#// this is very stream of consciousness bc idk how else to write BUT-

[tomorrowillbeyou]

Have you read geoffs book yet? Ur my only thursday mutual (or person I follow idk if we're actually mutuals) and I desperately need to discuss how good the book was with someone else lmao 🙏

YESSSSS i have i thought it was really good!!! idk why i didn't post a lot about it on here i think reading is quite personal to me in like a different way so i don't stream of consciousness liveblog it like literally everything else .. i found it to be one of those books where ur reading a random passage and suddenly a whole running theme slots into place and u like shout out OMG YESS!!! this happened to me multiple times throughout reading it... also i forgot i was reading "geoff ricklys book" a lot of the time and just got invested in it as like a random book i was reading which is good bc i was worried i would kind of get distracted by that??? but at the same time i could still see the links i mean obviously to his life bc of the whole autofiction deal but also definitely to like a lot of thursday lyrics and other pieces of his writing that i have read which is super cool i love when stuff is cohesive like that.. whether intentional or not (<- just read that back that dounds weird like obviously i trust him to intentionally use motifs and such because he has a brain but like i think some of that can be subconscious too basically)... especially the whole generation loss business which ive been like really obsessed with for months so it was truly a huge day for annoying people when that all came up. also yea just the writing was gongeous... i was like trying soo hard not to cry at bits of it like it really touched me emotionally .. i mean this all very truly and not just because i live in geoffs ass like if it was rubbish i would say so i genuinely really loved it.... also this very vivid sense of like lighting and glow and like bursts of light and sparkle and stuff throughout was really like... idk i loved that i felt that sort of light sensation in my eyes very strongly almost. i read the start of it and then got busy for a bit and then read the rest in literally 1 day when i usually take like a month to read a book lol. im not very good at talking about books and kind of dont know a lot about how they work so sorry if this is really scattered and kind of silly <3 tldr yes i read it and i liked it a lot :]

[dnawield--a]

@builtperil​ asked: “ ;;  he he he he u make ben too STUPID. ( * is someone who never watched ben 10 * ) -- BUT since I'm here, please indulge for us why he's like that? :eyes: (( g-genuinely I promise, I'd love 2 hear your thoughts )) “

‘CAUSE HE’S STUPID AND FERAL AND THAT’S IT

Nah I’m kidding. Ben isn’t actually stupid despite how much I call him most variations of the word. Ben has shown time and time again throughout the series that he IS very clever, and to a certain extent, he IS good in school. His worst class is physics and he still manages a B in that class, which really does say a lot about when he CAN actually focus on studying (another reason why he adored Julie- she was super smart and helped him with studying and was sooooo patient with him).

At the end of the day, there’s a list of reasons why Ben does some of the things he does. The shit posty stuff isn’t actually shit post- he’s got Pica. Ben eats weird things, but they are weird things that don’t bother his sensitivity to taste and texture. The things he eats that stem from him having Pica are dirt and paper. I think there was a third thing, but I don’t remember TBH! Dirt and paper aren’t textures that make him go, “bad! bad!!! bad bad bad!!!” which is why he also enjoys eating it. Not really for the taste- sometimes he just. Had to eat dirt. It’s an overwhelming need, and he’s aware of how weird it looks, but he’s just,”I do Not care. I NEED to eat this dirt right now or I will die.”

This also devolves into him and his smoothy tastes. I forgot where I read it or remembered it from, but he doesn’t drink the same smoothy twice. At least, not in the same day. It has to be a different flavor if he’s having his second or eleventh. There’s no reason for this that’s stated as far as I know, but since I headcanon as ADHD (and since I am also ADHD and have this obnoxious trait), he purposely does this ‘cause of some dumb shit he’s done in the past with foods that he liked. Pretty much, if he REALLY wants to eat one thing, he will eat the same thing with nothing else until he just is on the verge of puking if he has to be near it. This only pertains to certain flavors rather than food though. There’s certain smoothy flavors he can’t go near anymore ‘cause he drank so many for an extended period of time that the very SMELL of them make him nauseous. Gwen and Kevin hate his weird smoothy flavor options, but he doesn’t feel like explaining that the mango smoothies they wanted make him want to vomit the second the small gets to his nose, so if they wanted normal smoothies, they should’ve bought it.

Then there’s just his. Chaotic nature. I’ll be real, his chaotic tendency didn’t stem too much into left field until Omnive/rse. Could be due to character regression ‘cause the writing with him was a lil all over the place (though also I got my own beef with UA Ben but that’s another field I won’t go into until my rewatch of UA which I am absolutely putting off for MANY reasons aside from the three episodes i went back to watch SOLELY cause I remember them being good and not making me outright visceral and angry), but honestly, he’s just. Tired. All of AF he was fighting aliens and having to be quiet about the matter. Then some tween blew his secret and now the entire cosmos just STARES at him and critiques everything he does. When he’s trying to be a good hero, he’s criticized. When he’s show boating, he’s criticized (which is fine but like it’s just another moment on the list). When he’s trying to help multiple people at once and they are handled a teeny bit rough ‘cause he’s literally trying to get several people out of a burning building that the fire department is DESPERATELY trying to put out faster, he’s criticized. When he’s just being a normal teenager,  he’s criticized. When he dares to be a teenager that has a powerful device attached to his wrist, he’s blasted on a major broadcasting channel and screamed about how he can’t be trusted and how he’s a true menace and will betray everyone.

He doesn’t let it show, but after a while, some people DO just go too far and he’s just. Unable to care anymore. Fine. Which is why he’s all over the place with how he reacts to things. Sometimes he takes a very serious approach to it because at the moment, he doesn’t feel like it’s appropriate to be snarky. Other times, his own coping mechanism kicks in and he HAS to make extremely inappropriate quips, jokes, or banter. And then other times, he goes only on instinct and makes very dangerous decisions that FEEL right (and in the long run, do end well, but usually at the cost of whatever sense of self preservation).

There’s also the nagging sensation of, y’know, the entire Universe he is in being a copy he had to make because he was too late to save his original Universe. There’s the constant feeling that it literally doesn’t matter what he does because he ALREADY failed the first time. He’s wondering, “Wait did I die twice or did I forget to remake that part of the Universe?” because the change of the smoothies seem different to him (which in fact they ARE the same, but his brain refuses to accept he, a human by default, managed to recreate an entire fucking Universe), he can’t just...forget this isn’t his original Universe, and he genuinely hopes one day it WILL taste the same. Though he’s also scared of that ‘cause then he’s going to be like, “wait no I can’t forget the old Universe. Those were my original friends. These guys are all copies. What if I changed something that’s gonna change their whole future? what if-” and he’s just. Constantly racing with a lot of ‘what if’ questions, and it does actually stress him out to the max. However, since the last thing he wants is for the media to know he does, in fact, feel anxiety ‘cause then his critics are gonna use that against him, and while he fucks around with Harangue, it has taken a toll.

So, his logic behind behind so feral and chaotic is literally: “Okay, but like, I WILL be chaotic all the time so you become SO USED to me being chaotic that you will get tired of it and just accept it as the norm! Which works for me ‘cause I do Not know how to cope with my trauma in a less destructive way, so therefore, I am forever the helpful menace to society because I am stressed 25/7 but since I have no more privacy unless I actively FIGHT for it, I literally don’t get to cope and I don’t even know how to because I have not yet accepted my entire summer when I was ten has left me very messed up in the head and I genuinely think what happened that summer was the best thing to have happened to me. Also I haven’t slept i 12 days and I’ve been able to hear time and it’s very stressful.”

[kjscottwrites]

hiya, i am very interested in outlining techniques/habits. would you be willing to do a whole post about yours?

Sure! I love outlining and talking about outlining so bless u and sorry for this rambling in advance. Let me get into it with the caveat that by no means is this an instructional, I have zero professional experience, this is just the way I do it, and everything I learned I learned from ... fuckin film school lmao so it's unlikely to be optimized for writing novels anyway.

ANYWAY - I'll break it down into steps:

Step 1: The Dump

I always start with something loose and improvisational I'll call it a "scratch" or a "dump" outline, pretty much no rules with this one. Sometimes it'll be a free-write in a word document, sometimes a structured outline, sometimes just word bubbles and a bunch of bs scribbles on a piece of notebook paper. Whatever.

This is always focused on just the initial idea. I typically avoid granular character details like names and appearances and personalities at this point - I stick to general utilitarian figures, the bare minimum I need to move them through the story. Emotional arcs and defining traits and backgrounds come later - this way I can make each character weave seamlessly into the narrative, vs trying to make the narrative mold to a bunch of misc. preset characters.

At this point, my MAIN goal is to nail down three key things:

A) What's the central dramatic question?

B) What are the stakes?

C) What are the messages/themes I want to touch on?

For Cavernous specifically (and for a lot of my other projects) I used the snowflake method as a jumping off point. I'll start with a couple of sentences, expand that rough logline into a 2-3 paragraph summary, then expand that summary out into something between 2k-10k words that maps onto a rough beginning, middle, end. (I personally try to avoid strict 3-act structure, save the cat, heroes journey etc. but if these help you, use them!) If I'm not sure about a certain part of the story at this point, I just skip it and put in a placeholder like "and then something bad happens and they..." The point is making a vessel for the story, not necessarily filling that vessel.

ANYWAY this is getting long so I'll put the rest of the steps under the cut:

Step 2: The Actual™ Outline

Were I working on a screenplay, this part would be "breaking the story" but idk if y'all call it that for novels. Basically I expand things out into a more formal/traditional outline slash treatment, like probably between 8k-15k words? This is an action-to-action synopsis, broken up chapter-by-chapter (or scene-by-scene for a screenplay) without skipping anything. If there's unknowns, plot holes, or other problems, this is where I fix them.

My rule of thumb for outlines is mainly just "describe it on the page EXACTLY how you'd describe it to your friend who asked you what the scene was about." Hit only the important stuff, keep it informal/conversational, do NOT worry about specificity and good prose. Sometimes I put memes or emojis in these, it's like. Whatever captures it in the absolute easiest way.

I use bullet points: A) whenever I'm not sure what order I want things to play out in. This is especially useful for worldbuilding/exposition heavy scenes where I want a defined set of information to get doled out organically in the drafting. B) When a scene is complicated/action-packed/has multiple side by side storylines.

I use stream-of-consciousness paragraphs for pretty much everything else. Here's a little sample of the Cavernous outline for reference. This is pretty much how my outlines are gonna read on any type of project:

I'll also do a lot of character work in this step! Which i won't talk about a ton bc this is already long and that's a WHOLE topic on its own - basically this stuff:

(also making a lot of picrews like, so many fucking picrews)

If there's multiple parallel storylines, I decide at this point exactly what order they go in and how they're paced out. Logically you should write your A Line, B Line and C Line separately and weave them together after the fact, but for some reason I basically never do that - working strictly chronologically makes more sense to me. Why? Because I am smooth brained. I don't recommend it, it's a hassle. ANYWAY color coding for multiple storylines is *essential* either way. Cavernous has just an A and B line in the first half, and a diverging C line in the second half which re-merges with the B line by the end. I plan on having the second book structured similarly!

The other thing I do during this step is some of the more utilitarian stuff - I make decisions about format, perspective and tense, wordcount goals, target demo etc.

MOST importantly I lock in my logline and elevator pitch at this step. I know that if I'm struggling to write either of these successfully, something is amiss in the foundation of the story and I have to go back and find it and fix it (or chose to cut my loses and move on to a new project, even) before I ever start drafting.

Step 3: Being inconvenienced Usually this is where I start drafting until I start to get forgetful and sick of referencing back to my wordy-ass outline

Step 4: Making a technical outline to fix step 3

I'm not really sure you could call it an outline? Actually no, yeah I'd call it a beat sheet. It's an easily edited quick-reference version of the Actual™ Outline. Anyway I gave an example of the one for cavernous here - so I'll share a bit from a different project:

Some of these points are expanded for a bit of clarity but some of them are just shorthand - this isn't necessarily decipherable to a reader, but *I* know what "Lundis receives a sign" means and as long as I have it in this simplified structure I can easily rearrange and move that D line scene up so that it falls just after the titles if I want, for instance.

I typically force myself to stay on track, but IF shit starts going off the rails in the drafting stage in a way that I like, I always stop, go back, adjust the outline(s) accordingly, make sure everything still works, and then go back to drafting. Because I deadass can't write without a roadmap. I become completely helpless and grind to a halt.

So yeah. Maybe all this will be helpful to someone? Maybe it's not. My biggest piece of advice for anyone looking to hone their outlining/structure/planning skills is take 👏 a 👏screenwriting 👏 course 👏because even if you have zero interest or intention to do screenwriting, the discipline is SO technical and SO different and it'll at WORST offer a new perspective. That's my soapbox. Okay love u bye

[thekidsarentalright]

Hey wanna share your thoughts on I've Got A Dark Alley from futct?

ooo boy okay, yes i would love to share my thoughts on i've got a dark alley. i have many thoughts on this song, as it destroys me emotionally and i relate to it a concerning amount! (TW: suicide is discussed in this, stay safe <3 as always, i don't love looking at songs from the perspective as the artist because that feels kinda invasive idk so i look at them from a story/fictional perspective, but this is an exception bc dark alley is SO personal to pete and also me lmaooo... analysis under the read more <3)

So... I’ve got a dark alley is almost undeniably about Pete's suicide attempt, or at least his general mood/emotional state around the time of it. It opens with “Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends" / We're the kids who feel like dead ends / And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses / I took a shot and didn't even come close”, which is like A Lot to sift through but in general this verse is making a simile between being told something (a joke, if you wanna take it literally) awful and emotionally difficult to hear/feel and kisses shared ‘jokingly’ between ‘best friends’... clearly, pete here does not just view this person as a friend, but something leads me to believe the other does... a first devastating thing for him listed in this song.  ‘We’re the kids who feel like dead ends’, Pete is identifying himself as part of this group, part of a group of ‘kids’ who feel like they’ve hit a wall, they have no where left to go, and no potential in themselves to make it better. One could argue fob makes music for kids who feel like this (they do) and Pete is signaling that he understand how that feels, because he IS a kid who feels like a dead end. “And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses / I took a shot and didn't even come close / At trust and love and hope / And the poets are just kids who didn't make it / And never had it all” are all the same thought stream all going towards that he doesn’t want to be known for his shortcomings, for things people view he’s done bad or wrong, he doesn’t wanna be known as a kid who feels like a dead end... i believe the next line is saying he took a ‘shot’ at trying to become known for more than that (one could say his suicide attempt was this shot, it very well could be, or just... any attempt Pete made at making himself more likable back then) but didn’t come close to, he didn’t come close to gaining trust, love, or hope in a metaphorical sense but also in the sense that in his shot, trust love and hope were what he was putting at risk with the hope he’d come out the other side better- happier- but it didn’t work. The next lyrics go on to him sort of identifying himself as ‘a kid who didn’t make it, and never had it all’, because i feel its safe to say Pete is a poet and is aware of this, and identified himself as a ‘kid’ in the past so- Pete is saying he took this shot a trust, love, and hope but fell short, and was once again being a hopeless poet who didn’t make it and never had any of that in the first place. The chorus continues to stream of consciousness type writing the first verse and pre-chorus had, with the repetition of ‘and’ showing that these are all thoughts coming at him in rapid succession, burying him in them, I believe. The lyrics echo this too- the ‘record’ (life) won’t stop skipping, won’t stop moving and going forward and lies won’t slipping from him (makes me think of people lying about being okay when they’re not) And while everything is falling apart for him, his reputation is on the line too. So, he can’t be visibly going through this, he can’t be depressed, he can’t be suicidal, he can’t be bipolar and have all those things known because it’s all so stigmatized- and his career is just starting off. It would ruin his reputation. So, Pete fakes it, forces smiles even though he feels dead inside because he can’t stop comparing himself to everybody else around him as his life falls apart. “Please put the doctor on the phone, 'cause I'm not making any sense / Blame everyone but me for this mess / And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart / We never seemed so far” is the second verse, discussing (perhaps obviously) that Pete feels he has truly gone off the deep end, he needs a doctor/therapist (this line reminds me of that one lyric from disloyal order) to come help him because he’s gone (genius annotations say this is directly about his suicide attempt, and i suppose it very much could be, but the meaning is the same either way). However, he’s putting responsibility for going off the deep end on everybody else, as he seems to feel wronged by the world, society, etc. for letting him become so isolated, so depressed, for the stigma around mental illness.  ‘And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart’ is saying that Pete’s heart feels so heavy from all of the above, again, the isolation, the stigma, the pressure on seeming happy when he isn’t, the way life is going by so fast even when he’s frozen... it’s destroying him, breaking his back, even. It’s no way to live, needless to say.

“I'm hopelessly hopeful / You're just hopeless enough / But we never had it, at all” is a call back to the last pre-chorus with the ‘never had it all’ part in common. I feel this is the only part of this song possibly about romance, possibly saying that he hopes (hopelessly, at least he’s self-aware) whomever he’s talking to is as hopeless as he feels so they can be miserable together, but he recognizes that they never would work together (perhaps because the counterpart isn’t as hopeless as he is? or because he took a shot at love and didn’t come close to it?). After this, the chorus repeats and reinforces what I stated before about it- life is coming at him so fast against his consent, he keeps lying about things, but his reputation is on the line so he has to lie and life has to keep going because he can’t not be okay- he has to be okay. 

Overall, this song is like seriously depressing. Their most emotionally vulnerable, depressing fob song to date, I’d argue. Pete himself has said they’ll never play it live because it’s so personal, which is understandable- he reveals it all, he reveals how he feels so hopeless and lost, how society and fame is putting pressure on him to seem okay when he isn’t, possibly how ending it all would make it all just go away and give him what he seems to truly want- to be known for the good things he’s done, for the ‘hits’ he’s written, he wants love and trust and hope from someone special, sure, but more importantly from the world. I’m happy it seems he’s got all of that now.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

uh

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz

[drunkjaked]

i just read a bunch of your stuff back to back and you use stream of consciousness so well can you give any tips on it

aghh this is so sweet thank you 💕💕💕 but unfortunately the SOC thing isn't intentional, i didn't even know what it was until someone else said one of my fics had it.. well i know what stream of consciousness is but not in a literary sense - i did look into it after that feedback but not very much

the only thing i can say about the way i write is that if i think something is unnecessary i take it out (9 times out of 10)

like for example if 2 characters were talking on a couch in someone's living room and then move their conversation outside, i'm not going to write about the journey from the couch to the garden unless something happens during it that's important to the story.. if i wrote something like .. (under the cut bc i waffle sm)

Jay's been inching closer and closer, though she only notices when his knee knocks softly into hers. And maybe it's the way he lets his arm rest on her shoulders, or the fact he's close enough that she can smell the vodka on his breath when he speaks, but YN needs air.

And she needs it now.

The September chill is unkind on her face when it hits her, though - ever cool - Jay is unfazed, taking to the fresh air with a grin on his face, sitting on the half wall in Sunghoon's garden.

(im sorry if this is bad i just kind of wrote what came to mind) so even though i didn't explicitly state that they went outside, i made it clear that YN wants to be outside and opened the next paragraph in such a way that shows you that they're now outside without having to talk about how they got there, if something had happened on the way there then i for sure would have mentioned it but this indicates that nothing of note took place between them leaving the couch and stepping outside..

i hope this makes sense, because im reading over this like ??? what r u talking about but yeah idk.. if anything i'd say i take inspiration more from film than literary technique or anything of the sort.. there's this one director edgar wright (scott pilgrim vs the world, shaun of the dead..) and his stuff is all really choppy and jumps around and i love that style so much that it's seeped into my writing.. gahh i really hope this makes sense

if u or anyone else has any SOC book recs then i would love to check those out to get more familiarity and make even better fics for u all to read !!

thank u again <333

[notveryglittery]

so @/dysaniadisorder​ posted this really cute zoom moxiety art and then i posted some selfies in a discord server and the reactions from that + this moxiety art got me feeling even more Fluffy than usual so here’s a very rambly au that i stream of consciousness wrote in half an hour lol 

idk about anyone else, but i had a pen pal through english class in middle school for a little while. so what if, patton and virgil meeting through being pen pals. patton's letters are as bubbly as his stories, he includes stickers on the pages and the envelope, and uses *so many* exclamation marks. virgil meanwhile, tends to write very little and mostly just in reaction to whatever patton said. because sure, the letters are sent to the school and they've been told not to give away personal information, but y'know... Just In Case.

except for one towards the end of the program, when patton really doesn't want to lose contact with virgil, so he shares his instagram. and he says no pressure of course i dont even know if you have an instagram but here it is if you ever wanna try to keep talking. and bc roman's his best friend, of course virgil has instagram (ugh). so of course he checks patton's profile. and oh *no* he's as cute as his bubbly handwriting and his stories and stickers and exclamation marks

virgil's never really mentioned this whole pen pal thing to roman, because roman's english teacher did not sign her class up for it and he knows roman would be jealous. but he made the mistake of checking patton's profile in roman's presence and if anyone's going to notice a Gay Panic™, it's roman

so of course roman grills virgil and virgil caves bc like what?? else is he gonna do?? but anyway, roman hits the follow button for virgil but then virgil throws his phone across the room and breaks it so can we get an f in the chat

meanwhile patton's studying with his step-brother logan when he gets a little chime from his phone and? oh a new instagram follow that's neat, who's [insert cool username for virgil]? except of course virgil's profile is private so patton has to follow back to see any photos. except virgil's phone is busted! bummer

cue virgil not getting a new phone for a week or two bc idk he's in trouble for breaking the old one to begin with and by the time he finally does get a new one, he totally spaces on installing instagram. so it's like a month and a half later when roman asks him why the heck he hasn't been liking roman's pictures that virgil remembers. and then he also remembers patton. *oh god patton* how could he ever forget, he is a fool, and patton probably hates him now, or he must be super worried, bc the pen pal program is over so they havent been writing and then he just disappeared off the face of the planet which?? well patton should have expected it a little because he did say it would be okay if virgil didnt want to keep in contact but *oh god patton*

virgil installs instagram and finds patton's follow request (and like 32 comments from roman demanding that virgil like his photos what kind of best friend is he smh)

and he accepts it 

and then while he's still riding his bravery high, he messages patton "hey it's virgil" and then Very Calmly sets his phone down before screaming into a pillow

meanwhile patton's busy cheering logan on at his swim meet but this does mean that he's posting all sorts of encouraging cheesy stuff to his story which means virgil is already getting a sneak peak into patton's life and wait oh my GOD is that his voice???????

virgil is very gay and he is having a Time

anyway patton also almost breaks his phone when he sees the follow request approved *and* the message!!! because lowkey , he considers virgil a pretty close friend!! he vented in some of those pen pal letters! said some things he couldn't bring himself to say to anyone else. and virgil was always so patient and kind and reminded him of all the good things to help and balance out the bad things.

so y'know, fast forward thru lots of instagram interactions. messaging each other late into the night. virgil always liking patton's photos and leaving a single "💜" comment on every one. they talk about roman - and how he's virgil's best friend and he may be dramatic and loud but he's reliable and genuine - and they talk about logan - and how patton wouldn't know anywhere near as much as he does w/out him and how they have sleepovers in the basement every saturday.

and fast forward to moving on from instagram to discord, and joining servers of fandoms they're both in. making a server for themselves + roman + logan (and *oh boy,* introducing roman and logan). sending silly memes and posts that "made me think of you", late night texting that ends with one sending the final “i guess you fell asleep, sweet dreams <3″ message, and the other sending the “oops i did, good morning <3″ message in return 

and sure, roman might post pictures on instagram of himself and virgil, but virgil's always half-in half-out of frame or he's blurry or he's looking away. and so one day, he posts a selfie in their friend server because he's just got his hair dyed purple and he's *so excited* and patton. patton didnt even have time to prepare can we get an f in the chat

there are a LOT of keysmashes and hearts lol

roman is still laughing by the time patton manages to calm down. patton sort of flat out demands for a group video call aljsdf

logan and roman, all this time obviously because they can't be out done, have already had plenty of personal voice and video calls themselves. sometimes it's just to help roman run lines or help logan study for a test. but they have been on the receiving end of patton and virgil gushing about their respective crushes so they're in full support of this tbh

so they set up a group video call that night, roman and logan like immediately muting themselves bc let's be real we all know the real reason behind this. patton is gushing about virgil and virgil's hair like, right off the bat, and virgil is slowly but surely disappearing into his hoodie and the lighting in his room isn't very good, but gosh patton is *melting* and then

and THEN

patton pauses to finally drink out of his cooling hot cocoa and virgil takes the opportunity to clear his throat and sit up a little out of his hoodie cocoon and says thank you

and y'all we thought virgil was all Gay Panic™ when he saw patton's face in photos for the first time? and then he broke his phone when roman followed patton for him?

patton does a spit take and chokes on his hot cocoa and kind of maybe shorts out his laptop ajsdkjhsf

because we gotta go full circle baby

roman disappears from view on his camera because he just rolled off the bed he's laughing so hard

you know logan definitely anticipated this, so he's been on best buy's website this whole time, ready to find laptops on sale / schedule an appointment to get patton's laptop fixed

and uuuhhhh yeah :) pen pals to friends to lovers long distance moxiety, with background probably-qpr logince because that's the Vibe i'm getting. with bonus best friends prinxiety and familial logicality!! thanks for reading :D 

[jasperwhitcock]

Favorite Twilight blogs?

i’m always ready to answer this ask again because i love mentioning everyone i admire hehe. here are my fave blogs, my friends, & why they’re the best. ♡

@bellasredchevy ugh i love kae. do i have the power to appoint a ruler of the renaissance? no. but if i could... it’d be kae bc all her takes are the takes. i think her answers to asks are always either really funny and witty or just really smart. she’s super kind but she’s also a very no bullshit person because she’ll tell it like it is to shitty anons. she also has really cool life experiences that she’ll very casually mention and you’re like i’m sorry what. u worked w... tigers??? why can’t i let that go this is literally not the first time i’ve brought that up lmao. anyways, if kae told me to jump off a cliff (recreationally and recklessly), i’d do it. 

@inthemiddleofmymidnight i think kim is the first friend i made on here. she’s wonderful and insanely funny. maybe i’m just easy to make laugh but every story she tells truly makes me laugh out loud... and i’ll laugh again thinking about it later. she is truly a meme queen. her posts... chef’s kiss. also she will put team edward/team jacob shirts in ur animal crossing able’s sisters if u ask. i love u kimmie im ur biggest fan. also like me, kim would be afraid to dive off the cliff if we were cliff diving but then she’d be the one to PUSH me sdhjfhsj i just love her so much. her friendship literally means so much to me!!

@bellaskhakis nayana is the type to go from trashing edward relentlessly to simping for edward in 2 seconds. in real life she’s probably stressing over school but mentally she is in forks, wa in bella & edward’s lil cottage reading fanfiction. if u need recommendations, she’s got u. she’s a great listener & friend & her humor is like wonderfully chaotic. she’ll cry but then she’ll take that energy and drunk liveblog the twilight movies or buy a bunch of plants. if ur friends w her, she will send u all the funny tiktoks & that is LOVE. nay would think she would want to cliff dive but then need to talk herself into it while everyone else goes first and then realize she was the last person up there and freak out but then dive anyways

@cullen-collective omg kaity is such a great person to talk to. she’s like jacob – she’s an easy person to talk to. she listens but also really makes u feel comfortable & like u’ve been friends forever. kaity don’t read the rest of this paragraph i don’t want u to feel self conscious/overly self aware hehe BUT my fave part of kaity’s blogs as i’ve said to her before is like the literal stream of consciousness happening in her tags. why do i feel like kaity would run and JUMP. would she do a cannonball??? i would like to see it

@teamjacobthot my love for dij... unconditional. irrevocable. dee is just like COOL. why did i feel so lame saying that. she just has the best energy and i know i keep calling everyone funny but really dee is FUNNY. like kaity, she’s also the kind of person that i feel like you just automatically get along with & feel comfortable around. obviously we’re all here for fun but i feel like dee’s blog really embodies that fun like no other because either in her posts or notes or answers to asks... it’s the most chaotic unexpected topics that will truly kill u. im thinking of that freaking diarrhea ask she got that she just reblogged again... cursed. but i love her. look i’m not saying she WOULD bc i’m sure it’s probably much scarier once ur actually up there but i feel like dee would also be the instigator with cliff diving and do some kind of trick like a flip idk if she really would but MAYBE

@howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen emma is the ultimate sweetie. always down to talk abt cute dogs or painting or disney channel movies or how jacob is superior to all. she’s just precious and kind but ready to THROW DOWN for u in one second. i literally have been laughing at the same joke for like two weeks but when i said two hurricanes looked like they were coming towards houston she said “good thing i have two fists” shdusdjdkd. emma is the type of friend who would remind u that if u really don't want to jump off the cliff, don’t feel peer pressured bc u don’t have to. but then if u built up the courage, she’d be the one to hold ur hand and jump with u. ok i’m retiring the cliff diving thing i’m sorry i really RAN with that.

@kaquiche man i love taryn. i feel like taryn’s meme usage is always perfect & also she would definitely save ur life. she does ARCHERY ok she would protect us all in the event of a zombie apocalypse. i’m literally fighting the urge to say FUNNY again but it’s not my fault if everyone makes me LAUGH here. taryn’s one of the first people i remember seeing interact w my posts 🥺 she been supporting me since DAY ONE baby. i just love her. she’ll hype u up. she’ll always make u CRY with her twilight video edits. seriously if u want that emo twilight content to make u FEEL SOMETHING... this is who to follow.

@bellas-dumptruck-ass i love elaine and she’s going to laugh at me again but i really think elaine is so smart!!! like a genius... my brain could not process the info that she’s literally studying like it’s no big deal. elaine is so sweet ugh i keep saying that but everyone is just really super kindhearted here ok!! her username KILLS me. like i think this is truly peak comedy. her brand... it’s everything to me. classic memes & great tags.

@phil-dwyer-stan-account addison is SO SO nice and understanding and sensitive. if nayana is in bella & edward’s cottage reading, addison is in there baking bread and cookies and brownies. she’s beautiful and sweet and silly and has the disney channel TEA you didn’t know you needed. she’s another person that will instantly befriend you. she’ll go out of her way to really let you know that she admires you & is excited to be ur friend. the actual definition of a sweetheart. is she the real life esme?? she might be

@volturialice g... i’m lowkey her biggest fan. name a post that didn’t go off...i’ll wait. like literally all of her memes will make u laugh. u know what?? g IS the twilight renaissance. her latest midnight sun posts have especially been making me die and if you’re new here, she’s probably like one of the first blogs u have to follow. every time i see her username in my notifications... my heart is FAT 💗 also she writes fanfics so if ur looking for twilight fanfiction, she has a bunch & also a rec!!

@leahclearwaterdefensesquad kate is so kind & one of my go to people for tag games, but kate is ALWAYS providing the leah content that we NEED. also the lesbian twilight ship moodboards and PLAYLISTS. i also really appreciate how kate & @vampireguarddogs are always some of the first blogs i see that boost a lot of important talking points related to the series on racism. bc if you’re going to be in this fandom, there’s a lot you need to make sure you’re educated on since this series is problematic. like we’re all here to be nostalgic and have fun but we can’t do that whilst ignoring relevant conversations. dee & kae also always have great takes in these discussions too!

@edytheelizabethcullen ok i’m going to try & wrap this up bc i’ve been going on forever and there’s a lot of blogs i really love & admire, but i’ll finish by saying that alex is an actual angel and so intelligent and charming and u will have great conversations about the series with her!!

[marvel-download-tutorial]

How to Download Marvel comics for free!

I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while especially since we’re all stick inside but last week Marvel made the shitty decision to transition various print titles to digital only, meaning they’re directly taking revenue away from local shops rather than delay the titles, so since Marvel thinks digital comics is such a cool idea I’m gonna show you how to download as many as you’d like! (oh also this is for windows only, idk how to do it if you own a mac but also you’re rich anyways so who cares buy the comics richie)

I don’t want to take money away from the people that need it, not the actual companies of Marvel and DC fuck them they’re dying and they deserve it, but for my own rationalizing I want to take a minute to plug the Hero Initiative, basically what it is an organization that provides for comic creators that are having hard times, comics are a rough industry and you don’t get into it to get rich, I won’t go into it too much you can read for yourself but it’s been endorsed by Stan Lee, Justin Ponsor, Mike Grell, Skottie Young, Rags Morales, a lot of big names, so I’d ask if you do follow this guide and download some comics for free please consider donating to the Hero Initiative (they also sell autographed prints and you can commission some really famous artists)

anyways onto the good stuff! I’m going to be doing a fairly brief but easy to follow guide, there will be links at the bottom of the post so look for those, I’ll probably be making a few other posts with some more info so also check back for those if my blog is still here

What do I need?

You’re going to need 4 basic things if you want to do this as easily and safely as you can 

1) a good anti-virus

2) anonymous web browser (Tor)

4) a safe and reliable source for the comics

4) a torrent program to download the comics

Also optional: VPN

Anti-Virus 

it’s good to remember when torrenting that no one is your friend, everyone is out to trick you and no one cares, honestly you should also have a good anti-virus though, I’m not really gonna tell you which one you should have but Norton 360 is pretty good but say that in a room of CS majors is the quickest way to start a fist fight, honestly just google it, you’re gonna have to do some research, but really you’re good as long as you don’t go with Avast or Kaspersky, I’m going to go over typical tricks and traps later to ensure safety, this is just basic overall security thing

Anonymous Web Browser (Tor)

next we’re gonna download Tor (you can do this before getting a VPN, like I said either one is going to put you on a list but using one to cover you getting the other at least mitigates it lol) Tor is a great open source project that allows for basically complete anonymous web browsing, it’s a project dedicated to privacy and disruption of corporations ability to control every aspect of our lives, also a friend of mine bought K off silk road with it once in highschool, really not too much you need to know about it before using it, just download it, let it configure and you’re good, also use Duck Duck go that it comes with, don’t switch it to chrome or anything, Duck Duck go is anonymous search service which better lends to Tor’s protection

Where to get the torrents

Now this is really important because you can have everything else set up but without a safe reliable source none of this is gonna do any good, but this is the dangerous part, torrent sites are notorious traps (I bricked more than on family PC on limewire) and this is why I said earlier to remember these people are not your friends and are out to hurt you, don’t click banner ads, don’t believe pop ups, make sure your virus protection is on and it’s a very good idea to have an adblocker on, also look out for another post I’ll be making on what download buttons to trust for different popular torrent sites

when talking comics (and remember specifically only Marvel comics) there’s no other name out there than Nemesis43, he is a god and he’s going to be your new best friend, there are groups and sites out there that do comic scans that you have to pay to join or like apply to join, that shit’s dumb as hell and I’ve never used them once and I’ve got more comic than I can read in my lifetime, you don’t need em and you especially don’t need to give them money, donate to the Hero Initiative instead

Nemesis has moved around a bit in the past (if you remember the WWT debacle) right now the main site for him is ettv (there will be a link at the end of the post) sites a bit barren but he’s there, he also has a reddit he gives updates on very rarely, generally if he moves he adds where his new home is in a text doc in his recent uploads, I fully trust him and his uploads, he’s been doing this for years and I’d never have a second thought downloading from him, also because he uploads so much he’s often very highly rated and verified on whatever site he’s on

The second place I’d recommend is getcomic (again there will be a link at the end), now this is very important, never donate to them, they kinda suck, basically they’re plugged into a bunch of different scanner groups and just steal those scans and put them up and then ask for donations, basically they’re just an aggregate (Nem kinda is too but he doesn’t ask for donations and stuff), they usually use browser downloads which are a complete pain so I’d really recommend Nemesis over them but they do have TheComicGuy on torrent galaxy for larger files but that updates a lot less frequently then the main site, again I trust these guys (as long as you’re on the actual site) but don’t trust any banner ads or pop ups, also for downloading they give multiple options, a lot are very sketchy, just use the main server

also there’s other sites like readcomics or newcomics, never used em, don’t like em, use at your own behest 

On sites like ettv you’re gonna want to use the magnet, someone years ago told me it was safer and I just believed them and have always used em, not sure if it’s true but it’s worked so whatever, really you shouldn’t be too worried about this stuff and if you follow this guide you’re going to be way over prepared to download comics, really no one cares about comic torrenting, movies, video games, tv shows that’s the stuff people really get caught on, this is just nerd shit

I’m going to be making another post showing how to use these sites, and other sites comic can be found on so look back at my blog for that

Torrent program

This is pretty basic, just get utorrent, it’s what I’ve always used, it works, whatever, definitely look this up with a VPN on or on Tor, it’s simple to use, I’ll be doing a short tutorial on how to make it even safer

Lastly this one is optional but a pretty good idea, for more than just this

VPN aka Virtual Privacy Network

honestly you can get the anonymous web browser (Tor) or the VPN first, their both going to help cover you downloading the other and honestly both are going to put you on a list for googling them (which is why I suggest looking for someone who just already has the .exes ((I always keep them on a thumbdrive for when I have to reset one of my computers)), I might try to make a google drive with em but also I might not bc that sounds like work and I’m already typing all this up), anyways I’m not really gonna explain what a VPN is, there’s a lot of resources that can explain it better than I can but basically it masks what you do on the internet, there’s a lot of choices when picking a VPN but the big thing I looked for when choosing mine was 1) non-US based so it’s harder for US investigation agencies to request stuff for them or get anything from them 2) one that doesn’t keep logs, honestly they all do even if they say they don’t, but you wanna look for one that hasn’t turned over many logs to US agencies and 3) unlimited peer 2 peer connections which is complicated but basically means you can torrent stuff anonymously and with decent speed. Like Anti-Virus there are a ton of different VPN’s out there, you really have to do research because there are actual accounts of FBI agencies crating VPN’s telling people they’re anonymous when really they had direct access to all the info, I haven’t done any research but NordVPN seems kinda like one of these, really the more they advertise the more suspicious I am, Just google “best vpn 2020″ and look at like 5 lists and read the the stuff, personally I use IPvanish which unfortunately is US based and while it gave over logs in 2016 even thought they said they didn’t keep any but now they’re owned by a new company that super double promises they don’t (again who cares they all do) but they’ve allow P2P and use 256-bit AES encryption

I wanna take a second to mention that this isn’t going to be free, this is the only place you’re going to be spending money (besides donating to Heroe Initative of course), a good VPN is about $100 a year which all in all isn’t terrible, technically you can just get by on the anonymous browser but this gives you an extra layer of security to pretty much ensure you won’t get caught and plus in the ever worsening internet hell world a VPN is becoming more and more important, I’m sure you can find articles about it but yea you don’t technically need a VPN but it’s useful for more than just this

How to work it all

Ok so this is gonna be a little stream of consciousness, as this all kinda has been, so sorry but I’m gonna try and explain it as best I can and also feel free to ask any questions on this blog, I’ll check back eventually I’m sure

So first thing first, make sure you’re virus protection is on and you’re connected on your VPN if you’re using it (you can google “what is my IP” to double check it’s working) then load up Tor, let it load and connect up and whatever, then go to https://www.ettvdl.com/user/Nemesis43 (I’m just gonna show this with Nemesis43, maybe I’ll make another one for getcomics but that’s pretty straight forward, also nem is better)

now remember we’re only here for Marvel comics, so scroll past all those thousands of other comics this would work exactly the same for, I’m gonna go for Ant-Man #4 which was released on the 13 as a digital only comic despite the first three issues being physical copies and now sit on my shelf forever unfinished making me look like a complete penis

it may take a while but it’s going to look like this, click on the blue words, it’s gonna take you to a page that looks like this

now from here we’re going to get the magnet link, right click and select copy link address, I like doing this because it limits my interactions with the page, note the advertisement at the top telling me I need a VPN despite thinking I’m in Guadalajara (which for legal reasons I am)

just copy that and then go to utorrent and click the add link

it’ll open a little box, it should add the link automatically, if it doesn’t just hit ctrl+V

hit ok and it’ll load it up, it might need to download some metadata but after that it should be good, oh also it might bring up a window basically asking where you want to save it and what to name it, you can set all that up in preferences, I did so I just turned that window off and can’t be assed to turn it back on, just hit ok if you don’t wanna bother with that stuff, it’ll go into your downloads by default

and that’s it really, it’s that easy, I might make another thing talking about how to make utorrent more anonymous or whatever so look for that, but stock it’s fine, also when it’s finished downloading it’s gonna start seeding (like uploading to someone else) I’ve always been a scumbag and I never seed but Nemesis seeds stuff so much you really don’t need to anyways, just select it and hit the stop button (the black square on the tool bar)

here are all the links I could think of

Hero Initiative

download Tor

here’s a guide for VPNs

download utorrent

song I found recently that I like

getcomics

Nemesis

so yea that’s pretty much the basics, be smart, be safe, any viruses you get are on you but I hope you found this helpful and feel free to ask any questions

oh and also this is all parody and I’ve never actually torrented anything, I don’t even own a computer

[gavinisqueer]

Okay so I just finished watching DE and I decided to just write down all of my thoughts as they happened and this is that. Very stream of consciousness, idk if parts make sense, and nothing makes sense if you haven’t seen the film. And of course, #spoilers

-

ajksdhkjs gavin has to look up to face the protestor

nines is fucking laughing internally when he says he can do Gavin's voice

WISDOM????1?

shuuut the fuck up

*aaaass*hole

'Aspects of their appearance that I find charming' oh you mean like... scars??

jsadkjfj why does the dude wear a boa

this bit is so gay

Suspicious Man

he talk fast oof

Ada has access to all the files? why???

ohhhhhhh baby (sleepy coat scene)

zen gavin is the new button up gavin

her... traci parts

okayokay Nines honey if you made zen gavin... he either is doing whatever you want him to, or he's telling you what Gavin would based on your data. either way you should not be arguing right now

gavin..... is baby

sad? boi???

okay but Gavin looks so... drained wonderful makeup(??) to get that effect imo

OH they cuddle,,,, yes

HAND WHITE AH

why does gavin have a fucking muscle shirt with a hood

can we just appreciate how Michelle basically made fanfiction into a reality this is exactly what I've dreamed of for years

passive aggressive android boi

Ada: idk what kind of lover's spat y'all're having but can we get back to the case pls

Detective Nines... out loud... love it

chris chris no he's not flirting with- no!

party music Good is that original I must know

Thirium drink!

tina's gf is adorable

angey Nine

his face does from :D to D: so fast

how late did they stay up getting this scene

adskfjhksd blows smoke Directly in his face... bad gavin

'just like every other time' boy how many times has Gavin fled from intimacy... i mean i know the answer is a lot

oh no oh no he sees them go- he FOLLOWS THEM?

ada stop flirting hes ace

gavin stop! following him! ur only gonna be hurt

ooh eye effect is niceee

love the sound here?? glitchy

broken voice nooooooooo

i think they said that Maximillian had to wear a suit to do the white skin... sounds uncomfortable af

tina and gavin's friendship is so good in any media.. thank u

oh his memory files? have u seen the gay in there too?

ANGEY BOI

his hair

you can't just throw a red wall in there... I'm havin Thoughts now

hmmmmm whats with Ada's clothes? I don't think she was wearing that anywhere else? was it her system or his that came up with that?

red wall says contain RK900?? owo

Gavin was too jealous to notice hehe

'how does an android do that to other androids' "androids investigating androids"

I love tina's actor... gimme more of her pls

Chris can do such soft smiles as Gavin...

Nines getting reset?? there's an idea...

AN HOUR IN FUCK

h...hold hands... yea

can tina hear him??

so this is a love confession and I'm so totally okay with that

what does that beeping mean? are elevated heartrates (pump...rates) a good thing? he seemed excited

glitchy gavin good that is all

'i can't rebuild you' how much did you experience with him?? if he was just a version of Gavin who knew your feelings that would be one thing but...

oh god the cuddle..

really loving the glitchy audio all through this film

quick recovery lol

Chris sounded a lot less surprised than one would expect

Chris: coffee? what... OH

HIS JACKET,,, it looks so cute on Nines

'you love me' *cries*

HANDS AGAIN YES

KISS

AHH

why the fuck did they not keep your clothes what did they expect you to go home in WHOSE PANTS ARE YOU WEARING

their voices are so breathy nnnn

Chris: Oh you're GAY. I did not pick up on that at all.

where did nines get that jacket... i like it

ya just fucking hit her with a crowbar that's fine yeah

why do they fight like that hsbdhas like.. i know why it's bc it's movie magic but like w h y

ada sure does choke a lot of people in this movie

finally someone gets told they won't shoot and then they shoot gdi thank u

there's thirium on her shirt... nice detailing but like is she gonna bleed out

why does he assume she would forget everything just bc she deviated...

ohhh hes right is he gavin... love his character development ha

god Maximillian really is the best Nines... if a canon movie is ever made they're not allowed to cast anyone else

processing lol

who have you heard that from before gavin... i will kill them

yas ace rep

touching his fACE

wow this bit is..so gay

ANOTHER KISS

im fuckin... cry-laughing im dead im...

protestor has a name in the credits (tj)

the music here? amazing austin is a genius

im gonna need to take an hour to process...

im gonna have this movie on repeat for the next few weeks just. nonstop

[furymint]

All Prompts

#02: Sway

#03: Muster

#06: Bonus

#08: Clamor

#09: Lush

#12:  Tooth & Nail

#15: Ache

#16: Lucubration

#20: Bonus

#22: Argy-Bargy

#24: Beam

Header  | Reflection of some of my favorite peers’ prompts under the cut!

@aethernoise​ -- #11: Ultracrepidarian

tired curses!!!! i also really love this contrast in their work..... its rly cute. alyx just saved the world and aymeric is hating the dictionary. i like how rough his narration is and then alyx calls and everything speeds up, and i especially love him staring into the empty room. it put another contrast between their circumstances, but its also rly damn accurate abt how it feels to share a moment over the phone w someone. it made me smile a lot

@ahlis-xiv​ -- #23: Shuffle

this one made me laugh ksjdf ahlis’ distaste for the saucer despite being drawn to it is hysterical, but it also mirrors a lot of her character flaws: avoiding vulnerability, placing stoicism before genuineness, planting her frustration on external things instead of herself. even confronting her own feelings draws some curses out of her, and i love that display of her personality.

@autochthonousone -- #09: Nonagenarian

i love me some reflection and mentorship. also im obsessed with “let ‘lone this ‘n”.........dialect is such a hit or miss thing when writing or reading, but god youve got it and i love that line so much. barry’s relationship w stalwart is even better tho, and i cant repeat enough how much i love their dynamic of fair/stern/wise and distant/brutish/actually-paying-complete attention.

@brave-horizon -- #12: Tooth & Nail

talk abt using the setting..............i rly struggle w incorporating setting so this was a little mind-blowing to me. we got a really cool action scene plus established an entire town and conflict all at once?? battle scenes are hard. but ur vocab is so precise and stuff like “seized midstride” and “spilling its pilot” are rly inspiring me rn!! wind magic is smth ive brainstormed in the past but u have such good ideas w it and im so pumped just rereading it. its so good

@erstwhile25 -- #05: Matter of Fact

oh my god. some kind of dialogue god comes down and hands kail all his words, or else he’s just the dialogue god himself. im leaning towards the latter. i wish to god i could say “very small dogs with the barest streaks of sanity” in daily life, and honestly i might start to. the crew of the rook are always a joy to see + the development of their conversation takes such a meaningful turn that it really sticks after the laughs

@endangered-liaison​ -- #05: Matter of Fact 

sorry not sorry jaejh is cool!!!! he’s super nasty and terrible and interesting and i loved his voice, but i esp love how well he pushed the conflict and just Ruined Everything. i rly live how his influence bleeds into the others through their fear. The kids go from hoping or expecting to smth better, to not even debating that he’s lying bc it will just turn out worse. the berry stains as a gun on the wall never struck me either, and i was SHOOK

@high-and-away -- #10: Avail

honestly this was the hardest one to pic a fav for. i rly loved so many of these bc they check a lot of boxes for my Brand. this one sits the longest with active conflict + does a fantastic job staying clear despite all the trails it picks up w max’s foil n comradeship, the chocobo’s higher level of pity over people, the chaotic pack of Resistance members, and the highlander that vicky reasons over n kills. i love that word “limning” now; ur vocab always finds ways to surprise me w the way u use them (esp in describing settings)

@holyja -- #03: Muster

usually when i think of lizzy writing, i think of how perfect ur verbs are, but this time i really liked the visuals and tone. hyana pushing food around her plate and sitting on the rooftops had such a lonely feel to them, but at the same time were rly enjoyable and clear imgs despite not having to be described forever. serella’s dialogue was perfectly on-the-nose, too. usually i rly linger on what is given too much detail, but this rly showed me how nice it is to air things out n leave the thought monologue unsaid.

@karoiseka --  #24: Beam

hell yeah memory lane time. i loved seeing CT from karo’s pov and seeing where her priorities lay or moved. i also liked the life u gave to the little parts left untouched by the narrative, like walking through CT and the heartbeat in the soul vessel. idk what could be more satisfying that a reunion either, so following karo into the ocular was some Good Shit

@mythrilreflections -- #15: Ache

does this get bonus points just for being in o’ghomoro? yes. i love how the tunnels are characterized by the senseless kobolds in them. the added pressure from their reasonings for being in this hellhole is even better, and i love the sigils concept. jace’s narration is so cold, too, which makes both the kobold’s ferocity and the team’s desperation more poignant: he doesn’t sound the type to exaggerate.

@norhimorovine -- #14: Part

this one just screams fairy tale to me. the others do too, but the repetition of events rly knocks this one up the flagpole of ‘belongs in some mid 19th century kids story collection.’ i LOVE the sisters’ banter, and how the younger daughter gets incorporated a bit further for her attention. having the soldier take little pieces of each environment to prove they were real made them a lot more real to me, too.

@snowbird-down -- #03 Muster

if u think im NOT gonna lose my mind shrieking over stream of consciousness as one of the #1 ways of writing trauma, u have not been around me for very long. the varying sentence length is rly successful here, and i esp love the part where people are rushing into the ship and she has to stab a dude to keep him from coming aboard. it’s such a back and forth determining who is humanity and who is the faceless antagonist for a minute, n ofc i love that.

@stars-bleed-hearts-shine​ -- #28 -- Irenic

i was p surprised that my fav of urs came so late, but i feel like this piece has a lot of what your really good at, and which i admire a lot: you aren’t afraid of emotional dialogue or arguments based in more than factual debate, and you capitalize on casual thoughts that reveal a lot more than they do at face value. i esp like that you rly make the most of two characters that overlap in values and personality so often--they acknowledge that overlap and work together with what they share.

@yunkinko​ -- #05 Matter of Fact

im gonna forget abt that little rat line bc the last line is a kick in the teeth. i always admire ur ability to expand tiny details into lasting events. x’arhll’s musings also cut so different from the rest of the scene, separating her from the others and mhifa even further from her, so i love that contrast. the “arc of water” stayed with me for a while too.

[comradesalazar]

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

I will admit I got a lil Emotional that I got tagged in this but I’m so excited to go through it because this year has been SO PRODUCTIVE for me when it comes to writing. Thank you to the legend @that0negayslytherin​ for tagging me and the other legends, you the real MVP (and also thanks again for setting up the LV fic discord bc that place... really b Wild and really b a wonderful place to motivate each other to be our best.) Legends only!!

Anyhway! Onto this thing... I’m excited.

[rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!]

So. Most of my works from this year have been Venji related because I’m still in the deep pit of Love, Victor obsession and idk when that’ll go away. Hopefully not anytime soon because I’m having a great time and fic was an amazing way for me to improve my craft. I do have one piece of original work on this list, but the rest is fic. It’s difficult to choose favorites so I think I’ll go chronologically. A couple of these have graphics but not all of them. Anyway... let’s get into this, shall we.

Arakhne of the Floating Mountain

So this the first work I completed this year. It’s an original novella I wrote for Wattpad’s Open Novella Contest and it’s a very fun, character-centric story that reimagines Arakhne/Arachne (the one from the legend who gets turned into a spider after challenging Athena) as a lonely lesbian who lives alone on, you guessed it, a palace on a mountain in the sky, until three sisters drop by asking for her to create their coronation dresses for when they become the queens of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. The sisters (Soledad, Luna and Estelle) basically try to court her and it’s a good time. Obviously, I didn’t win the competition but it was still a really fun story for me to write and part of my journey of realizing I can create a writing habit and work on something over the course of a long time, since the only other completed long work I had was for NaNo, which was just binge-writing over 30 days before I had the chance to get bored. If you’re into magical lesbians, check it out!

The stars will love me even if you don’t

I have so much to say about this work. I started it just on a whim in August after I watched Love, Victor in July and began wanting to actually contribute to the works of fandom. Little did I know that I would be embarking on a journey of 120k words and counting, with 33 chapters. This story deals with a whole random of issues -- from long-distance relationships, substance abuse, mental health problems especially around anxiety and depression/suicidality, toxic relationships, codependency, self-harm, the project of becoming oneself and being able to manage life and navigate the world in a healthy way, all the things. In a lot of ways, it is a personal project. But also in a lot of ways I wanted to correct a lot of ideas we have about what constitutes a healthy relationship and what love should look like. There were many times when I wanted to give up on this project due to frustration and exhaustion, but I continued to work at it. I learned so much about my own capabilities, about developing a writing habit, and about what it’s like to write a behemoth of a story. It isn’t perfect by any means but I appreciate the people who have reached out to me and told me that they learned some things about themselves from reading. This is truly a labor of love and I can see that it already accomplished the goal I set for myself which was to help people. It’s lit. And thank you so much to @callmevenji​ for the lovely cover!! She’s a legend!! 

The Thousand-Eyed Wraith (TTEW)

This was a little one-shot I wrote for the Halloween Venji Fic Fest and it takes place in the world of my original work, The Thousand-Eyed Crow. Basically, it’s about what would happen if Venji ended up in that world and had to deal with some spooky nonsense and eventually ended up joining a cult. It was fun for me because it was more stream of consciousness and post-modernist, which is very different to how I normally write but it was a really fun experiment tbh. 

You Only Live Forever (YOLF)

This was another one-shot I wrote for the Fic Fest, but this one was much smuttier and mature than TTEW. I was really inspired by Beyonce’s “Partition” (the song and the video lmao) and thought it would be interesting to put Venji in a world similar to Greendale in The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina but with s*x magic, so it was essentially a Love, Victor and CAOS cross-over for grownups lol. Apparently it worked out well, though, and they ended up trying to summon Satan which went... questionably. But I had a lot of fun writing this, as well, especially when it came to sorta balancing the old-timey setting with the modern day and the smutty scenes with the softer, fluffier ones. 

Part of Your World

So one day I had an idea to write a Little Mermaid-inspired Venji story that would be so sweet and romantic... And so I did. I took a lot of inspiration from several sources -- one, of course, was the Disney version of the Little Mermaid, as well as the original version which is a lot darker and more sinister, as well as mythology around sirens and selkies and just, I guess like, class warfare. So I ended up with a sorta more adult-version of the Little Mermaid where Benji gets attacked by humans and is distrustful of them until he meets Victor who is “not like other humans” and helps patch him up, and they embark on a bit of a whirlwind romance. This has been a treat to work on even though it’s probably one of my least popular fics because I imagine people are coming for something a bit more light-hearted but I’m incapable of writing something that is 100% fun and not chock full of imagery and meaning. I think this has also been the work that showcased and tested my imagery-writing and dialogue-writing abilities the most and brought out my inner poet. And once again a huge thank you to @callmevenji​ for the fanart, if you haven’t already followed her you should bc she’s a legend.

Dead Men Feed the Fish

Finally, my last and most recent work is also the story I worked on for NaNoWriMo this year. 63,000 words completed in less than a month, depicting the initial meeting of Venji and the way their romance develops and deepens over time. It’s just (chef’s kiss). I had originally had the idea for pirate!Venji and really wanted to write it because I was inspired by That One Scene in Pirates of the Caribbean, which is probably one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen and between the only het pairing I stan. So I just had to write a story that included this scene and that allowed me to write my dream scenario of Venji out on the open seas being gay and having a good time and going on adventures and having homoerotic sword fights. This story has basically everything -- romance, action, adventure, magic/fantasy, a lil bit of spice/kink, good communication, tension, cute animals, everyone is gay, what’s not to love. I’m also looking to edit and publish traditionally so I’m in the process of fixing all that up now. And once again, thank you to @callmevenji​ for the brilliant fanart!

Anyway, that was that, and I hope that if you have the time and you get the chance, that you give some of my works a shot because I would be very grateful and I think you will have fun. 

I’ll tag @kateis-cakeis​, @g531​, and I guess anyone else who wants to do this! 

[outofmycu]

Thursday, April 4th

11:20am 

I have a very big problem with lying. 

I had several topics to start off my first blog post with. I could have talked about how I was going to use Wordpress to write my first blog, because I saw some girl on Instagram that I used to follow using it, but then realizing that it would take too long to figure out how to use the platform just to write about my feelings (which I’ve desperately been needing to do). I could have talked about how watching Maisie Williams lie about a Game of Thrones spoiler in an April Fool’s joke with Jimmy Fallon triggered a memory of J (specifically around 2:31, when she stares at Jimmy in fabricated fear, and remembering J’s face when I told her I had cheated on her). I could have even chosen the notion that I want to try ecstasy with my mom, after my experience with L (I need to come up with better nicknames for the people in my life).

But I’m going to start off with lying.

I guess I can write about those things later. I can write about the podcasts I listen to, whatever. I can write as many times as I want to, about anything I want to. I think it will be easier on here over pen and paper, because although pen and paper can be extremely cathartic in the way my fingers connect to the pen and paper like a stream of consciousness, it can get a little messy.

In any case.

I have a very big problem with lying.

I lie about everything in my life. I lie at least three times a day, when I’m with other people. I lie about how I’m feeling, I lie about what I did that day. I lie about big things. I lie about why I failed my course. I lie about things that have happened to me.

Actually, this is too much to talk about right now. This goes way deeper than I imagined. I’m starting to realize how defined I am by my lying. How I lie to myself about who I am so often, I’m starting to forget. I’m starting to think I am a lie, even though I pride myself so much on being honest with myself (outwardly) and not caring about what people think.

Am I lying when I think I have been sexually abused? I think I may be. But then, why do I not remember the first time I masturbated? Why do I react to sex the way I do? Why does oral sex disturb me? Is it biological, or is it mental?

I remember the time a guy I was sexting on Instagram told me he couldn’t come through oral sex anymore, but that it was just mental because he could come through penetrative sex. That really stuck with me.

(God, when I start writing down what I feel, I really start to realize how much is wandering around in my head that I don’t let out. So much starts flowing. So many thoughts start emerging.)

A lot of things stick with me, and I forget a lot of other things. Very odd things stick with me, too. Very specific things. Like L telling me how superior he felt to his work colleagues. 

Okay, now I was looking for icons for my Tumblr blog and I got distracted and thought about gender again. Fuck my ADHD brain.

Lol I made my account private because this shit is about to get deeeeeeep.

Bruh I need to choose one topic and stick to it like omg. But it’s so hard when one thought leads to another and another I just wanna write what I think about.

But like, I just opened my dash and saw a black cat just as my black cat (Bruno) was in front of me. And I realized I need to be more in contact with myself instead of focusing on being in contact with L. 

Which is funny because last night I realized I was in L’s life. Like for a second there I thought I didn’t exist to him? Idk if that makes sense. Like I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like I was a stranger to him for some reason. I can’t reconnect with that experience right now if I try to, but I just... like, when I thought about him I was like, wow. This guy is in love with me. Isn’t that weird? This guy cares about me (does he?). I’m in his life. I’m part of his life (am I?).

It was really weird. Idk if I felt distant to him too. Maybe I felt like I wasn’t part of his life. Maybe when he starts ignoring me, I start imagining my life without him so much, that last night it actually materialized in my mind. One day we will actually be strangers though. And that’s not in a far off future. Which is weird to think about. But like, it’s gonna happen. Soon. You know?

I’ll be fine by then, though. Tbh like I don’t wanna sound like an evil bitch but I do want to learn from him. I don’t want to drain him, but I want every time I spend with him to be a learning experience. I want to learn from him. I want to be a different person by the end of the year.

Btw, it’s so much easier writing on a laptop than on a journal. Also bc I’m scared people with find my journal. I might take pictures of it and post them here to document what I was feeling then and keep that shit, but like also not have the physical evidence of all of those dark thoughts that I was having.

The physical evidence really freaks me out. I used to think I had no reason to keep a diary, because I had nothing to hide. But I have more to hide than I had thought. I have a whole world inside me, unexplored. And the more I write about what I feel, the more I realize I hide more than I show. Soooo much more. I wonder if everyone is like that. Probably. Like 100% actually lol.

I need to start being more conscious of how I feel. I need to really connect with myself. I’ve spent so long disconnecting with myself. I was thinking this last night - I don’t remember when, but I remember looking at my hands or something, maybe walking back from the gym for some reason, and thinking - man, I really want to know myself. Omg yes! I was listening to that song by Luisa Sonza, “Pior Que Possa Imaginar”, and that really triggered that feeling in me. Like I needed to know what was inside me. Like I need to explore myself better than I’ve ever explored anyone else, to understand what I feel, in order to like... tame myself.

Because I don’t really know myself. And I don’t trust myself. The fact that I am so bad at manual labor - so scared of cutting someone else’s hair, of learning how to drive a car - reflects how I feel inside about myself. I don’t trust myself to do things. I think I’m stupid and incapable, therefore I become stupid and incapable. But I want to change that. Genuinely. I want to change how stupid and incapable I feel.

Even though it was a tiny victory, yesterday when I was helping my mom put up the curtains, I felt so capable. Maybe today I will cook something. I will bake sweet potatoes. And I could make a brownie or something, I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do, but I am going to do something manual. I think every day I will try to do one manual thing, and one mental thing (aside from writing). If I translate the manual into mental, I will improve as a person.

I have soooo much work to do on myself and I’m only 21. How does that happen?

[scoops404]

consciousness streaming ! (i love saying this it just makes everything sound more dramatic, like it's out of a medieval times movie idk)

but anyway, i have finished reading inffqth

and altho im not crying anymore, i did cry through like, chapters, 10 to 12, maybe more in 11 and 12, but specially 11

i said this dream was beautiful, and i still mean it, probs even more now that i saw him completely, i have like, a list with my favorite dream's in fanfics and urs just kicked everybody to be number one

this george too,,, god how much i wanted to fight him, at some point i said out loud how i was gonna take that "stupid" box of feeling and throw it on a river so he finally opens up, but honestly, i probs got mad at him bcs he was taking decisions i would have also taken

when he was talking abt how he was too much and nobody wanted that, i was like "ok well no need to attack me like that"

but im so happy they got to solve it in a non tiring way? like usually the communication just goes the wrong way or never happens and it gets so frustrating, like just TALK alr pls

+ very random but when this scene happened

—"George," Dad says with a nod.

—"Dad," he says back, "Drive safe." Another nod,

LISTEN I, i wanted to be petty, i wanted george to say "Jim." just out of spite, ik it doesn't change a lot but in my way of seeing it it would have been funny but petty iguess

i have like, many more screenshots of the story, since i cant ever reread a whole fic cus i hate knowing what's gonna happen, but at the same time i love rereading bits of it so pictures it is, kinda sad i can't like, send them here all marked up like they do with printed-out books, i like doing that a lot

ALSO, gotta give the biggest kudo's trophy to kate, even though she was the one making me cry cus jfc why is she such a nice and healthy mom, she was so understanding and caring and god, building her a pedestal, she deserves it

i think ur way of writing a parent k worded me, reading kate just suddenly made me think of these exact dream and george as parents and my brain shut down, i really thought "god a kid fic of scoops would totally destroy me" (i am very weak for kid fics, have a soft spot for them)

now i am probably gonna read iwywah, (cus i realized ive read everything else of urs thats dnf and that's the only fic left) and ill probs cry again, who knows,

scoops just really going for that "makes readers cry" trophy smh /lh

anyway, again, thank u for writing this

also saw that u mentioned u have a friend that's like this dream and im so happy for u!! u seem to be deserving of lots of nice things, sending love to u guys :] <3

I almost forgot to answer you because i was just staring in wonder at this ask--I love it!

Chapter 11 was a doozy, don't blame you for crying there. lots of growth and realizations and decisions. I'm so glad you still love my Dream. As for George here, I'll admit, he's hard to love for a while, but that's mostly because I see myself in him so much (like you said, same decisions I would make) and I want to bang his head against a wall (or in this case, his mother).

The thing about his dad in this fic-- like chapter 11 got completely re-written because it disappear on me, yeah? well, the original chapter dealt way more with his dad. George and Neve go straight to Brighton first instead of London to Kate, and George has an awkward encounter with the new lady friend where we realize, she's just a woman and just as messed up about all this as everyone else and it really humanized his dad and the whole situation but when is got deleted, I was like okay this is a sign. This story is not about George's family that much, like it's about Dream and George getting together and this is a fun side trip and sheds more light on things, but at the end of the day, we didn't need that light.

I think it's so cute you screenshot your favorite parts! My friend (the dream friend) does this and every once in awhile will send me an unhinged screenshot from a fandom im not in and it takes me out.

I love Kate in this fic, she's my fave. I'm proud of how she turned out and how real she seems. Definitely not perfect (in the epilogue where she tells everyone but george about the guy she's dating--proof that it's harder to change than we realize, but she apologizes to george and makes it right), but the kind of adult I want to be as I age--not afraid of life but living it. I guess I did some projecting there.

If I ever write a kid fic, I will count on your kudos, lol. I've thought about a non-traditional one but I'm not ready to commit yet.

Let me know how you like "Accomplice" I uh think you're going to have some more family feels in that one. I think i have themes I like to explore.

Thank you for your beautiful message--sending you all the positive vibes and good things <3

[sangfearmoved]

HOW I RUN MY BLOG.

SPEED: DEPENDS. A LOT. depending on the length of the thread and my muse for it, it can take me one minute to ... i think eight months is my record. my activity can be super sporadic or favor one muse over another, but i p much never drop threads and will tell you if i do. i don’t track my threads tho so youre welcome to ask if you think i’ve lost it HHFJHSD REPLIES: i write...a lot. most of my one-liners WILL grow into novella if you let them. that being said, you never have to match my length! i feel like a lot of people get intimidated by how much i can put into my replies, but... you don’t have to comment on all of it. i just love detail. also, i don’t edit a lot of my drafts --- if there’s ever inconsistencies or spelling errors, please tell me so i can fix em!

WRITING STYLE: as mentioned, i rly like detail in my replies, asjfw. i tend towards more stream of consciousness, though i take opportunities to flesh out the surroundings as well, bc soda is very observant as a result of her paranoia and pays very close attention to a lot of things. i write based off tone and mood most often, so the level of prose varies, but it’s usually p simple.

STARTERS: i honestly prefer unplotted??? the best ships (platonic AND romantic) i’ve got have come abt that way. i usually reserve plots for headcanon-dependent threads, but even then it’s usually restricted to what won’t work w/ everything else as free game. and i rarely do starters tbh --- most of my threads come from dashcomm and stuff like that, or i’ll like a call of yours.

INBOX: hit. me up anything please i live for unprompted asks??? anything from stuff directed at soda to headcanons to random relevant questions to whatever, i’ll ramble on them all. i can be kinda slow w inbox memes, but sending pretty much Anything in is appreciated. SELECTIVITY: l au ghs.............i like to think i’m not very selective, but i think i have a different set of standards. it’s just a matter of whether or not i can see our writing/characters meshing if i actually interact --- i’ll usually follow back, esp if your content interests me. i’m not picky past that, as long as ur muse can deal with the potential of soda disliking / being rude towards them.

WISHLIST: uhh you mean aside from the like 80 thread ideas w @burstbombbitch? nothin much tbh. not really focusing on that with soda this time around askhdw. we’ll see what happens!

HONEST NOTE: i will, uh, not bite ur head off in the same way soda will, lmfao. 

TAGGED BY: i never know if syns messages count as tags or not but either way its from @burstbombbitch TAGGING: ehhhhhhh idk its a good meme tho. do it. and @paranoidocto boop!

[sharkthey]

guys. GUYS choosing names is so much fun.  especially with pals to do it with.  like jamie is a good name and i’m keeping james as my middle name no matter what.  but it was always kinda intended to be a transition name i guess, like to stop calling myself by my old name and try changing names without waiting for like The Perfect Name.  Bc like the problem is, Liana is a good name.  My parents picked it.  It’s super rare, but not white-people-cool like Hayleigh or Naveighlea, or not super middle-school badass like Indigo or Arwen (not that people with those names don’t deserve to feel cool, I’d just feel super self-conscious naming myself that.  maybe in 10 years).

So like ideally I’d like a name that’s pretty masculine, but still rare enough that I won’t find anyone else with it (I’m just used to it okay) but Also grounded enough like..for me to take it seriously.  Sorry if that sounds negative/hatey? IDK.

BUT ANYWAY.  since im probably not gonna find one I like for a while, I’m sticking with Jamie.  but in the MEANTIME i’m having a metric ton of fun finding names and writing them in my little list and entertaining the idea of like “hey. that could be MY name.”  like emmanual.  guys, emmanual could totally be my name.  emmanual james! or theodore james!  or ZEBULON james!!! (a real name on babynames dot com).  or - and i love this one - lovestone james.  liana is another word for vine, and a super rare british word for vine is bindwood or lovestone.  also same letter.  also has love in it! also sounds like an old spy! cons - looks weird written (lov-EH-stone?) and also reminds me of kidney stones.

(also i really like names that are just objects.  im this close to naming myself Moth, guys.  or Truck. like, so close.)

but anyway my days have just been like “hey would you still love my if my name was theo, do i seem like a theo” "actually???? yes?” (actually, theo is split down the middle. between the two people i asked.  reply if u think i seem like a theo! theodore james.  very cute....TOO cute????? hmmMM) or like, “sylvester?? sylvester james???” “stop”

and i know that stripping every name down like this isn’t gonna warrant me ANYTHING, like the name i stick with isn’t gonna be perfect on all fronts it’s just gonna fit me (honestly? still really, really like isaac. And it fails rule 1 - rare. so...) but im having. so. much. fun.

idk! this was gonna be a short relatable post about how renaming yourself is fun but it turned into a stream-of-consciousness diary entry bc thats the mood im in.  farewell!