mylesw272

[mylesw272]

They say that healing on your own is the toughest journey, to not distract yourself, to sit alone with your grief. To feel it flow through you, to have every emotion truly felt, and not passively acknowledged. What are your thoughts on this?

I’ve heard people say that before. It’s one of those tough things that make more sense when you do it, I think.

I tried distracting myself from feelings but deep down they are the reason for a lot of other things no matter what. I think it transforms from one feeling or action to another. For example, I’d do something “bad” to distract myself and wind up wondering “why am I like this?” It made me feel even worse. It felt as if something was wrong with me. It’s always going to be that elephant in the corner of the room until you look at it.

When I sat down and looked at every hurting part of myself, it made me realize that I wasn’t alone with it. I just felt that way. Someone said that grief is proof you loved a person or thing. I agree with that too. Being alone with the feelings can make it feel like I was closer to the lost one somehow, “i still feel them in my heart.”

I know it’s difficult but it’s worth a shot. No one is wrong for feeling a human emotion. It’s just how it’s handled that could be wrong, ignoring it can cause more pain than it’s worth. Talking about them with yourself or the universe or whatever can help it feel less bad, like their story is living through you.

If you’re grieving, it doesn’t always feel “better” per se but it gets less overwhelming sometimes when you’re not running from it. Some people just don’t know that it will suck and that’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to just focus on becoming the best version of yourself that is left when tragic things happen.

I would suggest to anyone grieving to take your time with whatever you choose to do. Don’t rush the healing. It’s going to take some time. Sometimes I just want to be so sad. There are going to be bad days but it’s so nice to allow yourself to feel. To take a long shower and sob until it feels out of your system for the day. Don’t judge yourself, things are different. When it feels so bad it’s nice to do your version of self care like sleep for a bit, care for yourself gently, good food and comforting actions.

With my dad’s birthday coming up and the holidays passing, I know he’s been gone for a while now but grief has no sense of time. I try to cherish every moment with everything now, I was so excited for tomorrow and trying to get away from the past that I didn’t enjoy every moment in the present with some people. It’s a lesson for me to spend a little more time with those I love and remember to say “I love you” even when it feels awkward.

If you lost anyone, I feel for you. I hope you’re able to find peace, a bit of comfort. I am open to have conversations about anything if anyone needs a listening ear though. :)

Also,

Thanks for the question. I really appreciate that you thought I could answer that. I hope I did an okay job. :)

[mylesw272]

I used to not have a good relationship with my family, especially my mother. I had some childhood trauma that I didn’t understand and it wasn’t her fault, I wrongfully blamed her. I had to do a lot of work to get through all that. I’m still working on some things but Im getting better. I talk to my family more than ever, it’s healthier because I learned to not only speak up for myself but to be authentic.

Everyday is worth the fight to better myself and the world around me. After I watched a video on visualization, I did a half hour mediation. It made me want to tear up honestly, I hold onto everything so tightly because of fear. Even if it’s hurting me in the long run, fear doesn’t change anything, it just makes things more difficult. It’s like the thing I’m trying to avoid is the thing I’m attracting more.

I’m feeling more at peace and more free than I was a few years ago. I feel as if I can finally be myself, I barely know who that is yet. I learned recently that people are going to feel what they feel. I can’t change it, maybe I can try to force a change but why be around people I have to change or create to be the version they are in my head? I can only control and focus on my actions, at first that was scary, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. My cat and I are good, so are most things. That’s all I can hope for.

Song of the day for me is Say Less by Akintoye. I heard about this guy from social media. I like the motivational message of doing more actions than always talking about things. “Face to face with a better me, he say do more say less”. It’s a lesson I’m learning honestly.

I took a day off and just spent some time with my family. I am more passion about the degree I chose so now I just have to buckle down and get a good routine in order. Work isn’t too bad when I think about how I prayed for something like this when I was struggling. One day, I’ll look back and miss the simplicity of life right now. I think I was getting stuck in a toxic mental cycle and I lost sight of the goal. I have to remember my why: I do this to change a life, even if it’s just my own right now, I hope I can do something good. I used to believe that there was something so wrong with me. That I would never be good enough for unconditional love. I realized I was looking for the outside world to change first when it was something internal. When I extend myself some grace, stop being my biggest critic and do more things in the world. I’m not that bad actually.

Life is so good. I have to remember that.

[mylesw272]

Today’s 1/11.

I think thats such a cool date. I’m hoping something really good happens today. I know that since I woke up today it’s already pretty good.

Honestly I’ve been stressed out lately, work seems to take all my time and energy. When I am off, I feel pretty lost. I’ve been trying to think differently. I watched a lot of motivational videos and other types of self help content, the number one theme is about believing. I don’t believe in myself enough at times, I get so overwhelmed with the thought of my goals. To become the best version of myself I have to destroy the current version of myself. I’ve been hyped up for this process. I know it’s about the journey and not the destination.

Everyday, I write out my gratitude list. I know that’s the number one way to live a better life. The list doesn’t change much, I usually write:

1. God

2. Health

3. Loved ones

4. Hard work

5. Home

When I focus on these things, it helps me get inspired. When I wake up in the morning and it’s hard to get out of the bed, I mentally go through these things.

A few years ago, I was in a real bad spot. I had to move out at 18, then I lost my first apartment and my job during the pandemic. I had to start over, thankfully I had a lot of support from my loved ones and I never gave up. I got really into building better routines and habits, I read 100 different self help, autobiographies, and nonficticton books. I learned that I really had to buckle down, work hard and be patience. I did this for a few years and it lead I was able to get a better apartment and job.

I’m sure I’ve said it before that life is good. Things change for better or worse all the time. It does have a lot to do with perspective for me. There’s a lot of days where I wake up and just have a bad day. Nothing seems to makes it better and everything makes it worse. Sometimes the tiniest thing like seeing my cat greet me at the door can make life worth living again. It’s weird how the brain works. Everything happens for a reason, a lot of things are just lessons.

I recently have had to take a social step back, I love people but my job has made me so angry and stressed that I’ve been so mean. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would say I’m just a mean person. I try not to be, it’s a goal of mine to be kinder. To do that, I have to not over extend myself. I people please like it’s a sport. I always want to make someone else happy because it’s easier to listen to others than myself and God. I talk too much about things that I should act upon. That’s okay, I have learned that when I write my thoughts down it’s more helpful and organized. I’ve been journaling for a few years now I have about 8 different bullet journals full, not counting workbooks or little random notebooks. I get lost in writing, I realized I have a real passion for it. Sometimes I wish I was into numbers or coding or something easier to get into a career with. The best things are on the other side of hard though.

The song I’ve been listening to today is Saturdays by Twin Shadow and HAIM.

This came out in 2018, I think that’s the first time I heard it too. I like the meaning, he talks about remembering the times you’ve had control of things.

Sometimes I feel like I never have control, I’m flowing through this life. But I know that life is series of choices, I have to get out of autopilot and I choose differently. I have to be in the present moment to change the habits of the past and impact a different future.

One time I was asked where do I see myself in the future. I replied that I see myself making a difference, supporting my family (my mom, my siblings, maybe a spouse and some children). I will be the greatest version of myself one day soon, all the hard work isn’t for no reason. I hope to be remembered for something nice, if not that’s cool too. It’s always good to dream big and remembering the why. This year I changed my major and university, I hope this is a step in a more fulfilling direction. Wish me luck!

I know I haven’t blogged in a minute, I feel like I don’t have anything interesting to say but it’s worth the shot. Thanks again to those who have read any of that haha.

[mylesw272]

A few months ago, I got this really good deep tissue massage and the person walked on my back. I wish it was deeper steps but it was a good experience. I think about getting another from time to time.

Good day today, I went to the gym, then to an appointment, walked the dog, showered. Honestly, afterwards I was in a bit of slump, I ended up taking a very long nap. I’m feeling a bit stagnant about life, sometimes I just don’t know what to do next. I know life is about figuring out and recreating myself. I usually just have to get a pen and paper to plan. It’s just tiring work. I have to remember to not be so hard on myself without getting lazy. I have to find a good middle to everything.

When Telefone the album by Noname came out in 2016, it was one of the first albums I would listen to beginning to end on repeat. I really liked the cover art on it and I was introduced to her off a few Chance the Rapper features. Honestly, she has a lot of good features on her albums like Saba and Smino. Ever since, I’ve been following her journey from Room 25 to Sundial. She has a lot of very deep lyrics about various topics and even is a bit conversational.

If I had to pick one of my all time favorites it would be Reality Check by Noname.

A lot of the heart filled lyrics on this from that are also storytelling to the hook and ending. She talks about being stuck making her album, taking the opportunities given to her and more. When I feel stuck like today, I think about some of these words.

Life is good, it’s hard work to maintain a good life but it’s worth it.

[mylesw272]

I wrote up some drafts each day but I just didn’t like them. The grumpiness I was experiencing was turning into something more. It made me realize, I really had to take some time to relax. I went to bed way earlier last night and slept in. I have no important outside events so I’ve preparing for next week. I’m pretty sure the laundry and homework I’ve been saving for today is calling my name. I noticed by the end of the day, I’m thinking of sleep no matter what.I’m starting to just choose what’s most important and try to start the day off with that. Not saying I won’t try other things, it’s just bonus points if I do complete it. In the past, I was expecting myself to finish a full to do list everyday. That only makes more tasks appear or I wouldn’t feel successful enough. I’m now making time for what’s really important to me. Not everything deserves my attention, some tasks won’t get ever done and that’s okay.

One of these nights, I was struggling to sleep so I started listening to a music mix. I was awaken by something and when I was up, Dunno by Mac Miller played.

I was caught by the lyrics, “wouldn’t you rather get along?”and “I think we just might be alright”. There was this good feeling I felt about hearing this at two in the morning for the first time. I didn’t take this as a break up song at first, I was thinking of it very vague. But it’s a bittersweet song, Mac Miller’s voice is so calming and he has had a lot of lyrics that have made me think.

[mylesw272]

Started the day at 5am, I actually got a good amount of sleep last night. I was running late again, I’m usually pretty early to sit in the parking lot. It’s okay I’ll try again bright and early tomorrow.

Allergy season has been kicking me lately. Sometimes I feel like such a grumpy old man. Everything in life starts to feel like too much and I just want to be left alone. It’s no one’s fault, maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or it’s the full moon. There is no way to rid myself of everything “bad” so all I can do is my best to manage life with them. I don’t want to be full of negativity anymore so I’m choosing to let go. I need to keep track of my triggers and keep learning what to do in high pressure situations. If not that then, at least I’ll know when to admit when I am wrong. Change starts with my mind and how aware I am of my habits.

It’s only me vs me, before I used to think it was me against the world. I’ve noticed things do work out in my favor when I do the right things. I just need to find the balance in being alone to work on myself and still reaching out to my loved ones. I used to not be able to be alone too long without being lonely. I felt very lost when it came to who I was as a person, I thought I needed people to tell me who I was. I now know that I have to show people who I am, I’m the creator of that.

When I thought about shaving my head, I was so nervous that no one would like it or I would be judged. Ever since I did it though, a lot of people are usually shocked but say nothing bad I think. There are a lot of close friends and family who I haven’t personally told about my transition. I do want to be more open and honest about this journey to everyone. Most have told me I look more masc, I noticed the long hair before didn’t really helped me pass to strangers. Now most places I get hit with “sir” etc. I am starting to agree when people say that hair keeps trauma and energy. I feel like a new person with this look, not a lot of people recognized me the first few days. I never thought I would get to start passing so soon to be honest and I’m a bit shocked too. It took three barbers and a lot of advice but I think it worked out great.

I’m thinking about Yes I’m Changing by Tame Impala right now.

I used to listen to this one in high school when a good friend showed me this band and similar people in the genre. The title speaks for itself, I like the lyrics and instrumentals. Something about this just makes me feel real good, I like to blast it and close my eyes. It gives me hope that there’s room for growth, I won’t be this young forever. That’s a scary and calming thought all in one.

[mylesw272]

When I start my playlist I start to think “who put this together? I like thiss!”

Today I woke up really late for my chiropractor appointment. I’ve been so tired recently, I think I’m in a lot of sleep debt. I like this doctor more than other ones and I’ve been able to stay more constant. In my opinion, there have been some improvements in my posture, pain and confidence. Afterwards I took a long shower, folded laundry and headed in to start the work week. It was a successful day honestly.

Sometimes I get stuck in my head about past experiences and future goals. But I know I have to go be in the present moment more to really experience everything. I’ve been trying out meditation on and off for a few years but it’s one of the hardest habits for me to keep. Something about it just freaks me out. I’m slowly getting over that. While driving today, I started to realize I’m in the middle of what I’ve always wanted in life as a child. I’m free to be myself, stable, achieving goals and I’m happy about that. I mean, I’m always hungry for more and I have my regrets. Not everything is perfect but I am grateful to attempt the things I’ve always wanted too.

I recently heard for the first time “Should’ve Been Me” by Mitski.

I really like the instrumental on this, it’s kind of fast and upbeat. When I looked up the lyrics, the artist says it’s about forgiving others to be forgiven. According to what I understood, she was cheated on but later she understood where she was also wrong in the relationship. I’ve done a lot of wrong in a lot of areas and have been hurt so I can relate. I know hurt people hurt people but heal people heal others as well. I’m trying to be a healer in this world. I hope I can be forgiven by those I’ve wronged in big or small ways. Everyday I’m trying to turn over a new leaf, improving myself, be a kinder better person. It’s hard work but I believe it can be done and it’s worth the work.

Thanks to everyone who ever believed in my writing skills and came along for the journey. I’m excited to finally put myself out there. I’m always on the lookout for some new music so I’m open to suggestions.

[mylesw272]

Today I stopped at the grocery store to get stocked up for the week. Then I took care of the house, completed some tasks and wrote some things down on paper. This is my only real day off this week so I felt busier today than usual. Life is always moving, it felt like the beginning of the year just yesterday. In January and February, I was in a different headspace but now I’m in at a more comfortable point. I can see a lot of good in change. This year has been one of my best so far, I’m hopeful for the future.

Once I was told to try to be more intentional with my actions. I’m starting with focusing on my routines. I want to get on something close to the perfect start and end of the day habits. I've been testing it out different things like doing my hardest tasks first. For example, I’ve been going on a walk or to the gym. I try to do something like skin care, right before the end of the day. At least once a week, I draw up a quick weekly guide to help me organize my time. This is give or take most days, but as long as I do one thing it counts.

I adopted a dog a few months back. To be honest, he’s pretty young so sometimes I struggle with basically raising a baby animal. I just keep having to remind myself to be patient and kind. He’s just a baby. He doesn’t know any better. My first few pets were difficult too at first. It’s all a part of the process. I just hope to be a good pet parent or at least attempt at it. I doubt myself too much maybe.

This reminds me of the song Messy by Lola Young, I recently heard this one.

It has been making me rethink both sides of the parent and child relationship. Especially what spot I have played in the past and where I stand today.

[mylesw272]

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop.”

— Confucius

[mylesw272]

Hey there, this is my attempt at a blog. This is kind of new for me so something about all this makes me nervously excited. I want to be able to share my truth and maybe that’ll lead to helping someone.

A bit more about me: I’m currently in my 20s, part time college student for psychology but I’ve been debating changing my major recently. I love self development and improving my mental health but the end goal for me is to be a successful writer, free of stress and stable you know? Whatever that looks like haha. I work full time in a warehouse so I’m really trying to find the balance in all of it. I’m currently one year on hormone replacement therapy (ftm), it feels good to be I’m coming into myself. I adopted a cat a few years ago and she’s pretty cool.

I’m open to questions about things, comments on how I could improve on things or anything really.

I think that’s all for now but I’ll leave with a song. I used to listen to this album on SoundCloud in high school all the time. The first track really stayed with me throughout the years, it’s the first song I saved to my liked songs on Spotify. I’m not sad nor is it my birthday but this is like the birth of something new I hope.