linkman447

[linkman447]

Nora: ah country singer

Ren: its better then what he was an hour ago

One hour earlier

Ren: jaune you in there buddy

Jaune dressed in a green suit with a question mark topped cane: riddle me this renman

Nora: darn it he’s being one of those weirdos from Jessica’s world

Ren: I’ll get his medicine

Now

Ren: this was a whole lot more tame than that.

Nora: I’m still trying to figure out his riddles. He told us there are bombs!!!

Ruby looks at riddle: Nora! This just says the actual location. No riddle what so ever. And those aren’t bombs it’s fruit with sad faces painted on them

Nora:…. Yeah that’s what he wants you to think

Phase

Ruby: Have you seen Jaune?

Nora: Not for a little while.

Ren: He's going through another one of phases.

Ruby: Phases?

Ren: He sort of had an identity crisis after being the Rusted Knight for decades and then coming back to Remnant.

Ruby: Oh... So, did he have like a goth phase or-

Jaune: *Rides in on Juniper wearing a while Nudie suit and cowboy hat* Like a rhinestone cowboy~. Riding out on a horse in a star spangled rodeo~.

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Jaune: yes silver, which is neither iron nor fire

God of light pinches the bridge of his nose: I feel as though your missing my point

Jaune: Let the record show that I never fled neither from iron nor fire.

God of Light: You ran screaming from the silver eyed girl's love for you.

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Ol’ beacon days

7 year old jaune: dad what was your time at beacon like

Nicolas arc: well my boy

Flash back

Nick: qrow you ass

Tai: yeah qrow

Qrow: meh we had fun

Nick: me and tai crashed a party full of lonely middle aged women

Tai: if juniper or raven found out

Nick: they were so horny I think I have like *looks at writing all over his body* 75 scroll numbers written on me

Tai: ha I got 76

Qrow: well I got kicked in the nuts by at least 8 of them then thrown in a crate by security and almost shipped to vacuo

Nick: and that’ll still be to good of you

Tai: I was almost molested by a woman in her mid forties

Nick: they almost pulled down my pants, on the plus side I got enough Lien for food for the next week

Tai: yeah me too

Qrow: lucky ass blonds

Flashback end

Nicolas arc: and that son is how my time in beacon was

Jaune: uhhhhh

Nick: what? *turns around* oh hey baby how are you

Juniper: jaune sweetie can you go find you older sisters for me

Jaune: yes ma’am

Juniper: so you did what in beacon?

Nick: honey it was like 15 years ago and it was qrow’s fault

Juniper: 😡

Nick: gods damn it Qrow !!!!

Outside on a branch sat an unassuming crow

Qrow: yes feel my agony

[linkman447]

In combat class

Glynda: today we will be doing team bouts. Team nprr vs jwby

Both teams: …

Ruby: we’re going to kick your butts

One battle later

Yang: holy cow we beat them

Weiss: of course *internally: we did it I can’t. We’ve never beaten Pyrrha just how*

Blake: how did you know how to lead us jaune

Jaune: what I helped Ruby come up with most of your team attacks, that and I know my team

Ruby: cheater

Yang: says the sore loser, now maybe I’ll take my prize *looks at the blond dork*

Ruby/pyrrha:😱

Jaune: So you want to join my team?

Ruby: Yep.

Jaune: Are you even allowed to do that?

Ruby: Professor Ozpin already said yes.

Jaune: Huh, well welcome aboard.

Pyrrha: Are we just collecting redheads?

Ren: ...I'm never going to get my reading done.

Nora: J-N-P-Double R! Team JNPRR Forever!

------

Goodwitch: Why in the world would you transfer Ruby Rose to team JNPR?

Ozpin: It seemed funny. *Sips coffee*

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Blake pushes them away: please tell me more

Jaune: *swinging his sword two-handed, his ass twice the size as vol 1*

Pyrrha: Ha! You all THOUGHT my lower-body training was just because I was thirsty for my partner’s Arc booty, but in reality all that cake gives him the strength to wield a sword with ease! 😉

Pyrrha: That’s right! My boyfriend gets to have all that functional cake and I get to eat it! 😁

Weiss: Literally none of us thought any of that!

Nora: I asked you to stop talking about it twice now! 🫸😫🫷

[linkman447]

All in an uncles days work 3

Ozpin: how to spin this to the staff? No, who will I spin this to the council?

Alex: I’m back *he had returned with a shadowy figure*

Ozpin: is-is that the thief? Why can’t I see her?

Alex: well first we have to finalize our agreement

Ozpin: ok how do we do this?

Alex: first I’ll need the 3 aspects of a person

Ozpin: and they are?

Alex: one, the body. Two, the mind. Lastly three, the soul.

Ozpin: and how do I give you those

Alex: easy I need blood, for the body. Then a powerful memory, For the mind. And finally, an object close to the person. Oh and I’ll need it from you and Amber

Ozpin: ok this ill be back

Later

Ozpin: so the thief, is this cinder fall

Alex: yeah she’s a right bitch but it’s whatever now on to more important matters *snaps his fingers and the fall maiden’s power flow back into Amber* now I’ve held up my end now it’s your turn

Ozpin sighs: yes starting Monday I shall announce our newest member to the beacon staff

Alex: this is going to be fun

Ozpin: I do have one question

Alex: shoot?

Ozpin: why go through all this trouble to work here?

Alex: well to tell you the truth, it’s all my sister’s fault.

Ozpin: what?

Alex: yeah she’s made me promise her that in order for letting me get jaune in to beacon I had to and I quote “make him give me an army of grandchildren”

Ozpin: that sounds like juniper briar or should I say arc

Alex: so now I need to apparently find him wives and yes i mean wives as in plural more than one

Ozpin taking the opportunity to make silver eyed arcs: May I suggest ms. Rose

Alex: nope she’s too young and I think she’s more In love with weapons. Now if summer, brothers rest her soul, was still around then maybe.

Ozpin: I see l. Well you start on Monday have a nice weekend Mr. Briar

Alex: you too ozma * he vanishes

Ozpin: he really scares me. *looks to a hidden alcove where a picture of him and Salem with their daughters resides* even more than you

[linkman447]

All in an uncles days work 2

Jaune: so…

Pyrrha: what I said was all true jaune, but… I couldn’t control my own words.

Jaune: yeah uncle Alex can do that something about “ancient words of power” or some such bs.

Nora: is your uncle magic

Jaune: no, he was very clear about that. He would always say “magic bah, over hyped, and bastardized form of what I got. Never touched the stuff, always comes at a price” no clue what he was talking about but honestly mom always said it’s best to just nod when her brother is talking

Alex: to true

Jnpr: akkkk

Jaune: uncle Alex don’t do that

Alex: sorry had to deal with an old friend and her *holds up jaune 4th sister Suzy arc*

Suzy: jaune I found you now let’s go home so I can spoil my little brother so much he’ll never leave

Alex: back to the manor with you *tosses her into a portal* now off to talk with ozpin. Oh and jaune!

Jaune: yes?

Alex: juniper wants multiple grandchildren

Jaune: MOM

Alex: bye

Jaune: well apparently mom is aware of us

Nora: I’m going to be the best aunt ever

Ren: you may need to fight his sisters for that

Elsewhere

Alex: so you got you weird sex dungeon huh

Ozpin pinches the bridge of his nose: Mr. Briar must you always be so crude

Alex: Oz I’ve been around longer than you I get to make my jokes

Ozpin: I highly doubt that Alex

Alex: Oz remember I can move around the infinite reality and time doesn’t work the same from one world to the next

Ozpin: regardless are plans are clear we either find the thief of the fall maidens power or we use another

Alex: yes, yes James soul machine.

Ozpin: I know you know who did it

Alex: yep

Ozpin: are you going to tell me?

Alex: nope

Ozpin: why, all your amazing abilities and you won’t help

Alex: you know why ozpin, I can’t get involved. The strings of fate would snap and the world would be flung into a worse outcome than what this world should face

Ozpin: but you could-

Alex: I’m not always here Oz. I would replace fate, she was very clear when I made her. If I do so it would be like lighting a beacon for the darkest of beings. Beings that I could handle but would deviate this world before I do so.

Ozpin: I- I understand

Alex: this I have my other methods 😁

Ozpin: WHAT!!!!

Alex: oh yeah make me a deal!!!

Ozpin: why am I not surprised what do you want Alex

Alex: Oz it’s not what I want. It’s what you are willing to give up. Either that or you’ll owe me a favor

Ozpin: your rules are outrageous Alex but I agree

Alex: great now here’s what I want and I’ll go fetch the false maiden *hands a peace of paper to ozpin and disappeared*

Ozpin reads the paper: … fuck

[linkman447]

Sienna: Mr. Arc your job is on the line here

Jaune: ….

Sienna: well?

Jaune: I’m thinking, on one hand *gestures at her* on the other I’m pretty sure you’ll brake me

Sienna: that’s part of the fun. Now sign it

Jaune: well my dad survived my mom so *signs*

Sienna: perfect now *grabs the blond* my office

Jaune being dragged off: ancestors give me strength.

Sign These Forms Please

Sienna: Jaune, I need you to sign these forms.

Jaune: Sure thing, Boss! I'll sign these right...?!

Jaune: Uhh... Sienna...?

Sienna: Yes?

Jaune: These... These aren't work forms... These are marriage forms...

Sienna: Yes, now hurry up, and sign them so we can get to the baby making~!

Jaune: Sienna, there are several things we need to discuss before... B-Baby making?

[linkman447]

All in an uncles days work

Jaune arc was walking with his team through the courtyards of beacon

Jaune: then my sister had that look in there eyes and I knew

Nora: run

Jaune: run, but alas *sigh* they caught me

NPR: oh no

Jaune: yep and for the rest of the week I had to deal with makeup and pig tails

Nora: really?

Jaune: yep

Pyrrha: *snickers* oh my *chuckles* I’m sorry

Jaune: at least until my uncle put a stop to it

Ren: your uncle?

Jaune: oh yeah uncle Alex was the best

???:JAUNE MILES ARC!!!!!!

Jaune: oh brothers no

???: you run away taking the family sword and leave your sisters alone

Jaune: Olivia how’s my oldest sister doing

Olivia: oh don’t you try to butter me up you ran away

Jaune: you would have stopped me

Olivia: damn straight I would now I’m going to be talking you back with me and you’ll never le-

She passes out and is caught by another person

???: hey little guy… well I guess I need to call you big guy!

Jaune: uncle Alex

Jaune runs to hug his uncle

Alex: one second jaune *snaps fingers and a portal opens and he then tosses Olivia into it*

He turns to see his nephew and friends

Alex: so this your team?

Jaune: yep, my partner Pyrrha Nikos, and my two other teammates lie ren and Nora Valkyrie

Pyrrha: nice to meet you

Nora: you don’t look like a cool uncle more like a weirdo

Ren: Nora be nice, it’s good to meet you jaune speaks highly of you

Alex: well Mr. Ren your partner isn’t wrong I am a weirdo

Nora: see ren

Alex: so ms. Nikos you like my nephew right

Pyrrha: w-what n-no we’re just friends

Jaune: yeah uncle Alex she’s way out of my league

Alex: yeah no tell the truth

A wave of power emanated from the man

Pyrrha: I’m lying I love jaune he is my one and only ever since I met him and he make those feelings stronger every day

Jaune: wha- Pyrrha…

He hugs her

Alex: welp my job her is done *he turns and just disappears”

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Yang: oh yeah well bring it on lady. I love that blond dork and there’s nothing you or anyone else that can change my mind about it.

Mrs. Arc: I shall show you the error or your thoughts.

Yang rushed towards the matriarch. With red eyes and hair ablaze. Only to be stopped with a hand

Yang: how?

Mrs. Arc: they didn’t call me the black briar for nothing young lady now *increase’s the pressure on yangs own fist* you will learn just like your uncle did

Yang: I don’t care. I love your son, he’s everything for me. He has shown me that I’m not my mother and I can be loved

Mrs. Arc: so my son is a good boy any girl would feel the same

Yang: your point.

Mrs. Arc: you branwens are all the same. You see something valuable and you take it

Yang: I’m not my mother

Mrs. Arc: so you say. Now time for you to learn this lesson.

She was about to crush yang only to be stopped by another

???: sis must you always be a crazy person

Mrs. Arc: Alex leave this hussy is not good enough for my baby

Alex: really this coming from the woman who literally tried to make her son the harem king?

Mrs. Arc: he can still be but not with the spawn of Raven

Alex: hmmm what if I made a deal?

Mrs. Arc: I’m listening

Alex: yang you can be with jaune if you make two promises

Yang: what. What’s happening

Mrs. Arc: my brother’s semblance, if you make a deal with him it’s binding. You’ll be unable to brake it.

Yang: what are the promises

Alex: you must marry him by the time you both graduate from school or get your huntsman license, and two you must, and I can’t preface this enough, you must have at least 10 children with him

Yang: deal I promise

Alex: well there you go sis

Mrs. Arc: I can’t tell if your just brave or stupid but I see you really do love my son

Yang: sooo do I have to wait till after beacon or can we work on baby number one now?

Mrs. Arc:…

Alex: …

Mrs. Arc: I’ve changed my mind I like this girl

Jaune: Okay, I know it can be intimidating to meet other people's parents, and my mom in particular can be ... My mom ... But I do know that she has some Very Specific Ideas about the Kind of people worthy of being a part of our family, and I nay not know what those are, but I do hop- Know! I know that you'll pass her judgement!

~~~~~

Mama Arc: When I was raising Jaune, I made sure to make him the best, most loving partner anyone could ask for, while also making sure he understood boundaries and consent. Despite his Father's best efforts I believe I succeeded.

Mama Arc: In fact, I may have exceeded my goals for there are two types of people in this world.

Mama Arc: Those who think They're good enough for my Baby Boy, and those who know they Aren't.

Mama Arc: Where do you think you Fall on that scale?

(How does your OTP/OT3+ Respond?)

[linkman447]

Blake: … holy crap why… why didn’t I ever think of him

Yang: because you broke your own theory by hanging with sun

Blake:… you willing to share

Yang: maybe

Blake: I’ll sit on you face

Yang: deal

Blake: but first we have a big dicked nerd to concur

Later

Yang: pant pant he keeps going

Blake: *moan* tap oh gods me out *screams* yang

Yang: best night ever

Blake: “Big dick energy” is such a weird and misleading concept.

Yang: Oh?

Blake: Because everyone assumes the loud boisterous assholes are the ones with BDE

Blake: In my experience, the people who actually have big dicks are the quiet nerds.

Yang: …explain.

Blake: Like, if you’re being loud and obnoxious, your cock size is probably either average or slightly below average. No shame in that, but just my experience.

Blake: But if the person is soft spoken, and knows a little too much about Star Wars, they’re packing an absolute hog. Like, a total bitch breaker. The kind of sausage that splits you in half and makes you rethink your breakfast choices because it feels like he’s reaching so far inside you it’ll push it back up out the other end.

Yang: …

Yang: *dials phone* …Hey Jaune, up for dinner tonight?

[linkman447]

Yang: WHA-

Two ominous figures appear behind yang

Pyrrha with a strained smile: yang, a word please

Ruby with an equally strained smile: yes yang a word

She is dragged off kicking and screaming

Jaune: I’ve seen this before *having flashbacks to his sister* I don’t know what you did yang but I’ll pray for you

Pineapple

Yang: ...Are you eating a whole pineapple for lunch?

Jaune: Yep.

Yang: You like pineapple that much or something?

Jaune: I mean, I like pineapple fine enough I guess. It's alright.

Yang: Then why are you eating so much of it?

Jaune: Pyrrha and Ruby said it would help with my training.

Yang: ...

Jaune: Don't really know how, but I'm not going to second guess those two when it comes to training.

[linkman447]

Blake: yes excuse me, I’m off you see if jaune would like to join yang and me on a little outing *proceeds to walk out the door*

Weiss:… get back you thieving cat

Elsewhere

Jaune: hmmm I wonder what to do *shiver* why do I suddenly feel like pray

Yang who just got a very detailed text from her girlfriend: hey lover boy wanna join me and Blake for dinner

Jaune: you sure I wouldn’t want to interrupt your date

Yang: hehe jaune your cute…. I wasn’t asking

She hoisted him over her shoulder

Jaune: help an angry lady is kidnapping me

Yang: no me and Blake want a a good man in our relationship and you my handsome and genuine friend will be rocking a smoking blonde on one arm and a sexy cat girl on the other

Jaune: help I’m being invited into a loving relationship

Nora: quite bragging you jerk some of us aren’t as lucky *glaring at ren with great intensity*

Ren completely oblivious: have a good time jaune

Alabastards: Denials

Blake: So…why are you angry at Jaune again?

Weiss: I was in town and he suggested we have dinner together.

Blake: Okay.

Weiss: I said “Yeah, but only if you’re treating me.”

Blake: Sounds reasonable.

Weiss: He agreed, and found this lovely little sushi bar, lots of couples there, it’s amazing, we need to go sometime.

Blake: Noted.

Weiss: We were having a lovely time, and this random lady came up, asking if we wanted to have our picture taken.

Blake: Okay…

Weiss: We took a bunch of funny photos, pretending like we’re at prom, or being mugged, or whatever.

Blake: Uh huh.

Weiss: And the lady keeps asking us to scoot closer together. Closer. Closer. Closer. Because she thought we were a couple.

Blake: Understandable.

Weiss: Finally, she gives up and shows us the picture. She asks Jaune if he wants to buy it for 20$ “for his girlfriend here”, and that’s when he pissed me the fuck off.

-

Jaune: *physically recoils from Weiss*

Jaune: We’renotacouplebutthankyou!

-

Blake: …and?

Weiss: ?

Blake: …and????

Weiss: And what?

Blake: …is that it?

Weiss: I already told you what he did, what more do you want?

Blake: What more do I-You guys aren’t a couple, right???

Weiss: Absolutely not! I’d never date that miscreant!

Blake: …so why are you mad at him????

Weiss: He denied it too quickly!

Blake: …

Weiss: …

Blake: *sigh*

Blake: …thank you Weiss.

Weiss: ?

Blake: For reminding me why I’m bisexual, not gay.

Weiss: …

Weiss: …EXCUSE YOU-

[linkman447]

Saphron: hey guys

Adrian: *baby noises*

Blake: oh hey saph… and you brought the baby

Saph: yeah why

Yang: I’m legally obliged to inform you-

Blake: yang I read ninjas of love, she knows what I’m about

Blake: *answers scroll* Hello from Menagerie, where the beaches are fine and the bitches are finer. How can I help you today?

[linkman447]

Yang: 😡 I really wasn’t asking.

Jaune: *gulp* o-ok.

Yang: 😁 great now finish up so you can finish inside *walks away with swaying hips*

Jaune: I’m not going to be able to walking tomorrow

Jaune: Watch this *Absolutely begins killing it at Guitar Hero*

(Your ship): *Impressed* You wanna fuck after this?

Jaune: *Just paying attention to the game* I'm busy

[linkman447]

Jaune: but a in a strange twist of fate, my eldest sister found them in the attic, and now the world has Blake’s favorite book series. While her books are no where near as graphic it did give her the inspiration.

Rwby:…

Npr:…

Blake: wait your sister wrote ninjas of love.

Jaune: yep

Blake: … jaune your my boyfriend now and our first act as a couple is to see your sister immediately. (runs off with a very confused blond dork)

Pyrrha: Nora hold my crown I’m a stomp a cat.

Nora: oh yeah you get in there sister.

Ruby: and here i thought sharing family stories would be a good thing.

Weiss, with a family so toxic it should be used as a cautionary tale. And ren whose own past is, if not the same, but equally tragic.

Weiss/ren: no it really wouldn’t be

Yang: yeah sis I have to agree. I mean out of the 8 of us, I think lover boy and cereal girl are the only two from a loving background and I’m not too sure about p-money

Jaune: My grandpa and his many siblings once had a get-together to read their parents correspondence during the Great War.

Jaune: They expected their dad to write about how much he missed their mother whilst she was on the frontlines.

Jaune: They expected their mom to respond with the beautiful poetry she was known for, describing her love for him.

Jaune: What they read instead was of a level of raunchiness and filth that would make Ninjas of Love look like an amateur's scribbling.

Jaune: They decided not to read more after the first two letters.

[linkman447]

I can’t totally see cinder with a younger jaune just yelling dodge

Jaune in "Little black sheep" will absolutely NOT fight like canon Jaune.

Why? Cinder isn't a professional, BUT she knows what Jaune is already an expert at; Dancing. When in the zone, Jaune is incredibly nimble and has incredible reflex.

... It might also be because she really enjoys seeing him dance, but that's beside the point.

Jaune's going to fight using modified dancing moves. Instead of a tank build using a lot of armor, he's going to be a dodge build.

However, he is still horrible at attacking. But being able to dodge is probably the most important lesson, Mr. Piccolo would approve.