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[literarysophia]

to love

They say that true love exists, that there’s a person for everyone. When someone doubts that, or questions it, they are met with a frown. Why is that? Why is romantic love so sought out for? Is it really all the rage?

Love is built up since the moment we are born until the moment we die. We are assumed to know it and expected to accept it. But it’s not very often that love is taught. What does that mean? It means the types, what they look like, and how to walk away. 

It seems to me that I got myself into something I thought was good and while it’s not terrible, I can’t seem to get myself out. I feel foolish; that’s how it makes me feel. Especially when I have always been the one to talk a big game about what others should seek and know what they deserve. Is this somehow karma? I said all of these things and then found myself in situations where I would’ve told people to leave, to break up, to not accept it. It’s not even that I accept what’s going on. I am choosing to stay in it, for whatever reason.

I think it’s the fact that I invested so much into it, and into a person who I thought wouldn’t do me wrong at all, much less continuously. I didn’t know or think that I would end up in tears every so often each month, or that I’d feel at a loss in the relationship, or that I would be doing so much emotional labor on someone in college. I just assumed that since it was good in the beginning that it would stay that way. At least that there wouldn’t be as big of conflicts as has been presented.

Relationships are hard, but they should never be this hard.

Which makes me beg the question of: why me? Why and how is it happening to me and why can we not have more than a moment of peace? Why can they not see what I am seeing, how can they know how I feel and not do the absolute most to make sure I never feel that way again? Especially when it’s people close to them in their life, people we both know aren’t going away, and who don’t give a fuck about me, them, or us. How can they stay blindly? How can they stand idly by when they know?

I try to deflect and say that we’re young and so it really doesn’t have to be as deep as I make it out to be. Afterall, aren’t I control of my emotions? But then again, that’s not that type of person I am. Because if I see it as unimportant, not serious, or not deep, then aren’t I wasting my time with them? 

They don’t teach you these things. They don’t break down scenarios. And they certainly don’t tell you how much it’ll hurt, how you’ll get in your head, and how shitty it is when someone who knows you intimately screws you over, and over, and over again. 

They don’t tell you how to breakup.

So instead you stay stuck in what you’re in, waiting and hoping. Either for it to get better, for them to have the audacity to be the ones to break it off, or for someone or something to come along so it’ll be easier to let them go. 

I met someone who puts me first, who I don’t have to ask for to do things. You had your chance; I’m ending it and going to be with them.

But that’s not how this works. 

There’s a reason songs about heartbreak are so searing, even when you aren’t going through anything. Because love is so powerful, we know this. And when it’s damaged, disrespected, disregarded…we know its a criminal offense no matter what. It’s delicate, something to care for and hold close.

We know this. We feel this. No matter who we are. 

We can only say so much about what we’d do in a situation or how we’d react. It seems easy, something so simple.

Until you’re actually in the situation.

Growing pains is what they call it. Heartbreak.

Even that seems like simple terms. It doesn’t even begin to show the heartwrenching, gutpunching, tears streaming, sobbing, unable to breathe parts that come with it.

Love is a bitch.

Romantically.

Let’s talk about it.

[literarysophia]

he said he didn’t want me to be alone in an unknown public place because he didn’t want to expose me to bad people but like sir, i was assaulted in my own home

[literarysophia]

i loved & i lost you

i met you when i least expected it. originally, you were just another person to me. i honestly had no feelings towards you since i didn’t know you. however, you kept popping around. of course i noticed you. it would be impossible not to. your gentle smile imprinted itself into my mind, and your kindness to all was not lost on me. i admire your passion, your drive, your morales. i did (and still do) find you attractive, but your values heightened my attraction towards you. you were my once in a lifetime. and when you left me, my world was shattered. i felt so lost. i was broken, crying, and grasping at the memory of you. to hear your voice one more time. to see you reading in your favorite chair in the living room again. to see you with your family. i loved seeing you set up the table for the family bonfire. others were going to help later, but you were determined to get it set up in time. you even wore an apron. you were watching your niece, and i noticed the loving glances you sent her way. that’s one of my favorite memories of you. i would give anything to be with you again. for more than just “one last time”. but it’s been 3 years since i last saw you. the number is small, but i’ve ached in the following years without you. i have felt this way before yes, but there’s a slight difference. with you, it was intense. i thought i knew what love was, until i met you. you completely flipped my world upside down. i don’t know what you’re up to, but i’d like to think you’re happy. that you’re at peace. i hope that a piece of me is with you, but i’ve accepted the hard truth for a while now. i know you don’t think of me. it wouldn’t make sense if you did. you may think of the idea of me and feel thankful, but you don’t think of me. knowing & accepting that doesn’t make it easier. it fucking hurts like hell. but i just love you so much. that love transcends time & space. it gave me a reason to smile, knowing the person i loved most in the world, loved everyone else just as hard as i loved them. it’s hard to keep this to myself, which is why i’m always writing to you. i have no other choice, because those close to me don’t understand. they never will. every time i think that i’ve moved on, you find a way back in. you remind me of everything i felt, what i adored, what i needed. you were my safety net. it’s why i can’t shake you. i was promised ‘always & forever’. foolishly, i went in knowing that despite that pretty saying, it wouldn’t last. i knew this, and i still chose to fall. i don’t regret any moment of it. you taught me so much. you gave me so much. what potentially hurts more than knowing you’ll never love me, is that i’ll never be able to tell you how much you’ve impacted me & my life. to be honest, a few amazing people will never know how they’ve altered my being. i’m sure you have a sense of the impact you’ve made, but you’ll never truly know the full extent. you’re my paperweight. in the worst and best ways possible. you are the love of my life. and i’ve always known a piece of you would always be with me, but i underestimated how big that piece would be.

[literarysophia]

you left me

I miss you. everyday. it's because of this that I go back to you. whether I actually see you or you're on my mind...it's not a terrible thing. you were never unkind to me, you never did anything wrong.

except leave me.

I knew you were going to leave, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less when you did.

I gave you my heart. my time. you taught me what safety, family, and love felt like. I let myself fall into you. I placed my world in you. and I'm still paying for it.

you were unexpected; like all great things in life. the reason I go back to you is that what I experienced is one of a kind. I cannot let you go.

sure, over the years I've gotten used to a new normal, a new routine without you. but every now and then you manage to sneak back into my mind, my life. I let you do this because I miss you terribly.

is this unhealthy? possibly. probably. but I cannot help but repeatedly get lost in you. you changed me, shaped me, opened my eyes to possibilities I never knew existed.

unfortunately, no one seems to understand. they never saw what I see in you, and if I told them how much I struggle with you leaving, they would write it off as being silly and young. they have no idea how deeply you've impacted me. how deeply you are imprinted on my body, soul, mind, heart - every part of my being. and neither do you.

you never will.

I don't even think I've impacted your life. or, if I have it's not as great as what you've done to mine. see, you've done this for other people. it wasn't just me. and while I am glad that you shared your stories, your journey with others, and connected, I just wish I stood out more.

I had to grieve you, and I still am. this kind of loss never goes away.

I just wanted to thank you for turning my world upside down and giving me a love that I never once thought was possible. one that I never even considered existed.

I love you.

infinitely.

always.

forever.

[literarysophia]

only if you knew

she grew up in a home with parents whose marriage was over before it even began. she grew up with two older siblings; a brother and a sister. her sister is the typical oldest - works hard, gets good grades, does extra-curriculares, praised by all. her brother is athletic, if he did things wrong or slacked, it went unnoticed or wasn't made a big deal of. her older siblings have more in common since they are closer in age. they are two years apart while she is six years apart from her sister and four apart from her brother. she does not have much in common with them and is often made fun of.

she grew up watching disney channel shows that had what she felt good romantic relationships. as she grew older, these relationships were found in freeform & cw shows, as well as real life couples. however, it started with novels, which she thinks has partially potentially ruined romance for her as she does not think there can be a love as good or better than the ones between the pages.

she had crushes all the way up until middle school, and none of them liked her back. three of her friends had "boyfriends" by the time they were in sixth grade, and they barely saw her because of it. her closest friend started her first real relationship in the eighth grade and it lasted until the middle of high school. the friends fought in the beginning, but that was because she was worried about losing her friend and couldn't adapt to someone else needing or wanting her friends' attention in a different way. eventually, that went away and she became friends with the boyfriend before the breakup. another one of her friends got into a relationship in high school, but most of her friends were in the same boat as her; never being crushed on or asked out.

it honestly is quite damaging. going through life as a hopeless romantic, knowing or idealizing what a relationship would look like. the only times a boy had paid her attention were creepy ones. the first one asked her many questions about guns in walmart, another one was at the mall, and the others had been from work who were sexually harassing her. the one boy she might have had a chance with ended up spending more time with her friend, and while they still talked, it wasn't the same. when the movie the D.U.F.F. came out, she wondered (and feared) that she was it. she asked a boy in her class if she was the D.U.F.F. and he said "yes" without hesitation. none of this has been encouraging. not to mention the time she asked her platonic classmate to dance, and he laughed in her face.

now, she doubts that romance will ever happen to her. she does not see it happening, and she thinks no one else can see it either; at least the people whose opinions she deeply cares for. when the song 'heather' came out, she'd never felt more seen or hurt. hurt that she would never be heather. she wondered what it would feel like to be desired. what it would feel like to not only have someone be interested in her in that way, but for them to feel that way mutually and start something.

in the past year (2021) she actually did manage to sleep with someone, keep in contact with them, hookup with them each month, and have them ask the "what are we" question. she'd never tell him, but she was relieved that he asked because she too was wondering but did not want to seem like "that girl" - even though that's total bullshit. she told few friends about him, and even then she didn't tell each person every detail. the boy and the girl established that they are dating, but she is still unsure of it. you see, he lives two hours away and after they established that they are dating, he stopped messaging her. they met up after, and she had the intention of taking him out to get ice cream since before he had said he wanted to 'go on dates and do cute things but you're always busy', but he got a phone call and left to help a friend. she completely understood, but he never said anything to her the following week. she had planned the get together, and she had even cried in front of him because her past trauma was triggered. he called her a week later after she texted him saying there were things she had wanted to talk about the last time they saw each other. she didn't get to talk to him about everything though, because over the phone was not the place to do so. since then, she has told the rest of her friends via a photo on her close friends of the two and it felt nice to have people freak out or be excited that she is seeing someone.

the thing is, she has doubts because of her past and how she's been treated. the boy isn't exactly helping either. he's told her twice that "of course i want to be in a relationship with you" and "yeah, i do" when she asked her on two separate occasions if he wanted them to be in a relationship/be a thing. when she revealed why she had gotten upset, he said he understood (even though he didn't really seem to 100% understand), and told her she was overreacting, overselling it, and making it weird about him not texting her. her friend had volunteered to make a trip with her this summer to go see him for a weekend. initially, she had been excited. she even came up with another friend to tag along and mentioned the plan to her. now? now she feels overwhelmed, panicked, and doesn't like that she's told anyone about him. some people she told because she genuinely wanted to, others were because she needed advice and they needed context because she felt it was pointless to beat around the bush. she highlighted some points for her mom so that she would stop being suspicious but she keeps asking questions. her mom and one of her friends have told her that he might not like her that much because of his lack of communication. that could be true, but A) unbeknownst to them, that adds on to her previous damage, B) they don't know how he acts when he's with her, and C) he always sees her whenever she tells him she's available. she just wishes it could still be hers. now that some people know or are involved, it's harder. she doesn't want other people in it (for example: going to see him) even though she does appreciate it. she doesn't want people to question her or make dents in something that she's not even 100% sure of yet. it's her first relationship and she doesn't even know if it's going to last the rest of the year and she's worried - no she's terrified - that it will end without closure. sure, that's how some relationships end, but this is her first one and she can't face other people with the truth if it goes south. she would feel embarrassed, dejected, and rejected. "of course it wouldn't last" she would think. she would feel like a fool for thinking she could actually have something like this, even though she secretly craves the feeling of being loved romantically, and being in love.

because of all those reasons and more, it might not be the right thing to get in a relationship at all, especially with him. but she's trying to stay afloat, trying to see what will happen, and just trying to keep it a thing because for once it might be in her reach. and it just might ruin or damage her further. but she figures, what else does she have to lose?

[literarysophia]

she

TW: mentions of sexual assault, harassment

When she was younger and slightly religious, she wanted a purity ring. She didn’t want it because she truly cared about the promise it meant to herself, her future lover, or the sky god. No, she wanted it because the stars she looked up to had one. She never got one though. As time went on and she no longer cared about religion and became more in tune with her own thoughts, she thought many different things about sex. She did read Wattpad, but that’s not where her toes were dipped in the sexual. Her earliest memory was from a YouTube Harry Potter fanfiction - Chat Rooms, if you will. There were also a few spicy scenes in the Auslly/Raura fanfiction. When she was in the fifth grade, she wrote some “steamy” scenes herself. In high school, that’s when it all came from Wattpad. She really dived into the 18+ stories. She’s proud of it for no reason, but she never read Wattpad fanfiction ever, meaning that the [18+] writing that she was reading was actually good quality. She found herself getting wet, but never acted on it. It was either Junior or Senior year, but she’s pretty sure it was Junior year, that she touched herself for the first time. It was after her shower, and she had felt dirty. She told herself she was never going to do it again. That was a lie though, because a few days later, she took a bath, tried again, and although she still felt weird about it, she felt good. Of course as time went on from there she would do it when she was in the mood and started really watching porn the summer after her senior year ended. Oftentimes she would get frustrated that her hands and fingers weren’t enough. I just want to know what it feels like to have a dick inside me. She thought. Also on her mind was getting a vibrator, but with her mother monitoring her charges and the likelihood of her mother or sister asking what’s in the package, it proved difficult to impossible. She spent a good amount of time thinking about how and when she’d “lose” her virginity. Most of her friends were still virgins in the sense of penis in vagina. As far as she knew they too were using their hands. She heard the stories of her classmates sexcapades and only three of her friends were sexually active. As slightly embarrassing as it was, her sexual content came from Wattpad, Choices, and Chapters. Let it be known that she does have some excellent recommendations in regards to her holy trinity. She had gotten somewhat used to being society’s definition of a virgin and was starting to accept that it would probably, maybe it would be a while until she got physical with someone else. I’d prefer it to be at a party while I’m a little drunk. Not drunk enough to where I don’t know what’s going on, but just enough to loosen my senses. She knew it might sound bad, and only one of her friends agreed that it made sense. I’d prefer it to be a one night stand. I just want to get it over with. I probably wouldn’t tell them I’m a virgin. Where also frequent thoughts that slipped into her mind. Her friends frowned upon it. Later, she felt she had this realization, this self-discovery. No, it can’t be with someone I don’t know or trust. I’m highly insecure about my body, so it would have to be with a boyfriend or something. The matter was settled. One turned two of her friends gave her all the details on their sex life which was pretty constant. Friend number one said she wanted to know when she finally did it, to which she replied with a no. Things with friend number one were a bit rocky in some areas, and while she loved her, she didn’t completely trust her. Friend number two is a far but close bond that had gotten closer in her first semester of college. They shared their porn preferences, their kinks, the gossip, pretty much undoubtedly everything. This was the bond with whom she would share the details of her first time.

As she approached 19, she did start to feel somewhat out of place with her virginity. Sure, she knew not everyone did it in high school, but 19 was a year closer to 20. How long would this drag on? She wondered. How many years would go by until she had to opportunity, the chance, someone to have sex with? Friend number one was getting highly annoying and she felt as though her friend was pressuring her to have sex. It’s not that hard. She said. Then why haven’t you done it? Her friend asked. This conversation made her want to shut out her friend. Her friend had been the root of her insecurities in high school. It’s not her friends fault, but with the way people reacted towards her, and the way she acted as if she was superior didn’t help. She didn’t have boys who were interested in her, like they were with her friend. Her experience with the opposite sex hadn’t been the greatest. She had been sexually assaulted when she was younger, the eyes she caught were those of sketchy guys who were also unattractive, and she was sexually harassed at her first job; not to mention that her first potential male relationship (whether it was going to be a friendship or more) was indirectly taken by friend number one. In the eighth grade, she danced with a senior (her former best friend's brother), which was a huge score and she thought he would say no. She was on a confidence streak and went to ask the boy who teased her since third grade. She didn’t have feelings for him, and she knew he didn’t have feelings for her either, but she thought they were starting to become friends this year. However, she was drastically wrong. When she went to ask him, he quite literally laughed in her face and told her to dance with his friend. She was embarrassed. Her face was heating up and she felt tears forming as she walked away. Her friend date danced the last slow dance with her, telling her that he was a jerk. She wanted to go home so badly, even though the night was almost over. The funny thing is, she wasn’t even going to stay the entire dance. She was going to leave early to watch the season finale of her favorite show. Her friends had scoffed when she told them her plan, but as the night progressed she was having fun, and decided against going home. She doesn’t regret much, but she definitely regrets not going home. She hated herself for even thinking that he’d say yes, and even more-so for almost becoming one of the girls who cried over boys [at school dances]. Her mom knew she was upset, but she didn’t want to talk about it. She surprised herself when she told her dad what had happened. The next day, she found a note he’d left her, telling her that the boy is stupid and probably was too nervous that someone as pretty as her had asked him. While she knew the boy's reasonings weren’t what her dad had written, she greatly appreciated the sentiment. When school rolled around, she acted as though nothing had happened and greeted him normally, just like she did any other day. She would not let it affect her. She would not blow it out of proportion.

She thought once she got to college things would be different. She made great friends easily, and they introduced her to new people they met at night. Most of them were male, and none of them were interested in her. Not even as she was dressed in her cute outfit that she had worn all day. She was back to square one. She was back to being surrounded by Heathers. It’s not a big deal. She thought. As much as she tried to shove down all the insecurities that had been dormant since she moved to college, they all bubbled up, and burst through like a Tsunami. What was it about her that wasn’t attractive? Why was it that only sketchy guys spoke to her? How had she become with friends with people who others deemed prettier than her? She loved her friends, and had no ill will against them, she just couldn’t believe it was happening again. What she didn’t expect to come out of all these emotions were thoughts of her sexual assault. Flashes of the event went across her mind as well as the time she had gotten her first flashback. It was when her former best friend’s brother (formal guy) was giving her a ride home. Once they buckled in he put his hand on her thigh for a quick moment and shook it. She quickly tensed. No, that’s silly. He wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t do anything like that. She thought. She doesn’t remember the other incident as clearly that brought her a flashback, or perhaps she doesn’t want to talk about it. To her content, she didn’t tense or face a flashback when at her former best friend’s sweet 16, he slapped her on the back of her leg. She whipped around, hugging him almost immediately. Back to the present, she walked herself back to her dorm, calling the one person who she knew understood.

In the following days she was dropped by her friends for a reason she’ll never know. It was hard at first, but she learned to cope with it. On the eve of Halloween, she decided to go back home early for the holidays, and decided in December to stay home for the second semester. Her mind would drift to potentially getting Tinder. A few questions answered, a few swipes, it’s easy. It’s easier said than done though. She was nervous and maybe even a little scared. The first week of January, she was with two of her friends and went for it. She hardly looked at it for a while. To her shock, she accidentally spent 90 dollars on the app, but thankfully got a refund, though that’s besides the point. Jump to Tuesday the 19th when she matched with two guys. Neither of them said anything and she was unbothered. The next day, one of them messaged her, cryptic and weird as hell wondering if she wanted to hear a scary story in two sentences and she said sure. He told her the scary story (which wasn’t even scary if she’s being honest), and then he asked if she wanted to hear more. She replied with an okay, for she watched crime documentaries in her free time so why not? His response came with three questions: if her house was on fire, what are three things she would take? What’s the last sentence she’d want the world to hear from her before she died? She cannot recall the last question, but she answered and asked him for a response to his own questions. It was peculiar because he liked her message, sent her his snapchat, and then the messages disappeared. She added him on snapchat, and he added her back, but again, no one did anything. Friday night rolls around and she receives a snapchat from him. She doesn’t dare look at it in case it’s an unsolicited dick pic because she wasn’t a fan of the one she received from another guy on Christmas, and she didn’t have the energy to deal with it if it was an unsolicited picture. The next morning, she woke up determined. She was going to send an unsolicited picture to the guy who sent one on Christmas and to the guy who might have potentially sent her one. She got out of bed, walked into the bathroom and checked her notification. Yes! Indeed, as she was hoping it wasn’t, as she was hoping she wasn’t just assuming/generalizing the male gender, she found an unsolicited video. Along with it, a picture saying he wanted to eat her out. She believes he sent that to every girl. Her initial thought was to block him, or just to ignore him. But then she remembered that she was determined to send an unsolicited picture. She knew he wouldn’t necessarily mind based on the way he was acting, so for the first time in her life, she took and sent a “nude”. She only sent it to him, because this was recent and it seemed like overkill if she sent it to the Christmas Snapper. He didn’t take long to open it and say something, which slightly freaked her out. Her brows furrowed in confusion as she saw that he had replayed the snap, and then she rolled her eyes. He messaged her (which she was scared to open) and she waited for a few minutes to pass before opening it. ‘Hey’ was all he said. Confused, she replied ‘hi’. He then asked if she was busy, to which she asked if he meant right now. When he affirmed that’s what he meant and that he wanted to eat her out, she told him he probably wouldn’t like it right now. His next line slightly shocked her; he told her that periods only stop sentences. He sent her another snap saying he was waiting on her. She told him that she was free after 3. He asked for ass pics until then, to which she was quick to send a resounding ‘no’. She got ready, told her family her friend was going to pick her up, and waited. A few hours passed by but he finally arrived. He asked her what made her decide to do this. I’ve never done anything like this. She had told him. So, it's been a while? He asked. No, she amended. Like, I’ve never done anything ever. He didn’t believe her. He said that typically it’s either high school or college when girls start doing things. She just shrugged and repeated

that she was telling the truth. Even though he asked about how guys were at school (None of them interested you? All that time there and no one tried to hit you up? Did you grow up thinking that marriage...) she didn’t see the point or have the time to go into the whole spiel. Since her place was occupied and he wasn’t from around here, she quickly texted friend number two, asking if they could use her apartment. Thankfully, she replied quickly and with a positive yes. She couldn’t believe it was actually going to happen. The entire time since the morning started she didn’t actually think anything was going to happen. After she typed in the address in his parked car in an empty parking lot, he told her that they’d leave in a while. She said okay and for a moment was that naive girl in the movies who actually thought they would talk, but no. Next thing she knew, after she finished saying ‘okay’ he leaned in and kissed her. Of course initially it was wet (it’s someone else’s mouth on hers, duh), and she attempted to kiss back as he used teeth. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was her first one. When he pulled back he said, “What, you don’t like kissing?” to which she replied, “No, it’s just that I haven’t done anything. That was my first kiss.” He was incredulous as he was before to which she grinned at the fact that he thought she was ‘capping’ as he put it. On the ride there, they talk about nothing much and soon make it to their destination. Upon getting out of the car, she nudged her three times, and she nudged him back once. It’s a good thing that he has good vision, because she was blind as a bat trying to locate her friend. Friend number two let them in and showed them up to her apartment, and her room which was down the hall. Her roommates were home which was a tad awkward. Her room had blue sheets and blank walls. The boy and the girl chatted with the friend for a bit until eventually the boy was on his phone as the two girls talked, and friend number two mouthed ‘do you want me to go?’. She left, leaving the two alone. It was quiet for about a second and she quickly checked her phone as he was still on his. When he got up, she took her shoes off and managed to get one sock off before he turned off the lights, asked “Do you have any tattoos?” (she said no) and climbed on top of her. She shifted awkwardly as he tried to move her body onto the middle of the bed. He kissed her again, the same way as he did before and she did her best to kiss him back (she would like to add that she was a little miffed that the kissing took off her chapstick). There were so many things she wanted to say and ask before they started but didn’t have the courage to. Did you bring protection? She meant to ask beforehand. His kisses moved to her neck and down her body as his hands slipped under her shirt. He moved her bra up to kiss and suck on her nipples. “Take off your bra.” He instructed. She swiftly and easily took her bra and shirt off in one go as he stripped himself. He went back to kissing her and her body, with his right hand traveling south. She wasn’t moaning yet, but her breathing was labored. For a short moment, she worried she’d be quiet the entire time, and that would’ve been awkward. He slipped inside her panties (“You are on your period.” he stated. “Yeah, why would I lie about that?” she replied), and fingered her. He eventually took off her underwear and leggings, pulling her body close to his and swiftly entered. She didn’t really feel it; it didn’t hurt. Of course, it sort of did when he was really going to town, but that was in a good way. Her eyes opened and closed whenever she saw fit (it also helped to be in complete darkness to not overthink). He spit on her vulva for lubrication and the thought to tell him not to do that (because she found it gross; she didn’t like it ever since she saw it in porn) entered and quickly left as it was already done. She opened her eyes when he left her and was met with his dick nearing her face. “No.” She said immediately. “Why not?” He asked. “It’s my first time.” She replied. “I’ll

teach you.” He told her, running his thumb across her bottom lip. “No,” she said again. He repeated his words from before, but received the answer. She was close to telling him that if that’s a deal breaker he could just leave, but he backed down and slipped inside her again. His right hand around her throat, she was about to tell him no, but once she found that she could breathe comfortably, she remained silent. He turned her over and entered her from behind, pushing her head into the sheets. She grabbed the headboard for support as she groaned at his violent thrusts. She tried to quiet her sounds as she knew there were other people in the residence, but once her backside started slapping against him, she knew it was pointless. When she thought he was slowing down, he would quickly thrust in and slowly back out. He made sure to touch and stroke her clit. He briefly entered her other hole which she was unprepared for and which hurt more as he pounded in, but thankfully, he ditched it. He slipped out a few times before moving her to where her head would rest at the foot of the bed. Still lying on her stomach, he slapped her right cheek two or three times while entering her. She swears there was also a point where he yanked her hair. Turning her over, he entered her again and thrust wildly. His force was pushing her off the bed and hitting deep inside her. She clung to him, legs around his waist, left hand going from the nape of his neck to his chain. Her hands clenched the sheets and she briefly opened her eyes, seeing him watch himself sliding in and out of her. She wanted to try to look too, but his head was moving up and she wanted to avoid possible eye contact, so she shut her eyes quickly. Once her shoulders were going down the bed, he slid her body back on and placed her legs over his shoulders. He kept hitting spots she didn’t know were possible to be reached and came very close to saying, “Oh my god.” There were mostly moans and grunts and the occasional “fuck/oh fuck” from him. As he held her down, he grabbed onto his arms and put her hand over his which was on her right breast. He turned her over once again, slipped out, and released on her legs and the sheets. He fell back after, one of his legs over hers as he lightly panted. They laid in darkness for maybe less than thirty seconds when he asked her if she was good. She said yes, and asked if he was. He replied with telling her he was thirsty. He got up, searching for his pants. When he couldn’t find them, he turned on the lights and she buried her face into the sheets to avoid the bright light. He found his pants and put them on, moving onto looking for his shirt. Her head was up now, and he cupped her chin for a moment, before noticing the red hand prints he left on her. “It’s like a print.” He said, slapping her once more. He left the room to ask her friend if there was any water (he asked her if she wanted any water as well), and while he was out, she quickly got up and located the clothing for her bottom half. It was sore between her legs and her thighs were shaking slightly. He came back in with a Brita filter, saying that’s all they had. She nodded and continued getting dressed. They noticed the small to medium puddle he had left in the center of the sheets and sheepishly walked out to tell the friend. All her friend cared about was that the two hadn’t broken her bed, so she was okay with it. They were comfortable in addressing a bit of what went on behind the closed doors since her friend informed them that she could hear some moans and slapping. While the guy and her friend were discussing her boyfriend, she went to take a shower. Coming out, she realized there weren't any towels. “Do you need a towel?” Her friend asked from outside. “Yeah...thank you.” She replied. “Okay, he’s going to bring them to you.” Her friend told her. She slightly cracked open the door and reached her hand out so that the door still covered her body. As he approached, she opened and closed her hand, indicating that she was waiting for him to hand them to her. He shook his

head and with a playful smile backed her up so that she opened the door and he handed her the towels without looking at her figure. “Thank you” She said. She could hear her friend let out an “aw”. She got dressed (again) and asked her friend for concealer once she noticed the hickey he had left on the left side of her neck. “What? You wanna cover what I left?” He teased. “Well, I don’t need my mom or sister asking about this.” She said, taking the concealer from her friend. As she applied the concealer, she put on a video about a celebrity, which is when he wandered in. She watched him from the mirror and chuckled at him. He watched her briefly as she applied the makeup, then turned his attention to her phone. He made a comment about the video and said that he likes his musicians but not like that, not to know things about them. She told him it was recommended and he shut her phone off. Looking at each other from the mirror, he told her he’d be leaving soon. She said okay, as she had gone into the night with zero expectations. He went back out and she heard her friend say, “You’re just going to leave her here?” And then he asked aloud “Are you spending the night?” To which she replied ‘no.’ Fortunately, her friend's boyfriend was here and they planned on asking nicely if he’d give her a ride home. On the way down, they ran into him and walked out into the brisk night. The two boys immediately started conversing causing the two girls to exchange glances. When they reached the spot where they were to part ways, she expected to just say a goodbye and a wave. Instead, he surprised her by saying ‘hey’ and pulling her in for a hug that lasted longer than a second. When they let go, he kissed her forehead and told her to text him. She said she would, but didn’t think he was being serious. She didn’t plan on seeing him again. She made it home safely.

The next day, he messaged her asking how she was and if he could crash at her place on the weekends since he’s always in the area on weekends. She said she couldn’t since her family is here, and told him she’d ask her friend for next weekend when he asked. That was it. But it went well. They texted on and off in the days to come, about trivial things. He asked her for nudes, she gave them. He asked her what she liked during sex, she asked him which name he preferred to go by. He asked her if he’d be able to stay at Arianna’s the same day he asked, a Friday, and she told him not that weekend, but the next weekend. He left her on read. Two days later, he sent her a TikTok of someone saying they should ask their girl to eat their ass out. She left him on read, because how would she even respond to that? Now, five days have passed and she’s wondering if he’ll text about this weekend or if she should send him a flirty text about her tattoos. She’s nervous he’ll leave her on read; embarrassing. She thinks - knows - that regardless of sending the snap or not, they won’t see each other again, and it’ll just be a faded memory.

[literarysophia]

the Central Park Pact series

hi there! this is my first post on this new blog and it’s about the Central Park Pact series written by Lauren Layne. The novels go: Passion on Park Avenue (Naomi Powell & Oliver Cunningham), Love on Lexington Avenue (Claire Hayes & Scott Turner), and Marriage on Madison Avenue (Audrey Tate & Clark West). The first two (especially Passion on Park) are enemies to lovers and the last installment is friends to lovers. The series follows three women in New York who become fast friends after discovering that they were all with the same man. There’s a blonde, brunette, and a redhead. Once I finished the series, I couldn’t stop thinking about it! I made these pretty simple book covers and mini collage with the girls of Riverdale since they are blonde, brunette, and redhead but I am in no way saying they should play them if this were a movie (which I totally wish it would be). This is just for fun and I highly encourage you all to read the series, and other works of Lauren Layne. I hope you like them!