onpluton

[onpluton]

how harley learns peter is spider-man

harley: hey, peter!

peter, from above: yeah?

harley, looking up to see peter crawling on the ceiling: what

harley, staring: how

harley, having an existential crisis: why

tony: Fri, play that jingle that goes “spider-man, spider-man, does whatever a spider can”

Friday: yes, boss

[onpluton]

harley: consider. you’re a bitch.

tony: do you just say things? like there was silence before you said that. there was no reason to say that.

harley: let me live my life

- - -

harley: babushka

tony: what

peter: babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya

tony: w h a t

- - -

peter and harley editing the old footage of tony testing the ironman suit out: wii music

tony: what are you two giggling about?

peter and harley: NOTHING

tony: Friday, show me what they’re looking at

tony: oh

tony: at least have the decency to add harley’s learning curve too. he broke through the ceiling. and crashed into his namesake.

- - -

tony: we’ve only been married for 6 years-

pepper: feels like 60 with you

tony: i’m glad you’re willing to commit to old age with me. love you.

harley: what are you talking about. you’re already old.

peter: not you mrs pepper. you’re very youthful.

pepper: thank you, peter.

[onpluton]

bucky, handing steve a freshly baked cookie: listen. listen to me. do not eat this cookie. it’s hot. it’s molten. do not.

steve: yeah, okay.

*takes bite*

steve: hashahahash

bucky: now what the fuck did i tell you

steve: i- wasn’t listening.

(based off my interaction with my dad)

[onpluton]

the hello kitty sticker is everything

earth- 199 99?

[onpluton]

bubble tea vs. tony stark

peter: mr stark i have something for you to try

tony: yeah okay *takes the drink handed to him*

someone: wait i thought he didn’t like to be handed things

tony: hrrrk *tapioca pearls fall out of his mouth*

peter: mr stark! you’re supposed to chew those!

tony: did. did you just try to kill me? that’s it. you’re outta the will.

peter: it’s not my fault you- wait. i was in the will?

-

tony, lying down on the therapy couch: is this gonna keep happening? am i going to distrust every food or drink my kid gives me?

sam: *sips his bubble tea loudly*

[onpluton]

interns of SI conspiracies

- the banning of scents. peppermint, citrus, lavender. as well as strawberries, oddly enough.

conclusion? SI is secretly trying to experiment on spiders to make more spidermen and they don’t want to repel them from the building

- the mystery chemical. in every lab, every room, there’s a bottle of a clear substance that is kept out of reach from everyone. it appeared one night, fairly recently.

conclusion? honestly everyone has different ideas, but generally accepted one is its an emergency molotov. why? dunno.

- the banning of dog whistles or any high pitch or excessive noise (unless it’s in the Name Of Science.) no one minds this. but. why.

conclusion: Happy is trying to train guard dogs on that can tell if you’re wearing your badge or not.

to be continued. probably.

[onpluton]

peter: ms potts i have an idea

pepper: oh god

peter: it’s a prank idea. on mr stark.

pepper: i’m surprised you’re coming to me about it so go on

peter: can we please order a hyper realistic cake of a burger

pepper: here’s my credit card. get one for you and me too, to make it look convincing

peter: the burger is a lie

- later -

tony, with cake falling out of his mouth: what the fuck

pepper, to peter: wow this is really good isn’t it

peter, also ignoring tony: yeah!

[onpluton]

do yall think that when tony designed the avengers tower the emblem was slapped on. everything. like everything. fridges. ovens. coffee tables. everyone’s phones. he has a collection of them that he can slap on anything. sometimes it was somehow put on the captain america shield even when it was hidden (because he wouldn’t stop doing it).

(this is inspired by my dad who has sport team emblems slapped on our oven and coffee table)

[onpluton]

Reporter: Who’s your favorite superhero?

Peter: Tony Stark

Harley: Iron Man

Tony: *crying*

Morgan: Ant-Man

Tony: *stops crying out of confusion*

[onpluton]

I want a soft moment that starts with peter reminding himself he wants to be like tony stark because he’s confident, a genius, someone who can make big plays that work out and he’s self sacrificing in a way peter isn’t sure he ever could be.

and then i want Tony thinking of how he wants to be like Peter Parker- righteous in a way that is humble, desperate to do what he believes is right, someone that always gets back up.

[onpluton]

okay but what if harley and peter were revealed to the world as genius interns mentored by tony stark himself and pepper thinks a way to make this look good is to have a reporter follow them around for a day at stark industries

but harley and peter decide to try and look like mad scientists and tony a necessary authority or else they will take over the world (they want mr stark to look good, but he just looks like a very tired, stressed dad)

thing is. they already looks like mad scientist children to the rest of SI so when the reporter asks if it’s normal, everyone just says yes. so it’s not even an act they put on.

[onpluton]

so many parkner fanfics have peter as this shy little baby boy who is scared to fuck shit up and gets dragged into stressing tony out by harley and i wanna say.

do yall really think that harley isn’t nervous as hell about offending or stressing tony out. like sure when he was a kid he wasn’t, but as a teenager he probably feels awful about the panic attacks he sent tony into. he probably even went out of his way to learn about it as a teenager.

also in a lot of stories he doesn’t like rose hill, and yall think he wouldn’t be nervous about getting sent back? peter is the bullheaded one that doesn’t listen to tony because usually his own moral code out weighs upsetting his idol and, as in homecoming, peter doesn’t feel like he’s taken seriously or being heard (because tony is admittedly shit at communicating)

harley would be grateful for the opportunities tony is giving him because nowhere-ville tennessee ain’t gonna do anything for that boy. peter on the other hand has already had a part in causing tony’s hair to go grey so what’s a little more stress.

this wouldn’t apply to stories where tony stays very present in harley’s life from the mandarin attack, but peter would still ring true.

[onpluton]

tony: and oh, this is harley. harley, meet capcicle.

steve: oh, i didn’t know you had a son.

tony: a what now

steve: . . . he’s not?

harley: he fucking wishes

- later -

steve: it’s not just that they look a little alike but. his name is harley. tony would absolutely name his kid after a motorcycle. what was i supposed to think?

clint: no, no, that’s not on you. i would think that too.

[onpluton]

head cannon: the more time and connection peter has with someone the more he has a sixth sense whenever they’re up to stupid shit or in trouble (which is because they’re doing stupid shit)

MJ trying to get close to a fight where she could get hurt just to see an anguished face to sketch? peter is CALLING. pick up.

Tony is about to drink one of the smoothies from Dum-E and it’s one with motor oil? peter shoots it with a web and now it’s on the wall. tony isn’t sure if he’s thankful or not since now there’s motor oil on the wall. peter also had to spend hours apologizing to Dum-E

Harley is testing out an iron man suit gauntlet that’s already proved to be temperamental with the upgrades he’s been trying to install? Friday, if you don’t stop him by shutting the gauntlet off or something you are going to a community college

Ned has been hacking and is about to be detected. peter is at his window with the Look of Disappointment. like, come on dude, you managed to hack tony starks suit before without alerting him, you can be more careful (peter’s disappointment is worse than his parents’)

[onpluton]

T’Challa: I can do one of two things. I can be King of Wakanda or I can control Shuri in the lab. I cannot possibly do both.

Bucky: . . . Are you quoting Theodore Roosevelt?

T’Challa: listen, i cannot help you with whatever Shuri decides to do to your arm

[onpluton]

why do i feel like peter would get invested into true crime documentaries and youtube videos and that’s what he and pepper bond over.

peter and pepper: *wrapped up in blankets with face masks and sharing a huge popcorn bowl*

tony: what’s this? am i being left out now?

tv: her body was found in pieces all over the city. her arms were cut off, her legs were cut off, her ears were cut off, her tongue was cut off-

tony, slowly backing out of the room: never mind

[onpluton]

someone’s probably done this but

peter: okay so let’s figure out a plan of attack

shuri: right, so i was thinking-

harley: i have a plan. attack.

peter: n o

tony: i am paying for my mistakes.