#/ -points- my space child

[furiousgoldfish]

While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

 Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

[what-are-even-humans]

Anyone got any recs for actual play dnd (or other ttrpg) podcast thats actually intended to be audio based and not "Visual but we turned the audio into a podcast"??

[samarecharm]

Love being able to write. I can do whatever i want. I can make Ryuji interact w Lala-chan and u literally cant stop me.

[tiny-merkitty]

"impure regression" it's therapy, impurity came free with your xbox

[solarisgod]

Important portrayal notes + reminders / blog changes

This blog will function more as a multimuse blog for the Starwake System as a whole ( Micah, Philos, Phoebus, Phobos, Aphisto, and Cryael ). It has been nine months since Micah was the primary focused muse, and after three seasons in with the developments of Micah coming to terms with xyr DID and seeing xyr starmates as vital parts of xemself and xyr life, we decide it's time to have this blog be a space for the other main Starwakers to emphasize their plurality and its importance while including the other alters into the narrative more, roleplay and series wise. While we will now always specify to you which Starwaker for starters / prompts, it's optional for you to specify, but ultimately, you don't have to as we can choose which Starwaker fits best with the character and / or scenario. Please do note when plotting, Philos, Phoebus, and Phobos have to be involved with Micah at some point for easier interactions for both parties.

From this point onward while Micah is re-figuring out xyr identity and learning xyr origin more in season four, Micah will be using xe / it / they pronouns, in that order of preference. We understand not everyone is familiar with neopronouns and are not used to using them, as well as it takes time to get used to switching different main pronouns, but we most politely ask to please try to make the effort in using xe / xyr / xem pronouns with xem more often, in and out of character. They / them are fine to be used often as both singular and plural pronouns, but if we directly ask to use xyr neopronouns more often and are ignored, it's simply a hardblock.

it's now been confirmed that Micah is the child of the incarnations / embodiments of Sun and Moon themselves, with the Earth likely being xyr third parent to xyr view, Astrifer / Stellaris Cry being xyr real name. This is a gentle reminder that Micah is an extremely powerful character due to xyr antigodeus status and celestial connections. Micah is very much capable of injuring or killing if xyr rage gets to xem, so we expect no infantilization with Micah while any in character mistreatment towards xem will face retaliation.

The Starwake System's right arm is still temporarily paralyzed since the end of November while they have flowers growing out of their bite punctures Warlock was responsible of. It will likely be fully recovered either in the middle or end of January. If your muse is close to them, they are very much welcome to be aware of it without our permission, but Micah or any other Starwakers will only mention they got injured from work, yet will be fully recovered soon.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

@cosmicallyavg okay sorry if you didnt want me to respond but the autism won today and i thought abt nothing but this for like 3 hours so

i think the doctor knows yaz has done/will do the same morally questionable things as her if it becomes necessary? because for her to be self aware about herself, and then also aware of yaz becoming her in a way. she has to assume that its a possibility. and asking her to hold the master at gunpoint is her testing that theory i think. because yaz very well could have straight up not done it but in the end, shes her equal, she admires her (and wants to impress her lets be real), and she has a duty of care. she knows/assumes how dangerous the master is and doesnt want anything to happen to Her doctor if she can help it. theres no use being squeamish weve got the doctor to save.

i hadnt thought of that angle but the doctor consciously sort of testing how much yaz will indeed do exactly as she herself would, and guessing right on that front is so interesting. i was reading 13s comics yesterday and she did it multiple times there too, like delegating to yaz for llittle minidoctor tasks like occupying herself with a victim like she does in witchfinders with willa too, and like just literally going "yaz, go play police at those aliens" (i said "be police" first but 1 no jurisdiction, and 2 for the doctor 'be' and 'play' are the same thing)

and when she gets yaz that gun, it's so interesting bc to me at least it feels like simultaneously theres the power dynamic of doctor-companion where yaz is definitely a step lower like shes not in charge here (compared to later with vinder) but what the doctor uses that power she has to do is to like place some of it in yaz if that makes sense? she's using yaz as a proxy of herself, which sounds bad but i think thats what shes doing?

like guns for the doctor are this visual sign that theyre going against their own principles right? it's not really the violence of guns that the doctor protests bc theyre plenty violent, but it's a visual representation of their principles right? we see this with 10 when he wont take wilfs gun against the master but when he hears timelords are coming he does. 13 being willing to use a gun on the master means shes willing to break her own rules to deal with him (which the doctor always kinda is with them thats part of the problem but i dont think it's in the "i forgive you one more time even though i shouldnt way" this time)

but also! she doesnt touch the gun herself. she orders a soldier thats at her command (actively breaking her own rules) to give it to yaz. ace talks abt this i believe in at childhoods end, to yaz. that like, the doctor is not opposed to violence but they will keep their own hands clean if they can. as opposed to 10 who picked up the gun himself, 13 lets yaz do it. and then later, bc of course the doctor cant shoot people, yaz lets vinder be the one to actually shoot the master. 

so 13 is outsourcing her principle breaking wrt the master to yaz, but i think shes aware of it. it's not like letting yaz handle the gun is eschewing her own responsibility, i think she doubles her feeling of responsibility, bc not only is she breaking her own rules, shes making yaz break them too (clara voice: and now youve made me lie! youve made me your accomplice!) which is why it feels so simultaneously like equal and unequal, yaz is both doctor and companion in potd.

(short detour abt what you said abt "theres no use being squeamish weve got the doctor to save" like yeah thats exactly it. i wrote a fic where yaz shoots the master and the doctor is like Why The Fuck Did You Do That bc while she expected yaz to take the gun (bc she would), she didnt expect her to shoot (bc she wouldnt), but that then maybe reveals a sort of distorted image she has of both herself and yaz. bc yaz did shoot, which means the doctor would shoot even if shes so dedicated to the image of herself as The Doctor that she might not realise that she would. and it reveals an underestimation of yazs feelings for her, and her sense of duty, and how far she will go, has gone, to try and save the doctor. the master is a threat, so she shoots (im thinking again of clara and 8x12 where 12 literally offers to shoot missy to protect clara('s immortal soul))

and abt that equality, like, there was this photoset i saw last week of bts stuff from s11 i think? chibnall talking abt the first meeting in the train. which was basically just like that post i made ythat you linked except chibnall was talking abt it from 13s perspective, which i hadnt considered dkdjdjdh

i saw your tags when you reblogged that post and i thought abt them for a bit but didnt respond bc i dont think i entirely agree? theres a definite, like, respect and i think recognition on the doctors side of things when they first meet and she does the thing i wrote abt in that post where she like listens to yaz and then presents her own plan and this first listening to yaz probably fixed a problem they might have had if she had just forcefully tried to push yaz out of the authority position she was in there as a police among civilians, where yaz might have fought for the leadership position the entire rest of the night and maybe rest of their time together (not that thats not also a fun version of events to think about) 

anyway to get back to the point, yes theres that respect, and the doctor uses yaz for her skills since the beginnig, but i dont really agree that it's equal necessarily. the power difference is too big and too easily leveraged by 13 for me to call it equal

when it comes to doctor-companion power dynamics the first thing i always think about is the tardis, because it's this really concrete and undeniable representation of that power right? you need this ship and you need this pilot or you are most likely never going home again. thats just like a fact at the foundation of most doctor-companion relationships (excluding companions who have their own means of transport or could fly the tardis maybe like river or romana). im not saying thats on purpose or the doctor likes it, im just saying when youre stranded on an alien planet and theres one person who is capable of making sure you dont die, doug eiffel voice: really really far away from home, then youre not gonna do anything that person doesnt want you to do. or at least youre gonna be hesitant to

so following the big bluish money (tardis), i think the real equality between them finally only really arrives

here. in their last scene together. where the doctor can say "you know what this means right?" bc yaz already does despite still not being told anything, and yaz can say "lets not say goodbye" bc the doctor is not good at goodbyes and the doctor is both of them

thats what really appeals to me abt writing them post-potd everybody lives happily ever after au, this partnership that we only ever got to see glimpses of. in a version of events where 13 lived after this, we could see what that partnership really would have looked like

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Oh my gods just had my going away party at the pub and we had it in a special event room and it was all done up like Jesus’s last supper

I sat in the middle with a crown on and broke a roll of bread and spread it around and then I was showered in gifts and they even “borrowed” a podium from a church with holy water on it, but it was polluted river water instead (a staple of the town)

I have no idea what the fuck just happened but it was glorious, we all drank, I felt like Joffrey Baratheon in my golden crown and we took a final photo posed as the Last Supper

[saintbobtail]

Ok I get that the Visual Shots™️ and the Music™️ are framing Lady Prospera as the Villain™️ but like…I kinda get her

[ehlnofay]

in the midst of a little depressive episode at the moment I fear and it's causing me to Ponder... in a weird way I'm almost grateful. like this is UNBELIEVABLY better than it used to be, even as much as it sucks in the moment. I wish I could go back to find myself at twelve years old hiding out in the school toilets and tell them that as long as we stick it out for long enough then one day the outsize bad emotions will be triggered by actual definable events and they'll be a noticeable change from our baseline. I'm not ✨recovered✨ and I don't know if I ever will be - I think I might have spent too many developmental years creating terrible patterns and associations to be able to straighten it all out - but it's Better and I'm able to know that it can continue to get better, too. and that's fucking huge.

[little-pondhead]

I feel like as a child I was Strange and Unsettling Enough ™ that my mother had suspicions about how weird I was, but I was her first kid so she just chalked it all up to Normal Child Behavior ™ every time I did something new.

Now we’re both realizing I was just really fucking weird.

[spaghetticat3899]

Me trying not to spam too much of the same subject but then coming across a sea of year old memes I think are funny.

This is the curse of discovering a show after the memes and hype passed on September of last year. I get all the jokes now, but at what cost.

[fangomango]

Reading a book about the autism spectrum and like

God I have never related to a book more

Like this guy loovesss door locks and when he's talking to someone it's more of a "speaking at them" rather then with them and he's mostly talking about door locks...

Dude....

Me too

[medicinemane]

"Whoever made this was doing so many drugs"

"This is going to give me nightmares"

You are like baby, you lack any kind of imagination, you are apparently being terrified by a Betty Boop cartoon

Like please don't be such a weenie

[agayconcept]

.

[enigmatic-enigmas]

this is going to be the only thing ill be talking about for the next billion years

[potatoesandsunshine]

thinking about my clone wars au that would be so fun to write but the thing is like... i see ahsoka and perpetually think "that is a child." she will always be fourteen to me. i want to keep her out of peril not put her into it