skyesodyssey

[skyesodyssey]

THE LAST STRETCH

The final moments have arrived. After months of all sorts of bureaucratic and legal nonsense my grandmother’s wish has finally come true: she is kept in a sedative state until her body gives way. The family has been watching over her while she is on her way to the other side, me included.

A lot of people will be put off with the way my family deals with death. I know a lot of people out there don’t want to be anywhere near someone that’s on their deathbed, but we approach this differently. My mother, my aunt and my great uncle have been taking care of my grandmother for the last few years as it became harder and harder for her to take care of herself. They helped her with eating, cleaning, washing, drinking and everything else that was needed. Without pause they have visited her in shifts a couple days a week to make it as comfortable for her as humanly possible. But as her body deteriorated and her Parkinson’s got worse she felt more and more trapped inside a body she couldn’t control.

Last Monday her disease reached it’s peak. She could hardly talk and couldn’t move and so one of the nurses rushed to the phone and ordered the doctor to come in immediately. This had gone far enough, no more pain and suffering. And so, since last Wednesday, her wish had finally come true. She’s being kept sedated until the end is here and we have been taking shifts to be with her until the end. Some people will find it morbid to be in the room with a dying person, but for us it’s the last and greatest honor there is. She has been taking care of us, now is the time to repay her for all the love and care we received. 

Just a little longer, we’re on the last stretch.

[skyesodyssey]

The tale of unread stories

What is up with me and books?! We have a odd relationship, those piles of bound paper and I. I love book stores, I genuinely do. The smell of books, being surrounded by all those stories and idea’s, the fact that someone spent hours upon hours writing and that it culminated in the gathering of printed pages that combine into a pretty cover clad pile of (recycled) pulp. And of course the squeeky floors that seems to be a staple and prerequisite for book stores. In my life I’ve spent quite a fine amount on books, but there is one problem. I hardly read them.

Every time I start reading a book I get the appeal. The way you can feel the texture of the pages, the sound they make while flipping to the next, the urge to finish a page to find out what happens on the next. I’d love to be able to enjoy it as much as anyone else, but my brain is just wired to enjoy other things. As soon as have to put a book away there is a 99,2% chance I will never open it again. It’s a shame, a damn shame..

At this point the books I have collected are gonna make a really fine addition to the other decorations I have at home. It's kind of nice to have some intellectual items next to my collection of figurines and other geeky stuff that litter my room. I guess they make sure my bookshelves are filled, and I might even end up finishing one one day. Who knows, maybe some of them won't stay unread.

[skyesodyssey]

How often would you guys talk? It seems really difficult with the different timezones.

Thanks for the question! 

With all the current technologies it is really easy to communicate and so we talked every day, mostly on Whatsapp, but from time to time we would Skype or Facetime. The time difference was the biggest issue, but once you know the exact difference it’s easy to work around.

[skyesodyssey]

Bye bye past, hello future.

In Greek Mythology, Atlas was a Titan condemned to hold up the sky for eternity. I felt pretty related to Atlas these last couple of months, even though I just had to carry around a load of stress. True, it’s totally not the same, but please indulge me for just a moment.

At the very moment I’m writing this piece I’m sitting at a table at work. Well, my current job to be exact, because as of yesterday I quit. Remember the so called “leap of faith” I talked about in the last post? I walked up to the edge and took it completely freestyle. No parachute or rescue squad waiting for me below, just me and the wind in my hair. So, what now you might ask? Well, I changed my current uncertain job for another, but this time I hold the reigns. This time I will be my own boss.

I’ve been toying with the thought of starting my own little business a couple of years ago, but as with a million other things I never had the balls to do it. I was always afraid of the paperwork, of having the sole responsibility and of failure. This time around the unknown strangely excites me. I have no idea what will happen or how it will go, but I find it more intriguing because of it. Finally I feel ready and for the first time in years I feel liberated and free.

[skyesodyssey]

A- FOR EFFORT

To hell with all this bulls%$#! I keep working my ass off, but for what? I’m broke as hell, I’m not doing what I like, I have no clue where I’m headed or when to take the so called “leap of faith”. Everyone has fancy things to say that are supposed to give you comfort and serve as a means of advice, as if a simple “I totally get what you are going through” is going to make all the problems go away. Have you ever been terrified by the unknown? That proverbial road ahead of you? I’ve reached an age and point in my life where I am totally petrified by it.

As soon as I was able to leave school and start working full time I jumped into it. School was never for me since due to circumstances in my life I always ended up in places that didn’t challenge me. I’ll spare you the boring details, but I just didn’t like it one bit. Now, 15 years later I am standing here with nothing to show for, all that hard work and dedication feels like wasted effort. Even now that is leaving it’s marks. This blog is one fine example, because I started it with the intention of writing a post every other day and already I’ve started slacking. As soon as something seems to end up going nowhere I’m the first in line to throw the towel in the ring.

Yet, here I am in a relationship with a girl I haven’t seen for 98% of our relationship and somehow I have had no problem keeping that up. I know for a fact people have been talking about it behind my back, saying that I must have lost my mind because it would never last. I never proved anyone I could make something last, so I can’t blame them for saying such things (especially when it’s about a girl thousands of miles away). I’ve always been a runner, not a fighter. The problem is that I have the tenacity and spirit of a fighter, I just lack the balls and backbone to be one. Yet, here I am, fighting and clawing my way through all the roadblocks that get put up in front of me. 

So, I have a dead end job, I have no money, I have way to many things I want to do but no patience and strive to keep them going, but I’m doing every damn thing I can to make her happy and to work on a future together, wherever that might be. That alone should give me a A- for effort.

[skyesodyssey]

End of the line

I had just made some coffee and sat across from her at the dinner table. She had been working on her homework all morning, so I had enjoyed a slow start of my day by sleeping in and watching some random gaming-related videos on Youtube. Totally absorbed by writing her first paper of the year she got distracted by movement outside, so she looked up and then looked at me. “It’s your mom” she said while she got a excited expression on her face. I stood up and opened the door and saw my mom standing outside. “Hello! How are you?” I asked and all of a sudden she started tearing up. “Grandma has asked the doctor about getting euthanasia...” my mom replied. 

My grandma has been sick for a long time, suffering from a pretty severe case of Parkinson’s. She has been in a wheelchair for almost equally as long and has been unable to do almost anything herself lately. Mentally she’s all there, but her body is simply giving up. Last Saturday I went to see her and even though I have peace with her decision it didn’t make it any easier to see her, especially since I remember her better days so vividly. When I left she told me to say hi to my girlfriend from her and that really struck a cord in me, because she never even met her, all she knows about her are from stories me and my mom told her. I walked out of the building, got on my scooter and began to drive home with her words echoing through my mind.

To this day I still have a internal struggle after what my grandma said. It might sound silly to someone on the outside, but hear me out because to me it is a difficult subject. I have really good memories to how my grandmother was before she got sick. She was a vibrant, strong and energetic woman who always put other people first. I loved spending nights there when I was little, watching Lucky Luke, playing with their Lego’s, eating freshly fried fish with my grandfather, playing in their backyard with my toy cars, etc. They where always such amazing people to be surrounded by. They always made me feel welcome and at home. I remember her in that way, even when I sit next to her and see her as she is now, because I don’t want to end up remembering her at her worst. Part of my inner struggle is that I really want my girlfriend to meet her, a woman integral to who I am as a person. The other part is that I don’t want her only memory of my grandmother to be how she is now: old, weak and unable to take care of herself. 

[skyesodyssey]

[skyesodyssey]

The stuff of nightmares

I’ve been talking with my friends about the normal things they and their partners do. They go to parties together, go out and buy new furniture or pick each other up at their parents’ place. It all sounds so normal, until you see it from the view of someone with a partner from abroad. Going to parties together after extensive periods of time of not being able to be together is godsend, even visiting my parents with her is such a special occasion. And so this weekend we had the ultimate relationship stress test: buying interior decorations together. In my opinion it’s one of the final steps in knowing if you and your partner are really compatible, because what if you don’t agree on anything?

All sorts of doom scenario’s where going through my mind. What if she likes those creepy porcelain clowns? It’s the stuff of nightmares, but the grandmothers that buy them in bulk never seem to see it as one of the possibilities of why their children / grand children never come visit anymore. I will run and hide if I see one, because those things terrify me. Or what if she likes that flashy, fluorescent color of yellow? You know, the one that burns into your retina when you look at it, the one that you have to watch at through sunglasses. No chance in hell that I can live with that in my house. And so we went shopping and I prepared for disaster.

Imagine my surprise when we came home with bags filled with stuff and we didn’t have any disagreements what so ever. It was about time though, because I’m the guy that doesn’t care if furniture matches or that has color patterns to follow and stick with. But here we are with color coördinated accessoires, comfy scented candles and a wall full of picture frames. What started as a way for me to give her a little bit of a home away from home ended up as a cozy place for us to relax and enjoy each others company in.

[skyesodyssey]

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away

It is well known to my friends and family that I am a big Star Wars fan. I have some figurines, all the movies, have a decently vast knowledge of all the lore and an official Movie Theatre poster of ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ that I framed and used to hang on my wall. It’s the sort of universe and storylines I can watch over and over without ever being bored. She knew my love for Harrison Ford’s character ‘Han Solo’, the smack-talking smuggler with the big heart. I even went so far to ask her to order me a figurine of him and Chewbacca on the American Amazon page since it was all sold out everywhere else. Just as well as she knew my love for the franchise I knew she’d never seen any of the movies. Until now.

A few weeks ago I read an article about a woman who’d never seen any of the movies and posted on twitter that she was going to watch all 7 of the currently released movies back to back in chronological order (E1, E2, E3, etc instead of the original order of E4, E5, E6, E1, etc.) and that she ended up having a huge part of the Star Wars fan community anwsering any of her questions and following her every post. It was fantastic to see a community I see myself being part of to come around and enjoy the experience with her and welcoming a new member with open arms. That’s why me and my girlfriend started watching the movies in the same order. Boy, it’s been a amazing ride so far.

I can still remember when I first saw ‘A New Hope’ on television. It has been released a few years earlier and I was around 5 years old at the time. I was completely mesmerized from the second it started. Never before had I been so invested in a movie and it’s characters. They would show Episode 5 and 6 the next two days and I just had to stay at home to see it all, to follow the characters I’d grow to love so much in their epic journey. Seeing her watch the movies for the first time reminds me of those times and I’m probably enjoying her reactions just as much as I enjoy the movies. She’s laughed, she’s been shocked and she even cried and we only saw the first three episodes (the worst ones according to fans and critics alike). Imagine my excitement of watching episode 4 through 6 since they are the most critically acclaimed movies of all and the ones I personally feel most drawn to.

Watching the movies this time around has been a totally new and refreshing experience from the countless other times I’ve seen them. Refreshing in the way that I find myself looking at her reaction in the corner of my eye every time I know a plot twist comes around or something exciting happens and seeing her react the way I wish everyone would. I’m loving the experience all over again, but I especially love sharing it with her. 

[skyesodyssey]

Welcome to the Jungle

I was dreaming about walking in a strange city filled with strange people. In one hand I had a cup of coffee and in the other a piece of paper, looking at all the strange people’s faces, but I couldn’t make out any features. I remember I felt happy and calm, true serenity and no worry on my mind. And then she stood up on the bed, started calling my name and I woke up. “Whaaaaaatttt?!” I moaned pissed. “Mosquito’s” she anwsered.

I live by the water, so every summer I turn into a book-wielding, groggy, half awake mosquito hunter. Using my phone as a flashlight I scour the bedroom looking for the perfect prey like an apex predator. In the corner of my eye I see something moving so I swing the book (a Kings of Leon autobiography if you must know) and try to swat it down mid-air. It saw me coming and re-adjusted it’s right wing, gracefully dodging the hard cover. It flew a lap around my head as if it was taunting me. “Ohhh, it’s on now” I roared. I watched it’s every move until it landed on the wall above my couch and with a loud battlecry I launched myself towards it. I raised the book as high as I could and slammed it down with great force and I saw it get hit as if it was in slow-motion. Tango down. As soon as I wanted to celebrate I heard the sound of another one on my right, but it didn’t know I was not alone. Without a sound my girlfriend crawled towards it, like a prowling tiger. We had it cornered. “NOW!” she screamed and with a fierce roar I threw the book at it. In my head I heard the KoL song ‘Charmer’ while I watched the book fly towards my prey. With a smack it landed right on target. Targets eliminated, Mission accomplished.

She fell into my arms, exhausted. I picked her up and carried her to the bed, laying her head down on the soft pillow. “I thought we wouldn’t make it” she said while tenderly touching my cheek. “You know I’d never leave you behind, no matter the cost” I softly said. She drew in closer and under my flickering light she kissed me. “You should rest” I told her while pulling the blanket over her. “My hero” she replied while slowly closing her eyes. I stepped in bed and got under the covers, resting my head on my pillow. I closed my eyes and started to fall asleep. I gave in to the serenity, but then I heard a noise. BZZZZZZZTTTTTT....

[skyesodyssey]

Rear view mirror

I’ve always been intrigued and obsessed with creating things, going back all the way from Lego’s at age 4 to teaching myself how to use Photoshop, Illustrator and Dreamweaver, looking through endless pages of HTML and CSS (web design mumbo-jumbo in case those terms didn’t ring a bell), making (original) music in multiple bands, writing poetry and lyrics, video-editing, playing Minecraft and so on. I was always all over the place creating everything I could with the tools at hand. But that drive disappeared roughly two years ago.  

After I had lost my job it was all about keeping my head above water and trying not to drown in the endless stream of bills and reminders that flooded my doormat every day. I felt completely worthless, not able to produce anything artistic and feeling completely devoid of both motivation and inspiration. Besides that I had this girl I was madly in love with living on the other side of the planet which I couldn’t physically go to for comfort. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to hug her during that period. She tried the best she could over Skype and in the countless messages we exchanged, but it’s never the same as sitting across from each other. It’s a heartbreaking feeling at times, but it’s the only and best thing you have so you learn to live with it. That doesn’t make it any less soul crushing though.

The last couple of weeks have been an eye-opening experience for me. Just her presence alone has gotten me way more inspiration and drive than I’ve had in years. I’m thinking about getting certificates and I (finally) really started focussing on writing, of which the first product is this very blog you are reading (and hopefully really like). Currently I’m in the planning stages of writing short stories that will hopefully be stepping stones to bigger stories. With baby steps I’m trying to get closer to the self confidence I used to have in all my artistic endeavors, and even though that might be a long ways away, I am really enjoying the journey there so far. It’s so liberating to finally feel in control again and to feel like you are really working to get somewhere, especially knowing that someone has your back unconditionally.

Yesterday while we where walking through Amsterdam she, out of the blue, asked me “So, are you happy I’m here?”.

Oh, you have no idea.

[skyesodyssey]

Californication

These last few days have been the laziest days since what feels like forever. We did absolutely nothing except for watching Netflix and stuffing our faces with snacks while snuggling up in a blanket. She had some pretty bad cases of being homesick, so we watched some Californication and played some GTA V to try and get the feeling to go away. 

We’ve been thinking about going to California next summer so she can meet up with friends and family and for me to finally visit what might possibly be my future home. I’m really thinking hard about if I could be able to move there, if I could leave behind all my friends and family, my favourite spots, my hometown and the million other things I will probably miss when I go there. I guess it’s really easy to picture yourself being in a strange place and being happy, but we all know that’s not a realistic point of view. It always ends up different than what you pictured it to be, for better or worse.

Sure, when I watch videos of cities like LA and San Diego I’d love to go there, but living there is a whole different story because:

What if I move there and we don’t work out?

What if I can’t find a job?

What if I move and it never ends up feeling like home?

What if something happens to my family / friends here?

Will I ever see anyone in the Netherlands again?

What if her family doesn’t like me?

It’s just some of the different questions floating trough my mind and I guess only time will tell. 

[skyesodyssey]

Birthday!

Sorry for the lack of posts yesterday, because yesterday was my 29th birthday (yep, almost at the big 3 and 0) and my girlfriend had a fun evening planned. It was our first time of celebrating my birthday together, so it was a big deal to me. I really looked forward to the day we could finally spend one together, because ever since we started dating we never had the chance to celebrate anything together.

She first took me and a friend of mine to a Greek restaurant where we had some lovely food. The other guests where probably pretty annoyed because we kept laughing and overall just having a lot of fun. After that we went to a bar that specializes in Belgium craft beers, one of my favourite places to go and get drinks. The owner has a astounding knowledge of the beers he serves, so we always let him surprise us and he always manages to serve the perfect things. A true lost art that you don’t see all to often.

The night ended with walking through the drive-thru of McDonalds for milkshakes and coffee. Yes, the craving for coffee was real... I probably don’t have to tell you that the hangover this morning was even more real, so that’s why today’s post might not be the most thrilling thing ever. Starting tomorrow we will get right back on track!

[skyesodyssey]

5 things: Culture Shock

Simple Definition of culture shock

: a feeling of confusion, doubt, or nervousness caused by being in a place (such as a foreign country) that is very different from what you are used to.

Yep, she’s only been here for less than 4 weeks and already there were multiple times where she looked me in the eyes, dropped her jaw and said “Really?!”. Living abroad can be a true eye-opener I guess. Today I thought it might be fun to talk about five of the things that we notice are really weird for an American girl living in the Netherlands

1. Portion sizes

This one seems really obvious, but it is a returning point of discussion. Europe portions are smaller, be it food-wise or coffee-wise. No mega large buckets of Coke or meals you could feed a decent sized village in Africa with, but smaller portions and tiny cups. Yes, life is hard if you are an American coffee addict in the Netherlands...

2. Language Barrier

My English is pretty good (if I might say so myself), but sooner or later you are going to hit the language barrier. Sometimes she says a word and I have no clue what she is talking about, the other times I know what I want to say, but I can’t think of the damn word that ties the whole sentence together. It happens to the best, but it can sure be frustrating.

3. Dutch food

This one is probably also a matter of taste, but I’m listing it anyway. Dutch food (according to her) is usually pretty bland. It seems that a lot of Dutchies are terrified of the salt and pepper shaker (her words, not mine!). Dutch food is a mix of all sorts of dishes from back in World War II, when there was not that much food to go around, so we use a lot of potatoes and bread. Sure, the last ten years or so we have been flooded with Turkish, Asian, Greek, Italian and French dishes and restaurants, so we’ve at least got that going for us, which is nice.

4. No Halloween

Number 4 might be the biggest complaint I get on a daily basis. My girlfriend LOVES Halloween with a passion, so when she learned that we don’t celebrate it, it was a mind blowing experience. The last few years more and more bars in Amsterdam have some sort of Halloween themed party, but no decorated houses, no trick or treating, no pumpkin carving and no costumes. Well, at least until this year, because she put me in charge of throwing the biggest Halloween party of the century. Wish me luck...

5. The metric system

I have never been so happy with having access to a phone with internet than I am with this point. I can’t even remember how many times I have looked up conversions between feet and centimeters or celsius and fahrenheit. Thank god for technology.

[skyesodyssey]

Hiding underwater

Sometimes just being with the right person makes a world of difference. A one in a million moment that just seems to be there, not because of questions asked but just because of a certain look in someone’s eyes or maybe because it was just one of those magical moments.

We were sitting outside a bar in Amsterdam on a smoldering hot day enjoying a cold beer. There wasn’t a lot to talk about, but we were getting pretty frustrated by the silence. "So what will you be able to do with your degree?” I asked her and within a second she had hellfire in her eyes. Oops... “What do you mean?! What have you done with your life?!” she replied. And that’s where I got thinking.

When I was in elementary school (the Dutch equivelant anyway) it wasn’t really about learning as much as possible. To me it always seemed that some teachers wanted to get done with the day as quickly as possible without too much hassle. When you were done with your work you could go and play computer games, draw, do whatever the hell you liked. Because of that my focus wasn’t on learning or challenging myself, but finishing as soon as possible and then go and trade Pokémon (on the Gameboy) with my friends. Sure, it was fun, but not challenging in the slightest.

Here I am, almost 20 years later and what have I actually done with my life? I worked my ass off, worked some more, went back to school, failed, went back to work, saved some money, got fired, been jobless for a year and a half, went from having money saved to being in debt and without any degree. Now I’ve finally found an amazing job after a long and depressing search and hitting rock bottom, but I didn’t have a clear idea of where I want to be. Even though she was thousands of miles away and unable to help, she always stuck by me. “What do you really, really like to do?” she asked while grabbing my hand and looking me deep in the eyes. It was the exact question my dumb brain needed.

Sometimes it’s not about the bigger picture or about the loads of advice people force upon you. Sometimes it’s as easy as a touch and a look into someones eyes. A real connection.

[skyesodyssey]

You call squash 'Pompoen'?! That's my new favorite word!

The girlfriend

[skyesodyssey]

Eat, sleep, be happy, be homesick, repeat

It’s been 3 weeks since she arrived in Amsterdam and up until this moment she has hardly been to her apartment. We spent every second we could together because for over 14 months the only way we could communicate was by texting, Facetime or Skype (gotta love technology though). We are trying to do as much fun stuff and spend as much time together before school will take up a lot of her schedule, but at least we are only a train ride apart now.

I’m so very proud of her for taking this huge step and just leave everything she had behind to work on her (and simultaneously our) future. Sure, she has it rough at times, getting homesick, we have a language barrier, cultural differences and maybe the most important thing to her: our Mexican food sucks. Sure, I did my best to make her Burrito’s, but she was kinda offended that I had no Jalapeño peppers (sorry, not super common in the Netherlands). She thinks the amounts of bread Dutch people eat are ridiculous, she couldn’t believe we hardly have any shops that are open 24 hours a day, but she’s super happy with the fact that we can shower as much and as long as we want (California has droughts, so there is a limit to the amount of showers you can take). 

These past few weeks weren’t just a big change for her though, it’s been hard on me too. I have finally passed a point in my life where I feel like really wanting to settle down and grow old with her. Because of the huge distance we had a lot of conversations that you normally wouldn’t have the first few years in a relationship, because what if one of us decides to move halfway across the world and you find out that you want kids and the other doesn’t? It might sound weird, but we talked about it all. I always told everyone I would never in a million years move out of my city. I was born and raised here, it’s been the place where everything in my life has happened, the good and the bad. The place where my friends are, the place where my parents live, close to my family. And here I am, for the first time in my life, open to the idea of moving someplace else, just for her. Would I be able to be happy in California?...