loona-catcher

[loona-catcher]

Damn I'm so bad at actually going on this app to write on here...

Anyways tomorrow will be a big day for me! Maybe

I have this appointment with a goverment aid worker that should help me find a job that fits my accommodation needs and my skillset. Basically they'd start a trial where I go to a few of their volunteering locations to basically have them observe me and how I manage in different environments. Then that info + a skill test + my diagnostic results + imput from my therapist on what I need would be combined to try and find me a job that I can do.

And if there's no job for me that fits those criteria, I'd be deemed officially too disabled to work and would be put on permanent disability aid (instead of my current disability aid situation that gets reviewed every 6 months).

I really do hope something comes out of this. I don't want to work a 9 to 5 for 5 or 6 days a week, that'd be depressing and also not possible for me with my energy levels, but I do want to do SOMETHING. Staying home all day every day of the week except for 2 hours of an art club is just not fulfilling. I'm literally getting depressed at my own uselessness for society.

Having been a therapist before autistic burnout happened doesn't help cause I went from literally helping teenagers overcome anxiety caused selective mutism to not being able to leave the house without my emotional support plushie. I went from very useful for society to useless. It sucks

[loona-catcher]

I've decided to restart my youtube channel!

It's weird cause it says I have 5k subscribers, but my average views is about 20. Those subscribers are all from the videos I used to make a decade ago. But I don't want to just move to a different channel, since my old friends are subscribed to this one, and my old videos are still (privated) on there. It's like a time capsule of my digital activity over the decade, I don't want to abandon that. So the subscriber count will be really high compared to view count

But who cares, I'm not doing youtube for the views or subscribers or whatever. I'm doing youtube as a video diary!

There's currently 2 videos up in this new direction, a 1 month vlog, and a lego speedbuild. I'm just gonna film whatever I feel like doing. I wanna paint? Painting video. I wanna play a game? I might do a let's play. My favorite artist has a new song? Reaction video. There's a topic I wanna rant about? Commentary video.

I don't want to have a channel that's 1 specific type of content, I want to have a channel that's all content I'd enjoy making. And if nobody watches, that's fine. It's for me after all.

Anyway if somebody does want to watch, I'll leave the lego video here:

I'm so excited to start up this channel again actually! I have a whole list of ideas in my notes app for videos to make, so whenever I feel like filming something I can just pull that out and do one

[loona-catcher]

Is there a way to do at home activism?

Seeing everything going on in America right now, I just feel so useless. I'm in The Netherlands, and I'm autistic (high support needs, not good at leaving the house, let alone joining protests or something of the sort). So with my inability to get out of the house (and on disability aid so also no money to donate), idk what to do to help out

I try to do my part on social media. On my instagram I post about politics often on my story, trying to keep others around me informed as best I can.

But aside from that... Is there anything I can do? For queer people, for immigrants, for trans people, poc, fellow disabled people, anyone currently threatened by the American goverment.

If anyone knows anything I can help with, please let me know. I'd love to do more ❤️

[loona-catcher]

Not even 2 months ago the local farmer's market took my favorite smoothie out of their stock, and I had to find an alternative... I'm bad at eating fruit everyday, so if I eat my fruit daily for the week I allow myself a smoothie for the weekend as a little treat. It's a good motivator for me to eat fruit daily cause I LOVE a good mango passionfruit smoothie.

I found an alternative at a local supermarket, it didn't taste the same but similar enough that it could pass as a safe food for me (safe food = doesn't trigger my autism texture or taste sensory overload)

And now THEY TOOK IT OUT OF STOCK AT THAT SUPERMARKET TOO???? Now I have to find another one AGAIN????

I'm so annoyed why can't stores just keep the same products in stock so those of us who have difficulty with change don't have to have a meltdown over a smoothie 🙃

[loona-catcher]

Since there is a limit of 10 pics per post, here's some more I couldn't add:

Also while I don't really show my face on the internet usually, I really love this picture so...

I went to the zoo earlier this week!

So I'm late to writing about it, but better late than never.

Me and 2 of my closest friends went to the zoo together after not having seen each other in person for half a year. We live quite far apart (halfway across the country) so with their studies, and my disability, it's hard to find a time to meet up. But we managed to finally plan a day out during a vacation week they had at uni, meaning we could go to the zoo!

Last time I had been to the zoo was 20 years ago, so this would be my first zoo visit that I'd have conscious memories of. And I'm glad that's the case cause this zoo had the best animal to ever exist

PANDAS 🐼✨🎉

For those who may not know as they read this, I am autistic. Pandas are a very big special interest of mine. So going to the only zoo in my country that has pandas was a dream come true.

All the other animals were of course cool too, but OMG PANDAS.

We spent by far the most time by the pandas. And at the giftshop I got €30 worth of panda themed items, including a snow globe, a plushie, and some (knockoff) legos build your own panda set.

This is what heaven looks like:

I also got a panda shaped ice cream with my lunch and lets just say, this panda had seen better days...

Okay now some not panda related stuff

Loud gang:

So yeah, I had the best day ever! I got to see my closest friends again after such a long time, I got to see my favorite animal ever in real life, and it was beautiful weather too making the entire day also very warm (both literally and metaphorically)

I don't know when I'll be able to see my friends again, but until then I'll cherish the memories from this day forever 🩷

[loona-catcher]

I went to the zoo earlier this week!

So I'm late to writing about it, but better late than never.

Me and 2 of my closest friends went to the zoo together after not having seen each other in person for half a year. We live quite far apart (halfway across the country) so with their studies, and my disability, it's hard to find a time to meet up. But we managed to finally plan a day out during a vacation week they had at uni, meaning we could go to the zoo!

Last time I had been to the zoo was 20 years ago, so this would be my first zoo visit that I'd have conscious memories of. And I'm glad that's the case cause this zoo had the best animal to ever exist

PANDAS 🐼✨🎉

For those who may not know as they read this, I am autistic. Pandas are a very big special interest of mine. So going to the only zoo in my country that has pandas was a dream come true.

All the other animals were of course cool too, but OMG PANDAS.

We spent by far the most time by the pandas. And at the giftshop I got €30 worth of panda themed items, including a snow globe, a plushie, and some (knockoff) legos build your own panda set.

This is what heaven looks like:

I also got a panda shaped ice cream with my lunch and lets just say, this panda had seen better days...

Okay now some not panda related stuff

Loud gang:

So yeah, I had the best day ever! I got to see my closest friends again after such a long time, I got to see my favorite animal ever in real life, and it was beautiful weather too making the entire day also very warm (both literally and metaphorically)

I don't know when I'll be able to see my friends again, but until then I'll cherish the memories from this day forever 🩷

[loona-catcher]

I did some crafts yesterday!

A few days ago I had cut some colored cardstock into 6.5 by 9 cm rectangles to put in my kpop photocard binders as backgrounds (so I wouldn't be able to see the next page peek through as I look at a page)

When cutting out these rectangles, I had a lot of scraps left from the A4 sized cardstock. But just throwing them all in the recycling would be such a waste, so I was brainstorming what I could make out of them

So after sorting all the scraps by color, I decided to make a rainbow collage of the little scraps, with a shape in the middle. Usually if I do something with many colors I immediately opt for a rainbow pattern, so instead I decided to use a wheel of fortune app, put all the colors in as options, and have it constantly select what color to put, so it'd be truly random, only respinning the wheel if it gave me the same color as right next to it already.

And while it turned out beautifully, my art journal is now even harder to close 😂

[loona-catcher]

It sucks to still be coming to terms with my autism diagnosis. I have had my diagnosis formally for about 8 months now, so it's all still kind of new in terms of changing thoughts I had about my self for the 23 years before being diagnoses.

I always used to think I would be able to do stuff if I just tried hard enough. That I was having a hard time with stuff just cause I needed to do it more, practice makes perfect after all.

But that perfect isn't actually possible for me, and accepting that is hard.

If I can't even keep up a cleaning schedule for 1 week without feeling overwhelmed to the point I have a mental breakdown, how will I ever move out and live independently. If I can't leave the house most days due to sensory overwhelm, how would I ever get groceries or social interaction if I lived on my own.

But I also can't expect my mom to always be there for me. I'm 24. One day I'll have to move out, and that terrifies me cause I'm not capable of taking care of myself.

I won't see my therapist for another 2 weeks due to her taking a leave (due to personal reasons), but I really should bring this up asap. I know there's resources like home care for people in situations like mine, but I wonder if it'd not be available until I either move out or my mom is no longer around. Then again, I can't move out due to the housing crisis anyway so it's not that much of an issue.

Though I do hope to move out by 27, cause by then my disability aid will be cut in half if I still live at home. Cause 27 year olds suddenly need 50% less money than 26 year olds, right? Make it make sense government

[loona-catcher]

Turns out when I am at PEAK stress levels I talk in my sleep and have nightmares

I never have nightmares, but I just noticed a pattern that every time I do have a nightmare, it's after a very stressful few days.

And now I've also talked in my sleep twice since january 1st, both after stressful days.

To quote myself as I was asleep last night: "[inaudible] because I thought I saw a duck, are you kidding?" AND THEN PROCEEDED TO LAUGH OUT LOUD???? WHILE ASLEEP???

Thank you alarm app for recording my sleep talking and keeping it saved for me, my little ramblings are definitely fun at 1am

Ignore the static, that's rain.

Also love that in my subconscious sleep state I spoke half dutch half english in 1 sentence...

[loona-catcher]

So I just learned a new life hack for myself.

When I think something is becoming too much, mention it to my mom. If when saying "I think this thing is too much for me today" I start tearing up, it's correct. If I don't tear up, it's not.

When you're not in touch with your emotions unless you vocalize them, VOCALIZE THEM TO FIGURE IT OUT

This week I wanted to try being a functional adult. I'm a medium to higher support needs autistic adult, but I also wanna move out from my mom's house one day, so I wanted to just try to see what I'd be able to do... Cleaning what needs to be cleaned, cooking occasionally, keep my exercise going, and also eat fruit and drink enough.

I kept it going for exactly 7 days, but now I'm officially too exhausted. Currently on the brink of a meltdown. So yeah I'll not be moving out anytime soon I guess

[loona-catcher]

Today is a "too exhausted to do anything" day. Which sucks cause I have cleaning to do

How do I clean the stairs and the bathroom without leaving the couch

[loona-catcher]

sometimes i forgot my mom is also autistic, but then she gets into an info dumping word waterfall moment talking about her hyperfixations and i get overwhelmed cause too much input (but also can't tell her not too cause fear of disaapointing people)

and it's only 9 am how am i gonna manage a whole day

[loona-catcher]

Do you ever just get a massive rush of nostalgia for a former special interest and now you can't stop thinking about your childhood special interest even though you hadn't thought of it in literally a decade?

Super Mario Galaxy my beloved, I am back

[loona-catcher]

Today honestly was a little... Meh

I've been trying to get better with stuff like chores, as well as health habits. And currently it's going well

Thing is, it's like that's ALL I think about right now.

I wake up, check my whiteboard to see what chores I have to do today. Breakfast, time to do chores. Then after chores I do a workout, and then... I'm bored and feel empty.

It's weird cause it's not like I have fun doing laundry or cleaning the litterbox or whatever, but I'm now so focused on getting these tasks done that it almost feels like I'm forgetting how to fill up my time when I'm not actively busy.

I've basically gone from always just relaxed and doing whatever while having executive disfunction ruin my health habits and enviorment, all the way to the opposite where I am hyper focused all executive tasks and forgot how to do literally anything else to have some fun downtime.

Brain... Please

[loona-catcher]

This is insanely beautiful omg

it was all too much, and now I have nothing left

[loona-catcher]

I feel called out 😂

“You’re asexual, then you must be autistic/neurodivergent and love cartoons” you shouldn’t put everyone in a box but you did choose the right box

[loona-catcher]

A life progress update

The past 2 weeks I've been trying to get better at adulting. I still live with my mom (yay disability and housing crisis) but I want to try and be less dependent of her.

After new year's I started taking better care of my physical health first. Due to my executive disfunction I can have a hard time with stuff like basic hygiene and habits like eating fruit every day or drinking enough. So I had been focussing on that, 1 habit at a time and adding 1 on every week.

But in therapy we talked about my future plans, and honestly? i have none. Like sure I wanna move out one day and be able to live independently, but can I?

So that's what I'm working on now. In the past week I've been trying my hardest to stick to a cleaning schedule, stuff like vaccuuming (the worst thing to ever exist), cleaning my desk, laundry cycles, ect. I've also downloaded a finance tracking app and came up with a system (together with my therapist) that hopefully should work for me. I'll probably explain the system + share my cleaning schedule later. Who knows, maybe someone else can use it too

And today, I COOKED!

Okay cooking is a bit dramatic. I've never made anything from scratch before besides like... a sandwich, so even something like using the stovetop is new for me. So with instructions from my mom and many questions about how stuff works, I made a soup!

The soup to bowl size ratio wasn't as spacious as I had planned, but hey, I didn't spill while moving it from the kitchen to the dining table so really I succeeded.

My mom baked the breads, cause lord knows I'm not prepared for using both the stove top and the oven at the same time. Not yet at least.

Next week I plan to make food at least 2 more times. One time to learn how the airfryer works, and one time to learn how the oven works. Knowing the basics of the tools available should help me to then expand my culinary trial-and-error run a bit more without getting overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to try for the first time all at once.

Anyway, that's all for today's random blog entry!

Much love,

- Thil 🩷