patchlessworld

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and everyone left, because of me.

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i want to meet you.

i want to talk to you.

i want to be friends with you.

i miss you.

i miss being able to talk with you.

i wish you would give me the slightest bit of attention when i go see you.

i miss the late night chats with only you and i talking about everything.

i miss being able to hear you share your experiences with weird people.

i want to be able to tell you all of this.

but i can't.

cuz i'm afraid.

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and now i'm scared cuz i think my therapist hates me

i'm fine with being hated but the thing i'm concerned about is making people upset. people can hate me all they want, it's fine, just walk away from me. but it's hard to see people being forced to be with me. like my therapist, since i'm her case and she's responsible for this.

i just don't want to hurt people anymore. but as my therapist, she can't fight back (i think) and have to be stuck with me. this is nightmare to me. if i hurt someone, they can yell at me and hate me and even hurt me back and revenge on me all they want. but when it's a professional... the thought of it makes me feel so bad. no one should ever have to put up with me. i'm just a monster.

and i just don't want to listen to her be all kind and stuff. please just scold me, yell at me, hate me, idk just treat me bad instead of putting on a smile and having to swallow all those hatred. i'm just so afraid of people having to act kind and be nice to me when they really are hurting.

the thought of all of this makes me wanna scream. i wanna die. this is so horrifying. please stop.

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it's definitely a me problem now because i can barely communicate with my therapist but i've been seeing her for like 3 years now

i mean it is a me problem at first because i decided to not express myself in the first place because of fear of over relying and stuff

but now i realised i can't even communicate if i wanted to like, each sentence i speak feels so hard to form and then she can't hear me properly because i'm too quiet and then after a bunch of confirming on what i said (i don't think she got it right at all but close enough) she doesn't seem to grasp the idea and now she's throwing more questions at me then i'll have to keep trying to form proper sentences in my head but then the next question comes because she thought i was just being my usual unresponsive self but in fact i'm still trying to answer the first question but no because i don't know how to turn the stuff in my head into words

or maybe i'm just gaslighting myself into believing that i'm forming idk

idk

but this is definitely useless, every session feels useless

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i don't want to become like my father...

i shouldn't become like him

i know very well i disagree with such personality

but why, why...

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as we're speaking

today my mother said that it's good that i'm the one spending the most time with my father, cuz it helps train *my* EQ.

i don't know if i've gotten better at controlling my emotions. i just know that, when you're with someone, the more impatient they are, the more patient you have to be. so it's a constant reminder in my mind that i should put a smile on my face and respond nicely like i'm working at customer service. and i just know that, whenever people accuse you of doing something wrong, you admit it and say sorry. even if you aren't really wrong, you need to think of something that you could have done but didn't, and apologise for not doing that.

but these are more like notes that i've jotted down throughout the years, learnt from reading books or through experiences.

as for my EQ- i doubt that it's improved in any way. to begin with, i don't even know what my emotions are at this point. i throw things when they don't work (like mouse or mobile phone). i laugh when something bad happens to me. i would absolutely threaten people when i'm @^|'los and slash my wrist in front of them, if i get triggered. i could feel it.

but at the end of the day, no one cares. because it's all my fault. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. haha

how am i gonna take care of my feelings when i have to take care of the feelings of someone else in this house

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how am i gonna take care of my feelings when i have to take care of the feelings of someone else in this house

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i honestly am mentally stable (as i stop any contact with anyone and don't even talk to my therapist in case i get attached)

My bpd symptoms aren't that bad if I don't care about anything, or let anyone get close to me, or leave my house or

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"this is the worst day ever"

--me when i clearly remember i've said this multiple times prior to this day

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it makes sooo much sense that personality disorders are considered as ego-syntonic while other psychiatric disorders are ego-dystonic.

so that means ppl like myself with personality disorders see their behavior as natural, like there isnt anything genuinely wrong basically because its deeply ingrained and maladaptive- like how my symptoms feel like they have always been there and i didnt know it was a problem until i got diagnosed.

while "ego-dystonic" are like for example, someone with an anxiety disorder knows something is wrong and wants to actually fix it, a depressed person doesn't wish to be depressed, etc. so thats very interesting

basically its asking are you okay with the way you are- even if it means removing the symptoms you feels that are apart of your personality? majority of people with a psych condition would want it gone but you cant say the same for people with personality disorders.

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i should kill myself i should kill myself i don't know where to go i don't wanna go home but i don't know where to go without you i don't even know why im here i don't know i guess i'll just die but i can't cuz of responsibilities and stuff i wish there's something for me to distract this feeling but no im stuck here i wish someone would love me but even if you say you love me i'd doubt it im truly screwed am i i won't ever feel loved again what is love anyway what is love friendship idk relationship is such a hard concept to grasp i guess i'll just kms after everything's done

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reassurance kink bc my brain makes me feel unlovable

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hahahahsnsjahahahahah IVE OFFICIALLY HURT SOMEONE AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHSHAHAHAGAGAH

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i hate myself

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Yesterday.

Went to a maid cafe. But I was so nervous I downed a bottle and a half jinro before that. It's not my first time going there, in fact I've went there so many times now. Since my social anxiety got worse, I started drinking beforehand, but normally (I know this isn't normal, but for me it's my routine) I just drink one bottle of jinro. I felt unusually nervous yesterday, and past experience tells me that one jinro wouldn't last for the amount of time i would spend in the cafe, that's why the extra amount.

But the alcohol hit way fast than I expected. I think I was already a bit drunk as I walked in, when usually I'll have to sit for a while before I feel a bit drunk. Then I was totally drunk later on. I was way too hyper. Talking way more than usual. Couldn't walk normally. I even suggested that I go on stage with a maid (who I have known for a few years) and sing, which I would never even consider because that's scary. But before we actually had to go on stage, I got scared of the fact that I had to perform in front of an audience (even though there's only a few people). So I drank more of the remaining jinro.

Long story short, I was drunk and probably caused trouble even though that maid told me it's fine and everyone was just a bit concerned and that I didn't trouble them. God knows how many "sorrys" I said while I was dming her on my way home. I felt like such a failure. And I was feeling so bad that there was a point last night in the cafe where I thought to myself "I'm just gonna k*ll myself after this.", like how you would think "I'm gonna grab some food on my way home" kinda way. The only thing that pulled me away from that thought is that I remembered I agreed to write lyrics for someone's first song. And I guess I'm really living for this responsibility only.

I hate myself. I cried myself to sleep. I wish that after my sleep, I'd forget everything because hopefully that's how being drunk works ._. But I still had a panic attack before actually being able to fall asleep, because I remembered that I got on stage and sang in front of people. I didn't even look at the audience during the performance, yet I couldn't breathe with that thought in my head that everyone saw me. I grabbed the two doses of whatever tranquilliser that my mom gave me earlier this month (I was going to see a live show so she gave me those two doses just in case. It's prescribed by my psychiatrist if anyone's concerned), didn't even think about how much I should be taking per dose, and took them. I was heavily ventilating. Why would a panic attack happen hours after the anxiety-inducing event happened?

I guess the drugs worked and I slept til noon. I don't know. I just want to sleep. I'm not sleepy, but I just want to escape from all the guilt and anxiety and self-hatred, everything. I wrote the diary for yesterday and the day before, and I was so upset I couldn't stop crying afterwards. I cried myself to sleep, and I'm at the edge of tears at all times. I hate myself so much. I cannot stress this- I hate myself to the point I felt actual physical nausea and I force-vomitted after every meal. I wish I had dissociation, which is a bad thing to say, but man I just wish I would dissociate from all the self-hatred, guilt, shame, sadness and the pieces of memory from yesterday's disaster. (please don't come at me, i know dissociation shouldn't be wished)

Why am I like this. There's no way I could fix this. There's no way I could fix me. And my relationship with everyone is ruined. Because I'm a piece of crap. And it's Christmas. We gotta go to the mass tomorrow. I gotta act normal. But there's people at church. How.

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i think i just hurt another person again.

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my psychologist explained to me what is happiness and what is sadness. what they do, what they'll cause me to do, what leads to them, stuff like that.

and i sat there, almost kind of frightened.

when i feel happy, i want to kms. when i feel sad, i want to laugh. and both makes me want to sh. yes, sometimes i sh when i'm happy.

am i really that screwed up? are my emotions all twisted? that no one can explain to me what is wrong anymore?

what happened? why don't my emotions match those descriptions on the notes she gave me?

i'm screwed. i won't be able to recover. no one can save me. i should just be rotten to death.