libraryofnesta - Tumblr blog

[libraryofnesta]

Tied to Ruin

ao3 link

Summary:

Cassian and Nesta were lovers, partners in crime. They did everything together. That is until tragedy strikes, causing Nesta to run away, far from everything she once knew.

Over five years later, Nesta is living life to as full as it can get. It’s not until an incident occurs that drags her into far more than she bargained for.

Notes:

thanks so much for reading. i'm a huge hoe for exes to lovers, so i have like 20 ideas in my head, and this is one of them. It's multichapter. i'm not sure how long this is gonna be, but definitely over ten chapter. this fic has two timelines. One will show them from when they're kids to teens, and one while they're adults. Both will occur at the same time, so things will start to unravel as you read.btw! velaris is gonna be like a super small town in new york. like no one knows about it.

TW: implied domestic violence, nothing graphic.

Chapter 1: lonely beds, different cities

Words, how little they mean

When you're a little too late

I stood right by the tracks

Your face in a locket

Good girls, hopeful they'll be and long they will wait

-

Sad Beautiful Tragic

Taylor Swift

2016, Small Town Velaris

“Please,” she whispers, voice hoarse. Nesta is practically begging at this point, but she has nothing else to relent to. “We can get out of here.” She swallows hard when he doesn’t reply. “We’re still young Cassian, we can still-”

“Nesta.” He says. It's one word, but it makes her pause. He rarely calls her Nesta. It’s always ‘Nes’ or ‘Sweetheart.’

“I can’t.”

Their lives have changed so drastically over the past few weeks. Nesta’s whole childhood is here. Everything she’s ever known. She’s not sure how much more of it she can handle now.

She’s well aware of the tears streaming down her face. Nesta doesn’t know what she can say to convince him, so she says the one thing that she’s been repeating over and over.

“You can…”

Cassian’s face seems to harden. The look he gives her makes her take a step back. He hasn’t looked at her like that in years. “Go ahead and leave Nesta.”, he says, voice rising. “Go live that picture perfect you always wanted. I won’t stop you.”

“Not everyone wants what you do.”

2021 New York, Manhattan

Something about leaving Valkyrians still makes her feel at odds. She’s not as resistant to the sight of blood anymore, and she’s not sure if she can ride a motorcycle as well as she used to. There are still parts that linger though. She still remembers how to throw a punch. A damn good one too. She still feels uneasy when someone walks in the same direction for too long though. It might be the worst part of it all.

Nesta doesn’t do much for fun.  She doesn’t dance as much as she likes. The amount of books she reads has decreased. Her days consist of work and eating, even though she skips more meals than she should. But she’s free. That’s what really matters, doesn’t it?

The muscles in Nesta’s body ache. She just finished a seven hour shift, and got a promotion that pays much better. Nesta wants to celebrate. She wants to talk to someone. It’s been so long since she’s talked to anyone. The fear of someone finding out about her past is lodged so deep in her head it caused her to isolate. The simple way of putting it is she has no friends.

Coworkers are the only source of non-work related conversation she engages in. It’s always small talk too. Just as Nesta is about to fall asleep, she rubs her eyes and forces herself to stay awake. Getting up from the lumpy couch, Nesta walks to her cabinet, grabbing a random mug and pouring wine into it. Once she gets a better look at the mug, she can’t help but scoff.

It’s ironic. Complaining about being lonely. It’s almost like she chose loneliness. She loves the quiet. When she was younger, all she wanted was alone time. She dreads it now. Nesta gets up after finishing her glass.  She’s a bit drowsy, and is way too tired to walk all the way to her room. Instead Nesta walks back over to her couch. She lies horizontally, staring into the abyss until she eventually falls asleep.

She dreams of seeing him that night. It’s a regular occurrence. It’s lessened over the years, but never fully disappeared. The image of him is blurry. It’s not as precise as it used to be. She hates still thinking of him. It doesn’t stop her from reminiscing a little though.

Her being upset makes sense of course. They’d known each other for over ten years, hating one another at first. Eventually, he began to grow on her. Their bickering had become playful, before they once again became estranged.

“Cassian?”

The figure turns around, and he knocks the wind out of her. His hair is out of it’s usual bun.  He gives her that familiar boyish smile, walking towards her and putting an arm on her.

“Missed me Sweetheart?”, he says, ruffling her hair a bit. Nesta scrunches her nose in response.

“You wish.”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah yeah whatever.” He talks for a while. Nesta’s barely paying attention. It’s just nice to hear his voice again. He asks her what she’s reading, and she replies the same every time. It’s silent after a while. They’ve talked themselves out. It’s a nice silence though. Her favorite silence.

Cassian stares at her for a few seconds, giving her a soft smile and pushing a loose hair behind her ear.

“Come back,” he whispers.

Her breath stutters. “It’s been five years, Cass,” she mutters, breaking eye contact. Her eyes flicker between the ground and his face, gauging his reaction.

He doesn’t stop looking at her.

“I didn’t want to leave,” said Nesta. There’s a lump in her throat.

He scrubs a hand over his face. “Yet here we are.”

“You know why I left.”

Her eyes feel like they’re beginning to water. “I asked you to come with me. You’re the one who didn’t.”

Cassian looks to the side. He looks impassive, yet also emotionless. “You’re the one who ran away, Nesta.”

“I didn’t run away.”

He scoffs in response. “Keep telling yourself that.” Cassian starts walking away. It’s cloudy and has no solid ground or sky. At that moment she remembers where she really is. Nesta stands there, waiting until he fully fades away. It always feels too real.

The dreams always end like that.

Nesta can barely pry her eyes open when she wakes up. She has the next two weeks off. Her boss, Helion, had insisted she take a week or two off, since the bar was under a small renovation. She checks her phone and it reads 12:03. Jesus, she really had overslept.

In all honesty Nesta had no idea what to do with her free time. Maybe she’ll finally finish that book she started months ago. But in reality Nesta knows all she’ll do is go to a bar and let a stranger fuck her into oblivion until she kicks them out or leaves.

By the time Nesta leaves her house it’s around 3:00.  She goes to the coffee shop next door. She orders a coffee and sits in the corner of the room. Nesta somehow feels like the center of attention. It’s an empty shop, but it feels like all eyes on her. The room feels too cold.

The feeling follows her when she goes to the local bookstore. It’s crowded, but the area is quiet. Nesta browses through the shelves, sticking to the romance section. She holds a few books. It’s not until Nesta drops one, people begin to look at her. It makes a loud thump hitting the floor. Several pairs of eyes turn to her. The cover is of a shirtless man too.

Fuck , she thinks, This is embarrassing. Nesta purses her lips, hand curling into a fist as she puts the book back on it’s shelf.

It’s around 5:00 when she takes the train home. Nesta spent the rest of her day at the park, not wanting to stay at home. It doesn’t feel like home as much as she’d like it to though. Finally, Nesta makes it home.

She’s in an empty parking lot. The area she lives in is pretty small.  Nesta knows basically everyone in her apartment complex. It’s a tiny place. She never talks to anyone, but they do acknowledge each other. Barely anyone has a car either, herself included. So it is a bit weird to see an unrecognizable car. It’s odd, but Nesta thinks nothing of it. It’s probably just someone visiting.

Nesta goes into her apartment, before leaving once more to go to the bar that’s the second closest to her apartment. She’s usually working at this time, flirting with customers and taking them home when her shift ends.

The bar is crowded and loud. Lights are flashing, voices yelling, bodies moving. It’s out of her comfort zone. She’s been doing this for years and is still isn’t used to it. She sits on one of the stools where the drinks are served. A girl approaches her. Nesta never approaches anyone. She can’t see clearly in the light. The girl’s hair is brunette, though her roots are dark. Her brown skin illuminates in the flickering light.

“Hey”, she says “I’m Nora” Nora extends her hand to her. Nesta smirks in response, resting her elbow on the counter grasping her hand with the other.

“I’m Mila,” she says. No matter what she does, Nesta will never use her real name. Nora’s eyebrows raise. Nesta can see her lick tongue move as it pushes on her skin.

“Pretty name.”

They talk for around five minutes. It’s all small talk. They drink while they talk. Most of the things she responds with are lies anyways. Nora grasp’s her arm with her hand. “Wanna get out of here?” she asks. Her words are slurred, and Nesta has to restrain herself from flinching.

Something in her head tells her not to let anyone in her house though. Something is wrong, but she can’t put her mind on it. The idea of letting a stranger in her house sends goosebumps across her arms. Before, she’d never question it twice. Now that she thinks of it, doing this practically screams stranger danger. Especially with her past, this person could be anyone. Nesta slowly probes herself from the girl.

“I’ve gotta go”, she says. “Sorry, but there's something I need to do.” The girl doesn't seem to mind, either too drunk to care, or only looking for a one night stand. She nods, before introducing herself to someone else. Nesta feels her chest lighten, exiting the crowded bar to call an uber.

Whenever it’s quiet, she always reminisces.

2006, Small Town Velaris

Nesta wakes up and finds herself stranded. She has no idea where she is. She’s lying in a bed inside a mostly empty room. There’s only a few pieces of furniture, a stool and a drawer. It’s relatively small.  The last thing she remembers is being in a car with her sisters and parents. She hears voices outside of the room yelling.

“You expect me to leave-”

“Her father is-”

“She’s nine what would she-”

“So what if she’s young!”

“-s innocent so what if-”

She hears a loud smack. The silence after is deafening. The voices are quiet after, whispers. Afterwards, Nesta hears footsteps approaching. She scrunches her eyes shut, trying to pretend to be asleep. Nesta hears the door open and close. A hand lays on her forehead. As the person removes it, a calming voice talks. “Are you awake?” Nesta slowly looks at the person, opening only one eye, then another. She sees a woman with black hair and tan skin. Her cheeks are flushed and she has a small smile on her face.

The woman squats down so she’s the same height as the bed Nesta is laying on. “Hi,” the woman whispers, voice solemn and comforting. “My names Aurora,” she says. Nesta squishes her lips together. She’s confused and feels like crying. Nesta doesn’t cry though. She’s pretty sure her eyes water though, because Aurora strokes her hair and whispers, “It’s okay to cry.”

Nesta gasps and shakes her head. “Mommy says I’m not supposed to cry.” Aurora seems to be shocked silent. The silence makes Nesta become aware of everything that is happening. She slowly sits up. Once her feet are off the bed, Nesta quickly sprints to the door, opening it and running out. She has no idea where she’s going.

Suddenly, Nesta is hit with a hard impact, and falls down on her butt. She looks up and sees two boys. They’re both around the same height. They have the same dark hair too, except one is longer than the other. Nesta gets up and brushes off the dust on her leggings.

She notices it then. The leggings. She’s never worn pants before.

It’s also when she notices the juice smeared across one of the boy's shirts. It’s the long haired one’s. He drops the red cup to the ground and makes an angry noise. “That was my favorite shirt.”

Nesta feels sheepish as she whispers a quiet, “Sorry.”

The one with longer hair whispers to the other boy, obviously meaning for her to hear too. “She’s probably not even double digits.” The other boy is quiet, looking at the ground. He seems nervous and shy.

Nesta feels a sense of outrage course through her. She pouts, crossing her arms. “I’m almost ten. I’m nine and a half” The boy crosses his arms too.

“Well I’m ten and a half,” he says.

“Cassian,” Aurora scolds. “Play nice.” She puts a hand on Nesta’s shoulder and bends down. “I need to talk to…” She doesn’t continue.

Nesta turns towards her, and realizes she needs her name. “Nesta,” she says.

Aurora smiles, “That’s a wonderful name.”

Cassian still seems angry. “I think it’s stupid.” Aurora sighs and gets up. “Azriel”, she says to the other boy. He hadn’t talked the whole time, Nesta almost forgot he was there. “Make sure he stays out of trouble. And Cassian, please change your shirt.” The two (stupid) boys walk away. Once they’re from a far enough distance, Aurora looks back down at her. “I have to talk to you about something.”

2021 New York, Manhattan

Nesta walks into her apartment tired and half asleep. Once inside her apartment, she changes into more comfortable clothes, sweatpants and a grey t-shirt.

Nesta’s about to go to bed, until she hears the sound of glass shattering and liquid spilling. She freezes, thinking about the mug of wine she left out.  

No.

Nesta scrambles towards the kitchen and grabs a flashlight from a cabinet, flashing the light to the ground. The mug is shattered to pieces, and she can still see little droplets of wine. The words aren’t visible anymore, letters broken and unreadable.

There’s no way it could’ve fallen on its own. It was in the middle of her counter. Unless...

Suddenly it all makes sense. The unrecognizable car in the parking lot. The uneasy feeling in her stomach. The constant nagging in her head, telling her that something is wrong.

She thinks about calling the police but goes against it. Years in a fucking biker gang taught her better then to trust those scumbags.

She always kept a gun in her house. Just in case. She really hates how no matter what she does. she’ll always be connected to this.

The person inside her apartment most definitely knows where she is. Nesta grabs a broom, sweeping the glass shards into an empty bag. She can fix it later. Tying it up, Nesta leaves it on her counter.

There's a wall blocking the entrance to her bathroom. She walks towards it, opening and closing the door so it seems she went inside. Grabbing her gun from the small drawer, Nesta lays her back against the wall, barely peeking out the wall, but just enough so she can see them as they crawl out from behind her couch.

The figure moves stealthily, back turned towards her. If she weren’t directly staring at it, there would be no way of knowing it was there. The moves look familiar, but she can’t put her mind on it. The moonlight shines on them so she can see the most obvious features. It’s not until the floor creaks the figure turns towards her direction. Nesta turns back to face her bathroom door, hands drawn to tight fists. There’s no way they hadn’t seen her. She moved too slow. Nesta peeks her head out to look again.

It’s not until she sees a familiar pair of scarred hands in the moonlight, it all comes together.

“Azriel Night?”

In dreams

I meet you in warm conversation

We both wake

In lonely beds

In different cities

And time

Is taking its sweet time erasing you

And you've got your demons

And darlin' they all look like me

PSA!! go to ask’s to be added to tag list

[libraryofnesta]

i read acosf in february and i still can’t believe or accept the fact that miss nesta archeron gave up her powers

[libraryofnesta]

you should block those tags!! ive had them blocked for a while and haven't seen one since

So fucking tired of seeing anti nesta/anti nessian post on the nessian tag, like how many more people do I gotta block?

[libraryofnesta]

Tied To Ruin

libraryofnesta

ao3 link

Summary:

Cassian and Nesta were lovers, partners in crime. They did everything together. That is until tragedy strikes, causing Nesta to run away, far from everything she once knew.

Over five years later, Nesta is living life to as full as it can get. It’s not until an incident occurs that drags her into far more than she bargained for.

Notes:

thanks so much for reading. i'm a huge hoe for exes to lovers, so i have like 20 ideas in my head, and this is one of them. It's multichapter. i'm not sure how long this is gonna be, but definitely over ten chapter. this fic has two timelines. One will show them from when they're kids to teens, and one while they're adults. Both will occur at the same time, so things will start to unravel as you read.btw! velaris is gonna be like a super small town in new york. like no one knows about it.

TW: implied domestic violence, nothing graphic.

[libraryofnesta]

You say Cassian and Nesta. I say Nesta and Cassian. We are not the same.

[libraryofnesta]

Book Characters/Ships As Taylor Swift Songs

NOTE: I have not finished a few of these series yet, so please no spoilers

Jude Duarte

The Archer

All the king’s horses, all the king’s men Couldn’t put me together again ‘Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto youI’ve been the archer I’ve been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?

Nesta Archeron 

Right Where You Left Me

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it She’s still 23 inside her fantasy How it was supposed to be Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Break-ups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it She’s still 23 inside her fantasy

Inej Ghafa

Mirrorball

And they called off the circus Burned the disco down When they sent home the horses And the rodeo clowns I’m still on that tightrope I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me I’m still a believer but I don’t know why I’ve never been a natural All I do is try, try, try I’m still on that trapeze I’m still trying everything To keep you looking at me

Percy Jackson

Hoax

You know I left a part of me back in New York You knew the hero died so what’s the movie for? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart You knew the password so I let you in the door You knew you won so what’s the point of keeping score? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart But what you did was just as dark (Ah, ah, ah) Darling, this was just as hard As when they pulled me apart

Evelyn Hugo

The Lucky One

New to town with a made up name In the angel’s city, chasing fortune and fame And the camera flashes make it look like a dream You had it figured out since you were in school Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool So overnight, you look like a sixties queen

Now, it’s big black cars and Riviera views And your lover in the foyer doesn’t even know you And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page And they tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused 'Cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used And all the young things line up to take your place

Helnik

I Know Places

Just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it My love They are the hunters, we are the foxes And we runBaby, I know places we won’t be found and They’ll be chasing their tails trying to track us down 'Cause I, I, I, I know places we can hide I know places

Kanej

Cowboy Like Me

I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve Takes one to know one You’re a cowboy like me Never wanted love Just a fancy car Now I’m waiting by the phone Like I’m sitting in an airport bar You had some tricks up your sleeve Takes one to know one

Blackstairs

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason Oh, twenty-five years old Oh, how were you to know, and My, my love had been frozen Deep blue, but you painted me golden Oh, and you held me close Oh, how was I to know that

—

I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche? And say, say that we got it I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted Oh, 'cause it’s gravity Oh, keeping you with me

[libraryofnesta]

Book Characters/Ships As Taylor Swift Songs

NOTE: I have not finished a few of these series yet, so please no spoilers

Jude Duarte

The Archer

All the king's horses, all the king's men Couldn't put me together again 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto youI've been the archer I've been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?

Nesta Archeron 

Right Where You Left Me

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it She's still 23 inside her fantasy How it was supposed to be Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it She's still 23 inside her fantasy

Inej Ghafa

Mirrorball

And they called off the circus Burned the disco down When they sent home the horses And the rodeo clowns I'm still on that tightrope I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me I'm still a believer but I don't know why I've never been a natural All I do is try, try, try I'm still on that trapeze I'm still trying everything To keep you looking at me

Percy Jackson

Hoax

You know I left a part of me back in New York You knew the hero died so what's the movie for? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart You knew the password so I let you in the door You knew you won so what's the point of keeping score? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart But what you did was just as dark (Ah, ah, ah) Darling, this was just as hard As when they pulled me apart

Evelyn Hugo

The Lucky One

New to town with a made up name In the angel's city, chasing fortune and fame And the camera flashes make it look like a dream You had it figured out since you were in school Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool So overnight, you look like a sixties queen

Now, it’s big black cars and Riviera views And your lover in the foyer doesn’t even know you And your secrets end up splashed on the news front page And they tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused 'Cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used And all the young things line up to take your place

Helnik

I Know Places

Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it My love They are the hunters, we are the foxes And we runBaby, I know places we won't be found and They'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down 'Cause I, I, I, I know places we can hide I know places

Kanej

Cowboy Like Me

I've got some tricks up my sleeve Takes one to know one You're a cowboy like me Never wanted love Just a fancy car Now I'm waiting by the phone Like I'm sitting in an airport bar You had some tricks up your sleeve Takes one to know one

Blackstairs

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason Oh, twenty-five years old Oh, how were you to know, and My, my love had been frozen Deep blue, but you painted me golden Oh, and you held me close Oh, how was I to know that

---

I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche? And say, say that we got it I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted Oh, 'cause it's gravity Oh, keeping you with me

[libraryofnesta]

yeah yeah acosf nessian is cool i guess, but acowar nessian>>>>

[libraryofnesta]

We're a few days away from Valkyries week but here is an early treat! Look for some Easter eggs👀

My commission by hanna.digiart

Emerie, Nesta, and Gwyn, out and about!

[libraryofnesta]

Fan Fiction Masterlist

ao3 linked here

last update: 09/3/21

Nessian

multichapter

Tied to Ruin

ao3 link

oneshots:

i don’t forgive you, (but please don’t hold me to it) 

ao3 link

wip teasers:

I Had The Time Of My Life Fighting Dragons With You: #1

‘tis the damn season: #1

[libraryofnesta]

NESSIAN FIC WRITERS

Part 1 of this list

@acciowests - Masterlist

@alltheworldsinmyhead - Masterlist

@arinbelle - Masterlist

@azrielswingspans - Masterlist

@batboyazriel - Masterlist

@bookstantrash - Masterlist

@darklove9314-blog - Masterlist

@darkshadowqueensrule - Masterlist

@darlinminds - Masterlist

@dessertofsnowflakes - Masterlist

@easkyrah - Masterlist

@emilia3546 - Masterlist

@harmonyindark245 - Masterlist

@helion-ism - Masterlist

@iammissstark - Masterlist

@imwritingthesewords - Masterlist

@jainadurron - Masterlist

@leighmiller - Masterlist

@libraryofnesta - Masterlist

@letstakethedawn - Masterlist

@moe8 - Masterlist

@moodymelanist - Masterlist

@nehemikkele - Masterlist

@newlyfaenesta - Masterlist

@readingonpluto - Masterlist

@redisriding - Masterlist

@satruns - Masterlist

@ships-and-saints - Masterlist

@silent-scythe - Masterlist

@simpingfornestaarcheron - Masterlist

@smallerinfinities - Masterlist

@starborn-illyrian - Masterlist

@starbornvalkyrie - Masterlist

@starseternalnighttriumphant - Masterlist

@terrible-and-proud - Masterlist

@theoceanfaewriter - Masterlist

@thesurielships - Masterlist

@tragically-broken - Masterlist

Due to all the glitches, I decided to split this into 2 posts :) hope this helps!

[libraryofnesta]

i don’t forgive you (but please don’t hold me to it)

Summary:

Nesta feels a sense of heartbreak when thinking of her father

Inspired by the song Kyoto by Phoebe Bridgers

Notes:

tw!!! This work does mentioned what happened with Tomas in the forest, so please be prepared for that when reading.

read on ao3 here!

I'm gonna kill you

If you don't beat me to it

Dreaming through Tokyo skies

I wanted to see the world

Then I flew over the ocean

And I changed my mind (Ooh)

Nesta feels a sense of heartbreak when thinking of her father. The look on her fathers face while he died stays imprinted in her mind. It’s not the only cause of heartbreak though. It’s been five years since his death and a part of her is still grieving. The other part of her is tired of it.

Her relationship with her father is over, yet everything feels unresolved. Nesta had never talked to him the way she wanted to. She’s mated, and finally allowed herself to relax for once. All that Hybren has induced to her has calmed down. It never fully disappeared though.

Nesta is aware she is at fault for many of their childhood disputes. She’s no saint. She shouldn’t have depended on Feyre to provide for them. But they shouldn’t have had to depend on each other for so much at so young. He was their father for god's sake. He was supposed to be there for them.

Nesta remembers starving herself in hopes of putting him back on his feet. God, she was so angry. She felt hurt and betrayed at him for not doing anything. Soon that bitterness had gone to everyone she knew. It had surrounded her.

Anger because he wouldn’t get up. Not even for his own children. She was a child too. They were children who lost their mother.

Nesta just can’t understand how she became the monster, and not him.

A part of her really hates him. The other part of her hates the fact that there is no one there to hate. It would be so much easier if he was here. Alive and well. Nesta could hate him guilt-free. But she can’t. Because he’s not here to hate. Now she has to grieve while hating him too.

It’s been so long since Nesta has fully felt at peace. The thought is always in the back of her head. She still hasn’t fully accepted becoming fae. She feels inhuman sometimes. The body doesn’t feel right. Her pointed ears are a constant reminder. Some days she’ll love it, while other days, she hates it.

Tomas Madray is not a constant thought in her life. It’s been years since Nesta has seen him, and she has never been more glad. She hates the man more than she hates anyone. At the same time, she’s terrified of him. The idea of ever seeing him again sends goosebumps across her arms.

He’s taught her what a man with power can really do to you.

Maybe it’s a part of the reason why Nesta used to be so resistant to getting close to the fae world. There are so many men ruling. Men with so much power it terrifies her with what they could do.

Nesta never told anyone what he did to her. She’d brushed it aside as if it was nothing. Sometimes when in bed, her mind flashes back to that moment. Cassian is always able to tell when she wants to stop. He never questions it. He never asks for the name of who did either, knowing she’ll never give it to him.

Nesta wonders what her mother would think of Tomas. Would she be horrified? Disgusted that a man with that amount of money would do that. Or will she be disgusted at her. For breaking up with someone who could grant her so much fortune.

Her mother couldn't seem to care about them, as long as they brought wealth to their hands. Nesta wanted her mother. She didn’t want to become a puppet to be toyed with.

I did it for you , she thinks. Nesta’s mother wanted her to wed for conquest and to be an obedient daughter, she tried to. She was her mothers creature. Someone to be dictated. Doing everything she wanted to. Accomplishing what others wanted for her.

It’s easier to forgive her father than her mother.

25 felt like flying

Nesta zones back into time.

She has no idea where she is. It’s too dark to wander around, and she’s too far away to talk to anyone. The idea of yelling already makes her voice feel horse. She’s surrounded by trees. The last place she remembers being at was the House, and Nesta has no idea how long it’s been yet.

Instead she releases the fists her hands are in and looks up at the sky. It’s a full moon today. A light smile grazes her lips. The sky’s never looked more beautiful. Nesta’s unaware of her surroundings, so it takes a while for her to hear the voice.

“Nesta! Are you here? Nesta!” It’s coming from behind her. Nesta turns around and sees a familiar figure approaching.

“Cassian?”

His pace gets faster, and once approaching he pulls her into a bone crushing hug. They stand there for a few seconds, one hand on her waist, the other stroking her hair.

“I was just walking around,” she says, voice muffled by his chest. He lets her go, searching for any injuries.

Cassian lets out a sigh, seeming more calm. He puts his hands on her shoulders, pulling her closer to lay a light kiss on her forehead.

“Just let me know next time.”

Hand in hand, they walk back to the House.

For so long she acted like she was okay with him doing nothing. He was her father, and in the end he told her he loved her. So Nesta pretended to forgive him. To act like she was, it was okay that he didn’t try. During her time at the house of wind all she felt for him was guilt

It would be so much easier if her father hated her. But he loves her, and she has to live with that. She loves him too.

He’s her father. Of course she loves him. She can’t not love him, and she won’t act like it.

But she won’t pretend to forgive him. Not anymore.

I don't forgive you

But please don't hold me to it

Born under Scorpio skies

I wanted to see the world

Through your eyes until it happened

Then I changed my mind

let me know if you wanna be added to future taglists

[libraryofnesta]

thinking about the fact that kyoto by phoebe bridgers is kaz and jordie.

I don't forgive you But please don't hold me to it Born under Scorpio skies I wanted to see the world Through your eyes until it happened Then I changed my mind

Guess I lied I'm a liar Who lies 'Cause I'm a liar

*insert uncontrollable sobbing*

[libraryofnesta]

you cannot tell me renegade by big red machine ft taylor swift is not nessian pre-acosf.

“Is it insensitive for me to say, get your shit together? So I can love you Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything? Or do you just not want to?”

“You fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself But do you know you're demolishing me? And then you squeeze my hand as I'm about to leave“

taylor swift x nessian = emotional wreckage

[libraryofnesta]

I Had the Time of My Life Fight Dragons with You

WIP

It’s stupid and impulsive, but at this point she can’t really seem to care anymore.

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The one where Nesta, Gwyn, Azriel, Cassian, and Emerie start a band.

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I'm so excited to start this. This mostly surrounds Nesta. She deals a lot with mental health issues and things like that. Theres established Gwynriel, also. This takes place throughout many years, from when they first start the band, to when they start getting big. This is probably gonna be a long-term thing and is gonna take a while to write. Hope you enjoy! This isn’t a texting fic btw it just starts like that.

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Nesta: GUYSS!!!!

Azriel: yes?

Nesta: nevermind

Cassian: what? did you just…

Emerie: nesta?

Nesta: yes?

Emerie: you wanna, you know… continue

Nesta: i will once gwyn and az shut the fuck up

Gwyn: ????

Nesta: the walls aren’t as thick as you think

Cassian: in school grounds too?

Emerie: scandalous

Azriel: sorry ;)

Cassian: he’s not sorry

Nesta: anyways this might is stupid and really impulsive this might be my worst idea yet

Cassian: dang this must be really bad

Nesta: shut it naletto like i was saying what if we yk started a band?

Gwyn: i mean i don’t see why not

[libraryofnesta]

[libraryofnesta]

‘tis the damn season

I was thinking of posting this. I’m not finished with it yet but I wanted to see how many people would be interested.

based off ‘tis the damn season by taylor swift, of course.

The first time she sees him again it's during Christmas break. Nesta tries to not think about him. It’s inevitable she’ll end up seeing him, since her sister and his so-called brother are dating. It just doesn’t feel right in these circumstances. She remembers their break-up just like it was yesterday. 

They were graduating. While Nesta was moving to New York to go to NYU, Cassian was staying in their hometown. They had a huge fight about god knows what. But before she could yell at him to leave, he had slammed the door to her house. And instead of answering his call, she let it go to voicemail. No matter how hard she tries, it seems Nesta still can’t get the look on his face out of her head as he watched her leave without much of a goodbye.