#dark secrets

[horygory]

The Devil's Backbone (2001)

[rosemary-morgan]

Javier Escuella X F.Reader - It's never to late to repent (Part 4) 18+

(Pictures found on pinterest/google. That one with Javier is mine. Collage made by me 🌺)

Many thanks to @fangirl-ramblings 🖤 she has been beta reading for me 🌹

The 4 Part is online 🥰 thanks to all who read and like my story 🐝🌺 I hope you will enjoy the this chapter too!

Tag list: @fangirl-ramblings @rose-of-black-blood @livingdeadgirly @coaxium-captain-rex @12timetraveler @butterballchannie @charlesjaviersimp @ashethesimp @planetahmane @snoowply @sylum @noodle-tm @karmashatty @nadnad09 @lill2350 @slightlyexpiredyogurt8 @natnuszsstuff @boniscute @books-arebetterthan-boys @pedropascalluvr69 @blackrosegarden6 @sie-werden-nie-vergessen @inlovewithjavierescuella

If anyone of you want to be tagged to not miss the newest chapter, please let me know 🙏 If you want me to take you off the list, please tell me

And sorry if there are errors with the Spanish words. Please tell me if so. Thanks 🖤

👉Read part 1 / part 2 / part 3

Warning: Nsfw 18+! Very erotic stuff y'all, trigger moments, angst

Summary: The love between you had never stopped and your nights are now again marked by passion. But there is a dark secret that you can not tell Javier. Not yet, for it would break his heart. Now that you had found each other again, you didn't want to risk it all. But he has a right to know…

Javier Escuella X F.Reader - It's never to late to repent (Part 4) 18+

You still couldn't believe that Javier was standing in front of you. Just when you were about to throw all your hopes overboard, a small miracle happened. Javier's eyes sought your gaze and you could clearly see that he was afraid of your reaction. He was very tense, but how could you refuse him now? After you had so ardently wished that he would come and see you?

"I… um, Y/N, listen, I know… this…"

The words were stuck in his throat, because he really didn't know what to say. How was he supposed to find the right words either?

"I needed to see you, Y/N… But… I understand if you have finally lost your patience with me. I understand if…"

You approached him without words and the next moment you threw yourself into his arms. Full of relief, he closed his eyes, his arms immediately wrapped around your body and he hugged you tightly. He immediately buried his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent deeply. God, how he had missed your lovely scent!

"Javier…"

Your voice trembled as you whispered his name. Your hands clawed desperately at his raven black hair as your tears ran unstoppably down your face. You heard Javier sigh softly, followed by a quiet sob before he swallowed.

"Y/N… I'm sorry…" he whispered against your neck and you could feel his tears wetting your skin. His warm, strong body nestled against yours made you feel safe and secure.

You looked straight into his eyes as he took hold of your tender face and begged you again to forgive him.

"Lo siento mucho, Y/N!"

His cheeks grew quite warm, the tears ran inexorably down his face. So much pain, so much sorrow and regrets were on his face. Too many emotions to cope with.

"I have caused you so much grief."

But instead of facing him with anger and hatred, you just smiled through tears. The time for scorn was long gone and everything you wanted, you now had. Your dearest Javier had returned.

Gently you placed your hands on his, your lips were so close, you could feel each other's warm breath.

"I've only ever thought of you, Javier. All these years…"

And that was when Javier couldn't take it anymore and without warning, he kissed her. Instantly, your knees went all soft, blissful lap through your whole body.

"How could I ever forget you?" whispered Javier, before kissing you longingly again, brushing the strands of your hair from your face.

Words of love filled your house and every single word came from the depths of your soul. From two people who had suffered immensely without the other. Neither of you ever wanted to be apart again.

"Te quiero! Te quiero mucho, Y/N! Yo nunca dejé de amarte!"

And you had never stopped loving him either. This moment seemed like a beautiful dream and you were so afraid of letting go of Javier. You were afraid that this beautiful moment could burst like a soap bubble. It wouldn't be bearable for you a second time.

"I love you, Javier."

Desperately you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and Javier held you tightly, enveloping you with his arms like the wings of an angel.

Suddenly he knelt in front of you, wrapped his arms around your middle and he pressed his face against your stomach, sighing heavily and you could feel that he was trembling. Javier could do nothing, his tears would not end. You lovingly stroked his black hair. Good God, how much time you had lost… how much had been taken from you…

When Javier looked up to you, his eyes were filled with warmth and trust. As his warm hands laid on your tender arms, you suddenly felt hot and deepest excitement shot through your body. His touch felt so damn good and you closed your eyes for a moment, your heart pounding like crazy.

"Javier…"

"Y/N…"

Javier whispered your name, rising from his spot. He stood close to you, his warm breath brushing your cheek. His hands squeezed your arms and you gasped, closing your eyes. A lustful sigh escaped your lips as Javier gently pressed your body against his.

"The nights were so cold… so lonely without you, mi rosa…" he whispered hoarsely against your lips and you thought you would lose your mind at any moment. Between your legs was tingling like crazy and you wanted, no, you needed his touch, his lips, his body…

His lips gently brushed your cheek and you could hear how aroused he was too.

"I've dreamed of this moment so many times, Y/N," Javier groaned in your ear and he closed his eyes, breathing in your seductive scent, burying his face in the crook of your neck with a deep sigh. Carefully you wrapped your arms around his neck, letting the wave of pleasure take you for good.

"The warmth of your body, the taste of your lips… I almost went crazy without you…"

His fingers ran over your arms as he said this.

"Javier…"

As his hand gently touched your cheek, you leaned into his touch. Javier had always been tender and you had missed that feeling so much. His beautiful eyes took in every little detail of your face. Your shapely lips, the long lashes and your eyes that shimmered with tears.

"Your touches, your kisses…. I missed them so much, Javier…"

And that was never to be again, Javier had told himself. Yet when your lips met, your kiss instantly ignited like a fire. Javier reached for the hem of your dress, pushing it up, his hand roaming over your bare thigh. You were wearing long white stockings, fastened with a small bow to hold to your thigh. His fingers gently clawed into your firm flesh, full of desire for you. He had always had a weakness for long stockings and he liked the idea of stripping you down to them and making love to you.

His lips detached from yours, rather he let his mouth slide over your throat. Moaning softly, you let your head fall back, enjoying this erotic moment.

"Ahh… Javier…" Your hands claw into his hair as Javier greedily tasted the skin on your throat, gently biting into your flesh…

♦♦♦♦

His beautiful, naked body resembled stunning marble; firm and strong, slender and desirous. His hands slid under the hem of your undergarment that covered your trembling body. Inch by inch he pushed it up, over your waist and stomach, until he had freed your beautiful breasts. Rosy nipples tightened under his gaze. His eyes grew dark with desire and Javier couldn't believe his luck. You lay before him, in the flesh. Beautiful and desirable!

After he had removed your undergarments, he carelessly threw it aside and you lay in the soft sheets dressed only in your white, long stockings. Biting your lips gently, you looked up at Javier, giving him a glimpse between your legs as you opened them for him. You could hear him inhale deeply, trembling with excitement.

"Oh, querida…"

Did you realize how crazy you were driving him? How much he desired you? His hands covered your tits, pressing them together. He lifted them to his lips as he lowered his head and his hair slid over your oversensitive, heated skin, while his mouth swallow one of the stiff nipples, kissing it first and then circling it with his tongue, making you moan with pleasure.

Javier continued, covering your other tit with tender bites. You squirmed helplessly, wishing he would lick your hot, throbbing pussy. To kiss it and give it the attention it needed right now. You could barely stand it anymore, so your hand slipped between your legs and you started caressing yourself. Javier noticed this immediately and he had to grin, rather he let your nipple slide out of his mouth with a smack. Slowly, he slid down on your body. Grabbing your hips, he lifted your hips to finally taste your sweet little pussy after such a long time. Completely captivated by your scent, Javier closed his eyes for a moment and breathed it in. You desperately whispered his name as you felt infinite pleasure at that moment. His tongue parted your folds, swapping between them and finding your clitoris. Slowly, ever so slowly, Javier circled the small, pulsating center of your desire. He alternated licking and sucking on you until he heard you lustfully call his name. It was like a sighing plea to finally take you.

Deeply his tongue plunged into your tight, wet opening, fucking you in a delicious way and you thought you were going to lose your mind.

"Javier…!"

Clutching at the pillow, you threw your head to the side, moaning with pleasure as your inner thighs began to quiver.

Your breasts rose and fell with each breath and Javier's dark eyes, looked up at you. He enjoyed the sight of your beautiful body, the expression of pure bliss on your face. His tongue ran in circular motions over your clit, sometimes faster and then slower. You could barely stand the feeling and you suppressed a loud moan, pressing the back of your hand to your mouth. "Oh my god… ahhh…"

"Ahh… Y/N…"

Javier encircled your swollen pearl and he started sucking on it, stroking your thighs with his hands and as you reached into his hair, a deep growl came from his throat. His cock was perfectly hard and erect, pre-cum dripping from its tip, sliding slowly down his shaft. He could hardly stand it anymore, becoming more energetic in his actions as he also slid his fingers into your opening to fuck you with his fingers.

Briefly Javier had to swallow your nectar to continue and before you could think any further you came with a lustful moan, your back arching and Javier holding you tightly to his mouth so you could ride out your orgasm.

"Mi rosa… you are so beautiful…" he whispered, breathing a kiss on your inner thigh before sliding up to you, his warm, toned body resting on yours.

Javier grabbed his cock and made circular motions with the tip on your clit.

"Look at me, sweetheart…" he whispered, gently turning your face towards him and when you opened your eyes, Javier could see the tears in them. But he could tell that you were just happy at the moment.

"I want to look at you when I make love to you…"

"Javier…"

His words were as sweet as honey, his touches and kisses gentle as a bird's wings.

As his hand sought yours to intertwine your fingers, he guided his cock to your wet opening and you instantly took him in. With a deep, lustful moan on both sides, you looked into each other's eyes, saw the lust in each other's faces. A beautiful and very intimate moment for you.

You clawed almost desperately at his masculine back, almost as if you were afraid he might be taken from you again. But Javier felt the same way. The thought of letting you go again was out of the question for him.

"Mi amor… I love you…"

Your pussy was like velvet and you were hot and so wet… Javier thought he was losing his mind. He began to thrust himself inside you. Slowly at first, for he savored being so deep inside you. His throbbing cock filled you completely. "Ahh… you are so tight and so hot…. hssst… ahhh…" he moaned against your ear and he bit your earlobe. His voice had gone a notch deeper and darker and that made your body tremble with pleasure. His lips kissed your mouth as he moved rhythmically inside you and his scent clouded your senses. He smelled of leather, spicy lavender and tobacco…

The sound of his balls smacking against your wetness filled the room. Enveloped by your scent and your husky, lustful sounds, and after more powerful thrusts from Javier, he felt that he was about to climax and you too felt yourself tingling intensely between your legs. When his hand slipped between your bodies to caress your clit, your climax overtook you. Your body arched lustfully towards Javier and you clawed at his strong arms, seeking help, driving him crazy with the sight of your beautiful body. And finally he squirted his seed deep into your soft pussy, growling lustfully and closing his eyes as he thrust into you, trembling while riding out his climax.

You clung to each other in the soft sheets of your bed, enjoying this precious moment. Panting heavily, you lay on top of each other and Javier had his arms wrapped tightly around your body. You felt so desired, so loved… you had the feeling that you would always find protection in his arms. When his eyes searched your gaze, you smiled lovingly at him and Javier covered your face with tender kisses. Gently he kissed your cheek, your chin, your nose, your eyelids and finally your seductive mouth.

The two of you stayed like that for a few moments; foreheads resting together and looking into each other's eyes, not wanting to lose the feeling of the other. This was a special moment for both of you….

♦♦♦♦

"Where have you been all these years, Javier?" you asked softly as you rested against his chest. It was such a pleasant silence that surrounded you both. The sun's rays fell directly on their naked bodies, mentioning you. The young man gently stroked your arm as he looked up at the ceiling, thinking about where best to start. He had been through a lot in the last five years, had made bad decisions. But after the decline of the gang, he too had been lost. For Javier, everything had been hopeless then.

"I was lost, mi rosa. I had made many, wrong decisions."

You listened to him, snuggling even closer to his chest, gently running your fingers over his skin.

"After the decline, I got into one shit situation after another. I didn't… didn't care about anything anymore, you know? I stole, killed to survive. I was just a shadow of my former self."

You could understand him well, and you knew Javier. He had a guilty conscience for all those things, but they were in the past now and you had to let them rest sometime. You were lucky to have Abigail and John as support. Otherwise, you would have been in a bad way after Micah and Dutch brought everyone to ruin.

"But I was given another chance. And this man is really like a father to me. He's given me a lot, shown me a lot."

He was talking about his boss, who had finally persuaded him to seek you out.

Curiously you looked up at him and when you saw Javier smile you knew everything was right. Giving you a kiss on the forehead, he sighed contentedly.

" I'm very happy that you live in this beautiful place, Y/N. I'm happy that you're doing well and living a good life."

Tears came to your eyes at his words. It had been half a life without him, but his words touched you. It only confirmed how much he loved you.

"Without Abigail and John, I don't think I would have made it as easily as I did."

Javier was now very curious when you mentioned their name. Javier often thought of John.

"They were supportive of me, Javier. I was with them for almost two years until finally I was able to build my own life."

But there was one thing you didn't mention. A trauma that you hadn't really dealt with until today, and if Javier found out, it would break his heart. Only Abigail, John and little Jack knew about that. Something that had shaken you all to the core. You immediately shook off that thought, because it wasn't time to tell Javier yet. Was there even a time for it?

"I'm just glad we found each other again, darling," you whispered as you nestled your face into the crook of his neck and took a deep breath of his scent.

"I love you, Y/N."

His arms wrapped protectively around you and neither of you had the intention to stand up. Time seemed to have stopped for you.

You had been stranded, left by the wayside and yet, your lives had moved forward. Javier had managed to get his life together, just like you. You both earned your money with hard work and you were proud of it. You were more grown up, had realized at some point that life as an outlaw was not a romantic affair. No one knew better than you, because you had gone through it…

♦♦♦♦

You stood in the kitchen, your thoughts giving you no peace. A bit nervously you chewed your thumb, looking out of the window, lost. Dark clouds were gathering, the thunder was already rumbling in the distance.

"Is everything all right, honey?"

You seemed a bit sad this morning and Javier wondered what the reason could be. There was indeed a reason, but you couldn't talk about it. At least not yet. You had just found each other and you didn't want a shadow to be cast over your love.

"Yes. I'm just a little sick to my stomach."

Loving as Javier was, he gently stroked your cheek and smiled encouragingly at you.

"You should lie down for a bit. Drink some chamomile tea, that will calm your stomach."

You gave him a warm smile, rather kissing him tenderly.

"Maybe you're right."

"I have to go now. My client doesn't like to wait."

"Okay, Javi. I'll see you tonight."

He gave you another deep, intimate kiss but instead of pulling away from you, he intensified the kiss, his body snuggling against yours and pressing you against the counter, making you gasp in pleasure. Instantly, you wrapped your arms around his neck, smiling into the kiss.

"Javi?"

"Mmm…"

His lips roamed over your neck, and he knew exactly where to kiss you so you'd be all his.

"Don't you have to go to work?" you asked with an amused undertone.

"Mhm… I still have a few minutes," he whispered against your skin and without giving it much thought, he grabbed your thighs and lifted you onto the counter. With a seductive smile, you pulled Javier by his collar while your beautiful legs wrapped around his waist.

"I just can't keep my hands off you," he purred low and excited as he slid his hand under your skirt to feel your skin.

"Javi…"

You became instantly wet and that was just from his voice, his touch and his closeness. There was nothing wrong with performing a quick fuck in the kitchen, was there?

But your plan was thwarted when you heard a wagon. Javier looked out the window and saw someone approaching.

"Who is that?"

It could only be John. She looked up at Javier.

"Let's go outside. That must be John."

"John?"

What was John doing here? Out of nowhere like this? Javier frowned but followed, and he was more than curious to know how these circumstances fit together.

"Hey, Y/N! I brought you some stuff from town. And…"

John's smile evaporated as Javier suddenly appeared behind you. He thought he was seeing a ghost and he had to realize Javier was really here. John shook his head barely noticeably, closing his eyes briefly and frowning.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hola, John…"

"I said, what the hell are you doing here?"

And John sounded rather irritated. Instantly, he climbed off his wagon, made his way straight to the two of you. You had guessed that this reunion wouldn't be easy. But that John would react so negatively to Javier was surprising even to you.

"I could ask you the same thing, amigo."

Javier didn't appreciate being approached without any respect. John was angry, yes, he could understand. But if he was going to act foolish, well, so could Javier.

"I'll take care of, Y/N. Unlike you, Javier!"

Javier swallowed hard. Yes, John had been right. He hadn't been there for you, but he was now, and he would stay.

"You better get out of here, Javier! You have no business being here!"

"What? Says who? You?"

"Enough!"

The whole thing was getting too silly for you. With a stern look you eyed John, standing in front of Javier.

"This is my house, my property! I decide who can come here and who can't! Is that clear, John!"

"Y/N! Do you really think you can trust that snake? After all he's done!"

"Oh, come on John! Don't act like that! You let Abigail and Jack down back then! You let us all down that time!"

Now John was the one who had nothing to say about it. The two men paused and you were glad that neither of them had anything to say at the moment.

"We all made mistakes in our past. But talking about it doesn't undo anything!"

"Y/N, you may be right, but Javier sided with Micah! He is partly to blame for Arthur's death!"

"That's enough John! You better leave now!"

But John didn't listen at all, he went straight for Javier, stood in front of him, but Javier didn't back away, nor did he let John intimidate him.

"You betrayed us all."

With his head held high, he looked John in the eye. There was something dangerous in his gaze.

"I saved your life more than once, hijo de puta!"

But John was so pissed, he wasn't even listening to what Javier had to say to him.

"When Y/N needed you the most, you weren't there! You abandoned her and your child!"

It hit Javier, but also you, like a thunderbolt when John spoke those words. And at that very moment, there was a deep and powerful clap of thunder. Within a few seconds, the first raindrops were already falling to the earth. Daughter? How? But… For Javier, a world just collapsed. He was completely confused and you could see it in his face. His eyes slid across the ground, trying to comprehend what John had just said.

"Your daughter would have needed a father! Your woman would have needed you!"

You couldn't believe John had the thoughtlessness to say such a thing to Javier. Sobbing, you put your hand to your mouth to suppress your tears as best you could. Eventually everything came to light, but it had definitely been too soon. Way too soon and you would never forgive John for that. Closing your eyes, you let the first tears run free. The rain became heavier and soon wetted your entire face, mixing with your tears.

Javier was so shocked by John's statement that he was speechless. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words passed his lips. His eyes became glassy and he cast a shocked look in your direction. When he saw your tears and your agonized expression, he was aware that John was telling the truth.

"Y/N… no…"

"Fuck you Javier! Do her a favor and fuck off again!"

Where was his child? You didn't tell him about it! Where the hell was his daughter?

[mrsoulstice]

Your darkest secret 😳🤫👮‍♀️🚓

[ranboothesillyartist]

I CAME BACK W A NEW AU FUCKERS😈💅💅💅 HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEEHEHEHHEHEHEHTEHEE

"Dark secrets" OOOOOOOOOOOOW! SCARY!! DOES IT HAVE A FOREST?? YES IT DOES! DOES IT HAVE SPRINGTRAP? YES IT DOES!!! AM I GOING INSANELY INSANE W IT????? YEAH!! IS SPRINGTRAP BASED ON MAMA FROM TATTLETAIL??? YAAAASSSSS💅💅💅 HHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEHOOHOHOHOHOHO *dies*

[victxrianeverlies]

Hiii<3🩷🩷🩷🎀🌸🪷🪞🦢🌷

[etoilenabeerie]

Dark Secrets Updated 2/16/2024

[awesomecooperlove]

👹🇮🇱👹

[perfection-is-an-opinion]

~I want to know his deepest and darkest secrets in the deepest and darkest way~

-a poem of a new kind

[redley-of-many-noodles]

Just found this the other day, has an amazing sound imo. Most rock is just grating to my ears but then exceptions like this remind me not to dismiss the genre. Especially since it seems to be just far enough out of mainstream that we frequently get full length songs - this one is 5:12 - and not just the 2:57 songs that get pushed in pop music because they don’t require the audience to pay attention for any serious span of time.

“Memories hidden // Deep inside // Broke the surface // Killed your pride”

Like seriously. Those lines go hard

There’s something specific about “inside” specifically, during the pronunciation of “-ide,” where the voice sort of… warbles? Fluctuates? “Shake” is the wrong word because it’s clearly controlled. But it sounds absolutely EPIC. I just don’t know if there’s a proper musical term for it (there probably is).

Anyway. Remember to try new things! There are so many things you could be falling in love with waiting to be found.

[blueheartbookclub]

"The Mysteries of Gloria: A Review of G. Frederic Turner's Captivating Tale"

G. Frederic Turner's Gloria is a literary masterpiece that mesmerizes readers with its intricate plot, compelling characters, and thought-provoking themes. Set against the backdrop of a small New England town, Turner weaves a tale of mystery, intrigue, and hidden secrets that keeps readers on the edge of their seats from beginning to end.

At the heart of Gloria lies the enigmatic character after whom the novel is named. Gloria is a woman shrouded in mystery, her past veiled in secrecy and her motives unclear. As the story unfolds, readers are drawn into Gloria's world, where nothing is as it seems and every revelation only deepens the intrigue surrounding her. Turner masterfully explores the complexities of human nature through Gloria's character, leaving readers questioning the nature of truth, identity, and the masks we wear to conceal our innermost selves.

One of the most striking aspects of Gloria is Turner's skillful storytelling and evocative prose. His vivid descriptions of the New England landscape and its inhabitants create a rich tapestry of imagery that transports readers to the heart of the story. From the quaint charm of the town square to the eerie atmosphere of the surrounding forests, Turner's writing immerses readers in a world filled with beauty, danger, and uncertainty.

Moreover, Gloria is populated by a cast of characters as complex and multifaceted as the town itself. From the enigmatic Gloria to the town's quirky residents, each character is rendered with depth and nuance, their motivations and desires driving the narrative forward. Turner deftly explores themes of love, betrayal, and redemption through the interactions of these characters, weaving a web of relationships that adds depth and complexity to the story.

As the plot unfolds, Turner masterfully builds suspense, leading readers on a journey of discovery as they uncover the secrets hidden beneath the surface of Gloria's seemingly idyllic existence. With each twist and turn, the tension mounts, culminating in a gripping climax that leaves readers breathless and eager for more.

In conclusion, Gloria is a literary tour de force that captivates readers with its compelling narrative, intriguing characters, and atmospheric setting. G. Frederic Turner's masterful storytelling transports readers to a world filled with mystery and suspense, where nothing is as it seems and every revelation only deepens the intrigue. With its blend of suspense, romance, and psychological depth, Gloria is a must-read for anyone seeking an unforgettable literary experience.

G. Frederic Turner's Gloria is available in Amazon in paperback 18.99$ and hardcover24.99$ editions.

Number of pages: 432

Language: English

Rating: 9/10                                           

Link of the book!

Review By: King's Cat

[randik-86]

I stare at the ceiling,

Thoughts of you rush into my mind,

I start to imagine your fingers running down my legs,

Your teeth nibbling at my breasts,

Feeling the warmth of your breath on my skin,

I moan when exhilaration hits me,

I am overwhelmed just thinking about it,

I am soaked in the ecstasy of the provocation,

Of having the weight of your body on top of mine,

Awaiting for the day for you to possess me...

©️randik86

[foggyparadisecandy]

[TW: dark shit ahead]

Ok - another venting post - disregard - go read one of my horny hypno stories or a trance instead lol

Click here for trances

We all have our stories to tell. I don't think mine is horrible tbh but ... that's probably because I survived it and learned to minimalize it - like all survivors do.

"It's ok" "It's fine" "I'm ok" "Oh it wasn't that bad"

My therapist has assured me none of those things are true lol

My child mind couldn't process it and so I just learned patterns and behaviors to accept it in as my reality.

I had a loving healthy family up until I was 8 years old.

My mom had a horrible life-altering health scare - was taken away to the hospital by paramedics in the middle of the night - one of my last few memories from my childhood. My dad stood sobbing - the last time I saw an emotion from him that wasn't anger.

My younger bro and I were shuttled between relatives for a period of time - no idea how long - weeks? months? no clue

We were taken in to the hospital to see my mom at some point - banged up - shaved head - looking creepy as hell to our young eyes.

And ... this was horrific to me ... she told us - I'm sure it was based in kindness to prepare us - that she was given a year to live.

Well ... good news ... she lived a lot longer than that.

Bad news is she was horribly damaged from the brain injury and subsequent trauma of the life-altering experience. To compound things, my dad turned to drinking heavily and escaping us all in the bottom of a bottle.

I never again felt my father's love.

And my mom was mixed at best. Up and down. I would say somewhere along the lines she developed bipolar disorder - manic and depressive.

She would love us obsessively. She would threaten to kill us. I was always the one who had to walk her off the ledge - telling her I'm sorry we were bad kids. Telling her I'm sorry we upset her. Telling her we would be good from now on. Telling her we wanted to live.

She would bend over backwards to make us feel good. She would threaten to burn the house down while we were sleeping. Well ... how the fuck do you sleep well at night with that information? Gee mom ... that sounds awful. Will you please not do that? I slept with one eye open until finally I just accepted it - I could die at any moment because my mom was a nut.

She taught me to shoplift. When I got caught, she threw me under the bus and told the security guard that I was a problem child. HAHAHA ... I was a goody two shoes child. Having my mother tell a stranger I was a problem was quite a thing to hear. She apologized after and told me to never shoplift again. Fuck that. I kept stealing shit until I was in my late teens. I WANTED TO GET CAUGHT AND PUNISHED.

So yeah ... I know other people have had it hard. And honestly ... I really never felt it was challenging. I just learned to feel bad and anxious all the time. I learned that I was never good enough and things were always uncertain. Loved ones hurt you.

I know a lot of people who have learned that lesson in different ways.

I can identify hurt people instinctively. I gravitate to them. I've always been attracted to them.

Especially hurt women. I want to nurture them, comfort them, love them, care for them, help them, fix them, support them - just like I learned to do with my fucked up mom. It's no wonder my parting with my lovely pet was so difficult.

And I learned to not express emotions. I learned to be the stoic one. The problem solver. But ... I'm not really stoic at all. I love with a burning intensity - desperate to care and take care of others - especially hurt women. I invest my emotional well-being in this activity.

I don't love ALL women. But if I love you, I FUCKING LOVE YOU. And I know that's a blend between nice and awful tbh. I can drown people in love. Uncharitable sorts might say I love bomb people but I don't do it with ill intentions. I do it because it's my damage. And it's unhealthy for me.

Ugh.

Knowing these things is only partially helpful. I need to address them, sort them, heal them as best as I can, identify when I fall into unhealthy patterns, and ... grow ... somehow.

Whatever. This is why I'm seeing a therapist. To sort through all this horrible horrible horrible shit.

I need to do it. I'm motivated to do it. I'm sick of being insecure and depressed all the time. With the darkness always at the corner of my mind telling me I'm a piece of shit no matter how much love I try to put out in the world. No matter how much I achieve.

Fuck. Parents fucking suck.

It took me decades to be ok with not loving my dad - feeling obligated to love that mother fucker. He abandoned us to alcohol. He fucking gave up on us because he was a coward and afraid to face the challenges we had. WE NEEDED THAT FUCKER AND HE RAN!

FUCK. No wonder I have abandonment issues. My ex KNEW THIS SHIT. God was she so awful in the end. She had her own shit she was dealing with. I forgive her 100% but it was still so fucking cruel of her.

Ah well. Working on it.

[etoilenabeerie]

Dark Secrets Update 12/18/2023