nictalks

[nictalks]

I’m Back

The hurricane that was the 24th and 25th years of my life has passed. At 23, I felt the strongest I had ever been, ready to take on the world. Now 25, clinical anxiety and depression, adjustment disorder with PTSD episodes. It’s frustrating, seeing that I thought I had finally been able to hold it all together. 

Some people are so evil, I truly believe their only use in this life would be the academic study of their brain functions when they are dead. Yet, for some reason, these monsters walk among us, holding jobs, going grocery shopping, driving around like the humans they pretend to be, free to destroy whomever they choose. Then, people like me are left to clean up the aftermath. 

Good thing I was born a bad bitch, so I will recover one day. I just don’t know when, and that’s scary to me. I feel like this person ripped the confidence out of my chest and took it with them to keep as a souvenir on their shelf, like a trophy. 

I was stalked, threatened, triggered to the point of breaking. Friends were surprised I hadn’t done something drastic to hurt myself yet. I never did, so I guess I can count that as a win. I’m just getting to know this new problematic side of me.

Part of that I think is growing my confidence back, like a plant with a part of its root left in the ground. Writing is a big part of that, forcing myself to voice my opinions again and not be afraid. I’ve been afraid to speak for so long because of the situation I was in. I shut down my social media for safety reasons in the situation I was in. It was insane. It will take a lot to shake that fear. I’ve already started by standing up to some toxic family members for the first time, probably effectively cutting them out of my life because they didn’t like what I said to them. Whatever.

At 25, I feel more vulnerable than I ever have. I thought we were supposed to have most things figured out by now. Guess fucking not. Oh well. 1st quarter down, 3 more to go, right?

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My 3 fictional characters that describe me.....or the top 3....I don't care if it doesn't make sense I don't givvadam!

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Success looks different to everyone, an inspiration I learned from fellow artist @micjordanmusic . Commit to finding your version of success and working towards it every day!

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Get rid of the toxins in your life! #MotivationalMondays #nicquerobinson

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Sunday Funday - Sept 11, 2016

Checked out an awesome pop-up church today. I went because my friend works on the staff and I wanted to support the grand opening...

But this is why I plan to return:

I’m tired. I’m tired of hearing about all the terrible shit going on in the world and then people being even more terrible pieces of shit to each other.

I’m tired of seeing people put others down in the name of Christ and spreading hate instead of love.

It was refreshing today to hear a message directed towards doing good in the community and actively focusing on NOT judging others for their lifestyle.

Basically, it’s not up to you how others live their life. You can disagree and choose not to follow that path, but if you’re not bringing love into the world, as a Christian, you’re completely useless.

Love and let be. Let your life and positive attitude be your testament to the goodness of God. Be the actual light of the world we’re called to be, not the concrete block that drags others down into despair.

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Where were you 15 years ago? Part 2 #911 #neverforget

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Where were you 15 years ago? Part 1 #911 #neverforget

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Everyone has their idea of what your life is supposed to be: your friends, your parents, your teachers, your boss, your colleagues... But only you can truly know what you're put on this earth to do. Success looks different to everyone. Don't settle for a vision that's not yours!

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Just another Thursday night. @elitedancecrew auditions were great! What a turn-out! I'm excited to try-out for another year working with the fabulous @ellerejbonifacio and I'm excited to work with some new talent....now, back to putting Icy Hot on my thighs...orale....

[nictalks]

Just another Thursday night. @elitedancecrew auditions were great! What a turn-out! I'm excited to try-out for another year working with the fabulous @ellerejbonifacio and I'm excited to work with some new talent....now, back to putting Icy Hot on my thighs...orale....

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Dance season has officially begun! @elitedancecrew auditions going down in a few ....see how hype I is....so hype....so hype right now....

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On to the next one! I'm pleased to say that I'll be playing Marianne in Constellations this fall at the Empire. I'm loving the Empire Arts Company and all the opportunities they've given me, including awesome new friends and my first paycheck as a working actress. I can't wait to tackle this new challenge of a role...now back to my regular schedule of songwriting, eating pizza and watching Kimmy Schmidt lol.

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The Myth of Race

All my life I've dealt with racism....but some of it didn't come from white people. When an African- American person talks about racism and struggling to feel accepted, one will probably automatically think of white aggression towards them. It's true, I've gotten the side-looks, dirty comments, obvious discrimination. I grew up hating my reflection because the standard of beauty was caked with makeup and sporting long, flawlessly straight locks, not fresh-faced with a head of curls. But I found myself at odds between worlds very often. I found that just as often that white people discriminate against African-Americans, there's discrimination within the African-American community. For every time I've felt "not white enough" for the mainstream, I've also felt "not black enough" for many reasons. For one thing, I'm mixed race: African-American, Hispanic and Native American...mostly. There’s a splash of Irish in there too. Depending on what region of the States I happen to be in, some white people can't even tell I'm not purely "black." However, almost every African-American would definitely be able to tell that I'm not purely "black." You may be wondering why I'm using the word "African-American" so much and emphasizing "black" with quotation marks. Let me explain.... Race is man-made. It's an attempt to categorize us by solely physical appearance, but we are so much more than the color of our skin. We are cultures, food, stories, traditions, products of our ancestors, no matter how much of their blood we have. We are histories and ethnicities: African, Hispanic, European, etc.....not black, brown, white, etc. The poison of race categorization has been in the bloodstream since slavery, but the African-American community is not guiltless of not playing into the game. My grandparents were both "black" by standards of the time they lived in. My grandfather was lighter-skinned, not doubt resultant from his strong Irish mix. My grandmother was a Trinidad native and very dark-skinned. Not many people know about the "paper bag rule," or perhaps this is a part of our culture we've chosen to forget, but there was a method of determining "how black" you were. In church, my grandparents weren't allowed to sit together. Those church members whose skin was lighter than a brown paper bag sat in the front of the congregation while all those darker than the bag would sit in the upper balcony pews. The "paper bag rule" is still alive and well today, just in different ways. Today, within the "black" community, the color of our skin is a huge determiner of how we fit in. Lighter-skinned "blacks" are commonly considered prettier, stuck-up and sometimes not even considered black, no matter how much culture and blood we have in common. My dark-skinned dad had concerns sending me to a pre-dominantly black high school because of my light skin. He was afraid I'd be viciously bullied. Of course, I can't talk about this without admitting the obvious priviledge light-skinned African-Americans have. We're more likely to be excluded from harmful "black" stereotypes (not exempt, just more likely to be excluded). It's easier to get lead roles in Hollywood if you are lighter-skinned. Let's face it, the ideal "black" face in Hollywood has been a little more Beyonce and Zoe Saldana than Lupita N'yongo. For reasons such as these, light-skinned African-Americans are often socially exiled from our cultural community because we are "not really black." Truth is, very few "black" people are "really black." So many of us are mixed with European, Central American, etc. blood. In some of us, it's more evident through our hair textures, body frames and skin color.Instead of embracing the presence of these mixes and not letting a broken color categorization define us a culture, some people still use the damn "paper bag rule." Just as we as a culture demand respect from "white" America, we must give respect to each other. The colors of our skin is a huge part of our culture, but it's not the only thing. It's the combined experiences of our ancestors and what it took to bring us into this world. It's food, it's music, it's the spelling of our names, it's also embracing the other ethnicities that mixed together to bring you into existence. All those parts deserve respect. Race is a myth. It's a blinder to how colorful we really are.

I absolutely love everything I am and respect every part of my heritage, no matter how big or small. It’s time we started doing that on a larger scale.

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I Made My Husband Hide the Scale

Most of my life, I haven't had a problem losing weight. As a matter of fact, I had more of a problem gaining it. I barely hit above 100lbs in college. I was always the object of soft jealousy from my friends for the fact that I could "eat whatever I want and never get fat!" After a while, that kind of became a point of pride and security. The writing on the wall, however, had always been there in the form of my Latina genes. The hips and thighs were on their way, it was just a matter of time. I got married a few months before my 22nd birthday. by then, I had reached 118. I had also recently started birth control. We moved to Grand Forks, North Dakota (don't look at  me like that, the military made me do it), a place where the literally unbearable cold usually causes people to stay inside. By fall, I was 125lbs, which I thought was pretty okay, and then by mid-winter, I had reached 135lbs. This was terrifying for a 5'4" girl who had seldom thought she would ever even get above 110! Once I got selected to tour with Tops in Blue, they went to work slimming us down for performance fitness. Through intense diet and exercise, I got back down to 117lbs. I managed to maintain that weight all year and then returned home, where the pace was so much slower and where I realized weight gain would again be inevitable. I continued exercising to keep this from happening.  The numbers on the scale flunctuated every week. Now barely 24, I'm realizing that smaller food and lifestyle choices now have more of an impact on my body now that I'm older. However, I was working out so much more that I ever had before in my adult life. The numbers were a bit higher, but my pant size still stayed pretty much the same, unlike my last weight gain when literally nothing fit anymore. I was beginning to read more and more articles about how the number on the scale doesn't really reflect your actual level of health. Still, the numbers haunted me. It was like I was addicted to them to give me some validation that I looked alright or that I was thin enough So, one day, I decided to tell my husband to hide the scale. I'm quitting the numbers cold turkey. I committed instead a varied workout regimen of ju jitsu, boxing, swimming, dancing and yoga (no running or weights for now because I'm healing knee and back problems). I eat pretty much whatever I want as long as I eat 2 fruits and a large serving of veggies every day, and drink a gallon of water every day. Incidentally, the more you workout, the more your body only wants to put good stuff in it anyways. As long as I remain a size 3, I will not worry about getting on a scale. Once the pants start getting a little tight, I'll pull it out. I estimate I'll hop on a scale around the end of October, just to see how much healthy exercise and good eating can do for my body. I'll keep my readers updated, but I've already seen some pretty nice changes. My abs are coming back, but I don't have to starve for them. I feel better than when I cut carbs or went Paleo, though both were good ways to cleanse after my body's been on an alcohol or junk food bender. Like I said, we'll see where this goes!

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#MotivationalMondays starting today! I hope your week is amazing! #nomakeupmonday

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With husband and friends in Minneapolis. This city is surprising the hell outta me in the best way possible!

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Haven't been on the keys in a while, a long while, except when giving lessons. About a month ago I wrote a song on the ukelele called "Monterrey" in one day. Today I wrote a chorus to a song called "Cinderella" in one day. My next EP will include these songs and will be written pretty much on the fly, like this, unlike the torturous effort I put into "Growing Pains." I wrote this one today because I and some of my friends have really been feeling these words lately.