rinwreck - Tumblr blog

[rinwreck]

How do I tell myself you are not my home?

How do I convince my mind to let go of you ?

How do I make myself realize the loss

When you're right here; yet your absence felt

When I see you everyday

But you are not the person I knew

You don't meet my eyes,

Perhaps to avoid the guilt of acknowledging how you left

So I let you live in your reality,

Whatever truth you've convinced yourself to

But I suppose I can't forget you

[rinwreck]

When we're face to face

And on equal grounds;

I hope you can find it in you

To forgive me for each time I only thought of myself

Each time my tunnel vision could only see for me.

I hope all the regret you have regarding me

Will be addressed so, ma,

I can fall to my knees and weep one last time

So I can ask for forgiveness sincerely.

[rinwreck]

I can't live with this body;

This body that does not know how to

Take your love,

To understand your intentions

Because someone else hurt it.

This body that can't differentiate

Between love and hurt.

You hold me with a gentleness

This skin has never learned,

Perhaps that's why it flinches.

You caress my wounds so warmly

They have only been provoked before,

Perhaps that's why you are so new to me.

Your love is too new to perfect

To be of comfort to this war torn body

[rinwreck]

It's been like this, always.

Me hurting you.

I wonder if I can ever grow out of my habits,

Or are they growing with me?

Maybe that's why I end up at the same place no matter how hard I run.

These habits grow like elongated shadows; always one step ahead of me.

So I repeat my history, repeat my mistake.

The person I hurt changes, not me.

Never me.

I wonder how long you can forgive me for;

Once you realize this is all I am.

A real massive mess who is always all over the place

And never knows how to pick the pieces up.

I wonder how long you can tolerate the sting of these pieces on your beautiful skin?

I know it hurts because these are my pieces, they are always on my skin.

Although not as beautiful or kind as yours.

You deserve to be free of it; not me not me never me.

[rinwreck]

Because god has always been kinder to those who do me wrong. They have always looked up to god more.

[rinwreck]

I know you had some expectations,

But I'm sorry I can't take care of myself ma.

I'm sorry I don't know how to treat this body better;

This body that you created.

Why is my mind of my own?

I wished I could only be the blood of you

But alas, the part of you I am;

I could not love it as much.

[rinwreck]

I wished you had stabbed me instead, that would've been less crueller to me.

[rinwreck]

Suppose I have it all;

Suppose I achieved all I wanted

And all I was expected of

But what of my inability to be happy?

What of this pacific pool of nothingness in me?

[rinwreck]

I am so devastatingly exhausted that I can't even bring myself to put in effort for the things I love. So I delude myself by saying, In another life I have it all In another life I have it all In another life I have it all.

Until I am brought back to the reality where I have nothing and this is how it will be.

I am the fool who takes the same path everyday in hopes that the next day I shall find it in a better state.

[rinwreck]

Are you in a different place now?

With someone else?

Perhaps happy?

But does your heart still shake,

and your breath shallows

when you hear his name?

Does your mind stop

and flood with thoughts in the middle of the night?

You can dislike him; despise him.

But you'll still find him in your heart.

[rinwreck]

At the end my grief is my own. The pain is all over my body and I need to get it out. It's like insects crawling under my skin and I need to claw it out.

[rinwreck]

Skin; where the wound is; is warm.

[rinwreck]

I am happy in your arms

but what is this impending feeling?

A tune stuck to my head

Whispering alongside your name

I can't point a finger on what it's saying

But I know it sings of heartbreak

[rinwreck]

We're dancing around the mouth of the pit,

Never directly addressing our feelings

But letting our echoes talk.

Perhaps that's why I can't read you

Perhaps that's why we misheard.

I wonder if I had said it to your face

Would it make a difference?

[rinwreck]

Like narcissus I find myself bent over the reflection in the clear rippling water; obsessively scrutinizing it, except I am not blinded by admiration.

I ask the person in the water, "why do you abandon me when I need you most?"

painting by J.W Waterhouse, 1903

[rinwreck]

But but but there is always a but.

I don't want to fall in love but you exist.

I don't want to anticipate the hurting

but I want a a taste of your loving.

I am blindly walking towards you

through the path you made me

and it has treated me warmly so far but,

who's to say you won't get tired of me?

I have loved but all I'm good at is losing it.

[rinwreck]

Nobody took my hands and soothed my scars; not even the person whose scars I caressed.