newlondohollow

[newlondohollow]

Someone report this man for emotional abuse ts instant i cant bear it anymore. (Peak associations btw..)

random Mitski songs this time as Dark Souls characters, because again i'm bored:

Remember My Name - Lucatiel, Nameless King and Solaire

Jobless Monday - Vendrick, Lost Sinner and Lothric

Me and My Husband - Anri

Your Best American Girl - Gwyndolin

Nobody - Priscilla and Yhorm

Cop Car - Navlaan

Working for the Knife - Gwyn

Crack Baby - Lothric and Sulyvahn (Painted World era)

A Burning Hill - Ariandel and Lost Sinner

Geyser - Alsanna

My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars - Aldia and Nameless King

[newlondohollow]

PREACH !!!!

yk i don't really like how Melkor is often depicted as a hyper masculine man in many fanarts like

HE'S ELF-LOOKING, HE'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK ANDROGYNOUS🗣️🗣️📣📣📣

[newlondohollow]

Sigh its either you end me with these one day or i end you first. (/j ily and your devious angsts)

random Mitski songs as Silmarillion characters because i'm bored:

My Love Mine all Mine - Manwë and Varda

First Love/Late Spring - Túrin Turambar

Carry me out - Maedhros and Hùrin

Crack Baby - Maeglin

Working for the Knife - Melkor and Aulë

Star - Thingol and Melian

I Will - Beren and Lùthien

Remember my Name - Fëanor

A Burning Hill - Arien and Hùrin

Cop Car - Sauron

[newlondohollow]

go(th)rthaur mention!!

basically

[newlondohollow]

And for today's sorrowful episode of "Rants Utterly Unrelated To The Topic Of My Blog" we haveeeeeee him.

The man the myth the legend Dante Alighieri, specifically the topic of this ramble will be the people of the FUCKASS app that is tiktok taking their education from teen titans go parody episodes and refusing to let their crusty oily fingers caress the shummery plasticized pages of a school book.

What have they done you might ask? They have the NERVE to accuse Dante of emotionally cheating on his wife Gemma Donati. LIKE YEAH OBVIOUSLY??? WE WERE ALL VERY AWARE?? These people CANNOT be this dense to not be able to comprehend that all marriages in the 13-14th century were forced and arranged, BOTH.THE.BRIDE.AND.GROOM.WERE. FORCED TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS. BOTH.

Appying the concept of emotional cheating on people from the middle ages is deadass insane like are we being for real dude.

These tiktok "literates" and "bookworms" think theyre the shit and go throw shade on Dante and they completely ignore the fact that documents studied by scholars show that Dante's marriage with Gemma was arranged in 1277. WHEN DANTE WAS 12. TWELVE. AND GEMMA WAS EVEN YOUNGER. They were both victims of their time and families, blaming Dante for something the entire society he lived in is responsible for is such bullshit.

Tiktok airheads bring up Gemma's recently discovered letters and they use their 5 burnt up neurons to say that her writing went unrecognized because her husband overshadowed her. YOU CANT MAKE THIS UP BRO PLEASEEEEEEEE YEAH OBVIOUSLY SHE WASNT RECOGNIZED BECAUSE OF DANTE AND NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS A WOMAN IN THE MIDDLE AGES BIG DAWG.

Dont get me wrong those letters tear my heart apart, but i don't feel it right to blame Dante for not loving and not writing about someone he was, again, FORCED to marry and FUCKING REPRODUCE WITH.

Them tiktok imbeciles even dared to say Dante used Gemma for sex since they had 4 children and this baffles me. Did history become illegal? How hard can it be for these people to understand that in ANY period before the Industrial Revolution (and for a relatively large time after too) mortality rates for children where FAT as FUCK? Like actually humongous.

Couples were encouraged and basically dutybound to have as many children as possible because the chance of a good amount of them dying were extremely high, and having an heir back then was extremely important, expecially for rich families (both Gemma and Dante belonged to aristocratic families).

Im not gonna get into the medieval literature and tropes and Dolce Stilnovo talk because else ts would take me all night to write but yeah the last thing i wanna complain about is that SOME OF THE PEOPLE SPITTING THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT DANTE ARE ITALIAN. IN SCHOOL WE STUDY THIS FUCKER MORE THAN WE STUDY ANY POET EVER AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO FUCK UP THIS BAD?? THE MAN FROM THE MIDDLE AGES YOU'RE CALLING A MISOGINIST IS THE REASON WHY YOU'RE SPEAKING YOUR FOTTUTA LINGUA DI MERDA SO STOP SPEAKING IF YOU'RE GONNA SHADE HIM FOR NO REASON.

And the funniest thing is that Dante was actually progressive as fuck for his time period, claiming in his De Monarchia that he thought women deserved higher education too, and in fact he wrote that book (a sort of encyclopedia) claiming that he was writing it for all the people who, INCLUDING women, whom he explicitely mentioned as being part of his target audience, wanted to learn but couldn't through any other means.

Alright that wraps the crash out up, hope yall enjoyed seeing me flip out.

[newlondohollow]

IM CRYING everyone ts happened because i had the grievous idea of texting him "btw im once again building in am" </3

At first it meant Allied Mastercomputer, and then it meant Adaptive Manipulator, and later on it developed sentience and linked itself up and they called it an Aggressive Menace, but by then it was too late, and finally it called itself...

"Adopt me!"...

[newlondohollow]

I FUCKING HATE RINGS OF POWER

On fuckass adaptations (i like the castlevania anime) (heavy ranting below)

This is ASTRONOMICALLY random as it’s barely about Castlevania and more about something i normally don’t post about but I’ve been keeping this topic inside me for far far too long. 

I fucking despise, as much as i am humanly capable to bear pure hatred, Rings of Power. I always see people complaining about the “Netflixvania” adaptations being terrible, and I do agree that they’re not accurate to the games, but heavens gracious those people have NOT seen what an actual bad adaptation is like. Sure, Castlevania got an inaccurate adaptation, but at least the adaptation, considered as its own piece of media, is decent. good even. Not the greatest thing ever written or that I've ever seen but it was, objectively, well written and animated.

Unlike that jackass shit filled abhorrent abominacion by goddamn Amazon DestroyingArtPrime that is Rings of Power. I don’t mean to hate on people who enjoy it, not at all, but to those who do, I am begging you please raise your standards, honey you deserve better than that. So. So. SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER MAN.

Every single thing about that series pisses me off in ways I wasn't even aware I could be pissed off until my parents forced me to watch it with them because “well it’s lord of the rings!!”. I did enjoy spending time with them (though i was literally, physically coerced to do so) but i so fucking wish we had spent it watching something better cuz the whole experience was beyond frustrating. The fact that it no joke is the most expensive series ever made? Are we being for real?? One. Goddamn. Million. of dollars went into creating that fucking insult to not only Tolkien’s poor dead ass, but to cinema and the art of moviemaking itself. Every single scene is so obviously, clearly edited and oversaturated with after effects and I could count on one hand the scenes that were recorded without a greenscreen. The costumes seriously look like Halloween and Carnival props a single mom on a budget would buy to her kids and I’m not even exaggerating I so very mean it it’s true just LOOK AT THEM VRO SOME OF THEM HAVE PRINTS ON THEM PRINTSSSSSS THEYRE SO OBVIOUS AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HEAVILY INSPIRED BY MEDIEVAL CLOTHING DAWG I CAN'T DO THIIIIIIIIIIS. Do you think it ends there? NO IT FUCKING DOESNT IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE. If the visual aspects of it were the only thing bad about it i wouldn't be here dumping a textwall but good god merciful above the writing is genuinely enraging. Like its not just personal pet peeves or small stuff level of frustrating, no it’s ENRAGING. Every character is both incredibly arrogant and rude and fucking stupid, yes even the good guys, EXPECIALLY the good guys, actually. The plot is as compelling as one of Jeff Bezos’ shit stained ass hairs and the dialogue is so dogshit and senseless i dont even know how delusional and self centered you have to be to sit down, write that, hear it being acted out and think “ah yes this is a great script”, that goes for the making of the whole series as well.

I won't sit here and explain why exactly it all sucks as i said cuz there’s plenty of youtube videos that do so (sadly some of them are fucking filled with bigotry i want to shoot myself) and i will instead move on to what pisses me of the most.

Some lunatics are actually, seriously saying that RoP has the same vibes as Peter Jackson’s movies.

Yes the same movies that are considered a cinematic masterpiece and classic, the same movies that won awards over awards over awards, the same movies that inspired every single fantasy movie that came after them. I’m well aware they aren’t accurate to the books either, but again, like Castlevania’s first anime, they are GOOD. They are great in fact, and no one can say otherwise without being objectively wrong. That trilogy’s vibes will never ever be reached or equated again, for the very simple reason that art and passion are fucking withering away in today’s world. The costumes for that set of movies were hand manufactured and weathered by the actors themselves CLIMBING UP MOUNTAINS. The weapons used were REAL. REAL, METAL FORGED WEAPONS. VIGGO MORTENSEN ALMOST GOT AN ACTUAL DAGGER THROUGH HIS FACE BECAUSE THE ORC’S ACTOR MISSED. AND YES HE DID BREAK HIS TOE BECAUSE THE HELM HE KICKED WAS REAL, EVERYTHING THAT COULD BE REAL IN THOSE MOVIES WAS. BOOKS, MAPS, EVERYTHING. ALMOST EVERY SCENE OF LANDSCAPES WAS SHOT IN NEW ZEALAND, A REAL PLACE. 

Tolkien hated the idea of someone adapting his works, yet i am certain that if he would have seen the Peter Jackson movies, knowing that they were made out of sincere passion and love for his works and as a tribute to it and him, he would have appreciated them. He certainly is rolling in his grave because of RoP though. It’s not just bad, it's soulless. Completely hollow. Filled to the brim with sfx and fake props, even the musical score composed by the same composer who made the Lotr trilogy’s score just sounds plain, not because it’s bad but because it so clearly belongs to something better than that. RoP wasn’t made out of passion for Lotr it was made for mere profit. One of the directors fucking made fun of a Silmarillion fan who simply asked a question about the goddamn Fëanorian crest, in public, for everyone to see. Those people aren’t Tolkien fans, they're soulless evil corporate pigs, they’re everything Tolkien, and I personally, despised and despise. 

It genuinely makes me so sad that, as badly recieved as it was, many series and movies AND HELL EVEN BOOKS AND GAMES are eerily like RoP these days, the death of art we’re witnessing is soul crushing and concerning.

[newlondohollow]

Idek if Tolkien meant for people to empathize with Melkor or not but he for sure got ME to do so </3

chat why do i lowkey feel bad for morgoth??? why do i feel bad because him being evilness incarnated could never do good or feel love or be loved?? why do i feel bad because tolkien had to specify that morgoth lied to everyone even himself that he wanted to do good just like the others??? WHY DO I FEEL BAD FOR THE MOST EVIL CHARACTER IN TOLKIEN'S LITERATURE

[newlondohollow]

Absolute cinema!!

just yeah

[newlondohollow]

The pc port too!

me restlessly yearning and hoping that the soulless company that owns it to not completely forget about one of the best game franchises ever:

castlevania lament of innocence and curse of darkness modern console port tomorrow trust

[newlondohollow]

FUCKASS LLOYD I HATE HIS ASS

hot take(?), i think the whole "Gwyn is the one who banished his firstborn!!" is just people assuming stuff. afaik the game, even in the english version, never explicitely says that Nameless king was banished by Gwyn. the game actually gives you many clues that Nameless king was banished after Gwyn's sacrifice. for example:

in Artorias DLC (settled after Gwyn's death) we are in the Darkroot Garden in the past, and we know that in the Darkroot Garden we can see the Undead Burg from distance, where there is a broken statue of Gwyn's firstborn, but in the DLC there's no Undead Burg, that means it was built after Gwyn's death.

likely Lloyd was the one who banished him, like it's not even a theory or speculation it's just 99% confirmed, but people assumed that it was Gwyn just because hey!! he hates dragons and he is powerful!!

soo, Gwyn is bad but not that bad?? lol??

[newlondohollow]

SILMARILLION MENTION!! I love that bit of chapter sm lol

*The Silmarillion spoiler‼️*

Sauron: and then i decided to fight Huan and Lùthien by myself.

Morgoth: did you win?

Sauron: no but i gave her the whole ass settlement just to get spared

Morgoth: whateve- YOU WHAT

[newlondohollow]

finished((o(´∀｀)o))

[newlondohollow]

ramblings of a madman aka here is why (in my head) alucard trevor hector and isaac are the perfect representations of the four elements

Alucard ⟶ water

he is the unexplored and undiscovered, forever unknown; the glistening surface hiding vast dark depths; the storm of emotions beneath the calm and soothing exterior; the beauty and the deep sorrow. all of this also tying in with water being an extremely deadly force, possibly the most deadly of the four, that at the same time doesn't appear outwardly threatening (compared to fire, for example).

Trevor ⟶ earth

he is the grounded reason, reliability, strength and toughness in the most literal and physical sense; a rough exterior with a softer, warmer core; the distinct sense of stability and normalcy which feels unattainable for the other three. then there is the association with fertile ground (with trevor quite literally being the only one that had canonical offspring, continuing the belmont bloodline — the soil for life to bloom from), as well as the ground for settlement and building community (with trevor being the traditionally charismatic one, someone that has the ability to bring people together, as he did in dracula's curse).

Hector ⟶ air

he is the scattered identity; the constant restlessness, mild but prominent wandering of the mind; the longing for freedom; always distant and just slightly out of place, being everywhere while belonging nowhere; the fear of aimlessness and resignation; a subconscious need of a purpose, of something (or someone) to keep him grounded.

Isaac ⟶ fire

he is misguided passion and energy, the most outwardly destructive one that burns everything he touches; the intense love and equally intense hatred; the potential for something great twisted by overuse and overextension until it burned too hot and became uncontrollable. like hector he also is aimless, unable to fit in and settle down, but instead of smoothly flowing in and out of the space he temporarily occupies he either overwhelms and consumes it completely or gets stifled and dies out — he is hector's wandering without his gentleness and composure, swinging from one extreme to the other rather than seeking a balance point.

please dont ask i dont really know where this came from either

[newlondohollow]

#thank you so much! #also fair take!

Sooooo i finally gathered enough energy to post, and guess what will good ol me post about? NATURALLYYYY an obscure ass character i got hyperfixated on. because that's what normal people do. of course. Only this time it's not dark souls, so that's new!!

Enormous yapping sesh below this world-healing fanart by xemnas178!

I LOVE JOACHIM ARMSTER FROM CASTLEVANIA LAMENT OF INNOCENCE SO MUCH IM GONNA SOB I LOVE HIM IMEIUEIFJWUSYYWGD.

He's an example of how ergodic or semi ergodic literature (which i adore) can AND WILL make you briefly look at a character and go "aight cool" only to then gently nudge you into having the most shocking, boom vine sfx requiring, life altering, soul shattering series of realizations.

So, we learn from the official art book that Joachim was Walter's lieutenant, and that he was quote "lured" by him with the promise of eternal life. Joachim then tried to usurp Walter, which backfired awfully, and he now lies imprisoned in the Palace of Dark Waterfalls. Eventually Leon Belmont gets to him and Joachim acts all cool and cocky only to miserably die (as a bossfight i found him way easier than most of the other orb bosses).

That's pretty bland at first glance isn't it? Just your average foolish, prideful, comedic relief prick right? No, not at all. Here we go analyzing:

Joachim's model has a very young-looking face, looking even younger than Leon himself, and he also acts quite angsty teen like in his dialogues, which already adds something more to him.

The real kicker is that the devs left in the game a window to access the sounds (someone here on Tumblr made a post about it!) and they all have their little comments below them; Joachim's OST's comment reads:

"Melancholy Joachim

It's dangerous to be holding a knife, Joachim. Perhaps he is still just mentally young"

That post I mentioned commented perfectly on the "Melancholy Joachim" bit so I won't repeat what they said, I will instead focus on the two sentences that follow.

The first sentence sounds condescending, sarcastic, or alternatively it sounds like something you would tell a child. Perhaps it allegorically references Joachim's attempt at usurping Walter, and this sentence would be something Walter himself would tell him mockingly.

Meanwhile the second sentence seems like a repetition of "Joachim acts like a child" but the presence of the word "still" has us know that he doesn't just act like a teenager, he is one.

Or better said, he was one when Walter turned him, as we can presume by looking at his official art here (more yapping below it) that he's been in that cell for a WHILE.

However, his mental development was stunted by such egregious traumatic experiences, and thus he has the mind (and sort of looks) of a teenager.

All this certainly makes his character a lot more tragic, and now we can't even fault him for having been tempted by eternal life because, as old as he was, he probably didn't even understand the scale of the situation he was in, and what he was being offered.

We also know that Joachim, this goddam fucking teenager, was Walter's lieutenant. That fuckass ginger cunt had a teenager lead armies. ARMIES. ARMIES OF DEMONIC CREATURES BY THE WAY. Children being used in war is nothing alien to history of course, but obviously it still is undeniably very wrong and cruel both here and irl.

Nevertheless, could it be that Joachim, a child soldier burdened with leadership of an army of demons, wished to usurp Walter not for mere power lust, but to put an end to his tyranny over the land (and over Joachim himself)?

The man's character design doesn't strike me as overly evil either, in fact he has white-silver hair and a blue tunic, both white and blue are colors associated with purity, innocence (lament of innocence mention) and a noble spirit, it is no coincidence Soma and Hector follow the same color scheme.

It is also very worth noting that Walter had an entire smithing area, way more fit to hold a jail, but still chose to lock Joachim in a cave surrounded by water.

Friendly reminder that water is acidic to vampires, so Walter had this poor soul taken here with the specific intention of reminding him that if he were to somehow escape the cave itself, the water all over the place wouldn't let him get much further, also the cave is dark as all fuck, so that's fun.

In the art up there Joachim is clutching a knight's skull, almost as if he's lamenting the knight's death, even tho he is more than likely the one who killed him.

He's also seen letting the knight's blood drop to his hand, which reminds us that the only food he had available were the people coming to try to murder him. The very same cocky knights that perhaps, the first times they showed up, he excitedly hoped to befriend and help, but was always shocked, let down and hurt when they would attempt to kill him for the mere crime of being a vampire.

And about that, one can very much imagine that he heavily regretted having become one, and, to cope, his teenage brain gradually made him feel superior to humans because he was a vampire, so that he wouldnt feel hurt anymore when inevitably every human that came his way showed him no compassion.

Joachim clearly reached a point of complete distrust and spite for any human that arrives, which is why he is so dismissive and aggressive to Leon, whom at first showed no ill intent. He's also clearly gone insane, and still wishes to have revenge on Walter (which he gets to do if you play the game as him, which is something at least).

As a finisher I'd like to add that Walter and Joachim are an older, darker version of Dracula and Hector (if that manga about them is canon).

Yeah ok good lord above i yapped a lot.

I will now go eep, thanks to everyone who read all the way to here!

[newlondohollow]

Sooooo i finally gathered enough energy to post, and guess what will good ol me post about? NATURALLYYYY an obscure ass character i got hyperfixated on. because that's what normal people do. of course. Only this time it's not dark souls, so that's new!!

Enormous yapping sesh below this world-healing fanart by xemnas178!

I LOVE JOACHIM ARMSTER FROM CASTLEVANIA LAMENT OF INNOCENCE SO MUCH IM GONNA SOB I LOVE HIM IMEIUEIFJWUSYYWGD.

He's an example of how ergodic or semi ergodic literature (which i adore) can AND WILL make you briefly look at a character and go "aight cool" only to then gently nudge you into having the most shocking, boom vine sfx requiring, life altering, soul shattering series of realizations.

So, we learn from the official art book that Joachim was Walter's lieutenant, and that he was quote "lured" by him with the promise of eternal life. Joachim then tried to usurp Walter, which backfired awfully, and he now lies imprisoned in the Palace of Dark Waterfalls. Eventually Leon Belmont gets to him and Joachim acts all cool and cocky only to miserably die (as a bossfight i found him way easier than most of the other orb bosses).

That's pretty bland at first glance isn't it? Just your average foolish, prideful, comedic relief prick right? No, not at all. Here we go analyzing:

Joachim's model has a very young-looking face, looking even younger than Leon himself, and he also acts quite angsty teen like in his dialogues, which already adds something more to him.

The real kicker is that the devs left in the game a window to access the sounds (someone here on Tumblr made a post about it!) and they all have their little comments below them; Joachim's OST's comment reads:

"Melancholy Joachim

It's dangerous to be holding a knife, Joachim. Perhaps he is still just mentally young"

That post I mentioned commented perfectly on the "Melancholy Joachim" bit so I won't repeat what they said, I will instead focus on the two sentences that follow.

The first sentence sounds condescending, sarcastic, or alternatively it sounds like something you would tell a child. Perhaps it allegorically references Joachim's attempt at usurping Walter, and this sentence would be something Walter himself would tell him mockingly.

Meanwhile the second sentence seems like a repetition of "Joachim acts like a child" but the presence of the word "still" has us know that he doesn't just act like a teenager, he is one.

Or better said, he was one when Walter turned him, as we can presume by looking at his official art here (more yapping below it) that he's been in that cell for a WHILE.

However, his mental development was stunted by such egregious traumatic experiences, and thus he has the mind (and sort of looks) of a teenager.

All this certainly makes his character a lot more tragic, and now we can't even fault him for having been tempted by eternal life because, as old as he was, he probably didn't even understand the scale of the situation he was in, and what he was being offered.

We also know that Joachim, this goddam fucking teenager, was Walter's lieutenant. That fuckass ginger cunt had a teenager lead armies. ARMIES. ARMIES OF DEMONIC CREATURES BY THE WAY. Children being used in war is nothing alien to history of course, but obviously it still is undeniably very wrong and cruel both here and irl.

Nevertheless, could it be that Joachim, a child soldier burdened with leadership of an army of demons, wished to usurp Walter not for mere power lust, but to put an end to his tyranny over the land (and over Joachim himself)?

The man's character design doesn't strike me as overly evil either, in fact he has white-silver hair and a blue tunic, both white and blue are colors associated with purity, innocence (lament of innocence mention) and a noble spirit, it is no coincidence Soma and Hector follow the same color scheme.

It is also very worth noting that Walter had an entire smithing area, way more fit to hold a jail, but still chose to lock Joachim in a cave surrounded by water.

Friendly reminder that water is acidic to vampires, so Walter had this poor soul taken here with the specific intention of reminding him that if he were to somehow escape the cave itself, the water all over the place wouldn't let him get much further, also the cave is dark as all fuck, so that's fun.

In the art up there Joachim is clutching a knight's skull, almost as if he's lamenting the knight's death, even tho he is more than likely the one who killed him.

He's also seen letting the knight's blood drop to his hand, which reminds us that the only food he had available were the people coming to try to murder him. The very same cocky knights that perhaps, the first times they showed up, he excitedly hoped to befriend and help, but was always shocked, let down and hurt when they would attempt to kill him for the mere crime of being a vampire.

And about that, one can very much imagine that he heavily regretted having become one, and, to cope, his teenage brain gradually made him feel superior to humans because he was a vampire, so that he wouldnt feel hurt anymore when inevitably every human that came his way showed him no compassion.

Joachim clearly reached a point of complete distrust and spite for any human that arrives, which is why he is so dismissive and aggressive to Leon, whom at first showed no ill intent. He's also clearly gone insane, and still wishes to have revenge on Walter (which he gets to do if you play the game as him, which is something at least).

As a finisher I'd like to add that Walter and Joachim are an older, darker version of Dracula and Hector (if that manga about them is canon).

Yeah ok good lord above i yapped a lot.

I will now go eep, thanks to everyone who read all the way to here!

[newlondohollow]

Sooooo i finally gathered enough energy to post, and guess what will good ol me post about? NATURALLYYYY an obscure ass character i got hyperfixated on. because that's what normal people do. of course. Only this time it's not dark souls, so that's new!!

Enormous yapping sesh below this world-healing fanart by xemnas178!

I LOVE JOACHIM ARMSTER FROM CASTLEVANIA LAMENT OF INNOCENCE SO MUCH IM GONNA SOB I LOVE HIM IMEIUEIFJWUSYYWGD.

He's an example of how ergodic or semi ergodic literature (which i adore) can AND WILL make you briefly look at a character and go "aight cool" only to then gently nudge you into having the most shocking, boom vine sfx requiring, life altering, soul shattering series of realizations.

So, we learn from the official art book that Joachim was Walter's lieutenant, and that he was quote "lured" by him with the promise of eternal life. Joachim then tried to usurp Walter, which backfired awfully, and he now lies imprisoned in the Palace of Dark Waterfalls. Eventually Leon Belmont gets to him and Joachim acts all cool and cocky only to miserably die (as a bossfight i found him way easier than most of the other orb bosses).

That's pretty bland at first glance isn't it? Just your average foolish, prideful, comedic relief prick right? No, not at all. Here we go analyzing:

Joachim's model has a very young-looking face, looking even younger than Leon himself, and he also acts quite angsty teen like in his dialogues, which already adds something more to him.

The real kicker is that the devs left in the game a window to access the sounds (someone here on Tumblr made a post about it!) and they all have their little comments below them; Joachim's OST's comment reads:

"Melancholy Joachim

It's dangerous to be holding a knife, Joachim. Perhaps he is still just mentally young"

That post I mentioned commented perfectly on the "Melancholy Joachim" bit so I won't repeat what they said, I will instead focus on the two sentences that follow.

The first sentence sounds condescending, sarcastic, or alternatively it sounds like something you would tell a child. Perhaps it allegorically references Joachim's attempt at usurping Walter, and this sentence would be something Walter himself would tell him mockingly.

Meanwhile the second sentence seems like a repetition of "Joachim acts like a child" but the presence of the word "still" has us know that he doesn't just act like a teenager, he is one.

Or better said, he was one when Walter turned him, as we can presume by looking at his official art here (more yapping below it) that he's been in that cell for a WHILE.

However, his mental development was stunted by such egregious traumatic experiences, and thus he has the mind (and sort of looks) of a teenager.

All this certainly makes his character a lot more tragic, and now we can't even fault him for having been tempted by eternal life because, as old as he was, he probably didn't even understand the scale of the situation he was in, and what he was being offered.

We also know that Joachim, this goddam fucking teenager, was Walter's lieutenant. That fuckass ginger cunt had a teenager lead armies. ARMIES. ARMIES OF DEMONIC CREATURES BY THE WAY. Children being used in war is nothing alien to history of course, but obviously it still is undeniably very wrong and cruel both here and irl.

Nevertheless, could it be that Joachim, a child soldier burdened with leadership of an army of demons, wished to usurp Walter not for mere power lust, but to put an end to his tyranny over the land (and over Joachim himself)?

The man's character design doesn't strike me as overly evil either, in fact he has white-silver hair and a blue tunic, both white and blue are colors associated with purity, innocence (lament of innocence mention) and a noble spirit, it is no coincidence Soma and Hector follow the same color scheme.

It is also very worth noting that Walter had an entire smithing area, way more fit to hold a jail, but still chose to lock Joachim in a cave surrounded by water.

Friendly reminder that water is acidic to vampires, so Walter had this poor soul taken here with the specific intention of reminding him that if he were to somehow escape the cave itself, the water all over the place wouldn't let him get much further, also the cave is dark as all fuck, so that's fun.

In the art up there Joachim is clutching a knight's skull, almost as if he's lamenting the knight's death, even tho he is more than likely the one who killed him.

He's also seen letting the knight's blood drop to his hand, which reminds us that the only food he had available were the people coming to try to murder him. The very same cocky knights that perhaps, the first times they showed up, he excitedly hoped to befriend and help, but was always shocked, let down and hurt when they would attempt to kill him for the mere crime of being a vampire.

And about that, one can very much imagine that he heavily regretted having become one, and, to cope, his teenage brain gradually made him feel superior to humans because he was a vampire, so that he wouldnt feel hurt anymore when inevitably every human that came his way showed him no compassion.

Joachim clearly reached a point of complete distrust and spite for any human that arrives, which is why he is so dismissive and aggressive to Leon, whom at first showed no ill intent. He's also clearly gone insane, and still wishes to have revenge on Walter (which he gets to do if you play the game as him, which is something at least).

As a finisher I'd like to add that Walter and Joachim are an older, darker version of Dracula and Hector (if that manga about them is canon).

Yeah ok good lord above i yapped a lot.

I will now go eep, thanks to everyone who read all the way to here!