mrsnotyours

[mrsnotyours]

Lazy Sunday mornings together..

[mrsnotyours]

Truth

“Loving you was like going to war, I never came back the same.”

— Warsan Shire

[mrsnotyours]

I hope the significance of my absence fills the space where I once was in your heart. I hope it gives you the peace that my presence never did.

[mrsnotyours]

//you//

In life, there are things we say, and things we do not say. The things we say are through the filtered lens of emotional protections and self-preservations. The things we don't say, are the things that can keep us up at night, the things that eat us alive, the things we dare not utter aloud in the name of keeping our deepest, darkest, and most daring thoughts tucked neatly away in the smallest corner of our minds.

For me, that thought I won't say aloud, that thing that can never be spoken of, is how I really feel about ...

you.

[mrsnotyours]

And you did.

[mrsnotyours]

the hardest thing I've ever had to quit,

is you.

[mrsnotyours]

Another horrendous night of waking up not being able to breathe, all while having asthma attacks. So not only do my nostrils feel like they've been stuffed with nine-inch dicks, but my throat is literally taking a dick at the same time so there are literally no options for breathing left in my body's arsenal. This is one of the many, MANY reasons that I would love to move somewhere warm. It's been in the -40's C for over a month now and I can't take this frozen tundra of hell anymore. My skin becomes like a scaly fish in the winter months, my depression and anxiety are at an all-time high, and I can't get enough work because my work is outdoors (also looping in with financial depression being crippling). My chronic pain also flares up during the winter like it's going to war with me, my asthma and allergies are intolerable and insufferable, and I can't wear anything nice. I am literally confined to looking like a skater boy from the 80's in sweatshirts and sweatpants 24/7, since the weather does not allow for any sort of dress or "cute" tops or thin leggings. My piece of shit boiler just seizes up at some point, so we are sitting around with the oven on, and it's almost impossible to do anything outdoors, let alone go for any sort of leisurely walk. I hate the cold, I hate being cold, and if there is one thing in life I could change, it's where I live.

[mrsnotyours]

Every day.

I was so damn in love with you that even when you made me cry, I tried to understand you. Even when you hurt me, I tried to understand why.

[mrsnotyours]

//poetry is you

The pain, the burning embers left ashen in the space where my heart used to be. The sadness, the fallen ends of my lips that used to turn upwards to the sky. The heaviness, your words a firestorm of malice and evil intention meant to tear even the strongest apart. Your hands, wrapped around my

neck.

In every waking moment I feel you. In every word I write, in every touch that's not mine, in every single breath.

//I inhale you, and your poetry

[mrsnotyours]

I never knew what it was like to love someone so much

That you hated even the sound of their name.

[mrsnotyours]

What it's like with you

You touch me and suddenly I feel a little less war torn. I'm not sure what peace is supposed to feel like but I think it may feel a lot like you.

[mrsnotyours]

I like the pain

Because something inside me tells me I deserve it.

Caricias...

[mrsnotyours]

The truth.

It may seem like I don't love you and that I'm okay without you, but the truth is, inside my heart, every time I hurt you, I feel heartbroken. The pain is too much to describe. The more I see you sad, the more I break down. I try to erase the days and erase the memories of when we were in love, but it just can't be done. It's torture when you cry. The more you're hurt, the weaker my heart becomes.

I try not to love you, holding back my tears while saying goodbye, but I could never do it for real.

[mrsnotyours]

I want you.

[mrsnotyours]

// I can't breathe//

My son got me a George Floyd sticker for Christmas that says "I can't breathe" as a gag gift, and it couldn't be truer. I really can't. Another sleepless night due to my God forsaken sinuses and allergies. Like FUCK. Isn't it everyone's dream to wake up gasping for breath every few minutes? This is insane. I have tried literally everything to placate these issues, including having a hellacious sinus surgery with a recovery that was akin to that of mid-century torture. Yet still, most days I barely have a pin hole for an airway in my nostrils... if I am lucky. Then there is the constant and steady surplus of mucus and snot. Fun for the whole family I say, and uber attractive for my husband too. As I sit here writing, I am sucking on my asthma inhaler like a strawberry vape, and I have a Kleenex wedged up in one of my nostrils to try to stop the raging nosebleed that started as soon as I woke up.

ANYWAY. I am pretty exhausted with being exhausted due to these issues, coupled with my stupid chronic pain issues. Sleep is non-existent and I consider it an achievement to sleep for an hour uninterrupted these days. My days are riddled with piles of Kleenex, the struggle to breathe, the searing headaches, buckets of snot, expensive inhalers that I can't even afford at the moment, and pills on pills on pills, most of which don't do a damn thing to alleviate any of my allergies or pain. It is a miserable existence. I know I should be GRATEFUL for everything I have in life, because I know that there are people worse off than me, but sometimes .... sometimes I think I would be better off dead.

[mrsnotyours]

//My Master Goal List of 2025//

Just like Pokemon Go, I shall conquer them all.

*Drink at least 6 cups of water, every day

*Quit Vaping (it's rotten and stupidly expensive)

*Cut back to one small Red Bull a day (your heart can't take it)

*Stay on top of work communication and editing (stick to a 2 week turnaround time on all work)

*Cook even MORE at home and keep fast food meals to twice a month MAX

*Workout in some way or another at LEAST 3X a week (It could be going for a walk/dancing/hardcore cleaning, etc)

*Create a budget and stick to it

*Purchase a new computer and primary work equipment

*Save for the winter months/Emergency fund ($10 K)

*Book more events for 2026 (at least 10)

*Savagely and RUTHLESSLY purge the items in my home and closet (Get rid of things that have no use, or are not being used)

*Clean my backyard (BBQ's and nights by the fire would be so nice)

*Create healthy boundaries and work towards a healthier relationship with my mother

*Get my children into colleages/workplaces that make them happy and productive

*Spend more time in the present and off of my phone

*Spend more quality time with my husband and work on intimacy and communication

*Deep clean at least one thing in my home every day

*Keep my room super clean (clean it at least once a week)

*Keep up with the laundry (Create a schedule that works for everyone)

*Create a social media schedule and stick to it

*Take more time off for family events, family time and date nights (even if they have to be scheduled)

*Take on at least 5 Creative work projects that will fuel growth and business

*Get really good winter tires for my car

*Take my puppers for a short walk every morning

*Keep on top of grooming my puppers at least once a night

*Pray every day before bed

*Start sewing and use my sewing machine that is now collecting dust

[mrsnotyours]

How I feel about you

No other word makes my mouth as tender as your name.