sodigjsrg

[sodigjsrg]

i come home, injured. long weekend. it's fine, i am capable, if in a bit of pain and a lot of inconvenience.

happy about the table, and the floor is less cluttered. the laundry is done, even put away, if incorrectly.

and yet.

the sink full of flies and dishes with the dishwasher full, the singular meal that i hate, sitting in the fridge with nothing else. nothing else.

i do think i ask too much.

you say "i always have to be on now--if im not, shit hits the fan"

i mutter "Now you know how I feel". The argument is that you never ask me to feel that way, therefore it is my choice to feel that way.

i don't have the mobility aid i needed. i asked you to do two things. zero were done. you never replied. what did you do?

it is nice to relax, but why is it always at my expense?

[sodigjsrg]

i know im straight passing and in a long term hetero relationship but i must say this

I DESERVE TO EAT PUSSY FOR PRIDE

[sodigjsrg]

hahahaha, you think you're better?

you think you can handle it? obviously not; you can't handle HEARING about it, apparently.

and i'm the miserable one? rich, considering you're the idiot trading meals for nail appointments. you are too close to the people you serve; you'll never get out of it. i'm busy achieving and succeeding.

stop giving me attitude like you know better; you don't know anything. at all. you have no life skills, no ability to make anything better for yourself, no security in your heart to create something lasting. stop acting like you're listening to anyone, whether it be me or your therapist. you're just continually fucking up--that's why you hang out with people younger than you: you're like 2 life stages behind where you should be.

"but life isn't a race!"--that's what they tell people who are losing. even your sister is ten steps ahead of you. sucks to be the family fuckup, huh.

[sodigjsrg]

buy a fucking car, you selfish, broke-ass prick

[sodigjsrg]

yet again an idiot, victim to my own ego.

you're only remembered by how you make others feel: you make others angry, you make them feel small.

you should go out to the ocean and wait to become your own whale fall.

[sodigjsrg]

the only thought i had during the pregnancy dream

with the blood and the rage and all

was

you ruined my body and my life, and you're not even cute.

[sodigjsrg]

i'm angry and disappointed and exhausted.

i go through these phases: start a fight. end a relationship.

why am i so angry, so afraid?

i take care of me.

[sodigjsrg]

done restraining myself.

done trying to please my MAGA-ass family. or even be cordial. i have never needed them.

the people who were single issue voters in post-WWI Germany are remembered as Nazis.

You want me dead, whether active or through ignorance. Eat shit.

[sodigjsrg]

Who keeps me safe?

I KEEP ME SAFE!!!!!

[sodigjsrg]

the sex. the sex is what you're worried about, what you're focused on. that's your biggest gripe, huh?

Must be nice.

The ideal scenario is that you see the therapist and realize you aren't happy here. Maybe you realize that me doing all the work to keep you going isn't really a sustainable move for either of us. I don't hope for improvement, honestly, all I can hope for is for you to wake up and walk away, so it isn't my fault.

[sodigjsrg]

"why did it take you so long?"

i was waiting for you.

you kept telling me you had it under control, a few more weeks, give it time, you just needed a little more time.

i knew it wasn't true, but what were my other options? i could really only either sit around and wait and live my own life, or actively ruin yours with my impatience. so the days stretched to weeks became months ran to years.

it's taken me so long to snap. look how much bullshit i can swallow, i know i'm spitting it back up at you right now but please have the decency to at least look a little impressed.

you say you're worried now; I've been worried for half a decade. i haven't told you because you can't fix it. let's see what miracles the goddamn therapist can weave.

[sodigjsrg]

i literally offered to help. i can get you there, i can even get you to someone who can help you discover where "there" is--either let me help you or get your ass in gear.

[sodigjsrg]

imagine running yourself ragged for a dream you no longer want; prioritizing "the grind" over everything: your family, your aspirations, your health.

couldn't be me #suckaaaaa

[sodigjsrg]

glad you haven't had to face one of your deepest insecurities in real time, over and over again, but please for the love of Christ stop making fun of me when I do.

[sodigjsrg]

i like gender because it's intimate. it's personal. get a little gay, get a little flexible with me. a warm wet mouth is a warm wet mouth, after all--boy or girl. give it to me

give me your body, let me make you feel good. fuck.

[sodigjsrg]

we talked about it. i told her "the only reason i would have a baby is because people would love me more if i did. and that's not good enough".

she paused, and said,

"you're right, they would. that's incredibly sad."

[sodigjsrg]

let people choose their place in your life.

i'm so glad i left. I'm so glad I left. I'm so glad I left. I'm so glad I left.