pluvioprincess

[pluvioprincess]

or i’m a healthy baby girl who traded sunshine for disease

eating disorders aren’t fucking romantic, please recover if you can

tw tw tw tw tw tw tw tw

after not eating more than 50cal for the past week i literally have not been able to stand up without almost passing out. i am so energetic around my friends and the second no one is around i am nothing. a shell of a person. i have nothing left to give all i think about all day is my eating disorder.

i watched the wwc yesterday and my friends cooked a delicious looking meal and i sat there and drank water. even if i wanted to eat it, which i somewhat did, i literally fucking can’t anymore. i can’t eat anymore. i, not on purpose, throw up anything i eat. even safe foods. i felt so sick after eating half a cucumber that i had to leave school early.

i decided to have a 270cal udon to regulate my bmr (base metabolic rate), every single bite was painful. i couldn’t enjoy it, even though all i think about is food, because i could feel my body rejecting it.

i fell asleep immediately after eating it, my body was so overwhelmed because it is literally eating away at itself for nutrients that digesting a small microwave bowl of udon was too much work to do.

i had a shower and immediately threw it up. not on purpose. i threw it all up.

i feel fucking awful. i have no happiness in my life, everything is overshadowed with the compulsive need to not eat.

i am lying to everyone in my life and it feels horrible. my closest friends are worried about me (i think) and it doesn’t feel good. all i ever wanted was people to worry about me but it does not feel good. i feel like a fucking child.

i look awful. my skin is so pale as all the colour has drained from my face. the bags under my eyes stretch to my cheeks. i can’t look at myself anymore. i never was able to, it was always hard, but i feel like i’m going to throw up when i see myself now.

everything on my body hurts; i wake up with a headache, my jaw is in pain, every single foot step is exhausting. i have to sit down if i walk up the stairs. i am freezing cold all the time, i can feel parts of my body shutting down.

yes i want to be skinny, but eating disorders aren’t about weight loss - they are about control. i thought i was gaining control of my eating but i’ve lost control of my life and my recovery. i thought ana would feel better than bed but they are both awful. i am out of control and i feel helpless.

i hate who i’m becoming.

please try to recover, nothing is worth this.

[pluvioprincess]

oh things are bad for me i fear

[pluvioprincess]

fallen right back down, further than before

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i am so cold it is so cold and i haven’t felt anything in weeks

[pluvioprincess]

you’re just in time make your tea and your toast

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i’m so cold

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please go to sleep

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i fucking hate hate hate hate hate myself

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or im just really fucking selfish and really fucking lost

[pluvioprincess]

i had a dream you called me pretty and i told you you were wrong

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characters who i have the same personality type as </3 (infj)

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if hello just means goodbye then honey better walk away

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i just want something to care about

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i’ve gilded each bar of my cage

[pluvioprincess]

(oh please)

[pluvioprincess]

i can’t feel anything

[pluvioprincess]

year long headache