prosebyday - Tumblr blog

[prosebyday]

With bellies full, gazes fixed and the setting sun, I was intoxicated by his scent. From our first kiss, there's been such desire -- interrupting our moment, a woman placed a dog on our laps and photographed us, exclaiming "puppy love!" I don't want to break my gaze from the warmth of cocoa irises, so I kiss with my eyes open, he does too, then he carries me to my room.

puppy love // grazia curcuru

[prosebyday]

After years of skimming books, Skipping chapters, spoiling endings – You decided to read me differently.  To caress the spine gently, savor every moment Linger on each word, softly turn each page To take things slowly.  That’s what we said.  You scribbled your annotations Dogeared my corners And tore out every page of me worth something On your journey of self discovery. I’m left splayed open, torn, jagged. we never made it to the end,  You decided it wasn’t fair to keep stringing me along After you already strung me along. You took me back to the beginning To the bench that started it all,  you spoke the words to end it You care more about the symmetry, the symbolism, than the cruelty of leaving me crying in the cold. I know exactly who I am, I can recall those pages by memory, I'll rewrite them, tuck them in gently. I might just be a little sloppy until I find the time to stitch my booklets and refinish my binding But you're left with my fragments. You still don't know who you are, who I am, you've learned nothing. You projected onto me never saw me as an equal and used me to try to grow. All you've done is take and hurt. Many years my elder and far less mature.

I am not the solution to your identity crisis // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

These days I'm more discerning Ever-changing, ever learning Although I may be a delight Access to me is a privilege, not a right. I'm more careful where I scrawl my thoughts I fill journals as my heart twists in knots I once saw everything as content to consume but like a saguaro cactus, I finally bloom. After months of winter and precipitate flowers are blossoming - a beautiful state. The environment was harsh, always facing strife it's rare to grow adornment, a badge to honor life. Tough spiny armor contrasts the soft white The cactus flower blooms at night

Bloom // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

my health is in shambles more pain more pills more side effects I can't drive at night my vision's getting blurrier knuckle's stiff and aching routine slowly breaking I'm losing everything everyone I don't want to leave my bed I feel pity for myself again I'm too young to feel this dead

[prosebyday]

the spark never died the fire grew and engulfed us both in flames

grazia curcuru

[prosebyday]

You were all I ever wanted. It’s astonishing to be loved deeply To love with such ferocity, passion. Will we burn each other up? Or will the spark die down? I love you with my all I know this to be true and nothing has ever felt so right as the love I share with you.

Back in your arms // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

Grief is a lifeboat I am safe but all alone lost in the ocean, seeking shore. I am hungry, weak running out of sustenance soon. I am thirsty, my throat is dry I cannot drink the salt water. Clustered in a computer lab, we started our lecture on Grief & Loss. My grief is a row behind, 2 seats to the left if he was a knight he could advance, attack. He has armor, sure, not of shining steel, just the façade he hides behind. Grief is a storm rolling in overhead. I can't always feel the rain pouring but I know it's coming. It's not always dark and cloudy but storm clouds linger. It's the numbness but threat of agony. He knows no code of chivalry but still lingers back to open doors for me trying to keep my pace down the hall, the stairs. Today was the first time he spoke to me since I drove off in a storm, sobbing, hoping my windshield wipers would work. I'd rather leave and sit on the side of the road than let him keep me another night, telling me it's not safe to drive. Grief is an open wound I clean and bandage it, try to keep the dressing dry I thought it was healing but it's bleeding, oozing. Rip off the bandaid it'll only hurt for a second clean and dress the wound. Don't let infection set in.

My grief, your loss // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

I should be more wary of my judgement. He spoke so much of steel I thought he must be stainless. I trusted his longevity  while he was shiny and new, but he was titanium— corroding, scuffing. The only steel he was Was stealing my time Wasting it With his lies.

Man of Steel part 2 // Grazia Curcuru

Read: Man of Steel part 1

[prosebyday]

Glacier National Park

Grazia Curcuru

7/8/23

Grinnell Glacier, Many Glacier, Glacier National Park

I felt unstoppable today hiking the iconic Grinnell Glacier hike, my watch recorded 40k steps and Gaia recorded 13.6 miles, it was supposed to be 10.6 miles but I chose to hike down to Lake Grinnell at the bottom after hiking up to Upper Grinnell , because the lake looked so beautiful. I didn’t get any blisters but my toes were sore and as soon as we got to the lake I dipped my toes in the water. I felt amazing for hours after. A few hours later I felt the stiffness set in, I had to get ice out of the cooler for my knees because I couldn’t really move. 

7/9/23

Lake MacDonald, West Glacier, Glacier National Park 

We rested our legs and rented kayaks on Lake MacDonald in West Glacier after an early morning drive along Going to the Sun Road. It felt amazing to still explore while resting my sore muscles. I got to exercise my muscles that don’t get used on a hike. We walked the tourist trap shops, lined with Huckleberry jams, syrups, flavored coffees, all claiming to be “fought from the claws of grizzly bears.” They even sold scented tshirts, which did not seem very bear safe in an environment where we needed scent-proof bear bags for our food, lipbalm, sunscreen, a bear lock on our bear proof cooler, and bear spray on us at all times. I bought a Glacier National Park patch, like I do at every national park I’ve done a “deserving” hike at, because it makes me feel like a Girl Scout. I plan to sew them on a denim jacket. I picked the prettiest patch, with mountain goats, lakes, meadows, wildflowers – even though it had mountain goats – one of the few animals I hadn’t seen here yet. The lady at the register told me I can’t wear the patch until I see a mountain goat. I had one day left and knew I had to find one. 

It was brutally hot and sunny, so we went back to Lake MacDonald. There were children paddleboarding, insisting they’d “found a barrel” and they “think it’s full of oil.” The beach wasn’t sandy, it was formed with smooth small rocks. The water was crystal clear and warmed by the afternoon sun. The view of the mountains we kayaked towards hours earlier was directly in front of us as we swam and enjoyed the water, sharing giggles, a child laid face down on the hot rocky beach to “work on his tan.” 

7/10/23

Pitamaken Pass, Two Medicine, Glacier National Park

Pitamaken Pass was the most intensely grueling, gorgeous, and insane hike I’ve ever been on. There was so much exposure on the edge of the mountains, with a narrow trail and talus (loose rock), that tumbles under your feet down the side of the mountain. But it was a TRAIL, so it was still one of the least dangerous mountain hikes I’ve been on, because it’s maintained. There were gorgeous wildflower meadows and these funny white “bear paws” everywhere, they look like giant q-tips and only bloom every 5 years.

The trail changed so much over the 18 miles we hiked, from dense forest, muggy, humid and lush with brush; to trickling rivers with meadows, juniper, bushes, butterflies and red rocks; to walking along the rich blue of Old Man Lake. Then the slog of climbing up 1,000ft over a mile and 3,200 ft of elevation gain total (with a lot of up and down, which makes it feel like you’re never making progress). My brain was throbbing in my skull, rapid pulse, and swaying balance. I thought it must be dehydration or electrolytes, I told Adam I thought I was going to be sick, it was over an hour before I realized we had maxed out our altitude for this trip so far ~8,000ft, after only sleeping at ~5,000ft. So I carried on, tossed some Propel electrolyte mix in my Nalgene and took my shirt off to cool down, all in measures not to pass out, but also kept moving because the sun was beating down. There was no breeze or shade, but I hoped there would be both on the other side of the Pass. It didn’t come as quickly as I needed it, but as a breeze picked up once we got to the top – so did my dizzying headache. Once we got to the Pitamaken overlook on the continental divide, I sat on a slab of marble and ate some trail mix in the shade.

The next 3 miles of the trail looked like a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Our footsteps clashed like we were breaking tiles on the shrapnel of sedimentary rock. The rocks above and around us were flaky and layered like good pastry, but horrifying to walk on as they crumble around you. Beneath us was a steep drop down to the vibrant greens of pine forests, cool alpine lakes and trickling rivers, juxtaposing the crumbling gray and brown rocks we balanced and wobbled on. As I rounded the corner, I saw a scruffy white goat in the distance on top of the pass with mountains behind it. It didn’t look anything like the long-haired, fluffy rocky mountain goat you see in all the Glacier National Park merch, but July is shedding season. I took a picture and 4 more goats appeared and started grazing… on what, I don’t know, since I can’t recall anything growing at that altitude. I finally saw my mountain goat, 5 mountain goats. 

Storm clouds rolled in and it’s dangerous to be above the treeline in a storm. I picked up the pace, but the descent proved to be steeper and looser – it’s tricky to get traction on loose sand. The next few miles were a blur, a race against a storm. Eventually, I saw juniper next to my boots and looked up - I made it to a meadow, where things can grow! And I saw trees nearby. As I entered dense brush again, it was hot and humid, I was overheating and stripping layers. The dark clouds brought us some cooling shade and a light sprinkle, but it didn’t last long before the sun, heat and humidity were back and worse than ever. I was so hungry and sore and tired but I just wanted to get out so I kept my pace. 

Once we started bumping into older adults with trekking poles and no water or backpacks, I knew we were close because we parked near a campground. I took off my boots and socks, stood in a cold river to ice my swollen toes and watched a wedding party take pictures with the mountains while I ate trailmix, dirty and sweaty.

[prosebyday]

It was right to stop trusting you. In time apart I feel renewed, awakened by my own delight finding comfort in sweet morning light. I'll put myself out there, sure But what's the rush I don't need the adoration of some crush. I'll keep the fruit bowl full of ripe selection To satisfy my cravings and nourish my body And I will not settle without true connection.

alone // grazia curcuru

[prosebyday]

The leaves are changing color, I'm harvesting pumpkins from the garden, the nights are getting colder - it's growing harder to keep myself warm Alone. So I exercise to keep up my heart rate I put extra blankets on my bed because there's no sweaty man here to tell me it's too many. I get the heated mattress pad out and preheat the bed for myself because it's not cuffing season it's bundle season. I will swaddle myself and lay myself on a warmer like a newborn baby because I have been reborn and I'm sensitive right now.

Cold nights // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

You wanted the back of my head - you never wanted me. When I told you what I needed you couldn't respect a boundary. You push me and you push me and you're angry that I'm snippy. You tell me I'm too serious because I'm fighting for you to respect me. Maybe I'd be more "fun and playful" if my basic needs were being met but you're talking about my body like it's an object on which to bet.

I can't live like this // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

My lover left a whole cake in my fridge And then he went on a diet. He bought cinnamon rolls, cupcakes, candy And left them all behind.  I hate to see food go to waste,  I tried a slice of cake and threw the rest away He knows the reason I taste so sweet – I’d rather indulge in fruit than cake,  I don’t need all this junk in my life It feels like a burden he’s left behind.  A hookup brought me ice cream sandwiches Tucked them in my freezer And went to bed with me. The dessert has been sitting in my freezer a week  Before I got around to trying it. It’s much better than I expected,  The sandwich cookies are chocolate chip, soft  like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream The thoughts of that night, that man still lingers So sweet like the ice cream in my freezer.

Desserts

[prosebyday]

A man of steel vs my man of wood  A night in shining armor vs a tree without bark,  Heat the steel to brand my skin light a match to watch the wood burn. I know who is stronger, who will last longer,  and who will simply rot if not kept under my care. Wood finishes my sentences but doesn’t understand them. Steel understands my face and acts before I have to speak at all.  We work together. A silent dance in synchronicity. 

Man of Steel // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

I’m a better lover to myself than you ever were to me I make the best coffee for myself in the morning I keep myself warm at night, snuggled up in blankets I worked on the lawn and garden today I cook myself meals from homegrown veggies I’ve spent all week since I sent you away cleaning the house and it’s so much easier just doing everything I asked of you by myself, then waiting for someday when you might do it,  because someday never comes.  I do everything you did for me without the resentment you showed me because I love myself enough, I see my worth, I don’t resent me like you do and I still have so much time on my hands to be a person,  instead of taking on the burden of your emotional needs.  I can’t be a therapist, a mother, a provider each day to my partner.  I can do so much more for myself with that time and energy.  I love you and I deserve so much more.

August 19, 2023 // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

Choosing him highlights my indiscretion  He never loved me, I was just a hyperfixation His greatest obsession. My therapist told me not to be such an open book but he still tried to convince me I was a manipulative liar.  I was upfront and honest, he agreed to the terms Meanwhile he lied about himself fundamentally I wasn’t willing to be his possession  so he took out his aggression we fell into a depression the only way out was secession.  I truly believed what we had was special until it was over and my worldview dissolved.  He was so obsessed with me  he lied about everything  to keep me in his grubby little hands I hate myself for not noticing, for not getting out sooner. I’m still figuring out more of his lies every day, picking up the pieces that he left behind, and cleaning up his mess.

"Obsession" // Grazia Curcuru

[prosebyday]

It’s cruel to be so young and so sick. I play the role of health and productivity. It feels like a secret… am I finally mysterious? Self destructive behaviors are passed off these days as comedy. My peers are out partying late into the night, stumbling from one drink to the next, coughing smoke out of their lungs, free of pain and disease, with functioning organs. Meanwhile I have to get liver function tests every 3 months, because my life-saving medicine can also make my organs fail. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I wish I didn't have to explain my deviation from the norm. Autoimmune diseases suck. Instead of fighting infection, my immune system is attacking my joints, causing swelling, pain, and permanently deforming my body. To fight the disease, I take a medication to suppress my immune response. Now I’m always sick- colds, allergies, bronchitis, and seemingly a constant supply of infections. I’m forced to choose between destroying my immune system and my immune system destroying me.

Destroy me, already // Grazia Curcuru