#//to justify the stress of making a bunch of em

[troublewithvampires]

@bxtsence said: ( humor )

(childhood memories - open)

humor - a joke from my muse's childhood

Salvatore grins, flashing his fangs. "You want a joke?" he drawls. "Well, I got one." He holds his hands up, clawed fingers gesturing for emphasis as he speaks.

"Ya' ever hear what the politician said when he had to make a decision?" A deliberate pause. "'I'll double-cross that bridge when I get to it!'" The joke has Salvatore snickering to himself, clearly delighted.

[spam-monster]

Helsaweek 2020 Day 1: Swap

(or tumblr’s apparently being a butt but idgaf i’mma post this and head out)

I’ve done things like power swaps or gender swaps or kingdom swaps before (at least in my head), and I wanted to do something different this time, sooooo...introducing amount-of-siblings swap!

-----

In the beautiful kingdom of Arendelle, there were once thirteen fair princesses; although the kingdom had only ever seen two of them, for around the time the third was being carried the king and queen had suddenly closed the gates to the castle without warning. Stories were told, by the servants and traders who went in and out, of a group of perfectly normal, lovely girls. Yes, they all had their quirks, but none seemed to have any affliction that would justify hiding them away. Rumors were spread as well: questions of parentage, a hidden 14th child born with some terrible curse and locked away, a secret illness that affected only royalty…or perhaps something to do with the eldest child, Elsa, since she was almost never seen outside of her rooms.

But surely she was just engrossed in her studies, preparing herself to become the new queen after her parents had been lost. After all, the older townsfolk had met Elsa when she was younger, and she had been a perfectly normal, sweet young girl. Whatever had caused her parents cut themselves off from the kingdom, it surely had nothing to do with her…

---

“Alright, that’s enough! Dina, don’t play huntress with Frida’s Mr. Deer! Ingrid, stop trying to give Cathrine a makeover! Gunda, Hilda, stop fighting! Jorunn, we can go see the horses later! Klara, Linda…”

“You’re fine.” Brigitta says from behind her. “Now let’s all get ready for bed, we have a big day tomorrow.”

Anna sighs in relief, and mentally thanks Brigitta. At least one of her little sisters is acting responsible tonight.

“We want to make a good first impression on the peasants, after all.”

…Or maybe not.

“Yeah, c’mon. You don’t want them to get mad at us and rebel and drag us all to the guillotine.”

“Cathrine, no one is being guillotined tomorrow.”

“I’d like to see ‘em try!”

“Hilda, please don’t try to fight anyone.”

“…Will they even like us?”

“Linda, of course they will.”

“Why should we even care about Elsa’s coronation?”

Anna turned to Mathilde, the youngest of the thirteen sisters of Arendelle, slumped over on a couch looking bored. “Because she’s your big sister, and she’s going to be queen! We’ve all been waiting for this day for years, we need to support her-”

“Why should I care about someone I barely know?”

Anna flinched. “It’s true, that…Elsa hasn’t been around much lately…or spent much time with us…but I’m sure she’s just been…very busy! With…studying to be queen! And all!”

Mathilde glared. “That’s a lame excuse. She always ignores us.”

“She’s not…a bad person, really…”

“Yeah, I know, you always say you used to be “best friends” or whatever. But you’re the only one of us who’s ever seen her act like a real sister!”

Anna looked around, panicked, as most of the other girls began to nod and whisper in agreement.  

“She never talks to us.”

“She’s never played with us.”

“She rarely even comes down for dinner.”

“She left you alone.”

Anna turned to Klara, confused. “Left me alone?”

Klara looked at her sadly. “After mom and dad died. She left you to raise us all on your own.”

And Anna had no answer for that.

 -------

In the small kingdom known as the Southern Isles, there were once two princes. Although you might not have remembered at first, because the elder brother was so boisterous and dazzling that it was easy to forget the younger one even existed. Prince Torvald was remarkable; an accomplished hunter, a spectacular storyteller, able to charm even the most aloof noble, and sure he could be a bit boorish and egotistical at times, but he was a prince! It was to be expected, right?

“We should be grateful we even have a prince at all, let alone two.” People would whisper. “The poor queen had been trying for decades to bear the king a worthy heir, rest her soul.”

“Not sure the other one was worth her effort, though.” Others would grumble. “What’s his name…Hans? What has that one ever done that Prince Torvald didn’t do better? Well, at least we have a spare…”

---

“Is it not a fine day at sea, little brother? Clear skies, calm waters…and across the ocean, the quaint, little, unimportant country of Arendelle awaits the blessed presence of future King Torvald the Mighty!”

Hans tried very hard to suppress a sigh. *Arendelle is bigger than the Southern Isles* he grumbled under his breath.

“What was that?”

“If…Arendelle is so “unimportant”, as you say…why did you bother to come with me?”

“A King never passes up an opportunity to impress other rulers with his might! That’s a lesson you should remember…or not, I suppose.”

*Since I’ll never be a king, you mean*

“Also, I have heard tell that the future queen is quite beauteous. Perhaps she shall prove worthy of the honor of becoming my bride.”

*That was my plan, damn it!*

Torvald laughs obnoxiously and slaps Hans on the back, almost knocking him off his feet. “Fear not, little brother! I have also heard that she has many younger sisters! Perhaps one of them shall take pity on you!”

Sitron knickers at him in concern. Hans shakes it off. “Yes…perhaps. I – um, should go…check on the horses.”

Torvald laughs again and sends him off with another hearty slap. Hans sighs heavily as he tends to Sitron.

“I’m alright, boy.” He murmurs to the horse. “And who knows? Maybe the queen will be smart enough to see my brother for what he really is, and…who am I kidding? She’ll never look at me.”

-----

 (I imagine how this goes is that:

- Hans still meets and bonds with Anna but Torvald swoops in and grabs her attention away since Elsa is ignoring him (and he’s jealous Hans is getting attention for once)

- Elsa still freaks out and runs, Anna still goes after her by herself and leaves Torvald and Hans in charge, Torvald spends most of the time posturing and giving grandiose speeches while Hans actually works to take care of the people and ends up bonding with the other princesses as well

- at the castle Torvald makes Hans go in first and he actually has a conversation with Elsa and bonds with her

- in the end Torvald talks Hans into killing Elsa (because he doesn’t want to dirty his hands, plus then he can make Hans take the blame if things go bad), but Hans hesitates so Torvald tries to do it himself but Anna stops him

- Torvald gets sent back but Hans decides to stay (and clean up his brother’s mess), the sisters all basically adopt him as their new unofficial big brother alongside Kristoff, the end)

 Might expand on this later (like designing the new siblings, or maybe WRITING SOME ACTUAL HELSA IN INSTEAD OF JUST HINTING AT IT.)

Bios for the au siblings under the cut:

I basically just ran down the list of Norwegian girl names for this one (one from each of the first 13 letters that aren’t “a” or “e”), so let me throw out some basic entomology/character stuff for the swap siblings:

Brigitta: 3rd child, in this ‘verse Idunn was probably pregnant with her when the accident happened. Goes between helping Anna keep the younger ones in line and causing problems herself. Has a bit of a superiority complex regarding her status as a princess - acts like she must be better than everyone outside the gates, but really it’s a coping mechanism to help her deal with the isolation she feels. Name means “resolute, strength”.

Cathrine: Name possibly derives from the goddess of witchcraft Hectate, so she’s the spooky, playfully morbid one. Level-headed when she’s not creeping the younger ones out by joking about death. Dina is her younger twin.

Dina: Name comes from the goddess Diana; Roman equivalent to Artemis, goddess of the moon and hunts. She picked up her love of hunting from the hunters who would come and sell fresh meat to the castle cooks, and spend her time stalking the other girls (and their stuffed animals) and sneak-attacking them with her toy bow and arrows.

Frida: Name means “peace”.  A quiet nature-lover who hates conflict, which is ironic because she’s one of a set of triplets and the other two are the most aggressive of the bunch. Ends up being the target of the more aggressive girls a lot because she doesn’t want to fight back, and she’d rather they pick on her than one of the younger girls.

Gunda and Hilda: Names mean “war” and “battle” respectively, and they live up to them. The typical red-headed identical twin duo that’s always causing trouble (except they’re triplets and the other one doesn’t want to play along). Dina can either be their ally or their rival depending on the situation.

Ingrid: Name means “beautiful”- basically she’s the one obsessed with fancy clothes and trying to do everyone’s makeup.

Jorunn: Name means “horse lover” …yeah. Obsessed with horses, spends way too much time in the stables and comes back kinda smelly, biggest dream is to ride freely through the fields of Arendelle, possibly has headcanons of what breed of horse each of her family members would be (with accompanying fanart).

Klara: Name means “clear, bright”. Intelligent and honest, sometimes to a fault. Although she doesn’t like upsetting people, she won’t shy away from telling hard truths. Linda is her twin.

Linda: The most gentle and sensitive of the girls, easily stressed and has a hard time objecting to others because she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. Gets along best with Frida, who tries to protect her from the more rambunctious girls. Name means “soft, mild”.

Mathilde: The youngest of the bunch. Acts out a lot because she knows she can get away with it. Her name means “battle strength”, and she lives up to it by being the most strong-willed and stubborn of the bunch.

 As for Hans’ older brother, he had to be really obnoxious to make up for the fact that there’s only one of him instead of twelve. Torvald means “Thor’s ruler”, and I basically based him off Thor at the beginning of his first movie (minus any of the good traits) – he’s brash, egotistical, and takes his little brother for granted. Unlike Thor, he’s also an emotionally abusive dirty coward with no respect for women or anyone he deems “weaker” than himself (which is pretty much everyone except his father).

(Even though Hans stays in Arendelle in this ‘verse, I think he might end up going back and becoming king of the Southern Isles someday just because I can easily see the kingdom deciding its sick of Torvald’s shit and kicking him out. Maybe he and Elsa end up in a long-distance thing, or they unite their kingdoms or something idk how this works.)

[esbonart]

Dang. Today was kind of a long day. Been doing my best to clean up my property before spring really hits because then the weeds start taking over and you can't pull anything up off the ground. If you can find it! 😄 So I've got things pretty organized and even got a bunch of stuff posted to the Facebook want adds. Already sold a couple things. That money is go straight towards my micro aquaponics farm!❤ I gotta remember to write everything down I sell because this has been about the only income my business has made so far except a door installation. Can't really do much else till after I get my Covid shots now though. Yeah I gotta be careful interacting when selling stuff on Facebook to but it's all pick up only. No deliveries. I was feeling pretty good about myself today until I got invited back to my old church. That kinda threw me off. I miss em all but I'm not going to let it be ok for someone to belittle me and treat me less than a human being just so he can walk around with his nose up looking down at me. No thank you. I won't let him or anyone make excuses to justify treating me less than human. His dad just won't try to see it from my point of view. For some reason I have to be the one who forgives and forgets. Nope. I spent year's giving my respect and kindness to the man even though I knew he jyst didn't like me. I just don't need that in my life. I just want to build my little farm and take care of my fish and try my best to live a happy healthy life without people trying to control me because I'm not like them. I'm never going to be like anyone but myself. I know I'm different. I try to keep an open mind. But I won't keep an open mind to hate upon my person. It just isn't right. I shouldn't have to tolerate being tollerated for absolutely no reason. I'm definitely still hurt by all that B.S. that guy put me through. I just want to live in peace. Why can't I have that? I feel I don't have anyone left in my corner after all that happened. It's just me my cats and my fish. #Stressed #Upset #Hurt #Sad #Depressed #GoodDayGoneBad #Tired #😢 https://www.instagram.com/p/CL0psK9l-Gt7GCHg7-5aVodsMILarJyo8Qdu0c0/?igshid=1f0o10ad43zq1

[uncomfortable-writers]

Trepidatious (Bucky x Reader)

(Gif credit to owner)

Fandom: Marvel

Character: Bucky Barnes

Persona: Female

Word Count: 1,817

Warning: Mentions of extreme anxiety 

Request: Can I request a Bucky imagine where reader has anxiety, she's nervous about everything, and it's easy to make her cry. Maybe a scenario when some of her co-workers pranked her and she got really scared and started crying (you can add a panic attack) and Bucky hears her sobs when he comes to pick her up and calms her down? Thank you dear ❤ 

A/N - I based this off of how my own anxiety feels so if it doesn’t feel right/accurate I’m sorry :( Also my inbox/social media is always open for anyone who needs to talk, I love you all <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey and if any of them give you trouble today, you call alright? Me and Steve will come sort them out right away”, Bucky playfully huffed, even going so far as to puff his chest out dramatically. Even though it was light-hearted you detected the subtle truth behind it; there was no doubt in your mind that Bucky wouldn’t follow through with his promise. You smiled at him, subconsciously squeezing his fingers as you usually did when deep in thought.

Bucky, being ever alert, could tell your anxiety was peaking as you often disconnected from reality when your nerves were bad.

“You know I’d never let anything hurt you”, Bucky stated in a soothing tone, “You’re the most precious thing to me”. He pulled you into a warm hug. Breathing in the scent of his cool, fresh cologne brought you back down to Earth, wrapping your arms around his thick middle you replied, “I know, I love you”. Bucky slowly dropped his arms and pressed a kiss to your forehead, “Go get a move on, you’re going to be late doll”.

You chuckled as you knew you were at least half an hour early, arriving with plenty of time before your shift started was one way you combatted your worry.

“And I’m sure Steve’s getting into all kinds of trouble without you”, you teased,  touching your bag one last time to make you had it, you started to walk towards your work entrance. “Of course he is! Damn kid can’t stay outta it!”, Bucky called getting into his car, “I’ll be here to pick you up at 5 sharp! Have a good day, I love you!”. Smiling to yourself, you opened the doors and let yourself into the office but not before turning around one last time to watch Bucky go. As was the norm Bucky had his head sticking out of the car window, his hand already raised to wave you farewell. After copying his action you finally went inside. The Winter Soldier waited till he saw your figure disappear through the clear-paned doors, and he even waited a few extra minutes just in case you’d forgotten something, but when you never came back out, he decided it was all good for him to leave.

Having your boyfriend drop you into work always left you in good spirits.It set a positive tone for your day, so when you saw your least favourite co-workers huddled together you tried not to let the good vibes falter. You couldn’t help but notice the way their faces seemed to develop sinister smirks, or how their voices became hushed whispers. Trying to push the distress to the back of your mind, you greeted them softly and rushed to your desk, painfully aware of how on edge you could feel yourself becoming.

Pulling out your phone, Bucky had already texted you:

From: Winter Princess <3

Miss you already :((

Don’t stress about ur colleagues, they’re a bunch of asses anyway.

love you xoxo

His message caused you to relax slightly, growing more content you tapped out a reply. Unfortunately for you, you didn’t see your co-workers creeping closer to you, mischief all to clear in their minds.“Hey (Y/N)”, Todd’s voice broke your tranquil state. Your eyes dashed up to see that Todd was in the entryway to your booth while Jessica was leaning on the top of it, an insidious look on her face despite the sickly-sweet smile. Your mouth suddenly felt dryer than a desert, “Can I--um--Can I help you?”, you stammered out.

 It was no secret that recently this pair had become more troublesome than usual. It was nothing too serious, just the occasional tormenting here and there. To anyone else it would’ve seemed like nothing more than playfully work banter, but to you it was so much more. Your anxiety justified it as some personal vendetta that the two had against you, you couldn’t prove this though so you opted to not tell your boss. 

Once Bucky had found that they were causing you hassle, he wanted nothing more than to come into your workplace to shake them up a little, to see how they enjoyed being made to feel purposely uncomfortable. Of course you told him no, your boss would fire you. To say Bucky was overprotective was an understatement but he had good reason to be. You were the most important person to him and he’d be damned if he’d let a bunch of lowlifes upset you, even for a second.

“You can actually”, Jessica chimed, “There’s this totally cool video floating about recently about this new game, have you seen it?”.

You could already feel the sweat forming on your brow, nonetheless you willed yourself to remain calm. “I haven’t actually, what’s it about?”, you hadn’t meant to indulge them in their twisted enjoyment, but it felt rude to tell them to go away and just the mere thought caused more stress. Todd made his way over to your computer, “Oh you’ll just love it, I promise”, he grinned in a friendly manner, although there was nothing friendly about it. 

All you could do was smile meekly as you watched Todd invade your personal area, He pulled up YouTube, clicked on a video and made it full screen. “Watch this”, he instructed before returning to Jessica. You could hear them snickering behind you, instead of focusing on them you put your attention into the video. You were genuinely confused. The video seemed to display a room in which absolutely nothing was happening, it caused you to pay even closer attention to the detail in the video as you were worried you were missing something. And that’s when it happened.

Out of nowhere an ugly, contorted face popped up on the screen accompanied by the loudest, shrillest scream you’d ever heard. One that you were sure would provide you with nightmares if the face didn’t.

You lurched backwards, falling out of your chair. A shout that rivalled the one from the video left your mouth as you started to convulse. Your heart was violently beating so fast that you swear it was causing your ribcage to vibrate. It was a pain like no other. Your lungs couldn’t get in enough air. You scrambled around on the office floor for your phone while your co-workers laughed in hysterics. As you opened up your messaging app, you could already feel pins and needles spreading throughout your body making it harder to type as every few seconds your muscles would intensely shake.

Your brain was in fight or flight mode as you mindlessly texted Bucky. A fresh sob elicited from you every few seconds as the video played on an endless loop in your mind. Your body was feverishly hot, your cheeks like tomatoes, whether from fear or embarrassment or a combination of both, you didn’t know. With your phone in hand, you raced to the restroom too afraid that by staying out in the open something else could hurt you.

“It was only a joke (Y/N)!”, Jessica shouted after you even though barely heard it due to the drumming in your ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m gonna kill ‘em”, Bucky growled, a look on his face that would make even the devil shake. His human hand was turning white from how hard he had it clenched, and he almost ripped the door off it’s hinges when he entered the office. Steve followed closely behind, trying his best to help his friend keep his cool, “Maybe don’t kill them? It’s not very beneficial in the long run”. Bucky shot a glare over his shoulder to the Captain, “Not. Now”.

They made it into the office workspace, Bucky used his skills to survey the area but he couldn’t see you. However, he did notice Jessica and Todd with sheepish looks on their features. Bucky’s boots thundered on the floor as he stomped over to them, he didn’t even need to get close to see how much they were shaking.

“Look we didn’t know alri--”, “Save it”, Bucky spat interrupting Todd’s poor excuse, “Just tell me where (Y/N) is”. Jessica gulped, “She’s in the women’s restroom”. The air in the office froze due to the cold coming from behind Bucky’s eyes. Your co-workers didn’t realise that you knew the Avengers let alone date one of them. “You go make sure she’s okay, I’ll see to these”, Steve quipped, rapidly adapting his Captain persona, an intimidating expression furrowed his brows. Bucky didn’t bother to wait around to hear the upcoming lecture from Steve.

Upon approaching the restroom, Bucky knocked softly on the door before entering. 

“(Y/N)?”, he called out gently as to not frighten you. All of the anger and rage he felt quickly dispersed as he looked for you, feeling only sadness and a need to comfort you take its place. His ears picked up muffled cries. He followed it to the stall it was coming from. “(Y/N)? It’s me, it’s your Bucky”, he repeated in a steady whisper, giving the stall door a light nudge. The light poured in to reveal you sat on the toilet lid, your knees pulled into your chest as you rocked slightly. Your head tucked away. “It’s me doll, you’re safe now”, Bucky dropped to his knees to be level with you. 

The noise of his movements caused you to lift your head slowly, still afraid of what you might see. Bucky’s blue eyes held nothing but love for you, his smile was warm and inviting, an incentive to go to him but you felt like you couldn’t move. Everything was stiff from fear, stress and paranoia. Ever so gradually, Bucky moved his hands until they touched your legs on either side. He drew patterns into the fabric covering them while murmuring sweet nothings about how you were safe now, coaxing you out of your defensive position.

In a flash you were pressed into Bucky’s chest. His arms around you in a protective cocoon. 

“I was so scared”, you hiccuped, “It came out of nowhere”. New cries racked your body, Bucky did his best to calm them as he stroked your hair. “Nothing can hurt you now baby, you know I’d never let anything harm you”. Your arms were locked around his neck. Kiss after kiss Bucky placed on your temple, reassuring you every few second. When he could no longer feel your heartbeat stammering in your chest, or feel your body jolt from your cries, he rose slowly with you still encased in his arms.

“Where are we going?”, you sniffled. “I’m taking you home doll, then I’m going to run you a nice bath and wash your hair. After that we’re gonna eat some ice cream and you can pick any movie you want to watch”, he replied, pressing you closer to him. “Even chick flicks?”. A light chuckle rumbled through Bucky’s chest, “Even chick flicks”.

[sonicrevival]

Reunions: Chapter 1 of 4: Preparation

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I STOPPED POSTING HERE LIKE AN IDIOT

Okay, back in the game now, time for the second and final of the “End of comic baggage” arcs, that being the stuff I needed to get out of the way before I could start really telling my own stories.

Sonic: Revival- Reunions

Chapter 1 of 4: Preparation

The first thing Sally did after her return to life was sleep. Three months of uninterrupted consciousness had to come to an end, even if she hadn’t technically needed to rest during that time. Once she woke up the following day, however, she sat down at Tails’ kitchen table with Sonic, Amy, Rotor, Silver, and Tails himself. Nicole and Emerl lingered nearby. Charles had returned to the city, bidding fond farewells to each of them, leaving the Freedom Fighters and their new friends to their own devices. “I have a plan,” Sally stated, tenting her fingers as she leaned against the table. “I have been waiting too long to hear that again,” Sonic grinned. Sally smiled back at him, then focused once again. “We’re going to get the Republic back. We’re going to oust Naugus, and we’re going to make some reforms… But we need to be stronger first,” She began. “I like that idea, but how are we going to do it. With what Naugus is pulling, if we run in there and beat him down, he’ll probably spin that as us being the villains,” Nicole sighed. “Well, there goes my idea,” Emerl shrugged. “How is this guy even making himself look like the good guy anyway. From what Nicole’s told me, he’s not a good actor.” “Mind control,” Tails replied. “Huh?!” Half the room turned to look at him. “Can he do that?” Amy asked. “I thought that was Mogul’s thing…” Sonic mumbled. “Then again, the shadow magic somewhat came out of nowhere, I remember him being more about the four elements before…” Nicole murmured, stroking her chin. Silver paused for a moment, then sighed, and spoke up. “I have more information on that front, actually.” “Oh?” “Yes. Sally, your brother and I have been working together with a few others behind the scenes. We uncovered a plot on Naugus’ part to brainwash the council. We stopped him, and did a number on him, but I don’t know if it’ll keep him down.” “Hm, useful information,” Sally nodded. “Also, worrying. As belligerent as the Council have been, they’re the only thing between him and absolute power. Still, is Elias okay?” “Last I checked, he was,” Silver replied. “That’s good to know. Thank you, Silver,” Sally smiled. “Does Uncle Chuck know the danger he was in?” Sonic asked. “Yes, he does. He helps our team move around so we informed him. Unfortunately, he’s the only one that knows,” Silver explained. “Because of that, he can’t really do a whole lot. If he tells the others what Naugus is planning, well, Naugus can just ask how he found that out…” “We need at least four of the Council on our side. Before, we could rely on Elias to tiebreak in our favour, but now that Naugus is in charge, and he’s the one we’re trying to get rid of…” Tails frowned. “We can count on Sir Charles, and Isabella,” Nicole added. “Mom doesn’t like the Acorns much, but I think I can convince her that Naugus is worse,” The fox brightened a little. “That’s just three…” Sonic sighed. “Besides, isn’t the big issue getting him to be seen as the bad guy by the public?” “Depends what sort of mind control it is. If he has to keep it maintained to keep people following him, then we can just knock him out and it should wear off…” Tails explained. “I hope it’s that kind!” Emerl piped up. “It isn’t… but I know what his power source is,” Sally replied. “What we need to do is take that Chaos Emerald away from him, and his whole plan should come crashing down…” “Wait, how do you know that?” Sonic asked. “I had Eggman’s database in my head, and the two of them were colluding,” Sally replied. “That’s how he knew when Elias was leaving the city… Sonic, is… is Antoine...” “He’s alive, but he’s in a coma,” Sonic replied gravely. “Bunnie ran after that… I think she went to get stronger, somehow… but I don’t like what that might mean…” “Huh? What do you mean, Sonic?” Amy asked. “She made me promise to not talk about this…” He sighed. “I don’t wanna break that trust, but this is important.” “Is this about her Uncle?” Sally asked. “Her Uncle?!” Tails, Amy, Rotor, and Nicole balked. “I didn’t know she had an Uncle…” “You knew?” Sonic stared at her. “Of course I knew,” Sally replied, leaning against the table. “Bunnie is one of my best friends, she told me everything. And after what happened with Fiona, I’ve been running tighter background checks on everyone outside of the original five and Nicole.” “Oh yeah, you asked me a bunch of questions a while ago,” Amy nodded, smiling in realisation. “So that’s what it was all about.” “Yes. And while I respect Bunnie’s want to keep this secret, we’re going to have to head after her before we make a move. She’s part of that stronger base I want. So, since you’re about to find out anyway… Bunnie’s uncle, Beauregard Rabbot, is a Grandmaster.” “WHAT!?” “You don’t think she’s, erm, ended up as part of his Legion, do you?” Silver spoke up. He chose his words carefully… Sonic’s reactions to his accusations during his hunt for the traitor had been… aggressive, and even now, the blue hedgehog was giving him a look. Clearly, he had caught the unspoken meaning behind his question… “Bunnie wouldn’t do that. Even if she’s desperate for a way to get her cybernetics back and strike back against Eggman, she wouldn’t deliver herself to him.” Amy protested. “No, she wouldn’t. And I don’t think Beauregard would properly legionise her. He’s not a bad guy,” Sonic folded his arms. “Er, he works for the guy that made Sally into a robot with bomb inside her,” Emerl shrugged. “Not really by choice. The local Freedom Fighter group, the Sandblasters, practically forced out everyone that was once a Robian. They don’t trust anybody that was ever forced into Eggman’s control, and that left a lot of people with nowhere to turn except to Eggman himself. It’s a vicious cycle, and the only person that benefited from it was Eggman.” “I don’t like these Sandblaster guys. I think I wanna punch ‘em,” The Gizoid glowered. “So does this mean that Bunnie is safe? Will Beauregard help her?” “I don’t know…” Sally shook her head. “He’s a more honourable man than most of Eggman’s minions, and I don’t think Eggman knew she was there… if he did, he would’ve had her sent to him… But we can’t be sure of his underlings’ intentions for her…” “So we have to get her back,” Rotor frowned. “Yes. Fortunately, I’ve worked out what to do…” Sally stood up, folding her arms behind her back. “We’re going to split into two groups. One will go after Bunnie, and the other will make preparations for our move on the city, by rendezvousing with Silver’s team. There are eight of us, so two teams of four.” “Who’s going on each one?” “The team going after Bunnie are going to be landing right in the middle of a Legion Chapter and a group of renegade Freedom Fighters. They’re going to need to be fast about it, and we have no transport with the Tornado down… So I’m sending Sonic, Tails, and Emerl. Nicole, you work well with Emerl, so you’ll be going with them.” “Works for me!” Emerl pumped her fist. “Yeah, we can handle that!” Sonic nodded. “We’ll do our best,” Tails smiled. “You can count on us, Sally,” Nicole added. “Good. Silver, you’re going to take myself, Rotor, and Amy back to the city as quietly as possible. We’ll coordinate with your team and make our plans to oust Naugus that way.” “Yes, your highness,” He saluted. Sally laughed slightly, as the Freedom Fighters sighed, Sonic’s palm meeting his face. “Please, just call me Sally. I’ve never cared for formalities,” She smiled. “Oh, right, sorry,” Silver blushed awkwardly. “In any case… let’s get going.” *** Emerl wasn’t familiar with the Great Desert region, but with Nicole’s assistance, she was still able to get them into the general area with her Chaos Control. “Glad I’m sandproof,” She folded her arms. “So, what’s the plan? We’re landing in the middle of an active war between some bad guys and some slightly less bad but still bad guys.” “I have an idea, actually,” Nicole spoke up, her avatar resting on Emerl’s shoulder. “Most of the Desert Legion are only loyal to Eggman because they have to be. He has various methods of keeping them under control, but mostly he uses a surgically implanted cherry bomb inside the victim’s skull. They turn against him, he blows them up.” “I am really starting to regret not putting my fist through his chest when I had the chance,” The Gizoid growled. Sonic and Tails gave each other uncertain looks. “I intend to disable the bombs,” Nicole announced. “Due to the situation they’re in, they’ve made a fully functioning city of their own. If it weren’t under Eggman’s control, there would be substantially fewer problems with it. Once that’s done, it would be easier to justify removing the Sandblasters.” “I like it!” Sonic grinned. “How are we going to get you in, though?” Tails asked. “We’ll need a distraction… and I don’t think we can rely on Jack and his minions to be helpful. Added, I don’t want to give them the chance to kill any innocent people or cause damage…” Nicole mused, stroking her chin. “Wait, when Bunnie and I were here before, we managed to wreck a foundry by pretending to fight. Tails and I won’t even need to keep up the illusion, we can just focus on doing some damage,” Sonic snapped his fingers. “That should work…” “Whaddya say, buddy? Feel like having a cathartic throwdown with some bots?” Sonic grinned at the fox. “Yeah, that should really get some of the stress off,” He nodded. “Awesome. What about Emerl?” The blue hedgehog glanced at the two machines. “Emerl will be taking me into the base. She’s strong enough to punch through anything in our way, should the place go on lockdown. Ultimately, our goal will be find Bunnie. Beauregard won’t trust me, but he might trust her. That will be our best shot.” “I will endeavour to try and avoid punching anyone too hard,” Emerl announced. “Alright then, let’s go!” Sonic turned, racing off in a cloud of sand. Tails shrugged and followed, as Emerl rose up, aiming herself toward the base. *** Beauregard Rabbot stepped into his office, slumping down in his chair with a sigh. Meetings with Eggman after he had lost something major were always a unique kind of stressful. There was nothing quite as terrifying as watching an old man have an extended temper-tantrum when that old man also had the power to end your life with the touch of a button if you so much as breathed out of turn. This time, it seemed that the shiny new Death Egg was grounded permanently after Sonic and his friends stole its power source. Lien-Da and most of her legion were also gone, not dead, just… gone. He wouldn’t say where, but given Eggman’s reaction, Beauregard didn’t think it was a voluntary thing on their part, nor something that Eggman himself did. He had also lost something else, but at that point, Eggman became unintelligible with rage and the video conference had ended shortly afterwards. Aside from the hazard to his health, Beauregard couldn’t help but feel a certain sense of relief from the news, however. He had never been the most loyal to the Eggman Empire, rather, it was the only place that would accept him and everyone else who had once been a Robian, at least within a practical distance. The dramatic upswing in Eggman’s progress had been worrying, and hearing that it had petered out and gone into reverse was something he could live with. In the end, it had been easy for him to choose his family over the Empire. Bunnie had arrived a few weeks after the launch of the Death Egg, and Beauregard’s face-to-face introduction to what had become of his niece’s best friend. He had no love for the Acorn family, but everything he had heard about Princess Sally had told him that she was far from the dubious standard set by her lineage, and a bright hope for the future of the Republic. To him, she was far more Bunnie’s friend than Maximilian’s progeny. Bunnie had arrived with worse news. Ixis Naugus had taken control of New Mobotropolis, her friends had fractured apart, and her husband was in a deathly coma. Beauregard had never met Antoine DeCoolette, but hearing Bunnie talk about him made it clear that he would definitely have liked to. Attempts to comfort her by pointing out that she had at least finally been deroboticized had not gone well. It turned out that her state was the result of Naugus’ magic, and on the following mission, she had forgotten to bring any weapons- Years of having integrated weaponry and super-strength had made her used to not using them, and she’d just not remembered- and that resulted in her getting knocked out by Mecha Sally and directly led to her being unable to protect Antoine from his fate. He took her in and provided her with a room, making sure to keep her hidden from all but his most trusted men. Those he knew would not reveal her presence to Eggman just for a quick promotion. He promised her that he would give her any good developments on the situation with Eggman, and he would do anything she needed to get her back on her feet. He’d spat his coffee out when she came to him a month later and asked to be turned back into a cyborg. “Darlin’, I understand why you’re sayin’ this,” He had said, looking down at her. She met his eyes with a steely gaze of her own, more determined than he had ever seen her. “But… It ain’t that simple anymore. If I use the legion tech on you, you’re never going to be normal again.” “Bein’ a cyborg is normal for me. I had long accepted that I was never gonna be completely flesh-and-blood again, before Naugus did that to me. Sure, I wanted to be turned back… but when it happened, it cost me everythin’...” Reluctantly, he had agreed. He couldn’t argue with his niece’s decision. When she had arrived, she looked lost and confused. She had later admitted that she had come to him because she panicked and didn’t have anyone else to turn to. But now there was a fire in her eyes that wasn’t going to be doused by anything. It took him another whole month to find a Legion tech that was more loyal to him than to Eggman. He had no intention of allowing anyone to put an explosive in Bunnie’s head. The operation had taken several hours, but he made sure to use the finest parts he had access to, and it ultimately went smoothly. Bunnie walked out of the operating theatre on a new pair of mechanical legs, her left arm glinting in the sunlight. He had his questions about the single arm, but she had explained to him that she had developed her own fighting style based around having a single strong arm and a single dextrous one. Now, just over a month later, she was ready to leave. She had packed up the room she had been sleeping in that morning, though she didn’t have a lot of personal belongings with her. A gentle knocking on his door alerted him to her presence, and he quickly opened it, allowing her to step inside. She had a duffle bag over her shoulder, her hat was back on, and she’d pulled her hair back into a rough ponytail. She wrapped her arms around him, smiling. “Thanks for everythin’, Uncle Beau,” She said, speaking quietly. “You’re welcome, Bunnie. I’m glad I could help you,” He replied. “All things considered, now is probably a good time for you to make your move. I just got out of a meeting with the doctor, and he’s beyond mad.” “Oh?” “Yeah, apparently your friends stole the power supply to his Death Egg and grounded it at the north pole. Lien-Da’s entire legion has apparently vamoosed somewhere, and he lost something else that he was too angry to actually annunciate.” “That’s great news!” Bunnie beamed. True, she had wanted to be ready in time to help turn the tide, but adding her own power to the mix while Eggman was already on the back foot could probably secure a much greater comeback, since she wouldn’t be expected. “I thought you might be pleased,” He chuckled. “Any news on Sally?” “None, I’m afraid. But I know you can bring her in, Bunnie. I made sure of it,” He replied. “You’ll get your friend back, I promise.” “Alright then, I guess I-” Before Bunnie could finish, a siren began to blare, and Beauregard’s screen lit up. “ALERT. FREEDOM FIGHTER PRESENCE DETECTED. ALERT. PRIORITY: ONE.” “Sonic? What’s he doin’ here? He’s supposed to be chasin’ Sally-gal…” Bunnie frowned. “He probably worked out you’d be here and wants to get a little more backup, I guess…” The older rabbit shrugged. “What’s he actually doin’ out there?” “Looks like he’s just tryin’ to draw attention to himself… So yeah… I think that’s your ride.” “I guess so. Thanks again, Uncle Beau,” She hugged him as tightly as she could without hurting his back. “Love you.” “Love you too, Bunnie.” *** Sonic and Tails had been expecting a welcoming committee of heavily-armed robots and legionnaires. They hadn’t been expecting a single person to fly out to meet them. They certainly hadn’t expected that person to be Bunnie. Immediately, all three of them embraced, Bunnie immediately blurting out apologies for her sudden exit. “Bunnie, it’s okay,” Sonic replied. “You were going through something impossible, it’s okay to freak out when stuff like that happens.” “Yeah, everyone reacts to things like that differently. We can’t hold anything against you,” Tails added, before he noticed the cold feeling of the arm around him. “But, you’re… y’know, metal again.” “Yeah, I know. I made sure Uncle Beau was watchin’, no bombs for me, but I had to do it. This is who I really am, guys. I accepted that a long time ago, and if I wanna get my best friend back and protect my husband, that’s who I gotta be,” She separated from them, clenching her mechanical fist. “Well, uh, Sally’s back.” “Wait, really? That’s great!” Bunnie pulled him into a back-breaking hug, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. “I knew you could do it!” “Well, technically Nicole and her new robot buddy did most of the work,” He wheezed. “Don’t sell us short, Sonic. We did manage to catch her and start bringing her home. Nicole and Emerl just pulled our fat out of the fryer when Eggman decided he wasn’t going to give up,” Tails interjected. “How is she?” Bunnie asked, releasing Sonic. “Safe, happy, and back to organic,” Tails replied. “The operation to make deroboticization possible again was a difficult one, but we managed to make it work. She went back to the city with Amy, Rotor, and Silver. They’re going to meet up with Silver’s team and make a plan to overthrow Naugus. She asked us to come out here and bring you home, so the team can all be back together.” “All of us? Is Antoine…?” “Alive, stable, still out, I’m afraid,” Sonic sighed. “That said, I haven’t been home since just after you left, so maybe there’s been some change… We’ll find out when we all get back.” “Yeah, I suppose. A part of me hopes he didn’t wake up to find me missin’...” “I’m sure he’d understand, Bunnie,” Tails put his hand on her shoulder. “I know. But that doesn’t make it better… Anyway, you mentioned Nicole got a new robot buddy?” “Yes, right!” Sonic nodded. “Her name’s Emerl, and she’s crazy-strong. Technically she’s something that the Brain Trust found and worked on before Fi told ‘em that just one of that sort of robot went crazy and wiped out a civilisation. Also, we think she can copy attacks.” “Huh… glad she’s on our side,” Bunnie mused. “Yeah, that’s why we made sure that only Sally or Nicole could activate her. Fortunately, she and Nicole seem to get on really well, and they’ve been working as a team. They helped save Sally, and Emerl took down an Egg Beater single-handedly!” Tails beamed. “Geesh… So where are they? I wanna meet this new friend of yours.” The reunion was interrupted by a streak of blue slamming down on the opposite side of the fortress wall, smoke beginning to rise from where it struck the ground. “Er, that would be her right there,” Tails mumbled. “Y’see, Nicole had this plan…”

_________________________________________________

If Beauregard seems inconsistent in these two chapters, compared to his comic self, yeah that’s what happens when you have a two-parter that ends with him and Bunnie effectively deciding that they’re enemies first and family second, and then have Bunnie immediately go to him when the plot decides to write her out.

I’ll go into greater detail much further down the line, but basically, seeing the weaponised Mecha Sally, learning about the World Roboticizer, and realising all that those two things implied prompted him to maybe realise that the Acorn Republic was the lesser of two evils now.

Also in this chapter, I will be trying to dodge around any and all connections between the Acorn/Baronies conflict and the American Civil War because yikes.

Also Silver told Sally and co. about the Secret FF because keeping secrets from your own side is pretty darn silly.

[leadkiss]

out of context mst3k prompts

[+]  —  a whole bunch of lines taken completely out of context from the mystery science theater 3000 reboot. feel free to adjust wording, pronouns, etc. 

“We have achieved bug snugness.” “The ocean needs a Brita filter.” “Right. Hack the planet. Good.” “That seems heavy.” “Guys, a lot of people died!” “Don’t ever sublet your apartment to some polar bears.” “Nap time got out of control.” “Make ’em tight, it’s okay. I’m into it.” “I’m talking coffee-you-could-sue-a-Starbucks-over hot.” “Is my other choice burning to death?” “And it’s actually BerenSTAIN Bears, not BerenSTEIN!” “You did a hell of job, considering the body count.” “You’re all over the map, but… thank you.” “Smells like bros in here.” “I don’t think a party is really appropriate, what with the streets clogged with corpses and all.” “Pinky promise that you’ll go right back to the brig?” “This feels like an after school special about alcoholism.” “I just had the strangest waking dream!” “Hey, are you still talking?” “You’re sitting on it.” “Just a haiku I’m working on.” “That monster’s huge, let’s get out of here!” “Take your time, guys. Slow jog. Save your energy.” “Hey, my tax dollars paid for that.” “Somebody’s gotta teach this lord of lies some manners, and obviously it’s gotta be me.” “I liked it before the remodeling, when it was on fire.” “There is nothing not gross about this guy.” “He’s like if a puka shell necklace was a person.” “I don’t think about anything.” “I wasn’t paying attention.” “Hold on, let me get this straight. You guys got drunk without me?” “Closure attained.” “No horseplay.” “Hey, we’re fleein’ here!” “Let’s rock and roll. Metaphorically speaking, of course. We can’t sing or play.” “I’ll give him this: he stays on point.” “That’s what heroes do.” “What WON'T Elon Musk launch into space?” “How do you do this again? Oh, whatever.” “And it ends as it began: as a garbage fire.” “I think I just blinded myself with science.” “If it wasn’t for these blinds, it’d be curtains for me.” “Time for you to say please.” “Oh, am I supposed to keep talking?” “Try pushing one of those 900 buttons in front of you.” “Stop, drop and freak out.” “Use your words.” “Top that, if you dare.” “Does it still fail the Bechdel Test if the man they’re talking about turned into a glob?” “See you tomorrow night, potential danger.” “This would be easier if I knew what I was looking for.” “I hate younger me!” “I have nothing but regrets!” “How many of these are just you alone watching Friends?” “Don’t talk to the Lovecraftian obelisk, dear!” “Wise men still seek it.” “There’s an upstairs?” “Thanks for humoring me, kid.” “Well, bleach my blonde!” “Use the soap, you’ve been touching horses and aliens all day.” “It’s so much work to use the bathroom in this thing.” “If that doll gets up, I’m out of here.” “I wouldn’t have done it that way, but… it’s a start.” “Keep not solving the problem, lady.” “This is even better than that time I got to pet two corgis in one day!” “You really gotta give the people what they want: a show!” “Slow down. You’re throwing way too many concepts at me.” “There’s a monster at the end of this scene, and it’s me.” “Looks like a million ghost children gave it high fives.” “I am not good at this.” “That one was an accident!” “I can’t believe we wore the same thing.” “Nothing turns a man on like implying he’s too delicate to lift a book.” “I want in on those giggles.” “Where are you going? I wanna go too.” “You’re probably gonna die.” “That guy makes a terrible kite.” “I don’t think I need to justify that.” “Joke’s on you. I don’t even remember who we’re talking about.” “It’s like watching toddlers pretend to argue.” “Never wear white to a suicide mission.” “It’s okay! We all get cranky when stuff tries to strip our skin off our skeleton.” “God really knew what he was doing in not having human males grow antlers.” “It just seems reckless to hand over the explosives to the piranhas.” “At this point I’m just stress eating.” “This is so much better than shooting him.” “I scheduled a cruise for us so we can recover from all this stuff.” “Hey, does anyone know what we’re supposed to be doing?” “If they spot us, we’ll start making out, okay?” “You’re not paying enough attention to me!” “Sorry, I’m being weird and mysterious. My name is ________.”

[determined-magi]

“ Et tu, brother? “

Thannor doesn’t respond, he just grumbles under his breath. If it wasn’t for who it was, he would’ve likely growled to be left alone, but then now he’s got exactly who he just needed. Even if he knew he wouldn’t get an answer, at the least empathic company would be of some comfort.

“ You were spying Rho? “

“ No, but I did get sight of Fleur, and supposed in a way you both were to talk, rather sooner than later it appears. “ He sighs, glancing both at his hands and then at him directly. “ How are you, by the way? are they still bleeding? “

“ Ye, turns out those fuckin grey were right, probably right about lost too, after all the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. “

“ So Fleur lied, can see on a side, still... kind of hurts knowing they don’t trust us, but then... “

“ Can’t really blame ‘em can we? Not like we’re not going to turn into a bunch of murdering idiots down the line, heh... already getting there ourselves little by little, aren’t we? “

“ Oi... I’d like to say we should have a more positive view, but... eh, it is getting harder by the days. We betrayed our kingdom... built an army or thieves, bandits and outcast of the law...  “

“ Raided our people, stole their goods, killed people while at it. Lied for our own purposes... “

“ ... “

“ Guess we really are not meant to be the good guys are we? “

Both laugh, it feels a little amused at first, and then it just drops in a defeated sigh of both. Stopping them on their tracks right at a stream, at which they just take seat and let their legs soak in the water. Arms lifted over the other’s shoulder on a tight grip.

“ Rho? “

“ Yes Tei Tei? “

“ Why are we even doing this anymore? “

The mage is silent for a while, before both let go of one another as they lay the rest of their body down. That... that was honestly beginning to be a good question, if the judge was honest. The more time went, the more reports, orders, and letters he had read, the more he found himself getting fed up.

They had made a good call to have relocated their families, “their former abodes had already gone through attempts. Vandals, thieves, murderers and the like, finding nothing just bare simple things they couldn’t move quickly enough without attention. Gil’s family inn had been breached, Braigon’s home burnt, Agar’s raided and broken down. The academy had been raided by the counsil itself, and most of the things not hidden lost... and the others burnt or torn to the ground as the building was destroyed. Few remains of her work there survived, not all he life’s work, but a good number with some important ones...

It was... discouraging, enraging too. How quick they were to act, as if awaiting all their lives to do so, just the little mistakes to justify the actions. All their works, all their deeds and things they tried to prove themselves to their people, and it meant nothing in the end. It felt like an insult, much like he supposed the former prince felt. it was... infuriating, unfair. And if it wasn’t enough? they already had to deploy people to stall campaings from beginning, some people already were trying to jump over innocents, and some reports... some reports made it hard not to feel like his magic mostly felt, even... vengefull, if he was honest...

Sometimes he forgot just how putrid, their kingdom was, how corrupted, he sighs, he... he wasn’t one to vouch for violence, but damn... the way things were? It felt like some purge was going to be needed to make it better.

He... didn’t want to do that, now, did he?

“ I... I don’t know, I would say because it is the right thing to do. But then, trying to do things the right way didn’t work, trying to do them the wrong obviously won’t either... “ He closes his eyes, he rubs his eyes with his palms. While feets splash against the water to attempt for some distraction. “ We’ve lived our lives adapting to become something, which could fit in a world that did not wish us, and had its own wishes for us to be. If I am honest Tei... I’m beginning to feel like we should just give ‘em what they want, because no matter what we do, it seems like the world is bent on turning us the villians... “

“ Ye... I hate it too. For once I want change, but turns out change wasn’t enough, hell... might’ve even been all just a fuckin farse and what I’ve done was meant fer nothing... “

“ I... doubt it was for nothing, though... he did seem to enjoy a few things, I spoke to him a while ago, he said the thing was just a job, but really he was just being an stubborn kid, like you when you don’t admit you’ve grown fond of him. “

“ Well- “

“ Let me finish, please. I saw how things were to an extent, really, it is more than just a job. He can deny it all he wants, but this... us? We became some sort of therapy to him... “

“ Then why the hell would he lie then? “ he gestures as he changes position to lean with and arm “ How can we be therapy and a stress source all the same? “

“ Suppose similar way to how he puts you on a pedestal... “

“ But... we’ve fuckin done everything to show them we meant well, Rho, what else can we do then? You yourself had done it too, and he still doesn’t trust just any better, and what if it was all a farse, like they said? They seem good as pretending as much as coming up with reasons to, just look at your own friend! He’s not even shown a single footprint in months, not even when you- “

Rho flinches, and he stops talking, looking away as he bites his tounge. That... that was a sore spot he got carrier away with, no need to put a finger with salt on the wound. His magic seems apologetic at him as much as he is, letting a low regretfull groan as he himself turns the other way in shame.

“ I... I don’t really have anything to say on it, Tei, I really don’t... even I don’t know what could be done. In the end, it is not something we can help with, I... I honestly don’t think all is a lie, I pray it isn’t... but we can’t change that side of them... “

“ But they can change that side of us and ask for things? That’s not how it works in any way, this is a two way, not one. “

“ No... no we don’t. But that’s not something we can teach them by words, is it? “

“ Wish it wasn’t... “ the man says, before pulling out numbed limbs and covering them once more. “ I fuckin hate it sometimes, ye know? Not being able to convey things like I wish I could. ”

“ Everyone has those problems Tei, we all do... some are more evident than others, us for example. A few monsters too, a lot of them actually. More so in the presence of humans and... well, people like us. “

“ Really? “

“ Yeah! I remember a fox monster running about, male. My magic was bonkers around the guy, he was really timid because of it, if not afraid of me, on a convoy we settled some of it. I managed to sort ourselves and help him see things, and we got to be rather decent pals! Even if my magic still is... hostile. Sometimes when I have the time and see him I try to have some fun with him on the trees. “

“ Sounds great... “

He smiles, though somewhere in there is sad really, Rho pulls him into a hug the second he catches that. Thannor doesn’t pull away, like he usually would, if anything he pushes his head towards his, forehead against one another, before brushing sides as his magic for once chuffs, followed by a soft growl. His just answers with a little whine, empathic, and knowing.

“ Things will get sorted out Tei... I’m sure when you both talk it will get better, you just need to have an honest talk eye to eye, I’m sure you can both reach an agreement, you’re dense people, but not impossible... Besides, you both are not too different, you can reach some common ground together... “

“ And how will I do that? “ He groans defeated, before letting his face rest in his palms, it sounds rather defeated. “ How am I supposed to speak if I can’t even think straight, I can’t talk with him like this, let alone fuckin express when my brain hasn’t even processed things rationally enough. “

“ Well, first and foremost we can... I do not know, sort them out you and I, help you untangle the ideas forming, what’s in your mind, organize it and perhaps ease some of them that can be helped right now. Then? We can just let things cool down enough to form some ideas and how you can approach to this... “

“ Did sis teach ye this? “

“ Yeah, remember that phase when Agar and I bickered a lot? The sudden drop out? That was her interfering, quite literally. kicking both our asses and talking to us each for it... you know? We really should join up all and give her something for that the shit she puts up with from us... “

“ Ye... Anyways. Ye’re saying? “

It took less than he thought it would.

The mage had returned not too long after, it wasn’t many hours, perhaps a pair at most, or so. They both adressed one another’s own issues. It had been... not bad, but not the most instructive of things, it did however give them some guides to do things. Each to their own.

He wasn’t exactly on a better mood, he did feel better about a few things though, and certainly didn’t feel as prone to make something stupid. So he called it a good time as any to make things... well, better, in haste somewhat too, given he hadn’t even given a clue on the stance of things, a mistake on his part on the hasty need to leave before things escalated on the wrong way. Hoping he still had at least some moment o clarify things, and set themselves to have some time to talk when the chance arises.

Surely if he had been there to have some moment with them, and given himself the trouble he did, he could at least wait a little...

...

Not really.

He doesn’t react immediately, instead he moves in to take a seat by the fire. Hands clenched tight to the point of bleeding once more. Silence reigns in his room, perhaps the forest, he’s not really sure.

The next moment? He’s got torn rags on his hands, and a mess of gloves, a few hours worth of work ruined chest plates, as well as hands covered in blood and cuts. A man lays on the ground, knocked out and, if his nose is right, likely with some bleeding from how hard they smacked the ground. Foot steps already sounding outside, likely people coming in to see what was the ruckus.

Thankfully the others were already trying to get them to not peek in, and one of them would come instead. He doesn’t say anything, but Rho keeps im company for the rest of the night, already knowing something didn’t really go well.

The smith doesn’t say anything either, choosing to go back to work and calm himself, smashing metals with a worrying fervor through crimson painted bandages, and grunts of pain from hands already abused enough.

None of the other mages say anything, even if worry itself was present on their faces, not like they could do anything to get him off that mood.

[yourflygirlslittlegenital]

Transgender Day of Remembrance - Some thoughts

Well, some years ago I organised a Tdor demonstration in Berlin, Brandenburger Tor, legally, with fuckin cop protection (what an irony) and today it is also time to remember some things which are always coming between us activists.

If I want to talk about my discrimination experiences, it is always hard to find a language. I know which words are wrong and I also know which definitions are bad and wrong. This is a result of my discrimination experiences. And I want to use this.

So I don´t use the words “trans” and “cis” and “inter” anymore. My experience is that people assosiate the “right” things with them, the things that the media tells them - mentally disturbed ugly men who want to become women by starting to cloth and style different, strange gay people in coloured bad choosen outfits dancing with unicorns in worn out hillybilly 80s discotheques. Sometimes even I am associate this. You know, all this is not my style. It´s not my life nor what I want to become. I fley the “lgbtiq*” community because I made just worse and worse experiences there. Exploitations (of the discrimination and “outsider” experiences and “identity”), exclusions, foreign determination and other forms of hierarchies and disrespect seemed common there, the music was shite and boring and the “artists” mostly untalented, uninspiring and really bad in what they did.

I never enjoyed these “queer parties” doesn´t matter if it were these typical “homo parties” with terrible 80s sound and German pop folk music or these black leather and whip parties where half of the crowd was having these exaggerated kajal & mascare “designs” while praying for some catholic punishment and ketamine in front of some always the same sounding heavy dark electro/dark techno that was yet banned out of the real club discos for several years nor these “lalalala i am a sweet pink riotgrrrl with a guitar” singsangsong concerts with always the same riffs, paroles and attitudes. “We” weren´t really accepted there ... hell no. Worst were these hippsterish feminist parties where half of the crowd was wearing these boring “don´t beat me” glasses which I am calling “career glasses” where you have to discuss anything about what you “may” do and what not including to define yourself while boring nasal voiced radio music is played in the background and no action is allowed because this is attended to be “unqueer” and therefor ... sexistic and patriarchal.

Anyhow, my taste in music and style was always (made) a problem in these scenes and to different to them and their collective taste in these seemed always to be the evidence of a crime. So I quit these scenes. And their language.

Also my experience is that feminists never really show distance from “cuntists” which disguise themselves as “(terf-) feminists” just to exclude and mock other women for this or that physical attribute, a very sick and ugly form of repeating mistakes you suffered from yourself before. These cuntists, as also the big and never really overcome reference to the cunt as the “core of all feminine” in feminism passed finally to bring me far away from this little sweet pseudoposition called feminism. And I think its more a form of a mask/identity nowadays than a real position. Because most things regarding stereotype genders are nowadays so clear that no one needs to build an ideology or position around it. Sure, this is also a result of the painful process of mass mind assignment and the bourgeoise education technics, but sorry, I can´t take anyone playing the fulltime macho/machista OR feminist serious. Both positions are quite too exaggerated, dumb and unhuman because so many evil shit has taken place in the last time in the name of feminism (also, especially against wrong assigned, inter and trans and other disadvantaged ppl.) while beeing/acting as a macho / machista is a selfevident thing to be wrong, stupid and to avoid for thousands of reasons.

So I am doing my activism just with a bunch of friends who have the same or similar claims, ideas and fights - we are all aware of the fact that the word “trans” f.e. is not only poisoned by the media and nothing to take or even be proud of - it is yet wrong and derrogative in its meaning.

Take the chemistry of old greek language - if two things are “cis”, it means they are on the same side while “trans” means in f.e. a molecule that the second thing is “on the other side”. There is also ortho (next side), para (two sides away) and so on. But only cis means “both together”. Yet this shows how stupid it is to repeat calling yourself (a) “trans” / “transgender” / “transsexual” while not having any serious problem with the shape of your body. Accepting the word “trans” means accepting the ideology of the “right” and the “wrong” body and therefor the theory that you and you body (in general) would be a problem that has to be treaten as a problem. Fuck that.

This is f.e. one thing why I am not connecting really with most other activists anymore. Another is that many/most are believing in strange and often stupid things like that society would just reject them and their existance and human rights for beeing mistaken while ignoring the psychodynamics of power.

I am also fed up with activists who believe in a peaceful revolution for their rights and acceptance - as if Stonewall Riot and all the other important and necessary processes would ever have happened just in a painless and peaceful way - Come back to reality and fight with us, pls!!

Another thing is that we live in a state of permanent oppression, including violence, stigmatisation and taking away our life quality with that. You can hide from seeing this, but anyhow - I don´t want to lie about that any longer.

The media is a bullshit - this is why I don´t read newspapers anymore. All the propaganda and stigmatising articles about the “strange beings who change their gender and where born as a man” and so on, you find em everywhere and in every of these shitpapers, so I will run or find my own press or die without knowing perfectly what is going on. This culture is not my culture, it is cutting away my experience, it is cutting away my life, my style, my knowledge, my ideas and my sexuality - while sexualising me and my sisters in a stupid, ugly and unsuppotably exploitative manner.

I say fuck you to a culture, society that is defining itself as an integrative, democratic dialogue culture while it is in reality a fucked up senseless powerplay and projection of some bunch of poison-filled, stressed and greed controlled human shit disguised in either sexy dresses or boring suits told to be sexy and/or neutral. I am not a part of this and I will never be.

Every nation that has laws which force me to be described as “male” in official documents for being born with a penis can suck my dixk and suffocate. So I don´t want to be part of any state, group or collective that is going with the actual madness of genitalistic assignments - I want to fight for having a place without gender assignments - not at birth nor ever! No fucking laws no fucking “she was born as a man” articles, slander and wikipedia mockings! I am fighting for a place with clean without all walls and media full of this privilegued repressive hatespeech propaganda.

This fight is not a fight for human rights, a bit of respect or beeing heard - I want to fight for having my own territory free of cops, genitalistic media, ugly fetishistic chasers and doctors who shall tell me who to be and what to do and how to hate my body by law and claiming that reproduction is the essential thing in life while justifying laws which demand the permanent castration or other forms of mutilation of my body just to be accepted as a woman. I want to kill all people who are and were involved in this. And never again live in a society that justifies them and their work while telling anyone in the media they would be “experts” about what and who I am while I would be a “transperson”. No. Fuck yea.

Still looking for people having the same in mind. And in their guts. Sorry, you peaceful feminist and queer community embracing activists... but your “riot” is not mine.

I am just still living for revenge. And for a change. Not a repeat of the same walls, prejudices and clichees under the sign of “diversity” “rainbow something” or collective “lgbtiq harmony”. I am just a woman. Not LGFUILHSDLUKADZBKub and not even proud to be a woman. My rainbow -flag is a burning authority with a choped down head -flag, my diversity is the diversity of anyone. Not I am special - everyone is. So I refuse to be categorised as “a little bit different”. Fuck that. Don´t make me a stupid fool. All these representations of “queer” and all the other mainstream “deviant sexuality” bullshit just makes me vomit. I want to break down the walls - not to tighten them.

Also I want to tell my pain and fight to anywhere and not just to find it in a “rainbow corner” of some special nice magazine or in a “safe space”, so I don´t exclude from the mass and the people who don´t want to listen. It is a political,. necessary and social thing, just as the election of any government, the Arab Spring or the next 20 Mio trade of the Coca Cola Company is. And I have the impression that many other activists see this different. These are some reasons why I stopped to interact in ordinary activism. I know that I am not alone with that. But mostly no one is talking about it.

Today I dared to. My last suicide attempt is 8 years ago. I almost passed to die. And wake up in a hospital 3 days later. Especially the sexual herrassment and abuse of the psychotherapists I was forced to communicate with regulary just to be able to juristically change my legal name took away the most power I needed to survive in a world full of genitalistic hate, prejudice and normative propaganda of a culture that is defining itself by excluding, killing and ignoring us and our ancient sisters and brothers and their knowledge, language and experiences. Will they also iradicate us and our words and images? Like our ancestors?

This is what and why I am fighting. At the moment it still seems to be a real small minority within a small minority fight. But I don´t give up now anymore. Read more about our small activist group in

http://antigenitalistischeoffensive2013.tumblr.com/post/64452337251/about-genitalism-and-our-mission

&

https://stopgenitalism.tumblr.com

[vabeach-zombie-survivors]

It went out of business before the virus. An old seafood place right on the pier. The big pier; the one with stuff on it; the one everyone used to use. Not the other one. That one looks like a bunch of sticks. Even though other places on the pier are as dead as the restaurant, it’s still hard to look at the building’s poor empty shell. It was important. It could even have been called sorta fancy. Kinda.

Now it’ll never get a second chance. As if it would’ve if the virus never happened. But still. It was important to me. Maybe when enough people can fish well enough, and prepare the food, we can make it some semblance of what it was. I’d like that. It sounds like a project.

Maybe then I’d actually try some more of its seafood. More than small bites of fish or crab. Little me only ever ordered chicken from the place. I was picky. I’m still picky, I guess, but less so. One can’t exactly be picky in an apocalypse.

Ow.

No, that’s not physical pain. There’s just someone. She’s so picky. I hope she’s still okay. I hope we’re prospering enough for some to be even a little picky. I’d know if I’d just go back to them. If I’d just get that over with. I’m just so scared. They might not be okay, y’know?

I hope.. he’s okay...

Bastard better be. I know he doubts himself, but goddamn, he’s a tough one. He always has been. He’ll help me patch this place up for sure. I just hope to whatever god there is that any of this is a possibility. I’d always hear him ask what the hell he’d do without me. I never had a good answer. I feel the same way about him.

What has he done? I’ve been gone.

Does that mean..

No. It can’t. He’s good. He’s there. They all are. They have to be. I need them. I’ll be there soon. I’ll be there soon. I promise. I promise.

Fuck.

I’m tempted to try and get rid of the stress tears again but stop myself; I’ll just rub my face raw again. Don’t want that. Just let ‘em come. They’re justified. They are. I push the doors to the restaurant.

Those are pull doors, dipass. My god. I pull them. Locked. Oh, sweet lord up in heaven, I didn’t wanna do this. But I have to get in. Just this one place. This one last place. Then I’ll go do what I’m supposed to be doing now that I’m back in this town. Now that I’m back home.

I pick up a chunk of concrete from the edge of the parking lot. It’s half sunken in the sand. I brush some off. Not that there’s any point in that. Back to the doors.

Three.

Two.

One.

The part of my heart that needs this place so badly recoils as the glass shatters. I’m sorry honey. I’m so so sorry. Carefully, I step through the gap I’ve made and into the restaurant. There won’t be any zombies in here. It’s been locked since before there were any zombies to speak of. I’ll still have my gun ready.

There’s still a few tables left. I’m glad to see that, so glad. Is mine still here? My table? We always sat there. So I called it my table. Is it here?

Yep.

The chairs aren’t, but I couldn’t care less right now. I steal a chair from another table. All the chairs feel the same anyway. I sink into it. Holy hell. I could sleep right here, I’m dizzy from the familiarity. Thank you. God damn...

Maybe I will sleep. Yeah. I’ll do that. I need it. I deserve it. Just this last nap. Then I’ll finally, finally return. It’s about time the King’s throne is filled again.

[princeandreis]

Lmao do them all

LMAO OKAY

1. Are looks important in a relationship? I mean only a little
2. Are relationships ever worth it?yes?? maybe?? I’ve never been in a relationship
3. Are you a virgin?yes (saving myself for marriage)
4. Are you in a relationship?no
5. Are you in love?nO
6. Are you single this year?yes
7. Can you commit to one person?anyone who can’t is fucking trash
8. Describe your crushcurrently I don’t have one but there is always ben platt (he’s jewish)
9. Describe your perfect matesense of humor i cant even stress this enough like not having one is a complete and utter dealbreaker
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?no
11. Do you ever want to get married?yes
12. Do you forgive betrayal?well sort of… I eventually move past it but my trust is all gone
13. Do you get jealous easily?no
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?not right now
15. Do you have any piercings?my earlobes
16. Do you have any tattoos?no
17. Do you like kissing in public?it makes me uncomfortable when I see others making out but I probably wouldn’t mind
20. Do you shower every day?more or less (if I don’t get sweaty sometimes I won’t)
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?probably not
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?my guy friend maybe
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?like I said, anyone who can’t is fucking trash
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?no lmfao
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?yes
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?no, not romantically at least (otherwise, my mom more or less)
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?no
28. Have you ever been cheated on?no
29. Have you ever cheated on someone?no and that’s never ever ever ever ever going to happen, not ever
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?well, I have but I wouldn’t ever do it. I’m just insecure about how my tummy looks but the solution to that is eating better
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?hell yea all the time
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?yes (unrequited crushing I guess lol?)
33. Have you ever had sex with a man?no
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?no
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?no
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?yes (it was terrible)
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?I don’t think so
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?hell yea
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?YES
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?yes
41. Have you had sex so far this year?nope
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?I haven’t ever actually kissed anyone
43. How long was your longest relationship?I haven’t had a relationship yet
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?1 if you count being 11 and being forced to call it “special friends"
45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?0
46. How many times did you have sex last year?0
47. How old are you?I’m turning 17 in a week
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?"Oh, okay” probably
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?lol
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?m a y be???????
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?uhh… no, I don’t think so (I’m a really willing and sacrificial friend but all my friends have taken advantage / aren’t good friends)
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?plenty of boys romantically, just because they were into somebody else or I realized we weren’t right together. and I’ve given up on trusting all of my friends except 1
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?no
54. Is there someone you will never forget?I hope I forget these losers after I graduate. but I made a few really treasured friends at a conference this summer; I think they’ll always be in my heart
55. Share a relationship story.if u wanna hear about my 5th grade relationship then hmu because hoo boy do I have stories
56. State 8 facts about your bodyI’m extremely strong; I weigh a lot more than any girls I know; I have bunions which I’m hoping to get fixed; I’ve never needed braces; my mom tells me I have nice long nailbeds; I have pretty thick thighs; my vertical jump is pretty good; I have blue eyes
57. Things you want to say to an exI still talk to my fifth-grade ex all the time and we good
58. What are five ways to win your heart?be musical; be sincere; show me you’re trustworthy; be funny; be athletic
59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)if u really want to know, I think I have like one pic under #my face so check that out I guess
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?I was a month older than my fifth grade boyf
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?hair or eyes
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?im not answering that
63. What is your definition of “having sex”?bye
64. What is your definition of cheating?if you would have to justify it to your current boyfriend or girlfriend you’re probably cheating (unless they’re insane)
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?no
66. What is your favourite roleplay?nope
67. What is your idea of the perfect date?I’m pretty good with anything, except I’ve never been on a date. probably dinner and just talking
68. What is your sexual orientation?straight
69. What turns you off?people I can’t trust like I can’t even stress that enough; people who boss me around that don’t have a right to, like my peers; people who are arrogant; people who have 0 confidence in themselves
70. What turns you on?somebody actually having feelings for me
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?I think I dreamed about calum hood’s dick once, it was really weird 0/10 would not recommend
72. What words do you like to hear during sex?once again, a virgin trying not to think about that kind of thing til I’m married
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?support me when I’m upset and rub my hair and back
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?probably biceps haha (it’s by no means a must-have but like… if ya got em… hot damn)
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?Jesus Christ saved my life but besides that my friend baked me a cake that said “BIRTH” like that tumblr post and brought it to my house on my birthday last year
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?when my friend turned 16 I got her 16 little presents as reasons we’re friends
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?as an adult, half your age plus 7 is the lowest you can go generally; but since I’m a teenager it’s kind of up in the air
78. What’s your dirtiest secret?im not putting that on the internet
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?it’s ongoing; a bunch of freshmen made varsity volleyball ahead of me and I’m a junior and feel like I belong on varsity
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?i tell my mom and dad I love them a lot so this morning i think
81. Who are five people you find attractive?ben platt; aaron tveit; ben stiller; young matthew perry; and james franco I guess
82. Who is the last person you hugged?I think my dad
83. Who was your first kiss with?lol
84. Why did your last relationship fail?he was clingy but like… we were 11
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?NO

[adambstingus]

If you haven’t tuned in to the RNC yet, here are 13 reasons why you should.

If you haven’t tuned in to the Republican National Convention yet, youre not alone.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Maybe youre a Republican who gnashes their teeth every time Donald Trump opens his mouth. Maybe youre a Democrat whos already heard “Jail Shillary Clinton” enough for one decade. Or maybe youre just a person who gets bored by boring speeches.

And yet, you still want to do your civic duty. You want to be able to participate in the watercooler conversation. Or, perhaps, youre a nervous internet writer who dabbles in politics and you want to continue to justify your salary to the publication that employs you.

Fear not! Even if the speeches ramble, the music is suspect, and the balloon drop is anticlimactic, there are many ways to make watching the RNC a fun experience for the whole family:

1. Focus on the fun hats.

When you watch a baseball game, you see baseball caps. When you watch a rodeo, you see cowboy hats. When you watch bearded 27-year-old programmers in “Buffy” T-shirts hitting on college students, you see fedoras.

The hats at the RNC are in another league. A noble league … like The League of Nations.

A league that peaked in 1918.

Cowboy hats?

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images.

Check.

Coonskin caps?

Check!

Hats directly from the costume chest for the West Oakport Community Players production of “The Music Man”?

Check and mate.

If youre a fan of delightfully anachronistic haberdashery, the Republican National Convention is the small-screen event of the mid-2010s.

2. Watch campaign operatives desperately try to spin obvious screwups into success stories.

Melania Trump’s apparent cribbing of a passage from a 2008 Michelle Obama speech on the first night of the RNC has already sent Trump’s surrogates into a flurry of questionably credible but extremely entertaining denials.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Some simply pretended it didn’t happen. Some tried to explain it away as a case of the two women simply having the exact same thoughts on the exact same subject. Others suggested that hey! only 7% of the speech was plagiarized, which really isn’t that much. (College students on deadline, take note!)

There’s no feeling quite so warm and cozy as sitting back on your couch, knowing there’s a problem out there in the world … and it’s someone else’s job to deal with it.

3. Cheer on the dancing delegates.

The RNC remains Americas #1 source of elderly people whove still got it, show it, and want you to know it.

Curious what style of arrhythmic jerking was popular in 1962? Looking forward to seeing some semi-coordinated American flag-ography? Want to watch a county commissioner from Ladysmith, Wisconsin, gingerly hip-bumping the state comptroller of Tennessee?

You only get one chance every four years. Seize it!

4. Gawk at the ridiculously over-the-top entrances.

For Donald Trump, last night’s raucous, backlit entrance to “We Are the Champions” was actually pretty restrained.

Scott Baio (Chachi!) was there Monday night.

Ehhhhhhhhhh. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

So was Antonio Sabato Jr., who totally was in something once.

Oh and hey, remember soap star Kimberlin Brown? No? Well, shes speaking too.

Like Pogs, jelly shoes, and friendship bracelets, you might not have missed them and you might not have even loved them all that much even at the height of their popularity, but they’re back, and sure, why not!

6. Cringe at the massive pandering fails.

In a Monday session with delegates from Pennsylvania, Paul Ryan took a few seconds to wave a Terrible Towel an emblem of the Pittsburgh Steelers in the air…

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

…which irked some in the city of Cleveland, where the RNC is happening. They were none too pleased to see the Republican leader brandish the banner of their bitter football rival.

In other news, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are apparently different cities. You learn new things when you watch the RNC!

7. Shovel popcorn into your mouth as Trump and his team pick random, hugely entertaining fights with GOP lawmakers.

Fittingly, for a candidate whose highest profile accomplishment is hosting a reality show, Donald Trump is really, really, good at draaaaaaaaaama.

Even before the speeches started, top Trump aide Paul Manafort attacked Ohio Gov. John Kasich America’s Republican uncle as “petulant” for refusing to attend the convention.

Photo by J.D. Pooley/Getty Images.

“Manaforts problem, after all those years on the lam with thugs and autocrats, is that he cant recognize principle and integrity,” Kasich strategist John Weaver fired back in an e-mail to The New York Times, calling out Manafort’s public relations work for the former president of Ukraine.

Rawr! Go get ’em, boys!

8. Daydream about what LeBron James is doing elsewhere in Cleveland while all this is going on.

Photo by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images.

One of the great things about Cleveland hosting the convention is that, if youre not feeling the program, you can just close your eyes and imagine what King James is up to just a few blocks away at any given moment. Maybe he’s grabbing a beer at the Radisson lobby bar across the street or wandering around the perimeter of Quicken Loans Arena trying to catch a Pikachu!

Train your brain to conjure ‘Bron, and you’re sure to realize a truth that hardened political insiders have long known: The mental image of LeBron James doing anything beats watching the 19th lieutenant governor shuffle haltingly around the stage to Kid Rocks “Born Free.”

9. Enjoy the spectacle of news organizations testing out new technology with mixed results.

The Washington Post has a robot!

LOOK OUT: The yet-to-be-named @washingtonpost robot is roaming the halls of the #gopconvention. (Cc @rkellett) pic.twitter.com/KCFFdootWo Ed O

Come for the debut of an amazing, cutting-edge mass communication tool. Stay for the schadenfreude of when it inevitably, hilariously tips slowly forward and plants on its face.

10. Applaud the fact-checkers doing A+ work.

It’s pretty hard to wallow in self pity about having to sit through three prime-time hours of the Trump Family Variety Spectacular when the heroes at FactCheck.org are spending their week watching every minute of both conventions evaluating every ridiculously hyperbolic claim made by every marginal elected official on that stage, presumably with their eyelids taped open.

David Clarke says Americans don

Every single American owes these people a drink. At the very least, we need to all go in for a gift basket.

11. Savor the meme-worthy speech faces.

Like this one:

A delegate stands on stage. The lights are hot. He’s got his suit, tie, and firmest scowl on. He’s projecting a stern air of authority. He’s feeling good.

And then, this happens:

THE RNC GAVEL IS ALREADY FALLING APART pic.twitter.com/6sL4Mp3z8V Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) July 18, 2016

One prop master’s catastrophe is one potato-chip-eating, couch-slouching American’s perfect television.

12. Rock out to the endless playlist of music you love to hate to love to wonder what even is it?

Between the speeches, the logistical announcements, and the arcane points of order, the playlist on the first day of the 2016 RNC featured a weird collection of B sides “Limelight” by Rush, The Who’s “Eminence Front,” “Stay With Me” by Rod Stewart that undoubtedly delighted your Uncle Craig:

But it pretty much left everyone else scratching their heads. And you know what, scratching your head is immensely soothing and gratifying, so thanks, music team!

13. Appreciate that you are watching democracy happen in real time weirdly exactly the way its supposed to.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

You may not be thrilled about the election. You may think the ads are tacky. You may wish the participants were different (dear God, you may wish the participants were different).

You can hate everything about the American political process and still be grateful this is how our political transitions go down rather than when the guy in charge dies and his 9-year-old son takes over, or when a bunch of tanks plow over the White House while the president is in Bermuda, or when every federal employee is replaced by an alien impostor except for a single, mild-mannered Nebraska congressman who, luckily, is played by Kurt Russell.

New political administrations in America happen after a bunch of nerdy bureaucrats make a bunch of boring speeches about freedom, justice, and patriotism in support of candidates we dont like very much but who we will dutifully go out and choose between in November.

Its unglamorous. Its stressful. Its frustrating and exhausting. But Im going to tune in. Because it really is the worst.

Except for all the other options.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/11/if-you-havent-tuned-in-to-the-rnc-yet-here-are-13-reasons-why-you-should/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162878455032

[jimdsmith34]

If you haven’t tuned in to the RNC yet, here are 13 reasons why you should.

If you haven’t tuned in to the Republican National Convention yet, youre not alone.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Maybe youre a Republican who gnashes their teeth every time Donald Trump opens his mouth. Maybe youre a Democrat whos already heard “Jail Shillary Clinton” enough for one decade. Or maybe youre just a person who gets bored by boring speeches.

And yet, you still want to do your civic duty. You want to be able to participate in the watercooler conversation. Or, perhaps, youre a nervous internet writer who dabbles in politics and you want to continue to justify your salary to the publication that employs you.

Fear not! Even if the speeches ramble, the music is suspect, and the balloon drop is anticlimactic, there are many ways to make watching the RNC a fun experience for the whole family:

1. Focus on the fun hats.

When you watch a baseball game, you see baseball caps. When you watch a rodeo, you see cowboy hats. When you watch bearded 27-year-old programmers in “Buffy” T-shirts hitting on college students, you see fedoras.

The hats at the RNC are in another league. A noble league … like The League of Nations.

A league that peaked in 1918.

Cowboy hats?

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images.

Check.

Coonskin caps?

Check!

Hats directly from the costume chest for the West Oakport Community Players production of “The Music Man”?

Check and mate.

If youre a fan of delightfully anachronistic haberdashery, the Republican National Convention is the small-screen event of the mid-2010s.

2. Watch campaign operatives desperately try to spin obvious screwups into success stories.

Melania Trump’s apparent cribbing of a passage from a 2008 Michelle Obama speech on the first night of the RNC has already sent Trump’s surrogates into a flurry of questionably credible but extremely entertaining denials.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Some simply pretended it didn’t happen. Some tried to explain it away as a case of the two women simply having the exact same thoughts on the exact same subject. Others suggested that hey! only 7% of the speech was plagiarized, which really isn’t that much. (College students on deadline, take note!)

There’s no feeling quite so warm and cozy as sitting back on your couch, knowing there’s a problem out there in the world … and it’s someone else’s job to deal with it.

3. Cheer on the dancing delegates.

The RNC remains Americas #1 source of elderly people whove still got it, show it, and want you to know it.

Curious what style of arrhythmic jerking was popular in 1962? Looking forward to seeing some semi-coordinated American flag-ography? Want to watch a county commissioner from Ladysmith, Wisconsin, gingerly hip-bumping the state comptroller of Tennessee?

You only get one chance every four years. Seize it!

4. Gawk at the ridiculously over-the-top entrances.

For Donald Trump, last night’s raucous, backlit entrance to “We Are the Champions” was actually pretty restrained.

Scott Baio (Chachi!) was there Monday night.

Ehhhhhhhhhh. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

So was Antonio Sabato Jr., who totally was in something once.

Oh and hey, remember soap star Kimberlin Brown? No? Well, shes speaking too.

Like Pogs, jelly shoes, and friendship bracelets, you might not have missed them and you might not have even loved them all that much even at the height of their popularity, but they’re back, and sure, why not!

6. Cringe at the massive pandering fails.

In a Monday session with delegates from Pennsylvania, Paul Ryan took a few seconds to wave a Terrible Towel an emblem of the Pittsburgh Steelers in the air…

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

…which irked some in the city of Cleveland, where the RNC is happening. They were none too pleased to see the Republican leader brandish the banner of their bitter football rival.

In other news, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are apparently different cities. You learn new things when you watch the RNC!

7. Shovel popcorn into your mouth as Trump and his team pick random, hugely entertaining fights with GOP lawmakers.

Fittingly, for a candidate whose highest profile accomplishment is hosting a reality show, Donald Trump is really, really, good at draaaaaaaaaama.

Even before the speeches started, top Trump aide Paul Manafort attacked Ohio Gov. John Kasich America’s Republican uncle as “petulant” for refusing to attend the convention.

Photo by J.D. Pooley/Getty Images.

“Manaforts problem, after all those years on the lam with thugs and autocrats, is that he cant recognize principle and integrity,” Kasich strategist John Weaver fired back in an e-mail to The New York Times, calling out Manafort’s public relations work for the former president of Ukraine.

Rawr! Go get ’em, boys!

8. Daydream about what LeBron James is doing elsewhere in Cleveland while all this is going on.

Photo by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images.

One of the great things about Cleveland hosting the convention is that, if youre not feeling the program, you can just close your eyes and imagine what King James is up to just a few blocks away at any given moment. Maybe he’s grabbing a beer at the Radisson lobby bar across the street or wandering around the perimeter of Quicken Loans Arena trying to catch a Pikachu!

Train your brain to conjure ‘Bron, and you’re sure to realize a truth that hardened political insiders have long known: The mental image of LeBron James doing anything beats watching the 19th lieutenant governor shuffle haltingly around the stage to Kid Rocks “Born Free.”

9. Enjoy the spectacle of news organizations testing out new technology with mixed results.

The Washington Post has a robot!

LOOK OUT: The yet-to-be-named @washingtonpost robot is roaming the halls of the #gopconvention. (Cc @rkellett) pic.twitter.com/KCFFdootWo Ed O

Come for the debut of an amazing, cutting-edge mass communication tool. Stay for the schadenfreude of when it inevitably, hilariously tips slowly forward and plants on its face.

10. Applaud the fact-checkers doing A+ work.

It’s pretty hard to wallow in self pity about having to sit through three prime-time hours of the Trump Family Variety Spectacular when the heroes at FactCheck.org are spending their week watching every minute of both conventions evaluating every ridiculously hyperbolic claim made by every marginal elected official on that stage, presumably with their eyelids taped open.

David Clarke says Americans don

Every single American owes these people a drink. At the very least, we need to all go in for a gift basket.

11. Savor the meme-worthy speech faces.

Like this one:

A delegate stands on stage. The lights are hot. He’s got his suit, tie, and firmest scowl on. He’s projecting a stern air of authority. He’s feeling good.

And then, this happens:

THE RNC GAVEL IS ALREADY FALLING APART pic.twitter.com/6sL4Mp3z8V Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) July 18, 2016

One prop master’s catastrophe is one potato-chip-eating, couch-slouching American’s perfect television.

12. Rock out to the endless playlist of music you love to hate to love to wonder what even is it?

Between the speeches, the logistical announcements, and the arcane points of order, the playlist on the first day of the 2016 RNC featured a weird collection of B sides “Limelight” by Rush, The Who’s “Eminence Front,” “Stay With Me” by Rod Stewart that undoubtedly delighted your Uncle Craig:

But it pretty much left everyone else scratching their heads. And you know what, scratching your head is immensely soothing and gratifying, so thanks, music team!

13. Appreciate that you are watching democracy happen in real time weirdly exactly the way its supposed to.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

You may not be thrilled about the election. You may think the ads are tacky. You may wish the participants were different (dear God, you may wish the participants were different).

You can hate everything about the American political process and still be grateful this is how our political transitions go down rather than when the guy in charge dies and his 9-year-old son takes over, or when a bunch of tanks plow over the White House while the president is in Bermuda, or when every federal employee is replaced by an alien impostor except for a single, mild-mannered Nebraska congressman who, luckily, is played by Kurt Russell.

New political administrations in America happen after a bunch of nerdy bureaucrats make a bunch of boring speeches about freedom, justice, and patriotism in support of candidates we dont like very much but who we will dutifully go out and choose between in November.

Its unglamorous. Its stressful. Its frustrating and exhausting. But Im going to tune in. Because it really is the worst.

Except for all the other options.

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/11/if-you-havent-tuned-in-to-the-rnc-yet-here-are-13-reasons-why-you-should/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/07/if-you-havent-tuned-in-to-rnc-yet-here.html

[samanthasroberts]

If you haven’t tuned in to the RNC yet, here are 13 reasons why you should.

If you haven’t tuned in to the Republican National Convention yet, youre not alone.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Maybe youre a Republican who gnashes their teeth every time Donald Trump opens his mouth. Maybe youre a Democrat whos already heard “Jail Shillary Clinton” enough for one decade. Or maybe youre just a person who gets bored by boring speeches.

And yet, you still want to do your civic duty. You want to be able to participate in the watercooler conversation. Or, perhaps, youre a nervous internet writer who dabbles in politics and you want to continue to justify your salary to the publication that employs you.

Fear not! Even if the speeches ramble, the music is suspect, and the balloon drop is anticlimactic, there are many ways to make watching the RNC a fun experience for the whole family:

1. Focus on the fun hats.

When you watch a baseball game, you see baseball caps. When you watch a rodeo, you see cowboy hats. When you watch bearded 27-year-old programmers in “Buffy” T-shirts hitting on college students, you see fedoras.

The hats at the RNC are in another league. A noble league … like The League of Nations.

A league that peaked in 1918.

Cowboy hats?

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images.

Check.

Coonskin caps?

Check!

Hats directly from the costume chest for the West Oakport Community Players production of “The Music Man”?

Check and mate.

If youre a fan of delightfully anachronistic haberdashery, the Republican National Convention is the small-screen event of the mid-2010s.

2. Watch campaign operatives desperately try to spin obvious screwups into success stories.

Melania Trump’s apparent cribbing of a passage from a 2008 Michelle Obama speech on the first night of the RNC has already sent Trump’s surrogates into a flurry of questionably credible but extremely entertaining denials.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Some simply pretended it didn’t happen. Some tried to explain it away as a case of the two women simply having the exact same thoughts on the exact same subject. Others suggested that hey! only 7% of the speech was plagiarized, which really isn’t that much. (College students on deadline, take note!)

There’s no feeling quite so warm and cozy as sitting back on your couch, knowing there’s a problem out there in the world … and it’s someone else’s job to deal with it.

3. Cheer on the dancing delegates.

The RNC remains Americas #1 source of elderly people whove still got it, show it, and want you to know it.

Curious what style of arrhythmic jerking was popular in 1962? Looking forward to seeing some semi-coordinated American flag-ography? Want to watch a county commissioner from Ladysmith, Wisconsin, gingerly hip-bumping the state comptroller of Tennessee?

You only get one chance every four years. Seize it!

4. Gawk at the ridiculously over-the-top entrances.

For Donald Trump, last night’s raucous, backlit entrance to “We Are the Champions” was actually pretty restrained.

Scott Baio (Chachi!) was there Monday night.

Ehhhhhhhhhh. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

So was Antonio Sabato Jr., who totally was in something once.

Oh and hey, remember soap star Kimberlin Brown? No? Well, shes speaking too.

Like Pogs, jelly shoes, and friendship bracelets, you might not have missed them and you might not have even loved them all that much even at the height of their popularity, but they’re back, and sure, why not!

6. Cringe at the massive pandering fails.

In a Monday session with delegates from Pennsylvania, Paul Ryan took a few seconds to wave a Terrible Towel an emblem of the Pittsburgh Steelers in the air…

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

…which irked some in the city of Cleveland, where the RNC is happening. They were none too pleased to see the Republican leader brandish the banner of their bitter football rival.

In other news, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are apparently different cities. You learn new things when you watch the RNC!

7. Shovel popcorn into your mouth as Trump and his team pick random, hugely entertaining fights with GOP lawmakers.

Fittingly, for a candidate whose highest profile accomplishment is hosting a reality show, Donald Trump is really, really, good at draaaaaaaaaama.

Even before the speeches started, top Trump aide Paul Manafort attacked Ohio Gov. John Kasich America’s Republican uncle as “petulant” for refusing to attend the convention.

Photo by J.D. Pooley/Getty Images.

“Manaforts problem, after all those years on the lam with thugs and autocrats, is that he cant recognize principle and integrity,” Kasich strategist John Weaver fired back in an e-mail to The New York Times, calling out Manafort’s public relations work for the former president of Ukraine.

Rawr! Go get ’em, boys!

8. Daydream about what LeBron James is doing elsewhere in Cleveland while all this is going on.

Photo by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images.

One of the great things about Cleveland hosting the convention is that, if youre not feeling the program, you can just close your eyes and imagine what King James is up to just a few blocks away at any given moment. Maybe he’s grabbing a beer at the Radisson lobby bar across the street or wandering around the perimeter of Quicken Loans Arena trying to catch a Pikachu!

Train your brain to conjure ‘Bron, and you’re sure to realize a truth that hardened political insiders have long known: The mental image of LeBron James doing anything beats watching the 19th lieutenant governor shuffle haltingly around the stage to Kid Rocks “Born Free.”

9. Enjoy the spectacle of news organizations testing out new technology with mixed results.

The Washington Post has a robot!

LOOK OUT: The yet-to-be-named @washingtonpost robot is roaming the halls of the #gopconvention. (Cc @rkellett) pic.twitter.com/KCFFdootWo Ed O

Come for the debut of an amazing, cutting-edge mass communication tool. Stay for the schadenfreude of when it inevitably, hilariously tips slowly forward and plants on its face.

10. Applaud the fact-checkers doing A+ work.

It’s pretty hard to wallow in self pity about having to sit through three prime-time hours of the Trump Family Variety Spectacular when the heroes at FactCheck.org are spending their week watching every minute of both conventions evaluating every ridiculously hyperbolic claim made by every marginal elected official on that stage, presumably with their eyelids taped open.

David Clarke says Americans don

Every single American owes these people a drink. At the very least, we need to all go in for a gift basket.

11. Savor the meme-worthy speech faces.

Like this one:

A delegate stands on stage. The lights are hot. He’s got his suit, tie, and firmest scowl on. He’s projecting a stern air of authority. He’s feeling good.

And then, this happens:

THE RNC GAVEL IS ALREADY FALLING APART pic.twitter.com/6sL4Mp3z8V Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) July 18, 2016

One prop master’s catastrophe is one potato-chip-eating, couch-slouching American’s perfect television.

12. Rock out to the endless playlist of music you love to hate to love to wonder what even is it?

Between the speeches, the logistical announcements, and the arcane points of order, the playlist on the first day of the 2016 RNC featured a weird collection of B sides “Limelight” by Rush, The Who’s “Eminence Front,” “Stay With Me” by Rod Stewart that undoubtedly delighted your Uncle Craig:

But it pretty much left everyone else scratching their heads. And you know what, scratching your head is immensely soothing and gratifying, so thanks, music team!

13. Appreciate that you are watching democracy happen in real time weirdly exactly the way its supposed to.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

You may not be thrilled about the election. You may think the ads are tacky. You may wish the participants were different (dear God, you may wish the participants were different).

You can hate everything about the American political process and still be grateful this is how our political transitions go down rather than when the guy in charge dies and his 9-year-old son takes over, or when a bunch of tanks plow over the White House while the president is in Bermuda, or when every federal employee is replaced by an alien impostor except for a single, mild-mannered Nebraska congressman who, luckily, is played by Kurt Russell.

New political administrations in America happen after a bunch of nerdy bureaucrats make a bunch of boring speeches about freedom, justice, and patriotism in support of candidates we dont like very much but who we will dutifully go out and choose between in November.

Its unglamorous. Its stressful. Its frustrating and exhausting. But Im going to tune in. Because it really is the worst.

Except for all the other options.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/11/if-you-havent-tuned-in-to-the-rnc-yet-here-are-13-reasons-why-you-should/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/11/if-you-havent-tuned-in-to-the-rnc-yet-here-are-13-reasons-why-you-should/

[allofbeercom]

If you haven’t tuned in to the RNC yet, here are 13 reasons why you should.

If you haven’t tuned in to the Republican National Convention yet, youre not alone.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Maybe youre a Republican who gnashes their teeth every time Donald Trump opens his mouth. Maybe youre a Democrat whos already heard “Jail Shillary Clinton” enough for one decade. Or maybe youre just a person who gets bored by boring speeches.

And yet, you still want to do your civic duty. You want to be able to participate in the watercooler conversation. Or, perhaps, youre a nervous internet writer who dabbles in politics and you want to continue to justify your salary to the publication that employs you.

Fear not! Even if the speeches ramble, the music is suspect, and the balloon drop is anticlimactic, there are many ways to make watching the RNC a fun experience for the whole family:

1. Focus on the fun hats.

When you watch a baseball game, you see baseball caps. When you watch a rodeo, you see cowboy hats. When you watch bearded 27-year-old programmers in “Buffy” T-shirts hitting on college students, you see fedoras.

The hats at the RNC are in another league. A noble league … like The League of Nations.

A league that peaked in 1918.

Cowboy hats?

Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images.

Check.

Coonskin caps?

Check!

Hats directly from the costume chest for the West Oakport Community Players production of “The Music Man”?

Check and mate.

If youre a fan of delightfully anachronistic haberdashery, the Republican National Convention is the small-screen event of the mid-2010s.

2. Watch campaign operatives desperately try to spin obvious screwups into success stories.

Melania Trump’s apparent cribbing of a passage from a 2008 Michelle Obama speech on the first night of the RNC has already sent Trump’s surrogates into a flurry of questionably credible but extremely entertaining denials.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Some simply pretended it didn’t happen. Some tried to explain it away as a case of the two women simply having the exact same thoughts on the exact same subject. Others suggested that hey! only 7% of the speech was plagiarized, which really isn’t that much. (College students on deadline, take note!)

There’s no feeling quite so warm and cozy as sitting back on your couch, knowing there’s a problem out there in the world … and it’s someone else’s job to deal with it.

3. Cheer on the dancing delegates.

The RNC remains Americas #1 source of elderly people whove still got it, show it, and want you to know it.

Curious what style of arrhythmic jerking was popular in 1962? Looking forward to seeing some semi-coordinated American flag-ography? Want to watch a county commissioner from Ladysmith, Wisconsin, gingerly hip-bumping the state comptroller of Tennessee?

You only get one chance every four years. Seize it!

4. Gawk at the ridiculously over-the-top entrances.

For Donald Trump, last night’s raucous, backlit entrance to “We Are the Champions” was actually pretty restrained.

Scott Baio (Chachi!) was there Monday night.

Ehhhhhhhhhh. Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

So was Antonio Sabato Jr., who totally was in something once.

Oh and hey, remember soap star Kimberlin Brown? No? Well, shes speaking too.

Like Pogs, jelly shoes, and friendship bracelets, you might not have missed them and you might not have even loved them all that much even at the height of their popularity, but they’re back, and sure, why not!

6. Cringe at the massive pandering fails.

In a Monday session with delegates from Pennsylvania, Paul Ryan took a few seconds to wave a Terrible Towel an emblem of the Pittsburgh Steelers in the air…

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

…which irked some in the city of Cleveland, where the RNC is happening. They were none too pleased to see the Republican leader brandish the banner of their bitter football rival.

In other news, Cleveland and Pittsburgh are apparently different cities. You learn new things when you watch the RNC!

7. Shovel popcorn into your mouth as Trump and his team pick random, hugely entertaining fights with GOP lawmakers.

Fittingly, for a candidate whose highest profile accomplishment is hosting a reality show, Donald Trump is really, really, good at draaaaaaaaaama.

Even before the speeches started, top Trump aide Paul Manafort attacked Ohio Gov. John Kasich America’s Republican uncle as “petulant” for refusing to attend the convention.

Photo by J.D. Pooley/Getty Images.

“Manaforts problem, after all those years on the lam with thugs and autocrats, is that he cant recognize principle and integrity,” Kasich strategist John Weaver fired back in an e-mail to The New York Times, calling out Manafort’s public relations work for the former president of Ukraine.

Rawr! Go get ’em, boys!

8. Daydream about what LeBron James is doing elsewhere in Cleveland while all this is going on.

Photo by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images.

One of the great things about Cleveland hosting the convention is that, if youre not feeling the program, you can just close your eyes and imagine what King James is up to just a few blocks away at any given moment. Maybe he’s grabbing a beer at the Radisson lobby bar across the street or wandering around the perimeter of Quicken Loans Arena trying to catch a Pikachu!

Train your brain to conjure ‘Bron, and you’re sure to realize a truth that hardened political insiders have long known: The mental image of LeBron James doing anything beats watching the 19th lieutenant governor shuffle haltingly around the stage to Kid Rocks “Born Free.”

9. Enjoy the spectacle of news organizations testing out new technology with mixed results.

The Washington Post has a robot!

LOOK OUT: The yet-to-be-named @washingtonpost robot is roaming the halls of the #gopconvention. (Cc @rkellett) pic.twitter.com/KCFFdootWo Ed O

Come for the debut of an amazing, cutting-edge mass communication tool. Stay for the schadenfreude of when it inevitably, hilariously tips slowly forward and plants on its face.

10. Applaud the fact-checkers doing A+ work.

It’s pretty hard to wallow in self pity about having to sit through three prime-time hours of the Trump Family Variety Spectacular when the heroes at FactCheck.org are spending their week watching every minute of both conventions evaluating every ridiculously hyperbolic claim made by every marginal elected official on that stage, presumably with their eyelids taped open.

David Clarke says Americans don

Every single American owes these people a drink. At the very least, we need to all go in for a gift basket.

11. Savor the meme-worthy speech faces.

Like this one:

A delegate stands on stage. The lights are hot. He’s got his suit, tie, and firmest scowl on. He’s projecting a stern air of authority. He’s feeling good.

And then, this happens:

THE RNC GAVEL IS ALREADY FALLING APART pic.twitter.com/6sL4Mp3z8V Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) July 18, 2016

One prop master’s catastrophe is one potato-chip-eating, couch-slouching American’s perfect television.

12. Rock out to the endless playlist of music you love to hate to love to wonder what even is it?

Between the speeches, the logistical announcements, and the arcane points of order, the playlist on the first day of the 2016 RNC featured a weird collection of B sides “Limelight” by Rush, The Who’s “Eminence Front,” “Stay With Me” by Rod Stewart that undoubtedly delighted your Uncle Craig:

But it pretty much left everyone else scratching their heads. And you know what, scratching your head is immensely soothing and gratifying, so thanks, music team!

13. Appreciate that you are watching democracy happen in real time weirdly exactly the way its supposed to.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

You may not be thrilled about the election. You may think the ads are tacky. You may wish the participants were different (dear God, you may wish the participants were different).

You can hate everything about the American political process and still be grateful this is how our political transitions go down rather than when the guy in charge dies and his 9-year-old son takes over, or when a bunch of tanks plow over the White House while the president is in Bermuda, or when every federal employee is replaced by an alien impostor except for a single, mild-mannered Nebraska congressman who, luckily, is played by Kurt Russell.

New political administrations in America happen after a bunch of nerdy bureaucrats make a bunch of boring speeches about freedom, justice, and patriotism in support of candidates we dont like very much but who we will dutifully go out and choose between in November.

Its unglamorous. Its stressful. Its frustrating and exhausting. But Im going to tune in. Because it really is the worst.

Except for all the other options.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/11/if-you-havent-tuned-in-to-the-rnc-yet-here-are-13-reasons-why-you-should/

[thirdpartygymeero]

Rap Monster’s Heavy Rotation

1. 6LACK - PRBLMS lyric

[Intro] Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Alright

[Verse 1] And she said "You a god-damn lie" I ain't mean to say that shit girl I was god-damn high So we left the crib now we in the god-damn ride She lookin' god-damn fine I wanted a bitch who was down to Earth But she want the god-damn sky, uh List of my problems Got this one on my line that won't stop fucking callin' It's crazy I made her that way Every time I see her out, I see the hate in her face Like why you do that? Tell her you love her when next week you just want your space Why you do, why you do that? Tell her you want her but next week you do your own thing Why you do, why you do that? I can't explain it but just know it working for me She text me "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" But how the fuck can you hate me? When I ain't did shit, but be the real thang She know I'm the real, that'll never change I never been the one to try to explain While you catch them feels I'mma sip on this drank, it's easing my brain

[Hook] I got real shit to stress about, girl, I ain't worried 'bout shit ('Bout shit) Remember that I tried to build ya, now I ain't worried 'bout shit I got real shit to stress about, girl, I ain't worried 'bout shit ('Bout shit) Remember that I tried to build ya, now I ain't worried 'bout shit So I found me a new thang, I'm not as lost as you think Got plenty queens in my hometown, all they need is drank and that dank So I found me a new thang, I'm not as lost as you think Got plenty queens in my hometown, all they need is drank and that dank

[Verse 2] Now I'm like It's a goddamn shame We done crashed, we done burned But baby you the god-damn blame See I wanted love but you wanted god-damn fame Every god-damn thang I wanted a bitch who was on the move But you want to god-damn lay Uh, list of my problems Got this one in my bed and she just wants to sleep Fucking up all of the sheets She only wake up to eat Do this shit every week Like, why you do that? Crying you want to be great, but sleepin' until the next day Why you do that? Don't got that much in the bank, we go out she order the steak Why you do, why you do that? She can't explain it but just know it working for her She claiming she down on her luck but really she don't give a fuck And I cannot make this shit up And I ain't did shit but be the real thang She know I'm the real, that'll never change I won't be the one to try to explain While you catch them feels I'mma sip on this drank, it's easing the pain

[Hook] I got real shit to stress about, girl, I ain't worried 'bout shit ('Bout shit) Remember that I tried to build ya, now I ain't worried 'bout shit I got real shit to stress about, girl, I ain't worried 'bout shit ('Bout shit) Remember that I tried to build ya, now I ain't worried 'bout shit So I found me a new thang, I'm not as lost as you think Got plenty queens in my hometown, all they need is drank and that dank So I found me a new thang, I'm not as lost as you think Got plenty queens in my hometown, all they need is drank and that dank

2. Aphex Twin - Flim

Instrumental

3. Bon Iver - Perth

I’m tearing up, across your face Move dust through the light To find your name It's something fane This is not a place Not yet awake, I'm raised to make

Still alive who you, love Still alive who you, love Still alive who you, love

In a mother, out a moth Furling forests for the soft Gotta know been lead aloft So I'm ridding all your stories What I know, what it is, it's pouring - wire it up!

You're breaking your ground

4. My Funny Valentine - Chet Baker

My funny Valentine, sweet comic Valentine You make me smile with my heart Your looks are laughable Unphotographable Yet you're my favorite work of art

Is your figure less than Greek? Is your mouth a little weak? When you open it to speak Are you smiling? But don't change a hair for me Not if you care for me Stay little Valentine, stay Each day is Valentine's Day

5. D’Angelo -  Really Love

When you call my name When you love me gently When you're walking near me Doo doo wah I'm in really love with you, I'm in really love with you

[CHORUS] When you look at me I open up instantly I fall in love so quickly Doo doo wah I'm in really love with you, doo doo wah I'm in really love with you I'm in really love with you

[BRIDGE] All night beside you I'd lay I love you deep when you come to my bed Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you Ooh wah, I'm in really love with you

When you touch me there When you make me tingle When our nectars mingle I'm in really love with you, I'm in really love I'm not an easy man, to overstand, you feel me But girl your patient with me Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you, I'm in really love with you

[CHORUS] All night I wish for you here Lay your head beside my hip Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you I'm in really love with you

Doo doo wah, I'm in really love with you

I'm in really love with you

Oh how I love the little things you do I'm in really love with you

6. Karaoke - Drake

[Verse 1: Drake] Things have been so crazy and hectic I shoulda gotten back by now But you know how much I wanted to make it It's probably better anyhow So if you gotta go If there's anything I should know If the spotlight makes you nervous If you're looking for a purpose

[Verse 2: Drake] You put the tea in the kettle and light it Put your hand on the metal and feel it But do you even feel it anymore? I remember when you thought I was joking Now I'm off singing karaoke Further than I've ever been So if you gotta go If there's any way I can help

[Verse 3: Drake] Isn't it ironic that the girl I want to marry is a wedding planner And tells me my life is too much and then moves to Atlanta Damn, of all the places you could go I just thought you'd choose somewhere That had somebody that you know I'm always up too late, I worry 'bout you there alone In that place you call your home Warm nights and cold Patron I hope that you don't get known for nothing crazy Cause no man ever wants to hear those stories bout his lady I know they say the first love is the sweetest But that first cut is the deepest I tried to keep us together, you were busy keeping secrets Secrets you were telling everybody but me Don't be fooled by the money, I'm still just young and unlucky I'm surprised you couldn't tell

[Outro] I was only trying to get ahead I was only trying to get ahead But the spotlight makes you nervous And you're looking for a purpose

7. Cleanin Out My Closet - Eminem

Where's my snare? I have no snare in my headphones - there you go Yeah... yo, yo

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have; I've been protested and demonstrated against Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times Sick as the mind of the motherfucking kid that's behind All this commotion emotions run deep as ocean's exploding Tempers flaring from parents just blow 'em off and keep going Not taking nothing from no one give 'em hell long as I'm breathing Keep kicking ass in the morning and taking names in the evening Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out Look at me now; I bet ya probably sick of me now ain't you mama? I'mma make you look so ridiculous now

I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry; but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time) I said I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet

Ha! I got some skeletons in my closet And I don't know if no one knows it So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it I'mma expose it; I'll take you back to '73 Before I ever had a multi-platinum selling CD I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch 'Cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye No I don't. On second thought I just fucking wished he would die I look at Hailie, and I couldn't picture leaving her side Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try To make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake I maybe made some mistakes But I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb But the smartest shit I did was take them bullets outta that gun 'Cause I'da killed him; shit I would've shot Kim and him both It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to "The Eminem Show"

I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry; but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time) I said I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet

Now I would never diss my own mama just to get recognition Take a second to listen 'fore you think this record is dissing But put yourself in my position; just try to envision Witnessing your mama popping prescription pills in the kitchen Bitching that someone's always going through her purse and shit's missing Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchhausen's Syndrome My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya stomach Doesn't it? Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me Ma? So you could try to justify the way you treated me Ma? But guess what? You're getting older now and it's cold when you're lonely And Nathan's growing up so quick he's gonna know that you're phony And Hailie's getting so big now; you should see her, she's beautiful But you'll never see her - she won't even be at your funeral! See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you was wrong Bitch do your song - keep telling yourself that you was a mom! But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get You selfish bitch; I hope you fucking burn in hell for this shit Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me? Well guess what, I am dead - dead to you as can be!

I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry; but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time) I said I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet

I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry; but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet (one more time) I said I'm sorry mama! I never meant to hurt you! I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet