pangolin-piety

[pangolin-piety]

Before we become complete strangers, I just want you to know, I loved you with everything I had, from the deepest part of my heart. And now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone like that again.

[pangolin-piety]

Nights like this

Nights like this

When I want to tell you my plans

Nights like this

When I want to draw you my dreams

Nights like this

When I want to listen to your voice

Nights like this

When I want to keep us together

Nights like this

When I know we need a universe apart

[pangolin-piety]

Kisses with Blood

It’s sad to be done.

I’m going to miss the chase-

The back and forth of rage

The back and forth of care

A tender hold that slowly turns tight

A grip on my life that loosens to a gentle graze

But a graze is still a scrape

And a scrape still scars

My scar ridden being craves the pain

Craves your touch

But you don’t want me

And I don’t really want you

I want what you are

Something I shouldn’t have

Something that couldn’t ever want me

[pangolin-piety]

Blurry Lines

A line is drawn between us

The taste of your lips turn it fuzzy

The silence makes it solid and clear

You say I’m someone you love and they swirl

The back and forth of friend and more

A stupid toxic love of a friend I fuck

You say I never listen

I think I listen too much

Fuzzy swirly blurry lines that I need to erase

When I decide to finally calmly walk away.

I think I’m gonna start posting random art of mine with these

[pangolin-piety]

Drawing is Hard

Drawing people from memory is hard.

My memory is glazed over in all sorts of lights and filters.

Obscuring their true identity.

As I trace their face they’re missing a light in their eye,

A spark in their soul-

A dimple on their cheek.

It’s very simple things that loose a person.

It’s even harder when I cup them in my heart.

Where someone sees a face, I see so much more.

The sky at the peak of dawn in the shine of their hair.

A coarse piece of charcoal lit aflame for their pupil.

Smooth stone not quite yet polished but sanded for their mind.

A burnt out match for their will.

Mindless never ending humming of my favorite song for their heart.

It’s hard to capture that.

I think nothing of substance-

Only nonsensical connections

A bird of good fortune.

A fruit of luxury or betrayal.

A tone of stability.

So I draw those.

I can see their face.

I can’t replicate it no matter how hard I try.

So I draw those fatuous associations.

And people tire of it.

Tire of me.

And so I sit with my pencil in hand and think

Drawing people from memory is hard

[pangolin-piety]

Just one cigarette can't hurt

Inhale me Choke on my smoke

Let me swirl - dance in your lungs and nestle into your warm blood stream

Inhale me Savor the taste in favor

Let me take your breath away as you pucker your lips and blow me out

Inhale me

[pangolin-piety]

I will admit they trained me well

so well behaved my jaw snaps shut

a tone of voice is an off switch

a click

and being as young, bright, and naïve as I was

I held out hope

that they would throw me a bone

I am very good at staying right where I am

even when the weather is ugly

i’ll let the rainstorms

swallow me whole

i’ll melt or

freeze

on command

I hoped one day to be fully trained

so you can say I’m good

more than bright

more than smart

more than happy

please, God? let me be good

now my job is to sit in the door of a corner store

and let passers-by step on my paws

there is ice in my fur now

all winter

but I do what I can for scraps of food

I will admit

they trained me well

now I am very good at my job

[pangolin-piety]

what a beautiful day to remember that trans people of color exist and deserve better

[pangolin-piety]

In that bruise hard.

In that love hardened, as could a wing.

In me, I was a man.

I was red. I was life.

Reflection of life and nuages nocturnal night.

Deeds as rights.

Policing my mistake as men could die a war.

I was a girl poetically on the barricades of wisdom.

I was a hinge. I was poetic.

I was startled as a few undertones of sea shades of girls and women.

I was like life asking.

I was like a man at work and his sleep at work was a grey cat sound sleeping in my brisk.

I was asking his lone alviz to say lavz to find lafz.

You.

Sunidhi

[pangolin-piety]

Ancient Wise One

I need an ancient wise one.

A place to turn to for the questions that have no right answer.

A person to ask if I’m on the right path.

A thing to look at and know I’m progressing.

An ancient wise one to guide me.

To silence the whispers in my head that say to crack.

That says to break.

Please light the path.

Highlight the steps I need to take.

Make me feel things will work out.

Because an ancient wise one is never wrong.

[pangolin-piety]

When I remember I've been crazy in people's faces

In my head I am forgotten In fact - I never existed

An inconsequential fly on the wall No one is missing

Who takes no damage and does not at all

Just someone there, trying to be small

(somehow failing even that)

[pangolin-piety]

Too much

[pangolin-piety]

Ghost of the Living

I’m already seeing your shadow.

The ghost of you in my life.

You haven’t left yet but I know it’s coming.

I’ll have to track down every part of you in me.

And destroy them.

[pangolin-piety]

I didn’t tell him

But I liked to watch

The way he moved

The way his breath slowed

The way he waited for me

With concentrated patience

Never rushing

Never wasting

Never spilling

An ounce

Of the desire that flowed

From my

Hungry

Red

Lips

It was as if he wanted

To slow the world down

To slow me down

Just enough

So that I could feel

Every inch of his demand

And I did

I can’t take my eyes off of you

[pangolin-piety]

Dust and Glue

I believe everyone starts out as a shining piece of sea glass.

Formed shaped and colored by your very creation.

Everytime you are hurt a crack forms.

Everytime you are forgotten your color fades.

Nothing unfixable.

I believe with a little glue and time anything can be repaired.

However, you can never be truly restored.

Only repaired or molded into something new.

So I wonder what I can do.

With my dust and glue.

[pangolin-piety]

I say you were bothered. Traumatized. Too deep in your problems to think straight. I say it was a bad timing. Bad luck. I say I was too clingy, too lonely, too excited, too nervous. Too much. If we had time to calm down, sit down, see each other, we would have been fine. We would have been. I say it was the circumstances, the people around us, the time, the place.

It was not simply that you did not

love me.

[pangolin-piety]

sometimes it hurts to see happy people

i can recognise them when i see it

they don't treat happiness as a blue moon

for them it's as simple as the sunrise

sometimes it hurts that I'm not happy

but hey everything is a phase, right?

so maybe my sad phases are only for now

sometimes it hurts that my identity is sad

this, this is the worst part out of it all

even when happy things happen to me

i can't feel joy how untarnished people do

for me joy comes with the reminder

that trauma just breaks your ability to hold it

for me, my normal is a sad forlorn outlook

sometimes it truly hurts that I was made this

because nobody is born broken after all

~ shreeya.