smarteryetstupider

[smarteryetstupider]

As I am in the process of healing myself, I get to realize more and more all the flaws and imperfections that are as important as my strengths and triumphs.

The road is long ahead, and I know that learning to accept myself while continuing to push the limits and grow will remain my life's work. It's difficult, and at times I cringe at how horrible I perceive myself to be. I feel the stubborn reluctance to change, and I often refuse to admit I am fallible. At the same time, I condemn myself for not knowing any better. I go into spirals of self-judgment that leave me feeling like I do not deserve to exist.

But then again, I am pretty sure this is not unique to me. Knowing myself will definitely involve harsh moral judgments, but this too is a lesson. Nobody else will ever get that intimate experience of knowing my mind as I do, so I need to learn to embrace myself every step of the way when I remember love over self-hate. Being oneself is hard, and growing into one's fullest potential is harder still. It's no easy feat getting out of one's own way.

So much still hurt my being, and I continue to have days and moments where pettiness override my thinking. I read as much as I can mostly to keep myself company, because loneliness is sometimes too much to bear. Thankfully, I find pockets of peace and even sublime self-love when I least expect it. Such moments are poignant, but I do try to notice them and be grateful. Tough lesson, too, that one. Being grateful when you have been living too long with a mind that's addicted to negativity and drama.

I think I just gotta learn to live with Life's general uncertainty and unpredictability. Cultivate a grateful heart and mind amidst both minor and major suffering. Accept the full range of my experiences and strive to live a full life. I feel like I am blabbering platitudes now but yes, these are things I truly aspire to do.

;

[smarteryetstupider]

Sculpture on the trunk of a dead tree | source                          

[smarteryetstupider]

I want a MAN. A man I could proudly, confidently, lovingly call MY MAN.

He doesn't need to arrive now, to come to my life at this point since I am not yet ready. I am in the midst of healing myself and transforming all the wounds I sustained from life so far. I need space and time and freedom to get to know myself deeply before I could share myself with somebody worthy.

Of course, I'd like to be worthy, too. That's why this time in my life is so important and sacred. There is so much going on with me, mostly internally. Sometimes I still go weak from overwhelm and succumb to persistent negative thoughts, not knowing any better. But, slowly yet increasingly, I am learning to respond differently. And that's the whole point.

I want my next relationship to, hopefully, be the last. Seriously. But I want it to LAST--until death, or beyond, even. I want it to finally be THE great love of my life. I want it to be the transformative, beautiful relationship I always longed for.

[smarteryetstupider]

“…the only way through pain, and I am thinking of mental anguish of which I have had rather too much this past year, is to go through it, to absorb, probe, understand exactly what it is and what it means. To close the door on pain is to miss the chance for growth, isn’t it? Nothing that happens to us, even the most terrible shock, is unusable…”

— May Sarton, The Journals of May Sarton: Volume One

[smarteryetstupider]

“I am tired of measure, control, doing the right thing. A part of me would like to tear something apart and howl like a wolf.”

— May Sarton, Recovering: A Journal

[smarteryetstupider]

I am here alone for the first time in weeks, to take up my “real” life again at last. That is what is strange--that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life unless there is time alone in which to explore and to discover what is happening or has happened. Without the interruptions, nourishing and maddening, this life would become arid. Yet I taste it fully only when I am alone here and “the house and I resume old conversations.”

May Sarton, JOURNAL OF A SOLITUDE, “September 15th”

[smarteryetstupider]

Where did I go wrong?

It hurts so much. I need a friend now. I want a very special friend who could hold my hand when I need to and who could criticize me when I need a counter-opinion. I want a devoted friend. Someone with the same stamina as I do and same fire and dedication to tending to our friendship.

Someone who will put in the effort. Who won't abandon me when he/she is in a romantic or sexual relationship. Someone who would protest and remind me when I am starting to neglect our friendship just because I am in a relationship. Someone who will listen to every shit I say, and someone whose endless shit I will listen to and laugh at. Someone to laugh with. Someone to cry with. Someone to philosophize with. Someone to psychoanalyze with. Someone to theorize crazy shit with. Someone to cook and eat with. Someone to go on hikes and swims and random travels with. Someone to hold hands with just because. Someone to meditate with. Someone to discuss books and films and music and art with. Someone to love and treasure until Life itself ceases.

I want that someone. I NEED that someone. Please, where will I find you?

[smarteryetstupider]

It is okay if you want attention, if you want to be held, if you want to be loved, if you want to be told that you look beautiful and that you matter, because you cannot tell it to yourself. Craving affection is absolutely okay. You do not have to go through life alone, my love. You are allowed to take up space and want someone by your side to support you and to simply be with you. It is only human to need another. All of these things are nothing to be ashamed of. (Just make sure that you do not depend your worth on the attention you receive!)

[smarteryetstupider]

💚💡 True Wild.. https://www.instagram.com/p/CA6yPgppstNEoeF4K_PGFcrLkUyoF5-bPxQge40/?igshid=1visre2ph0ni4

[smarteryetstupider]

What’s your favourite kind of tea? 🍃 I hope everyone is well amidst the chaos 🌈

[smarteryetstupider]

via weheartit

[smarteryetstupider]

i just want to press flowers in my journal full of spells & special memories while drinking my favorite herbal tea & running my fingers through his hair on a dark, rainy afternoon,,, is that too much to ask for !

[smarteryetstupider]

The medium the universe chose for my spiritual awakening. 💕

[smarteryetstupider]

Slowwwwww down. Then think. Deeply. No more spiraling out of control. Hopefully. 📖 Book: Stillness Is The Key by Ryan Holiday Drink: Sikwate Organic Dark Chocolate from Davao 💕 https://www.instagram.com/p/CAUuLvxpa8wnPzETCihoQMwsb7utGJExEthHSM0/?igshid=1qeywr3h1200i

[smarteryetstupider]

Sending good vibes is the modern lexicon for compassion meditation. Although anyone can do it, compassion meditation is a particularly advanced practice. If you don’t already have a simple daily meditation practice, it is easy to feel overwhelmed during compassion practice. For a compassion practice to be effective, it is best if it contains two qualities: staying and touching. First you consider the suffering of the subject in question. If you genuinely imagine the pain and discomfort they are feeling, two things will happen. You will feel uncomfortable and you will wish for both you and the subject to be free from the discomfort. This is where staying comes in. Don’t try to push the discomfort away; be willing to be there with them in that suffering. Then, making use of the fact that you aren’t literally experiencing the same suffering, use that privilege to send them feelings of gentle love, kind blessings, and the sincere wish for them to be free. That is the element of touching. So in compassion practice, you stay with the suffering and you lightly touch it as well. In the beginning we learn to do this for our loved ones. Then we learn to do it for people we have neutral feelings for, such as strangers. Lastly we learn how to do it for enemies. Simple daily meditation helps you to find the space for all of this without it feeing like too much. Like meditation and mindfulness, it is important to set aside specific time for practice and also to practice spontaneously in the moment.

[smarteryetstupider]

IT WILL

[smarteryetstupider]

ask me how the end of my semester is going