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“I’m Outraged That my Alma Mater Would Participate in Such Immoral Admissions Practices”

by Archibald Kennedy Ford Rockefeller III, Yale ‘05

Like many of you, I awoke yesterday shocked to discover news of a horrific scandal. No, not a Gentleman’s scandal like a DUI or a stock market crash, this one was serious.

Tuesday morning, FBI investigators uncovered widespread college admissions fraud. The nationwide scam placed the sons and daughters of Hollywood actresses, CEOs, and other wealthy individuals across the country into prestigious institutions of higher learning in exchange for 6 figure cash bribes.

I was even more appalled to discover that Yale University, my own alma mater, was among the universities implicated by the FBI. When such gross misconduct that threatens to unravel the very fabric of our meritocracy occurs, it is up to us alumni to speak out. Therefore I, Archibald Kennedy Ford Rockefeller III, am here to voice my outrage.

I’ve wanted to be a Yalie ever since I was 8 years old (the age when every member of our family is told they want to be Yalie), and I did so the old-fashioned way: straight C’s at Georgetown Prep, a summer internship at Morgan Stanley where I learned how to use a printer, and a letter from my Headmaster saying I had a cold, which is why I couldn’t attend my sophomore year.

So needless to say, my first reaction was one of embarrassment. Yale has certainly had its share of missteps (I still shudder when I remember that Skull and Bones let in that boy from the Walmart family), but an admissions officer accepting a $400,000 bribe is truly a new low. I mean, what does one even buy with $400,000? 1/3 of a stripper’s silence?

But most of all, I felt angry. Angry that the Dean, or as I call him: Father’s Golfing Buddy, allowed this to happen. And angrier still that an institution whose academic rigor, and unwavering moral compass I cherished would now forever be tainted by bribery and ignominy.

When I’m on campus next year at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Rockefeller Family Gymnasium, I’ll feel a pang of sorrow knowing that some students are only enjoying its Olympic-sized swimming pool due to some gauche “quid pro quo.”

Worse still, the normally delicious chicken risotto in the Kennedy Dining Hall just won’t taste as saffron-y when I think of the deserving student who might have eaten it alongside me. But that student’s spot was unjustly stolen by the spawn of some wannabe American dynasty. Call me a purist, but it’s not a “dynasty” if your grandparents were born in Iowa! 

Most of all, I feel pity for the children of these celebrities. For they will never know what it’s like to attend a glorious institution like Yale through merit. They will never know the struggle of asking Grandfather to donate a rugby field, and then having to ask richer Grandfather to donate another, larger rugby field. I had to fight every step of the way to earn that coveted admissions letter, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[by Paul McCallion]

[paulandjohnny]

Which PaulandJohnny.Tumblr.com Content Creator Are You, Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

Horoscopes are super in right now, and we thought we’d jump onto the train! Be patient though – we don’t know much about the zodiac. Keep in mind, our lack of knowledge of astrology is matched only by our thirst for attention from twinks.

Oh wow, we’re starting! Okay, this one’s easy. Johnny’s an Aries! You’re Johnny. One down, eleven to go.

What are the cut-off dates again? Johnny might be this one, actually. He’s definitely the one with horns. Oh shit, they both have horns. They really couldn’t have come up with more differentiation in the animals? Ok, for safety, let’s just put this one as Johnny too.

Johnny note: Paul says that if we put three ‘Johnny’s in a row, I’d be in deeper shit than an uninsured single mom under Graham-Cassidy.” Paul note: That’s right, I’m political, bitch! You’re Paul.

A quick google search says that cancers are “deeply intuitive and sentimental.” Paul once donated bone marrow, and the little girl who received it sent him a thank you card. He lost it and wasn’t like, that mad about it? Yikes. Safe to say you’re Johnny.

One time Johnny called a lion “hot”. It was weird, but like, you kinda get it right? Something about those big paws on your neck, tail thwacking against your bare skin… Anyway, you’re Paul.

Isn’t this the hot, thin woman? This one can be Johnny, who’s also very thin :)

Oh honey don’t even TALK to me about scales!! I go to the doctor and I say “Doctor! I need you to do two things today: French me in the elevator like Meredith in Grey’s anatomy, and lie, lie, LIE to me about my weight!! I KNOW I’ve put on a little extra, but you know I need my daily chocolate croissant from Magnolia’s. It’s that or I just might set the house on fire with my husband and kids inside and just start over. Amirite Ladies?!” (…Paul? Right?)

The sign for Scorpio is a lobster, and lobsters are BOTTOM-feeders. ;)

You know what else is a bottom-feeder? The flatfish…which is in the phylum Chordata. And other organisms in this same phylum include, whitefish, carp, and pike…  which are all commonly used to prepare the dish gefilte fish. And gefilte fish is a delicacy served commonly in Jewish homes. Johnny eats ass. You’re Johnny.

Sagittarius. We felt like this should’ve lent itself to a drag name, so we pitched on it for a while. The best we could come up with was “Sagittarrie Usderwood.” Like Carrie Underwood? We know, it’s not great. Paul came up with it. You can be Paul.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Elvis Presley, Sir Isaac Newton. All Capricorns. All muscle pups. You’re Paul.

Paul has held a grudge against the musical Hair ever since Ben Brantley described his onstage nudity as “unpalatable” and his subsequent rendition of Age of Aquarius “pitchy, and deeply traumatizing to the matinee audience of the Shubert’s Hello, Dolly!”. You’re Johnny.

Honestly, if you’ve gotten this far, you should be a little embarrassed that you put this much stock into the zodiac. Astrology is just a list of personality traits calculated to be just vague enough to lead you to believe they apply only to you. Paul knows that, because he’s an ENFJ.

[paulandjohnny]

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EXCLUSIVE: Timelog of the Dustin Lance Black / Tom Daley Wedding

To Whom It May Concern:

We’ve recently procured a timelog of the wedding of Tom Daley (TD) and Dustin Lance Black (DLB) on May 6, 2017. The author remains unknown. At great personal risk, we’ve decided to leak the full document as found, adding notes/links to provide context. Read at your own discretion.

-J & P

THE MORNING - BOVEY CASTLE GROUNDS

MAY 6, 2017

08:00: Families of betrothed and wedding staff arrive.

08:05 Ferret and his trainer arrive at the castle grounds, to entertain the children TD’s guests.

08:47: The eagle trainer arrives with eagle, Rosie. TD wants to say hi, is too scared.

09:22 Burberry arrives, fits DLB for suit, sprays suit-like body paint onto TD.

09:44 TD roams Bovey Castle, asks who knows how to tie a tie.

10:50 Photography team assembles, are met by the couple and their families.

11:14 DLB and TD arrive at bridge for photoshoot planned for 11:00.

11:15 TD decides he “wants to feed the duckies,” sends someone to get whole grain millet bread to feed them.

11:38 TD names duckling ‘Duckie.’

11:39 Rosie the Eagle flies by, eviscerates ‘Duckie.’ Metaphor not lost on DLB.

11:40 TD cries. (1/3)

11:45 The photoshoot begins. This photo is taken.

12:50 Photoshoot ends, DLB approves two photos to be posted to instagram. [editor’s note: whether or not FaceTune was used is, at the time of publication, unknown]

13:00 Guests begin to take their seats on either TD’s or DLB’s side of the aisle (twinks, older twinks, respectively).

13:03 Willam sits on twink side. Side eye is given.

13:02 DLB’s cousin pooped on (Rosie).

THE CEREMONY - BOVEY CASTLE GARDENS

13:15 Ceremony begins.

13:18 TD walks down the aisle to the London Gay Men’s chorus’ all-baritenor arrangement of One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful.”

13:18 DLB sees TD walk down the aisle, and he “can’t wipe the silly [sic] grin [sic] off his damn face.”

13:23 Willam steps up to give a reading, misunderstands concept.

13:47 Vows begin.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: the notes here were unclear at best, covered by Rosie the Eagle’s poop at worst. We’ve transcribed the quotes we could decipher.]

13:48 Priest explains the couple has written their own DLB has written the couple’s vows.

13:49 TD begins his vows. “Dustin, … [indecipherable] … to have and to hold … [indecipherable] … I vow to keep Sam Smith blocked on all social media … [indecipherable] … richer, or for poorer… [indecipherable] ...abide by the parental controls you set on my Snapchat.”

13:55 DLB begins his vows. “Tom, I … [indecipherable] ... which has complete historical precedent in ancient Greece, where it was seen as almost a ‘mentor-like’ relationship … [indecipherable] … in sickness, and in health, I … [indecipherable] … and although When We Rise never quite found its audience, its impact … [indecipherable] … with this ring, I thee wed.

14:08 DLB reaches back towards a groomsman, who sighs, then reluctantly hands him his Oscar statuette. “Well, THAT’S not a ring!” Dustin says, panning around grinning. No one laughs.

14:09 TD hands DLB his ring. “I give you this ring. It’s bronze which is really just as nice as a gold ring, and is still the third-best possible ring that anyone could--”

14:10 TD cries. (2/3)

14:11 The priest says ”speak now or forever hold your peace.” There are no objections. TD’s mother looks around: wistful, yet resigned.

14:12 “I now pronounce you: married.” Crowd cheers. Rosie screeches.

THE RECEPTION - BOVEY CASTLE BALLROOM

15:34 Guests begin filing into the ballroom.

18:01 Guests seen half-heartedly moving “protein balls” around floral wedding china.

18:24 DLB’s best man gives toast: “I first met Dustin when we were both sophomores at UCLA-- (TD exclaims, “That’s the year i was born!” gleefully.) --and who could’ve guessed, only 48 years after Marsha P. Johnson threw that brick…” (TD whispers to DLB: “Is she a friend of yours?”)

18:34 TD’s best man gives toast: “My mum said I could go to this, but she said I had to pay to rent my own tux which kinda blows. Stoked for my mate Tom-O though, this party bloody rules! Anyway, in December of year 10 [editor’s note: 9th grade] of Eggbuckland [editor’s note: a real place] we saw Dustin give his bloody awesome speech after winning the Oscar for this old Hollywood movie, ‘Milk.’ TD turned to me and said ‘I’m gonna marry that man. Also, can you ask your mum if I can have another soda?’ And guess what? He got both.”

18:58 Guests mill about ballroom. Grindr notifications chime.

19:00 TD shouts: “There’s got to be almost 1000 presents! Can I open one now?”

19:00 DLB says no.

19:01 TD cries. (3/3)

19:08 Willam escorts DLB’s cousin to the men’s bathroom.

19:25 DLB seen cornering speaking to several guests: “...and there’s only so much you can do as a creator! At a certain point ABC just didn’t put in the budget for publicity so what're you gonna do? I’m over it! You know? On to the next…”

19:31 DLB’s cousin pooped on again (Willam).

19:45 TD overheard talking to guest: “...knew we wanted a classic English wedding, because the culture means so much to us, and most of my friends don’t have fake IDs, so they can’t drink in the states...”

20:03 DLB and TD cut cake together (“Dustin always helps me when I use the big knife.”).

20:05 Cake is served.

20:45 Couple introduced by wedding singer as “Mr. and Mr. Lance Black.”

20:46 Couple has their first dance. Onlookers describe “lots of PDA,” “what looked like maybe lunges on Tom’s end?” and “a general feeling of foreboding.”

21:50 Guests begin to dance. Astute observers recognize the tunes as TD’s workout playlist.

23:00 Fireworks.

23:02 As fireworks continue, DLB seen whispering something (instructions?) to Rosie the Eagle. She flies off with a screech.

23:46 Guest begin to leave.

MAY 7, 2017

01:02 Dustin Lance Black positively TRASHES that ass.

01:24 Rosie screeches. She’s found me in the air vent over their bedroom. Sam Smith’s eyeball is clutched in her beak. I’ve been compromised. If you find this journal tell the Emmy eligibility committee that I [transcript ends.]

Unfortunately, the transcript ends here. If anyone has any more information, or a working link to Dustin Lance Black’s sex tape, PLEASE send a twitter direct message to @jlazebnik or @orangepaulp.