reckoner-rm

[reckoner-rm]

I had the feeling that I was at home when I'm with him. This is a deep and intense feeling that i find it difficult to express more than that.

I have never felt home , not even in my own …

[reckoner-rm]

The whole world may hurt you, and one person can make you happy.

That same person may one day hurt you, and the whole world will be unable to make you happy.

[reckoner-rm]

I always think of you before I fall asleep.

The words you said,

the way you looked.

The things we laughed about,

the silent moments we shared.

And when I dream,

I'll dream of you

Because it's about you,

it's always about you.

[reckoner-rm]

The difference between you and i

was our eyes

not because mine are brown

and yours are blue

but because mine gazed up at you and saw something I loved beyond measure

and yours looked down at me and saw something you'd like to destroy

[reckoner-rm]

you were my "yes",

but i was only your "maybe"

[reckoner-rm]

We were never lovers.

We were two addicts sharing the same poison.

But only one of us overdosed.

[reckoner-rm]

You gave me affection

like a drug dealer hands over poison-smiling,

knowing I'd crawl back for more even after it killed me.

[reckoner-rm]

I didn't make myself small on purpose.

It just felt easier

when no one seemed to have room for all of me.

I learned how to hide it.

How to smile when it hurt.

How to take up less space before anyone asked me to.

[reckoner-rm]

My parents didn't teach me how to feel.

They taught me how to perform.

Be polite.

Be quiet.

Get it right the first time.

I learned to scan the room before I even walked in to choose my words carefully, watch my tone,

like I was always being graded on how easy I was to be around.

Mistakes didn't mean "try again."

They meant "you let us down."

Crying made things worse.

Getting angry made me the problem.

So I became what they wanted polite, calm, easy to manage.

And somewhere in that version of me, I lost the one who actually felt things.

[reckoner-rm]

I stopped expecting anyone to love me.

I was still a kid when I learned I wasn't easy to love.

[reckoner-rm]

i stopped expecting comfort, stopped asking to be seen. i learned to disappear in full rooms, to shrink in plain sight. it's easier than asking for something that was never mine. it's easier than being disappointed again.

[reckoner-rm]

I’m sorry. but this is what happens when you are treated like less than human. this is what you become. not a person, just wreckage that even time won't touch, too broken to fix, too ruined to matter.

[reckoner-rm]

i am not a child. not an adult. i am a failed thing, a mix of broken parts. helpless like a child, cynical like an adult. my mind trapped and stunted, my body too big to hold, too much to love . i stumble, i hit, i fall. nothing about me fits anywhere.

[reckoner-rm]

In another universe I'm easier to love and less diffcult.

I'm sorry you had to meet in this one.

[reckoner-rm]

What do you do when the person you were made for wasn't made for you?

[reckoner-rm]

I died a lot to live a little with you.

[reckoner-rm]

لم أكن طفلاً حتّى في طفولتي