kingstarkingslay

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This will forever win the Oscar for the Best Response to “would you still love me if I were a worm.” in fact, I need this entire monologue tattooed onto my ribs so that the next time someone asks me that cursed question, I can just silently lift my shirt, make direct eye contact, and let them read about the terrarium, the rotting fruit, and Cillian Murphy in the Cotswolds.

Once again, this is from Chapter 7 of I'll Be Home for Christmas

@languagelessonswolfstar you dropped this 👑. thank you for your service. this monologue has spiritually nourished me more than my actual breakfast.

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" and felt the breath leave his lungs with the barreling force of the Hogwarts Express."

this line grabbed me by the throat, kissed my forehead, and then threw me off a cliff. 13/10

this excerpt is from Chapter 3 of I'll Be Home for Christmas by @languagelessonswolfstar

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Regulus Black google search history :

"How to hide a body (hypothetically)"

"Best poisons that look like accidents"

"Can you kill someone with aesthetic"

"How to cast a silencing charm on your own feelings."

"James Potter birthday gift ideas (non-romantic???)"

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Remus writes in all lowercase. Sirius writes Like This. James WRITES IN ALL CAPS. Regulus writes in cursive so aggressive it looks like an exorcism.

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Regulus doesn't walk. He glides. The man’s footsteps make zero noise. He appears next to people like a haunting and they flinch every time.

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Lily doesn’t threaten violence. She just says “alright then” in a specific tone and everyone immediately shuts the fuck up.

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James once cried over a dog he met for 7 minutes. Regulus watched him for the full 7 minutes. He fell in love somewhere around minute 3. He’s never recovered.

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Sirius calls Remus “love” so often it stops being a pet name and becomes his entire form of address. As in: “Love, pass the salt.” “Love, you’re bleeding again.” “Love, your nose is in the wrong book.”

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You don’t understand. James does the little squeeze when he hugs.

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Remus is like “I don’t like attention” and then proceeds to write Sirius entire love letters disguised as passive-aggressive grocery lists.

“We’re out of tea. You’d know this if you ever came home at a reasonable hour. Bring honey. I miss you.”

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Sirius will 100% throw hands with anyone who’s even mildly rude to Remus. Even if it's a barista. Even if Remus is the one being rude first.

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Remus is the type to say “I’m fine” while actively bleeding. Sirius is the type to say “I’M DYING” because he sneezed twice.

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Follow-up to Remus’s emotionally vulnerable letter to his pet rock, Sedrick

Because of course Sirius found it. And of course he had thoughts. And of course he wrote a letter. To the rock.

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To: Sedrick Species: Sedimentary (Tragically.) Occupation: Therapist, Desk Goblin, Thief of Affection Date: The Day My Boyfriend Emotionally Cheated on Me With a Rock

Dear Sedrick,

I hope you’re proud of yourself. You, a fist-sized boulder with no legs, no emotions, no cheekbones, have somehow wedged yourself into the most sacred space known to man: my boyfriend’s delicate, overthinking, tea-scented heart.

Impressive. Truly. Bravo. Mazel tov.

While I was out here risking my emotional stability every full moon �� applying salves to his shoulder, braiding his hair back because “it’s in my mouth, Pads, get it out” — you were just sitting there. Looking smug. (Yes, I know you don't have a face. I can still tell.)

You didn’t even flinch when he named you Sedrick. That’s not even a name, it’s a geological pun, and you sat there and accepted it like the emotionally manipulative mineral you are.

Let me ask you something, Sedrick. Have you ever held Remus when he was sobbing into your cardigan because he accidentally crushed a spider and now believes in karmic punishment? Have you ever listened to him spiral about whether lycanthropy is a metaphor, an identity, or just “a really bad skin condition?” Have you ever told him he's enough — scars and all — with nothing but a touch and a look and a "stop talking, love, I’m right here"?

No. You just exist. And apparently, that’s enough now.

I would throw you into the lake if I thought it would matter. But I know he’d dive in after you. And knit you another scarf.

So instead, I’m writing this letter. Like a sane person. Which I’m not. Because I’m in a love triangle. With a werewolf. And a fucking rock.

Yours in silent loathing, Sirius Black (emotionally textured, thank you very much)

P.S. If you ever roll off that desk in the middle of the night again and land on my foot, I will file you down into decorative gravel. Consider this a formal warning.

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This is a follow-up to that one headcanon I posted ages ago where Remus owns a pet rock named Sedrick (“Because it’s a sedimentary rock, obviously”). I couldn’t stop thinking about what a full moon recovery would look like with Sedrick still loyally sitting there — so here’s Remus, writing him a letter like the emotionally repressed Victorian ghost he is.

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To: Sedrick, my loyal sediment Currently residing: Left corner of my desk, wedged between my annotated Shakespeare and a stolen Honeydukes wrapper Date: Full Moon Recovery, Hour Six of Staring Into Nothing

Dear Sedrick,

Once again, you have proven yourself the only creature in this godforsaken castle capable of minding your own business.

You didn’t gasp at the scratches. You didn’t offer useless platitudes like “get some rest” or “have you tried not being a lycanthrope.” You didn’t ask what it feels like.

You simply… sat there. Flat. Slightly grainy. Unmoving.

I envy you.

Sirius, of course, tried to name you “Rocky Balboa.” He also taped googly eyes to your face this morning. I have since removed them and placed them on his pillow in the shape of a frown. I hope you’re not traumatized. If you are, blink once. I’ll wait.

…nothing. Good lad.

You are, without question, the most stable thing in my life. (That includes my spine, which currently feels like it’s been chewed by a Thestral.)

Please remain exactly where you are. I find your presence grounding — literally.

With all the sincerity I reserve only for inanimate objects, Remus

P.S. I knitted you a very small scarf. It’s gray. Like your soul. P.P.S. If Peter steps on you again, you have my full permission to break his toe.

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pt.2

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AMAZON FINDS THAT SCREAM JAMES POTTER

James definitely got that last one for Regulus and himself

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This looks like something James would gift Sirius

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✨Weird Muggle Items the Marauders (+ Co) Would Absolutely Own for No Good Reason✨

James Potter • A remote-controlled mini drone that he calls “Snitch Jr.” • Owns a life-size cardboard cutout of David Beckham  – He calls it “Dad” as a bit. Nobody knows if he’s joking anymore

Remus Lupin • An alarm clock that gently simulates sunrise • Proud owner of a pet rock named Sedrick  – “Because it’s a sedimentary rock, obviously.”  (Peter: “That’s not even—” / Remus: “Shhh. He’s resting.”)

Sirius Black • Scented candles with names like “Emotional Reckoning”  – Doesn’t know what sandalwood is, but he needs it • A lava lamp he named Regulus  – Purely out of spite. (It glows green. He calls it “The Better Brother.”)

Peter Pettigrew • One of those jellyfish mood lamps — just… stares at it • A fridge magnet word poetry kit  – Writes terrible puns. Gets genuinely upset when no one reads them.

Lily Evans • Noise-canceling headphones that say “I Can’t Hear Mediocre Men” • Owns a tiny USB disco ball she plugs into literally anything electronic

Mary Macdonald • A flip phone she doesn’t use, but flips very dramatically  – No service. Still iconic. • A book that’s actually a hollow container for snacks

Marlene McKinnon • Owns a tennis racket purely to slap people with it • Has a plastic clapping monkey toy that she says is her Patronus

Regulus Black • Has an Etch A Sketch  • Secretly obsessed with mug warmers (a Slytherin trait, probably) • Also bought a lava lamp to spite Sirius, then got genuinely attached to it  – Its name is Cosmos. They don’t talk about it.