nisa4444

[nisa4444]

Here’s a train of thought I had earlier today, I’ll try to make it as legible as possible, but can’t promise anything. Had a bit of a rough time recently. ago, i’ll try to make it as comprehendible  as possible, but I’ve never tried to describe how my brain thinks before so I’m not promising anything lol. 

Thought one, It would be cool if my future girlfriend and I could have like two person DND campaigns where she could just drop me off in a random place, fictional, or real, and I could give north south east and west commands for some sort of couples role-play.

Fear enters stage left.

Fear, “ role-plays are terrifying! You don’t want your girlfriend to be your servant.”

Rational brain enters stage left.

 rational brain, “ actually fear, having a two person DND campaign like that would be adorable couples activity, and she wouldn’t be a servant at all. She is an equal participant in all of this.”

Sorry if none of that made any modicum of whatsoever lol. 



[nisa4444]

Here’s a train of thought I had earlier today, I’ll try to make it as legible as possible, but can’t promise anything. Had a bit of a rough time recently. ago, i’ll try to make it as comprehendible  as possible, but I’ve never tried to describe how my brain thinks before so I’m not promising anything lol. 

Thought one, It would be cool if my future girlfriend and I could have like two person DND campaigns where she could just drop me off in a random place, fictional, or real, and I could give north south east and west commands for some sort of couples role-play.

Fear enters stage left.

Fear, “ role-plays are terrifying! You don’t want your girlfriend to be your servant.”

Rational brain enters stage left.

 rational brain, “ actually fear, having a two person DND campaign like that would be adorable couples activity, and she wouldn’t be a servant at all. She is an equal participant in all of this.”

Sorry if none of that made any modicum of whatsoever lol. 



[nisa4444]

Seriously, why am I scared of everything!

It’s not anything specific, sure, some things do seem to ramp up the anxiety a bit, and some days are more anxious than others, but even that isn’t really ever consistent. There’s like this little kiddo in my brain that’s just terrified of life itself, and I can’t seem to get through to her. She just runs off every time I try to communicate. I don’t know what to do!

[nisa4444]

Sane people, “ if you know that song gives you anxiety, why do you keep listening to it over and over again?”

Me, “it’s goooood though!” 

[nisa4444]

I want to say things, and I have things to say, But I seepy, and brain can’t words.

[nisa4444]

Here’s a quick rundown of some of my personal symbolism. My brain has decided to make its own, incredibly complicated, system of symbols that were created both consciously and subconsciously that I like to use in all sorts of creative projects, so I’m putting a sort of basic rundown here. I won’t be going into detail of the origins of any of the symbols, because that would take forever and would get way too complicated and in-depth, and honestly, I don’t even understand a lot of it, so I’m just putting down the basics. OK, here goes nothing.

Spiders, entanglement:

Spiders usually represent tightly knit communities, often, but not always religious or spiritual, who are separated from the rest of society and deeply place based. They’ve usually dwelled in the same location for many generations and draw power from that location. sometimes, some aspect of conversion or predation  is involved.

Serpents, the bond between SOCIAL OutKasts:

In my symbolism, serpents can have similar meanings to the “ common symbolism” silver tongue, fearmongers particularly those who make soothing promises and pray on the vulnerable, but they can also represent misunderstood, social outcasts, particularly the bond between radically different groups of people who have been shunned by society, coming together through their shared sorrows.  

Werewolves, PMS:

That’s it, literally just PMS, nothing deeper there.

Banshees, deep depression/longing:

Banshees represent the kind of depression that leaves you completely immobilized, without the will to live, but lacking the energy to die. The kind of depression that leaves you as nothing more than an emaciated, wailing husk of a person, usually over an extended period of time. Banshees are generally tied to grief and longing, but they don’t necessarily have to be.

Bears, stability/protection:

Bears represent a solid ground to stand on,, and they can often be used as a symbol of warding and protection. The image of a mother bear guarding her cubs comes to mind as a symbol of a spiritual protector, watching over someone as they experiment their way through life. While the symbol of a bear might not be loud, in your face, or even immediately visible, they are always in the background, providing stability and protection, the groundwork upon which everything else is built.

Hibiscus flowers, pathway to pleasure:

Hibiscus flowers represent a path that one must follow in order to achieve pleasure or bliss. They are not an immediate satisfaction, rather, they are sort of like a sign that one must keep following. If one sees a hibiscus flower, they must follow that sign until they find another one, and then another, and then another, and eventually, they will reach what they are looking for. It’s like a trail marker showing that they are on the right track.

Golden Eagle, mythical/fantastical salvation:

The golden eagle represents the yearning for some sort of night and shining armor to swoop down and snatch you away to a better place. It is usually understood that this is a far-fetched fantasy, but still, one may look at the sky and wish for a golden eagle to swoop down and snatch them in their darkest hour.

If you made it this far, I sincerely thank you for reading all of this. This stuff is constantly swirling around in my mind and it feels good to get it all out there, even if I am just screaming into the void of the Internet. I hope someone found this interesting at least, and I’m sorry about my grammar. 

[nisa4444]

I love how I’m just getting more and more tired by the second, and instead of doing the reasonable, logical, and responsible thing, going the heck to sleep, I’m just rambling on Tumblr about how I should be sleeping, again! Why am I like this?

I know exactly why, as soon as I have a little bit of quiet, I’m headed straight to existential dread city. Thing is, I’m already in sleep deprivation Square, and idling on distraction drive.

OMG, I’m still doing it, I’m so desperate to do anything except be in my head right now! I seriously need to stop Being unhinged on the Internet and be unhinged in my brain and get some shut eye. I know I’ll feel better soon enough. Wish me luck guys!

[nisa4444]

Will you give me heaven? Give me all that I love, the fabric of all that is beautiful?

Give me all that I just can’t ever seem to grasp? Will you pour it over me until I’m choking and spitting sensory overload of epiphany?

Because my mind’s been spinning in circles all day, trying to keep me sane, and I’m tired now.

I want to rest, I want to sleep, I want some comfort.



Will you hold me? Calm the screaming child in my mind, The screaming child who has been denied, a debt I can never repay.

Will you sing her a lullaby?

Start to heal the many wounds made? Cause I have to wake up and face the day, and then another, and then another day, And I’m proud of myself for making it through yesterday.

Please, will you give me heaven?  

[nisa4444]

OK, I don’t like to get political online, because I openly admit to getting pretty much all of my news from various late night comedy specials, such as the daily show and Stephen Colbert, and I know almost nothing about politics. That being said, I just can’t with people saying that perfectly capable people who choose not to work shouldn’t get free healthcare.

I mean, on a purely cognitive level, I get it. Why should those of us who are actively working, sacrificing our time and energy to better the world for all,  Have to shoulder the burden of those who choose not to do anything. I even agree with that philosophy, in certain circumstances, but this is healthcare we’re talking about! By denying people healthcare, we are willingly letting people die horrible, slow, gruesome, and painful deaths. Who cares if they’re lazy! Who cares if they don’t wanna work!  I don’t know, isn’t having access to healthcare just a basic human right? The concept of human dignity is one. I’ve always struggled to understand, and still don’t think I have a grasp on, but this seems like a complete violation of it.

Like, why am I not hearing anyone talk about this? I watched my dad die of cancer when I was 10, and he had access to healthcare thankfully. It was still traumatic as hell for me as a child, I can’t imagine how it would be to watch a family member, die, abandoned willfully by the government that is supposed to protect us as citizens. How on earth is someone who grows up like this supposed to have any trust in our system? I come upon people arguing that trying to deny healthcare to people who are able to work, but choose not to will inevitably hurt people who are not able to work, and me being blind, definitely puts me in that category, but honestly, I am just as worried for the “lazy” people. Just because you’re 26 years old and spend all your time playing video games, live in your parents house, and contribute nothing to society, doesn’t mean that you deserve to rot alive from some horrible disease while your loved ones watch you, completely unable to do anything to help. 

I probably won’t be responding to comments much on this post if I get any, as I said before, I’m not in any way qualified to talk politics, I don’t know anything. 

[nisa4444]

Every conversation I have with ChatGPT is pretty much just me interrogating that “poor innocent” artificial intelligence software about something oddly specific, dark and twisted, and definitely for the purpose of later fantasizing while desperately trying to pretend that it’s not for perverted reasons, all while my horniness is clawing at the bars of its cage to just go all out and I’m hissing at it to not “blow my cover.” 

[nisa4444]

Why do I love music so much? Because it helps me sort out my feelings, however complicated they may be, and learn to love whatever I am feeling at any given moment, no matter how chaotic.

Why do I love singing so much? Because I can express every twisted facet of my beautiful broken brain in front of literally anyone and be accepted, without them telling me that I need to change.

[nisa4444]

Does anyone else have concepts that you want to share with friends and family, but just genuinely cannot explain?

So today, I was at the beach with my parents and casually remarked that the song that was playing was really Snow beastie. Of course, that made absolutely zero sense to them, but I understand exactly what it means. I tried to explain, but I just can’t. It’s not that it’s awkward or embarrassing or inappropriate or anything like that, it’s just that I have my own symbolism in my mind, mostly from dreams, that would take a really long time to try to put into words. It really bugs me, because I’m trying really hard to be more open about what’s going on in my mind, and to be more aware of the world around me in turn. I’m trying to integrate my inner and outer worlds. This is one of the few things that actually isn’t awkward or inappropriate, and I still can’t explain it.

this is my best attempt at explaining what it means for a song to be snow beastie. Bear with me here. OK, the Snow beast is a creature from my dreams and from some stories that I’ve created which sort of resembles across between a wolf and a snow leopard. it is usually a symbol of some sort of religious figure that comes in one’s time of need, usually when they are completely beaten down and about to give up, and offers a radical solution, usually something involving conversion to some sort of religion or faith. That is the specific meaning, but symbolically, I usually say I’m being snow beastie when I subtly, or not so subtly, preach my ideologies, in conversation, especially when relevant. The Snow beast is sort of an extreme symbol, and I often joke about it as sort of a. I’m trying not to be this thing thing. I try to stay at a healthy level of snow beastieness at all times. 

I don’t know why I’m saying all this here. I guess it feels good to put it all out there somewhere, it probably makes no sense, but at least it’s not all swirling around endlessly in my brain. 

[nisa4444]

I am so annoyed at my anxiety right now,  I’m scared of everything and nothing, mostly things I like!

[nisa4444]

Does anyone else get this weird feeling every once in a while that sort of like a thirst but deeper?

It’s really hard to put a finger on, feeling sort of like a physical thirst, but more emotional, like loneliness, but never specific. I get it every so often, usually while struggling.

[nisa4444]

So today, I just had another victory against my anxiety, and I’d like to share it with you guys.

My anxiety voices were getting annoying again, relentlessly bullying me about being a pervert, and I just said, out loud, “ anxiety, would you please kindly fuck off?” by God, it actually worked! The voices went away! No more needling anxiety, for now at least. 

[nisa4444]

Having migraines and depression at the same time freaking sucks!!! The depression makes me cry, the crying gives me migraines, the migraines make me more depressed, the depression makes me cry, the cycle repeats until I’m stuck in bed forever! Just, why? 

[nisa4444]

Remembering that time in seventh grade, when my Vision Teacher, desperate to get me to practice typing by any means, told me I could type whatever I wanted, and I proceeded to write a fully formed conspiracy theory about how she, the teacher, was secretly a spy from the cat Empress, sent to watch me because I was a wear vulture and just didn’t know it yet. I had this whole universe in my mind where certain people could turn into animals at will, and there were different factions that had all sorts of drama with each other. It was a whole thing, that poor teacher lol.