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Trauma Olympics: Panem Edition

Therapist: Welcome, everyone! Let's start with how the Games have effected us. Haymitch? Haymitch: Sure. I cope by drinking, insulting people, and aggressively mentoring trauma survivors. Haymitch: It’s going great. Katniss: I volunteer as emotionally unavailable. Peeta: *quietly* I bake to cope, paint to remember, and occasionally lose track of which memories are real. Peeta: Also, I might still be programmed to strangle Katniss. Peeta: So, you know… progress. Gale: I turned my anger into blueprints. Some of them exploded. Therapist: Okay, that’s... intense. And who’s—*looks at the door*. Wait… who invited him? President Snow (entering, smug): I brought white roses and centuries of oppression. Thought I’d sit in. Therapist: *sighs* This is not what I meant by “facing your past.”

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Ethics Are Optional

Ravi: Is this legal? Pip: Technically? Ravi: Okay… is it ethical? Pip: Ravi, I literally tracked a missing girl using a burner account and psychological manipulation. Ravi: Right. Continue.

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Crush = Prime Suspect

Pip: What if the real killer is… me? Ravi: I always suspected you were too clever for your own good.

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When Your Family Name Is Your Only Skill

Draco (posting): Just got promoted to Prefect! #Leadership #PurebloodPride Hermione (commenting): Skill endorsement: Crying quietly when McGonagall yells. Harry: You misspelled nepotism. Ron: Congrats, Draco! Next stop: Ministry internship or family favoritism? Luna: Sometimes the quietest noise causes the most confusion, like your kind of leadership does to the Wrackspurts. Ginny: ? Neville: Prefect? Didn’t know they handed those out to weeds. Guess Slytherin’s standards really are low. Ginny: Congrats, Draco. Must be exhausting riding your family's coattails while the rest of us actually earn it.

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Harry Potter and the Nerve of This Bill Collector

Agent: Hello, this is Gringotts. We're calling about your outstanding balance of 347 Galleons for Advanced Potions supplies. Harry: That class was required! I didn't even pass! Agent: Still used the cauldron. Harry: I was nearly murdered a few times that year. Agent: That's listed under student life. Not covered. Harry: What about my deteriorating mental health because of Snape? Agent: You signed the waiver, Mr. Potter.

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The Seven: No Thoughts, Only Vibes (And One 17-Page PDF)

Jason Grace - The Only One Who Tried

would have a schedule

would follow said schedule even during monster attacks

go-to question, "guys, can we please focus?"

leads a group that treats world-saving quests like optional side quests

thunderbolt dad issues. but make it noble.

Annabeth Chase - The Planner

made a 17 page PDF for the quest (nobody else read it)

has 3 backup plans, all the pressure points memorized, and a death glare that would kill a hyrda

weapon of choice: celestial bronze knife and unspoken judgement

has 100% yelled "that's not structurally sound" in the middle of a collapsing temple.

think she's the most sane one in the group. she's correct.

Percy Jackson - The One Who Accidently Won the War Again

go-to question, "what do you mean that wasn't the plan?"

can command oceans. accidently led some wars. can't remember due dates.

survives off instinct, loyalty, and dumb luck

doesn't read the prophecy until it's already happening

thinks "strategy" is just surviving long enough until Annabeth can fix it

Leo Valdez - The Human Fire Drill

lives off chaos energy, caffeine, and grease

has never followed a safety protocol in his life

"trust me" energy, right before a fireball appears (from the robot he made)

chaos gremlin with a soft center and an actual flamethrower (that he will use)

is he laughing or about to cry? neither. he's building a mechanized dragon because no one told him not to

Hazel Levesque - The Soft-Spoken Battlefield Problem

1940s girlboss with the aura of a haunted French doll

politely warned the enemy to back off. collapsed the earth when they didn’t.

looks like a sweetheart. has cursed gold in her pockets.

rides a demon-speed horse into battle and then says “thank you” like a Disney princess

reads wuthering heights like its a comedy

Frank Zhang - The Shapeshifting Anxious Tank

sweetest boy in the room. also can become a grizzly bear.

would take a spear for you, then proceed to apologize for bleeding on your shoes

wears hoodies, emotional responsibility, and the weight of his entire lineage

was once described as "a cinnamon roll who could and would crush you". still accurate.

most likely to say "sorry" to a chair

Piper McLean - The Therapist with a Knife

carries lip gloss, a dagger, and enough damage to write an indie album

will convince a dragon it has mommy issues

has most definitely said "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" before defeating a monster

could lead a rebellion, or a yoga treat. no one knows.

probably has a playlist titled "Monster Therapy Sessions"

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Nico's entire personality

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Not perfect, but neither are they — my first edit for the Crows.

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When Leo Builds Something

Leo: *shows up covered in soot* It works...mostly Everyone else: *backs away slowly*

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Annabeth Tries to Plan, Percy Brings Chaos

Annabeth: Okay, we need a plan for the science project. Percy: Can't we just wing it like last time? Annabeth: That ended with a small fire and a trip to the nurse's office. Percy: So, basically a quest?