schizoem

[schizoem]

Confusion

I apologize in advance if this post seems very Scattered and ultimately unorganized. I reached out to my psychiatrist to set up a psych eval to see if they even do that. I do not know what's going on with me, and it's scary because I start going back to College in August, and I was planning to go into an inpatient hospitalization to get some one-on-one care.

I know that being "obsessed," which is not the right word at all, with labels is not very helpful, but for me, it gives me a name for what I'm experiencing. But it does feel helpful to research under that diagnostic label or whatever to find more personal experiences to see if I can relate to that. But I have no idea, and I am so lost, I don't know if I'm faking or there's something terribly going on, and sometimes I feel that whatever I'm going through has not been discovered yet, and that I'm going to be a first-world case that is extremely difficult to understand.

It's so hard to differentiate if it's psychosis or if it's an obsession from OCD, if it's some sort of splitting from fucking BPD or NPD or STPD and PPD. I don't know if I'm experiencing bipolar symptoms, I don't know if I am actually schizophrenic, or I'm just having a spiritual revelation, I don't know who I am, I don't know if this is OSDD or some sort of dissociative identity disorder.

I've had weird symptoms since I was a child. I've also questioned if I'm autistic, and I find that I have a higher likelihood of being autistic from school questionnaires and evaluations from professional counselors and such, but I don't have the diagnosis because some can't do a diagnosis, some can only do the questionnaires, etc. The resources are so vast but so complicated.

And it doesn't make it any better because there's comorbidity in diagnostic disorders And that can complicate figuring out what symptom is with what disorder or if it's a mix and unfortunately a lot of diagnoses it takes sometimes months to years to even find if there is a disorder and it doesn't help that I've been suffering for this long and we still don't know what's going on with me.

I could write forever about what I experience, and it still wouldn't be enough.

[schizoem]

As someone whose being questioning what I am experiencing in my mind. Whether it'd be Schizophrenia itself or on Schizospectrum such as STPD or SZPD.

But recently, noticing ton of OCD symptoms in my behavior and thought processes.

Also, maybe a mood disorder, possibly Bipolar 1 or 2.

Then, here comes personality disorders such as BPD, ASPD and NPD.

[schizoem]

schizophrenic horror fans are gods strongest soldiers

[schizoem]

I know it's popular belief that people with psychosis are scary but don't worry I know you're not

[schizoem]

Scary Hallucination

TW: Phobia of being watched

Last night, I was just chilling at my desk on my computer and suddenly I felt as if I was being watched. I unfortunately looked outside my window that's to the right of me, and In my backyard, I saw the Creature by a tree. He was just watching me and I suddenly froze, petrified to move.

Ended up being so terrified that I woke my boyfriend up from his slumber to close the window and curtain. I couldn't go back over to do it myself, in fear that He was still watching me.

After, I got into bed and I had to sleep with the light on, but now I felt as if He was now in the bedroom with me. It was a rough night, but my boyfriend assured me that the Creature was not there.

Psychosis is so fucking terrifying and I am so tired of people who fake and think it's some quirky thing to have.

[schizoem]

Ever since I got on Cymbalta, I've developed insomnia. Also, I've been getting really bad headaches and other symptoms. But the problem isn't going to sleep, but it's staying asleep. I wake up every hour, and I do not feel rested whatsoever. It's become so bad that I felt like I actually haven't slept in like a week.

[schizoem]

Anyone on the Schizospec or with psychosis in general, do energy drinks (or caffeine in general) affect you? If so, how so?

I personally feel more paranoid and split from reality more often while drinking energy drinks.

[schizoem]

My last psychiatric appointment with my current psychiatrist is on Monday, I am quite sad that she is moving to another company but I hope she finds peace.

I see my new psychiatrist in October, and I'm nervous, but hopefully, she and I will vibe well together.

[schizoem]

I’ve just ordered a copy that I should be receiving in the mail a book called “Psychosis, Trauma and Dissociation: Evolving Perspectives On Severe Psychopathology” which is a collection of papers done by psychologists that are experts in their respective fields that make the argument that schizophrenia (and schizo-spec disorders as a whole) is a dissociative disorder at it’s core.

While I’m supposed to be receiving the book Wednesday, I’m looking for access to it online because I’m Impatient™️ and also, I’d like for everyone to have access to the information. While looking, I came across PubMed article that discusses the book:

“The revised and updated second edition of Psychosis, trauma and dissociation: Evolving perspectives on severe psychopathology (Moskowitz, Dorahy, & Schäfer, 2019) is an ambitious book whose main goal is to provide an understanding of the links in clinical practice of three main concepts: trauma, dissociation and psychosis. The book is divided into three parts. The initial chapters review the historical background of dissociation, trauma, psychosis (schizophrenia) and other related concepts (e.g. hysteria). Throughout the initial chapters (Chapters 1 to 5), the authors argue for a return to historical definitions of dissociation and psychosis (e.g. Janet and Bleuler) and that psychosis (or at least some psychotic experiences; e.g. voice-hearing) is dissociative in nature. Here dissociation is not considered in its more common and broad contemporary meaning (i.e. ‘a lack of integration of psychological functions’, Chapter 1, p. 19). Instead, authors focus mostly on structural dissociation of the personality and its traumatic nature, again harking back to the concept’s historical roots (but see Lynn et al., 2014). The important role of adverse experiences in the development of dissociation, borderline personality disorder (Chapter 6) and psychosis is also highlighted. The latter, authors argue, should not be understood as ‘incomprehensible’ experiences (Chapter 1, p.10), but instead within the individual’s life context, particularly past traumatic/adverse experiences.

“Part two of the book explores a wide range of research perspectives on the relationship between trauma, dissociation, and psychotic phenomena including the prevalence of childhood trauma (Chapter 9) and dissociative phenomena (Chapter 11) in psychosis and the prevalence of psychotic symptoms in dissociative disorders. Indeed, childhood trauma is an important environmental risk factor for psychosis (e.g. Varese et al., 2012) and some preliminary data suggest that dissociation might be one of the psychological mechanisms mediating the association between trauma and psychosis (Williams, Bucci, Berry, & Varese, 2018). Recently, a scale was developed to specifically assess trauma in people with psychosis to better understand these overlaps (Carr, Hardy, & Fornells-Ambrojo, 2018). Chapter 10 describes specifically the structural brain changes following adversity compared to changes seen in psychotic and dissociative disorders. Together, these chapters highlight high prevalence rates, symptom and diagnostic overlaps, and overlaps in terms of changes in brain structures. It is suggested that dissociative disorders and psychosis occur on a continuum of responses to trauma. However, this is largely based on clinical anecdote and not yet backed up by research evidence. This idea is also explored in Chapter 13 by Longden et al., who introduce their theory of voice-hearing as dissociated self states and outline some evidence supporting this theory. The overlap between psychosis and PTSD is also explored in this section of the book, with a proposal of a psychotic PTSD subtype (Chapter 16). Another interesting overlap not covered in the book is the recent recognition that PTSD commonly occurs in response to psychosis and associated experiences (Fornells-Ambrojo, Gracie, Brewin, & Hardy, 2016). Finally, the subsequent chapters explore the role of memory and attention processes in schizophrenia and PTSD (Chapter 17) as well as dissociation and psychosis (Chapter 18). Together, they highlight that similar cognitive processes seem to be altered across these disorders.

“Part three mainly addresses the relation between dissociation and psychosis. The two first chapters (Chapters 19 and 20) argue in favour of new diagnostic categories: Dissociative Psychosis and Dissociation subtype of schizophrenia. Although authors provide relevant arguments favouring their proposition, further research is needed since evidence of these categories’ existence remains scarce. These are followed by two chapters on how clinical assessment allows for differential diagnosis of dissociative disorders and schizophrenia. Evidence points out that the Structured Clinical Interview for Dissociative Disorders, the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale and other personality tests with validity scales (e.g. MMPI-2) can clearly differentiate both samples. Some chapters are also dedicated to describing psychological approaches to understand and treat psychosis and related experiences including the Maastricht Approach (Chapter 24) to understand voice-hearing, the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to treat individuals with psychosis and PTSD (Chapter 25), and the psychodynamic approach (Chapter 26). The efficacy of the latter is yet to be backed by empirical evidence, but a recent systematic review has endorsed the safety and feasibility of EMDR for psychosis (Adams, Ohlsen, & Wood, 2020). Other trauma-focused treatments (e.g. Exposure therapy) are also alternatives to treat PTSD in psychosis (Sin & Spain, 2017), but are not explored in this book. The final chapter addresses how individuals give meaning to their voice-hearing and dissociative experiences (among others – out of the ordinary experiences) and how this takes places within a social and cultural context.

“In sum, the book provides a very detailed and comprehensive overview of the links and overlaps between the concepts of dissociation, trauma, and psychosis. The different chapters examine this topic from multiple perspectives and at several levels of understanding (historical, phenomenological, neurobiological, and clinical). Concepts which many clinicians and researchers may take for granted are dismantled and explored in-depth, meaning that readers are forced to question any preconceptions.

“The definition of the term dissociation is identified to be complex and contentious throughout the book. Indeed different chapters focus on different aspects of dissociation. It is notable that much of the empirical evidence regarding the prevalence and mediating role of dissociation in psychotic experiences uses a broad definition of dissociation (Pilton, Varese, Berry, & Bucci, 2015), rather than the more narrow version of structural dissociation that is the emphasis of much of the theoretical material introduced in the book. This highlights the need for more empirical evidence to examine theoretical models that see psychotic symptoms as dissociative in the more specific use of the term.

“This book will be of interest to researchers, clinicians, and people with lived experience wanting to explore the relationship between trauma, dissociation and psychosis in detail. It will be suited to people who are willing to dismantle preconceptions and embrace these concepts’ complexity.

“Overall, the book explores new ways to understand trauma, psychosis and dissociation and open further research areas, which can benefit clinicians and, in particular, people with lived experiences of voice-hearing, psychosis, dissociation and who have been impacted by traumatic events.”

I need to read this Right Now.

[schizoem]

https://www.tumblr.com/schizoem/761213636221042688/tw-reality-checking-scary-beliefs-i-fear-im

this also hits incredibly close to home, as someone who is schizophrenic. truth be told schizophrenia is hardly like what we're shown in movies and TV and generalized media, and i dont think its unlikely to say that these experiences are definitely be attributed to schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder, or a disorder with psychosis as a symptom. something very helpful that i did when it came to figuring out my psychosis was to make a timeline of when i experienced these, how long these episodes last for, distinct symptoms & experiences and also anything else significant going on at the time, especially intense mood related symptoms. traumatic events, high stress, and PTSD can also cause a psychotic episode, or things like mania seen in bipolar 1, and occasionally major depression with psychotic features. these usually dont last the full month minimum that is required for a schizophrenia diagnosis, but under the right circumstances its not uncommon for them to. even if they dont, they're still very important to track.

here's a couple resources that i have on hand that are incredibly helpful.

https://shitborderlinesdo.tumblr.com/post/114736826839/diagnostic-checklist-masterpost

https://hauntedselves.neocities.org/directory#6

Thank you so much for the resources & your personal response! I'm checking the resources now. I hope you are doing well.

[schizoem]

https://www.tumblr.com/schizoem/761565610356473856/questions-for-my-schizospec-peeps

1. yes, PPD is often premorbid to schizophrenia and you can be diagnosed with both if you show PPD symptoms before the onset of schizophrenia, or if your PPD symptoms persist when you're not actively in psychotic episodes. this one is tricky to pin down.

2. it is, it just often goes unmentioned.

3. not that i have.

4. it can definitely be, but its also just as common for it to remain as it is.

Thank you so much for the response! I will definitely look more into PPD being on the schizospec as well!

[schizoem]

Questions for my schizospec peeps!

Also, apologies If my tumblr keeps popping up, I'm just really curious and have a week until my next psych appt, and wanna get much info down to tell my psych about my symptoms.

can you be diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder if you have a schizospec disorder? Or is it because schizospec already has paranoia in the criteria?

also how come ppd isn't part of schizospec?

also, are there any discords for schizospec ppl?

also, is schizotypal usually precursor to other schizospec disorders?

[schizoem]

so incredibly frustrated that my psychiatrist that I've had for over two years is leaving the health center my insurance accepts...now I have a new psych, and I feel as if I have to start all over again... just like with the therapists I've had...

exhausted. she was my first ever psych, and I'm gonna miss her...

[schizoem]

TW: REALITY CHECKING, SCARY BELIEFS

I fear I'm faking being on the schizospec, although my psychiatrist thinks otherwise. I hope this isn't taken in the wrong way, but I don't seem schizophrenic.

As in, I've never been hospitalized for it, how do I know I'm having hallucinations, my delusions?

I feel as though I've been lied to. I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder... but I don't think I have those disorders... I feel that my anxiety and my depression are caused by psychosis.

I literally couldn't leave my house because If I did then the Earth would lose gravity and we would just fly up into the sky. Or other times I was too afraid to move because I knew I suddenly turned into a huge spider and If I moved and looked down, I would see my legs.

Since I was thirteen, I started thinking existential thoughts and had these beliefs, "I'm not real" "the world is not real", "what if I died or I'm in a coma?" (Sometimes I can hear the heartbeat monitor). I hear people say my name, and I ask those around me, and they tell me they didn't hear anything. I hear a voice that says, "HEY!" Really loud every now and then. I see bugs out of the corner of my eyes. I feel like I am not in my body but rather in my eyeballs and my brain is in my eyes.

I can't look around corners or outside my windows in fear that the alien creature is watching me. He is always there. He clicks his tongue, and I can HEAR IT! I hear constant ringing in my ears, my head. What if God decided he was done with the Earth and just poof! The existence ended. It's just abrupt.

I can't watch certain movies, videos, or content that talks about existential ideas. What if I'm dreaming all of this? Every morning, I pinch my skin to see if it hurts to know if I'm dreaming still or not. One time, I told my teacher to stop reading a book because I had woken up that day and I felt super off and not real.

The "panic attacks" I get, I become stiff and can't move at all, it feels like I'm slipping between dimensions and reality is shattering and I'm gonna find out that I'm really being controlled like a Sim. Someone is making me do these things. My family is not my family, I've been adopted even though there is proof that I belong to them. I don't know who I am, my name is not me, I am not me. I share bodies with someone else. I feel that I woke up at age 13 and I don't remember anything before then.

Anyone who is on the schizospec, is this familiar? Does what I experience seem to be the beginning phases of schizophrenia or other spectrum? I'm so paranoid about faking and thinking I'm just making it up, but I live daily, so paranoid of my brain and the thoughts I have. I'm not asking for a diagnosis, and I'll speak to my psychiatrist about this, but I feel safe asking the Schizospec community because you are the ones who live with the disorders.

Thank you if you respond. I sincerely appreciate it.

[schizoem]

I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY! I do hear voices, they are INTERNAL! Rarely external!!

First, wanna specify that I am not officially diagnosed with any Schizospec disorder...

But I do experience psychosis...would I still fit criteria for SchizoSpec disorders if I don't hear voices?

I mainly hear random noises, clicking, shuffling, etc. Rarely hear a voice, and if I do hear one, it's one word.. never sentences. Like calling my name for example.

Is it possibly to be on Schizospec, but never hear voices?

[schizoem]

First, wanna specify that I am not officially diagnosed with any Schizospec disorder...

But I do experience psychosis...would I still fit criteria for SchizoSpec disorders if I don't hear voices?

I mainly hear random noises, clicking, shuffling, etc. Rarely hear a voice, and if I do hear one, it's one word.. never sentences. Like calling my name for example.

Is it possibly to be on Schizospec, but never hear voices?

[schizoem]

another post from my other side blog.

everytime I try to make a post or write in general, I give up because I know I don’t make sense to others. And I can’t seem to get my thoughts down on paper and accurately articulate what I’m trying to convey.

It constantly feels like my brain is mushed, I need a hard reset, to just start over, I feel that my brain has been ambushed by all the years of living that it’s left crevices of dirt and build-up. So much pollution in my mind that it’s hard to see clearly.

My old therapist’s used to always say it was just anxiety, my panic disorder, but I’ve seen how others explain having the disorder and it doesn’t align with me. Sure I get panic attacks, but the thoughts I have, the beliefs… those don’t line up with just have Panic Disorder.

My brain feels overloaded, I can’t ever concentrate on one thing, my brain is always coming up with the weirdest shit that it starts to become nonsense to me. I feel endlessly trapped in my mind, that even after death, my mind will still have me alive with the never ending thoughts. It’s almost like a punishment for something I was never aware about.

A schizophrenic brain.