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writingwithcolor · 3 years

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I'm writing an AU of a movie that takes place in the 1880s USA, where a travelling white character and a Jewish character are waylaid by Native Americans, who they befriend. Probably because it was written by and about PoC (Jews) the scene actually avoids the stuff on your Native American Masterpost, but I'd still like to do better than a movie made in the 1980's, and I feel weird cutting them from the plot entirely. I have a Jewish woman reading it for that, but are there any things you (1/1)

2/2 1880s western movie ask--are there things you'd LIKE to see in a movie where a white man and a Jewish man run into Native Americans in the 1880s? I do plan to base them on a real tribe (Ute, probably) and have proper housing/clothes and so forth, but right now I'm just trying to avoid or subvert awful cowboy movie tropes. Any ideas?

White and Jewish Men, Native American interactions in 1880s

I am vaguely concerned with how you only cite one of our posts about Native Americans, that was not written by a Native person, and do not cite any of the posts relating to this time period, or any posts relating to representation in media.

Sidenote: if you want us to give accurate reflections of the media you’re discussing, please tell us the NAME. I cannot go look up this movie based off this description to give you an idea of what my issues are with this scene, and must instead trust that the representation is good based off your judgement. I cannot make my own judgement. This is a problem. Especially since your whole question boils down to “this scene is good but not great and I want it to be great. How can I do that?”

Your baseline for “good” could very well be my baseline for “terrible hack job”. I can’t give you the proper education required for you to be able to accurately evaluate the media you’re watching for racist stereotypes if you don’t tell me what you’re even working with.

When you’re writing fanfic where the media is directly relevant to the question, please tell us the name of the media. We will not judge your tastes. We need this information in order to properly help you.

Moving on.

I bring up my concern for you citing that one—exceptionally old—post because it is lacking in many of the tropes that don’t exist in the media critique field but exist in the real world. This is an issue I have run into countless times on WWC (hence further concern you did not cite any other posts) and have spoken about at length.

People look at the media critique world exclusively, assume it is a complete evaluation of how Native Americans are seen in society, and as a result end up ignoring some really toxic stereotypes and then come to the inbox with “these characters aren’t abc trope, so they’re fine, but I want to rubber stamp them anyway. Anything wrong here?”. The answer is pretty much always yes.

Issue one: “Waylaid” by Native Americans

This wording is extremely loaded for one reason: Native American people are seen as tricksters, liars, and predators. This is the #1 trope that shows up in the real world that does not show up in media critique. It’s also the trope I have talked about the most when it comes to media representation, so you not knowing the trope is a sign you haven’t read the entirety of the Native tag—which is in the FAQ as something we would really prefer you did before coming at us to answer questions. It avoids us having to re-explain ourselves.

Now, hostility is honestly to be expected for the time period the movie is set in. This is in the beginnings (or ramping up) of residential schools in America* and Canada, we have generations upon generations of stolen or killed children, reserves being allocated perhaps hundreds of miles from sacred sites, and various wars with Plains and Southwest peoples are in full force (Wounded Knee would have happened in 1890, in December, and the Dakoa’s mass execution would have been in 1862. Those are just the big-name wars. There absolutely were others).

*America covers up its residential schools abuse extremely thoroughly, so if you try to research them in the American context you will come up empty. Please research Canada’s schools and apply the same abuse to America, as Canada has had a Truth and Reconciliation Commission about residential schools and therefore is more (but not completely) transparent about the abuse that happened. Please note that America’s history with residential schools is longer than Canada’s history. There is an extremely large trigger warning for mass child death when you do this research.

But just because the hostility is expected does not mean that this hostility would be treated well in the movie. Especially when you consider the sheer amount of tension between any Native actors and white actors, for how Sacheen Littlefeather had just been nearly beaten up by white actors at the 1973 Academy Awards for mentioning Wounded Knee, and the American Indian Religious Freedom Act had only been passed two years prior in 1978.

These Native actors would not have had the ability to truly consent to how they were shown, and this power dynamic has to be in your mind when you watch this scene over. I don’t care that the writers were from a discriminated-against background. This does not always result in being respectful, and I’ve also spoken about this power imbalance at length (primarily in the cowboy tag).

Documentaries and history specials made in the 2010s (with some degree of academic muster) will still fall into wording that harkens Indigenous people to wolves and settlers as frightened prey animals getting picked off by the mean animalistic Natives. This is not neutral, or good. This is perpetuating the myth that the settlers were helpless, just doing their own thing completely unobtrusively, and then the evil territorial Native Americans didn’t want to share.

To paraphrase Batman: if I had a week I couldn’t explain all the reasons that’s wrong.

How were these characters waylaid by the Native population? Because that answer—which I cannot get because you did not name the media—will determine how good the framing is. But based on the time period this movie was made alone, I do not trust it was done respectfully.

Issue 2: “Befriending”

I mentioned this was in an intense period of residential schools and land wars all in that area. The Ute themselves had just been massacred by Mormons in the Grass Valley Massacre in 1865, with ten men and an unknown number of women and children killed thanks to a case of assumed association with a war chief (Antonga Black Hawk) currently at war with Utah. The Paiute had been massacred in 1866. Over 100 Timpanogo men had been killed, with an unknown number of women and children enslaved by Brigham Young in Salt Lake City in 1850, with many of the enslaved people dying in captivity (those numbers were not tracked, but I would assume at least two hundred were enslaved— that’s simply assuming one woman/wife and one child for every man, and the numbers could have very well been higher if any war-widows and their children were in the group, not to mention families with multiple children). This is after an unknown group of Indigenous people had been killed by Governor Brigham Young the year prior, to “permanently stop cattle theft” from settlers.

The number of Native Americans killed in Utah in the 1800s—just the number of dead counted (since women and children weren’t counted)—in massacres not tied to war (because there was at least one war) is over 130. The actual number of random murders is much higher; between the uncounted deaths and how the Governor had issued orders to “deal with” the problem of cattle theft permanently. I doubt you would have been tried or convicted if you murdered Indigenous peoples on “your” land. This is why it’s called state sanctioned genocide.

This is not counting the Black Hawk War in Utah (1865-1872), which the Ute were absolutely a part of (the wiki articles I read were contradictory if Antonga Black Hawk was Ute or Timpanogo, but the Ute were part of it). The first official massacre tied to the war—the Bear River Massacre, ordered by the US Military—places the death count of just that singular massacre at over five hundred Shoshone, including elders, women, and children. It would not be unreasonable to assume that the number of Indigenous people killed in Utah from 1850, onward, is over a thousand, perhaps two or three.

Pardon me for not reading beyond that point to list more massacres and simply ballparking a number; the source will be linked for you to get an accurate number of dead.

So how did they befriend the Native population? Let alone see them as fully human considering the racism of the time period? Natives were absolutely not seen as fully human so long as they were tied to their culture, and assimilation equalling some sliver of respect was already a stick being waved around as a threat. This lack of humanity continues to the present day.

I’m not saying friendship is impossible. I am saying the sheer levels of mistrust that would exist between random wandering groups of white/pale men and Indigenous communities wouldn’t exactly make that friendship easy. Having the scene end be a genuine friendship feels ignorant and hollow and flattening of ongoing genocide, because settlers lied about their intentions and then lined you up for slauther (that’s how the Timpanogo were killed and enslaved).

Utah had already done most of its mass killing by this point. The era of trusting them was over. There was an active open hunting season, and the acceptable targets were the Indigenous populations of Utah.

(sources for the numbers:

List of Indian Massacres in North America Black Hawk War (1865-1872))

Issue 3: “Proper housing/clothes and so forth”

Do you mean Western style settlements and jeans? If yes, congratulations you have written a reservation which means the land-ripped-away wounds are going to be fresh, painful, and sore.

You do not codify what you mean by “proper”, and proper is another one of those deeply loaded colonial words that can mean “like a white man” or “appropriate for their tribe.” For the time period, it would be the former. Without specifying which direction you’re going for, I have no idea what you’re imagining. And without the name of the media, I don’t know what the basis of this is.

The reservation history of this time period seems to maybe have some wiggle room; there were two reservations allocated for the Ute at this time, one made in 1861 and another made in 1882 (they were combined into the Uintah and Ouray Indian Reservation in 1886). This is all at the surface level of a google and wikipedia search, so I have no idea how many lived in the bush and how many lived on the reserve.

There were certainly land defenders trying to tell Utah the land did not belong to them, so holdouts that avoided getting rounded up were certainly possible. But these holdouts would be far, far more hostile to anyone non-Native.

The Ute seemed to be some degree of lucky in that the reserve is on some of their ancestral territory, but any loss of land that large is going to leave huge scars.

It should be noted that reserves would mean the traditional clothing and housing would likely be forbidden, because assimilation logic was in full force and absolutely vicious at this time.

It’s a large reserve, so the possibility exists they could have accidentally ended up within the borders of it. I’m not sure how hostile the state government was for rounding up all the Ute, so I don’t know if there would have been pockets of them hiding out. In present day, half of the Ute tribe lives on the reserve, but this wasn’t necessarily true historically—it could have been a much higher percentage in either direction.

It’s up to you if you want to make them be reservation-bound or not. Regardless, the above mentioned genocide would have been pretty fresh, the land theft in negotiations or already having happened, and generally, the Ute would be well on their way to every assimilation attempt made from either residential schools, missionaries, and/or the forced settlement and pre-fab homes.

To Answer Your Question

I don’t want another flattened, sanitized portrayal of genocide.

Look at the number of dead above, the amount of land lost above, the amount of executive orders above. And try to tell me that these people would be anything less than completely and totally devastated. Beyond traumatized. Beyond broken hearted. Absolutely grief stricken with almost no soul left.

Their religion would have been illegal. Their children would have been stolen. Their land was taken away. A saying about post-apocalyptic fiction is how settler-based it is, because Indigenous people have already lived through their own apocalypse.

It would have all just happened at the time period this story is set in. All of the grief you feel now at the environment changing so drastically that you aren’t sure how you’ll survive? Take that, magnify it by an exponential amount because it happened, and you have the mindset of these Native characters.

This is not a topic to tread lightly. This is not a topic to read one masterpost and treat it as a golden rule when there is too much history buried in unmarked, overfull graves of school grounds and cities and battlefields. I doubt the movie you’re using is good representation if it doesn’t even hint at the amount of trauma these Native characters would have been through in thirty years.

A single generation, and the life that they had spent millennia living was gone. Despite massive losses of life trying to fight to preserve their culture and land.

Learn some history. That’s all I can tell you. Learn it, process it, and look outside of checklists. Look outside of media.

And let us have our grief.

~ Mod Lesya

On Question Framing

Please allow me the opportunity to comment on “are there things you'd LIKE to see in a movie where a white man and a Jewish man run into Native Americans in the 1880s?” That strikes me as the same type of question as asking what color food I’d like for lunch. I don’t see how the cultural backgrounds of characters I have literally no other information about is supposed to make me want anything in particular about them. I don’t know anything about their personalities or if they have anything in common.

Compare the following questions:

“Are there things you’d like to see in a movie where two American women, one from a Nordic background and one Jewish, are interacting?” I struggle to see how our backgrounds are going to yield any further inspiration. It certainly doesn’t tell you that we’re both queer and cling to each other’s support in a scary world; it doesn’t tell you that we uplift each other through mental illness; it doesn’t go into our 30 years of endless bizarre inside jokes related to everything from mustelids to bad subtitles.

Because: “white”, “Jewish”, and “Native American” aren’t personality words. You can ask me what kind of interaction I’d like to see from a high-strung overachieving woman and a happy-go-lucky Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and I’ll tell you I’d want fluffy f/f romance. Someone else might want conflict ultimately resolving in friendship. A third person might want them slowly getting on each other’s nerves more and more until one becomes a supervillain and the other must thwart her. But the same question about a cultural demographic? That told me nothing about the people involved.

Also, the first time I meet a new person from a very different culture, it might take weeks before discussion of our specific cultural differences comes up. As a consequence, my first deep conversations with a Costa Rican American gentile friend were not about Costa Rica or my Jewishness but about things we had in common: classical music and coping with breakups--which are obviously conversations I could have had if we were both Jewish, both Costa Rican gentiles, or both something else. So in other words, I’m having trouble seeing how knowing so little about these characters is supposed to give me something to want to see on the page.

Thank you for understanding.

(And yes, I agree with Lesya, what’s with this trend of people trying to explain their fandom in a roundabout way instead of mentioning it by name? It makes it harder to give meaningful help….)

--Shira

#platypan #genocide #native american #North America #america #history #american history #media #representation #asks

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likeadog · 3 years

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okay so im seeing people get anons about this and its coming up in friend groups so i think now's actually a pretty good time to tackle the idea of religious (specifically cultic) abuse in media and how we as an audience interact with it

TLDR: dehumanization and sexualization of cult victims furthers the misunderstanding that cults "don't exist now", and RA survivors would feel much safer in fandom spaces if people acknowledged and analyzed the harmful portrayals of cults in media.

cw: discussions of cults, abuse, and sexual assault

also, if you have questions, please shoot me an ask or dm (off anon preferably, though)

let me start this with a disclaimer that i dont think every media that features ra is inherently bad. i think thats a bit harsh and as an ra survivor ive come to terms with the fact that there are going to be depictions of it in ways that maybe dont give it the respect it deserves, and trying to "what about [x]" everything will only lead people to talking in circles with themselves. what i want to address here is how you, as a consumer, respond to and parse out what cultic abuse means in any particular portrayal of it.

*also please don't harass people about their RAS status, like, if you see someone enjoying something with a less than stellar portrayal of cults, don't send them asks or dms like "well are YOU a cult survivor?" reducing the consumption of media to a yes or no game based on identity-- especially an identity that comes as the result of explicit pain and spiritual violation is not only derivative but also degrading to survivors and the people you're grilling. all we want is for people to think carefully about what they spread and portray, and how they think about those situations.

so, i think the first thing to tackle is...what is a cult? This is something that's surprisingly hard to define, especially in fictional settings with fictional cults. For example, (and pardon the use of this example, I don't feel like hunting for others), My Hero Academia has an organization in it that I would say fits the criteria for being a cult, but by and large isn't considered one by fans because it's not explicitly called a cult. (Although numerous cult jokes have been made about it). It also has an organization that IS explicitly referred to as a cult.

So, when you're dealing with how to process what is and is not a cult-- and how to make your presence safe for RA survivors, you have to be able to sift through more than just "did the narrative tell me this is a cult?"

There's a few different models people use; one of the most popular being the BITE model-- but I should clarify that the BITE model is really tailored towards religious and strictly hierarchal cults, but can be applied to other kinds of cults.

(and yes, there are cults other than religious/spiritual ones. corporate cults and wellness cults have been on the rise, and it's good to keep that in mind both when engaging with media and also in the real world.)

However, I'm a religious cult survivor, so a lot of my experience is strictly irt this, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, and know that I don't speak for every cult survivor, every religious cult survivor, or every religious abuse survivor. I am One Guy on the internet.

When it comes to media, I have a few questions I run through in order to figure out if something is A Cult.

1) Fringe Ideas. This one is one of those that most people know-- and often incorrectly use to attribute cult status to other things. However, it is worth mentioning, that you don't become a cult by following mainstream ideologies. BUT. BUT. not every group with weird ideas is a cult! Some groups are just weird and are fine being weird. It's a rectangles and squares situation. All cults have fringe ideas and behaviors, not all fringe ideas and behaviors belong to cults.

2) Hierarchies. Cults always have people in power, at least in my experience. There have been ideas thrown around about "completely decentralized cults"-- but to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about that concept, and I don't know enough about it personally to say whether or not it's legitimate. If you have any sources, hmu.

BUT. Most cults have a power structure. You're going to have leaders, usually with a handful at the verrrrry tippy top, whose word is law. This can be associated with things like religious ideas (channelling god) or being "a genius", like in corporate cults.

3) Control. I cannot stress this enough; cults are all about control. How you think, feel, behave-- they discourage critical thought, encourage snitching on each other, buddy-group behavior; the BITE model explicitly lists these models of control.

4) Us V Them. Cults will give all those that oppose them or simply don't believe them a bad name. They're uneducated, they're evil-- it varies cult to cult, but you'll see them turning the non believers into a homogenous, frightening group. They want to discourage looking outwards, and they want to viciously isolate members.

Other things of note are extremism, talks of enlightenment, harsh punishments, the cult eating large portions of the member's finances, etc.

However, this post is largely to address FICTIONAL cults. and the unfortunate fact of the matter is that fictional cults are rarely fleshed out in a way that can be held one to one to a model, and, more often, don't even afford the victims of a cult humanity.

and this is one of THE biggest issues you find in cult portrayals. the leader is usually a charismatic, or perhaps menacing, figure, one that usually our protagonists-- who are rarely cult victims, they are typically outsiders (not inherently bad, mind you)-- faces personally, with the hoardes of mindless zombies forming one giant hurdle.

Naturally, this can be...hurtful. There's nuance to who is and is not a victim in a cult (although my rule of thumb is to look at what abuses that person specifically exerts over others-- and you can be both a victim and perpetrator of abuse. to treat them exclusively is lacking all nuance), but the people are the bottom, even if they joined willingly, are people who were preyed upon. Not only that, but many media cults forget that people can be born into cults, and never really had a choice to begin with. To treat these people like they are mindless-- or that they deserve the suffering they are in because they are there-- completely erases all nuance, humanity, and understanding to the cult survivior struggle. Not only that, but it continues to sensationalize and deify cult leaders, which is doing their job for them, really.

The second biggest issue is the romanticization and sexualization of cults, religious abuse, and cultic abuse.

(yes...this is a thing.)

The use of cults as a way to make a character edgy or tragic is one thing, but there's something sinister about using it to project a certain sexual behavior onto that character-- whether it be as the subjugator or subjugated. Sexual abuse is rampent in cults, and ritualistic sexual abuse is used to justify it. To sexualize the idea of a cult(ist) raping and abusing someone is...beyond offensive to anyone who has been in a cult where their sexual safety and autonomy has been compromised. Or, in some cases, the cultist is so naive and sheltered they can be easily coerced and taken advantage of due to their brainwashing.

This is...bad? This is bad. To ignore the fact that these depictions are just as harmful as any other romanticization of abuse is to ignore the real suffering of cult victims.

Really, the larger problem is that people don't really think cults exist, not really. They're all things of the past, or things that exist solely in fiction-- when in reality, every day cults form and continue to grow. If you've ever met a mormon, you've met a cultist. The moment you begin to process and parce the fact that this isn't as bizarre and unusual and fictional as it seems, you take the steps to respecting people who have been in that situation and become better at detecting cults, cult recruitment, and are able to more clearly assess what you take in.

Once again, there's so many bad portrayal of cults that it would be...stupid to call for an immediate disowning of anything with it in it. I personally have come to terms with the idea that I will have gripes about these portrayals in most cases, but rarely do I see people other than fellow RA or cult survivors discussing these portrayals. I'm hoping people can become more aware and willing to discuss cults in a serious and analytical context and criticize how they're portrayed in the things they love.

And once again, cult survivors are NOT a monolith. If a cult survivor expresses they are uncomfortable with something I said here that I'm not, or vice versa, listen to the people who actively surround you and whom you care about.

#nyc knacks #cults #ive been sitting on this for a while but it came up on the dash and i took the opportunity to talk abt it #bc i feel very passionately abt it #ok 2 rb

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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

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Susie Augustein of Let’s Love Better asked me to share my story. They do a weekly post about an LGBTQ person or a family member or ally. The idea is by sharing our stories that people, especially members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), will get a better sense of who we are, things we deal with, and will develop more understanding and empathy for us.

With that in mind, here’s what I wrote:

I’m David and I am a gay member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was a teenager in the 1980’s and a college student in the 1990’s.

There are no LGBT people at the table where decisions are made for the Church about people like me. Therefore it’s important for LGBT members to share our stories and hope these help soften hearts and increase understanding.

Looking back, the signs of my orientation were there from the time I was a little boy. For example, I stared at the pictures on the packages of underwear at the store, or there would be boys who I really, really wanted to be friends with, things like that. It wasn’t until puberty when I would have erotic dreams that I figured out that I am sexually and romantically turned on by guys. I denied it for a while, thought I must be defective, perhaps it can change. By age 14 or 15 is when, with great reluctance, I accepted that this is a part of me.

At church it was taught that people are like this because they lack faith, so I tried to be the most faithful person, swatting away any questions or doubts, trying to be the best in class and activities. And every little, minor mistake was crushing because it was making me not good enough for God to fix. That was a stressful way to approach life.

I had a great deal of fear to come out. I continued to try to please God. I served a 2-year mission. I went to the Church schools. While in college is when I really came to terms with this is never changing.

I remained closeted for a long time, much longer than I wanted to. The longer I was in the closet, the harder it seemed to come out because it meant admitting that so much of my life, at least as I presented it, was a lie. Staying in the closet kept my world intact. Much of my family’s life revolves around church. Being a member of this church gives me a social network, a map of life goals, and an identity. Coming out meant I could lose all of it and I had no idea what life would be without those things.

Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I finally reached the point where I was thought, “What’s the point of having a life if I wasn’t going to live?” As I was approaching my 40th birthday, I decided it’s time for a change. It was hard to share the secret I had spent my life guarding, and for a while I was very cautious and only came out one person at a time, no big announcement.

There are many things about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I really like, things that resonate with me. I like that our God isn’t silent, that God answers prayers and wants to reveal new things to us. That as individuals and as a church, we learn & progress, line upon line, always becoming better. I love the idea that the ultimate goal is for all people to be unified and linked to each other, that it matters how we treat each other because we need each other. Mormons are really good at building community and a sense of belonging. One thing that helps is the idea of all truth being circumscribed into one great whole, including scientific knowledge. Plus, this church taught me a language to understand spiritual things. I’ve learned a lot about being a better person, to serve and to be empathetic. It’s just that where church intersects with how I was made by our Creator, there is tension.

When I was 18 and the bishop spoke to me about going on a mission, I went home and prayed and asked if God could love me, love what I am. It’s really sad that a person can grow up in church and not even know that. I felt waves of love, warmth and goose bumps radiate across my body and a voice say “you are not broken.” That experience sustained me for many years.

Being gay complicates church for me. Questions that have simple answers for others are complex for me. There’s no way for me to complete the covenant path, I can’t achieve the goals that our religion says should be the purpose of my life.

In November 2015 I was serving as the Stake Young Men president when the Policy of Exclusion was leaked. I was so upset by it that I nearly walked away. Only an impression that God had a work for me to do if I was willing to stay kept me in the Church. In January 2016 my calling changed, and this is my 5th year being the stake executive secretary, which means I am in all the highest councils of my stake. This calling also means I get to meet all General Authorities who come here, I’ve interacted with 10 Seventies & apostles. I still get invited to participate in stake youth activities and have spoken to my stake’s youth about being LGBT. I had a blog post go viral and that led to hundreds of LGBTQ+ teens & twenty-somethings who contacted me to ask questions or who were hurting, and I’ve stayed up late into the night many a time trying to keep them safe. I’ve been invited to share my story on several pages and a few podcasts.

All of this is well beyond what I could have imagined in 2015 when I decided to stay. But this isn’t my work forever. I will again have to revisit the decision to stay or leave. Being in this church has caused serious mental health issues, including suicidal moments, that I’ve had to get help for. I want to love and be loved. I’m tired of going to church and then something is said which wounds, which even if the speaker wasn’t meaning to be unkind, those little surprises still sting. I want to be happy.

I have to figure out what a successful life looks like for me, what the purpose of my life is, how God wants me to partner with Him in the work He is doing in the world today.

I think back to how I felt when I prayed to know if God loves me and how that felt. I don’t think God views being gay as incompatible with the gospel. I’m certain the author of diversity has accounted for it in His Plan. I just wish this church could see it that way

#Let's Love Better #Susie Augustein #David gets personal

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rrrawrf · 5 years

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being ace & mormon

so real quick, huge huge huge thanks to @nerdygaymormon for acknowledging in this post that aro/ace mormons are largely ignored by leadership and, i'd add, mormon culture in general. (please go read that post, it is very good.)

i'm making my own post bc the other one was largely about bi erasure, and i don't wanna derail the conversation, but i do wanna talk about how asexuality and mormonism intersect with each other. the other post talked about how bi mormons that are out to family or leadership are often just told to date or interact with only members of the opposite gender, like that's just something you can do as a bi person. (again, please go through the comments and reblogs of that post, it's so necessary.) being ace, and very possibly aro, can mean that people think i can "pass" as straight, especially within the church. this also tends to be true for bisexual members.

i'm out as ace, in the sense that everyone on the internet knows, i made a facebook post, and i think i've told all my siblings and my parents (i'm actually not sure if i talked about it with my younger bros). however, i've never actually mentioned it to other members in meatspace (besides my family), because i really don't think that the different bishoprics or leadership i've met would really get it.

YSA wards, as we all know, are notorious for never shutting up about dating and marriage. even people actively seeking out their eternal spouse are sick of it. but honestly, family wards also push it pretty hard, just kind of in a different way (post-marriage and roles of spouses, generally). and i know i'm preaching to the choir, but i'm tired of it, too, because it's just pushing the same heteronormative, nuclear family, that it has since we stopped polygamy.

i always hesitate to speak up about ace stuff for a couple reasons. i don't get very involved in the queerstake on here, or in queer groups irl, bc i rarely feel like that's okay or that my views are as important because people so rarely talk about asexual people or issues outside of all the uber overly cheerful positivity posts on tumblr about how valid we all are. honestly, kinda sick of hearing how valid i am, but nothing else. (absolutely not a knock against anyone in queerstake, my inactivity is just my fault.) i'm an inclusionist, i believe aro/aces belong in the queer community, but i also always hesitate to say that we're oppressed on the same level as others in the acronym. again, because if you're just asexual (like me), it's really easy to just pass as a straight person who just ~hasn't found the right person~ yet. we don't have laws against us, or lack rights, but like... we've always been here. tumblr is notorious for insisting aces aren't queer. aro/aces are mocked, dismissed, and sometimes suffer corrective rape and other abuses. and so many times i go to church and hear another marriage talk and i sit there and wonder, what's my place in this church, then?

i'm 27. maybe i will get married to a guy. my patriarchal blessing says one day i'll be looking for a man to take me to the temple (????????? ok). but i'm 27. i don't want to date. i don't want a marriage with sex. i don't find any human sexually attractive. and at 27, i'm pretty darn sure the problem isn't that i just haven't found the right person yet, like every frickin aro/ace person has been told. so according to the doctrine as we know it now, and as i myself am now, i'm not eligible for the highest level of celestial glory.

so what's my place? none of us wants to compromise our identity, but sometimes it feels like church culture is asking us to do that. i've been extremely lucky in my life - i've never been assaulted, i've never been molested, i've never really experienced the kind of prejudice or attacks that other people, mormon and/or queer and/or female and/or just being alive, have. but i've heard comments i'm sure a lot of ace people have.

my mom - reacted fairly well, i think, but said, "well, don't label yourself, because you never know and do you really need everyone to know?"

my next-older sister - again, reacted fairly well, but said, "our friend said something like that, but now she's married!"

an investigator i met on tumblr a few years ago - "wow it must be so easy for you, you don't have to deal with sexual temptation. also, missionaries said that if you don't marry in this life, you'll find your mate in the next life anyway."

and i'm sure there's more. there's always more. people act like being ace is a terrible, unfortunate thing to have happened to me. and then people who say, "you'll meet the right one :)" might even be right, but then here's our next hurdle.

i don't think i'll want or enjoy sex. and i can't really just 'try it out,' because i feel like that would just be a mockery of the temple and doctrine we've been given (this is different than people who have had premarital sex for whatever reason; this is just my views on my situation).

this is really long and rambly and i think i might've lost my point, which is - i feel forgotten a lot of the time when it comes to being ace. rep is scarce and seen as unnecessary, and in the church, i feel like no one even knows we exist. and if they do, it's something we can just get over, suck it up, get married in the next life and ignore this part of yourself because you want eternal salvation, right? and the only goal worth attaining for everyone is eternal marriage to get the top tier. and once you find ~The One~ then everything will be magically fixed.

i don't want to find the one. i'm just tired of being forgotten, and i'm tired of being silent because other people have it worse.

#mormon stuff #queerstake #tumblrstake #i'm just gonna suck it up and post this #lds #asexuality #long post #back to work so if you interact don't expect a timely response

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colllapsingstarr-blog · 6 years

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giant panic reclist (organized by ship)

So, I organized everything by ship because you never know what people are into, and I read pretty much anything and everything I can get my hands on that’s long. This is a fanfiction reclist for Panic! at the Disco fics only. Will I ever address other bands? Perhaps. Everything’s below the break.

Note: I have not read every Panic! fic in existence. Cut me some slack here if your absolute favorite isn’t on this list, and if it’s NOT please send it to me, I’d love to read it!

I’ll be including poly ships in the next list, because this list is long enough as it is. If I were to add poly ships, we’d be here all day.

Let’s start with the popular ones, shall we?

Format: Title by Author (click for story) | Rating, Word count, Author’s summary | Personal thoughts

If a link is broken/incorrect, please let me know. That stuff’s embarrassing.

Fics may or may not require an AO3 login (as I have an account, so I don’t know which are locked and which aren’t). Any fics hosted on LiveJournal (noted with a * at the start of the title) do not require a login, as far as I’m aware, because I don’t have a LiveJournal.

Ryden

- Sense of Touch by pressdbtwnpages | G, 5434, Brendon and Ryan turn into otters, but that's just the beginning of the problem. | It’s been a while since I’ve read this story (I did, once upon a time.) I don’t remember much, but this is pretty much absolutely hilarious.

- Just One of the Girls by skoosiepants | T, 20830, "Spence, I'm. Look, I'm going to prove this girl-thing to you, okay? I'm going to," he held up his hands, "this is so brilliant, I'm going to become a girl." | I actually really enjoyed this fic. It was interesting to see all the different interactions, and the way that it actually sort of all comes together in the end.

- for other meanings of tsunami by jocondite | T, 36352, On the Nothing Rhymes With Circus tour, Brendon comes up with a brilliant, brilliant plan to get regular orgasms without resorting to the palpitating groupies Zack disapproves of. Sure, he's never thought of himself as gay, but blowjobs know no gender, and if Ryan's willing, why the hell not? The path to true Nirvana is anything but smooth, though, and a lot of bad sex later, Brendon figures a few things out. | This speaks for itself, I’m pretty sure. This is a reclist. I’m soft for long fics.

- You Will Know The Difference When I Touch You by two_waymirror | E, 5348, It wasn’t a gay thing at first. Well, it was possible that Brendon had a tiny little crush on Ryan, but it was a buried thing in the back of his still-half-Mormon brain, emerging very slowly. | Not as long as most of my favorites, but still well-written.

- A Light On a Hill by rubblerousing | T, 17918, My greatest flaw is that I keep a running list of eight separate sentences that I, at one point in my life, have spoken aloud and which could have, maybe, possibly, embodied within them the reason Ryan Ross has decided to hate me. Some people’s greatest flaws are their overly prominent features. Some people would tell me my greatest flaw should be my overly prominent features. My friends would say my greatest flaw is that I am too outspoken; people who are under the delusion they are my friends but in actuality are not would say my greatest flaw is that I am too reserved. Maybe it’s the other way around. If I were a better person and could admit I probably very dearly ought to be under the watchful eye of a psychiatrist, because I have some kind of obsession with thinking about things too much, and with keeping lists, then my psychiatrist would say my greatest flaws are cowardice, being unable to move on from the past, an addiction to adulation, keeping lists, and perhaps Ryan Ross, if I ever got around to mentioning him. | I’m not a big fan of first person POV fics in general, no matter if it’s in irl books or in fanfiction, but here it just...works? I don’t know. Read it for yourself.

- Anyone Else But You by zarah5 | M, 67238, College AU. Panic never formed at high school. Instead, they meet at college, and in between striking up a friendship with his working colleague Spencer and trying to ensure that his roommate Jon doesn’t get sick of him, in between forming a band and writing songs, Brendon would really appreciate it if his bandmate (and Spencer’s best friend) Ryan Ross didn’t turn out to be Brendon’s TA. Especially considering their fling just before the start of the term. | You may or may not have read this already. This fic is worth rereading, though.

- Leaving Without Moving by northern | E, 29874, "I'm not trying to embarrass you or anything here. But seriously, I'm just trying to make things clear - what you want is to be my own personal little toy, is that it? You want to be my pet in the... pet sense?" “Not if you're not interested," Ryan gritted out, hot with shame. "You can stop making fun of me now. That was fucking hard to say." He rested his head on his arms, feeling weak and slightly nauseated with how his stomach was churning. | Not a fan of vampire AUs, ordinarily. I’m okay with blood, but for some reason vampire AUs aren’t my thing. However, I was willing to make an exception for this fic and I’m glad I did, because even though it isn’t my normal pick of AU, it’s really well-written.

- A tendency to wear hearts on sleeves by kyasuriin | G, 1758, A guitar is perhaps not something that friends, even bandmates, get for each other. Brendon just hopes Ryan won't notice the way his heart is practically falling off his sleeve. | Um. Don’t have much to say on this one?

- The Heart Rate of a Mouse by arctic_grey | Not including stats | Well-known. Don’t need to say anything. Loved this fic.

- Oh Doctor Doctor by softlyforgotten | E, 17269, It was just that on his first day in the oncology department of the hospital six years ago, he'd been introduced to Dr Ryan Ross, Head Surgeon, and fallen stupidly and irrevocably in love with him, and that, apparently, was that. (A hospital AU.) | The title reminds me of Razia’s Shadow, so when I saw this it was an instant click. Love how this fic isn’t just about the relationship (despite the implications of the summary); there’s more to it.

- *Back To The Place by behindthec | E, around 93000, Once upon a time, Panic went to a cabin in the mountains to write an album they never made. One night there, something happened that Ryan tried to forget. Two years later, he still hasn't. | I have. No words for this fic. It is just that good. I know that the primary site for fanfiction is AO3, and a lot of fics are cross-posted (I tried to find what I could on AO3, because on some I have the LJ version bookmarked), but consider trying out a different format for reading. It’s a little annoying, but this fic makes it so worth it.

- *Ryan Ross: Wedding Planner (What We Do Is Love) by adellyna | M, Unknown, Ryan plans weddings! Just not gay weddings. Ok, maybe just this once. | Hilarious one-shot. Like. This is serious fic, but also very, very funny.

- *just this once, be my savior by sinuous_curve and insunshine | E, around 32k, In which Ryan has a daughter, Brendon has a nephew and somehow, they manage to fall in love. | Kid!fic.

Brallon

Doing this reclist made me realize exactly how few fics I read with just this pairing. I normally read the two of them with someone else in a poly ‘ship, but not the two of them by themselves? (send me some. please)

(I actually have read one I liked, but I’m too lazy to dig it up. The title was something in French, I think.)

Brencer

This pairing is a hard preference over most other pairings. I just. Like it a lot.

There are probably more fics on this list than there are in any other ship I include on this list.

- There Should Be A Name For Something Like This by skoosiepants | T, 3777, It was the best idea Brendon had ever had, ever. | Sometimes I read things because they’re long and have a good summary, and other times I just want a laugh. This is one of those fics.

- Supersaturation by skoosiepants | T, 15017, Brendon's a little in love with Lieutenant Spencer Smith. And not, like, fifteen-year-old girl love, either, but the kind of love where his chest hurts and he wants to be around him constantly and he wants into his pants, and okay. It pretty much sounds like fifteen-year-old girl love, but it's not, no matter what Ryan says. Spencer is just. Pretty. And competent and, okay, the sidearm is totally sexy. He didn't think he'd ever go for that, but the handling of it, his hands, really, and the thigh holster? Makes Brendon want to lick him. A lot. | Not linking the whole series because I’ve only read the first two. Crossover with Stargate Atlantis, but I have absolutely no knowledge of that fandom, and I was perfectly fine.

- Certain Coasts Set Apart by skoosiepants | T, 15327, It was easier to get lost on the Virginian coast than Spencer thought it would be. | This is one of two Spencer-ends-up-isolated-from-Panic!fics that I love. Both of their plots are actually caused by similar catalysts, surprisingly.

- Anywhere You Let It Go by skoosiepants | T, 21211, "Okay, this is what I've figured out so far. I'm stuck in some sort of hell that looks vaguely like a Sandra Bullock movie." | Brencer is sort of a side pairing, but I’m still considering it because it drives the plot and isn’t just an aside for the main character (Patrick).

- the Sweater Vests series by disarm_d | E, 15709, (first work summary) Spencer can't believe himself for trying something like this. He can't believe that he'd risk his friendship with Brendon, his friendships with everyone else if Brendon decided to tell, his place in the school if Brendon caused enough fuss. Except that when Brendon's tongue brushes over his lower lip, it's easier to understand why. | British boarding school AU! Angst! Hurty, but in the good way.

- Towns Flying By by jocondite | T, 3976, Brendon is very much in love with the van. He draws a ragged row of little black hearts on the back door, just above where some girl in some town had scrawled her phone number. He loves it right up until the heat cuts out somewhere in the middle of Colorado that first November. (Cuddling for warmth). | Cute fluff.

- The Way It Is Now by skoosiepants | T, 5790, He ponders on how exactly to phrase his question. Finally, he sends, is spencer dying andor eating babies | This author is on this reclist a lot? Maybe, but they write excellent fic.

- The Magic Friend Band by skoosiepants | T, 9408, The totally true story of how Spencer Smith joined Patrick & Brendon's Magic Friend Band. | This author actually writes really funny stories. They’re enjoyable, but also have an underlying thread of seriousness.

- Once Upon a Time’s Only Fiction When Tomorrow Becomes Today by rossetti | E, 13344, The year Virginia Dale Wentz turns five her parents die in an accident aboard a chartered day-boat to Catalina. | Under Brencer because that’s endgame. Ryan/Spencer is a thing but only as friends with benefits. Kid!fic. Always adorable.

- In the Sirocco by sevenfists | M, 12241, A story about hypnosis, God, marijuana, and true love. | There are two hypnotism stories on this list. This is the more angsty one.

- Panic! at the Barn-Raising series by vixalicious | T, 20895, (first work) Um. They're Amish. | Sort of ridiculous but really also quite good.

- Tell me to stop by AirgiodSLV | E, 29335, “You have no idea what you’re doing, okay?” Ryan says in exasperation, blowing out a huffy breath. “I’m just saying. I think…I might know a guy.” | Warning: kink fic. I might be ace and don’t get off on it, but I can still appreciate it for what it is.

- But you can’t be missed by elenor_lavish | E, 20664, "No, I mean. It's like you haven't aged a single day." Ryan steals another glance, and Brendon looks uncomfortably out the window. The back streets of Vegas look a lot like he remembers them. The cars in the driveways aren't really different, people are still dressed the same, dragging their trash to the sidewalk in their pajamas. No one's in some sort of space-age suit or wearing a video visor, or walking a robotic dog. If Brendon was going to be dropped unceremoniously into the future without his consent, there could at least be robotic dogs. | Time travel fic! Um. This one is sort of weird, but it’s also really good.

- The Sweet Spot by vixalicious | T (though I think it’s closer to M), 14872, "Responsibility" should be Spencer Smith's middle name (except it's James). After all, not many people would sacrifice their lives to run the family bakery and raise their twin sisters. But now the girls are grown, and Spencer has to learn to put his own needs first! And Brendon, the Sweet Spot's newest regular, might just be what Spencer's looking for. But will Brendon's past get in the way of their present? | I’m pretty sure this was for the LJ challenge harlequin_bands, and it shows, but I’m into those tropes, so it’s all good.

- All In The Way That You Trip by skoosiepants | M, 22199, “I’m going to ask you one more time,” he says, and he looks – Brendon shudders – he looks like he wants Brendon to stay quiet, like he’s just itching to take Brendon apart and maybe put him back together wrong. “Where is Ryan?” | I initially read this fic on LJ, so when I found out that it was also hosted on AO3, I was like: huh? But: secret agent!Spencer is a concept I can get behind.

- Personal Affairs by zarah5 | M, 31094, Office AU. When Spencer Smith is put in charge of planning some legal aspects of a top secret, rather spectacular take-over of another company, he quickly falls into an e-mail sort-of-flirtation with his colleague at another site, Brendon Urie. But when Brendon actually visits New York and Spencer for a face-to-face meeting, Spencer withdraws because how do you handle it when someone you exchanged countless e-mails with turns out to be just as hot as you imagined? | I am NOT qualified to make a reclist where I give my own thoughts, okay? This fic was really good, albeit the conflict was superficial.

- Only Unto Him by disarm_d | E, 25837, As a Prince(ish person), Spencer was meant to be pure in every way. He didn't know what to expect from an arranged marriage — but certainly not Brendon's incessant grabby hands. Who did this bouncy, mysterious stranger think he was? AND ARE SEXY TIMEZ EVER GOING TO HAPPEN? [Hint: it is quite likely they are.] | This fic is great. This was another one I originally read on LJ, but I reread it on AO3, so. You don’t lose anything from the switch between platforms, and for me it’s easier to read it all in one place (so I always turn on read full work on AO3 instead of chapter by chapter, so theoretically I can read it all in one sitting.)

- Stranger In This Town by seratonation | E, 11427, It was an idyllic sort of life. He had a secure job, a substantial paycheck, and a loving husband. And yet, Spencer felt tired. He felt numb, like everything around him was fading, or maybe it was the other way around, and he was the one who was fading. | I have Not seen the movie this is based on, but most fics that are based off of other things you don’t need knowledge of it for.

- If You’re Listening, Sing It Back by blackbird | E, 10079, If sometimes he ends up in the men's room with another guy pressed up against the door, that's no one else's business. Until one morning, by accident, it is. | I recently reread this fic, and most of the fics I’ve read are just as good on the reread.

- Closer by tigs | T, 1725, It feels different when, the moment Ryan sees them, he slams to a halt and says, "Shhh! We don't want to interrupt Spence and Brendon's cuddle time!" | Cuddle time! Accidental relationships!

- Into This Dream by (an orphaned account) | E, 28417, He's my best friend. I wish I could have been his. | I really understand Brendon in this fic. Wanting someone to be as close of friends with someone as you are with them is familiar to me, so Brendon’s decisions make a little more sense. (But I’m aromantic! So there is no romantic interest in my friends. So similar, but not completely the same.)

- And I’d Be Your Memory by tigs | Unrated, 8383, And somehow, midway through the tour, the postcard collecting becomes known as Brendon’s thing. | This is a feel-good fic.

- The Estranged Governess by wildestranger | E, 33258, Brendon is a governess with a disgraced past, who comes to teach the young cousins of Sir Spencer Smith. Sir Spencer is amused by this bouncy young man, and finds himself paying far to much attention to Mr Boyd's secretive manner as well as to the way he fills his regrettably old and worn clothes . Furthermore, Sir Spencer's oldest friend, the dissolute Lord Ross, is trying to woo, unsuccessfully, his estate manager Mr Walker. despite the tumultuous passion between them, Mr Walker refuses to give in to Lord Ross's advances as long as Lord Ross refuses to admit that it is more than a tumble in the hey that he wants from Mr Walker. Fortunately, Walker is a patient man and willing to wait while Ross goes through his tantrums. To this entangled situation arrives Mr Wentz, a cousin of Sir Spencer and an old flame of Lord Ross. Mr Wentz is known for his debauched lifestyle and delights in causing mayhem - and he seems far too interested in Sir Spencer's new tutor. But will the lovers find a way? Will Brendon lose his flower and find healing through the magic of buttsex? Will Ryan learn to admit his feelings and finally convince Jon Walker to bed him? | For some reason I associate this fic with this GSF fic that will be later on this list.

- Sea Change by sunsetmog | M, 53895, After getting his heart broken, Spencer tries to start a new life without the band. | This is the other Spencer-leaves-Panic! fic on this list. This one’s a lot more angsty, but also really great.

- Lights Never Shine as Bright as in the Movies by Sena | E, 35251, Brendon Urie's a master's student in music at UNLV who happens to make porn on the side. Spencer Smith's a wilderness photographer who happens to really, really like the online porn Brendon makes. They meet and shenanigans ensue. Also featuring Shane Valdes as Brendon's roommate and owner of his very own online porn site, William Beckett as Las Vegas' bitchiest maitre 'd, Gabe Saporta as a mime waiter, Greta Salpeter as a harried and overworked assistant, and Ryan Ross as himself. | It’s a...lot more angsty than you might think it is based on the summary.

- This Kind of Experience is Necessary For Her Learning by sinuous_curve | E, 8867, High on his shoulder, just off the ridge of his shoulder blade, he has an oblong bruise sunk into his skin. It's bright, livid purple, ridged with a regular series of darker spots along the edge. Spencer has a moment of wondering whether he was the victim of a prank he's since forgotten about or if he got abducted by aliens or someshit. Then, in a rush, he remembers. | Kink story. Why is Brencer the ship where everyone writes the kink stories? Serious question.

- E-mail Ficcish: Ashlee Simpson, Girl Romance Detective by Elucreh | T, 1370, RACHEL: http://twitter.com/petewentz/statuses/8302818080 LU: OH MY GOD, PETE, I LOVE HOW MARRIED YOUR DOUBLE DATE COMPANIONS ARE RACHEL: This is clearly the fic where Ashlee thinks they ARE dating and there's a lot of awkward coughing and hemming and hawing when they try to explain that uh... actually no?(BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE IN LOVE) | AAAAAAAA

- More Adventurous by fictionalaspect | E, 48831, Spencer wondered if everyone thought he and Brendon were dating. He wondered about the way Brendon was always so tactile with him, the effortless way Brendon sort of fell into Spencer's personal space like he belonged there. He wondered if it was weird that Brendon was sleeping in his bed, if maybe Jess had just misheard him and assumed they were sleeping together in Spencer's bed, like Spencer used to do with Ryan. It got to the point that he wasn't even paying attention to what was going on in the game, and thus was totally blindsided when a particularly impressive kick by Taylor Murphy caught Spencer squarely in the balls. "Motherfucker," Spencer swore, when he felt himself capable of forming words again. "Happens to the best of us," Mr. Davies said, clapping him firmly on the shoulder. The impact jarred his back and by extension Spencer's sore balls, and he squeaked in pain. "You'll be alright," Mr. Davies said. "Just keep your eye on the ball next time. And watch that language." "Sure," Spencer said, instead of what he wanted to say, which was "Fuck you, douchebag." Spencer didn't need his gym teacher's sympathy, he needed a fucking ice pack. | Panic! at the Disco’s origin story is seriously like a fanfiction. Seriously.

- The Name of this Thing is Not Love by fictionalaspect | E, 21912, "I'm telling you," Jon says, and clicks his tongue behind his teeth like a disappointed grandmother. "There's a whole other world out there, man. You need to expand your horizons a little." "That's nice," Spencer says. It gives him a weird jolt in his stomach, to hear Jon spell it out like that. "Thank you for your concern. My sexuality is fine, thanks. It doesn't need your sympathy or your support." "It might get you laid," Jon says. "I get laid," Spencer says. "Sometimes." "No, you don't," Jon says. "You think very hard about it, decide it isn't worth it, and then you go home and order Chinese." | This fic, for some reason, feels like part of an almost totally unrelated story written way earlier by a different author. Like. Seriously.

- When Life Gives You Lemons (Say F**k the Lemons and Bail) by fiddleyoumust | E, 26475, Brendon and Spencer go on a cruise to escape their problems. They end up finding more than rest and relaxation. | Stands on its own.

- Amateur Cartography by fictionalaspect | E, 42365, In the summer of 2008, Brendon’s still trying to figure everything out. He’s good at keeping his own secrets, but when a prank goes awry, he’s faced with the realization that Spencer has some secrets of his own. They end up stumbling backwards into a complicated relationship—one that definitely doesn’t include sex. Or does it? | Again, kink fic. There are a few more on this list, I think.

- Works Both Ways by rsadelle | M, 1255, "The mate bond works both ways." Mark seems to realize that no one knows what to say to that, and he looks over at Spencer. "Are we not supposed to say anything about that?" | Werewolf AU.

- The Amazing Tail of Brendon Boyd Urie by RedOrchid | T, 1977, For the prompt: Brendon/Spencer, born with a tail. Written for no-tags 2011 | I’m pretty sure this is crack.

- If Music Be The Food Of Love (I’ll Have The Veggie Burger) by sunsetmog | M, 42250, Oblivious High School Failboats in Love, or, Brendon Urie: The High School Years. | Seriously. Panic!’s origin is very much so like a fanfic.

- Love Makes People Do The Wacky (or: Brendon Urie and Jon Walker, Adventures in Bromance) by ohohstarryeyed | M, 10651, As far as Brendon is concerned, being in love with Spencer would fucking suck, if it weren't for Jon Walker. | The power of friendship!

- Thereafter You Have It (And Tango Makes Three) by sunsetmog | E, 89286, Baby!fic. As harriet_vane succinctly put it, the almost true story of how Brendon's an idiot, Spencer brings Brendon shiny rocks, and no one gets any sleep. Or, alternatively, the one in which Brendon accidentally gets a girl pregnant, decides he wants to be a dad, and pretends like he's not in love with Spencer. "Hey, baby girl," Brendon says, softly. He thinks he should have thought of something more profound to welcome his daughter in to the world. | Kid!fic is my weakness, okay?

- Do Rockstars Dream Of Electric Sheep? by themoononastick | M, 18229, Spencer has weird dreams, questions his sexuality and spends a lot of time hiding things away in boxes in his mind. | This one is...weird and sort of puts you in a daze. I don’t know, okay?

- Here At The Right Time by sunsetmog | E, 51477, How had he managed to get this far in life without realizing exactly what it was that turned him on? | More kink-based fic.

- Cute Girls (Just Wanna Have Fun) by LittleMousling | E, 36960, Brent may have tricked Ryan and Spencer into auditioning a girl guitarist, but there's no question that Brendon is the best they've seen. Soon enough she's their new best buddy, too, hanging out at Spencer's house almost as much as Ryan does. The band is finally coming together, and Spencer's starting to think they might really make it as musicians--if she can stop getting distracted by her hopeless crush on Brendon. | The third early-Panic!-retelling I have. (There might be more idk.)

- A Presumption of Functionality (A Gas-Light Romance) by sunsetmog | G, 44502, When a spy brings news that an old inventor might have the key to finally bringing the war with Napoleon to an end, Spencer Smith, Officer of His Majesty's War Office, is dispatched north to discover if there's anything to these tales of dirigibles and flying-craft. Instead of flying-craft, however, he finds a unusual, dilapidated house – and instead of an old inventor, he finds Brendon Urie, complete with his pet hedgehog. With Brendon's scientist grandfather missing, Spencer is left trying to protect Brendon, rescue his grandfather and ensure that the secrets of flying-craft remain out of enemy hands. Vaguely steampunk-y AU in which the Napoleonic Wars didn't end with the Battle of Waterloo in 1815, but instead carried on well into the next decade. | I’m weak for steampunk AUs.

- Graham Need Not Apply by Pennyplainknits | T, 10327, Spencer doesn't want to be just one in a string of drummers for Panic. He's trying his hardest not to be another Graham, which would be easier if someone would tell him exactly what it is that Graham did. Or: Spencer pines, Brendon is a brave little toaster, and Ryan Ross will cut you. | That last part is practically a summary of most Brencer fics.

- I’d Hate To See You Frown by oanja | T, 52114, One would think that agreeing to an arranged marriage would make Spencer unhappy, but in fact he has nothing against it. Spencer has never been one to waste his time imagining swooping romances for himself, so settling for something more pragmatic is fine by him - especially as it's so beneficial to the family business. What he did not account for was his best friend Ryan becoming entangled in a very unsuitable affair with a libertarian, or that he would find his new spouse so appealing. Trying to prevent Ryan from ruining his reputation while adjusting to married life is going to require a delicate touch, which is not something Spencer has ever been known for. | Regency AU.

- Call It Home series by sunsetmog and fictionalaspect | E, 45630, Brendon feels like the one fixed thing in his life, the one unchangeable constant that Spencer can rely on even when everything around him is going to shit. It just figures that Spencer's going to ruin that, too, when they get back to LA and he makes his move. | This series was supposedly going to have more installments (I saw this on LJ, too), but with the two stories it currently has, it still feels complete.

- A Troubling of Hummingbirds by jukeboxghost | E, 11407, "Man," says Spencer, articulately, but Brendon gets it, he does. Here they are, here for a few days with two rented surfboards held together by layer after layer of duct tape and surfwax, the sweet smell of pungently rotting kelp, even sweeter surf, fresh fish and smokin' BBQ and gentle dusk every night and it's so utterly indulgent. Brendon feels fucking, like, nourished, feels like his insides have been scrubbed clean and copper-bright with wire wool, like all the dust and detritus and loose, lost feelings have been swept neatly into the corner, pruned and weeded and spring-cleaned. He takes a huge breath in. "Fuck yeah," he says. | This fic is sort of weird and airy in the unsettling way, but it’s really well-written.

- Hold on Tight and Don’t Let Go by fiddleyoumust | T, 13975, In reality, Brent brings Brendon to practice and Spencer falls in love with him the moment he bounces through the door of Spencer's garage. | The Story of Panic!, as told by yet another author.

- Stop Breathe Count To Three by sunsetmog and I think fictionalaspect (but I’m not completely sure on that) | E, 14907, "So, it's a comfort thing. It's just a comfort thing. Sometimes Brendon likes to suck on Spencer's nipples, and Spencer likes to hold him there and stroke his hair. Nothing weird about that." Or: We're not sorry. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. | This one’s sort of weird, but that’s okay.

- White Houses series by boxparade | Unrated, 44628, The one where Brendon is a music major who works at a diner and Spencer is the culinary arts major who thinks he’s cute. Ryan is all philosophical and kinda creepy (duh) and Jon works for Spencer’s dad, who happens to be the President of the United States. | Fluffy.

- Don’t cut your hair (Do you think it’s going to make him change?) by harriet_vane | T, 38891, The original summary was: Set a little while in the future. The band takes a break and Brendon gets bored. Spencer goes with him. Now I suppose it would be "Set a little bit in a slightly nicer past, where Brendon and Spencer go on tour by themselves but it isn't the end of the band." | Haven’t read this one in a while. I need to reread it, but I remember it being good.

- Suppose We Never Ever by playfullips | M, 23111, After Haley breaks it off with Spencer, Brendon helps him get back on his feet. Time passes, and Spencer finds himself seeing Brendon in a different light. | A lot more angsty than you’d think?

- Interlinked by doctor_jalsey | T, 12784, A story about finding yourself in the most unusual way and new beginnings. Or conversely, a mildly steampunkish fic where Spencer doesn’t realize he’s dating Brendon. | Still weak for steampunk.

- Forever Together by eledhwenlin | E, 15232, Spencer was taken by the phouka when he was only eight years old. He has grown up in their world and considers himself part of their community. But when Brendon and Spencer fall in love, they face serious ramifications ... and the only solution is to brave the human world together on their own, if they don't want to give up their love. | Fantasy is my favorite genre, mostly taken out on real books.

- I Wish I Could Remember You by sunsetmog | T, 8411, Spencer wakes up in the hospital after a surfing accident, and can't remember the last three years of his life. The doctors tell him his amnesia is likely to only be temporary, but in the meantime, Spencer can't remember the house he shares with Brendon, their dog, or how long they've been dating. Because--they are dating, right? | Not much to say on this one.

- The Heart of Lonesome Sky by heartsdesire456 | E, 30609, When Brendon Urie arrives at Rusty Creek, a ranch town so small the saloon doesn't even have a name, all he knows is that the man he was sent to marry was named Spencer Smith. At first glance, Brendon can't understand why a man as handsome and well established as Spencer Smith would need a mail-order groom when he should have been able to get any eligible man or woman in Rusty Creek. Through awkwardness, acceptance, and eventually belonging, Brendon has a chance to eventually learn the heart of the man who brought him to Lonesome Sky ranch. | Historical AUs!

- Autocorrect Says I Longview You But I Say I Love You by Count_B and Shakespeares_Girl | T, 2027, When you're in love, you leave little notes everywhere, and you just can't stop texting each other, and eventually, those things pile up and tell a story all their own. (Story told in love notes and text messages, and a tweet or two.) | Really, really cute.

- Fear of Flying by mokuyoubi | E, 29356, Spencer Smith, part-owner and celebrated head chef of noted restaurant Panic! At The Disco, is talented, rich, and gorgeous. The rest of the staff can't even seem to remember that Brendon works there. “You’re really good at that,” Jon observed. “Good at what?” Brendon asked, swirling his spoon in his dish. The ice cream was a melted mess by now. “Finding excuses not to come to the party even when you’re invited, not letting Spencer get to know you even when he asks you a direct question about yourself,” Jon said casually. Brendon dropped his spoon and glared across the table. “What are you trying to say?” “I’m saying that you don’t want anyone getting any closer to you,” Jon said. “How long were you with your last boyfriend?” | Warning: may make you hungry. (Also, I’m pretty sure jackfruit doesn’t look like that - I’ve eaten it.)

- Cinderella AU series by mokuyoubi | E (whole series), 32169, A Brencer retelling (sort of) of Cinderella. | This should really be a brencer fic but my favorite part of this is Pete/Ashlee/Patrick and idk why.

- The View From Here by mokuyoubi | E, 13634, Spencer has an irrational fear of Ferris wheels. Brendon sees it as his duty as best friend to cure him of it. | Or: Jon and Ryan try to set Spencer and Brendon up!

- The Gay Mormons series by stele3 | T, 39104, No summary | Poly!Spencer is amazing, okay?

- A Storm Brewing by bad_peppermint | G, 25073, Ever since he started university, Spencer has been quite content studying his dragons and trying to talk to Brendon, the young man who works at Spencer's boarding house. Having the dragons fall mysteriously ill is the last thing he wants, but then again, it does mean more time spent with Brendon as they try to figure out what's wrong. | The full title is too long, okay?

- There’s a boy that I like by spendon | T, 3833, 'There's a boy that I like,' Brendon began typing, fingers moving swiftly over the keyboard, tapping the keys delicately. |

- that one regret is you by thescrewtapedemos | E, 13969, There’s a witch living way out in the woods (that’s Spencer) and there’s someone running blindly through said woods (that’s Brendon) and that’s about where the similarity to a fairytale ends (there’s a cauldron but Spencer only uses it to make soup so Brendon’s pretty sure it doesn’t count) | Fantasy, again, is my favorite genre of rl novels. So, it’s pretty much a given that with this length + this AU, I would at least read it. But it’s actually great.

- Rule #3 (Wear Your Heart On Your Cheek) by Kandakicksass | E, 7768, "someone write me a brencer au where when you fall in love, a little heart shows up on your body, in totally random places, and Spencer falls in love for the first time with Brendon during like idk nothing rhymes with circus tour and the heart is like this cute thing that shows up on HIS FACE somewhere (like under his eye, on his cheek, or up high on his forehead) and he’s so embarrassed by it and it takes Brendon like two months and a lot of laughing from Ryan for him to figure out that Spencer is in love with him" I keep filling my own prompts. Enjoy. | The fact that the title came from a Marina song made me love this fic even more.

- And the world has its shine (but I would drop it on a dime for you) by AbsolutelyNothing and peachypunk | E, 165889, In Victorian-ish times, The Smith family has served the wealthy Urie family for generations. Being so close in age, Brendon and Spencer become best friends and, over time, the rich, Omega socialite, Brendon, starts to fall for his personal, Alpha servant, Spencer. | A/B/O is a concept I was first introduced to on AO3. Like, it’s all the werewolf AUs without the turning into a wolf part, and it’s developed into its own thing.

- *Need You Wild by fallintosilence and boweryd | E, 105K+, Spencer's a werewolf! A sexy werewolf! Okay, really, Spencer is a newly turned, slightly confused werewolf who can't figure out why Brendon smells so good all the time. Or why Spencer can't seem to stop acting like he is 16-years-old, what with all the blushing and stuttering around Brendon and the constant jerking off. Fear not, though, gentle reader, because it turns out Brendon is totally on board with having a werewolf boyfriend. And with having lots and lots of sex. | Werewolves are sort of cool. There’s a lot of p0rn in here, though.

Joncer

This pairing is used as a side for Ryan/Brendon and I really think it deserves its own time in the spotlight more often. It’s after brencer in popularity because it’s mostly shafted off as a side pairing and not the main one.

- Kick It Back by afterthefair | E, 6103, Spencer thinks the girls fall into a few distinct categories: the ones who either haven’t heard the news or don’t care, the ones who want to convert him, and the ones who shout “Kiss! Kiss!” every time he and Jon get within a foot of each other. | Coming out fic.

- Median by strangecobwebs | E, 23356, Jon first learned about the Kinsey scale when he was about seventeen. And if zero is completely heterosexual, and six is completely homosexual? Jon Walker is a three. So very much a three. |

- If It Kills Me by foxxcub | E, 16928, Spencer Smith knows there must be a catch when Jon Walker − his despised FBI partner − offers to transfer out of Chicago and far, far away from him. There's a catch, all right: Spencer has to spend one sexy night with the untamed playboy. Okay, so the guy's hot. So his reputation in the bedroom is the stuff of legend. So Spencer's been in a dry spell for, oh, over a year. So maybe one night to be rid of him isn't so unbearable. But once the sheets have cooled, Spencer's just starting to heat up, and moving away is the last thing on Jon's mind...FBI AU. Plot and summary stolen shamelessly from Erin McCarthy's novella Miss Extreme Congeniality. Title stolen from Jason Mraz. | This is another fic for the to-reread list.

- Let the Future Come into Each Moment by saramir | E, 27277, In which Spencer turns thirty, Jon is even more affectionate toward him than usual, and Ryan & Brendon are writing (and arguing about) a plant-themed album. Set on tour, 2017, after a failed album and failed relationships, all while the four of them have stuck together, and then some. | Future fics always hurt a little, because nobody could have predicted the split.

- Jon’s Bookstore (A Few of My Favorite Things) by foxxcub | M, 11235, A funeral is really the wrong place to learn you've inherited a business. |

- The Bootstrap Paradox and Other Tips for Finding True Love by mokuyoubi | E, 41829, In response to the harlequin_bands challenge: Swept from her dismal present in the 1990s (facing unemployment and the singles scene), Phoebe Turlow takes a wrong turn at a hotel (while attending a “free” vacation in the Caribbean, sponsored by a condo company) and winds up in the seventeenth century in the company of a sexy, witty pirate named Duncan Rourke. As if Rourke does not have enough to do fighting the British in the American Revolution, he has to determine whether short haired, strange speaking Phoebe is a spy, a witch, or worse. Instead, he falls in love with her. Okay, so Ryan was going to be Phoebe and Brendon Duncan, except then somehow Spencer and Jon took over the story, and so this really tells the story of Phoebe and Duncan’s best friends. Oh, also changed it to the eighteenth century, since I’m *pretty* sure that’s when the American Revolution actually took place…*shrug* | The 18th century is when the American Revolution really took place, because the century numbers versus actual year numbers are sort of misleading.

- Catnip by rockme | T, 7187, One day while smoking, Jon hears a distant meow. | No, but seriously, this fic is basically about weed actually turning people into cats.

- *Anywhere, Say Anywhere (As Long As I’m with You) by hidingoutside | E, Unknown, As the head of guest services at Oakhart Ranch, Jon Walker's supposed to make sure everything's running as smoothly as possible, even when Spencer Smith, former rodeo champion, comes rolling into town to help his former mother-in-law keep the ranch from going under. Jon's never heard anything good about Spencer, but Spencer's never anything but helpful and generally awesome to Jon and his infant daughter. Suddenly living on in the middle of nowhere Wyoming doesn't seem so bad... |

Rycer

I used to dislike this pairing. Not like, absolutely hate, but I had the tendency to avoid it.

- Mistletoe by amethyst__angel | T, 1191, Christmas is supposed to be a time for love, for friendship, for presents and accidentally walking under the mistletoe with your best-friend-since-forever... | I might be typing this on December 27th, but I started compiling this list before Christmas, so it’s fine.

- Further Down the Road by zarah5 | T, 7029, The sketch of a full moon is sitting next to yesterday’s date, and twenty-eight days, Spencer thinks. Twenty-eight days. He could be wrong, of course, but… He doesn’t know why it makes a twisted kind of sense mostly because it’s Ryan, but it does. | .

- Tearing Down the Toy City by roebling and rubblerousing | M, 52864, "What I'm trying to say, Spence, is that if you don't like the way things are going, that's fine, but if you're nostalgic for five years ago, you better give up. 2001 is not coming back. You and Ryan were never going to be fourteen forever. I think you need to figure out what you want." | There’s a mixed bag of fics in this tag, but the hurty ones are always the most well-written.

- Through All Kinds of Weather by Marks | E, 28994, Ryan gets sick and pushes himself too hard. Enter Spencer and his world of denial. | .

- His Executive Sweetheart (I’ll Put The Coffee On) by sunsetmog | M, 34252, As a bored but efficient executive assistant, Ryan Ross wasn't supposed to have fallen madly, hopelessly in love with his boss. Especially when his boss was business mogul and confirmed bachelor (and old childhood friend) Spencer Smith. His best friends were convinced that only one thing would get Spencer to notice him, and that was a makeover. But if he lets them have their way, then how is Ryan to ever really know for sure if Spencer likes Ryan for real? | .

Jon/Brendon

What...is the ship name for this? Also, I only have one rec for this pairing. I’m not a fan of this pairing, for some reason. I just...don’t quite understand it? Either way. One rec.

- (Panic! at the Disco Almost Changed Their Name to) Fuzzy Kitten Cuddle Time by dsudis | E, 14407, In which Jon Walker is sometimes a kitten. | Kittens.

Endnotes

Poly reclist coming up next. There are a lot of fics on that list.

(Edit 11/5/19: Fixed a broken link.)

#panic! at the disco #fanfiction #reclist #not tagging every pairing I mention. that's sort of ridiculous #bandom #colllstarr.rec

5 notes · View notes

soldatrenard · 4 years

Text

The Moon Disciple

To Whom it May Concern:

Death doesn’t strike fear in my heart: the unknown does. The idea that I’ll never truly know the point of life nor will it ever be solved is unfair. No shining light of wisdom will grace me with its knowledge. If we give our lives to these teachings, shouldn’t there be a tangible divine presence? We can convince ourselves of internal enlightenment, but I need the grace of god bestowed upon me in an actual form. Selfish is what you may think of that request, however; hasn’t everyone looked up for guidance and been unanswered? We’ve spoken to men and women representing an entity, but they are simply providing their own opinions of guidance. We can justify what we think are signs from above but that doesn’t mean they really are. Here I am in my final moments, and I doubt my body will be found within the first week of my bittersweet end. A big joke considering what pain has followed me throughout the years.

Should I take it personal? There are those who have never experienced turmoil or adversity in their lives, yet I have been struck down time after time. My family was taken from me. My brother, my sister, and my father were all killed in a “tragedy.” A god damn joke. Not to mention, my mother didn’t have the chance to meet me as she died during my conception. I don’t even want to talk about her. Not my mother, but the love of my life. Trust me, there’s simply not enough time to explain (I’m trying to kill myself). It’s as if everything in my life was crafted to push me to the edge. I can’t help but ask: why? The people I considered friends abandoned me because I refused to gift them money from the settlement. I mean, isn’t ironic that I become rich due to the death of my family and all it did was push me towards seclusion. People angry that I didn’t want to throw them a bone. As if I owed them because they had to deal with my moping and crying.

I stopped leaving the house, I quit posting on social media, and I don’t answer the phone. After a while, everyone forgets you exist. I still follow them and look at what they post, but no one tries to interact with me. They think I’ll go on a tirade about how depressed I am and even if they did listen, they wouldn’t believe me because I have a lot of money. I wish I could buy my way to happiness but company that is paid for is not company you’d wish to have. Sure, I’ve paid for drugs, escorts, and uber eats but those aren’t contributing to my well-being. Fleeting moments of euphoria that aren’t helping me move past my depression. I never got a pet because I worried what the hell would have happened to the poor thing. It just doesn’t make sense to me that I would be consumed with this kind of thinking. How can anyone be scared to have a pet? Regardless of how you feel about the things I’ve said, no one should be feeling the way that I am nor should they experience the hardships I have endured.

That’s the gist of it, and now that you’ve been given the cliff notes: I’ve fashioned a noose and my agony will soon come to an end. It’s been a shitty run. I look forward to seeing the gates of hell because at least I’d know there was some truth to the testaments. If some greater power wants to intervene, this is your...Page Break

A knock echoes throughout the house as I almost finished my death note. I’m a bit pet peeved by the transgression to be honest. I will admit it is a bit ironic considering the last words I wrote, but I hope it isn’t the Mormons because you can take that intervention back, God. I drop the pen and decide to answer the door. I open it and to my surprise; it’s a beautiful woman wearing a pants suit. I’m either being sued, or I am about to be surveyed. With the door slightly cracked as my eyes glare out towards this stranger, I ask, “Who the fuck are you?”

Taken a bit back by my bluntness, the stranger simply asks if I’m Andrew Purdy.

“Yes, I am, so who the fuck are you?” I reply.

A bit ruffled but still maintaining composure, she says, “I’m the director of Project Ascension, the global initiative to colonize the planet Mars.”

I must admit, I wasn’t expecting that. “Okay, and your name?” I ask.

“Melissa Munoz”

I turn my head and ask out loud, “Alexa, who is Melissa Munoz?”

In the background you hear, “Melissa Munoz is best known for her pioneer work in the field of Astronomy. Graduated from Harvard University in 2030, she is currently the director of Project Ascension. Would you like to hear more?” Man, smart assistants, what would we do without them?

“No, thanks.” I respond to the device as I open the door fully.

I’m either being pranked in such a radical way or this is some wild attempt for a donation. “What would someone like yourself be doing here in Palm Springs?” I ask, but quickly follow up with, “we aren’t flying any rockets out here.”

“I understand that this is unannounced and a bit odd, but I’m here because I need your assistance.” She explains.

Of course, a fucking donation. It’s always money. But why would the director be doing this personally? I mean, she is a beautiful woman and that can work on most people; however, isn’t she supposed to be running this space program and not knocking on doors?

“Let’s say this is true, what do you want? Money?”

“No, we want you to join the Initiative.” She grabs a hold of my hands and looks me straight in the eyes as she says, “I can explain the details if you invite me inside.”

There’s always a reasonable doubt granted to those in most situations. Where the unexplainable seems to be the only logical answer. There are times where the unbelievable takes over what we perceive as reality, and I have arrived at that moment.

“Thanks, but that’s a hard no.” I pull my hands away and close the door on her face.

I hope I didn’t hit her with the door, but you must be a bit dramatic in order to scare off people. Hell, most of the time you only need to speak your feelings to get someone running. Although, it doesn’t seem like Melissa got the point as I hear her knocking at the door again.

I walk towards the center of my living room where I have a noose hanging from the ceiling fan. Ignoring the barrage of knocks at my door, I had hoped for a quiet demise but at this rate; my body won’t be discovered too long after my death now. I put the noose around my neck and get up on the chair. I’m not scared, and I feel at ease. Anyone fighting internally with living or dying would be showing signs of contemplation at this moment, but I’m more concerned about the pounding at my door. Now that I’m considering how feisty those knocks are sounding, I’m not too sure I’ll be able to properly kill myself. Am I about to make this woman a hero if I try to kill myself in this moment? As I dangle from the roof, is she going to peek in through my blinds and attempt to rescue me? Complications are not what I need right now. Can’t a guy die in peace?

“Well, shit.” I remove the noose and walk back to the door. I open it, and Melissa had an intensity written across her face that made me believe she would have done whatever it took to get back inside.

I move aside and welcome her in.

I invite her to sit on the couch. Of course, she notices the noose above my head as I sit in the chair under it.

“Would you like a drink?” I ask.

There’s a look of concern on her face that indicated to me that she wasn’t interested in a drink, so I say, “Just tell me what you wanted to so we can go our separate ways.”

She regains her composure and answers with, “Each country in the world was tasked with choosing an individual that would represent them on Mars.” She looks back up at the noose then back at me, and states, “The United States chose you.”

I almost stood up and put the noose around my neck at that moment. It was that absurd to me. Why in the hell would I be chosen for this project? Especially by Uncle Sam and the animal brigades.

“I don’t see why or how that is the case.” I respond. “I mean, what do I look like Neil fucking Armstrong?” I mean, an already trained astronaut in comparison to me is night and day.

She unconsciously nodded in agreement. She acknowledges how outrageous it all sounded by her expressions alone, but she adjusts herself before continuing, “No, you’re not; however, you are the one they specifically picked.”

I can’t help but scratch my head. I mean, I know that’s not what actual people do when they’re befuddled but this is strange enough to make me do that.

“How did they come to this terrible conclusion?” I ask.

My utter confusion must paint me out to be a dumb ass in this situation as the next set of words were spoken to me as if I was being addressed by a first responder after being involved in a car crash.

“You were chosen through a raffle that utilized the nation’s consensus, and I know that you may think you’re under qualified or not the right fit for this role.” She pauses to emphasize, “Given your current situation.” She glances back up at the noose then back to me and continues, “However, we want normal citizens to participate in this initiative.”

“Why not get an astronaut? It seems like the obvious choice.” I’m generally curious on this part.

She smiles as if that’s the key question she wanted me to ask, and says, “We already have conclusive evidence that these brave astronauts can endure and live in space.” She stands up and continues, “This initiative isn’t for these specific people, it’s for the population of the world.”

She stands up from the couch, “This is bigger than us.”

She walks towards me and knells down. She grabs me by the hands (again) to further her point of, “The planet is becoming unsustainable and there will be a time where we will no longer live on Earth.” She lifts my hands up which forces me up from the chair. “You can be that person in history that takes the first leap in settlement on a new planet.”

“I don’t think I can.” I claim as I pull my hands away.

I walk towards the window that opens to my front yard and stare out, past the robust mountains and lines of palm trees, towards the densely cloud filled sky and say, “I couldn’t even handle life on this planet.” I turn to her and ask, “How could I be one of the first to live on another?”

“It’s perfect if you ask me.” She optimistically states before bluntly saying, “Why die here in your living room when you can die making history?”

The reasoning isn’t far fetched. It’s true that I could die and not be given a second thought, but I could die with a purpose if I did this. I could die outside of tragedy. Avoiding the same fate as everyone else I held dear in this life; although, I am concerned by how sure Melissa was with my imminent death.

Science tends to step in during all my crises of faith, but isn’t that how it normally is? The contradictions to one another as one is based in belief while the other is in facts. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. The ominous feeling when contemplating life after death. Short of breath, lightheaded, and willingly thinking of an unknown shrouded in mystery for over an eternity. We fill ourselves up with ideals of a new beginning as if we are the keepers of our own fate; however, we are merely heading to a cobblestone grave or more likely a plaque plastered on a wall of death. I was perfectly fine killing myself in this moment, but something inside me has changed. It isn’t the reasoning or my will to live (just to clarify). It is a sensation that beckons to me through all this. It feels me with warmth, and it is continuously moving up from my feet to my head. A sensation that, I dare say, feels divine.

Melissa patiently waiting for me to respond. There is a drive and determination to her that is far more attractive than her already stunning features. She has her arms crossed, and she smirked at me when I made eye contact with her. There are people in the world given far more than the rest of us. This woman was meant to be someone, and she was given all the tools to achieve that. Although, I can argue that people often throw these opportunities away. Whether it be for love or for a misguided passion, we make choices that hinder our development just as I have in life.

If I’m going to commit to this, I’ll have to assess her reasoning for being involved. “What inspired you to join the cause?”

“I have to warn you, it may sound pretentious.” She warns before continuing, “I was blessed to be born into wealth, and I have used that wealth to experience life in a way most could only dream of.” A look of shame filled her face as she finished that sentence. “I came across people of all cultures struggling to survive.” She looks at me and asks, “you know what I did to help these struggling souls?” “You made their lives better through donations?” I respond.

Her eyes look glossed over and she takes a deep breath. “I did nothing for those people.” She states. “I never gave them the light of day or even processed how much of a struggle it was for them to have basic necessities.” She sits down on the couch. “All these places were vibrant and filled with bustling workers, yet I never stood there and understood what their days consisted of.”

She pats the couch for me to sit next to her. I do to push her to continue, “I never gave it a second thought until I started to witness change in these regions. Forest fires, sea level rising, fracking, water sources being contaminated, and the displacement of these cultures.” She takes a deep breath, “If you’re living in a suburban home like you are now, these shifts in our ecosystems have created emergencies that are not easily resolved.” Guilt written across her face as she states, “It wasn’t until the virus outbreak that pushed the world to create a solution to humanity’s problem: can we viably survive if the world becomes inhabitable?”

It is obvious that world is strained as the world’s oceans begin to acidify, and natural resources are beginning to disappear. I can’t help but make light of the situation given her stature, “Okay, so you got into aerospace science because your privileged life showed you the amount of misfortune most undeveloped civilizations experience as you vacationed?”

She wasn’t too keen on that assessment as her guilt filled face shifted to one of anger. I ease up with, “Look, I get it.” I continue, “You could have chosen to ignore it like everyone else in a position of mass wealth, but you were inspired and became a leading professional in your field.” The tension lessened at that point, but I had to ask, “Why did you come here yourself?”

I feel like I haven’t looked so intensely into someone’s eyes in quite some time, and she hasn’t broken eye contact with me at all. I’m like a child avoiding the inevitable as their father hovers above them with questions on why the chores weren’t done. I’ve been setup to do this task and even though I should honor it, I have my reluctance. She gazes into my eyes like a siren beckoning a sailor and simply states, “The importance of you accepting this invitation is critical, and I could not risk letting someone else fail at recruiting you.” She grabs my hand again. “You were destined for this, so please don’t pass on the opportunity to solidify your place in history.”

I sit there silently as I contemplate my decision. When I was a kid, I always dreamt of going into space. I expect most had those kinds of ambitions, but the reality of that feat is most of us will never have the opportunity. You can put a fishbowl over your head and pretend to be important, but you’re more likely to kill the fish it housed than make it to space. Now, however, I could be the one paving the way for these kinds of fantasies to become a reality. I can transcend the expectations (some already placed on me) and create a new reason to continue my life.

“Is there some kind of evaluation that I have to do?” I sigh as if being forced into this project which I will admit; I felt bad being rude to her that I couldn’t say no after that moment.

Her eyes lit up as she knew the hook had finally grabbed hold as my bitter end appears to have been postponed for now.

She explained to me how the Moon was chosen to test the technologies that will be used to colonize Mars. Through those tests, they built and established a space hub on the Moon which will be used to help transition civilians from their life on earth to their radically different existence. Everyone will be required to help maintain the facilities as they become adjusted to the confines of space. Once everyone becomes adjusted to this new kind of living, we depart from the Moon to Mars to do what has long been written about in SCI-FI movies and books.

It’s strange how it all occurred but let me assure you; the weeks leading up to my departure were less than stellar. We talked about the procedures I would undertake in order to join the initiative. I signed a contract that I didn’t read because it would have taken hours to go over it. They explained the required tests and time of deployment, and the details sounded like a routine check-up for when someone joins a softball team and that’s about it. Melissa carried the same professional tone throughout her visit, and I was told everything was arranged for me in advanced. Even if I decided not to join, I have the feeling I would have been forced to go one way or the other. Melissa wholeheartedly believes in the decision that I am the only one meant for this. Why exactly? I couldn’t say, it is a bit perplexing; however, so is quickly deciding to postpone a suicide for a suicide mission. I’m told I’m not expected to die, but I can’t say I was thoroughly examined after seeing the doctor and other goons place in front of me.

The doctor I saw was more of a pediatrician. I’m certain I could have had my blood drawn with the butterfly designed kid’s needle if I had asked. Guy looked like an infomercial actor that mishandles the popcorn during the introduction. I could have looked in the mirror and gave the same prognosis: I am a complete mess. Not enough exercise, not enough water, and not enough in general. What did any of these people expect? I was on the brink of suicide, but they’re determined to shoot me into space like the test monkeys before me. I clearly should have failed these checks. I mean, I saw the notes the guy took, and they weren’t in favor of me. Oddly enough, this imbecile approved me. It was at that moment that my mind became consumed with conspiracies. The idea that I may not have a choice in this matter is becoming a real thought of mine. It’s as if I’m in the Twilight Zone, I’m being pushed through the floating door in-between time and space against my will. I’m hesitant to where it is leading, and I’m beginning to question everything. The only reason I’m continuing is the fact that others are legitimately involved in this project, so it isn’t a hoax itself: where do I fit in it?

I had to visit a training facility and do some exercises in front of an employee from the Ascension group. Outside of Melissa, every person that I met from the project was not friendly with me. If this was grade school, I’d be the kid with his head in the toilet and covered in shit. Have you ever been snared at from various people under different circumstances? I made sure to shower before attending any of these mandatory tests, but it seemed more like a roast than a legitimate procedure. Side comments about my stature that maybe they didn’t think I could hear or perhaps they hoped I would hear it. The experience has left me intrigued.

A bit unusual to admit. I’m not seeking penance for sins or indulging in self-loathing. I’m seeking the truth. Clearly, these people have a bone to pick with me. It goes back to my first encounter with the organization, why would did Melissa personally meet me? Is it because she’s the one who wants me to go? It would be near impossible for me to back out now. As soon as I signed the contract, it became a media frenzy. They wanted me to appear on late night shows, be interviewed by the papers, and to represent my nation, but I didn’t want to do any of it. Luckily after I botched an early taping of the tonight show, they advised me not to make any more appearances. To be honest, none of what I told you matters outside of Melissa. It gives you an indication of what to expect and who I am, and this is to show that I never should have been involved in Project Ascension. Although I considered myself unfit for the position, it wasn’t until my departure to the moon that I realized I had made a grave mistake. My departure from Earth to the Moon will go down as a historical moment of misfortune.

#storytelling #chapter1

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the-imagines-of-tonight · 7 years

Text

Fireworks

Pairing: Kevin Price x Reader (Book of Mormon)

Prompt: kevin price takes reader to disneyworld on a romantic trip and they watch fireworks together and ride roller coasters and stuff

Author’s Note: My first BOM fic! I saw this musical three weeks ago in Melbourne and I fell in love (especially with Kevin, I relate too much to that boy). I really enjoyed writing this fic and I am going to try getting more fics out on this blog because I know it’s been like seven hundred years since I last posted :)

Word Count: 2140

Warnings: Nothing, it’s just pure fluff

“Where to first, Kevin? Pirates of the Caribbean? Space Mountain? Big Thunder Mountain?” You wanted nothing else but to make this trip the best damn day of Kevin’s life. It helped that you shared a love of all things Disney, and were extremely happy to follow Kevin around the park, led by your hand and heart.

“Y/N...” There was a mock-scolding tone to Kevin’s voice and he looked at you with an expression of endearment. “You know we can’t do anything without ears on!” The bright smile on his face finally reached his eyes, giving them a sparkle you saw only on rare occasions.

With the hand not clutched tight to the map Kevin entwined his fingers with yours, leading you away from the entrance in the direction of Main Street. The two of you stopped abruptly at a small cart selling a wide variety of ears. Your eyes were immediately drawn to the pair of sequined ears that sparkled in the light of the early morning sun.

“What do you think about these ones?” With no mirror in sight you turned to Kevin for an opinion.

“Y/N, you’d look gorgeous in any of these pairs. But in those? You look absolutely stunning.” He pressed a quick, yet loving, kiss to your forehead after ensuring that the image of you, illuminated by the rays of light and with a smile almost as bright as the sun itself, was preserved in his mind forever.

“Shush, you.” You laughed, trying to distract from the rising tinge of pink making its way onto the apples of your cheeks. “Now let’s find you a pair of ears so we can get going.” You picked up a tacky pair of ears as a joke: a joke that Kevin obviously did not pick up on.

“These are perfect!” He placed the ears on his head and pulled you in close for a hug, whispering a quick, “Thank you, Y/N.” Giving you a tight squeeze he plucked the ears off your head, taking them to the cashier to both pay and get the tags cut off.

Kevin gently placed the ears back on your head, an expression of concentration present on his face as he stuck his tongue out a little, wanting them to be positioned perfectly for you.

“C’mon, babe, let’s get going.” You stood up on your tip toes to press a kiss to Kevin’s cheekbone, your lips lingering for a couple of seconds.

The two of you strolled away, hand in hand, down Main Street. “This is better than I remembered it being.” Kevin murmured, unable to tear his eyes away from the castle in the distant. “Maybe it’s because you’re here with me.” He tightened his grip on your hand, running his thumb over the back of your hand.

“You’re so cheesy, Kev.” A laugh followed your words, the two of you falling into a comfortable silence; taking in the sights, sounds and sweet smells of the park.

The music changed and the colours shifted into a mix of bright pastels - the two of you had walked past the castle (after many, many photos) and found yourselves in Fantasy Land. Your eyes were drawn to the sight of the signature blue of Peter Pan’s Flight, and, noticing the significantly short wait time, you tugged on Kevin’s sleeve. “How ‘bout we make this the first ride of the day?”

“It’s almost like you read my mind,” he laughed, taking long strides towards the entrance of the ride, pulling you along with him by the hand. It was cloudy, slightly cold and a Wednesday, so the line wasn’t very long and you practically walked on to the ride.

The hanging boat swung as you boarded it, Kevin first and then followed by you, both waving to the ride attendant as you passed by. You felt the familiar weight of Kevin’s hand on your knee as the ride progressed, the boat gliding over the fake miniature city of London, complete with glittering LED lights.

You and Kevin had watched many, many Disney movies in preparation for the trip, (Kevin had said that going on a ride based on a movie you hadn’t seen was one of the worst things you could do), and you hummed along with the soundtrack playing.

On your way out of the ride Kevin turned to face you, asking, “Are you related to Wendy, Y/N? Because you’re a darling.”

“Kevin,” You mock-scolded, laughing whilst simultaneously rolling your eyes. “Your extensive knowledge of Disney movies is both a blessing and a curse. And I’m not sure which one it is in this case.”

“There wasn’t a lot to do in Uganda apart from watch movies, to be completely honest,” Kevin appeared to be thinking out loud, wandering aimlessly through the park with you following one or two paces behind him.

He was caught up in thought and had not realised that you stopped walking, and he turned back to you, following your line of sight. A family of ducks had jumped out in front of you, waddling from one isolated plot of flowers to another. You bent down, taking your phone out to take pictures of the ducks rather than pictures of the rest of the park. Kevin had also taken his phone out, but not to take photos of the animals in front of you: the pictures filling up his camera roll were ones of you, smiling down at the waddling ducks.

“Do you want to come on Space Mountain with me?” You and Kevin had entered Tomorrowland and were now standing outside the entrance of the aforementioned ride - it was mid-afternoon and you had managed to avoid going on every roller coaster the pair of you had passed thus far. But Kevin wouldn’t let you spend a day in Disney World without setting foot on at least one roller coaster, so here you were. “I’ll keep you safe, Y/N, I promise.”

Sincerity was visible in his eyes and you didn’t doubt the truth behind his words. What you did doubt, however, was your stomach; especially with the addition of one too many sugary snacks.

“Fine.” You gave in to the request, making a wide grin appear on his face. “But this is the both the first and last time I’m doing this, okay?”

“You’re the best!” He almost jumped in the air at your agreement but restrained himself, instead pressing a hurried kiss to the top of your hair before pulling you into the line for the ride. “It’ll be fun, trust me!” He called back to you, already several steps ahead.

“Kevin, if the ride is going to be as fun as you claim, then why the heck are there so many exits?” You questioned after seeing the fourth doorway that lead away from the ride, back out into the park.

“They’re only there for the people who chicken out.”

“So they’re there for me?” You laughed, but were also quite serious.

The rest of the time spent waiting passed quickly enough - Kevin kept you laughing and distracted, regaling you with stories from before he met you.

Rounding a corner you got your first glimpse of the carriages shooting off at about one thousand miles an hour - from your perspective, at least - up the tunnel.

“Kevin.” You whispered in a hurried tone as you made your way closer and closer to getting onto the ride. “Kevin, are you sure it’ll be alright? Like, one hundred percent sure? Would you bet -”

You stopped rambling as Kevin took one of your hands in his, bringing it up to his lips, peppering them with kisses.

“Nervous?” The voice of a cast member interrupted your train of thought, making you realise just how soon you’d be strapped in. “It’s one of my favourite rides here, you’ll be fine.” She gave you a toothy smile as the line moved on. “And between you and me, your boyfriend looks like he’ll take perfect care of you.” She had leaned in close to you, ensuring Kevin wouldn’t hear her side comment. You shot her a wavering smile and she winked in response; the playful attitude helping to quell some of your nervous tension.

“Alright everyone, make sure all hats and glasses are taken off and stored in the baskets in front of you with your bags!” Another cast member, with a voice more grating and an attitude more annoying than the last, stood above you. You and Kevin had been seated in the front row; it was a stroke of luck according to Kevin, and one of the worst things that could’ve happened according to you. “Safe travels!” A salute and wave sent you off, the movement of your hand to Kevin’s leg a subconscious reaction to the sudden jolt of speed.

You didn’t think you had ever screamed that much in your entire life. The many dizzying twists and turns, ups and downs, left you disoriented: how on Earth they had managed to construct such a long track indoors was beyond you.

“That was so fun!” Kevin was on an adrenaline high as you stumbled out of the building, practically bouncing down the exit path.

“Yeah that’s... One way to describe it.” The smile on your face wasn’t there because of the ride, but because of Kevin’s reaction to it. This was the happiest you’d ever seen him, every new ride, character interaction and sight only increasing his level of enthusiasm.

“I was thinking...” Kevin spread out a plastic cover on the ground in front of the castle for you two to sit on, making himself comfortable before continuing. “This has been the best day of my life. And it’s because of you. And, uh - jeez, I just want you to know I love you. More than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life.”

He wasn’t looking directly at you, too embarrassed to do so, and you could see the red tinge blooming on his cheeks. He crossed his legs and placed his hands in his lap, waiting for you to reply. What he couldn’t see were the couple of tears that had fallen down your face combined with the smile you simply couldn’t get rid of.

“I - uh - really, really love you too, Kevin.” You cleared your throat and shifted closer to Kevin, gingerly resting your head on his shoulder. He placed his hand on your leg, palm facing up, as an invitation for you to hold it. You interlaced your fingers with his, drawing your eyes back up to the castle, waiting for the fireworks to begin.

Suddenly, Kevin sat up a little straighter and turned to face you, accidentally pushing you off him in the process.

“Y/N. Will you-” The rest of Kevin’s question was cut off by the first note of Wishes and the following fireworks. You figured the question was not important enough for him to continue through the firework special, so you turned your attention fully towards the animation playing out on the castle.

A tap on your shoulder half way through, therefore, was a surprise: you turned around to see Kevin’s face about three inches away from yours.

“Need help with something?” You laughed, watching the reflection of each firework explosion in his shining eyes.

“Um, yeah.” Your eyes were focused on his and didn’t notice his hand reach into the front pocket of his backpack to pull out a small, black box. “Will, oh gosh,” He was extremely nervous but continued on; “Will you do me the honour of - uh - being my wife?” His eyes closed as he spoke the last word, as if not seeing your reaction would save him from any further embarrassment.

“Y-yes.” You breathed out, unable to do much more. His eyes opened as soon as you said that single word, his shaking hands finding it hard to take the ring out of the small box. He managed it, and his shaking hands met yours as he slid it onto your left hand, the diamond reflecting the different colours of the fireworks exploding overhead.

His eyes flickered down to your lips before moving in to kiss you. You raised your hands to thread through his hair, your lips moving in harmony as the most well-known Disney love songs played in the background.

You broke apart, your forehead resting on his as your hands moved down to cradle his neck. The fireworks illuminated the glittering tear tracks that had carved their way onto Kevin’s face just as they lit up the ones on your cheeks.

“You’re the best person on this entire freakin’ planet.” He murmured, evidently thinking out loud again. You simply smiled in response and placed your lips softly against his jawline, your heart overflowing with love for him.

#Kevin price x reader #elder price x reader #Book of Mormon x reader #book of mormon fanfiction #book of mormon reader insert #book of mormon imagine

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