killedthedreamerdream

[killedthedreamerdream]

Okay I need some outside opinions:

Is it dumb/pathetic/wrong to be a little pissed at my friend because I feel like we never hang out while she always has time for her boyfriend?

They've been together since January and before that, we were always able to hang out at least once a week now we never do. Literally I saw her for 3h last Thursday and that was the only time in at least 1 and a half month we did something. She had a busy semester so I didn't push too much, now it's summer and she has a new job so I still feel bad for pushing to see her. But I miss her. And I keep seeing pics of her with her boyfriend and I feel bad because while I get the type of relationship is different I still feel like we could hang out a little more.

The thing that pissed me off today is that she's at the beach with her boyfriend. A beach I showed her. We talked all year about being excited for summer to go to the beach together and she went 3 times with her boyfriend in the last two weeks while obviously we didn't. I know this is a public beach and all so it's a little ridiculous to feel so hurt but it's a very special place for me and I'm upset because I don't have that many friends to go.

Anyway I'm a little dramatic

[killedthedreamerdream]

I don't know who to share this poem with, so I thought I'd post it here. It's different than my usual posts. I'm always questioning my sexuality and I thought I was aromantic, but lately I developed a crush. I wrote about it:

[killedthedreamerdream]

the heartache of being aroace is so crushing. i was born to love fiercely and all encompassing. i want to cook for you. i want to take you on picnics. i want to take care of you when you’re sick. i want to sit in silence with you. i want to share my life with you.

but no, i don’t want to kiss you. i don’t want to have sex. i don’t even really like holding hands. i’m sorry. i know its not enough. i’m sorry i’m not more.

please let me love you anyways.

[killedthedreamerdream]

for the ace ofmd fans out there :)

[killedthedreamerdream]

Moms getting home in a bad mood try not making your autistic child cry challenge!

[killedthedreamerdream]

my most persistent toxic trait is that i wholeheartedly unironically think glee is a good show

[killedthedreamerdream]

CON REPOSTED IT ON INSTAGRAM AAAAH

Some Izzy Hands portrait I drew recently. They're not complete but I never finish my drawings so I thought I'd post them anyway. I miss OFMD so much so I cope with drawing my favorite.

[killedthedreamerdream]

Ok but like I'm 18. Next year I'll need to choose my university path, so what I want to do with my life. I'm so scared. I feel like I won't be interested in anything, but the things that could interest me are either not possible with my disability or way too difficult and selective, which is not really an option because of finances.

I really love movie making, cinema, all of that stuff. I definitely don't want to be an actor, but working on set sounds amazing. Becoming a director or a screenwriter are probably the only things that would truly satisfy me. But I don't have the money, nor the guts, nor the skills to really do that.

I thought of journalism. I love to write. But again, it's pretty selective, and I feel that I would get bored with subjects that are not linked with hyperfixations or special interests. Plus, the worst part of that job are interviews which I just can't imagine being able to do since I'm autistic and absolutely horrible with communication.

I thought of photograph. Doing photojournalism. But I actually never done photography, so what if I don't like it? I know nothing of photography and I'm scared of taking a class, not liking it and having wasted time and money. Also the traveling aspect scares me. I never traveled and I don't know if I'm able to.

I thought of being an author. Since I was little, that was always the thing I thought about, until I discovered cinema. But it's not that stable financially and as time goes by, I realize I don't really have the skills for that.

I'm so lost and, frankly, terrified of the future.

[killedthedreamerdream]

Some Izzy Hands portrait I drew recently. They're not complete but I never finish my drawings so I thought I'd post them anyway. I miss OFMD so much so I cope with drawing my favorite.

[killedthedreamerdream]

I was doing some research and learned that not all autistic people had meltdowns. I guess I need to research some more

I've been officially diagnosed with autism 3 weeks ago. I had been on a waiting list for 2 years and I am now diagnosed at 18 y/o. The problem is that now, even more than before, I doubt myself. What if I'm not really autistic. It's weird I feel like when I was a kid it was easier for me so since right now it's really difficult to manage autistic traits, I feel like I'm faking them. Also I realized that I never really had an autistic meltdown. Maybe I'm not sure what it is but when I'm hearing other people talking about meltdowns I can't help but feel like it's not something I experience... I'm struggling a lot and I feel horrible about myself.

[killedthedreamerdream]

I've been officially diagnosed with autism 3 weeks ago. I had been on a waiting list for 2 years and I am now diagnosed at 18 y/o. The problem is that now, even more than before, I doubt myself. What if I'm not really autistic. It's weird I feel like when I was a kid it was easier for me so since right now it's really difficult to manage autistic traits, I feel like I'm faking them. Also I realized that I never really had an autistic meltdown. Maybe I'm not sure what it is but when I'm hearing other people talking about meltdowns I can't help but feel like it's not something I experience... I'm struggling a lot and I feel horrible about myself.

[killedthedreamerdream]

I hate being political on this account but seeing the news this morning and seeing trump was still on the ballot…

FUCKING VOTE AMERICANS AND NOT FOR THE RED FUCKER

This will be a turning point. I swear to god.

You HAVE TO vote. I don’t care if you “hate Biden due to xyz” not voting for him let’s trump win by default! Jesus ducking Christ

[killedthedreamerdream]

If any of you ever feel like what you're doing for Palestine isn't helping anything, I'll tell you right now it's helping me. I know it is fortifying all of us who have been in this fight for years to see so many people willing to speak up. It has never been like this before.

The tide has already turned. The fact that #free palestine will have new posts everyday, that helps me. It helps my mental health knowing that Palestinians are less alone now than ever.

Yesterday I read some verses from the Quran talking about how "the blame" is not with those who wish to help but cannot, but with those who CAN help and do not.

Truly I do not care if all you do for Palestine is post in that #free palestine everyday, that is still more than many people with the means to do even more would do.

We see you. We see you standing in solidarity with us and with Palestinians. We love you. Thank you.

[killedthedreamerdream]

At the end of my autistic assessment, the psychiatrist sat my parents down to tell them that yes I was autistic, no doubts. But that it was okay, because we all could make efforts to make the relationship easier.

I was thinking about how.. unfair, I guess, it was. I also get that it is necessary, but let's think about it. All of my life right now is a complete effort to just exist in a neurotypical constructed world. I make efforts at school, in class and while talking to my teachers. I make even more efforts with my friends, because I know I have to take care of them, friendship is not granted. I make efforts going to the store and sometimes even while walking in the street. I make efforts at work because in this society I really need the money. Then I get home and I don't live alone, so I have to make more efforts. I have to sit down for dinner and answer questions and ask some in return while I have a pile of homework in the back of my mind and all I want to do is to sleep the next 14h away. But my parents, they do all of that without much efforts, just normally. Then they come home and have to make efforts to just do less? Be a little less noisy, ask a little less questions, expect a little less answers.. but still they expect me to give them so much more than I'd naturally give?

I understand in some ways why I have to do it but it kills me that they'll never truly understand why they have to, and why what they ask of me is a bit unfair.

[killedthedreamerdream]

The ‘you’re mature for your age’ to sleeping with a bed full of plushies in your mid twenties pipeline is real

[killedthedreamerdream]

After a 3h appointment, making up a story with toys, fake brushing my teeth and forced eye contact I'm finally doctor approved. Got my autistic diagnosis this morning I'm exhausted

[killedthedreamerdream]

Yeah, hi, so,

I have a better idea:

✨Let aroace characters be aroace✨ challenge 2024 [impossible]