oldcrumyaccount - Tumblr blog

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Pick up lines

Here are some of my best pick up lines •bless you, honey you need Jesus because you hot as hell •what Hogwarts house are you from? Cause I'm trying to Slithern to tho's DM's •Are you an astronaut because that ass is out of this world Comment your best pick up line

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I have never related to something so much

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Story Time

So the other day I was dragged by my mother to help her and my grandmother plant some flowers in her front lawn. My mother started to get angry, and digging too deep. So I decided to start making some jokes and said "that's right mom burry the flowers roots like you burry all that baggage"... Little to say I'll probably never be asked to help again

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Bobs burgers, I swear is based off of my family

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Yep me too Patrick, me too

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I'm Tina

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No we don't but on Sundays I bow down to the all so mighty god that is Netflix while I think of ways to kill myself knowing its Monday the next day then cry myself to sleep

why is tumblr dead on sundays you cant possibly expect me to believe any of you go to church

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My favorite was "Lucifer-Evil and loving it"

going through my microsoft word archives is great fun because i always find the wildest shit in there and by “the wildest shit” i mean the time i tried to rewrite the entire bible from scratch at the age of eleven and a half

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shout out to all the black and white cats named oreo, all the orange tabbies named tiger, all the grey cats named smokey, all the black cats named shadow, and all the calico cats named patches

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Happy Mishapocolypse everyone

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Text me the most fucked up thought you have ever had

I’m board so text me whatever fucked up thought you had ever had. Surprise me. I dare you. Or maybe just message me for a chat

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Run from him:

•if he disrespects his mom •if he disrespects blue collar workers •if he doesn’t tip or leaves loose pennies •if he is mean to animals •if he doesn’t touch you in public •if he won’t tell his friends about you •if he says “I’ve never been with a ____ girl before.” •if he won’t address his female friends by name instead just calls them “a friend” •if all his exes “are psycho” •if he’s never worked a day in his life •if he chooses a drug over spending time with you •if he disagrees with feminism •if he’s white and he throws around the N word •if he isn’t proud of what you do •if he makes rape jokes •if you tell him you haven’t shaved down there and he quickly changes his mind about giving you oral •if he chooses the music or movies without asking what you think •if he voluntarily shows up late to pick you up •if you catch yourself googling “what is an abusive relationship?”

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Lorde // Tennis Court

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*puts tape over webcam so the nsa doesnt see me eating chips and crying*