#& then bc I found her on fb the other day after remembering

[ringneckedpheasant]

being subjected to the agonies rn

[luckyqueenreign]

It seems like the Grace defenders are out on Reddit today and I’d like to hear your opinion . . .

Ok, first of all I DON’T hate Grace, but I do think the criticism of her delusional thinking is 100% justified. Like, if you ask MC about your man and then just ?? refuse to acknowledge the truth, girl that’s on you! Your willful ignorance is not MC or Ozzy’s fault!

My other huge problem is that people are complaining about Ozzy being shady because he’s ‘lying’ to Grace . . . But he’s not? It’s not like she’s asked him, ‘hey are you devoted to me?’ And he was like ‘of course babe, there’s only you!’ It’s more like he keeps trying to avoid saying ANYTHING about how he feels about her to AVOID lying. And we can find out that he hasn’t done bits or anything with her because he’s torn! He could easily be getting some with Grace while eyeing MC in the morning, which would absolutely be skeezy!

In conclusion, yes Ozzy is a bit of a pussy at this point, but it’s driving me nuts seeing people call him a liar, or worse than Noah because that just ain’t the motherfucking case 🙄 (and I’d rather be pining after a pussy like Ozzy than a liar like fucking finn)

Hiii nonny 💖

So with Grace I actually loved her from the beginning. She was so sweet to MC and gave off big bestie vibes. Supportive and pulling her for chats and defending her when Ivy was constantly jumping down our throats. It actually made me feel so bad about having to steal Ozzy from her eventually lol. But I think the thing here is just terrible writing. On day 2 she already had doubts about Ozzy, that he wasn’t totally into her when she had a chat with the girls. Then when MC had the chance to tell her Ozzy was into us she laughed it off and AGAIN in a now THIRD chat she still isn’t willing to accept it and wants to fight for her man. Frankly I get it bc I feel like if she likes him too she shouldn’t give up that easily.. so I’m actually glad she’s still in the ring. Side note: I do think the other big issue here with Grace is the fact that 6 seasons later, fb still has found a way to villainize the WOC. I need someone at fb to reflect on their choices and maybe take a critical race theory class or at least a gender, race and class studies class.

Back to Ozzy….It’s what day 5/6 atp? We haven’t even been in the villa for a week yet and people are demanding Ozzy propose marriage. We already know Ozzy isn’t the type to run into a relationship and he takes things slow. He was paired off with Grace in the first episode and bc of this he feels like he needs to give them a shot, especially because they got on so well from the start. (Remember when mc was looking around the villa at the couples talking day 1 - Ozzy and Grace seemed to be the most relaxed and most comfortable) but here’s the main thing you already touched on, as soon as Ozzy started having more chats with MC and realized that there might be something there he cooled things off with Grace and wasn’t doing bits with her. He’s not “lying” to Grace or to MC he’s conflicted about his feelings and is taking a pause to reflect on them and make a decision. If you tried to kiss him on the terrace he allows it for a millisecond and stops it saying it’s not fair to Grace and that he wants to be respectful. They’re making Ozzy out to be some sleazy guy when he’s literally far from it.

[c4ndyf4gg0t]

I've been struggling for a long time. It's too late to help me, for me to get the mental health help I need. I've needed it for years but I've waited too long, I'm out of time. I grew up kinda similar to Leelah Alcorn, with conservative homophobic parents while being a gay kid, eventually trans. I knew since I was 4 that I was meant to be a boy, I just didn't know exact words for it. (I got in trouble once for telling friends at preschool to stand up and pee, like boys do)

Ten years later I realized there was a word for it, that I was trans. Ever since I was 8, I knew I liked girls. I had a crush by the time I was 10 on one of my best friends. I had made her a bracelet with word charms, together the charms said "I love you, Shine". Her name was Cheyenne, but "Shine" was my nickname for her, as I grew up in Tennessee and ended up with a southern accent. I left the bracelet on the desk she was next to and walked out of the classroom, just to find out some bullies had found it and wouldn't let it go, since the girl had stopped being my friend before that and I wanted to at least let her know I had feelings for her. That was my first time being rejected.

A couple years later in 7th grade at age 12, I came out to a group of friends I had. The majority were fine with me being gay but a few of them hated me for it, and ultimately the friendships ended that year.

When my mom found the notebook where the friends and I wrote notes to each other and I had come out, she came into my room and yelled at me that "it's not Eve and Eve, it's Adam and Eve". So I learned never to come out to her, to stay closeted.

A year later I started Xtian private school and never actually had friends bc they were the popular girls or the homophobic ones.

The next year I got kicked out of school my freshman year for posting on facebook that I was bisexual. All the other kids could post pictures on fb in short shorts or comment on each other's posts and call each other gay, with no consequences.

But the second someone actually turned out to not be straight, suddenly they're not allowed to go to the school anymore.

The principal called me to the office and asked me if I knew why I was in there. I said no. He told me someone who was facebook friends with me, their parent had gotten onto their account and had seen that I wasn't straight, and made it a point to call him late the night before school to tell him.

I was accused of lying bc I didn't know the password to my facebook since my mom had changed it without telling me. The person whose laptop I used, his wife ended up being my English / homeroom teacher my senior year, so I was always suspicious of if she knew what happened when I was 14.

I was told to write a letter to the principal, the school, and the pastor to apologize for "ruining their reputation". I actually ended up just bullshitting the apology letter, writing it without meaning a word, although by that point I didn't care anymore.

I went back the next school day, a Monday, and gave the letter to the principal. He read it, and suspended me until later. I don't remember how many days.

I was suspended the rest of the year. People from the church somehow spread it around that I was kicked out of school for being bisexual, and the ones with kids acted as if I had AIDS and had forbidden their kids from talking to me.

My parents told me they and I had to meet with the church's assistant pastor after that night's service.

We met with him and he accused me of having sex with men and women (grown adults) as a child, and told me I was going to hell, an abomination against God.

My parents rarely let me get online so I didn't have much contact with anyone outside of my immediate family. My stepdad would stand behind me while I was online, reading anything and everything I was looking at, including when I first got onto Tumblr, when I tried looking up trans people bc I knew I was trans. He told my mom I was looking up "nasty" things.

Eventually being homeschooled, I realized I was transgender and went by Toni and then Shawn. I wasn't sure how I chose the name but it seemed to fit me.

The next year I went back to school and met 2 people who were my best friends only bc I would've had no one. They were homophobic and transphobic. Even mocked Day of Silence after I explained it to them.

There was a guy 2 years older than me who turned out to be gay, as well as a girl 1 year younger than me and another guy 2 years younger than me, both extremely homophobic in school towards me, who eventually came out as gay themselves.

The high school only had 1 hallway, with 1 teacher per grade and the kids would switch classes.

During class change, I had to hear 3 guys who knew why I was suspended walk past me and call me homophobic slurs every day. I knew it was towards me bc no one else was outwardly gay, as if I even had a choice. I couldn't tell a teacher what was going on or I would've been suspended from school again just for trying to get help with being called slurs and being treated like I was less than human.

I eventually graduated from the school. Once I graduated, I posted on facebook and came out as transgender. Someone on there saw and outed me to my sister who outed me to my mom. Later on, my mom yelled at me and asked me why I wanted to be an ugly man.

In 2015, I met and dated a guy who would later sexually assault me and 2 years later r word me. Had I stayed with him, I would've been r worded often as he didn't think consent was important. I realized in June 2022 that he had r worded me, but that was 5 years after he did it.

I have a girlfriend right now and I'm struggling to make it through every day bc I just can't deal with every single day. I blame my parents and my siblings. I blame them and I don't care if they deny it. I know that suicide might be my choice but I am not the only guilty one, the only one at fault for what led up to it. I hate staying alive with everything I have to deal with. I shouldn't even be fronting but I don't know what to do.

I know 2017 is my fault and I know I should've been gone when I was 16. I guess this is just me making up for it now.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know i think the main reason that i believed that i couldn’t possibly have adhd (before it became a topic on here) is because some of the people i knew who definitely have it or possibly had it/have it are guys.

the first person i met with adhd was one of my guy friends in my group at public school, who had to give his meds to the office and go there at certain times during school to take them to help him focus throughout the day. he was the hyperactive type.

there was another guy friend in that group who had adhd as well, who always said his constant interrupting of our ancient history class and his needing the social worker who would come to class with him some days was because his having adhd. now if this friend talks to me he blames his adhd on why he hates everything in life and “why just why did i never try in school and you have to fix that for me” basically becomes the main gist of every convo with him.

also i think maybe a couple of guys at catholic school in high school had it too, but the school was much better at hiding it because we had a semi well supported special ed department; so sometimes those boys would head down there and not be in a mainstream class. but if they were in a mainstream class a lot of the time they weren’t in my classes (especially in english) but instead in the bottom class. but they were defs in my maths class because two guys (one of which i thought had absolutely nothing wrong with him but now i think he could’ve actually had adhd- but if i’d thought that in school i thought he was “faking it” somehow so he could be with his friend so he didn’t feel alone in class with a special ed teachers aide).

but somehow i managed to get through high school and uni... albeit falling out of postgrad. although i don’t exactly help pay bills at home (because my dad excuses me from doing it by saying to “save your money” even though i feel like i should be paying at least some form of rent or helping with the bills) i still do buy my own groceries and stuff at the chemist. but sometimes i go overboard with buying shit on afterpay, mostly in the form of impulse buying clothes.... and i was doing this frequently during undergrad uni and postgrad... as if the clothes would fill a hole in me or something and especially after turning in an assignment and when i’d received the assignment back. it got pretty out of control. like once i spent $150 on a vibrator and during on campus uni i was spending like $150 some pay weeks on clothes i didn’t really need except to show off on campus. and this was BEFORE afterpay and other “buy now, pay later” programs were a thing. like wtf did i need to spend $150 on a fucking asos brand trench coat???? ridiculous.

it was the same with tumblr. i remember once throwing a fit because the internet wasn’t working or some shit so i couldn’t use tumblr for a few days. like how stupid is that??? i was even using tumblr during classes in uni, and that creative writing professor i had in 2017 called me out on that during one lesson... being all like “why on earth are you on social media during my class, gwladys?” and i glared at him bc tumblr was basically my entire social life. and i’ve written before about how engrossed i’d get in clearing out my blog archive and likes archive on here, that is do it until 3am without realising how time had really gone by. and it got to the point that i was doing this during my classes (both lectures and tutes) and in my breaks at uni. like it was BAD. that i couldn’t not think about it. i’d also obsess over notes as well, if i made my own posts (and i admit that i still do that).

there was also further back in 2012 and 2013 where i was so stupid jealous at the people who i considered to be “popular” at school would get 50 likes on just one status about something as pointless as “i’m making toast 🍞” or something as equally banal and pointless. so instead i got bitter and started “an experiment” where i’d study who was online and how many people were online at a certain time of day (like 8am before school, 1pm while we were at school, 6pm at dinner and then like 10pm at night before bed) and post my statuses then to see how likes i’d yield on those posts and if it got close to 20-50 likes over the multiple posts. sometimes i was lucky to get to like 10-15 likes on one status at once, and those posts made me feels vaguely successful. finally, sometimes i’d post the same status posts on here to see which social media platform would give me better results. like it was super weird.

then even further back in year 10 i got fixated on getting over the “liked pages limit” on facebook which was somewhere around like 5,000 or something. so i’d spend hours upon hours on end liking pages.... some of which i deeply regret liking when they pop up in my feed for the first time in like 10 years 😂😂😂 then sometimes my friends would post on my wall to be like “DUDE HOW THE HELL DID YOU LIKE *enter stupid fb page title here* AND 645 OTHER PAGES????!!!!” THEN as far back as year 8, i obsessed over the word count (until i finally found it was about maybe 1200 words??) on one of my best friends myspace forum pages where i’d post really fucking weird messages to her sometimes about my week and stuff, when she went overseas for 5months.... and then i turned the word count cut off thing into a competition with my other best friend bc she couldn’t figure it out and i refused to tell her the word limit 😂.

i also did the above with texts on my phone as well, and especially with my web slider phone; because that would constantly conk out when i’d write like 20page messages to my friends. i’d throw it against my bedroom wall and cry when it decided to conk our during those absolutely stupidly long messages. looking back, i don’t blame it for doing that when the phones memory was literally only like 2gb (😂😂) and i’m sure a 20page message would take up like 645 megabytes of that lmao (ok probs not but you get my point lmao). like i basically had zero filter and would write novel length messages to people.... which i still do tbh based on who i’m talking to. i just don’t know when to shut the fuck up. and that’s the same on here lmao.

anyway. this is just another musing on how maybe i could have adhd and i’m not self-diagnosing at all. but it’s stemmed from going through my posts again and people saying that i should probs get tested for adhd bc my behaviour possibly sounds like adhd in girls/women. but the problem is i’ve only ever known guys with it.

anyway don’t reblog this please and i’ll probably delete this post soon.

i just needed to vent again.

[prophezeiung]

@vorhersage​ said:    3, 12, 18 for all of them thanks​​   ›   oc creation questions ( accepting )

3. how did you choose their name? carter: i remember scouring baby naming websites for the most obnoxious sounding rich people names. i wanted something more ~modern frat bro-y but with a touch of old money™ too, so in the end i went with lewis montgomery carter which imo already sounds extremely annoying so i’m happy. lloyd was.. just a vibe... but also lloyd bank, no correlation but a vibe. marty: marty was acc a really stupid one, because i first made him on forums where you have to sign up with the character’s name... very funny story for a different day but i just wanted to make an account so i could work on the site, so i just picked any random name that i thought sounded cute. i think i was thinking of back to the future? only after that we came up with an rpg concept and i started creating an oc... who wasn’t very marty mcfly-ish at all? but i decided to stick with this fresh nickname and give him an eccentric real name...... that’s why it’s a stretch from artemis to marty when he literally could’ve been arty but that’s not a vibe at all. his middle name is aurelio bc it’s cute and lighthearted but i realized it’s almost a c/mbyn mood which .. puke.. also all his siblings have a. a. names so 8) graves just sounded nice and dark academia-y, plus because it was a fantastic beasts-ish rpg concept i was thinking of claiming p.ercival graves as a distant relative oop. when i removed marty from the hp setting i thought the last name still fit v well with his new lore so i yoinked it from fb and now it’s mine uwu pandora: i have no clue how i came up with pandora, i just thought it’s funny to give her the nickname bread bc ‘big bread’ was somewhat of an inside joke but i couldn’t make myself give her the last name grande... also all my central american friends have like 7 names each so i wanted to give her at least one middle name and two last names ... i went with belén like bethlehem because it doesn’t fit her AT ALL hehe and then for a last name i really liked olivar.. bc of plant imagery and it sounded like bolivar... anyway... holden: very non-deep i found it on a baby naming website and vaisey is a golden trio era side-side-character so i just thought i’ll make an ancestor ... stonks! 8) margaret: i really really liked the nickname muffy and so i looked up for which names it’s a nick name... mary and margaret just happened to be on the list, which perfectly matched her background hehe 8) barr is actually kind of an eva-ism, i asked her if i should name my character after a.aron burr or c.atherine parr and she said yes <3 so i did 8) conan: conan means little wolf babey!!!! r.emus l.upin who!!!!!!!!! irish werewolf all the way!!!! and hm mcloughlin just struck me as irish™ idk it sounds nice! sunshine: haha... i didn’t have a name for her for the longest time, i just knew she was a hippie gal with a pure heart and uwu attitude so eva and i just called her ‘sunshine rainbow baby’... and then when it came to actually naming her... i didn’t :) it’s just the right amount of tacky and in-your-face so i kept it ayyy emily: she just was emily .. i didn’t choose the name it was just there and i accepted it.. sorry... for her last name i looked at japanese name meanings that sorta fit her vibe and i liked all the kuro- ones bc kuro means black which... hello... and kurosawa just sounded really fitting!

12. what have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your oc (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)? carter: the fact that he knows shit about american politics and icba to look that up for every reply. plus the fact that his political opinions disgust me .... also i changed carter’s fc once and that kinda messed up a little how i picture him physically, esp with art and edits i... still don’t know if he rly has curly hair or nah.. have stopped thinking about it... marty: the fact that he’s so cringey and his vocabulary is bigger than mine.. also he has read walden and i refuse to... generally his obsession with classic literature is a big yikes for me bc the canon is so str8 white cis male heavy oof pandora: her lore? i am very lazy with her lore... also finding the balance between whirlwind and Chill.. i know she’s there i just gotta find where exactly... holden: trying not to make every reply sound the same but he only has 2 emotions ( angry, a little less angry ) so it’s hard. muffy: not so much difficult as interesting but i find out more and more that muffy is actually... kinda dark? idk man i don’t wanna see her snap. ( but actually.. i do.... ) conan: it just hurts man.. everything about him.. i want happy endings for my characters so bad but i wonder if he can ever be happy without being sad :/ sunshine: her whole inner monologue lmaooo i have no idea what i’m writing i’m just winging it?? emily: i’m yet to find out babey 8)

18. what is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your oc?

carter: how whiny he is rip :/ i knew he kinda was.. but oh boy he’s terrible... marty: his relationship with Evil people and that he actually... would rather follow charisma than ideology which is a big oof ://// .. not that he’s into breaking the law at all but his moral compass is so weak and he usually thinks about other things and he is so easily peer pressured that he could high key be manipulated into doing bad stuff :/ pandora: she’s a coffee person! holden: that he spits on kids muffy: that she’s kind of a slytherin? conan: he can’t sit with his back to the door.. sunshine: she could be kind of an adrenaline junkie? not in a dangerous way she just... is the person who says ‘ i wanna go again! ’ after getting off the roller coaster hehe emily: that she swears oop

[isa-ghost]

Achievements Unlocked?

The last decade has COMPLETELY shaped who I am now and the fact that it ends today and essentially sends me off into the next one where turning 30 is the end is something I can’t wrap my head around and not just bc it’s barely 9am as I’m writing it. Ten years hasn’t felt like ten years and all the shit that’s happened during those ten years feels like it’s happened in the last like,,, 3.

Basically this is just me going How The Fuck Did All Of This Happen In A Decade and highlighting the big things that shaped who I am now.

Uhhh this is long I’m gonna-

2010/2011 (Shit’s A Blur):

I started noticing aesthetic interests I had.

I developed my love for the outdoors and exploration.

I started realizing vaguely spooky things were really intriguing to me.

I got SUPER into Harry Potter.

Which lead to me creating my first two Ocs.

I started switching from drawing animals/landscapes to drawing people.

I made my first cluster of friends I hoped I’d have forever. (Spoiler alert: only still have one of em).

2012:

I started identifying with punk rock & emo culture/aesthetics.

I made my first cluster of online friends (Spoiler alert: don’t talk to any of em now)

I got into YouTubers.

I got into anime.

I made my first “blog.” It was a Facebook page for a fictional character.

I discovered my favorite band.

I made my first online friend I hoped I’d have forever (still have em so far!)

I met my future wife.

I started roleplaying with Ocs.

Which lead to making more.

I started drawing digitally using bases. Which started my improvement.

I made my own first little community via my FB page.

Which lead to an rp group of more friends I hoped I’d have forever (still got a handful of em!)

I discovered my other favorite bands.

I started using Skype.

I got into more anime.

My parents were officially fully separated. 

Which began the very start of realizing my dad was verbally abusive.

Congrats Isa, You Need Glasses You Dumb Fuck. Hooray astigmatism.

I graduated 8th grade.

2013:

I was essentially forced to move in with my dad for high school.

I started high school.

Officially became total anime trash and started watching them like crazy.

I THINK I hit 100 Ocs at some point this year. Just kept makin them from here.

Met my first cluster of irl forever friends (spoiler alert: only have 1 now).

Learned having Ocs was Not Just An Isa Thing, Holy Shit I Thought I Was Just Weird.

Promptly fell in love with learning about other people’s Ocs.

Realized Wow, I Kinda Can’t Stand My Dad And I Don’t Trust Him.

Had my first boyfriend. *gag* He was nasty.

Experienced my first long distance relationship. It lasted 3 days.

2014/2015 (Shit’s Also Blurry):

Got another long distance boyfriend. First relationship I genuinely liked the person.

I realized talking multiple people through the lowest points of their lives and keeping them from harming themselves was a sign I should maybe get into psychology and do that as a job.

I started getting interested in researching mental disorders.

Realized Okay Yeah, I Lowkey Hate My Dad

Realized I had A Concerning Amount Of Symptoms Of Depression. Fuck.

Realized Huh, Girls Are Pretty Too,,,

My friend taught me about bi and pansexuality. Casually started identifying as pan. Didn’t know shit about LGBT+ stuff.

Was shown a video by my friend. Decided Wow I Really Like This Screaming Potato Guy.

Acquired one more forever friend I still have.

Got slapped in the face by Gravity Falls.

My mom moved out of the rural town I just spent the last like 8 Years Of My Own Character Development In, Dammit

I realized money and finances Fucking Sucks.

Had the,, probably worst year of my adolescence. Angry, depressed, sick of my dad. It was Not Great. Almost started self-harming, only didn’t because I’d be a hypocrite if I did after helping my friends stop doing it.

Homestuck invaded my life around here I think.

Decided I’m Gonna Live With My Online Friends One Day! (spoiler alert: nope).

Was kinda forced by my dad to move out of the apartment I lived in and therefore forced to transfer schools.

Got to meet my future wife irl for the first time. Wow that was,, so gay before we even realized.

Okay Hold On, This New School Is,,, Really Nice.

2016:

New school. New me. New friends. New everything. Fuckity shit fuck.

Okay wait they have an anime club like my other school did we good.

Met another two forever friends that I think really are forever friends now.

Angry Shitty Depression Time Died Down A Little.

Somehow learned about evilsonas. Huh, Does Jack Have One? ... Ok Cool, They’re All People’s Ocs. Meh.

Started learning how to drive. Oh My God This Is Fun.

Lost my second ever pet and was... very confused when I wasn’t as traumatized as I was the first time I lost a pet.

Boyfriend kinda Thanos snapped from existence bc his irl life was hectic.

Experienced what it’s like to have a friend that died.

Wow my irl best friend is hot. ... Okay I Think Boyfriend’s Absence Is Bothering Me. *proceeds to ignore that*

Gets into some more bands.

Knock Knock, You Have Separation Anxiety, Isa.

Finally decided to try out high school things like homecoming. Ooh That Was Actually Fun.

The beginning of the worst end to a friendship I’ve ever had starts. Not Handling It Well.

Discovered Fooster. Cue hyperfixation on new favorite YouTuber and more new friends.

Wait What The Fuck What Just Happened To Jack’s Camera,,,, OH MY GOD HE ISN’T-

HE IS. OH FUCK HE IS. MMMMHELLO KNIFE MAN.

Totally forgets he exists for the next like 10 months.

Realization I Really Fucking Love Halloween.

Discovered what asexuality is and immediately identifies because I thought I was just weird.

Hmm maybe I should start watching this Markiplier guy

Big Sad Times, My Friends Graduated. Next Year Gonna SUCK.

Tried out Dungeons & Dragons. Fuckin loved it.

2017:

Ah fuck I’m a senior in high school this is gonna be a trip.

Discovered I like photography.

Literally where did this school year go it’s so blurry.

Was convinced to end the relationship with boyfriend. He’s still a good bean.

Hey uhhhh online best friend do u big gay.

WE big gay.

Found a book I really like that isn’t Harry Potter, damn it’s about time.

Ok But This Book Really Fucked Me Up, I Love It.

OH FUCK WAIT I’M GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.

Oh that wasn’t so bad.

Actually had to be PUSHED by my friends to have my first kiss with my girlfriend at my graduation party because I was too busy going [dkasjdjf] about having her physically in my presence at all.

First super memorable vacation. Wow I Fucking Love Traveling.

Got to meet another online friend!! I am,, incredibly lucky about being able to do that, this was like the 4th friend I got to meet.

[That one motion blur conspiracy theorist meme] SABRINA IM TELLING U JACK IS UP TO SOMETHING HIS TWITTER IS FUCKY

Gets punched in the throat with Kill Jacksepticeye on the way home from vacation and remembers how much I fucking love Anti

TIME FOR COLLEGE. I made a mistake.

TIME FOR COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Much Better.

Friend I Still Have From High School 1/2 introduced me to Bendy and the Ink Machine. HYPERFIXATION TIME BABEY.

Let’s,,, lets try Tumblr. Jack exists there a lot. And so does good art of everything I’m interested in.

Wait Who’s This Baby With The Mustache, JACK EXPLAIN

Okay there’s More Going On Here, lets get active in the community.

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SECURITY FOOTAGE. THIS IS SKETCH. THIS ISOH MOTHERFUCKER ITS ANTI

Isa: Become Theorist

The rest is history, really, all stuff I’ve posted about on here. xD

And knowing me I’ve left out other highlighted bits but remembering all of this is,,, really exhausting lmao, I’m surprised I jotted down as much as I did in Relatively Chronological Order.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #255

“who gives a fuck if they hate you; you’re the god that they pray to.”

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Could you go a day not talking to the last person you kissed? It would suck. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? I didn't like, sob, but "Another Life" by Motionless In White does it. Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? Well, I can't with Sara considering she lives two hours away, and that's by plane. If she lived here, duh. For Girt or Jason, yes. Without saying any names what is one thing that you would like to say to someone(s)? I'm sorry. Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No. Would you date someone who lived in another state? Eh, maybe. I don't know if I want to do long-distance again. I mean I probably would, but idk. Are you friends with your ex? Sara and Girt, yes. Who is the person you last texted? Sara. When’s the last time you told people you were fine, but really weren’t? I dunno, I honestly don't lie about that often. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Months back when I found out the shit my therapist said about me and disability. Not only did I want to knock her jaw off, but I sobbed for like, a long-ass time. Who did you spend your summer with last year? Just Mom, really. ... Or wait, maybe that was the summer Sara was here??? My memory is such shit, idk if that was last year or the one before. What’s bothering you right now? Stress about dropping out. Have you lost friends in the past year? I don't think so, at least. Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out? We did date. If the person you’re dating said they were falling in love with you, what would you do? I'm not dating anyone. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Sara. Do you have a secret life? RP stays a pretty big secret. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes. Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No. What are you watching? Nothing rn, surprisingly. I'm listening to music. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yeah. There’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? Jump out the window. If the last person you kissed went back to their first love, what would you do? I think I am hers. Do you own any bug spray? No, not currently. We need some damn wasp killer. Every spring/summer, they build a nest literally right above our back door. Are you a good gift giver? Honestly think I'm really good at it. I always try to put a load of thought into it. What's the longest trip you’ve ever been on? The drives to either NY or Florida. I can't remember which is further. Are you a daughter or son-in-law? No. Do you know anyone in the military? Multiple people. Do you like your significant other's siblings? N/A Have you ever received a singing birthday card? Yeah. Those always suck when you open them and boom, loud singing to an obnoxious song. Do you own anything made by APPLE? My iPod. Have you ever tried Hamburger helper? Yeah, that was a semi-frequent dinner as a kid. I never liked it that much, though. What was your first car's color? N/A Do you have a best friend? Ye. Do you remember who your Kindergarten teacher was? I do. Do you have a favorite president? A least favorite? No, considering I don't know enough about any and their policies. Can you french braid? No. Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? I was as a tiny kid. I met my first best friend that way. What's your least favorite color? I'm just gonna use the very basic colors: yellow or green. Do you know anyone in jail? Not currently. Do you have kids? Ew. What's the strangest name you’ve ever heard? Apples. Yes. I'm serious. How old were you when you learned to walk? Idk. Do you own anything made of lace? Yeah. What's your favorite football team? Idc. What kind of bubble gum do you chew? Just about any. Fruity is my favorite. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit or two-piece, a speedo or trunks? NOBODY needs to see me in a two-piece. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. Do you support a charity? Well of course. I used to give coins to those super-old charity things for sick kids back in the day, but I can't remember the exact charity it was. I also donated hair to Children With Hair Loss a couple years back. I haven't donated to any other that I know of bc no personal income and I don't ask my parents for money really, but boy have I wanted to. I always use that Facebook feature where you pick a charity to share and ask for donations for your birthday, though; I've done the Trevor Project and one for pancreatic cancer in honor of my grandmother. I don't remember the others. Do you pop your knuckles? EW no please don't in my presence @ Sara. Do you scrapbook? No. I just don't have the creative drive and dedication to. If you could change your eye color would you and to what color? A much brighter blue. Have you ever had braces? For a long-ass time because we couldn't afford to take them off. One tooth is pushed too far back because of it. Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? No. I want to live in the woods where *that's* my yard. When were you the saddest in your whole life? 2016 OH WOWIE WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever seen a ghost? I definitely believe I have. Are you a virgin? No. How many books do you read a month? I like, just started reading again, so I can't say. Can you type fast? Very. In school were you bullied? I'm extremely thankful I wasn't. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I love it. Do you own a boat? Not me myself, no. Dad does. What about a camper? No. Do you read the newspaper? No. Are you on any teams? Team Mystic in Pokemon Go *waggles fist @ criticism* If you died today where do you think you’d go? Idk. Who really knows what happens when you die. I hope it's some serene existence, but, *shrugs*. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Ummmm I don't think so. Who is the first contact in your cell phone? Best friend! :') What color are you bed sheets? The one I'm using now is light blue. Do you use online dating? I cannot FUCKING believe I was briefly on Christian Mingle I would actually rather die- How often are you sick? Extremely rarely. Did/Do you miss a lot of school? Eh. I had my mental health days and had to leave early a lot. Do you like scented candles? Yeah man. When was the last time you were told you were pretty/beautiful/gorgeous? When I recently changed my FB picture after forever. Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with? No. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Roman being silly. If someone were to ask you out right now would you say yes? I don't know. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yeah. Name four things you want right now: My fucking tattoo updated laksjdlflw, a healthy goddamn weight, my laptop, and a tarantula omg. Do you prefer to hold or be held? I mean, it depends on who we're talking about. I guess generally held? Are you currently wanting any piercings? You have no idea. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. What was the last thing that made you feel like your life was complete? lol I've never felt that. You ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? Yeah. Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? Off the very top of my head, no. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? One of my favorite pictures of Teddy, because I adore and miss him. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Plaid. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I mean, not especially. They're crowded and it's a bad association anyway since it was the last time I hung out with Jason. The cake is indeed the best part, lmao. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? American. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? Red, yellow, and blue. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Very rarely. I'm not all that tall. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? No. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? As someone who is bipolar, very much so, yes. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I was fine. Do you like those "end of the world," "Armageddon" movies? Not especially. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, by far. Strawberries and broccoli. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: This is not intentional or meant to be discriminatory of those with 'em, but penises literally repulse me visually. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Yeah, even though I'm scared. I think I say "hi" or "hey" most. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? Extremely heteronormative. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? HA no. I'm an anxious mess that is not fast or nimble in any way. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I like the reddish/yellowish ones. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Maybe like, 15-20 mins away. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Honey ham. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pencil, by far. You can erase. Scibbling stuff out looks messy. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I am NOT kidding: one of the motivating factors of me going back to public school after 8th grade was the idea of making new friends and maybe making a band to be the guitarist lmfao. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? I have multiple for different reasons, but #1's gotta be Mark, man. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was a really friendly kiddo. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I don't think so. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Idk who that would be. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? I don't believe we have. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish having an infected cyst drained without NEARLY enough numbing medication on the goddamn devil. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Yeah. I like the chocolate sundae one most. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? MMMMMMMMMMM cool ranch. Usually soda with chips. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Ozzy. *shrugs* I like my online nickname and the "y" added sounds kinda affectionate ig. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? I don’t plan my outfits. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? No. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2017. SO MUCH DEVELOPMENT AND HEALING!!!!!!! Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No.

[operativesurprise]

Dreams I’ve had recently enough to find with a quick scroll on my fb wall

was dreaming about a cave last night. With lots of shallow pools of water along the floor. I feel like if I'd seen the layout from above it would have looked like paisleys. There was a creature there tending the pools. Sweeping detritus away, skimming the surfaces of the water. It took moss that was growing too thick in some places and put it into bare areas, and it was very gentle with the little frogs and salamanders living on the walls.

There was the sound of bats and the dripping and echo of water, and a low hum in the background, but the creature itself made no sound. You heard the bristles of it's broom, and the soft shift of stones it touched, but no footsteps, no breathing, no nothing but a soft chiming noise as it looked in each pool.

The waters all glowed, some white, some pale blue, others pulsed through light pink to deep magenta. The whole dream had this aura of calmness, of being content. It was like being in a giant zen garden but dial the peace up even more. I'm not really sure where -I- was in the dream. My POV was kinda hovering over the figure as it tended to the pools, but I'm fairly certain I wasn't the figure itself. I was like, 6 inches up and to the left.

_____

I've been trying to sketch an image I had in a dream last night and it's just not setting up right. It was like. Honestly it was like the first few seconds of the Adventure Time intro animation - that super fast 'drone camera' POV that swoops down through trees and stuff and focuses in on a character with their back to the camera and then they turn and look?

I was swooping through this orchard of blooming apple trees - and I took note bc for some reason I was surprised they weren't pear and peach trees like 'they were supposed to be'.

But as the camera/I got closer to this feminine figure standing under the branches and the flowers and these really almost black-green leaves in this rich green velvet textured dress (it's totally the dress that's on the original golden book cover of Ella Enchanted), with big free fall bouncy waves of BLOND hair, they turn and instead of it being that kinda anime "turn and wink/smile" and the camera goes to the next, she turned around and it was a dead eyed marionette.

My camera POV just slammed to a halt with the freeze frame of this... entity (which I 'knew' in my dream was The Druid) (Even though this wasn't really an MJ dream) looking up and over their shoulder at me, like they'd become aware of the camera and were looking straight at ME. The branches with the flowers and the leaves above it framed it really close and I couldn't see much other than the scribbly ovals of it's eyes. Then the colors all got desaturated except for the apple blossoms.

And then that dream was over.

___

Vivid dreams last night about being on house hunters. With Lithrick as the realtor.

Also had a very ominous dream about standing in a misty open field, feeling the sawgrass scrape my bare arms and shins, staring up into the grey sky while sharp winged birds with broken bodies 'flew' through the air. It looked like how a washcloth you are swirling in a tub of water looked. There was no sound for that one but I could feel the rain on my face as I looked up.

Then I was dreaming about being on the beach in Belize with the chitons and baby hermit crabs and the breeze and I was watching the sunrise.

___

I've been having zombie nightmares since Sunday. Sunday and Monday were taking place in the shopping mall (which is a relatively new venue for my dreams), Sunday being the Beginning of the outbreak (and star trek themed) and Monday mostly about life starting up in the 'colony' of this gigantic shopping mall.

But last night I dreamed about the collapse of the colony and then survival in the forest.

There was a man in a wheelchair who had arrived at the shopping mall with his mother - both of whom were injured but not infected. We let them in and the mother succumbed to her injuries shortly after.

This left the man in the wheelchair distraught and he would wheel around the open plaza in the center of the mall mumbling. It was not concerning - until other weird things began to happen.

Like how one of the dorm areas had mysteriously become locked, how some people were going missing (presumably they left to try and find their families), and how some older people were getting injuries in the night - explained away by "well, old people have delicate skin and maybe they bumped themselves".

But then the man in the wheelchair wheeled up to the mezzanine and shouted for attention. And then he collapsed, and clouds of mosquitos erupted from his wounds and began to attack people.

Flash forward to a weird mix of irl and larp characters living in the woods behind my house in an abandoned homestead - I had gone from dying by mosquito to being Sano and a group of us avoiding Velociraptors in the long grass as we made our way back to the relative safety of this bombed out building husk.

But then The Rattler Gang came - horribly tattooed and violent and they ransacked through the homestead and were almost into our barricaded room when not-quite-Malaki and sorta-Allison with an ancestor spirit wig on saved us.

The dream ended with us all in a cave explaining to a horrified Morgrym that "see what happens when you're late?"

It was so weird bc as the dreams progressed and became more MJ and less Real World but with Zombies the zombies became less of an issue (I mean, repel undead is a thing)

___

Last night I dreamed about Ridge Road being a swamp instead of a road. The fields on either side were the same, but the road itself was a Louisiana/Florida/Bayou/Swamp thing with hot, moist air, dragon flies, grasses, alligators, everything you could want (though the water was clear as day).

And I was walking along the broken up boards that served as this sorta river trail following the path of the road. Slats were missing in places and it was a distinctive walnut color, and it was rickety and I could smell the heat of it like being on a dock in the summer time.

And as I was walking along I knew I was heading toward Harris Hill farm but instead of the farm it was the Pirate Tavern bar that I dream about fairly often.

(as I'm thinking about it, it kinda has the air of a setting in a Curse of Monkey Island game crossed against Diablo II)

But before I can get into the tavern there was a crowd of tourists wading through the water nearby. Like, the most stereotypical hawaiian shirt white-sunscreen-on-nose and flyfishing capped tourists you could imagine. And they were lost looking for their fan boat but I didn't know where it was - but I also didn't want them to find the Pirate Tavern bc it's a secret and my co-owner Matt Sch would be mad if we had to relocate AGAIN bc non-pirates had found us.

And in my dream I am DISTINCTLY aware that LAST TIME there were also VAMPIRES there, but Skye Collins had bought out their half of that Pirate-Vampire Tavern to own it outright as JUST a Vampire Tavern so this time I went into business with Matt. Not Lithrick, Matt.

And I was -upset- in my dream until I 'remembered' that I hadn't skipped out on Skye and the Vampirate Tavern, I'd just opened another location with a different partner after reaching an amicable business deal. We still traded aligator blood grog for peat moss from the other location to serve a certain cocktail with at THIS one.

___

Had a dream last night that I was diving on a whale fall. But either I was minuscule or the whale was super gigantic bc the rib bones were these looming spires like I was watching a stroll under redwood trees through a low fisheye lense.

Thinking about it I can totally piece out the different dives that meshed to make this dream up.

The stalactites from the Blue Hole, The gelatinous muck on the bottom in the St. Lawrence The cold from the Brownstone Quarry

___

If we want to talk about a fever dream... last night I had a dream about being trapped on a volcanic island while the whole chain of volcanoes were erupting.

The evacuation was happening but I went back to the house for the animals and got stuck there. And other neighbors who couldn't get out in time were coming over with their pets and supplies.

I was watching the lightning and the ash fall outside when I saw three red colored golden retrievers but I could only get two of them to come inside and I spent the rest of the dream upset and trying to find the third one. I found other animals trying to hide from the ash and storm, but I woke up before finding that 3rd golden.

The lava flows were coming down the mountain too.

___

Dream time. So. A classical vampire and an actual bat demon are out on the town looking for something to do when they come across a nail parlor.

What a great idea, they think! We'll get manipedis and then do brunch over at IKEA.

But when they go into the nail parlor there is far too much religious imagery to be comfortable and the demon doesn't want to stay anymore so they go back outside all sad.

Vampire suggests they just kill and eat the occupants of the nail parlor and find something else to do with their day off.

Demon agrees to the plan but they have this 'thing' where when the two of them murder a bunch of people they leave a haiku written in the blood on the wall.

They begin to argue because they both have different accents and can't decide on the syllable count for a certain word.

___

So there's a string of tall, skinny houses in Litchfield after 'The Church' that usually feature in any nightmares I tend to have. Last night did not disappoint.

The lineup was this:

🏚🏠🏡🏠 An empty house, My house, the neighbor's house, and then for some reason my grandmother's house.

And we had gone next door to the neighbor's house for dinner, even though we knew it was dangerous to be outside of our house after dark. But as we gathered in their entryway the spotlights on the rest of the neighborhood started turning on and we knew we had stayed too late.

"They" were out there. You were safe in the daylight, you were safe at night as long as you didn't open your doors. BUT now it was night. And we had to get home.

So we slip out the door and we can hear the neighborhood using birdcalls to communicate the 'all clear'. As we are going down this overgrown embankment toward our house we see it.

One of them.

And then we hear someone sound the alarm, a series of owl hoots. It distracts the thing for a moment and we think we could slip away but it turns and starts trying to get into our house so we run to the empty one next door and JUST barely make it.

Dream me's mother and little sister make it into the screened in porch just ahead of me and I fall in and turn and only just get the door closed in time when It attacks.

It was a zombie. Or a ghoul. Or something. a woman with a bloody face and terrible teeth and honestly it looked like Reagan from the Exorcist and she launched herself against the screen door which I'm trying to keep closed.

I know she can't get in the door but then she makes this horrible noise and says,

"You won't be safe for long. We're getting stronger,"

And the door is almost coming off its hinges but I -know- as long as I keep the door closed at night we are safe and then she laughs and presses her face to the screen and says,

"I'll just get in tomorrow morning. Before you're awake. Because, really, what difference does the sun or stars make? I'll get in tomorrow,"

And then I woke up.

____

My dream last night was so complicated I can barely keep it straight.

I was some grizzled, older ex-con dude pulled out of my soft retirement as a school bus driver because a child genius was being used as the catalyst for the robot war apocalypse by his wealthy mother's greedy board of directors.

And somehow I had a time machine that I was gonna use to bring the kid back to the beginning of all the issues and he was gonna start sabotaging the dangerous inventions so he could just be a regular child genius instead of responsible for global-scale mass murder.

At one point I had thrown the kid's manifesto at him but he hadn't actually read it bc it was too big and there were no pictures but also bad language and he asked me what "twat" meant and the kid was horrified that they would use that kind of language. Like he was ambivalent about the murders but bad language was crossing a line.

And as part of my "wait. He's just a kid I can help him instead of kill him" epiphany for some reason I looked out the time machine window and saw my old motorcycle which was painted in blue tiedye pattern and that memory moved me enough to offer to help the kid.

So the kid grabbed his froggy backpack and offered to give me all of his science fair winnings (which was like. Hundreds of thousands of dollars and two telephoto camera lenses for some reason. And a green and purple feather boa) but I just took enough to buy a new motorcycle and told him to hide it from his past mother so they're not suspicious.

___

Okay subconscious, doing laundry with the elves of mirkwood is NOT becoming a reoccurring dream. Three times is enough. Stop now. ____

I was an undercover secret agent posing as the nanny to a royal family's children. The children had a pool party for the oldest's birthday, and I was in charge of the yacht rides in the aquarium tank. Halfway through the dream, Pirates attacked with large assault rifles, trolls, and fire elementals. I managed to save some of the children, but then Katina was healing the ones that had been injured when a Shadow quick deathbed them and I had to resort to Improv comedy to keep the remaining kids from screaming as their friends turned to ghosts around us. None of the adults would listen to me that the attack had been planned, they were convinced that it was random, and despite the fact that I had a way to turn back time and catch the one woman who had started the fight they refused to do anything but complain that dinner had been delayed.

[starlinfae]

Update of sorts. I just found out recently that I've been diagnosed without my knowledge with psychotic personality and mixed personality since at least 2004 (I was diagnosed transgender 2008 though my first visits over that were in 2003 and it was overturned in 2017). Whether I've been knowledgeable in 2004 or 2003 about the first two diagnoses, I do not know but with my current state of being, I do not recall ever being told about those diagnoses or having been treated for either of them at said era or after until 2012 when I had an episode that gave me psychotic personality diagnosis and medication (which nulled my entire sense of self and identity and I lost all talents such as singing and arts and any and all personality traits I identified/identify myself by). And didnt affect however any of the symptoms it was prescribed for.

I had the trauma and dissociation test finished, with the parting words of the nurse admitting based on her idea of the extent of my research into did/osdd (truthfully a few pages on did-research website) that she had a difficult time administering the test and claimed that since childhood I've been without control creating characters (she did not explain where she got this belief) to appeal and try to gain affection from my parents (sounded like kitchen psychology to me and left me entirely confused),while the truth is because of my cult upbringing and unstable mother and the whole religious dynamic pervasive through every single day of my childhood, I would've been making everything worse by play pretending to be a boy toward my parents. (This was the nurses point, that I wanted to be a boy to gain affection as if that would have worked and become a valid method of gaining affection. I have no memories of such nature toward my parents. What I do remember however is macro managing my behaviour by watching my mothers reactions, where she didn't even have to say a word for me to begin changing my behaviour to avoid her flipping on me or punish me for being wrong).

So in short, the nurse said the test indicated zero dissociative symptoms despite the symptoms i told her and I later repeated them to the doctor (she wrote down that my symptoms don't show up in the test as well).

All the interactions of the nurse were leading and suggestive questions that never had a follow up question further than an answer she deemed to support her idea that I don't experience what I experience. As if she has never worked with a trauma patient that predominantly seeks to minimize and deny trauma and triggering experiences by masking them inside a positive thing or twisting it into a positive thing.

Most of the sessions I felt low key attacked and doubted and like I was supposed to know things I have no way of knowing, such as what happens when I experience amnesia or who fronted during the period I experienced amnesia or if someone else in the system knows what has happened during the time of memory loss or how often memory loss occurs (I only became aware of the specific memory loss because it directly involved other people and the appointment times were incorrect compared to which appointment I thought I was going to, if it had never come up the way it did, i never would have caught on the memory loss at all). If I'm the one with the amnesia, how am I supposed to know the answer to these questions?

Or forgetting details such as what lead to my first sex or that I've attempted suicide in the past. Or that I've forgotten one of my elementary school mates (the only real one) had died a year prior to me refinding it out through fb. (I have a memorial necklace charm now, so I won't forget again). Or having ironically good memory of the layouts of the houses I grew up in, except in two of the houses, they both have the same second floor. One is real and the other one, I have no clue where I slept, where I played, who I shared my bedroom with, what happened on that floor, what that floor looked like, where my brothers slept and what did they do day to day. I have zero memories involving that second floor of that house (aside the only one of watching the neighboring house be on blazing fire), where all of us kids still lived at home. I have one hazy memory of my oldest brother (who has been later described by my other brother as generally violent and disturbed toward my other brothers, he almost strangled the third one by hanging him) and that is about him putting so much ketchup on his macaroni that even the dog couldn't stomach it when I took the plate to the dog.

The oldest brother got engaged and moved out while we still lived in that specific house.

Overall I have a good decent amount of memories (where I am either alone, with external people - mainly other children or then feeling rejected, neglected, punished, disapproved of by all family (aside my oldest brother, he's just a black presence that's never in contact with me or any of my memories) including relatives), except any trauma memories (including second hand trauma I have logically witnessed based on the hint memories and what I've been told about our family).

If im telling any "stories" it's one of Nothing bad ever happened in our family and even though I was alone and rejected by everyone, I was a happy kid. Most of my memories are from summer or sunny days.

So I am left hurt, doubted, dismissed and ridiculed even. And I'm leaving things untold that are outright misconduct toward a patient by a medical professional. And I was basically argued and condescended to til the very end and laughed at during a switch (because the doctor didn't understand what the fuck happened during the meeting with the alter who fronted and then us switching and shaking her hand thanking for her time when we were leaving). And these two were supposed to be somehow specialized with dissociative disorders, yet I had to hear how there is zero main criteria that DID has to have and how ICD-10 is just a mix of guidelines and symptoms and differs greatly from DMS criteria and that DID is a very rare disorder, relevantly new diagnosis and is very rarely diagnosed in Finland as if that makes it as rare as their diagnosing of it. And I'm just saying, other diagnosed Finnish people have publicly outright said that if you want help, you ain't gonna get a diagnosis or accurate help through public sector (where I was tested and all the above is from) but that if you want help, you're gonna have to see a private sector doctor. And I can't afford that, unfortunately and I'm so so tired and disappointed and feel unsafe with these people.

My current nurse uses misdirection by disrupting my talking during our sessions by saying irrelevant comments or demanding to finish lengthily their thought that has been established mutually already that it has nothing to do with my situation or the way I cope with things but is how she personally sees it and how it works for her/how she copes and how others cope. And she does this to shut me up. As if I wasn't there for my care and to get help with my problems but socialize with her about what she personally finds works for her and other and how sleeping badly because the brain can't clean itself from gunk can cause memory problems. And she succeeds in shutting me up because she forces me into a social mode/alter instead of listening to the parts that are connected to trauma. So I can't continue talking because I no longer even remember what. The. Fuck. I. Was. Talking. About. I guess my brain is dirty.

The doctor gave us only one diagnosis that is mixed personality disorder and it is described with profound diffusive identity, dissociative symptoms, psychotic personality symptoms.

I'm so fucking exhausted. I haven't wanted to die as many times in my entire life as I have wanted to die these past few months. I've never considered myself suicidal but I just don't want to exist like this anymore. There's no help. No one's offered anything to help with my problems. It's like they haven't heard a fucking thing. "so how have you been feeling?" is the fucking first thing the nurse wanted to focus on. When I told her I shut the whole system down after the diagnosis bc I cant deal with things (because the angry part wouldn't shut up and was making us crazy by going things over and over even though we can't do anything about it and made us completely apathetic we couldn't function) she says "isn't that a good thing?"

ISN'T THAT A GOOD THING??!

Please, I don't know, the fuck, I'm not sure more education is gonna help it. I don't have words left anymore.

[volgotha]

Holy shit I just read your text post I'm so sorry! How are people so easily sold on bullshit??? What happened that lead up to all that?

Okay, strap yourself in. I’m only typing this mess up once more and then I’m never mentioning it again as long as I live. I’m not going to tag it with anything relevant either so once its posted, i’m letting it get lost in the sea of reblogs. Here we go, warning; this is gon be long.

In 2006 I went to college. From 2006 to 2009 I hung out with 5 friends and my bf at the time, Andre. It was in 2007 that we started to poke our heads into the 2C11 room (the clubspace room). Matt and his best friend Jogn Carlo started coming with us to Rocky Horror, a thing only myself and two of my 5 friends would do together, along with ppl they knew from their old highschool. By 2009, we had formed a big gang of friends from the clubspace, and we all started going to movies and sushi together. One of my friends organize panels for Otakuthon, where we’d all meet up.      

But in 2009, two of the 5 ppl I hung out with had a falling out. They stopped being friends. One went to university, the other was around for one more year then she went to university in 2010. That’s when the old group began to change from a family to a clique: In 2010 new members joined the club, and became new staples in the old group–most importantly, a guy named Tin.

It used to feel like a big family, but when the new semester started in September 2010 and new members flooded the club, everything changed. Tin instantly gave me a strange feeling in my gut, like there was something off abt him I couldn’t articulate. Shannon was dating Alex, the then club president, who stepped down in disgrace after I and one of those 5 friends went to the student union to complain abt him being the Harvey Weinstein of the club,. He wanted to permanently ban her from the club bc that summer when he was making a shitty youtube movie, he asked her out and she said no. The only reason he stepped down is bc I helped her take it to the student union and took him down. So when 2010 came along, Tin swooped in and became Alex 2.0, and when I warned ppl abt him they didn’t listen.

Fast forward a year to 2011, and the shitstorm happens; My mom had bvee battling with cancer since 2009. She had a hysterectomy but it didn’t work, and the cancer came back with a vengance.

January 15th 2011: My mom comes into my room and tells me her doctor doesn’t give her 1 year left to live. A few minutes after she leaves my room, Tin talks to me on Steam. He starts trolling me, I exploded on him. I felt bad about it so I tried to apologise to him, and I wrote on my facebook wall a message: “Just found out my mom has a year left to live, not in my right head, plz stay away from me for a while” so i wouldn’t explode on anyone else. I said I tried to apologise to Tin on steam, because him being an abujsive sociopath, instead of just accepting the apology or not like a normal person, instead he starts demanding that i admit to being a shitdisturber. I ignore him at that point, tell him im sorry, wish him good night and then sign off steam, and go to bed.

The following day, Shannon heads me off as I’m in the 2C11 hallway heading to the clubspace room; she warns me that Kelly is having a shit fit and screaming about how much of a horrible person I am, that apparently Kelly thinks my facebook post is me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I run to confront her, because excuse me, no it fucking wasn’t yknow? and whatever trauma she hasn;’t resolved yet doesn’t give her the right to twist my meanings and paint me as a monster. Thats when she goes into the Oliver’s caf so I follow her, and she screams at me calls me pathetic and heads back into the clubspace, and everyone followed her and left me in the caf crying with Shannon and Alex. :/

The situation was made ten times worse later that night by a certain person named Mathew, remember him? He was supposed to be my friend. Instead, he took the opportunity to write a huge post on fb tearing me down, on which everyone else joined in taking a public jab at me. Matt was seen as the community leader at the time. He could have used his power to calm the situation down, instead he made things worse. To this day, I suspect that troll Tin is the one who twisted my words to trigger Kelly and cause all of this, and that he also had Matt in the palm of his hand, but i digress; Matt’s post convinced most of them to ditch me. That devastated me in an already overwhelmed state, and I attempted suicide a few nights later.

That summer, I saw that my former friends were all having a big party, “What Killed the Dinosaurs? The Bad Movie Night.”, and I wasn’t invited. Shannon saw how much it hurt me, so she invited to her bf’s party instead, and that’s where I met Paul.

The following school year of 2011-2012 went by without much incident. The people who had ghosted me slowly added me back, Matt even apologized for his shit, and things seemed to be on the up and up. It looked like all this drama was behind us. I was wrong.

After I graduated, I decided to go visit the club in Fall 2012. Big mistake.

I saw someone I knew, Sarah, crying on someone’s lap, and asked her what was up. She told me she was in an abusive relationship with Tin. For giving her the advice to leave him, Tin came at me on steam again, and I told him that he was an abuser, that he would not intimidate me and to go fuck himself, and I blocked him. Suddenly, Matt was trying to extort 100$ from me for 2 locks I had broken the year before, which should’ve only cost 42$. Where did that come from? Well, Tin was the club’s Treasurer that year. He was trying to get back at me for standing up to him and helping his victim escape, and he was doing it through Matt, who was going apeshit on me on MSN for refusing to pay 100$. I insisted I should only have to pay what I owe, which was 42$. He kept freaking out on me, so finally I threatened to get a lawyer involved, and that’s when he backed down. I still paid the money I owed for the locks I had broken but I blocked Matt, having had enough of his bullshit, and that’s when suddenly a bunch of ppl from the group ghosted me for good.

Why was I ghosted when Matt was clearly the one in the wrong? Because Tin. They ghosted me bc Tin told them to. Tin and Matt told them all sorts of shitty things about me and they believed them. They don’t hold Tin or Matt to any of their shitty actions though bc they don’t want the same abuse that happened to me to happen to them. They turn a blind eye to every shitty thing Tin and Matt do. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand there’s an extremely toxic abuse dynamic at play in that group.

But the story doesn’t end there. Remember that party I went to with Shannon, and that guy I met named Paul? From november 2011 to march 2015 we were together. I was isolated from whoever was left, only hung out with him and his friends. In 2014, I became close friends with a girl name d Ariel, a member of that old groiup who ghosted me. But that was probably a manufactured relationship manipulated into existance by Paul, so he could jump to her when he was done with me.

Paul was extremely abusive when no one was around. The night he left, we had a huge fight. I tried to escape the situation by running upstairs. He chased me and when I ran into my TV room and closed the door behind me, he started pounding on it and trying to push his way in. When he did manage to get through the door, I panicked, picked up a glass bottle and threw it at him, and then slammed the door again when he backed out. The bottle broke, and cut his finger very deep. He used that cut to get everyone present during the situation on his side. Nevermind all the crazy abusive stuff he had just pulled in front of them, no, I was the bad guy, and once he had them convinced, he left to my then bff’s house, who later became his new gf.

He posted a picture of the wound on facebook, and because of that and previous drama from years ago that never really went away, most of the friends I had left from Dawson believed him, and ghosted me. I couldn’t tell them that a week earlier he had raped me, and that’s why I was scared enough to throw that glass bottle at him.I filed a police report, I warned everyone who would listen to me about him, and I warned her. I did all I could.

 I was too scared to tell this story for such a long time, because if asking for understanding while my mom was dying was twisted into me using my mom as an excuse to get away with being a bitch, then asking for understanding for the outbursts I had after being raped would just be twisted into me using my rape as an excuse to get away with being a bitch. I couldn’t handle the idea of my rape being trivialized as just some excuse–and Mathew is in part responsible for it all, because of that fucking post he made publicly tearing me down. Had he not posted that, I would’ve never lost my support system, I would’ve never gone to that party with Shannon, and I would’ve never been raped.

So I spent the better parts of 2016-2018 telling those involved off for their part in my current situation and blocked them, and the rest rebuilding what I had back in 2009, with resounding success. 

So, there you have it. That’s what happened. Fuuuuuuuucking insane isn’t it. Its over now, none of them can hurt me anymore and Ive once again surrounded myself with friends I can actually trust, so everything’s good now. I still have my low days bc this was yknow, a lot, but I’m doing much, muuuuch better now. 

[sugarcanesiren]

Happy selfie night!! I think I've only done one of these before but this one seems apt. My doctor always jokes that he's never seen anyone with so many diagnoses because he has to scroll through my meds and match them with a specific ailment every month. To list then seems a bit asinine. I wasn't completely healthy before my open heart surgeries, but there has been a steady decline in my physical health, which has put additional strain on my mental health. I can no longer take any medications to aid in that aspect of my health (& there's many meds I can't take for my physical health as well...I can't even take ibuprofen or benadryl) because I developed a rare syndrome in which my heart could stop if I take any of the medications on a ridiculously long list of medications (pages long list). My body (and my mind) is gradually breaking down on me. The surgeries gravely affected my short-term memory, so don't ask me what happened yesterday, last week or even this morning. Sure I sporadically remember things, but it's usually aided by something visual, a sound (mb a song) or a person, that sort of thing. School has been RIDICULOUSLY difficult, but I'm doing the best I can. It just takes me a LONG time to do that sort of thing.

I actually wrote a paper on "invisible disabilities" a few months back. I can not tell you how many times I've heard, "but you don't look disabled" when going through security and such. I have metal in my heart, so I've set off metal detectors before. Now I tend to carry the cards with all of the device information (bc I have rubber in my heart, too).

When I was at one of the lowest points in my life, I decided to face one of my many irrational fears and trek to the city (NYC) by myself for Taylor's 1989 GMA performance. I met the most wonderful people and it was a turning point for me during that time. I had never really been on social media before, besides FB, (didn't know how tumblr worked and didn't get Twitter bc 140 characters just never seems to be enough, mostly bc I talk a lot and my thoughts are vast and random...thank you for that ADHD). My life, at that point, was going to doctors, physical therapy and counseling (4-5 days a week, usually multiple appointments a day). Particularly during my years of all that, Taylor and other swifties gave me something to focus on and get excited about. I had never seen Taylor on tour because I was always in the hospital, for months at a time, or recovering when she was on tour. GMA was the first time seeing her live (which was enthralling). But because I found my way there, and met some of the most beautiful people ever, I found my way to a few other swiftie gatherings. (And now I live in NYC, well, Brooklyn...NEVER thought that'd happen, EVER). @outofthewoods83 will always be my savior and is the most gorgeous human being EVER. Because of her I got to go to the 1989 tour AND the Formula 1 show in TX (& we were SO CLOSE for that😁).

I was a little out of the loop after last opening week. Life happened and then I decided to try to "suck it up", stop being afraid of failing and do something with myself. It's been a long journey, I'm still in the midst of, but I feel like I'm the precipice of something better, perhaps even great. Once I find a stable place to live, I'll be able to breathe (well, as much as my anxiety will allow me to). Ah, things will come together. I'm hoping before the Lover tour tickets go on sale🤞🤞

**Like I said, I'm very long-winded

[katsvra]

Tagged by @ryuzakki ​ thank you so much anthea <33

tagging: @kuruisu, @lovekuramas, @ocarinnas @kishitan-iis @usagiyamah @haru-kaas

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 15 people

LAST

1. drink - green tea !

2. 📱 call -  my mom 

3. text - a friend texting to ask about concert merch 

4. song you listened to - idk the name of the song but its the yakuza 0 soundtrack

5. time you 😢 - yesterday tbh 

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - never even dated anyone once lmao 

7. 😘 someone and regretted it - never kissed anyone either

8. been cheated on - nope

9. lost someone special - yes, when i was quite young

10. been depressed - yeah 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - never thrown up after drinking 

FAVORITE COLORS

12. (pastel) pink !! 

13. purple

14. blue

15. yellow ! 

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - yes  !! 

17. fallen out of 💛 - nope nope

18. 😂 until you 😢 - yes i have !! ive got some funny friends :’) 

19. found out someone was talking about you - nope but im sure people are 

20. met someone who changed you - um i didnt meet anyone knew but i got closer to some people who changed me!

21. found out who your friends are - not really 

22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - nope nope 

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your fb friends list do you know irl - all of them except tania and joanne

24. do you have any pets - i have a hamster named beanu ! 

25. do you want to change your middle name - not really, its my chinese name and i quite like it c: 

26. what did you do for your last 🎂 - i thought we were throwing a surprise party for my friend but when i showed up, it turns out they were all throwing a surprise party for me and it was super sweet :’) we ended up going for korean bbq  and karaoke ! 

27. what time did you wake up today - 12pm /sweats

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - working on my midterm notes 

29. what is something you can’t wait for - MARIANAS TRENCH CONCERT !! this wednesday!!!! i havent shut up about it for weeks !!!

30. what are you listening to right now - still the yakuza 0 soundtrack ! 

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - i knew someone named tommy which i think is close enough

32. something that gets on your nerves - when people :)) are late :))) and they dont notify you that they will be late :)))) so you just sit there for an hour, not sure if they are actually going to show up :))))))) 

33. most visited website - twitter & youtube & probably my school website 

34. hair color - auburn ish with black roots now lol 

35. long hair or short hair - i have rlly long hir and i like it on me ! altho i think short hair is adorable in general

36. do you have a crush on someone - nope

37. what do you like about yourself - i like that i try to view things optimistically, that im decently good at art, that im a big dreamer 

38. want any piercings - i used to until i found out im allergic to whatever they make earrings etc out of

39. blood type - tbh they told me and i forgot

40. nicknames - carz, carmine, weeb, dumbass, sunshine (which is still???? the cutest??)

41. relationship status - nonexistent

42. zodiac - virgo

43. pronouns - she/her

44. favorite 📺 show - hmm i havent watched tv in a while but the first that come to mind are b99 and doctor who. also rosy business!!! and scarlet heart (the original chinese one) was rlly good!

45. tattoos - love it on others, not so much myself

46. right handed or left - right!

47. ever had surgery - i mean,,, not that i can remember? 

48. piercings - I mean pierced ears but they are closing so ?? 

49. sports - i love skiing, skating and rollerblading !!! basically i dont like team sport, i like sports where i can just enjoy being outside c: 

50. vacation - we are planning a trip to BANFF!!! and im so excited!!! BANFF is such a gorgeous park and its just one of my dreams to go hiking or canoeing there omg ;; ^ ;; 

51. trainers - ??? are these running shoes??? i wear them in the summer bc i walk a lot, not so much winter bc canada is freaking cold

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - just gum

53. drinking - green tea, its all i ever drink

54. i’m about to watch - nothing since i need to study (but realistically, im going to watch yu yu hakusho)

55. waiting for - the concert ! and also for my acceptance (or rejection) letters to come in

56. want - a degree that can actually get me a job lol

57. get married - let me actually get into a relationship first before i think about this lol

58. career - dream career? field ecologist or working in a sanctuary or really anything environmental. realistically? teacher or nurse

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - hugs def

60. 👄 or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older, im already immature enough for the both of us

63. nice arms or stomach - ?? neither tbh

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - a bit of both !

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - nope, im literally the most boring person

67. drank hard liquor - yupp, actually more often than i should

68. lost glasses - yeah ^^;;

69. turned someone down - i think? in like elementary? 

70. sex on first date - nope

71. broken someone’s ❤️- maybe?? but like in elementary??? so does that even count lol

72. had your 💔 - not really but ive felt super betrayed by friends

73. been arrested - not yet 

74. 😢 when someone died - ,,,, yeah 

75. fallen for a friend - yes but she straight af so 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - on good days ! 

77. miracles - not really

78. 💛 at first sight - with fictional characters maybe. irl? nah

79. 🎅 - lmao santa vixx maybe

80. 😘 on a first date - ?? idk let me go on a date first and ill get back to you eventually

81. angels - only friends sweet enough to be angels

other

82. best friend’s name - they all have unique names so let me use their nicknames: uma, sai, rita & veanu, what would i do without them :’( 

83. eye color - brown 

84. favorite movie - Lord of the Rings & Howl’s Moving Castle !!!! and a bunch of really old movies that im not gonna bother listing

85. favorite actor - i mean i really liked andy lau for a long time. and also wayne lai & sheren tang because i just ADORE rosy business. and ryan reynolds. always ryan reynolds. 

[deathby1000cats]

I don’t wanna make this too long yikes but this is the tea so like last week before the Panic! concert, I received my birth mother’s phone number and Facebook page and I requested her and left her a voicemail and she added me today. She hasn’t called me back or sent me any messages yet but yeah. Okay so backstory time: I’m adopted. I was in a foster home until I was like a year old and then I was taken in by my adoptive parents at 13 months old but I wasn’t adopted until I was 13 YEARS old. My birth mom apparently wanted to keep me but she had addiction issues so DYFS took me away even though she took good care of me according to one of my biological brothers. I apparently have 5 other brothers (me being the youngest) and I had visits with them when I was a baby (I saw photos of the visits but I don’t remember them obviously) so I knew I was adopted. I knew my birth mom’s name so I would search her up online ever since I was 7 and wouldn’t find anything. But I kept searching. When I was 20 my mom, as a gift to me, gave me a photo of my mom with one of my brothers and her foster mom and names along with them (I didn’t know it was her foster mom til like a month ago but anyways.) I normally wouldn’t care about using names but I don’t feel like I should for privacy reasons so yeah. But anyways, I searched for my brother on Facebook along with my mother’s last name (I didn’t know if he would have my mother’s last name because usually the woman takes the man’s last name and so do the children and they’re my half brothers btw as far as I know so I would even know any of their father’s names). I found a profile with the name and sent a friend request and found out that it was him! He was adopted by our birth mom’s foster/adoptive mom so he was close w our mom. Anyways he added me and told me I was the first brother to reach out to him and that he was glad to hear from me and would help me track down my birth mom because he knows where she usually is. All our other brothers weren’t told they were adopted by their adoptive parents apparently and they apparently live in the area or at least and I was even almost in a class with one of my brothers (not the one I found on Facebook) but they removed me from the class because his adoptive mom didn’t want us in the same class. Anyways I talk to my brother only for a few days and then he goes inactive on Facebook. We talked in December 2017. Idk what’s going on and why he’s inactive and I kept searching for info about my mom and I found an obituary that said that my birth mom’s foster/adoptive mom (still not clear on which one it is) died and it listed her other adoptive kids and my mom. So I reached out to two of the kids w a generic message explaining the situation and their older sister messaged me back on FB the Wednesday before last right before the Panic! concert and added me and told me that she relates because she tried to find her birth mom and anyways she gave me her phone number and Facebook and was like “you can call her now?” And I was like “what....” because like I don’t feel like it should be that easy. And I lowkey felt pressured and anxious but anyways after an hour or so, I called my birth mom while on the way to the Panic! concert and she didn’t answer so I left a voicemail. She hasn’t called me back but I also requested her on Facebook and she accepted me this morning. She hasn’t messaged me yet but yeah. My brother’s adoptive aunt I guess also told me the reason he hasn’t responded is bc he’s locked up but anyways. So yeah. I want a relationship w my birth mom and brother and I want to find my other brothers and have a relationship w them as well but yeah this is where I’m at. I’ll keep y’all updated. Also my parents (like my adoptive ones but they’re just my parents y’know) are super supportive so yeah.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

another thing i hate in relation to today’s dating landscape is the expectation that you’re meant to send nudes to whoever and whenever someone demands them on snapchat.

like when i had a follower on here harass me for nudes a couple of years back, he was all like “what the fuck do you mean you’ve never sent nudes? wtf is wrong with you? you’re missing the best part of flirting!!!! 😜😉😏” and “you owe me nudes bc we’ve been following each other for 4 years on tumblr, don’t be a shit and send some!” so i sent him some (just my boobs no face) so he’d leave me alone over it. then he started to harass me for nude videos to “learn how to turn you (me) on”/to be his personal camgirl/to be a camgirl in general. and i never filmed or sent any videos to him and never considered being a camgirl in any sense of the term. like these attitudes are 1000% not the way “following” a stranger on the internet fucking works? by any decent and normal person’s standards (and my standards) anyway. because what the actual fuck has warped your perception of reality and women that much, you weird disgusting fucking creep? for the record, i’ve blocked his mobile number on my phone, and he can’t re-add me on fb bc of how i filter friends/connections on there. but i’ve blocked him on there anyway just in case he can message me outside of that. take this as a testment to either never or barely ever link your fb or share your mobile number with your followers on this hellsite, period.

but..... the whole reason i hate the idea of nudes is bc you don’t know what the person on the other side does with them. i should be allowed to be fuckin wary of anyone who asks for nudes randomly or even be wary of sending nudes generally even in a relationship. for example, sometime last year, my sister was talking to one of her old (male) friends who is pretty weird (and is kind of like her creeper). he told my sister that he was keeping his ex’s nudes on his phone so he could share them at any point to “teach her a lesson”. like what the fuck is the lesson, mate? that you’re a motherfucking piece of literal human fucking excrement? that not a single soul can trust you with intimate images? wow. what an achievement. you fucking piece of shit.

or to make it a global issue, remember when the icloud’s of a load of female hollywood stars nudes were leaked and men jumped on it like “oooohh i can’t wait to get my hands on j law’s or emma watson’s nudes! they’re so hot!” or even creepier comments than that, that i can’t remember. or that old site called glass door that the old lead singer of I killed the prom queen (an aussie hardcore band that was big in the mid 2000s but are still around now) actually half ran as a moderator back in the day, which he admitted to last year after he was banned from some festival for a reunion/anniversary set. it was a site where men slut shamed women and shared nudes of their partners and rated them.... or some creepy as shit like that. when I found that out last year i just cringed. like a dude that i looked up to in my teens was an absolute piece of shit.... but anyway.

so all in all, what i’m saying is that i hate the pressure to send nudes.... and i should be allowed to say no to sending them and be wary of men who ask for them.

[yakcult-archive]

85 Questions

i was tagged by the wonderful @scoupsadaisy thank you!!

last

drink: water

phone call: I don’t remember but I skyped my friends this morning 

text message: “Chris has family over right now and he’s been hiding me all day so I don’t have to go say hi to them”

song you listened to: Sea by BTS

time you cried: yesterday

ever

dated someone twice: yup

kissed someone and regretted it: yup

been cheated on: multiple times

lost someone special: yup

been depressed: yup

gotten drunk and thrown up: almost but no

fave colours: pastel blue, pastel pink, and yellow

in the last year have you…

made new friends: I did 

fallen out of love: no

laughed until you cried: alot 

found out someone was talking about you: just recently yes

met someone who changed you: yes but they’re not in my life anymore

found out who your friends are: hell yea

kissed someone on your facebook friends list: yes, bc im friends with my boyfriend on FB

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: most, if not all of them

do you have any pets: I share a dog with my boyfriend

do you want to change your name: I used to but I don’t anymore

what did you do for your last birthday: hung out with my boyfriend the day of but when I flew back home my mom and I went out for a super nice lunch and went shopping.

what time did you wake up today: around 9 am but fell back to sleep after eating breakfast and woke up at 1 pm

what were you doing at midnight last night: trying to sleep but my boyfriend was streaming and being loud

what is something you can’t wait for: honestly I can’t wait to be home in LA in October

what are you listening to right now: Check In - Seventeen

have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes

something that gets on your nerves: people

most visited website: probably youtube or tumblr or pinterest 

hair color: Somewhere between orange and blonde with dark brown roots

long or short hair: short hair

do you have a crush on someone: i mean my biases and my boyfriend are my crushes

what do you like about yourself: my style, my imagination, my memory, and my music abilities

want any piercings?: I want to get my ears pierced and possibly a very small nose piercing

blood type: A positive I think

nicknames: Ellie (by most people), El (by my friends), Ochita (my mom only), Lee Lee (my little cousins and some close friends)

relationship status: taken

zodiac: capricorn

pronouns: she/her

fave tv shows: Goblin, Are You Human Too, Scarlet Heart, Gangnam Beauty, and Heirs

tattoos: I’m supposed to be getting one in the coming months hopefully

right or left handed: right

ever had surgery: ankle and eye

piercings: none

sport: swim, water polo, dance, and flag football

vacation: I mean I guess I’m on vacation since I’m far away from where I live but it doesn’t really feel like one

trainers: I think this is a question is about sneakers... my favorites are my nike air max and my doc martin sandals

more general

eating: noting but I’m starving

drinking: water

i’m about to watch: more random videos

waiting for: thursday bc so I can go food shopping

want: more sleep

get married: maybe one day

career: music producer

which is better

hugs or kisses: both

lips or eyes: both

shorter or taller: I like people who are the same height or taller than I am 

older or younger: My limit is 6 years older than I am (so like 1992 is my limit) and the youngest I’ll go is a year

nice arms or stomach: I don’t have a preference

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever

kissed a stranger: nope

drunk hard liquor: yup that’s the only alcohol I drink

lost glasses: Nope

turned someone down: yes

sex on first date: I’ve never done that but idk it depends

broken someone’s heart: I think so

had your heart broken: alot actually

been arrested: nope

cried when someone died: Yea

fallen for a friend: yup, its either the best or the worst

do you believe in

yourself: about half the time

miracles: yea

love at first sight: possibly 

santa claus: nope

kiss on a first date: yea

angels: yes

others

best friend’s name: Brian, Andrew, Sungjin, Jinwoo, Mitchell, Kayah, and Tyler

eye color: brown

fave movie: any studio ghibli movies

fave actors: Seo Kang Joon 

I’m gonna tag @hearttoshu @cheollielesbian @oppa-ya @bloomingfantasy of course you none of you have to do it if you don’t want to :)

[taylorishwift]

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🌟🌟 I was screaming, “long live all the magic we made” and bring on all the pretenders. One day we will be remembered.. 🌟🌟 • I was getting ready around 11am, tried to livestream here, on my personal and my fb but no one watching 😂😂 So I decided not to do live and just finish my make up and everything, so we can leave 😊 Little did I know TN already DM me, but I didn’t saw it immediately. So when we’re about to leave around 2pm, I was preparing all the stuff I’ll bring.. I GOT A NOTIF FROM TN HERE* so I thought it was a notif like they posted something* but when I checked it, & saw those words again, it was a DM! I started screaming, crying, jumping, walking around our house 😭😭😭😭❤❤❤ GAHD I STILL REMEMBER THE FEELING 😭❤😭😭😭* I replied to them ASAP, got a call then we leave (2pm). I was so excited in the car and smiling big otw to the venue 😍💕💖💕💘❤😍❤ And when we’re at the venue I told my friend about it bc she’s my +1 ❤❤❤ I got there almost 4pm so we need to find the will call where TN instructed us to go. We found it and as soon as I saw @iminthegetawaycar there I knew she got DM too 😊❤ And when we’re in the line, saw @evswiftie, her mom, @g0ldcage and @enchantedwildestdreamsblog in the will call, I was like omg they got DM too and I go there and we hugged 😭❤😭❤❤❤ and when we got inside, we asked the staff about it (green paper) blah blah blah and we still got 45/30mins before 6pm, so we checked our seats, fixed ourselves and we line up in one side & someone from T’s team met us there and gave us the m&g bracelet. And we’re all excited, nervous, vv happy, crying & all 😭❤😭❤😭🎉🌟🎉😭 AND WE ENTERED REP ROOM (we’re not allowed to bring phone so yeah 😔👍) LINE UP THERE, I thought we can still go back after we met Taylor but naaah haha I wanted to eat and drink something lol 😂😂😂 AND YAAAS WE MET TAYLOR 😭❤😭❤😭❤😭 IT WAS SO FAST BUT OMGGG THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE 😭❤❤❤❤🎉💖✨🌟🎆 WE STARTED CRYING SO MUCH AFTER 😭❤😭❤😭 I WAS LIKE IS IT REAL OR- 😭😭😭😭❤❤❤🌟🌟✨🎆 STARTED HUGGING EACH OTHER 😭❤❤❤❤💕💖💘💖❤ THEN I SENT A PHOTO TO MY MOM AND CALLED/MESSAGE MY BESTFRIENDS 😭😭😭😭❤😭❤❤❤❤✨🎆✨🎆 • #repTourSeattle @taylorswift @taylornation