riddle-me-fear

[riddle-me-fear]

Hey Mr. nygma or Dr. Crane! Have you ever thought of trying a trap where batman gets his ass fear gassed and then has to solve some form of complex riddle or he'll die? I recently had a dream about that happening to me for some reason... and felt like something you'd actually try doing to batman! I mean it's gotta be hard solving riddles when you're tweaked outta your gourd

[tw: suggestive]

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Didn't ye and uh... What's his face... That egyptian pharaoh guy team up once?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler You mean Victor, King Tut? We did, yes. But uhm... That was a rather low point in my life, so it wasn't very fruitful.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Oh, I see. Won't press ya further on that then. But... we can talk 'bout it sometime? If ya want?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Yes... prehaps we could... But! That wasn't the question. So, first of all, interesting dreams you have there.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow D'ya have dreams like that mo' often? Ya maybe wanna give an adress or somethin' - in private, of course - for professional reasons?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Hhh, Jonathan, you know how that comes across, right? Also, don't you have enough test subjects already?

Dr. Jonathan Crane Eheheheh, oh my dear Edward, there isn't a limit to test subje- I mean patients. Look, anon, I understand if you don't wish to share your location, so why don't you come by the new Arkham Sanitarium some time? I may not work there anymore, but I do have my connections.

Edward stares at Jonathan for a bit longer than the other spoke.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow What? Somethin' wrong?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Hmm? Oh, no. It's still just so fascinating to me how you almost seamlessly lose your accent when you switch to "Doctor Crane"-mode. And regain it when you switch back.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Oh do I? Interestin'. Good we caught that on camera, might wanna analyze that later.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler You truly are your own favorite patient/subject, aren't you?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Well, Eddie, ya always gotta look inward first, befo' tryin' ta understand tha outside.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler How very Socrates of you. Right, well, we still haven't answered the initial question. So, have we ever thought of combining our skills to kill the Batman. Well, if you were paying attention, we actually did do that, on a much larger scale. Remember the fear-gas-bomb Jon released on the entire city? While I distracted Bats with my riddles and racing games? Thanks to Joker's infection, the fear toxin Bats was exposed to amplified the symptoms and slowly made him lose his mind. I was trying to kill him every step of the way.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Can't say I'm surprised ya remembered all that, but I'm still kinda touched. Should actually try again, nah that he's outta tha game. Robin's easy, Red Hood I got all figured out, an' I'll leave Nightwing an' Batgirl up to ya.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Yes, well... There's just one problem with that. About how we can't really get anything done around each other? Because of certain... distractions?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Right. Well, anon, as soon as Eddie stops bein' a thirsty bitch, we'll let ya know how tha plans are goin'.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Oooooh, it's just ME who's the problem, now is it?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Sure is. Hey Eddie, wanna know a lil' secret?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Hhh, sure, what is it?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Startin' a figth with ya an' gettin' ya all worked up makes ya wanna get down n' dirty. An' I been takin' advantage o' that fo' a while nah.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler I-- What? ... You've been doing that on purpose, oh, of course you have.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Took ya that long ta figure out, huh? "Smartest guy in tha world"?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler You little-- Mmmmmh ahahahaaaaah...! You drive me crazy, you know that? Now turn the camera off, will you? We should continue this discussion in private.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow An' there's ya proof. 'Til next time then.

[riddle-me-fear]

[tw: mild violence mentioned, dirty jokes]

Edward Nygma | The Riddler I see. My condolences. Ah yes, the good old dip into Ra's'es jaccuzi. Does feel quite refreshing, doesn't it?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Mmh, but tha real question ta be asked 'ere: What kind o' madness-infused delusion did ya take outta there with ya?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Uuuh, yes, that would actually interest me as well. See, I gained an intelligence-boost to my already brilliant mind, quite literally rendering me super-intelligent - being so smart, it exceeds the boundaries of a human being. Oh, and Jonathan turned into an absolute megalomaniac with the sudden gust of strategic brilliance. I suppose for the both of us, it simply amplified what was already there.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Beyond rational reasonin'.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Oh, and the answer to your riddle is emotions or feelings. They can't be seen, but you can "feel" touched. They can feel tight in your chest, but can't be held. And they can come across as cold, even if coming from a warm place, as they are commonly associated with the heart. And no, it's not the heart itself, since that indeed can be seen and held when you cut somebody open. You know, I would appreaciate something more uhm creative. And that's targeted at anyone thinking of asking me a riddle. All those mind-, heart-, love-riddles-- Look, they're cute and all, some pretty classic, don't get me wrong. But I've been asked those a thousand times. Yes, yes, I know, it's quite difficult getting anywhere near my level, but you can at least try.

Jonathan Crane starts to chuckle in the background.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler What's so funny?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Hehehe- Hya- Ya wanna hear an alternative answer ta that? Heh it's- it's yer asshole. Ya can touch it, but naht see it yerself, can be tight, but naht be held, n' feel cold if ya blow on it, even if it's always warm inside-- Eeeehehehe!

Jonathan continues to chuckle, which evolves into laughter when he sees the look Edward gives him.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Can't keep your mind out of the gutter, can you?

Jonathan tries to catch his breath to answer, but breaks out into laughter again, dropping sideways onto the couch.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Well, until Jon returns to being responsive, riddle me this then: In what way did your mind shift, when you emerged from the Lazarus pit?

What is something that you have but you can't touch, you can change whenever you want and you use everyday but have never seen me. What am I?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler This is at the top of my inbox, but you know me - a compulsion is a compulsion. And this one's just too easy. It's the mind. You have it, can't touch it, you can change your mind at any point, hopefully use it every day, but can't see it, well, without superpowers you can't. You wanna know an alternative answer to this, Jon?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Hm? Ah, no, naht really--

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Your sleep schedule.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow My... Oh, haa-fuckin'-haa, Ed.

Edward grins and scrolls down to the next message.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler You know, technically, it could also be your pulse.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Ugh, please stop askin' him riddles. Ya don't know this, but off-camera, he'll keep comin' up with more answers to tha same question. All. Day. Loung.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Wait, hold on, your name is Jayne Todd? What, are you Jason's daughter? Did I miss something? No, impossible, perhaps an alternative universe version, we've got so many of those, as of late.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Right, because nuthin' can escape yer stalkin' hobby.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Well, of course it doesn't. How else am I supposed to keep myself occupied, these days? Jason is especially fun to spy on, not much going on in that thick head of his, and it shows, ahahaha!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow ... That wus sarcasm.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Oh, I know it was. I am simply choosing to ignore it.

Jonathan just grunts, taking a sip from his coffee.

[riddle-me-fear]

What is something that you have but you can't touch, you can change whenever you want and you use everyday but have never seen me. What am I?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler This is at the top of my inbox, but you know me - a compulsion is a compulsion. And this one's just too easy. It's the mind. You have it, can't touch it, you can change your mind at any point, hopefully use it every day, but can't see it, well, without superpowers you can't. You wanna know an alternative answer to this, Jon?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Hm? Ah, no, naht really--

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Your sleep schedule.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow My... Oh, haa-fuckin'-haa, Ed.

Edward grins and scrolls down to the next message.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler You know, technically, it could also be your pulse.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Ugh, please stop askin' him riddles. Ya don't know this, but off-camera, he'll keep comin' up with more answers to tha same question. All. Day. Loung.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Wait, hold on, your name is Jayne Todd? What, are you Jason's daughter? Did I miss something? No, impossible, perhaps an alternative universe version, we've got so many of those, as of late.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow Right, because nuthin' can escape yer stalkin' hobby.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Well, of course it doesn't. How else am I supposed to keep myself occupied, these days? Jason is especially fun to spy on, not much going on in that thick head of his, and it shows, ahahaha!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow ... That wus sarcasm.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler Oh, I know it was. I am simply choosing to ignore it.

Jonathan just grunts, taking a sip from his coffee.

[riddle-me-fear]

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Then I'll just have to kill the both of you.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ed, please--

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Apapapapap! You don't get a say in this, because not only did you attract my greatest rival in the game of being Batman's one and only arch nemesis, but you also happen to have a child that I didn't know of!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Well, ta be fair, I didn't know I had one either.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh wonderful, that makes this even worse!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Nah hold on jus' a minute there, how's tha Joker wantin' me ma fault?!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Well--! Hmm, I suppose you make a point there. But! The child IS your fault! And apparently you don't even know who you slept with to make it!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Oh for the love of-- Maybe they're adopted or- or- maybe they're self-proclaimed!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ahahahaha! Oh pleeeeaase, Jon, who'd actually want to have you as their father?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ahah-- I mean, last night y--

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

JonaTHAN! There's a child present! But more importantly-- JONATHAN, NOT IN FRONT OF THE JOKER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

i keep seeing scarecrow drawings on my feed

is this a sign that me and scarecrow are... meant to be?

[riddle-me-fear]

Are any of you ticklish?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Haaah, yes, fine, I'll answer this one truthfully. Unfortunately I am the ticklish one out of the two of us. Much to my disadvantage, I am ticklish all over the body, which Jon very much exploits, the fucker. But, ahah, it was quite the major issue for the both of us at the beginning of our relationship, since, whenever he tried to touch me, I'd flinch back, sometimes punch or kick him out of reflex. However, slowly, but surely, he figured out a way to give me a gentle caress without tickling me, or triggering a fight or flight response. Mmh, things like blowing softly against my skin, before nudging his face against my neck. Or, uhm, hovering his hand ever so slightly above wherever he wants to touch me, so that I'd feel its presence-- Or he'd confidently fully place his hand down - towards which I have a much less traumatic response - so that I can get used to it being there, before he moves it. He... heh... He puts way more effort into this relationship than Os or Selina ever could have. Which is ironic, given how little care he seems to have for people in general, and how much he enjoys the suffering of others. Not that it says much, since we got that in common. But I mean... Selina really tried, where Os would just give up and stomp away in frustration, but... Eventually it was even too tedious for her and... Oh, ahem, right, getting off-topic again. Uhm, Jon isn't ticklish at all, or at least he doesn't react to it. That's why, when he tickles me, I resort to violence instead. Simple as that. Ugh, unfortunately he likes that too, so I really can't ever win that fight. Luckily, I know of other ways to make him suffer, ahaha!

[riddle-me-fear]

Riddle me that..................... 😈

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ah! Oh, I see, you're quoting that movie, uhm... That one Batman movie, uh, Batman Forever, featuring Jim Carrey, who was portraying me. What did he say again? Ah yes, "Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big black bat?" Ahahaha! Aaah, truly a classic. Gotta say, though, a little bit over the top, that depiction of me. But that's just the true Jim Carrey fashion, and I enjoyed it nonetheless. But also... Ahah, it-- it still confuses me how close that Riddler and Two-Face were. Mild spoilers for those who haven't seen it, I suppose, and also, you should really go watch it, it's quite amusing, got quite the laugh out of me, that one. But yes, Harvey and I, in that movie? Veeery fruity. Also, Harv is MUCH more fun in it; if he was actually like that, we might get along much better. Oh, and can we talk about how much Jim Carrey's Riddler just purely and utterly swoons over Bruce? "Simps" for him, as the youth calls it? Truth be told, yes, I do, or did, flirt with our dear Brucey, quite a lot, actually. But more in a "kidnapping his girlfriend and having him solve my riddles to rescue her while I taunt and make fun of him"-kind of way. Not literally melting like butter in the sun right in front of him. Also, I just have to say it: The version of Bruce in that movie? Not that hot. As soon as he takes the mask off, you've lost me. But that's just personal preference, I suppose, since I like my Dark Knight much less - hmm, how should I say - charming. The Bruce in that movie just seemed too much of a nice guy, which, yes, I suppose holds true to his public image. But, I don't know, there was something about his facial features that put me off. Oh, but this is getting too long again, isn't it? I'd rather stop now before I critique this movie all night.

[riddle-me-fear]

riddle me this!!!!!!!!!!!!! ☝️😀

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Uhm? Are you trying to ridicule me?

[riddle-me-fear]

How old are you two?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Right, let's get through a couple short ones. Jon is out at the moment and I'm a bit bored. Also, the amount of unanswered messages in my inbox is utterly unacceptable, and honestly quite triggering. Oh, uhm, I do believe we already answered that one. Well, no matter, I am 37 years of age, and Jon is 49. Aaalrighty, onto the next one!

[riddle-me-fear]

*snaps my fingers and Ed is in a maid dress with cat ears and paw gloves >:3*

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ah-hmm-hmm, nice try, but that’s not going to happen.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Not gonna, cuz it already did.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

What? Oh no, don’t you dare—

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Too late.

You see this image pop up on your screen:

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Motherf— I‘M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

That’s ma cue!

You see Edward chase Jonathan around the room, relentlessly throwing any object in reach at him.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOUR EYES AND YOUR EYES ONLY, YOU PRICK!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Thought ya loved the attention!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

NOT THIS KIND OF ATTENTION, ASSHOLE! AND DEFINITELY NOT FOR FREE!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

That’s why I watermarked it!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

What?? That’s not— HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET UP THERE?! GET DOWN SO I CAN MURDER YOU!

You see Jonathan dangling his legs atop a high bookshelf, occasionally evading Edward‘s bad aim.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Alright folks, uhh thanks for the message an’ be sure ta tune in again next time when we answer sum questions for ya.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

THERE WON‘T BE A NEXT TIME, BECAUSE YOU‘LL BE D-E-A-D!

With each letter spelled, Ed hurls a book up at Jon.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ey, ya almost hit me with that one, ye‘r gettin‘ better there.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

DON‘T YOU TAUNT ME YOU—

A string of seemingly endless insults follows, as the camera you watch them through zooms out, moving backwards, through the window and up into the sky. And as you see their apartment and the streets of Gotham grow smaller and smaller, Edward‘s cursing and the occasional sound of breaking glass becomes quieter and quieter, until eventually, the screen fades to black.

[riddle-me-fear]

Jonathan don't listen to them your accent is great! I love it! DON'T CHANGE IT!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Eheheh, don' worry yerself there, ain't gonna happen. 'S real nice talkin' like I usually do.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

That is when you're not trying to drown the entirety of Gotham in fear. Come to think of it... Wait a minute...

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Hm?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ahahaha! Oh, I've just pieced it together!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

What?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

You take on a different persona with every Scarecrow costume you make. I'm correct, aren't I? You change your mannerisms, your voice, your movements. The only thing that remains consistent is your obsession with fear.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

I... Huh. Yeah, I s'ppose... S'ppose I do that.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Wait, that wasn't intentional?!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Naah, I guess 'just happens.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Hm. I mean, we've already established before that you seem like a completely different person when you put on a mask. Not in a Two-Face way, not really. It's still you, you just... choose to be different. Perhaps to separate yourself from the Scarecrow?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ey, I'm yer therapist, naht the other way 'round.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Hm? Oh, right, right. I've let my mind wander there.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

I noticed.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Right. Next question.

[riddle-me-fear]

Riddles, your underlings in Arkham City give you away pretty easily... How come so?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Because they're INCOMPETENT IDIOTS! Also, don't call me "Riddles".

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Uhm... Howdy y'all, sorry for bein' gone fo' a hot minute.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh don't apologize, they weren't complaining. And even if they were, they'll live. Although I can only imagine how absolutely miserable they must have been, unable to hear the heavenly sound of my voice for such a long time.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ahah, ya know I could go without sometime. Takin' a break from yer yappin' sounds like heaven ta me.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Are you implying you'd like the idea of breaking up with me? Because if so, I'll gladly--

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

--Cut ma balls off, I know, easy there tiger, nobody implyin' nuthin.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Then you should know just as well how much I HATE being interrupted!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ahahah, I know, I know, ya can punish me later.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh nonono, we're never going to get through these questions at this rate if I did that.

...

Don't you look at me like that.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

What? I'm jus' lookin, same way I always do.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

No, you're giving me that-- ...seductive look. Stop it.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

I'm literally lookin' normally, ye'r bein' delusional.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ahaha! Me! Delusional! Oh that's rich, coming from you.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Will you jus' answer the damn question?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

I did! What more do you want me to say?!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

I dunno, elaborate?!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ughh, fine! See, Arkham City was a whole disaster in itself, since SOMEBODY decided to get all of us into this situation. Don't want to call out any names here, but what's short in size, speaks in rhymes and has quite the Strange look in his eyes?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Hhh, Ed...

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

You know how this goes Jon, answer or I will.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Jervis Tetch.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Bingo! Come to think of it, I should call him Sell-out Snitch from now on. Anyway, absolutely everything was scarce. And, as misfortune would have it, I was a bit short on money back then, so I couldn't pay my goons that well. Not that I think it would have made a difference, someone need only whisper "Batman" in their presence and they'll run for the hills, or immediately give away my secret location. That's why I've been laying low as of late, not employing anyone, other than my two ever faithful girls.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ya sure that's the only reason ye'r "layin' low" right nah?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh, is my little crow complaining? Would you rather want to "lay low" tonight?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ohooh! What happened ta answerin' questions?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh that can wait, I suppose. One is enough for today, right? Now we can get back to... the usual.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

If ya ever call me out on ma coffee addiction again, I'mma remind ya of this.

[riddle-me-fear]

How did you get the fear gas into Arkham Scarecrow? And do you guys like tea? Or what about the Hatter? Do you like the Hatter?

[tw: mention of crime, murder, drugs, pedophilia]

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Eehh ya gotta be more specific there, friend. There wusn't just a single instance o' me sneakin' fear gas inta Arkham. Sometimes I even made it there maself, if given tha right chemicals. Or somethin' somewhat usable. I'll uuh... I'll give ya a run-down of tha most recent uhm... incident. That woulda been... Uuuuh...

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

That would have been at the old Arkham Asylum, when our good old friend the Joker - god rest his soul - took over the entire establishment, which eventually lead to its downfall, as well as his own, in time. Oh how dearly we miss him. The city has been so... calm and peaceful without him. No random explosions, no laughing gas stench in the air that makes everyone go mad, no stealing MY spotlight and pulling Batman's entire attention all towards him. It's almost as if everything is actually much better, now that he's gone. How strange.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Eheheheh, yeah, can't say I miss tha clown either. And now that's he's gone...

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

You and I are the biggest adversaries of the "bat gang" a-hm-hmm. They should have called themselves that, honestly, it has a much more memorable ring to it. GOD, it still bothers me, though that Bats went into retirement, RIGHT when he could have realized that I am his TRUE arch nemesis. Hahhh, I suppose one can't have everything in life, even if I, of all people, rightfully deserve it. Oh, but we're getting way off-topic here; you haven't answered the question yet, Jon.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Hmm? Oh uh, right. Yeah uhm, so old Arkham, how did I get the fear gas in there. Well I didn't, naht from tha outside, that is. See, I had uhm... I had this hideout below one of them elevators, like when ya crawl through tha vents, there was this little cave down there. An' I saw some very peculiar mushrooms growin' there, I never seen none like them befo'. Nah tha Asylum don't got no books on rare mushrooms, an' even though we did have a botanical expert right 'round da corner uhm... Yeah Pam woulda ripped my head off if I took one of 'em to her.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Wouldn't want you to get torn in half prematurely, would we?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ehehehh, oh Eddie... Morbid humor makes ya so much more...

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Stay ooon topic, pumpkin.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Right, uhm, so I found these mushrooms n' started experimentin', ya know, as ya do. Snuck 'em inta a random guy's food and uuh... He didn't die from it, but his stomach definitely didn't give him a good time. But what really caught ma attention is how he behaved after throwin' up. He was absolutely deliciously terrified.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

And the Scarecrow got his cute little pumpkin-pattern-panties wet.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Oh jesus chri-- Well, anyway, long story short, I made fear gas outta them mushrooms. Still don't know the kind o' species, an' Eddie don't know either. They uhm... If any of ya'll know their way 'round shrooms, they had like cone-shaped tops, think with a purple to dark grey-ish color with white spots on 'em. An' like on tha inside they had this pale blue bioluminescent glow. They definitely ain't edible and have hallucinogenic properties that cause extreme paranoia. I mean, perhaps there could be a way ta have a nice trip on 'em, but that wasn't particularly ma intention.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Now wouldn't it be hilarious if that was an extremely rare species that only grew in that cave, and you used them all to extinction for fear gas.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Eheh, oh don'tchu tell Pams, she'll definitely hunt ma ass down an' kill me fo' that one. Nah... Wasn't there anotha question?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Ughh, oh I so hoped you'd just forget about that. They were asking if we liked tea, and also if we li--

Edward made a gagging sound.

Sorry. If we liked Jervis.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ahahoh I see. Well, first of all, I'm mo' of a coffee guy, so. Black tea's fine, I suppose. Anythin' with caffeine.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Well I, for one, quite enjoy tea. Particularly green and white tea, but I like black, fruit and herbal types of tea as well. If I had to choose, I'd say jasmin or cherry blossom white tea is my favourite. Oh, but nothing beats a good Indian chai.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

So uuh... We movin' on ta Jervis?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Hhhhh oh must we? Well, you know my opinion on that imp, but I suppose they don't. Right, let's get to it then and just get it over with, shall we?

Number one: He's incredibly annoying and speaks in riddles which I, the fucking Riddler, cannot understand, because they are nonsensical and stupid, and I get compared to that intolerable bafoon too many times for my liking, and that infuriates me immensely.

Number two: He is a backstabbing pathetic coward, that WILL run away on the first chance he gets, ALWAYS leaving you in the dirt and WILL sell you out in hopes of getting away himself, if he helps the police, or Batman, or whoever else, which never fucking works, but that MORON just keeps on trying.

Number tree: He's a FUCKING PEDOPHILE! Sure, Jon and I have committed atrocious crimes, and perhaps targeted children every now and again, if it serves a purpose, or if they just happen to be there, if we target a crowd. Jervis' MAIN targets ARE children - young girls which he, in his deluded state, believes to be his Alice, whatever the fuck that's even supposed to mean. I don't even know what would happen if he did find his Alice. Because, to date, none of them turned out to be the real Alice, and he ends up murdering them, perhaps sexually assaulting them while he's at it - EUGH the mere thought makes me SICK. Now, I don't want to judge a Rogue for their gimmick, but he's just DISGUSTING! Wha-- And-- On top of that,

number four: This idiot is so fucking naïve, he always gets himself into situations where he's being used for his mind-controlling expertise - see the whole Arkham City project bullshit - over and over again, because somebody took his hat, or at the promise of getting to see Alice-- You know for a neuroscientist specializing in controlling the minds of others, he's laughably easy to manipulate; it's so utterly unbelievably PATHETIC. The only reason why I haven't killed him yet, is because I take great pleasure in seeing him fail because of his very own STUPIDITY!

So, in short, no, I can't say I am particularly fond of him. Not. One. Bit. Hhh, I need a breather, why don't you go on with your opinion on him, Jon.

Edward gets up from the couch and heads out to the balcony.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Yeh, uh, I dunno, I don't have a big opinion on him. I wouldn't say I like him, I don't like anybody, 's naht ma thing. 'Xcept Ed, I s'ppose. Don't give a damn 'bout what he does, Jervis, I mean, as long as he don't bother me none. We get along better than him an' Ed, I guess, but that's b'cuz I rarely listen to a word he says, it's all jus' white noise in tha background. I jus' grunt an' Jervis's fine with that fo' an answer.

I mean, Eddie's right, he is a fuckin' idiot, that's why I love ta mess with him. Funny 'nuff he seems ta like us both. When we be gettin' transported ta Arkham, he's always tha one ta greet us first, wants ta hang out n' shit. Used to, at least. Honestly, I jus' think he's lonely. Always excited ta talk to us. But uhm... Since Eddie an' I have grown pretty close, 'specially after Batman's retirement... I noticed he's become... resentful. He tries naht ta let it show, but I know he's incredibly envious of what Ed n' I have.

That one time, was some time after we escaped Arkham, I think, a couple months back. He uhm... Ya know, even when we're naht in tha Asylum, he's talkin' to me. Visitin' my hideout, leavin' letters. Yeah, he does that. I lettim, it's whatever. Never answered a single one; he'd just ask if I'd read the letter, I'd nod, shuts him up. But uhm... I noticed he didn't do that no mo'. Wasn't concerned at first, but then it kinda started buggin' me, I dunno. If he was plannin' on somethin', I kinda wanted ta know about it. Cuz that's our first instinct as Rogues, we don't worry 'bout each other's well-bein' first thing, we worry if we pissed somebody off an' now they plottin' their revenge. So I went over to his place, right. Was a mess as usual, ya can't really tell if he's goin' through somethin' based on his surroundings, it's just always chaos all around. We had a bit of a chat, he was very surprised by me checkin' up on him, doin' a little happy dance an' shit, typical Jervis. But then, when I asked why he's broken his behavioral pattern, he jus' said:

"You found your Alice."

Didn't elaborate when I asked, quickly changed tha conversation's topic, talked over me when I mentioned it again. That... that's jus' on ma mind sometimes. Don't give a damn about how he feels, but... I jus' hope he won't do somethin' he'll regret.

Jon's gaze wandered over to a set of large glass doors, one of them slightly ajar, allowing a cooling breeze to blow through the curtains. Past the doors, on the balcony, you could somewhat make out Edward's figure, leaning against the railing, looking out into the distance.

Somethin' that I don't even wanna think about... Is all.

--------

V's comments:

Did I spend several hours researching how Scarecrow actually made the fear gas in Arkham Asylum, and then continue to try and find the specific type of mushroom? Yyyyup. Did I find that specific mushroom? Nnnnnope. I found several that might fit that description, but either they were edible, or had no psychedelic effects, didn't glow in the dark, grew on the wrong continent, etc. My guess is that the devs just made a cool kinda spooky-looking mushroom with no particular reference and put that in the game.

I put way too much thought and research and energy into these posts, but my autistic brain just can't not do it. Eddie got his riddles, Jon got his fear, I got whatever you wanna call this xd

Anyway, if you wanna see what the shrooms look like, here's a screenshot:

[riddle-me-fear]

Ed and John should get their nails done together

Ed's are green and purple with little question marks

Jhons are black with little pumpkins

Jhon'll probably just let his chip off after a few days though tbh

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh absolutely we should, what a wonderful idea!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

We could get Harley on it, she loves doin' that shit.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Peeerfeeect. She needs to get out more anyway, it'll help with the grieving process. It's been, what, two years? And she still isn't over her "Puddin'".

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Yeah, well, she did love him a great deal. Even if he was abusive as fuck. Havin' her over ta paint our nails'll take her mind off it, I'm sure. Unless...

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

"Me n' my Puddin' used to paint each other's nails".

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Yeh, that. ... Well, whateva, I'll recondition her, if that'll be the case.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Therapeuting your therapist? I should think that would be illegal, if you two weren't stripped of both your licenses. And ignoring the fact that all of us are criminals.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Gotta repay her somehow.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Iiiif that's how you want to see it, sure. Right! I'll go give her a call then, see when she's free.

[riddle-me-fear]

STOP I READ HIS ACCENT IN FUCKING AUSTRALIAN FOR A SECOND

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Well Oi'll be, would ya look at that mate! They be sayin' ya sound proper aussie, goodness muy!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Oh jesus fuckin-- Don't ya EVER make that accent again, ya sound like fuckin' what's his face... Mister boomerang or somethin'.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Captain Boomerang, actually, otherwise known as George Harkness.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Whatever. Ya definitely spent too much time with da squad ta do his accent that well.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Hhh yes, quite unfortunate. Those are memories that will forever take up space on my mental hard drive. GOD that guy doesn't know when to shut up.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

An' that's big comin' from you.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh trust me, you'd take my extensive - may I say, actually quite informative and, in my opinion, very interesting - lectures over the garbage that comes out of his mouth any day. Being stuck in a cell right next to his? WORST time of my life. I'd have even preferred the fucking Joker at that point.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Oh I believe ya.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

And by the way, not that I really care, but this isn't meant to be offensive towards any Australians, EXCEPT Captain Boomerang. Eugh, dear lord, it even feels stupid to just say his name aloud. Honestly, who is an Australian and calls himself "Captain Boomerang"? It sounds even dumber than "The Batman". I bet he came up with that when he was 8 years old.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Well ya better hope Waller ain't sendin' her squad back yer way again.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh, I don't have to hope, I am certain she won't. Lest she has a death wish, because this time, it will be personal. I'll take her own damn operation apart if I have to.

[riddle-me-fear]

*Chucky smirks.*

Great, now if you don't want me randomly hurting one of you or messing up the missions one of you, preferably Scarecrow, has to say the sentence:

The chains that have kept you down, shall be broken to restore the crown. One master will rule you, the owned can choose who.

*Chucky looks slightly stressed now. His tone is urgent.*

I know this sounds stupid but it has to be. If you want me to explain more I can but not now.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

NNNNOPE. Absolutely not, I've had several experiences with "dark forces" and "cults" and "magic"-- Are you a talon? You better not be a fucking talon.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Yeaaah that ain't ma forté either. An' I'm really naht in tha mood ta get a curse bound ta me today.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Or worse, you could be one of the al Ghul assassins... Oh god, are you?? I didn't say anything! Fuck, I swear, I even denied it when it was publically revealed to the entire city!

[riddle-me-fear]

Hey edward! You remind me a lot of a siamese cat, did you know that? You talk and love the sound of your own voice (much like that of a siamese, who love notoriously chatting your ear off which is another trait you share), and you just have the general goofy "vibe" of one! It's kind of cute, actually!

oh also question for, Dr. Crane if he wants to answer; have you tried fear toxin laced sweets and getting someone to set them somewhere for people to just eat? I know i'm dumb enough to take a free candy and experience "the horrors"

[tw: drugs mentioned]

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh nonono, you did NOT just compare me to a cat! GOOFY VIBE?? WHAT???

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

They kinda right tho, ya do give off cat vibes.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

I DO NOT!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Why yer so mad about that? Cats're cute.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Not when they're trying to kill me!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Naw, c'mon, ya damn well know they ain't responsible for yer allergies. Or's this still about Selina?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Well, every cat I see does undeniably make me think of her, yes. Not fondly, mind you. Also, every single cat you come across Gotham could be one of her agents, just like every crow might be one of yours.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

How did ya survive bein' with her?

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

I did not. As you can clearly see.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Right, well, all that ain't got nuthin' ta do with ya behavin' like a cat. Ya even like bein' pet, 'specially by yer ears.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Could you NOT share my weaknesses with the entirety of the internet? Perhaps?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Naw c'mooon, it's hardly a secret at this point.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Nonono-- Don't--! Not now, not here. You stay away from my ears.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Eheheeeh, ya gettin' real sensitive to ma touch as of late. If I blow against yer ear, will ya get har--

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Shhhhut up and get on with the next question, will you?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Hn-hn-hnn. Aight uuh... Have I tried... Ahah ahahahaha! Eheh-- Ehh-- Eddie!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

What? What is it?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

They-- ahahaha! They's askin' if I-- if-- ahahahaaaah! I-- I can't, jus' read the question ahahaha!

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Jesus, now I haven't heard you laugh this much in a while, what could possibly... Ah. Ahah, oh I see, that-- ahaha! Ooooh that is pretty funny. Right, so Jonathan's busy laughing his ass off, so I'll just answer this question for him. Yes, he very much has done that before. In fact, he's the very reason why trick-or-treating was outlawed in Gotham. And after his little stunt on last year's Halloween, it's being debated whether the holiday should be made illegal entirely.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

PFFF HAHAHA! Oh they can suuuure trah! Fffuckin' dumbasses HAH! Oooh lord... Phew...

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

I think you laughing this much actually scares me more than you intentionally being scary.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Aaaw stahp it, ya gonna make me blush.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Pfff-- hahaha!

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Fo' real though, I do from time ta time spread sum special candy 'round. But I don't give 'em ta kids as much, unless they be pissin' me off. Scarin' kids is fun tha first couple o' times, but it ain't interestin' fo' long. Ya don't gain nuthin' from it, other than havin' a bit of a laugh. Cuz kids' fears're always tha same. Monster under ya bed, tha dark - an' above all - bein' abandoned by yer parents. Naht that that ever changes in adulthood, but ya get mo' creative with yer fears ova tha years. I also don't take pride in scarin' children, ain't no reason ta do that. Yet.

But uhm... candy don't fly so well with adults, unfortunately. That's why nowadays, I like lacin' other drugs with fear toxin an' bring that inta circulation. Fun part is, once they be tryin' ma stuff, they don't want the other shit no mo'. Even if I be locked up at Arkham again, I don't think tha GCPD's ever gonna get rid of Gotham's huge ass drug trafficking circles. 'S real interestin' what different substances combined with ma toxin do ta people. Real excitin' stuff, gets a bit tricky at times, tough. Ya can't jus', I dunno, throw uhm let's say coke 'n fear toxin in a pot, stir it up an' start sellin, that ain't how this shit works. So I'm still experimentin' 'round.

But there's lots a' shit on tha market by now. I - heh - I luv' tha slang they come up with, like uhm... Pumpkin spice. 'S fear toxin an' LSD, right. NITH or NITHS is pretty creative. No idea who came up with that one, but it stands fo' needle in the haystack. That's combined with heroin, as ya might've guessed. All very Scarecrow-inspired, right, love that. 'Course there's a couple that's already in use, like hay, straw 'n corn, all code fo' weed. Didn't get that one workin' yet. Like a pill or a shot's easy, but havin' something ya burn, boil or uhm... uuh like make an oil out of - that ain't so easy with somethin' that's naht s'pposed ta be in that state. Nuthin' I can't handle, though, I'll make it work.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

And if your distributers remain loyal, we'll have a constant and steady income, and then hopefully make enough money to bribe a couple doctors to give you a proper leg prosthetic and an eye implant which you can actually see with.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Oh, I'll make damn sure they be stayin' loyal. They don't wanna get on ma bad side.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Mmh, I think nobody does, dear.

--------

There is a cut, and you notice it must be some time after they had made the previous recording. The couch is empty, the sun's rays had wandered across the walls and the empty cups they had been drinking from were no longer on the coffee table. Then, suddenly, you see a shadow from the upper left corner of your view. It takes you a couple seconds to realize it's the lower half of Jon's face, which slightly moves into frame. You then hear him murmur.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

He-- He also purrs.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

JonathAAAAN!!

As Edward angrily yells this from another room, you hear Jon's hushed giggle, just before the recording ends.

[riddle-me-fear]

edward getting jealous and threatening to shiv a bitch is very on brand for him, huh! How many times has he stabbed somebody out of jealousy if he's stabbed somebody out of jealousy at ALL? Curious to know

[tw: acts of violence & sex mentioned]

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Oh, I beg your pardon; I'll have you know, I've NEVER stabbed someone out of jealousy!

Jonathan looks at Ed with the most judging disbelief he could possibly give.

What?? I haven't! I've made sure someone "accidentally" fell out the window of a 5-story building; I've set the voltage of one of the Arkham electric chairs - yes, those still exist and are used to this day, even if the entirety of the staff strictly denies it - too high and made someone meet their unfortunate demise; Iiiii've put poison in somebody's food, ahah, oooh it was so delightful to watch them choke on it. Mmmh I've caused an indirect explosion to someone's apartment while they were in it - oh, but I made sure to evacuate their pets beforehand, Jon and Selina would have annihilated me. I've made somebody have an accident that made them burn to death--

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Aight, Eddie, we get tha point.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Right, the point is, my acts of jealousy are usually indirect, but I'd usually make some kind of threat, in form of a riddle, of course, beforehand. Aaand make them solve an unsolvable puzzle that eventually leads them to their death. Revenge should be an act of passion, and I like to put my heart and soul into it. For one, it's ever SO satisfying when all the pieces fall into place EXACTLY like I want them to, AND looking back on it will always put a smile to my face. If I were to actually stab a bitch in an instant, they would have needed to really upset me. Kissing Jon out of the blue right in front of me, for example, you won't even SEE the shiv coming your way, because it will be STUCK in your EYE, after I've STABBED YOU TWENTY-SEVEN TIMES UNTIL YOUR FACE IS UTTERLY IRRECOGNIZABLE, you IMBECILE!! Which, to date, hasn't happened yet.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Ahaaah, but there wus one time when ya did directly harm somebody.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Did I? When was that?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

I dunno when, but ya remember when we visited tha aquarium? There wus this lady that kept tryin' ta make a move on me an' wouldn't leave me alone. And when it wus jus' tha three of us with no staff around, ya just pushed her inta one of tha tanks n' watched her drown.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Riiight! I remember! And when the staff fished her out, it was unfortunately too late for her. Oh that was fun, we should do it again sometime.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Hmm-hmm, we should. Ya know, I could'a dun somethin' about her maself, but I jus' find yer jellicides so damn sexy.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Pffff Jellicides! Ahahaha! Did you just come up with that on the spot?

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Sure did.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

You - haha - you're ridiculous. Mmh but as for the aquarium jellicide, it was still indirect, since it wasn't the push that killed her. Hhh but yes, I suppose it was more direct than the others.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Don't mean Ed'll off everybody, naht if there's an agreement.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Right, sometimes I'll allow Jon to sleep with others, mmmostly when I'm also included, to keep watch so that nothing happens that I don't approve of.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Oh haw generous of ya, while ye go 'n fuck whoever ya want without ma permission.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Wha-- You said you were fine with it! Does it bother you? Since when? For how long--

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Hehehe, oh I'm jus' messin' with ya baby, I don't give a shit.

Edward Nygma | The Riddler

Motherf-- I hate you much.

Jonathan Crane | The Scarecrow

Eeehehehehe!