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[my-head-was-exploding-blog]

Day 4

I'm seeing someone right now...

I guess...

Neither of us really know what we're doing at the moment.

It's nice. We kiss and cuddle and talk about a lot of things.

Though I haven't told him about the events of Day 3. Not fully.

But with him I somehow forget about everything bad in my life.

He makes me smile.

It's not really crush and neither am I in love with him already.

But I like him. A lot.

We text each other everyday. Most of the time during school hours.

We try to meet as often as possible though school and other appointments make that rather difficult.

For me this is some kind of healing process after some bad experiences and it makes me feel comfortable in relationships again.

[my-head-was-exploding-blog]

Day 3

This happened a long time ago. It took me a long time to be ready to talk about this but I think I should. While I was on a party... well more like a small get together in a local park I was drinking more than I probably should have and we smoked more than one joint that night. While I was intoxicated I talked to a girl I met mere hours ago. Further away from the rest of our friends she kissed me. Due to my state it escalated rather quickly and in the cover of the dark and the nearby trees we had sex. Nothing really special seeing how we both weren't fully there but we did. During my intoxication I didn't notice how uncomfortable and digusted I felt. I didnt enjoy it. But I didn't want to say anything against it. The next day she texted me to meet her again and in her flat we slept together another time. This time clear in the head I noticed how she didn't listen to what I said I liked, what I didn't enjoy, and what she wasn't allowed to do to my body. She didn't listen. It felt wrong and disgusting and it... it hurt. A lot. But I felt like I wasn't allowed to revoke consent. So I let it happen. I tried to please her. I willed myself to enjoy it. A few weeks later while we were at the same park after a few drinks and a little weed I was talking to a friend when the same girl came up and started touching me inappropriately. Again I felt disgusted. Wrong. Cheap. Even weirder was how she told my friend before that day that she thought I was disgusting and how she couldn't believe she did anything with me. I don't regret what happened. Still I would change it if I could. It was a thing I now consider somehow a lesson. Now I know consent is something I am and always was allowed to revoke. I won't let her destroy my life or my sexual experiences. I am my own person and she won't haunt or control me

[my-head-was-exploding-blog]

Day 2

I get attached to people way too quickly. When I talk to someone new and I feel like they understand me because of similarities in our lives or personalities it jsut gpes click and I feel this deep emotional connection between us. This happens in mere minutes but they won't leave my mind for days or weeks. I have difficulties reading another person's face. I can't decipher their emotions they display on their face. Only the strongest seem readable for me. With this comes also the fact the ability to notice what people think about or of me is lacking aswell. And the fact I'm almost never sure if I'm really crushing on or person or if I just want to be friends with them. Feelings, my own and someone else's, are something I never learnt to handle well or at all. I will probably never know truly what someone thinks or me while we talk

[my-head-was-exploding-blog]

Day 1

A few days ago I told my mum about my gender. She took it well. She wants me to go to a gender therapist so I can feel more comfortable and express myself better.

I had a semi fight with my dad about some personal things. I don’t feel that good right now which makes me afraid of myself. When I dont feel good I get like really weird and pretty bad self destructive tendencies. Not like ‘punch that wall to break every bone in your hand’ thoughts. More like ‘you already got a headache from dehydration but dont drink that water next to you’ thoughts or ‘you already feel sick because you havent eaten enough but who needs food anyways?’ thoughts. Not so sure if these are better or worse than when I thought about punching something to hurt my hands and such. I dont know. Its gotten weirder since those started and I just realized how much they changed. Now its more see what happens than take actions to make it worse. But theyve also gotten like… a lot less frequent than before so thats that.

At least I got some people to talk to so that’s nice I guess.

I have tried to make myself be seen as the gender I feel that day by outsiders. Different clothes, perfumes, deodorants, and more but my voice and visible bumps and lack of make me uncomfortable. Like I only got a paper thin cover and everyone sees right through it. I’m not sure if these people see me how I want to be seen as or as what I was born like even if it doesn’t fit me right now.

It scares me.

[my-head-was-exploding-blog]

Day 0

Before I start this blog I want to give a quick description of what exactly I am doing here.

Whenever I feel bad about myself, my gender, my sexuality, just me in general I find it calming to write. Mostly I write fiction, small pieces that won’t ever be read by my fellow humans. But after considering this for a long time I came to the conclusion that writing my expiriences down might help even more.

Now the ‘Days’ my entries will be titled as aren’t literal days. A day can have multiple ‘Days’. A ‘Day’ is an incident of me doubting myself. Those incidents seem to last longer than the time they actually take up. More than seconds, more than minutes or hours. Days...

I guess it makes more sense when you’ve expierienced something like that. 

The first Day will be up soon.