pink-devolve - Tumblr blog

[pink-devolve]

How to make life feel worth living when you have crippling anxiety and PTSD no borax no glue

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Y’all I feel so fucking awful and gross and ugh why does every seemingly nice person that comes into my life have to hurt me

This is another rant post sorry elohel(small NSFW mention, 18+ post)

I was seeing this really awesome trans guy I met on a dating app for the past two weeks, and this morning he bought me coffee. On the way back he said “You’re also 21 right?” and I responded with “No I’m 18”. He kinda freaked out and said that he didn’t know that, and that he didn’t feel comfortable being with someone that is 18. Which is fair?? But also my profile on the dating app says I’m 18, and I mentioned to him that I was taking a gap year like 5 times.

So I dropped him back off at his dorm and got super fucking upset. I feel so gross. I keep thinking like, did he not care enough to check that?? It’s obviously a boundary of his, why did he let me get attached and then not fucking check that??

Last night we fvcked, and it was really intimate and nice. I think it might have been the first time I did that without using it as self harm or being taken advantage of. I felt safe and comfortable enough with him to fall asleep with him holding me, which I’ve only ever been able to let one person do before. I woke up to them playing with my hair, and I just felt so pretty and cared for. And he didn’t care enough to check my fucking age, and now we’re probably never going to see each other again.

I texted him later saying that I respect his boundaries and thanked him for giving me a good experience, and he responded with “Yeah. Just for future reference, a 21 year old wanting to date you is a red flag. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a pretty big fucking deal. You’ll understand when you’re older.” What the fuck does that mean??? Don’t fucking treat me like a child when I’m barely 3 years younger than you and we literally had s3x the night before. It didn’t feel creepy until he started patronizing me.

So now all day, I’ve been super fucking triggered. I already have so so much sexual trauma, and when I try to have a sexual experience that’s positive and healing, I fucking can’t. I feel so so gross too. I was vulnerable and trusted him, and he hurt me. He didn’t even care enough about me to look at my age. Maybe I just don’t deserve people that actually care about me.

I keep checking Instagram to see if he’s messaged me. I just want him to ask me if I’m doing okay, and then I could say “yeah, I’ve had kind of a sad day but I’m taking care of myself” and then I could at least know that he cares enough to check on me.

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One of the worst parts of being a ramcoa survivor is not having a space to talk about your story, because it’s too upsetting for other people to hear about.

Not only can I not vent about it, but I can’t even talk about the things I went through. I’ve had two therapists drop me because they couldn’t handle it. One time when I was in the hospital, my nurse started crying and had to go home for the rest of the day. One of my ex partners broke up with me because they didn’t feel comfortable being with a 🚦 survivor. And I didn’t tell any of them the heavy details of my abuse. Just me surviving something I was forced into was too much for them.

And that’s not unique, every ramcoa survivor I know that has tried to find help for their trauma has had similar experiences.

I’m lucky enough to have finally found a therapist that knows how to treat me. And a week ago I said something that had happened to me, and idk what happened. He jumped and said “oh my god” like he just watched someone get killed. He immediately apologized, but it hurt. Why did I have to go through something that is so revolting to everyone.

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I met a cute guy he’s got me sending him “><“ and shit

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Ramcoa thingz when I can’t leave the town I was abused in

Ramcoa thingz when I’m working with the FBI as a barely 18yo

Ramcoa thingz when my trauma causes my immune system to attack my body

Ramcoa thingz when I can’t get out of bed for most of the day

Ramcoa thingz when I grieve the person I could’ve been

Ramcoa thingz when non-survivors rarely believe me

Ramcoa thingz when I pass out from thinking about things too hard

Ramcoa thingz when I see people from my group that no longer recognize me

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As someone who is a programmed PF-DID system, we need to stop using the term HC-DID. Here’s why ⬇️

1. The system that coined the term is a groomer and is anti-semitic. There is evidence(some screenshots included below) of the MayMay system(The 20y/o coiner of the term) being sexual towards minors up to 5 years younger than them. In MayMay’s discord server, 15 year olds are allowed in NSFW channels that have sexting in them. MayMay has joked about sexually assaulting a 16 y/o. There is a 15 year old that seems to always be with MayMay, and constantly talks about interacting with MayMay in a NSFW context. Etc etc etc. There have also been screenshots of MayMay using the term “Jew” as a derogatory insult.

2. The term excludes programmed systems that do not have a highly complex case of DID Many programmed systems can not use the term “HC-DID” due to having OSDD, not having PF-DID, etc. All programmed systems have distinct differences from non-programmed systems, but programmed systems without a highly complex case of DID don’t have a straightforward term to describe their experience. I’ve seen a lot of people use the term HC-DID and programmed interchangeably, and imo that’s not fair to other survivors trying to find community.

3. You can have a highly complex case of DID and not be programmed. You can have trauma that is just as extreme as the trauma experienced by programmed systems, end up with a highly complex case of PF-DID, and not be programmed. I’ve met some non-programmed PF-DID systems with insane system structures. One system I knew was not programmed, but had hundreds of different alters, all with very specific roles, hierarchy, and layers, that all fronted to do very specific tasks. They told me they had a specific alter who fronted to wash their hands, and another specific alter who fronted to sleep on wednesdays. Their case could absolutely be considered highly complex, but again, they weren’t programmed.

4. We have terms used/created by professionals, that don’t have any of these issues. The terms mind-controlled DID (MC-DID) and Torture based mind control DID (TBMC-DID) have both been coined by professionals, can be used with other plural disorders(MC-OSDD), or to describe all plural disorders at once(MC-system), can’t be used to describe non-programmed systems, etc.

Overall, I don’t have an issue with individuals that use the term HC-DID, I just think it’s annoying that it’s the default way to say “programmed system”. I honestly think the term is a fine way to describe systems with a highly complex structure, and should still be used in that context. But if we do that, the term should be open to non-programming survivors as well. There is absolutely no reason to fight over this term. It’s really not that deep. But if you’d like to debate respectfully I am happy to.

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When I get too curious and open the folder labeled “-Memories”

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Yo I haven’t really seen anyone talking about this, but there are certain parts of Hazbin Hotel that can be extremely triggering for survivors of RAMCOA and SA.

I just finished watching the show and I loved it. But episode four was extremely triggering for me.

I will be describing a couple scenes somewhat thoroughly, none of which are super important to the plot, but all of which may be triggering to read. I think it’s important to have a trauma informed description of these scenes out there.

This is NSFW, the episode is 18+ and I don’t recommend that people under 18 read this. However if you’re going to watch this episode anyways, you deserve to have trigger warnings as well.

(Spoilers for episode four and minor NSFW under the cut)

The episode starts off with a warning for depictions of sexual abuse. The warning lasts for about 10-20 seconds, and that was enough for me to read it fully. This warning is very brief and does not describe the extent of what is shown in the episode. After the warning, it jumps into a scene where Angel Dust is tied to a chair, and an interrogator comes out and starts to have s3x with him. This is shown to be a CNC ✨film✨ when it zooms out to show Angel Dust playing it for the residents of Hazbin Hotel. Even knowing it is just a ✨film✨, I found it a little odd that it was the first scene shown, especially without prior context.

The next scene I wanted to talk about is when Angel is about to start filming with his boss, Valentino. Again this is going to include spoilers, I’m going to try and keep them minimal but yk.

Charlie decides that she is going to go to Valentino’s studio and demand that Angel spends more time at the hotel. She trips and causes an accident. Valentino pulls Angel into his dressing room, and starts physically abusing him. He uses his smoke abilities to shackle Angel’s hands and neck, putting Angel on a leash. He then drags Angel forward and shows Angel the contract he signed at one point, letting Valentino own his soul. Afterwards he says a series of lines reminding Angel that he is unable to say no, one being “If I say you’re fvcking 20 guys before lunch, you say..”

As a tr4ffick1ng survivor myself, this scene kinda fucked me up. What is going on between Angel and Val is blatant tr4ffick1ng, and it doesn’t say anything about this in the warning at the beginning of the episode.

Soon after this, Angel has a musical number. The music video for this shows a lot of k1nk gear, “C”NC, Angel being clearly distressed and scared, etc. With the added context of Angel being unable to say no, all of this was again, pretty triggering for me. In one scene, Angel is blindfolded and has something out on to keep his mouth open, he is then thrown onto the floor, and pushed “onto” someone. This was the most upsetting scene for me.

The only notable scene after this, is when Angel goes to a bar and a guy spikes his drink. It’s pretty unrealistic and didn’t personally upset me, but I do think it’s important to mention.

Honestly??? Even with it being triggering, this was my favorite episode. I was able to use coping skills and watch it with a friend, and I took a break after the musical number to talk and eat food. This episode in general does a really great job at fleshing out Angel’s character, and gives him a lot of depth that we haven’t previously been that exposed to. After the scenes I described, it gets better and Angel is able to open up for the first time, which I think is nice.

With all of that being said, I do think this is a weird episode to have in a serious typically marketed as 16+. In the warning on this episode, it does say that it’s for people 18 and older. But idk how they expect a 16 year old to just not watch the one episode said to be 18+.

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Hey!

I am going to stop editing the blocklist I made on this account, and I am going to be creating a new one using the account @radqueer-blocklistt

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Ramcoa survivor moment when I try to do something normal at work and just get violent flashbacks

How tf do I tell my manager I can’t clean the mop bucket because I was ritually abused

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sorry if you don't want these asks but... for the blocklist, kodoamo supports transids, states the only reason h*'s not a radqueer is because h* DOESN'T consider h*mself anti-harassment, and coined "arissonazi" (arriso- terms are supposed to be a way of describing atypical dysphoria in less harmful ways, and is *not* meant to include shit that's basically transnazi but kodoamo doesn't give a shit)

as a jewish system im so overjoyed to discover this /s

YO HUH

I’ll look him over when I get off work and add him, but that’s fucking wild

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i’m the owner of antirq-blocklist, unless there’s another one rq-blocklist and antirq-blocklist should be the same thing. i change the url to not be confused with radq-blocklist and it might’ve gotten caught up as a seperate entity when it’s not. letting you know bc idk if anyone else would and i don’t want people getting confused /g

Thank you!! Also thank you for being a normal person!!

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Anyways guys I got payed enough to buy the pastel patchwork build-a-bear frog, and I got the last one at my local store 💪💪💪

(His name is popsicle and he’s bubble gum scented)

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ciel got termed again his new blog is sootdazai

Haha L

It’s almost like when you claim to assault people, your account is going to get taken down

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Ugh added some animal predators to the list

Why did I fucking join this hellsite

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I've only just come back to the tumblr community after a long inactivity and had no idea what radqueer was, went through several of the blogs listed just to vet for myself if they were as bad as implied and become disgusted and sick of so many that made made light of traumas and issues I endure. I've went through the radqueer tag blocking most of the accounts for my wellbeing, thank you for bringing this community to my attention.

Im really glad this was helpful for you. Ive mentioned it a couple times, but I was made aware of these people when three people in my ramcoa support group were found to be “transramcoa”

As you said, these people are disgusting and romanticize struggles they don’t have. It enrages me. But the best thing we can do is to just support each other and keep them out of our safe spaces however possible.

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Hey! I saw an anon asking about this, but you only allowed for paraphilias, can endogenic systems reblog the anti-rq blocklist?

Yes because I think everyone deserves to keep these people out of their communities. However, I do not want endogenic systems interacting with my page other than reblogging