lilgayducky

[lilgayducky]

tw sh

Long have I suffocated

Trapped inside a body not made for me

With eyes that do not let me out

And a mouth that fails to set me free

The body which I inhabit does not fit me

It is too small

Too weak

Too timid

I seep out in the dark

I’m escaping through cracks

Her fingers run a sharp needle across her thighs

Releasing me little by little

I long to be set free

I don’t need a body

I am a soul in need of escape

But little does she know that as I escape her body

She begins to shrink as well

A body without a soul is meaningless

A body without a soul is not a person

If I make my escape what will become of my old body?

She will disappear

And so will I

[lilgayducky]

One more day

My alarm snoozes for a fourth time and I drag myself out of bed

I don’t want to get up

I don’t want to live another day like this

But I pull my heavy limbs into my uniform

Adjusting the tags so they don’t itch my skin

One more day

I carry a weight on my shoulders, heavier than my schoolbag

My sore limbs struggle to make my breakfast

Pack my lunchbox

Maybe eating food will give me enough energy

To survive another day

One more day

I leave as soon as my school bag is packed and my shoes are buckled

Desperate to get out of the house

Desperate to let go of my mask

But it never truly disappears as I bike to school

My tears dry up as soon as I reach the school gate

One more day

The empty office stands lonely next to my tree stump

Reminding me of what I lost

Reminding me that I am alone now

Tears drip from my eyes as I long to hear the question

“What’s up Miller?”

One more day

The bell rings, echoing throughout my mind long after its finished

I can’t shut my brain up

I can’t stop the noise

My blank stare unnoticed by my peers and teachers

I guess it’s my new normal

One more day

I hold back my screams as I travel overfilled pathways

Tears burn at my eyeballs

Sobs grasp at my throat

But I stay silent as I walk from class to class

And my frown goes again unnoticed

One more day

My body joins my friends at our usual lunch spot

But I’m not really there

I’m lost somewhere else

My body watches them play card games

I don’t join in

One more day

I am too far gone by the time I get home and greet my family

“How was your day”

“It was good”

It’s not really a question anymore

Just an obligatory call and response 

One more day

I shut my door and climb into bed as soon as I can get away

But I don’t snuggle down

I don’t go to sleep

Instead I cry endless tears as I fall apart alone

One more day

My alarm snoozes for a fifth time and I drag myself out of bed

I don’t want to get up

I don’t want to live another day like this

But I pull my heavy limbs into my uniform

Because what else am I supposed to do?

[lilgayducky]

Diary of a young girl (Anne Frank)

The cat I never named

Animal farm

@remanence-of-love @soyolophie @c-poetjoycciwi @suicivekla

If you see this you’re legally obligated to reblog and tag with the book you’re currently reading

[lilgayducky]

The other day I read a quote that explained

We are not a body with a soul

Instead we are the soul

And we have a body

So when I tell you I'm dying

But my body looks perfectly fine

What I actually mean

Is that my although my heart keeps beating

And I keep on smiling

My soul, my person, the real me

Is dying

Not in theory

Not by some metaphor

Not figuratively

My body is here

Yet I am no longer in the room

You are talking to a ghost

I am a ghost

I am dying

[lilgayducky]

I used to think

That feeling everything

Was the thing that would kill me

But now I feel numb

And somehow that is so much worse

[lilgayducky]

It began with a scratch

I didn't mean to make it bleed

But as I rubbed my skin against the ground

I felt more and more in need

Of a way to express the pain inside

In a way others would understand

All I wanted was for someone

To hold my shaking hand

I was only six, I didnt know

That what I did was wrong

I just felt like no one noticed

I just felt so alone

The second time I hurt myself

I was only nine or ten

I needed a way for other people

To visably see my pain

The golden child at home

I never let my parents see

When I felt sad, alone or angry

"Little Miss Positive" that's me

Instead I hid behind my bedroom door

And banged books against my knee

Bruises formed yet no one asked

What help they could give me

One day when I was twelve,

Unnoticed and alone

I rubbed and rubbed my skin

Then hid it so no one would know

When asked I told my teachers I'd tripped

And scraped my shin against the floor

Little did my parents know

I'd done it myself within their doors

As it healed I picked the scabs

But no one seemed to care

When blood dripped from my sore scar

I might as well have disappeared

The last time I willingly attacked my skin

I came at it with a blade

I was thirteen, hurting, lonely

But it made me so afraid

A scar against my perfect skin

I hid it with deep shame

For I finally understood that what I did

Had a technical name

Self harm the articles read online

As blue light kept me up too late

I saw it scarred on my friend's skin

What could have been my fate

Now I still am hurting

I still often feel alone

Though through my art and poetry

I'm starting to find my home

A way to express the pain inside

Without causing a scar

I never meant to damage my skin

Never meant to fall so far

But even though now I can cope

In a healthier way

I still don't understand

Why I still feel so much shame

[lilgayducky]

Some writing I've done recently for one of my WIPs (TW suicide mentioned)

The words are in my head and I have to get them out. They spill out of me in waves, waterfalls, vomit. I write, my pen scratching my diary until it runs out of ink. Then I pick up another pen, a pencil, whatever I have and keep writing. I write in felts, crayons, a multitude of colours. I write until calluses form on my fingers and hands. I write until the paper rips and I run out of notebooks. Then I buy more, writing until my fingers bleed with exhaustion. I have to get it out. I have to let it all out.

My emotions are holding me tightly today. I can’t seem to breathe properly, it’s like they are trying to hug me and protect me, but it doesn't help. I’m struggling to breathe.

The demons came again last night, in my dreams. They attacked me again and I imagined what it would feel like to die. To let everything go. I seem to think about death a lot. Should I be worried? Its not as if I’m suicidal, just curious. I wonder what awaits me in the afterlife, is it better there?

My teacher read us a quote from a book yesterday. I can’t remember the exact words but it was about how humans crave newness so much we constantly destroy everything we love just for the thrill of something new. Am I damaging myself with these words? The skin on my hands are thick, but they tear open again releasing blood every time I write. Should I stop?

I don’t know what's wrong with me, but something must be. I’m scared.

[lilgayducky]

WIP sculpture based off my poem - Emotions

It starts with a small stream

A trickle of doubt

Pebbles of envy

Goldfish of guilt

Anxious goosebumps creep up my arms

Forming rocks of frustration

A waterfall of humiliation transforms

Into a river of rejection

Lonely birds join the party

Their movement causing waves of misery

My stomach churns

A whirlpool of emotions

An ocean of overwhelm

My lifeboat of familiarity

Tips

I am drowning.

[lilgayducky]

Made a ladder in my friends art classroom at lunch while working on my sculpture - stuck a haiku on it - magneted it to the whiteboard. Teacher doesn't know it was me :)

(my friends said he liked it though, he read it during their next class - not out loud but to himself)

[lilgayducky]

And all those things I didn't say

Were wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

[lilgayducky]

“No, I’m not ok. But I haven’t been ok since I was 11, maybe 12. I am still here though. I’m still breathing. For me, sometimes, that will have to be enough.”

— Clementine von Radics

[lilgayducky]

Take me back to a time when

Not being able to sleep meant

Christmas was tomorrow

And fights with friends

We're resolved in two minutes

Siblings were just extra play mates

And cooking dinner was a privilege

When I didn't cry myself to sleep every night

When I believed in Santa

When I never had to overthink everything I say

When I didn't have to protect my siblings

When cooking wasn't a chore

When I didn't have to be strong

Take me back

[lilgayducky]

[lilgayducky]

To everyone who told me not to cry

My sad heart pumps icy blood through my veins

As I walk around smile on my face

Red ice making my muscles tense in pain

All I want is a little bit of space

My lungs collapse as I desperate to breathe

Deny the feelings that I try to hide

But even smiles cannot make them leave

My face a mask to what I feel inside

I tried to be the perfect girl for you

But in the process killed the girl I am

I always cowered underneath your shoe

My emotions pushed back behind a dam

But that perfect girl you once knew is gone

I'm gonna try to be me from now on

[lilgayducky]

HOW?

You ask me to explain, but to that I reply, ‘how?’

How can I explain to you the chaos

That swirls in my mind every day and every night

Hamilton lyrics shake hands with overwhelm

And stressed birds make nests out of forgotten ‘to dos’

Guilt pitter patters like rain, combining with bad habits

Dry skin and uneven nails set off sensory alarms in my mind

Bad sounds turn to bad tastes and bad textures turn to overstimulation

Words spill from my mouth in waves

Anger and sadness pouring into sentences, essays, poetry

I talk and talk until my throat is raw and I no longer have listeners

Then I keep going alone, my words turning to sobs as tsunamis of emotion

Bursts out of my eyes, soaking my cheeks, my sheets, my clothes

My bedroom a terrarium, no sooner have my emotions been let go

They soak back inside again

Fresh, raw, aching.

Yet you ask me to explain? And to that I reply how

How can I when words cannot compensate for emotion

No sentence, no metaphor will ever be able to capture

The feelings that plague me day and night

The repetitive thoughts that refuse to leave me alone

My brain will never be quiet, I will never be quiet

I will talk forever and still my emotions

Will hold the highest power.

Unstoppable.

How?

[lilgayducky]

I spent the week blinking back tears

I spent the week hiding from fears

I spent the week crying to sleep every night

I spent the week not quite feeling alright

[lilgayducky]

I cried again last night

Tears providing a vessal for emotion

Running down my cheeks

Soaking my pillow

My toys

I cried again last night

Let everything out of my system

But this morning I awoke to sadness

Wrapped in my sheets

My blankets

I cried again last night

And yet the release was short

The emotions crept back inside

Fresh and new

Hurting.