rhythmlesspiece

[rhythmlesspiece]

I've been trying to sort my thoughts out so I could better tell you how I feel, but somehow I don't know where to begin. I don't even remember how this started. I try not to think about us, but I find myself missing you. I still don't understand every thought and feeling I have, I'm still uncertain of a lot of things. The only thing I'm sure of is that I really want you. I still want you despite only feeling pain. I think of you and I know in an instant that I love you, I love you so much that it hurts. It hurts to think we're not okay. It hurts to wake up in a world without you. It hurts that we needed time off. I wish we didn't need to. I wish we were able to fix us without letting each other sleep with a heavy heart. I do hope this time apart would work, because it's only been half a day and it's already causing so much pain. I honestly didn't think this through, that it would be this hard. But I'll try harder if this is really what we need. I hope this is what you need. As for me, I've then realized that it's only you that I need.

Let me take this chance to thank you. Thank you for always trying hard to understand. Thank you for you, for always striving to be the best version of yourself. Thank you for all the times you remained calm amidst the storms, for having an open mind and a big heart. For being patient with me when I can't even get my shit together. Thank you for trying to comprehend and for trying to provide my emotional needs even when you lack the emotional capacity to do so. Thank you for allowing me to be better, for lifting me up from the shit hole I've been to. Thank you for the the things you've taught me, for all the lessons you made me realize. Thank you for being the best partner. I mean it when I say you really are the best, and I really am grateful everyday for you. I have a lot of things to be grateful for about you and I wish I could say them all in one post. But thanking you for everything would only be an understatement.

I also want to tell you I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I did have a lot of demands lately, and I realized I didn't appreciate and acknowledge you enough for all the times you tried. I became selfish and didn't realize you also have your needs too. I've been busy thinking how I can feel happy again in our relationship that I didn't even ask if you were happy. I'm sorry love. I'm sorry for not seeing you through. I'm sorry for all the times I've been too complacent. For the times I might have blurted hurtful words. For all the times I wanted you to try harder when you're already trying your best. You have a lot on your plate and I now realize that you can't always give your 100%. I'm sorry for being too needy, clingy, and demanding. I may have gotten too dependent on you that I easily get frustrated when I don't get all your attention when we're together. My apology is also a long list but I hope you feel by now how sorry I am for everything. I too have lapses and have a lot of things to adjust.

That said, I realized that I may be unintentionally hurting you. I may have gotten the best of you which led to your burn out. I unknowingly added heavy weight on top of what you carry. I can't anymore allow you losing yourself just so I can find me, you being guilty to do things you want to do just so I can be happy. While I was trying to climb back up the rope, I didn't realize you were already struggling to hold a strong grip on the other end, that your hands may already be getting tired and that you might eventually let go. It's painful to see you that way. I know you don't blame me, but I know that I'm one of the reasons. I couldn't take the thought of you hurting because of me, and I blame myself for that. I am sorry. I hope you forgive me in all my shortcomings. You already are the best partner and I know I haven't been one. I might have taken you for granted, and I'm really sorry.

I'm aware that saying sorry isn't enough. I should back it up with actions. And I'll start by acknowledging that I still have a lot to work on. I know I'm now better than I was in the past, but I also know that there's still a huge room for improvement. I will work on myself, and I'll try to figure things out. I'll be happy. I'll eventually choose to find joy and contentment. I'll be better. I'll always try to be the best version of myself. And when that time comes, I hope you'd still want to be with me. I hope you'd still be beside me, sharing our small wins. I hope we can share our happiness together. And I hope we'd be strong enough to share the bad times together as well.

I love you, and I will always do. I can't think of ways to unlove you. The moment I open my eyes, it naturally occurs to me that I'm in love with you. And yes, you still give me butterflies. I still feel love whenever I think of you. The kind of love that doesn't just fade, the kind of love that makes you strive to be better. I know I'll be better with you, and because of you. With that, I choose you, and I will keep choosing you everyday. No matter the storms, no matter the heartbreaks, at the end of the day it would still be you. I wouldn't let this setback break what we have for I believe I have found my soulmate, the person I can be myself with, the person I feel most connected to. I know you're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with. What we feel right now is valid, but I wouldn't waste true love for some temporary emotions. I hope you feel the same way. I hope you still love me the same despite everything. And I hope we give us another chance.

Here's me telling you how I feel. I'll wait 'til you're ready to tell me how you feel, and I'll try to understand whatever you need.

[rhythmlesspiece]

You are my greatest love, and my worst heartbreak.

[rhythmlesspiece]

These panic attacks I get when I think about work help me realize that i fucking hate my job. I sometimes get nightmares, or sleepless nights just thinking about it. I try to have a healthy lifestyle but stress keeps getting in the way. I've cried more often now than I ever did in my past jobs combined. I even hoped to die instead than to go on and live another day doing what I hate doing. Everyday I wake up tired, and I just can't seem to lift this weight off of me. I want to get better but I don't know how. I try to look for other jobs but to no avail.

I've been thinking if I made the wrong decision of transferring roles just because I wanted to try different things out. It has really been an undesirable outcome for me, but I realized that at least I got to figure out I loved my past job and didn't heed it until it was gone. I hope God gives me another chance.

Okay.. so I just needed to let this out. Might delete. Or not. Like anyone cares.

[rhythmlesspiece]

I've always wanted to start writing, but I always find myself grasping for words when I try to, not having any idea how to start or what to write about. I couldn't also say I'm good at it since I get to use up all my vocabulary in even the briefest sentence. I remember getting interested in it in high school, but I haven't really had any practice for quite some time now that I forgot how I loved doing it before. But hey, this is me trying to start again, hoping to find the courage in this trial post to write more even if it sucks. Yes, it will suck at first since I'll be off as bad as a starter. But who cares, it feels great to unload through writing! And I'll write more often until I get the hang of it. :)

[rhythmlesspiece]

Happy 2nd Anniversary, My Love!💕

Ohh how time flies so fast that it has already been 2 years since I've answered the easiest question there was. That day could have gone so differently, you could've joined your colleagues in their trip out of town. As for me, I might've reached the summit of Mt. Pulag for the first time. But do you realize how the universe conspired for us to meet that day despite having different plans? Just the thought of it amazes me, and it is by far the best plot twist of my life.

Since that day, I became officially yours and you, mine. We made each other happy everyday as if we need nothing more in life. It was the start of our everything. We ate good food, went to new places, had our Sundates, celebrated occasions, and kept each other company everytime. We cherished our time together as if it was always the last, and we always couldn't wait for our next date! But of course, with all those sunny days also came the storms. It hasn't been easy, you know that. We've had our fair share of struggles, we've had big fights we've never thought we'd surpass. And even up to now, we still have things we can barely figure out. But through those challenges, you know what made me stay? It is our altruistic, limitless, undying love for each other that surmounts even the greatest roadblock. It is you who greets me with a smile every morning and kisses me goodnight. You who makes my cup of Swiss Miss and prepares food for breakfast. You who buys me cookies & cream ice cream. You who gives me the last bite of my every favorite meal. You who laughs with me at the corniest jokes, and cracks me up with the most hilarious gestures. You who I can be silly with. You who hangs out with me even if we literally do nothing. You who scratches my back and gives me a soothing back massage. You who tucks me in at night and waits for me to fall asleep. You who always tells me I'm pretty in my pambahay clothes and messy hair. You who lifts my confidence up when I'm feeling down. You who puts up with my not-in-the-mood and emotional moments. You who listens to my every rant and sometimes nonsensical thoughts. You who never lets me sleep with a heavy heart. You who sits with me and talks the problem out. You who drives back for me at 2am to fetch me and look for a place to stay despite having to wake up early for work the next day. You who embraces me tight to let me know everything is going to be fine. You who stays with me and holds my hand when I'm at my weakest. You who supports me in every life decision I make. You who always gives what's best for me. You who makes me want to be a better person. And you who I want to be the best person for. Never once did I hear you complain, instead you gave me everything with a big smile on your face. You fascinate me in ways I never imagined, and with all these, love, I want to thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me since day 1 and for giving me more love than I think I deserve. Thank you for always striving hard to improve and for always showing efforts to make me happy. Thank you for being the best boyfriend, partner, and best friend. You're my favorite reason to thank God for, in your eyes I feel peace, and in your arms I find comfort. I'll forever be beyond blessed to be given the greatest blessing anyone could have. You make me the happiest, and for all you've done, know that I'll always, ALWAYS do the same for you, my love. I will be your home like you are to me. Those 2 years weren't the easiest, but life has become so much bearable because I have you in it. And with those 2 years, look how far we've come, love, stronger, wiser, and more mature than we were years back. I get surprised on how we can still grow together each day. And everyday I fall deeper in love with you, with who you are and all you've become. I promise to stay, my love, and I promise to always give my 200% to be the Angel that you deserve to have. Soon enough, we'll be able to figure things out together, with our fingers entwined, one step at a time.

May 11, 2019, I easily said yes. And now I'd still say yes all over again, without a doubt, without a micro-second beat, because right there and then I knew I made the best decision of my life. The moment I said "yes", I knew I'd be choosing you and only you for the rest of this lifetime (and most definitely beyond!).

Cheers to 2 years, love!! I'm happy I get to spend this day with you. Forever to come! I love you sooo much!! 😘🤗❤️❤️❤️

Forever madly in love with you,

Angel 😇