my-nightmare-thoughts

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I should hate you. You beaten me and i had bruises. You played with my feelings. You betrayed me because you confessed your love after you broke up with me to my twin sister. You always treated me bad. You lied to me. You wanted to be friends after you broke up with me. Now I know you only wanted to fuck with me because after that you treated me like this. Like garbage. I should hate you because I had to go to hell for you. I went to hell in our so called "relationship" and after that. I should hate you but I don't. I hardly feel anything for you. I am happy that I have no contact with you anymore and delete all contactinformations and accounts from you. I only regret that I wasted my time to come over you because you wasn't worth to get my feelings.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

Sometimes I still think about you. I still find it sad that it ended. But I have to remember that you wanted that. You wanted to end our future. Nobody else. Only you. It was your decision. It wasn't my fault. You decided to break our relationship. You made the gab between us.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

It hurts to hear that you always hang around with two other girls. Are they important to you? Because I am clearly not which I can see in your different writing style. Are you already in a relationship with one of these girls? Although I should hate you because of what you did, it still affects me to hear and see that you have another woman by your side even when I don't know which relationship you have to them. It affects me because I still care. And because I care it hurts so much. I should let go of you but it is so complicated. Why do you text me when you have these girls? Why do you text me so often? Why do you want to play video games with me? Is it because they don't game and I am your second choice? Why do you want to walk with me and my dog? I see your profil picture with you and another girl like she is your girlfriend. It hurts but I ignore it. It hurts but a question remains because of that. The question why do you make contact with me when you have somebody else. You are so confusing. When you really want contact why you don't ask me to meet? And why don't you ask me to do something else when I say I don't want to game today? I have to realize that still you don't care for me like I wish you did. You only want to be friends. I know that. I know that my hopes which I had at the beginning would die but I thought I could expect to feeled cared as a friend. In the end I even don't feel cared as a friend. Maybe it is because I can't kill my feelings. Maybe it is the knowledge that my thoughts and feelings are unrequited. Maybe it is because you hurt me that much. So how can we be friends after all this?

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

Words can't fix what actions broke but an apology is the beginning to fix it.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

The truth is it still hurt to see you with someone else.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

They say women are difficult to understand but the truth is men are difficult to understand too.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I know it. I know it so well because it hurt so much. I know you don't love me. I know it. But it hurts that I see that I never was worth it because now you already have a new girlfriend.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I know it is stupid but I want an explaination why you suddenly don't love me.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I did everything. I tried to be normal and i think it worked. I tried to be friends with you and even when the atmosphere is strange and i don't believe we are friends, i think it worked to be a kind of friendship. I tried to ignore the pain you caused with your break up and the mean things and it worked so far that i'm only broken at the inside now. I don't release feelings at the outside anymore so often. I only cry at nights. The only thing which didn't work was to forgive you and forget the things you have done. And now I should take any more initative? I said to you that you can meet me when you write me in private chat and not at group chat anymore. Since that you don't make any contacts at all. I take the initative to say we could see us and that you have to write because you have less time. I can't make any more initative because I know deep in my heart you don't want to see me that's why you don't write. You only want to see my sister and I don't release to anybody that it hurts. It hurts that you don't want to see me. It hurts that you don't make the initative. It hurts that I am unimportant to you. It hurts that you only wants to see my sister even when she is your best friend. It hurts that I am less important as a friend. It hurts that you don't write. It hurts that you write so many with my sister. It hurts that you write heart emoji with her although I am not jealous at all because I know that she is your best friend. It hurts to feel that the atmosphere is strange between us. It hurts to see that the future I dreamed of, to be with you, gets eliminated. The reality that we don't have a relationship anymore hurts so much, although I know it is over and can't be the same again. I wished that we had tried it as a couple again. I wished we had talked about our problems. I wished that I was good enough. I wished you would love me. But altough you didn't say you don't love me, it is obvious. It is obvious that my feelings aren't important. It is obvious that you don't want to see me. It is obvious that you don't care for me. It is obvious that i am less as a friend. It is obvious that you don't try to get in a relationship again because you don't love me which hurts. It is obvious that you don't make initiative at all. And with this I can't make any more step towards you. I can't make any more initative.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

And like always I am only your secound choice.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. But I think I don't deserve to be treat like this. So cruel. So cold. I think I don't deserve to get treated if I'm unimportant and unloveable. I know that I am not important for you and I'm not sure if I was but I know nobodys feelings are unimportant even my feelings. I know I have the right to feel important. The right to feel loved. I care too much about the situation. I care too much at all. But it is logical to be sad. It is logical to be broken. It is logical to feel hurt. You take everthing from me. You take our relationship. You take my relationship to my sister. You take my heart. You take my hapiness. You take the thoughts to be loveable. You take the thoughts that anybody can love me. You take the hope. The only thing which remains are tears. Tears of pain. Tears of hopelessness. Tears of loneliness. Tears of emptyness. Tears of brokenness. Tears of sadness. Tears of unrequited thoughts. Tears of selfhate because I can't stop to feel. Tears because nothing is good enough. Tears because my life is crap. What should I do?

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

It makes me sad to see the future we could have. A future which will never be true because you broke up with me.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

We have contact now even after the break up and the bad things you have done to me. But although there is contact, I don't feel like we are friends. I am less integrate and less important to feel as a friend of yours.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I could die and you still wouldn't care.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

I do my best to accept the pain. I do my best to ignore all bad things which you caused. I do my best to came along with you. And you still don't care for me. You only care for other. Why am I so unimportant to you?

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

The pain always remains in form of scars. Only because we cannot see them, doesn’t mean that they aren’t there anymore.

[my-nightmare-thoughts]

Why have humans feelings? Most feelings are negative but all feelings are so intense. That's why they cause so much pain. I can feel every single pain. I can feel it deep in my heart like stab wounds. I wish I can burn the negative feelings. I wish I can free myself from the pain.