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[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

O. Leary

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

I will move on from you. I will continue to grow without you blocking my path. Without you crushing me with every step.

You may have my heart in your hands, slowly crushing it with every move you make. I will leave you behind. I want to make you jealous and upset but you will forget me. Why should i stay and demand better of my self just to please you when you should be dreaming of making me hapoy.

You just see me as a girl you can use. A girl who has no true meaning. I have let you convince me that i am no better than the one in your shadow. Why should i be on my hands and knees crawling to you when you wont even walk my way. Why do i keep convincing myself you will change and never change myself. Why do i beg for you to drool for me. Why do I convince myself that you are all that i can have for now. Why do I expect everything less for me.

I should demand the world and have you moan and gasp and breathe my name whenever i walk past. I should demand that you ask for me to stay, for me to talk to you, for me to respond. I should not feel this empty pain because you do not want to fill me the want and desire i am. You seem to expect me to wilt and die and shrivel because you are my sun. But no more will i hide in my heart and mind. i will pull the tides and for the waves, rip apart the sky for myself.

I will moan and scream my own name. I will create a path of desire in my wake. You will soon be thinking of me in the future, of why did you ever let me go, f the time that I realized that you are destroying me and that you should have treated me like the one who has cried your name in love every night. You will be the one who will wilt and shrivel since i am finally turning my back on you.

4.30.18

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

I wonder if i am

beautiful enough for you

or if i am beautiful at all

i change what i am wearing

five times before i see you

wondering which pair of jeans will make

my body more tempting to undress

tell me

is there anything i can do

to make you think

her

she is so striking

she makes my body forget it has knees

write it in a letter and adress it

to all the insecure parts of me

your voice alone drives me to tears

yours telling me i am beautiful

yours telling me i am enough

Rupi Kaur

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

Prom night

Being alone with your friends is worse than being alone at home

There is always someone to look at

There is always someone talking to someone

There is always someone with someone

But when youre alone in a group

You are more than just alone

You are forgetten

You are left

You are just there

Floating inbetween conversation

Standing in the back of their minds but never fully upfront

And then the songs come on

Am i supposed to dance with myself

Just sway to the beat while you are in each others arm

You say it will be fine but i am realistic

I will be more than just alone

I will be empty

And embarrassed

And scared

That no one wants me

No one will hold me

I will just sit at a table smiling like its fine because you say it is

I will see someone with someone and know that i dont have that

I should just stay home

At this point

Id rather be alone by myself than in a group

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

In the moment

Now in a another car a different guy a stronger love

The one who’s supposed to be there forever

The one who gave me life

Drinks because he is miserable

Drinks because he is sad

Drinks because why not

Surely there is nothing to keep him a float

Nothing to make him appreciate life

Nothing to make him stop

He changes

In a day

A week

A month

But he always goes back to it

But theres nothing to make him a father anymore

His girls are big now theyll be fine

Ones in her sophomore year

The other in her senior

Nothing big thats happening

No big deal

Its nothing when hes driving us home and almost hits another car

Its nothing that he cant stand straight without holding onto something

Its nothing thats his missing the lives of his daughtera

No its fine because he’s miserable

He sad

Hes hurt

No its fine that im in the passenger seat crying silently wondering where did I go wrong

Why isnt his daughters enough to keep him sane and ok

He’s miserable

its fine that i cry to sleep when he comes home because if he keeps going like this he might be drunk on the night of prom

Of my graduation

Or even worse he wont be there for my daddy daughter dance

He practically isnt here now it wont be much different

Im just his big girl sitting with my sunglasses on because he doesnt want us to cry because we cant be weak

Its not like my mothers dead and that im not hurting too

That i have no one left

To love

To hug

To depend on

He drinks because he’s miserable and im his big girl

4.28.18

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

After reading

I have read

So many things

All making me feel different things

Here i am wanting to cry because what she speaks is true

Yet i still

Want

Trust

Believe

In you

She is right when she says that you are the salt when i want sugar

I think of you instantly

Yet i think of myself sitting in your car waiting for you to take me with open arms

To be used by you

Wanting to be touched and loved and needed by you

I am still writing about you

I thought i got over you

Oh how im wrong

I only write in times of excessive feelings

And here i am sitting in my bed thinking about how i need to let you go but i

Am making excuses for myself

Even though i know it is wrong

I imagine sitting in your car under the moonlight

Looking at you with eyes of love

Hunger

Purity

And need and want and all the things combined

I sit there wrapped in my arms protecting all thats left of me

Because you just want to take it

But i sit there holding what i can of myself

And try to touch you in a way that shows my love for you

In a gentle breeze just like the wind

Just like the hug of darkness around us

But i sit here realizing it will never be romantic

We are under a light of a street lamp

I am scared

I feel weak and disgusted

I still want you

After i read

After i know the truths and lies

All that i believe

I will want you for a while

because i sit here waiting for you to tell me i look pretty

But you saw me

You didnt even tell me i was hot

I am used to that word slapping me from your mouth

I am nothing to you

But even after i read

I will still sit in your car dreaming of a romantic situation for us

When in reality

There is nothing left of me i havent given you to abuse

4.28.18

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

i didn’t give up on you because i thought you were worth holding onto.

more guts more glory, the higher the risk the higher the reward, right?

but no one told me how hard holding on is, when the other person doesn’t care if you let go.

it takes all of you, mentally and physically.

i was always tired from staying up all night thinking about you, overanalyzing our entire relationship, picking my brain trying to pin point exactly where and when i fucked up.

i was always hurting watching you look for other girls while i knew none of them met your standards the way i tried so desperately to.

the worst part of it is when i started to become the entertainment for your boredom.

you’d play with me like an old toy, soon realizing why you put it down so long ago in the first place.

you wore me out and tore me apart piece by piece, just to put me back down again,

as if i was untouched.

v.m

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

legit me rn

am i foolish for still wanting you, still waiting for you,

when it strips me down like cheap bar soap on dry skin.

when every time you find a new toy to play with i have to pretend like it doesn’t feel like stepping on broken glass when you fawn over her.

when my best friend of five years has to pry my ears open to tell me the truth, the truth i always conveniently hide from,

you don’t love me.

you’re foolish, foolish for still not realizing that i am so impatient;

you’re the only thing i’ve ever really waited for.

v.m

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

All I ever tried to be

was someone you could fall in love with.

v.m

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More than that

I am more than just a stupid girl

I have done and thought of so much, I will rule my life one of these days.

No one else will be able to stop me

other than your lips saying all you want

is me

in a way

that I don't want you

I want more for me

but for right now

I will be your stupid little girl

letting myself get hurt knowingly

Just what can I do

I don't want to lose what we have

We will last till the end of this year

It sucks to know the truth

like I said

I am more than a stupid little girl

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

Like, just how do I explain myself

After how long we finally kissed. Now my heart is in this frenzy because I've wanted this to happen since sophomore year. Here I am in all my senior year sitting in your car talking to you how you want friends with benefits.  You feel my heart stop when you said that.  I have been here for 4 years and you just don't want me like I want you.  Then you said fuck it and kissed me.  I bet you could hear my heart break because that was all I needed.  The confirmation that I will be nothing more than the girl you see on Thursday that you want to screw.  I keep thinking about it and my heart just does not feel ok.  I told you how I could never do friends with benefits.  That I would get to attached to who ever I was with, and here you are in all your glory sitting in the drivers side looking so good and just ignoring my feelings and my heart.  The kiss was good but it was clear what you wanted.  The feeling of your lips itching to open so you can shove you lips into me.  Like what the fucckkk dude. Do you not care? Well I mean it clear that we will never be more that your thirsty Thursday. Nothing more than the girl you can put your hands on. 

Just because I wanted you for so long does not mean I'm going to be easy.

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

I am tired of being nothing.  I want to be something to someone. I want to light up their days, for them to need me.  I want to matter, more than just a friend.  It's all I'm looked at. just plain ole me

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

More than a Thursday

3.1.18

I want to be more, I want to be more than a singular night.  I want to be a weekend, a few days, maybe even a week.  But no.  I'm just your Thursday.  I want you to hold me everyday, talk to me, focus on me.  Yet I'm in your arms every Thursday and every Thursday you have someone else on your mind.

Why?

I've been here for four years, why not me? Why someone else.  We always end up together every Thursday even if you have someone.  You grab my hand, you hold my thigh you hold me longer than normal.  Why just every Thursday.  Let me be more. 

I feel this jealousy on your Mondays, your Fridays, your other days.  Some other girl for more than a day except Thursday.  I'm the only constant with you. So Ill wait till next Thursday, just like always. 

I will never be more.

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

I feel pressured with you and them telling me that I should give you a shot.  I want to like you but so far I don't.  I don't want to sit next to you alone, I don't want to look you in the eyes, I don't want you to like me.  I feel shallow about it sometimes.  I worry that I don't like you because you're not attractive, hopefully that's not the truth.  I hope that its my own self getting in the way of me trying to think of us.  She tells me that she thinks its just like her relationship.  How we bicker and fight and talk.  But I feel awkward with you.  I feel uncomfortable.  I don't want to be pushed to him, I don't want to you to look at me and say go towards him.  I don't want to do anything with him.  I just to figure it out myself, not be told to do this or that. 

 I'm scared in general of any relationship.  I don't want to fall for someone and leave.  The pain of losing more is a common feeling and I am moving on from this sad life.  I will be more and will not let anything hold me down.

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

Dying roses

In her mind there are roses

hundreds of them

Shinning and glittering in the light. Reds, pinks, whites.  Afar they are beautiful in the whole group.  When one is picked out among hundreds it is still beautiful.  Yes you can see lines, torn parts, lined petals.  It is all still gorgeous. You can see where the color fades.  Where this deep wine red goes into a faded rust.  Where the vines that help keep it alive show in such a thin layer,  Each petal gently folding down itself.  Some how it graceful.  Just bending ever so slightly, bending more and more every day. Soon these petals fall off.  Floating down stream, sliding in the tucks of wind and air.  Defying thoughts of ugly death.  A puddle of broken petals all crumpled in form a sea of red.  Even though this once gorgeous flower is gone. 

In her mind there are roses

but all of them dripping of blood

[sundays-at-dawn-blog]

Feelings create a knot in my throat.  I tingle when you touch me, I just love the fact that someone can be interested in me.  I want someone to always touch, hold, love me.  It's all connected.  You touching my legs sends this feeling into my bones.  Then it goes to my head, and thoughts race.  I want more in both ways.  Physical and emotional.  Next thing you know its in my head every little move you make.  It travels around.  Benign at first then a fire inside me.

Its all connected and I love it. 

 1.8.18