junflower123

[junflower123]

Momma always reminded me that I cost money

But, her genes have me laying the ultimate price

Addiction is my conviction

Why can’t I just be normal?

I’m just so mournful

For the child who deserves some

Semblance of stability

Semblance of sanity…

Now, adulthood feels like the childhood she never got to have

Learning, growing

Smiling, finally

Breathe, girl. Breathe.

Lift your head up. Things are only looking up.

The demons aren’t tougher than you.

You are a demon to them.

[junflower123]

All I do is beg.

All I do is plead

To stop riding the peak of the worry wave

I don’t think I am a good surfer.

Those that think they aren’t good

Can’t be good

It’s only a matter of time

Before I

Drown.

I fear I already am…

[junflower123]

I need controlled substances in order to stay in control

Otherwise, alcohol is like candy to me

Yum, yum!

But, I can only consume one judgment free

They’d rather me lose control in a socially acceptable way

And yet, my downfall would be entirely my fault…

[junflower123]

Why do I care about their opinions of me?

It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter.

I don’t matter-wait?

My brain loves to jump to the worst

I’m cursed with an affliction…

[junflower123]

Our vices are devices

To cope momentarily

Oh, it is a sweet sweet moment

The uncontrollable thoughts are controlled!

You feel completely at peace

And for once, life doesn’t seem so hard

Life is not only manageable,

But conquerable!

Feeling so free!

But freedom comes at a price

And so does living too…

[junflower123]

Mental stability comes at a price

Paying full price or

Insurance

And copays

Medication side effects

Trips to the pharmacy

Waiting room time

Therapy room time…

Lost time from years of untreated mental illness

Mourning what could have been

Mourning what will never be…

[junflower123]

Mental healthcare is

Doctors appointments for lunch or vacation

Medication is a sustainable meal

Feeling the Bahama breeze of the overhead fan

Laying by the (fake) trees in the luxurious waiting room

Enjoying it so much, you lay there

For hours

And hours

And hours….

[junflower123]

Of course they don't approach me! All they see is a giant brick wall Rebuilding before they have a chance to see what's behind it...

[junflower123]

If dating is a right of passage Am I still an infant? Earned degrees, but no knowledge Can only learn through experience

I guess I don't know how to love.

[junflower123]

You don’t need to pretend that the medication is fixing you

You’ve convinced yourself your existence is the problem

And not the disorder

Medication is not a fix

You don’t need to be fixed

What you need a tool

Medication can be one of many tools

To help fight the disorder

You are not the disorder.

You are not chaos.

Chaos is coping with the disorder

Maybe you haven’t been coping well

But who the hell would?

Tools are not fixes.

Tools are about managing

Managing is hard

Managing is hell

Sometimes, managing enough is simply making sure you’re breathing the next day

That’s okay enough.

You’re doing enough.

————-

This is my outside perspective watching my friend cope with bipolar disorder.

[junflower123]

I didn’t know what was going on back then

I just noticed a shift in you

Every once in awhile

The same soul

But, a different mindset

Up and down

Head spinning all around

Yet, everyone is expecting you to keep on moving forward

You feel as if you’re hanging from a wire, moving

Up and down

Up and down

Either wanting to die

Or doing things that could kill you

Chemical warfare

Dopamine, living the dream!

SSRIs, helping mania take flight

The plane crashing as depression takes ahold

Booze, weed

Then finally, antipsychotics!

A new battle begins

Findings the right meds

Maintaining access to the right meds

Battling the side effects of the meds

…would it be better to fight chemical warfare without chemicals?

Always fighting, no matter what!

Up and down

Thoughts spinning all around

You must be exhausted.

Up and down,

And all around!

——————

This poem is about me watching my friend deal with bipolar disorder and her trying to navigate getting help for it and trying to manage it the best she can.

[junflower123]

Wore not needing to drink caffeine like a badge of honor Taking meds was my Nobel peace prize Being unmedicated feels like the end of the peace treaty with myself

How am I supposed to barter? The only way I can win is chemical warfare

Hiding in the trenches Until I am strong enough to fight again

___

About losing access to ADHD meds

[junflower123]

[junflower123]

Cliques, cliques

Ride their dicks

Fucking bullshit

Makes me sick

Cults, cults

For adults

Think they’re so powerful

But all they leave is a soulful

Taste in my mouth

Spit it out

No doubt

Disgusting

Mistrusting

Their words are venom

I’m not a fan of

Toxic gossip

[junflower123]

Mom doesn’t check in very often

I know that she cares, though

Think she finally learned

That simply loving and caring isn’t enough

If it was, she would have put an immediate end to the generational trauma

I know she tried.

But sometimes, trying is not enough

And maybe, trying will never be enough

And the only way I can end this generational trauma

Is to not create another generation

And focus on creating self-growth

Self-healing

Self-love!

I love myself more than my obligation to the bloodline

The bloodline ends with me.

The generational trauma ends with me.

[junflower123]

Always said someday I’d get out

And got out I did

Did it for that little kid

Who wanted more for herself

Than a city of sadness

No prescription could change that

[junflower123]

CW: Mention of past SI

I was angry all the time

Outgrew the walls in my home

But was still trapped in them

My mind grew faster than my wallet

Then, both stayed the same

Confined by the walls of my childhood bedroom

Suffocated by the wall of my childhood bedroom

Thought I would take away my life in my childhood bedroom

Now, it’s trying to take away the life I never gave

I can’t win the battle here

But I can win the battle elsewhere