she doesnt have anyone to talk to about this as a single parent. And she makes mistakes, she feels human. Then we have Percy feeling like a burden to his parent. He cant understand why none of his parents want him around even though its for his wellbeing. It’s so heartbreaking but so real.

[jocanneverdecide]

unpopular opinion, but as a noah kahan fan who discovered him through stick season, i dare say that as amazing and awesome and truly mind blowing the album is, it's almost put to shame by his older stuff. everyday i discover a different song from his older albums and my mind is just BLOWN like wow man what's that melody what's that pen game. like the whole cape elizabeth ep are you kidding?? still totally adore all 3 stick season albums tho down to every song.

[jocanneverdecide]

Percy calling Kronos grandpa 😭😭 and Sally being like 😐 no. My favourite son and mom duo fr

[jocanneverdecide]

so in the story of medusa, it's always said that Athena had turned her into 'medusa' because she had been jealous that Poseidon had not only graped her but also in her own temple, desecrating her sacred space.

now for those of you who didn't know, Medusa had been a worshiper of Athena, and had spent most of her time in the temple. but men had always followed her there for her beauty and begged to bed her and whatnot. Most say Athena was jealous. That she punished her after she got graped by Poseidon by giving her snakes who turned whatever man who looked at her into stone. Because how dare anyone be prettier and more charming than her right? She was mad that her own temple was not used to worship her more than to chase after medusa.

and that tale makes sense right? women are full of vengeance and jealousy, isn't that the truth?

or maybe it's what they want us to think. the way they want to instill this mentality in us, give this idea about women to the world. one of the rare women goddesses is only so full of hatred. but today i heard something that changed my entire perspective on this.

what if Athena was just trying to help medusa protect herself against the offense of men who only want her body and beauty and pay no mind to what she wants? what if she gave her this weapon of protection? Because would she ever really punish her for that?

because, even if she is a Goddess worth her title, What could she against the Olympian God Poseidon after all? not much I must guess.

What if we stop viewing womanhood from a man's eyes? This perspective is much closer to the true reality and identity of women, and i will stand by it till the day i die.

[jocanneverdecide]

I am not ashamed of this opinion

I think The Cadence of Part-time Poets is better than ATYD. I love both though.