#[he is ridiculously arrogant and extremely powerful BUT. he is also very stupid and (literally) topheavy]

[nrth-wind-a]

[skrael is so so so slowly coming back sljfk so... what if i just dropped him into the d.c u.niverse and said ‘good luck’]

[zoffra]

Why Hisoka decided to kill the troupe ?

Analysis in two parts:

1- Hisoka's pre-fight personality

2- Hisoka's post fight psychological change

Part 1 -

Let us make a point on Hisoka's character.

Hisoka's a character who takes pleasure in fighting strong opponents, it's his reason for living, it's like a drug in the proper sense of the term. If he doesn't fight for a long time, or if he's about to fight and - for whatever reason - the fight doesn't start, he'll kill anyone to satisfy his need and calm his excitement. This happens, for example, during hunter exam after meeting Kurapika and Leorio (= satisfying his need), or after Illumi's meeting with Killua and Alluka (= calming his excitement).

Other than that, he carefully chooses his opponents and will even refuse fights if he judges that the person isn't worth it.

Hisoka's incredibly patient. In order to fight Chrollo, he'll put in a lot of effort. He joins the spiders - which already isn't an easy task - and waits for three years that an opportunity presents itself, so that he finds himself alone with the leader and can fight him. The other members don't interest him - except maybe Machi to a much lesser extent.

After Chrollo lost his Nen, Hisoka assists the troupe in search for the exorcist. Shizuku assumes that Chrollo promised him a fight in exchange for his help. It's not known how long Chrollo's deprived of his Nen, whats certain is that several months go by.

Abengan's Nen works like this: he invokes a Nen beast whose shape and size varies according to the curse's power posed by his user. The stronger the curse, the longer that will takes time- and you can be sure that Kurapika's chain was far more powerful than Genthru's bomb.

Later, we learn from Gitarakuru that after recovering his Nen, Chrollo fled. During this time, he returned to Meteor city to prepare his fight and steal various capacities - in particular that of the dean, Shalnark and Kortopi. Finally, after all these waiting years, Hisoka's finally rewarded and they'll fight in a place - that Chrollo himself chooses, as floor master : Celestial tower.

I'll not describe the fight, I can only advise those who haven't read the manga to go and find out for themselves. If I could sum it up in one word, it would be 'disappointing'. But not for us, readers, for Hisoka.

Chrollo used sneaky methods, avoiding to maximum close contacts with Hisoka, while sending his puppets to fight for him, waiting for opportunities to hit him critically. Warning! This isn't a criticism, I'm not saying it's something bad, these are just the facts.

We know that Chrollo's calculating and that beyond his extraordinary physical abilities, he distinguishes himself from others by his intelligence. For me, this fight is the very reflection of his personality, calculated like music paper and orchestrated by Chrollo as master of ceremonies.

It's also a nose thumb at the relationship they've always had. Hisoka spent more time killing puppets with no interest to reach Chrollo, rather than fighting him. He finds himself in the situation where he has always been.

At the time of his 'death', Hisoka made a pact with the Nen to bring him back to life. By using condition and oath - his death being the condition to be fulfilled - he wish that his heart's functions and his lungs will be restored. And from there, the troupe will have big problems.

Part 2 -

Spiders made several mistakes. When they inspected Hisoka's body, they were negligent. When Shalnark testified to Hisoka's death by asphyxiation, no one found his hands position strange. By that I mean they're seasoned Nen users, cold-blooded killers, they know that Nen gets stronger after death.

An important detail is that you can revive a suffocation victim - it shouldn't last too long of course, but it's not as if his head was cut off. And that's exactly what Hisoka will do.

He probably used Ken to absorb the explosion, surrounded his heart and his lungs with his Gum, then practiced a cardiac massage to resuscitate himself, - I pass about after-effects that his brain would normally have undergone, which is an ease logical scenario.

Machi said one interesting thing: '[Hisoka] still paid me in advance.' This means that she was in contact with him before, and Hisoka asked her to stitch up his wounds after the fight. Machi probably understood it as 'if I win the fight, can you heal me', but for Hisoka there was probably a double meaning: healing his wounds if they were too serious so that he do himself, or if he hadn't been in fit state to do it.

Biggest mistake spiders have made has been to underestimate Hisoka.

Towards fight's end (chap 355) when a puppets horde rush towards him, Hisoka has an angry expression. Hisoka's neutral facial expression is a mischievous pout, or in fights where he has to fight seriously, he has a concentrated expression.

It's extremely rare to see him angry, and I think his change of mind manifests himself at that time. Hisoka's face takes half a page's place and is a terrifying blackness, it's an important moment. All accumulated frustration since years literally explodes during this bitter taster fight.

When he wakes up, we don't immediately notice his change of mind, but when he speaks it's clearer.

'Reality knows how to wake you up.' Hisoka realizes - if not already done - that he'll not be able to defeat Chrollo with his usual methods.

A little higher, I said the trio had underestimated Hisoka but I also think of Chrollo. During the fight he was arrogant, explaining his abilities, inviting him to flee and then, telling him that isn't to taunt him - you can't make me believe thats true.

'If you've learned your lessons from this, then next time make sure to choose your opponent and the location you fight.' Machi's words complete Hisoka's decision, it was clearly not the thing to say to him at this precise moment.

This how Hisoka's change of mind worked for me. Hisoka's an irrational person but he killed with a certain consistent logic - strong ones who deserve his attention. His death - more precisely, circumstances of the fight leding to his death - played a major role in his transformation. He's no longer undefeated and has been ridiculed, Chrollo practically whistling when he sent his puppets against him.

'No matter where they go and who they are with, I won't stop until I kill them all' It's revenge.

His actions are no longer directed by the will to fight strong adversaries, they're guided by the outright brigade eradication.

Strangely, he leaves Machi alive. Don't tell me thats because he just wants she getting her message across to the other members, there were a thousand ways to warn Chrollo and the others without leaving her alive - and considering the awkward position she was in, he could have kill her without slightest concern. - In an interview, Togashi says that he didn't want to kill her at that time because he has other plans for her.

Kortopi was visibly relieving himself when he was killed. He was a pointless opponent for Hisoka, especially considering the situation in which he found himself. This proves once again his change of mind, it's a method of murderer.

Same method when he sends Kortopi's head to Shalnark. At that moment, Shalnark grabs his friend's head - which is edifying of stupidity - to verify that it's him, and Hisoka punches him.

On several occasions, I've read some people would have liked to see a real Shalnark vs Hisoka fight. But we had it, and difference in strength is too great. At that moment, it's true that Shalnark couldn't use his Hatsu, nevertheless he could still use his Nen but he didn't even had time to defend himself with his Ten.

We don't know if Hisoka kills Shalnark in one blow, it's possible that he survived for a moment. However, this isn't what the staging seems to evoke. The fight literally takes a half page, speed with which Hisoka starts the fight and shock's power when he hits Shalnark leaves no doubt as to the fight speed end. In addition, even though Hisoka's Nen strengthened, he was seriously injured - he was able to repair his limbs in appearance, but he has no healing ability like Machi or quick regeneration like an enhancer.

The last chapter page sounds like a real turning point. We knew Hisoka was sadistic, he likes to torture his opponents psychologically (cf: Kastro fight, Goto), but we had never seen him at work physically. After his fight, he took the trouble to stage the Shalnark's and Kortopi corpses, tying Shalnark to the swing like a puppet, refering to his ability and his fight against Chrollo.

Chapter ends abruptly with a sentence / thought from Hisoka: 'There are 10 left.'

Number 10 is interesting. At that moment, members still alive are the following: Phinks, Feitan, Machi, Kalluto, Nobunaga, Shizuku, Franklin, Bonorenov and Chrollo.

That makes 9. I consider that - even if he didn't see her die - Hisoka is aware of the Pakunoda's death. He spent a lot of time with members at Greed Island and Chrollo, it's impossible that he didn't learn it.

The 10th member is therefore Illumi - reader learns of his membership in the troupe only 20 chapters later -, he was therefore recruited before Hisoka announced his vendetta against spiders.

Last point I wanted to emphasize: when Hisoka says 'there is 10 left', he includes Chrollo. This shows that he no longer puts him on a pedestal, seeing him as the head or someone important. It's simply a leg to be eliminated.

Hisoka's personality has radically changed, he has finished playing.

[tev-the-random]

A Miraculous Sorting

(I’m writing this under the Christmas tree’s lights, because they take a lot less power than my room’s actual lights, and if I’m going to throw an all-nighter today, I want the electricity bill to be as cheap as possible.)

 You know something I really love? Pulling a Sorting Hat at random times. You’ll see me making a sandwich and rambling to myself as to why Rivaille Ackerman is a Hufflepuff. You’ll see me doing the dishes and quietly wondering why Mabel Pines is a Gryffindor. You’ll see me taking a shower and just arguing with myself about whether Ciel Phantomhive is a Ravenclaw or a Slytherin.

 The fact is: I love Harry Potter with all my soul and I’ll take any opportunity I get to sort random characters into Hogwarts Houses.

 So I thought to myself: hey, why not make a post about it? Mixing my most recent Thing-I-Won’t-Shut-Up-About-For-a-Few-Monthstm (Miraculous Ladybug) and my unexplainable need to analyse characters and put them in Hogwarts? Sounds cool to me. And that’s why you’re reading this. Also, I’m bored.

 Anyway, let’s get to it!

 Warning: be aware of Spoilers! If you haven’t finished Season 3, I’m afraid you’ll find a buzzling nest of spoilers here, so do be careful!

 Warning 2: Sorting is a very sensitive thing and can be interpreted in many ways. This is how I interpret it. Feel free to disagree, I’d love to discuss different opinions!

Marinette Dupain-Cheng/Ladybug – Ravenclaw

 This was an easy one. Despite her clumsiness and social awkwardness – which make her look a lot more air-headed than she actually is –, Marinette is a perfect match for Ravenclaw!

 First of all, we’ve been signed over and over again in the show to how she’s quick-witted, resourceful and strategic, and has got incredible problem-solving skills – even if she’s terrible at managing her time. Practically every episode shows us how quick she is to come up with plans to defeat the villains and how she always makes most of what she has – the Lucky Charm may be the most ridiculous object in the world, she’ll always manage to make a use of it.

 Not only as Ladybug, but also in her normal daily life, Marinette seems to be able to strategize and negotiate very well. Take as a few examples: how she manages to hide with Adrien using various strategies (Gorizilla); how she talks to Roland and convinces him to come visit Tom in his birthday (Bakerix); how she hides and runs away with Kagami and Adrien using various diversions (Heart Hunter/Loveater); how she pulls her – in my opinion – most brilliant and convoluted plan to retrieve Tikki and Plagg and keep her identity hidden (Kwami Buster). I mean, we get distracted by her silly shenanigans every now and again, but this girl has some pretty smart moves!

 She also operates the team work most of the time, directing when and where to use her fellow heroes’ powers. Not to mention she’s the one to choose who gets to have which miraculous, and she mostly seems to get it right – in this house, we do not talk about the stupidity that went down with Aspik, thank you very much.

 Furthermore, Marinette is just plain intelligent. She jammed the Wi-Fi signal using a microwave in Lady WiFi; she engineered her own diary-protection device in Darkblade; she made a home-made projector in The Mime; she neutralizes evil perfume with a chemical explosion in Princess Fragrance; she makes a freaking propeller in Glaciator. She was also mentioned in Ladybug (this name doesn’t get confusing at all) to always get good grades.

 As the series goes, Ladybug gets to become a much wiser person. She seems to learn from most of the problems the akumatized victims go through, as well as from her own mistakes – let aside all the Adrien stuff. Yeah.

 Last but not least, Marinette is exceptionally creative. I don’t think I need to exemplify this, do I? I mean… If you haven’t noticed how artistically inclined she is and how she is constantly praised for her creativity as a designer and as a superhero – again, think of the Lucky Charms –, I doubt we’re watching the same show.

 Not necessarily a Ravenclaw trait, but I’ll add it as a bonus: Marinette handles so many responsibilities at the same time, what a multitasker! She is an independent fashion designer, she does small fashion services – as seen in The Mime, for example –, she is a designer for both Kitty Section and (apparently) Jagged Stone, she babysits Manon and Chris, she helps her parents at the bakery, she studies – again, it’s said that she has good grades, so even if she spends a lot of time saving Paris, she also doesn’t lay off at school –, she makes time to keep her friendships together and she has all her responsibilities as Ladybug, and now as a Guardian. This is all some new level of bullshit a 15 year old human being shouldn’t have to deal with. I’m seriously amazed it took her three full seasons to have a breakdown.

Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir – Hufflepuff

 Ok, this was a bit more difficult. I was seriously torn between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, but, after some deep thinking, I believe Hufflepuff is where Adrien belongs!

 Firstly, we’ve seen numerous times how inclusive Adrien is. He was, since day one, willing to give everybody a chance at friendship. This Nino boy I literally just met? My best friend. This Ladybug girl who fell from the sky out of nowhere? I’ll trust her with my life. This girl who hates me because of Chloé? I’ll give her my umbrella and she’s just a friend – Goddamnit Adrien. This Kagami girl I just fenced with and who almost killed me? Friend material right there.

 What makes Adrien’s inclusiveness most clear to me, however, is Lila. Despite everything she does, despite all her constant lying, despite her getting people he loves in trouble, he’s still willing to be her friend. We see in episodes like Chameleon, Oni-chan and Ladybug that he’s always willing to give Lila a second chance, to help her out when she needs it, to extend her the hand of friendship and to let her learn with it, because even if he knows she is a jerk, he still wants include her. Is that a bit of a stupid move at this point? Yes, it is. But we appreciate your try, Adrien.

 Another Hufflepuff trait that this boy has is patience. I mean, he lives with Gabriel Agreste, the cold critical father who shows affection – or any presence, really – only once every few months; he lives with Plagg, the demanding, pestering kwami who’s determined to not give two craps about doing his job; he’s childhood friends with Chloé “the arrogant and annoying and other things I can’t say out loud” Bourgeois; he’s trying to keep good terms with Felix, who’s competing for “most despicable brat of the year”; and he’s “friends” with Lila. All of this can only be handled by an enormously patient person.

 Despite that, Adrien is still somewhat just and fair. This can be seen in Despair Bear, as he says he’ll stop being friends with Chloé if she doesn’t start acting nicer. He also claims he won’t be friends with Lila anymore if she doesn’t get Marinette out of the trouble she caused. It’s also important to note episodes like Riposte, where Adrien’s determined to get a rematch with Kagami due to his believe that her loss was not fair.

 The thing that defines Adrien the most and that made me decide for Hufflepuff in the end, however, is his loyalty. Despite everything to ever come his way, he’s extremely loyal.

 Firstly, he’s loyal to Chloé, his childhood friend and, for the longest time, his only friend. We can see in the second part of the Origins episode that he won’t tell on Chloé’s behaviour because he “can’t throw her under the bus”. He instantly goes back to being her friend after the events of Despair Bear and seems to be the only one to get sad for her almost leaving Paris in Malediktator.

 The person Chat’s the most loyal to is undoubtedly Ladybug. We can see it in multiple instances, as he sacrifices himself in order to protect her in several episodes, stays by her side no matter what and, despite his own desire to know who Ladybug is, doesn’t actually actively try to find her identity (Chat Blanc aside) because that’s what she decided. Even if Chat Noir is constantly portrayed as her mere sidekick and gets the least attention of the duo, he doesn’t show jealousy. He trusts her.

 I’ll refrain from making the “Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders” joke.

Alya Césaire/Rena Rouge – Gryffindor

 Oh dear… I feel like this one almost reached a Hatstall! It was so hard! Her extreme curiosity and fascination with the world around her made me think of her as a Ravenclaw, while her ambition to get the best information for her blog and connection to the Fox Miraculous – the fox being an animal strongly connected to cunningness – seriously made me think about putting her in Slytherin. But again, after deep thinking, I do think Alya fits incredibly well in Gryffindor!

 Let’s start with the fact that Alya is an icon of bravery. She is daring and determined to the point where she is reckless. She is always ready to jump right into action, no matter how dangerous the situation is. If she can either get interesting footage and information or be of any help at all, she will be there, often putting herself in danger in the process. She rarely ever gets intimidated, nonetheless, showing that she has very strong nerve. This can be seen throughout various episodes, ever since Stoneheart and all the way to Feast!

 It’s safe to say that Alya has also got a sense of nobility, in a certain way. As seen in episodes like Stormy Weather, Sapotis, and Timetagger, this girl’s got a way with kids and is always willing to protect them. Rena Rouge also shows willingness to help save Paris no matter what, as seen in Sapotis and Syren, for example.

 I don’t know if this can be considered nobility as well, but I’ll just leave it here that Alya “Wingwoman” Césaire is a very determined best friend and will do about anything to set Marinette with the boy she loves. I can’t even exemplify this, because this happens way too clearly in almost every episode, folks.

 Well… Say what, I’m still confused about this. Alya confuses me. Does anyone have any comment to help me out with this one, please?

Nino Lahiffe/Carapace – Hufflepuff

 Ok, I won’t lie: part of this decision is because Nino’s just got too much of that bro vibe for me to imagine him anywhere else. But hear me up, I’ll tell you why he is an amazing Hufflepuff!

 First of all, Nino’s absolutely loyal. He’s loyal to Alya; always willing to protect her with his life – that’s how he got his miraculous, after all! –, but they still act as very good partners, friends and couple, and he recognizes she is strong on her own, too. He’s ready to help her out with her “wingmanning” – I’ll exemplify with Puppeteer 2.0 – and with her Ladybug investigations – as seen in Lady WiFi. They even parkour together in Miraculer! (Sorry, I just need more DJ-WiFi in my life)

 He’s also loyal to Adrien. We’ve seen it in several episodes: how he wants to make his friend happy and let him be free from his very strict household – good examples would be The Bubbler and Party Crasher –, showing that he is fair to his friend. It’s also important to mention episodes like Simon Says where, after the akuma attack happens, Nino’s first instinct is be to make sure Adrien is alright.

 Nino’s also shown himself to be quite loyal to Ladybug, as he never faltered to follow her instructions, even after he gets the Turtle Miraculous.

 His friendship with Adrien and Alya overall shows he’s also very inclusive. I mean, Adrien is friends with Chloé, the most hated girl of all school, but Nino just straight up offers to be his new best friend anyway. And although Alya keeps dragging him around to her messes, as soon as they start to talk and notice they have a lot in common, he falls in love with her (Animan).

 Nino is a hard worker as well. He is seen DJ-ing almost every party that showed up so far, and he showed himself as extremely dedicated to his movie project in Horrificator.

 As a generally laid back guy, Nino can be seen as someone very patient. It is quite difficult to tick him off, therefore it’s rare to see him mad or lashing out at someone. One might say he’s too relaxed at times…

Kagami Tsurugi/Ryuko – Slytherin

 Ok, first of all: I love Kagami. And I love Slytherin. So if anyone wants to shit on any of them, you’ll have to go through me first! Wands ready, buddy, I’m a duellist and I’m ready to fight!

 Kagami was another difficult one, but mostly because we rarely get to see anything from her personality, given how stoic and reserved she is at the beginning – besides, she’s a newer side character, so obviously she didn’t get to have that much screen time yet. But with what little we’re given, I’ve managed to figure she’d do nicely in Slytherin!

 Let’s start pointing out how ambitious Kagami is: during her first appearance in Riposte, she is determined to get to enter the most prestigious fencing school in Paris, and doesn’t even falter upon the challenge of defeating their most talented student; while episodes like Oni-chan show that she’s ambitious to get Adrien (and finish Lila, but that’s all of us). Her acts as Ryuko also goes to show this, as she’s clearly not willing to back down and is always willing to fight and win.

 However, she is not unfair, as seen again in Riposte, as she accepts her loss to Adrien was fair – it wasn’t, really –, even if it meant not getting what she wanted.

 Although Kagami doesn’t seem to be entirely selfish, she’s one to look after herself (the two are easily mistaken, hence this is seen as a Slytherin “bad trait”). We see it in Desperada, when she ditches fencing class to be able go out with Adrien; in Ikari Gozen, when she disobeys her mother in order to finally make friends; in Loveater, when she comments she doesn’t want to hurt Marinette, but would not give up on Adrien either.

 Ikari Gozen also shows that Kagami is level-headed, a natural leader, and rather cunning, given not only her strategies to deceive her mother in order to play the friendship game, but also her behaviour during the game and as Ryuko. This episode, along with Riposte and Frozer, for example, demonstrates that she strives to be the best at what she does.

 We see it in Animaetro how she doesn’t let herself be intimidated.

Kagami is decided, as seen in Frozer, Desperada and Loveater. She doesn’t hesitate.

Luka Couffaine/Viperion – Hufflepuff

 Oh, you thought I was going to finish this without sorting my snake boy?

 Easy one. Very easy. Once you put aside the thought of Snake = Slytherin and Blue = Ravenclaw, it gets quite visible how Luka is the perfect Hufflepuff!

 First of: he’s an extremely just person. One of the main themes of the episode Silencer is how he demands justice for his band and friends.

 Luka has also shown himself to be immeasurably selfless. This is seen in basically all of the episodes he has an appearance on, but I’ll name Captain Hardrock (he gives his  guitar pick to Marinette upon seeing that she likes it + stays behind to help her escape The Liberty), Desperada (he puts himself in harm’s way to help Ladybug and Adrien escape + he lets Adrien borrow his guitar without a flinch), Felix (literally everything he says in this episode), Miracle Queen (he sacrifices himself to the evil wasps) and Loveater (the scene where he drops his bicycle and his beloved guitar to comfort Marinette is some symbolic selfless beautiful shit and I’m about to cry).

 In the same theme, he is notably kind. He’s never a hostile person – safe for Silencer, but that was a special occasion – and always seems to greet everyone with a smile and – when he finds them – kind words. I’ll exemplify using Adrien: despite knowing pretty well that Marinette is in love with the model boy, Luka was never once bitter towards him, treats him like any other friend (watch Desperada, Frozer and even Chat Blanc. Watch closely) and even states that he’ll be happy for them if they end up together (Felix).

 I’ll also mention how supportive of a brother he is (Reflekdoll is our main example, though I need more Couffaine Siblings’ interaction, please) and how he gives Marinette a bicycle ride to the Grand Paris Hotel (Loveater) to help her; he didn’t need to do that at all.

 We can see that what he wants the most is for Marinette to be happy, even if it’s not with him. He’s there to support the people he loves no matter what and respects their wants and needs. Take some notes, Chat Noir (ok, kidding. I love you, Chat. But do take notes).

 Luka is the definition of patience. I mean… Let’s talk about Desperada, where, right after he confessed his heart to Marinette, she just ignores him and straight out treats him like trash to favour Adrien (I’m not blaming Mari, tho; I know she’s a confused little bean and didn’t mean any harm). What does he do? He shrugs it off with a smile and keeps his cool unfaltering. Furthermore, he never seems to expect anything from Marinette after that declaration.

 Plus, when he’s chosen to receive the Snake Miraculous, one of the things he does best is to watch patiently for the opponent’s moves to know the best strategy to take.

 Plus plus, he lives in a houseboat with Juleka, the Anxious Horror Loving Sister, and Anarka, the Chaotic Havoc Mum. I love the Couffaines, but living in The Liberty must be a nightmare sometimes.

 Another point to take in consideration would be how Luka is a hard-worker. Despite him being pretty chill and laid-back, we often see Luka composing and/or practicing for Kitty Section. Not only that, but we also see in Loveater he has a job as a delivery boy through Paris. On a bicycle.

 To wrap this up, I’ll say that Luka is pretty empathic. Just take his whole “reading people and translating them/their feelings into a song” thing we see in Captain Hardrock, Frozer and Loveater. I rest my case.

 *

 Phew, we’re done!

You headcanon these in different houses? I’d love to discuss it!

[tsushimanoonryo]

Character Solidifying pt. 2

The second half of this.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

The Dawn Refuge is pretty run-down. It’s a shack that Jin has repurposed into a safe house. However, he does his best to keep it liveable. He keeps a number of sentimental items there, and each item has its own place. As for his personal appearance, he tries to maintain a certain level of cleanliness. He’s always going to be covered in mud, sweat, and blood, but he does his best to bathe as often as he can. Whenever his clothing starts to get frayed, he’ll patronize someone at a local village to mend it. He always keeps his armored oiled, lacquered, and ready for battle. He’ll try to shave when he can and he keeps his hair pulled back in a haphazard bun so it isn’t in his face. He certainly doesn’t look like a lord anymore, but he maintains a sense of nobility in his demeanor and personal hygiene.

27. How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?

He prizes functionality over form these days. He will try to personalize when he can, but it is never as ostentatious as it was when he was Lord Sakai. What he wears is very similar to the peasants of Tsushima because he needs to blend in with them to a point. Can’t have the Shogun’s men or the Khan’s stragglers recognizing him on sight.

28. Who is your character’s mate? How do they relate to him or her? How did they make their choice?

Canonically, no one. In my heart (and Jin’s), it’s Yuna. He literally would not be alive because of her. She saved his life on three separate occasions and is responsible for the legend of The Ghost. She is a thief, true, but she’s a survivor. Jin respects her so much and has learned a great deal from her. He would give his life for the people of Tsushima, and he would give his life for her especially. Neither has blood relations any more, but Jin considers Yuna to be closer than family. He would do anything she asked of him, including running away from all this. All she has to do is ask. She won’t, though, which is why he loves her so much. She understands and accepts his drive to protect his people. He trusts her with everything and would die for her sake.

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

His weakness is also his strength: Jin feels everything. He is ruled by his emotions. This is a good and bad thing. He cares very deeply and will fight hard because of it. But he also can sometimes let his emotions overwhelm him. This leads to stupid things like trying to fight the Khan alone on a bridge with broken armor. He’s getting better at using his emotions as a tool, but he still can sometimes let them overwhelm him.

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

He’s holding on to a lot of guilt and regret. Pretty much everyone he loves died. Some by his own hand, some because of mistakes he’s made. He will always feel like he could have done more for his father, even though logically he knows he was still a child and probably would have died had he tried to come to his aide. Killing Ryuzo was a result of Ryuzo’s pride and unwillingness to work with Jin, but he still hates that he had to do it. And his uncle asked to be killed, and honoring that wish was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. In idle moments, Jin replays these scenes and scans his memory for anything he might have done for these outcomes to have ended differently. He’s yet to come up with anything.

31. Does your character have children? How do they feel about their parental role? About the children? How do the children relate?

He does not. He’s never had a strong desire to be a parent. Rather, he wanted to pass on his family name (through either the Sakai or Shimura line) and ensure the survival of his clan. However, that is no longer an option. Sometimes, in his weaker moments, he imagines running off with Yuna to the mainland to start a family and disappear into anonymity, but he would never actually do it. The guilt for abandoning his people would nag at him for the rest of his life. So he probably won’t ever have children of his own. The closest he will get to ever being a parent is being a role model for aimless young men who want to join in The Ghost’s fight. He wouldn’t quite be comfortable with it, but he would do his best to guide them when the time comes.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

He tries to remain stoic outwardly, but inwardly he is a storm of emotions. Worry, anger, fear, regret… Just a big mess. However, he will try to channel these emotions into finding a solution to the cause of his stress. He will try to face everything head-on and, failing that, will come at it from a different angle. Anything to find a solution and return to inner peace. If it doesn’t work out, he’ll doggedly try again until he either solves the problem or runs out of options.

33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health? 

He doesn’t drink heavily, but one of his close friends is a sake merchant who has no problem letting him sample his wares for free. Aside from regularly taking a beating and getting hurt with swords, arrows, and bombs, his health is relatively okay. He’s survived multiple situations that should have killed him, so his constitution is pretty strong.

34. Does your character feel self-righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?

He’s basically a medieval Japanese Batman. He knows what he is doing is right, but he’s frustrated at the powers that be for not listening to him in regards to fighting the Mongols. He’s also got a (not so) healthy dose of vengeance making up his driving force. He tries to keep it in check, but a part of him does enjoy being The Ghost.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

Jin does not handle his own failure well at all. He’ll silently agonize over it and keep himself up with guilt and regret. He’s much better at dealing with the failure of others. In that case, he’ll just get extremely annoyed and fix it himself. He holds himself to a much higher standard than everyone else.

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

Absolutely not. Jin can’t abide anyone suffering. Unless they’re a Mongol. Even then, he wants to know they suffered, but doesn’t want to watch it.

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

Jin spends a lot of time in his own memories. He is constantly reliving his past to see if there’s anything at all he could have done to change the outcome or learn from his mistakes. He is constantly trying to glean any insights from the lessons of his past.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?

Jin tries to keep an open mind when facing new things. He is guarded until he sees how things are going to turn out, but he isn’t going to be afraid to try a new way of doing things. Jin’s not so arrogant that he doesn’t realize someone else’s way of doing things might not be better than his.

39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?

He doesn’t like to ridicule anyone or anything. However, he does find a lot of things stupid. He hates when people are so blinded by tradition or their own sense of self-importance that they won’t even consider that they might be wrong. He thinks that is the most ignorant, foolish way to live.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?

Jin has a great sense of humor under the right circumstances. When he doesn’t have the weight of saving all of Japan from the Mongols on his shoulders, he likes to cut loose. He does know how to have a good time. It’s just that he hasn’t been having a very good time as of late.

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?

He is very aware of who he is. Growing up, no one ever let him forget he was the jito’s nephew. Now that he’s distanced himself from that, no one lets him forget that he is The Ghost. However, he does still feel some insecurities over how well suited he is to these different mantles. He knows his own strengths, but he is hyper aware of his weaknesses too. He will sometimes try to joke about them, but it belies a very real sense of disappointment in himself.

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

A god damn nap. But on a more serious note, he mostly wants a family and sense of belonging. He also wants very badly to not disappoint the people he loves best. They all want different things from him and he wants to be able to deliver on all fronts. He will run himself ragged trying to do so, sacrificing his own happiness at times so that his loved ones can be happy. 

43. Does your character have any secrets? If so, are they holding them back?

Jin is sort of bad at keeping secrets. For example: everyone fucking knows he’s The Ghost. He tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and is a bad liar, so he doesn’t keep a lot of secrets.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?

Badly enough to be declared a traitor to the Shogun. He wants to live by his own personal code of honor, helping those who cannot help themselves, so he’ll do whatever it takes to achieve this. Even if it means going against hundreds of years of tradition or using underhanded tactics. If it means more people will survive and be safe, Jin will do it.

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?

Jin feels responsible for everyone and everything. He is extremely reliable. If there’s even the tiniest chance he can take care of something, he’ll promise to do it and he’ll get it done. He would like to think that he is pragmatic, as that is how his uncle raised him to be, but Jin is quite emotional. He just hides it very well. He is a man of action, but he doesn’t rush into things half-cocked anymore. He’ll sit and strategize, trying to find the best plan of attack that will have the least amount of fallout damage.

46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?

Jin is short by modern standards, standing at only 5’2’’. However, that was on the tallish side for men in feudal Japan. He has a lithe, muscular build and he carries himself with the poise and dignity required of a samurai. He is quite proud of his body, less for how it looks and more for how powerful it is. He’s accomplished numerous feats of physical prowess, including surviving things that should have killed him. So yes. He’s proud of what his body has been through and what it can do. It just also happens to look nice.

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Do they want to be visible or invisible?

When he was younger, he wanted people to notice him. He wanted them to see him as a brave warrior because he thought that might make him feel less guilt about watching his father die and doing nothing. However, he’s done a complete 180. He wants to blend in and remain unseen. This way, he can work more efficiently. Of course, everyone knows he’s The Ghost, but it’s the principle of the matter. He’s not going to draw any extra attention to himself if he doesn’t have to.

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?

Very restrained. He generally does not use his hands when he talks and he tries to keep his face neutral save for when he is out carousing. But he rarely ever does that anymore.

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

He’s got a soft, gentle voice. Most people don’t expect that from The Ghost. It’s smooth, like brandy. He was schooled in proper speech and grammar ever since he was a child, so you wouldn’t notice anything other than eloquence from him. When he’s speaking English in the yakuza verse, he speaks with a Japanese accent. It isn’t heavily accented, English, however; you’re not going to have trouble understanding him.

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

Jin has trained himself to keep a neutral face for most of the time. However, he isn’t always great at hiding his emotions. He’ll frown and furrow his brow quite a bit when he’s unhappy. He rarely smiles with his teeth, but he does smile. It’s just very restrained. My boy needs to loosen up.

[kewltie]

a ‘what’s wrong with secretary kim?’ au where katsuki is the arrogant and tyrannical heir to a conglomerate and izuku is his capable and excellent secretary who is single handedly holding back his employees from starting an uprising and killing katsuki bc he’s a goddamn perfectionist bastard but now Izuku suddenly wants to quit and KATSUKI IS NOT HAVING IT :P.  

on the anniversary of izuku’s 10th year with the company, AND TEN YEAR WORKING AS KATSUKI’S SECRETARY, there’s a big wide company celebration for it despite the fact that there are ppl who had worked there longer and in more powerful position than a mere secretary to the president, but izuku is like THE IDOL of the entire company and there’s a HUGE reason for that :P. 

katsuki’s own this large business empire that date back to taisho period but it is mitsuki who truly shapes it to this powerful entity it is today. katsuki is the heir to this vast empire and he lives his life knowing what he has to do and how far he’ll have to go to reach it so he places an enormous amount expectation on himself just to live up to everyone view of him bc his mother is just so badass. this make him incredibly hard to work WITH and UNDER bc he’s set the bar so high and expect you not to leap but like skyrocket all the way to the fucking moon or something. he drives most of his employees insane with his perfectionism and micromanagement and like most president try to have some semblance of professional and distance b/t employer/emplyee status quo but katsuki breaks every rule by cursing daily and being a pain in their ass as he visits their floor to harassed them to get their work done in time. he’s very hands on and take no bullshit so if he doesn’t like something YOU WILL HEAR ALL ABOUT IT. this make the work enviroment extremely stressful and hectic for the employees but the one saving grace is THE AMAZING EMPLOYEE PACKAGE and IZUKU. 

so even though katsuki make it HARD to work under/with him, his company (surprisingly) tops the list of best place to work at every single year bc of how their great employees benefit. there’s 40% discount on all their products for their employees, they get paid leave for a week at every quarter, mandatory paid vacation time that last 2-3 weeks, great maternity benefits, amazing childcare service at the company which provide 24/7 childcare bc the company never sleep, employment/raised/and rise in rank is based on a merit system so the population pretty evenly 50/50 male & female, the paid is extremely good, they have zero tolerance for sexual harassment, great healthcare coverage and even have psychiatric department for burnout/stress/etc, and their cafeteria food is sooooo good that most fine dinning. so even though it is highly competitive and stressful place that place exceedingly high expectation and workload on their employees, they have very low turnover rate.  

that number can also be contributed to izuku bc izuku is the reason most of them don’t like murder katsuki out of rage and fear lol. izuku is beyond good at his job. he manages katsuki’s business and HIS LIFE and he does it with a friendly smile and a cheer. when katsuki order his employees to get this done in like today even though the workload is insane, izuku would bring them food and drinks, come into their office to check up on them, provide them keynotes on their project, run over their project with them, etc doing everything he can to assist them to get their work complete. he’s just so terrifyingly good at his job that everyone kinda joke how it would take a hundred people just to replace izuku bc izuku is pretty much the heart and soul of their company. katsuki may rule the company and dictate the direction of where they’ll go but izuku keeps everything running smoothly and get them there in time and in orderly fashion. 

and it’s not just that he’s good at his job but izuku is the buffer b/t them and katsuki bc he’s is one of the few that can stand toe to toe with katsuki and  LIVE. despite izuku always super friendly with everyone, he and katsuki often clash on how they see things and katsuki’s behavior which end in screaming matches sometimes lol. izuku is the peacekeeper and the negotiator between katsuki and JUST ABOUT EVERYONE. they know that rarely can they win katsuki over if they also don’t have izuku on their side too. EVEN HIS BUSINESS PARTNERS KNOW THAT bc everybody think this but nobody is willing to say it but izuku is prob the 2nd most powerful person in the entire company bc he got the ears of the president and though katsuki doesn’t hesitate to lash out at izuku, he always listen to what izuku got to say even as he reject them later lmao. he’s just really good with dealing with katsuki so many ppl defer to him whenever they have to report to katsuki bc izuku would keep him from like killing them when they don’t meet his crazy as fuck deadline/requirement/expectations. 

SO YEA when izuku’s 10th year anniversary come along everybody is excited to celebrate izuku’s milestone and the next decade onward bc izuku is a stable in the company and everyone expect him to be around years and years bc any other thought would be UNTHINKABLE. katsuki even generously offer to fulfill any of izuku’s wish since it’s also their 10th year anniversary of izuku becoming his secretary, WHICH is hilarious and sad but it’s the longer either of them ever had with anyone. but on the night just as katsuki is ready make izuku’s wish come true like a new condo, a new car, etc which are all ridiculous presents bc izuku already got an apartment and A FUNCTIONAL CAR but rich ass ppl don’t really know moderation bc on izuku’s 30th birthday katsuki bought an island under izuku’s name JUST BC HE CAN and also, “so you can run away to it whenever i piss you off,” and izuku didn’t talk to katsuki for an entire day LMAO. anyway so YES izuku’s 10th year wish which katsuki assume would be something boring and entirely TOO feasible like new book collections by his fav writer but NOPE. it’s... “I want to quit, sir,” and katsuki is so shocked by izuku’s sudden request that he lit have a meltdown at izuku’s 10th year party which is at the roof of their company building with thousands of ppl. he stopped  kicked everyone OUT just so he can properly yell at izuku bc WTFFFFFFFFF. 

the thing is despite the amount of them katsuki had fire izuku (which is number in the hundreds by now), izuku had never left the job. he is just as dedicate to the company as katsuki and not once ever complaint about his work. complain about katsuki’s tyrannical demands YES but never the company or the people he work with bc HE LOVES IT. so this??? IS SO OUT OF THE LEFT FIELD THAT KATSUKI freaks out!!!!!! izuku has been with katsuki for soooooooooo long that katsuki took izuku’s constant presence as forever bc who else gets him the way izuku does?? it took him years to trained izuku to his expectation it’s going to take ages for him to train another person to replace izuku and just thinking about it MAKE HIM SO ANGRY BC DOES IZUKU KNOW HOW MUCH KATSUKI INVESTED IN IZUKU AND NOW HE’S JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM IT ALL FOR NOTHING????

except izuku does have a reason and it’s his happiness. for ten years izuku dedicate his life to the company and katsuki. he does everything for them even putting his love life secondary and now that’s he’s into his 30s he realize how much life has passed him by. izuku wants to get fall in love and get marry. he wants to find his own happiness outside the company and katsuki and KATSUKI IS SO FUCKING CONFUSED AND LIVID. apparently, izuku was having his annual psych evals and talk with their psychologist and it made him reaize what he has been missing and he’d finally reach that point where he decided instead of putting others before him like he’d always did now it’s his turn to put himself first so yes HE’S QUITTING.

so katsuki storm onto the psych floor to yell at the company psychologist that they got on retainers for the employees (to deal with stress/ family issues/mental health etc but also mainly as a place to vent about work and HOW MUCH THEY WANT TO PUNCH KATSUKI IN THE THROAT) and demand to know what the fuck SHE HAD IZUKU INTO bc izuku would never thought to leave him if she didn’t put all that stupid nonsense in his head. she simply raises a brow and calmly ask katsuki to sit down to talk it over instead of yelling at her. 

as soon as katsuki sits down she tells him, “it’s doctor-patient confidentiality, so i can not discuss what passed between me and midoriya-san,” and katsuki is one second from flipping her coffee table over but she continues unfazed, “but as he had explained to you, mirdoriya-san have always put others before him and rarely think of his own future but now he’s determine o chase his own happiness.” 

and katsuki just shouts, “BUT I AM HIS HAPPINESS!!” 

he stops. she looks at him evenly. he stares at her in horror. she smiles. and he knows he’d fallen into her trap because FUCK. 

katsuki had been in love twice in his life and they were longstanding relationships but they never pass 3 years bc of work. OR SO HE THINKS. his work always come first and he goes into his relationship letting his partner know how important his work is to him and that they may be second place but that’s just the way it is. only two of the people he met and fell for accepted that part of him and when they do break up it’s bc katsuki didn’t put them first which katsuki is like??? BUT I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY but at that time he didn’t get it. now with startlingly clarity, he realizes what they meant that they were okay with coming second to work but not coming second to IZUKU. katsuki had canceled dates and anniversaries bc of overseas meetings and last mins work but izuku is the only one he literally ditched a very important business meeting all the way in paris and flew back to japan bc he heard izuku got into an accident even though izuku insisted he was okay AND THAT HE ONLY GOT A CONCUSSION GEEZ KACCHAN PLS GO BACK. katsuki live his entire life w/o restrained but izuku is the one to make him willing to compromise and meet ppl in the middle. he never felt the lacking in wealth, respect, talent, and love bc he got it all. wealth from his family’s fortune, respect from the people around, talent from himself, and then love is from izuku. 

their relation actualy gooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaay back. even before izuku started to work as katsuki’s secretary. few know of this but izuku’s mother work as housekeeper for katsuki’s family and izuku grew up alongside katsuki as his playmate. from the time katsuki was in diapers izuku was with him every step. izuku attended same elementary school, jr. high, high school, and even same college with katsuki. they literally been together all their life. everyone always assume that izuku only make it through such prestioug school bc of his connection with katsuki and that is sort of true bc mitsuki paid it all for izuku to attend bc she adores inko & izuku but that just mean izuku have to endure all the hate and jealousy thrown his way. he was burden by the fact that he was close to katsuki and that ppl think he’s a leech so izuku work extremely hard to be able to stand beside katsuki, to prove to everyone that he isn’t useless and that he can help katsuki. even when they got to same elite college, izuku refused mitsuki offer to pay his way in but did his best to win a scholarship just so he can be at the same school as katsuki bc for all katsuki’s mercurial temper, katsuki never rely on his talent to get him there but he pushed himself there. he admires katsuki deeply and wishes to stand on even ground with him so that one day he can help katsuki as he rises to the top. that’s his only dream. EXCEPT izuku never got to fulfill it bc in the middle of izuku second year, he suddenly dropped out bc his mom fell sick and inko & izuku who had always rely on the generosity of katsuki’s family decide the family had done enough for them so izuku left school midway to take care of his mother, disappearing from katsuki’s life completely. 

katsuki literally went on a bender and his grades that semester suffered for it. in the end he pulled himself back together with the help of really great friends and katsuki swore he’ll never let anyone effect him like that again. his work & goals come first, everything else is secondary. that’s what he tell himself anyway but izuku always been the exception to every rule he’d made for himself. 

it won’t be years until they meet again, when katsuki start as an executive position in the company and izuku comes to him as a new hire, looking to work right under katsuki. katsuki put IZUKU THROUGH THE RINGER AND PUSHED HIM MORE THAN ANY OTHER that everyone is convinced katsuki got it out for izuku but just smile and prevailed every obstacle that katsuki throw at him bc even more the stress of the workload, more than hours he spent up late at night getting it done, more than his own peace of mind, izuku want to work with katsuki again. WANTS TO BE WITH HIM so he keep on trying, keep on pushing himself to get it done. and he did. he does. 

katsuki ofc found out why izuku disappear but he never ask why izuku chose to come back to him bc in the end the answer has always been in izuku’s smile. he had chased katsuki from their childhood and all the way into their college years and even though he was gone for several years, now he was back to chased after katsuki again. to choose out of all the company he can work for, HE PICKED THIS ONE, it said all he need to say. their life have been bound to each other from the start so yea katsuki never realize he’s in love with izuku bc there’s no aha moment, no light bulb moment bc izuku have always been there chasing after him and katsuki can always look over his shoulder and find izuku right there as sure as gravity bc how can he fall in love when he’s been standing on solid ground the entire time and izuku is the foundation of his everything. 

now that he realize he’s going to lose izuku, the floor beneath him starts to crack and he realizes it’s his turn to give chase. HE DOES THE ONLY THING HE KNOWS HOW: propose to izuku LMAO. look, now that katsuki realizes that he has been in love with izuku all along so why the fuck should they date bc they’re practically been married for ten years on the job and have been running this fucking company together with their millions of kids. he can’t imagine running this company without izuku’s constant presence at his side dispensing advice and carrying out his orders to the absolute best of his ability. LIKE, everyone joke how izuku is katsuki’s wrangler but no izuku nickname in the company is the guillotine bc izuku is katsuki’s sword. when katsuki tell izuku to do something, he get SHIT DONE no matter what and izuku is sweet on everyone but the moment someone do something to mess with katsuki, izuku is a force to be reckon with. so yea these two alone themselves are terrifying but together they’re MONSTERS and they wont stop till they take you for everything. 

so how can izuku wants to break that partnership up bc they’re sooo amazing together?? esp when katsuki can make izuku a hundred times more happy than anyone else. AND THEY DON’T NEED TO DATE WITH SO MUCH HISTORY B/T THEM. katsuki just want to get marry already bc he never half ass anything and marriage is most acceptable step for them even though it’s just a formality at this point bc he’s practically married to izuku already if not in reality but in their heart. 

they literally broke all the rules/boundaries of employer/employee relationship bc they have keys to each other home, more than one time katsuki’s SO mention dating katsuki is like dating katsuki and IZUKU bc of how much izuku is involve not just his business but his life as well, and they’re so bound to each other that izuku (who actually dated a lot but they’re short live fling bc they can’t handle his job and him always prioritizing katsuki first) and katsuki never have a relationship last longer than their three decades with each other. they’re practically it for each other. now katsuki just need izuku to see it. 

so yea he propose bc that’s just make sense (lmao). and izuku is like :||| NO THANKS bc izuku just assume it’s just another delayed tactic bc katsuki THAT DUMBASS is like ‘”if you quit the morale of this company will go down to a point where im sure they will revolt soon enough so marry me before that happen”. he wanted to say, “ME AND THIS COMPANY WOULD BURN TO THE GROUND W/O YOU THERE SO PLS MARRY US” but it sound like it’s all for the company and izuku is tired SO TIRED of doing everything just for the company and katsuki. he just want to do something for himself for once but katsuki wont let up and convinced izuku to go along with engagement for like 3 months bc if izuku is looking for love & Happy ENDING than katsuki will give it to him. who else can give him all that if not katsuki??? 

izuku is JUST SO TIRED but he decided to humor katsuki so katsuki can get off his back and let him leave. he never expected that katsuki make such concerted effort to woo him for real lol. 

ofc their engagement causes a huge uproar among the employees which were already having a meltdown earlier bc they had heard about izuku wanting to quit and the number of people heading toward the psychiatrist floor was more than the last three years COMBINED bc the thought of losing the lone person who can keep katsuki from verbally murdering them all is panic inducing. 

their engagement doesn’t really change anything in the status of their work relationship. katsuki continues to yell at people and izuku continues to play buffer but occasionally katsuki will slides his hand across Izuku’s own and they just touch fleetingly but it burns enough that izuku can’t stop thinking about it all day. it’s like suddenly every nerve cells in izuku’s body is awake and alive and they’re just realizing how much KATSUKI BOTHERS HIM. WHICH IS A LOT. like izuku already spent so much time with katsuki so he never notice it before but now everything feels purposeful and intimate in a way like a veil is removed over his head. it’s always been there but he just never see it before bc sometimes it’s hard to know what you’re looking for when you’re LITERALLY STARING RIGHT AT IT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. 

the slow seduction of izuku is HILARIOUS AND TROUBLING BC THEY DONT DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT YET EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT WHICH MADE IZUKU REALIZE ALL ALONG THEY ARE WORST THAN MARRIED BUT LIKE SOULMATES LOL. katsuki bringing izuku as his plus one to events is the same as when he brought izuku there as his secretary; izuku eating dinner with katsuki’s family as his fiance is like how he did like A COUPLE WEEKS AGO; izuku and katsuki spending time together doing work, doing grocery shopping (bc that’s a thing you apparenlty do with your secretary???), doing movies, etc is all NORMAL AND THE SAME but now there’s an undercurrent of something else, something bigger than izuku is afraid to name. 

but izuku still think katsuki only keep this charade bc katsuki need izuku here so he would do anything to izuku. but actually katsuki doesn’t actually need izuku. he can MANAGE WITHOUT HIM. it won’t be easy but he can do it. he’s bakugou katsuki after all but... he doesn’t want to. he may not need izuku and there may be other options out there but he will always chooses izuku in the end. it’s just the way it is. 

i just imagine a lot of drama IN DUE PART TO BEING ASIAN DRAMAS and misunderstanding before their 3 months is up and izuku realizing what exactly katsuki meant AND THEY’RE TOGETHER TOGETHER but they’re getting there :P. Slowly but yea!!

[willsherjohnkhan]

Here Be Dragons

Chapter 1: Consumed By One's Inner Dragon

***

“I consider myself married to my work.”

“I’m a high-functioning sociopath.”

“All that matters to me is the work. Without that, my brain rots.”

“Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side.”

“I don’t have friends.”

“Alone is what I have. Alone protects me.”

These were a few, but by no means all, of the ridiculous mantras Sherlock Holmes, world’s only Consulting Detective, and all round pain in the arse lived by.

The more he espoused these stupid statements, the more they became fact, in his mind at least.

And as such, they proved to be his ultimate downfall...

***

221B BAKER STREET – BEDROOM

Sherlock opened his eyes, and groaned. He felt like he’d been on a drug-fuelled bender after running a marathon, maybe several marathons. His whole body ached, and the more he tried to get comfortable the more pain he felt.

Even getting himself up into a sitting position proved extremely difficult, but once he’d managed it, he became aware of the smoke-haze that hung over his bed. And yet he had no memory of smoking the night before.

Unable to twist himself around to get out of bed, he ended up getting on all fours to crawl to the end of the bed, where he promptly lost his balance, plunging headfirst.

As he toppled off the end of the bed he automatically braced for impact. Instead however he managed to perform an impressive summersault that ended with him landing on his feet. It was only then that he realised how unbalanced and top heavy he felt. Taking an unsteady step forward he felt something wrap itself around his legs, impeding his momentum forward, and he fell face-forward to the floor.

His overriding thought, once he could formulate one was, ‘What the bloody hell did I take last night?’

Raising his head he looked around to see what had tripped him up. And that’s when he spotted something that looked suspiciously like a tail, a highly unusual tail.

With some effort he managed to struggle to his feet, and began to walk towards his chest-of-draws. But as he passed the full length mirror something extraordinary caught his eye, and he paused to investigate.

What he saw in the reflection left him momentarily stunned. He felt like he was looking through someone, or rather something else’s eyes. His face and upper body still looked familiar, but even so there was no disguising the fact that he had undergone what could only be best described as a radical transformation.

His hair had been flattened, save for a few errant curls that fell across his forehead. Keeping his hair down was a crest of horns that had also elongated his ears. His skin around his now pointed ears had a golden brown hue to it. A colour that was also reflected in his eyebrows and eyes, although if he looked close enough he could still make out a flicker of familiar blue and green.

Golden brown also covered his shoulders. The skin here was covered in an elaborate pattern of scales of varying sizes that although soft to the touch were extremely strong, like armour. These same scales were visible all over his body, some light, others dark.

Two magnificent wings protruded out from his shoulder-blades. The membrane looked very thin, but was flexible and incredibly strong. Keeping the membrane in place was a patchwork of delicate, hollow bones, three of which extended past the membrane to form a thumb and two finger-like appendages.

The tail extended out from his tailbone. It was long and thin, with thorny spikes all along its entire length, ending with an arrow shaped tip. The tail was strong and flexible, and like the wings was prehensile.

Around his neck and upper arms were items of jewellery. They were made from the finest gold, inserted into the gold were sparkling rubies and garnets.

His nose, lips, arms, hands, legs and feet at least still appeared human. And although he still remained slim, his shoulders were now broad, while his chest had expanded to become much more powerful.

Abruptly Sherlock turned away and let out an agonised roar that resulted in a plume of flame emerging from his mouth. And with an audible ‘WHOOSH’ the chest-of-draws with its impeccably maintained sock index, was instantly incinerated.

Sherlock stared aghast at the little pile of smoking ash.

“Well shit,” he muttered, before making his way over to the bedroom door.

But when he tried to walk through, he discovered that couldn’t fit through the doorframe. Having no control over the appendages that had sprung out from his shoulder-blades, and as they stubbornly refused to fold back to allow him through he ended up having to take the matter into his own hands, quite literally. With the only way to deal with them requiring Sherlock to reach behind and take hold of each wing, pulling them close together so that he could fit through the door.

*

221B BAKER STREET – SITTING ROOM

Once out he made his way to the sitting room. He opened his mouth, intending to call out to Mrs Hudson, when he remembered what happened in his bedroom. So instead he walked over to the door to his flat, opened it, and called out as loud as he dared. “Mrs Hudson!”

To his relief only smoke emerged through his lips.

Shortly after the familiar footsteps of his elderly landlady could be heard coming up the stairs.

To her credit Mrs Hudson didn’t bat an eyelid upon discovering that her tenant had transformed into a dragon. But given what she had to put up from him: body parts in the fridge, unsavoury types coming and going at all hours, bullets being fired into the wall because he was bored. This no doubt was the least of her worries.

“I need food now,” Sherlock demanded, feeling unusually ravenous.

“Of course dear, you sit and relax, and I’ll be back in a jiffy,” she responded calmly, in a soothing motherly tone.

After Mrs Hudson had gone back downstairs to make his breakfast, Sherlock realising just how exhausted he was from the mornings events, decided to take his landlady’s advice and attempted to sit down in his chair, only his newly acquired tail and wings made it almost impossible.

“What is the point of you?” he snarled, immediately becoming irritable when the wings continued to refuse to co-operate. A deep, rumbling growl of frustration emerged from his lips, as he attempted to do all he could to not lose his temper.

As he continued his struggle a cheerful voice from the doorway noted. “Wings are quite handy actually. They allow you to fly.”

*** NB - The fanart that inspired this story can be found at: http://cumberbum.tumblr.com/post/63210349920/cumberbums-manips-cumbersmaug-inspired-by

***

Chapter 2: Not Your Ordinary Case

***

Molly Hooper had a most unusual problem that needed solving. But she knew she was going to need someone very particular to help her out.

For this was no ordinary, run-of-the-mill type situation. It required someone who could look outside the box in order to find the solution.

She then remembered hearing rumours about a man who had made a career out of specialising in the type of cases that were beyond the scope of Scotland Yard. The type of problems generally categorised as surprising, funny or odd. It was also said that he defended those regarded as different.

And that was precisely the type of man she needed.

As she set out for Baker Street, she could only hope that all she had heard about him turned out to be true.

***

BAKER STREET, LONDON, W1

Making her way along Baker Street, Molly began to have second thoughts.

Her story was just too incredible, and completely unimaginable to comprehend. Why would anyone, let alone one purported to be of the calibre of Sherlock Holmes believe anything she had to say.

As she approached the famed detectives address, she was overwhelmed by a need to turn tail and go back the way she had come, when she became aware of something taking place from the upper level flat. An inhuman roar filled with agony and despair filled her ears, followed by the unmistakable whoosh of expelled flame.

These sounds were music to Molly’s ears. Everything might be all right after all.

*

221B BAKER STREET

Molly made her way up the stairs. As she reached the landing she could hear down below the landlady making preparations for breakfast. She was also aware of the presence in the upper flat.

As she walked over to the already open door, she saw that her conclusions about the detective were spot on. Pride, arrogance and a supreme sense of his own superiority over others had led to him being currently in the process of transforming into a dragon.

He was still in the dragon-kind midpoint stage of his transformation.

And he clearly wasn’t happy about it.

“What exactly is the point of you?” the exasperated question was directed at the wings he was attempting to get out of his way, having still not yet learned how to control them.

His predicament brought a smile to Molly’s lips, as she noted cheerily. “Wings are quite handy actually. They allow you to fly.”

There was barely any warning, just a snap and a flick, and then the sensation of a dragon’s tail wrapping itself around her, before she was lifted in the air and held up for inspection.

With his head cocked to the side, Sherlock took his time to peruse the woman, his gaze taking inventory of everything about her, head to toe.

Lifting her even higher, he queried curiously. “And who might you be, may I ask?”

“Molly Hooper,” Molly responded.

Sherlock frowned, something wasn’t adding up. Leaning forward, he sniffed her cautiously. Pulling back, he appraised her once again.

“You appear human,” he sniffed her again carefully to confirm his assessment. “Yet you don’t smell like one.”

Unwise as it was to look a dragon in the eye, Molly felt confident enough that Sherlock wasn’t aware of that particular power as yet, to do precisely that. “You’re right,” she answered honestly. “I’m not human, I’m fae. Or at least I was.”

“By fae, you mean as in fairy?”

Molly nodded.

“And why does a fairy require the services of a Consulting Detective, pray tell?”

“I was placed under a curse by...”

Before she could finish her explanation, Sherlock had already made his mind up.

“Boring!” he pronounced, and promptly threw her across the room.

Thanks to her still reasonably quick reflexes, Molly managed to ensure that she landed safely on the sofa.

Getting to her feet, she decided she’d had enough of his attitude, whether human or dragon, Molly was about to give Sherlock a piece of her mind when an outraged ‘yelps’ had her rushing over to see what the problem was.

His transformation thus far had taken place while he had been sleeping. But now he was seeing it in action, and the visual, let alone the sensation had Sherlock as close as he’d ever come to an all out panic attack as he observed and felt claws and talons replacing his finger and toenails.

“What the hell, this cannot be happening?”

Molly heard the panic in his voice, and made her way over to him. She placed her hands firmly on his shoulders. “Sherlock, you need to calm down,” she instructed. “Take deep even breaths, and concentrate on the thought ‘retract.’”

Sherlock does as she suggests, and to his surprise, and great relief his fingers and toes return to normal.

Molly stepped back.

“Will that work to get rid of the rest of all this?” he asked, his question showing true vulnerability.

“No,” Molly replied. “A stronger magic is required to reverse such a transformation.”

‘What type of stronger magic, like Fairy magic?’ It suddenly occurred to the dragonised detective that helping her out would benefit him greatly.

“All right I’ll take the case,” he announced, making his way towards the doorway.

“Whoa there, where do you think you’re going?” Molly enquired.

Sherlock turned back to her, his expression one of annoyance, “To hail a taxi, obviously.”

Molly shook her head, as a delightful giggle escaped her lips as she pointed out. “There’s no way you’ll fit in a taxi, or a train carriage for that matter.”

“So what do you suggest we do?” Sherlock huffed out impatiently, a small trickle of smoke emerging from his nostrils.

Molly indicated his newly acquired appendages with a nod of her head. “You fly.”

“I don’t fly,” he huffed indignantly.

“You are Dragon-kind now Sherlock,” Molly reminded him, her tone turning serious. “You have wings. It’s time you learned to use them.”

***

Chapter 3: Learning to Fly

***

HYDE PARK – LONDON – EVENING

“Whoa! Whoa! No! No! No!” Sherlock bellowed as trees emerged as if from nowhere, forcing him to duck and weave the end result sending him spinning out of control twisting and turning like a whirling dervish.

“You’re losing altitude Sherlock. Flap your wings faster or you’ll...”

The instructions from below went unheeded, with the inevitable result.

“Oh shit!” and then the all too familiar sound of impact as Sherlock crash landed, yet again.

Molly rushed over to assist him, but Sherlock would have none of it.

“Are you all right?” she asked, giggling in obvious amusement as she attempted to help him to his feet.

Sherlock tore his arm from her grasp with an angry snarl. “You think this is funny?”

“A little bit,” Molly admitted, while doing her best to appear contrite. Laughing at one’s pupil was bad form. But seeing the funny side of things was part of her fae nature.

That she found his predicament humorous didn’t help Sherlock’s temper, in fact it only served to enrage him further.

He stood straight and tall, towering over the diminutive woman before him. The dragon-like aspects of his personality coming to the fore, having been triggered by his increasingly foul mood.

Sherlock began circling Molly in an unmistakably predatory fashion, becoming more bestial as he worked himself into a rage, growling and snarling and baring his teeth, his tail flicking and snapping like a whip as his agitation grew. His crest of horns stood to attention, while his eyes glowed hot, going from golden to red with only the barest hint of his original blue/green colour remaining.

Standing with his wings spread wide, his chest heaving as his breathing sped up, causing a hissing sound to emerge as smoke poured from his nostrils. This was followed by the telltale glow of ignited flame, coursing through his veins, moving with lightening speed from his abdomen, over his chest and up his throat, giving fair warning that it was about to emerge from his mouth.

It was a truly terrifying spectacle, but all Molly could think was how magnificent he appeared in all his serpentine glory. It was an astounding transformation.

But she knew she needed to remain professional. “You need to learn control,” she instructed sternly.

Molly felt the full blast of his heated breath as he turned his frustration on her. “Well you could help by giving a demonstration. But wait, oh no you can’t can you, you no longer possess wings!” Sherlock pointed out petulantly, his tone sarcastic.

Molly’s response was immediate, and totally unexpected. The first Sherlock knew of it was the sharp, stinging sensation when the palm of her hand connected with first his left cheek, then his right, and back to his left again Tears of hurt poured down her face but the hurt she felt helped to fuel her own anger. She was damned if she was going to let him take his aggression out on her. And time was of the essence.

Taken aback Sherlock reared back in shock, surprised by both her vehemence, and her spunk.

“You need to focus Sherlock,” Molly instructed bringing them back to the task at hand.

“I was,” he interrupted, a pout forming on his cupids bow lips. “I was calculating all the permutations and variables of atmospheric pressure, and...”

“And that’s your problem right there,” Molly interjected, as she reached up to lay her hand against his chest. “Flying is intuitive. It comes from the heart not the head. Constantly thinking about what may happen due to external factors only distracts from the innate ability that will guide you if you freely give yourself over to its care.”

“That’s fine for you,” Sherlock huffed dejectedly. “You were born able to fly. I wasn’t.”

Molly didn’t take offence, she sympathised with him. As things stood, both were learning to deal with things that were completely out of their control.

“But you have that ability now. You just have to learn to trust it,” she said in an encouraging tone.

Sherlock still didn’t look convinced.

“If you can’t trust it, will you at least trust me?” Molly asked.

Sherlock considered her request for a moment or two before nodding his agreement.

The smile that lit up her face, coupled with the feel of her hand still resting on his chest caused a particular sensation in the region where the heart he always claimed he didn’t possess resided.

***

Chapter 4: The Professor of Baskerville Hall

***

GRIMPEN VILLAGE – DARTMOOR

It was a dark and stormy night. Not that unusual in this part of the country at this time of year. And yet, the residents in the small village were wary and on edge. All doors and windows were bolted firmly, and no-one dared step out of doors after nightfall.

Not since Baskerville Hall had become occupied once more.

***

BASKERVILLE HALL

The house glimmered like a ghost at the end of the avenue. The centre was a heavy block of building from which a porch projected. The whole front was draped in ivy, with a patch clipped here and there where a window or a coat of arms broke through the dark veil. From this central block rose the twin towers, ancient battlements, pierced with many loopholes. To right and left of the turrets were more modern wings of black granite. A dull light shone through heavy mullioned windows, and from the high chimneys which rose from the steep, high-angled roof there sprang a single black column of smoke.

**

James Moriarty, failed professor of mathematics and inept criminal mastermind was in desperate need of a change in fortune. Regarded with disdain in his first choice of career, and as a joke in his second, he was determined to excel at something so devious and unorthodox that it would send shivers up and down the spines of those that had taken great delight in mocking him.

And then one day opportunity fell into his lap as he read an article about the fearsome history of the abandoned manor of Baskerville Hall. The article ended with...

‘There are certain things here which are impossible to reconcile to the settled order of nature. Tis a worthy setting if the Devil did decide to dabble in the affairs of man, where the powers of evil are exulted.’

“It is indeed...” Moriarty murmured to himself, his black eyes sparkling with an unholy glee as the beginnings of a devastatingly diabolical plan began to take shape in his evilly twisted mind.

*

Several weeks later in the company of his faithful companion and fallen peer of the realm, Sebastian Moran, and armed with the knowledge they had acquired on the occult they set off for the infamous Hall of the doomed Baskervilles.

Along the way they picked up a stray waif, in the form of former chemist, now drug addict Billy Wiggins.

**

GRIMPEN VILLAGE

Moriarty’s presence was immediately felt, even though he rarely made an appearance in person in the village.

On the few occasions when he did, those he interacted with were left feeling queasy in the pit of their stomachs, and troubled and uneasy in their minds without quite comprehending why. When pressed all they could say was that it had something to do with the unnerving way he had looked at them.

For the most part it was Billy they dealt with, as he was despatched on any number of errands, while Moriarty and Moran set about putting their plan into action.

And once they had the villagers cherished feelings of security vanished forever.

***

BASKERVILLE HALL

The gates were a maze of wrought iron, with weather bitten pillars on either side, blotched with lichens, and surrounded by boars’ heads of the Baskervilles.

Strong they may have been, but they were of little deterrent to anyone game enough to scale them. But no one from the village was fool enough to try.

In reality there was little need for the gates at all, not since Moriarty had used the information he had gathered on the occult. He used it to call upon the Devil himself, willingly exchanging his soul and that of his co-conspirator Moran for the ability to perform the darkest of dark magic.

The Devil granted the former Professor his request, before offering him the use of his most trusted sentinels...

*

Gigantic black hyena-shaped monstrously brutish beasts born in the bowels of Hell itself now patrolled the grounds of Baskerville Hall.

Their fur glowed red in the dead of night, as did their fiercely burning eyes. They possessed powerful shoulders and legs, which allowed them to move with the speed and unpredictability of lightening. Their equally powerful jaws capable of crushing bone like they were made of sticks of celery. Smoke poured from their nostrils, while their slavering mouths released a lava-like substance capable of inflicting third degree burns should it make contact with human or animal flesh.

All this unnatural activity had caught Molly’s attention. Her curiosity to learn what was going on drawing her closer than she should ever have come. Too late she realised her mistake when her presence was detected, and she was caught.

Moriarty had just been on the verge of beginning some new experiments when the fairy was brought before him. And it was then that inspiration struck. Instead of using the hapless Billy as the guinea pig, Molly would make a more suitable candidate.

Using the dark powers the Devil had given him, Moriarty stripped the fairy of her fae magic, and destroyed her wings. Once finished he mercilessly threw her outside, where the hounds soon caught a whiff of her scent. In her weakened state she didn’t stand a chance.

It was entirely thanks to the swift and timely actions of Billy Wiggins that she was able to get away safely.

*

It had been several weeks since that incident, and Billy was still alive, and reasonably unharmed, but it came at a terrible cost.

Moriarty had been initially furious, and Billy was certain he was about to meet his maker, when without warning he was ordered to go to the main road and bring back any tramps or gypsies he encountered along the way.

Knowing his own life was on the line he had reluctantly done as he had been instructed. And he had continued to do so whenever the Professor needed his next batch of unwitting lab rats.

Tonight however he had been told to go to the Grimpen Mire to collect an assortment of mosses and the like.

As he approached the dreaded mire he turned on his torch. Everywhere he looked was bleak and uninviting, and incredibly dangerous. Many an unlucky Moor pony had been sucked under due to a misjudged step.

Making his way into the murky depths Billy wondered, not for the first time, if this nightmare was ever going to come to an end.

***

Chapter 5: On a Wing and a Prayer

***

HYDE PARK – LONDON – EARLY MORNING

After a shaky start Sherlock, having put his faith, not to mention his life into Molly’s capable hands, mastered the basic tenets of flying. To his relief his wings indeed knew what they had to do, seeking out the air currents and using them to soar high above the clouds, before swooping low enabling Sherlock to appreciate the incredible view all around him. And as his confidence grew, his wings began to feel more a part of him.

Molly was impressed by how proficient and adept he had become in such a short period of time. She was also relived. With that invaluable skill mastered meant they could get to their destination much faster.

And time was of the essence. To that end she needed to bring the dragonised detective back down to earth.

“Sherlock!” she called up to him. “We need to get moving.”

Sherlock swooped down once more, making a perfect landing. By the time he made his way over to Molly, he had his wings securely tucked away.

“So where exactly are we headed?” he asked, eager for the opportunity to really stretch his wings.

“Dartmoor,” Molly responded.

***

EN ROUTE TO DARTMOOR

Molly sat astride Sherlock as he ploughed through the clouds, the rhythmic beat of his wings reminiscent of a hurricane.

Her emotions at that moment were of extremes. She felt exhilarated being high off the ground in the fresh air, the feel of it caressing her skin, rekindling treasured memories. But those memories left her feeling heartbroken for what had been so cruelly stolen from her.

Perhaps sensing the turmoil of emotions, Sherlock chose that moment to intrude upon her thoughts to enquire. “Don’t you think now would be a good time to explain what happened to you?” he asked as gently as he could.

“I allowed my curiosity to get the better of me and paid the price,” came her bitter reply.

“Explain,” the Consulting Detective was on the case.

“I became aware of some unusual, and by unusual I mean supernatural, goings on at an old abandoned manor house,” Molly explained. “But when I went in for a closer look I was captured.”

“Who by?”

“I don’t know their names, but there were two men. One of whom was referred to as Professor.”

“What happened next?”

A sob escaped as Molly replied. “They performed various experiments on me.”

“What type of experiments?” the question was direct, and may have been regarded by some as cruel, but Sherlock needed data.

“In the use of dark spells and curses,” Molly said. “But it was clear they were armatures, they weren’t well acquainted with how magic works. So it took a number of attempts before they achieved their ultimate goal.”

Sherlock felt anger rising through him for what had been done to the fairy. He was no more the expert in magic than those she had been unfortunate enough to encounter. But he knew torture when he heard it. “How did you escape?”

“With the aid of a poor soul they treated more like a slave than a servant. If it wasn’t for him I dread to think what would have become of me.” Molly shuddered at the very thought of the terrible experience she had been forced to endure.

“So why come to me?” Sherlock asked genuinely curious. What Molly had told him thus far was well out of his realm of expertise. And then a worrying possibility crossed his mind. “Do you think my transformation is linked to one of their wayward curses?”

Molly gave his question some serious thought. He was right to ask why an ordinary, human investigator, even one with his reputation could help her in this matter.

Had the professor of Baskerville Hall been the conduit of Sherlock’s mysterious transformation? Or had her need for someone quite extraordinary been the cause? Or was it something else completely?

In the end all she could offer him was, “To be honest Sherlock, I really don’t know. But maybe we’ll find a more definitive answer once we get there.”

***

[bnha-hcs]

Soul Bond - Chapter 4

I’M FINISHED WITH FINALS YEAAAAAH now I can write and draw for at least a month before classes start back up... BUT I’M GONNA WRITE BC I’VE BEEN SO CREATIVELY STARVED UGH. Here’s chapter 4 to Soul Bond I’ll probably be writing some Jojo stuff later because I’m trying to update all of my series. Emphasis on try. My goal is to finally get part 2 to Winning Your Heart and another chapter for the Death Before Decaf before I die alsdjak. I might open commissions again but we will see 

- Tiki 

You didn’t have much time to respond to what Katsuki had just let fly into the void like that. The sharp intake of breath from yourself didn’t you serve you much as you tried to say something about how it was extremely unnecessary to just shout things like that as you stopped to watch as the knight’s face contorted to such pure undenied rage that you thought the poor guy was literally going to explode. I mean, he was out here probably guarding the world eater of all things… his pride out here probably was already a little… damaged if you will. Katsuki’s words probably did him in if you were being honest.

The knight and his crew stopped a little beyond the base of rocks that you were on, and by the looks of it, you could see that he probably had a LOT to say to you which was great.... Thanks for that again Katsuki. You were about to try and buckle down to get through whatever rant this knight was going to spill on you, but in the distance, closer to the world eater, you could see two men. How they got past these idiots in front of you, you had no idea but it looked like there were trying to take on the world eater themselves… Or not, you couldn’t really tell from this distance anyways. But it wasn’t until you heard a throat clearing so obnoxiously loud that you remembered your situation that you looked back to the knight. Well… Great.

“Are you even listening to me???” The knight asks, obviously more offended by the fact that you didn’t hear a single word of his rant. You sighed.

“Obviously not!” Katsuki said for you. He was right, though so you sat tight as Ochako approached from behind you, now finding herself into the situation unfolding in front of all of you.

“Jeez, are you in trouble with authorities already?” She asked poking her head from around you.

“I wouldn’t really call them-”

“Enough!! State your business here immediately and we’ll remove you by force!!” The knight yelled.

“Don’t you mean OR you’ll remove us by force??” Ochako asked, squinting at the man. You heard Katsuki snort.

“This guy is just full of beans huh…”

“Well we’re here to attack the world…!!! Thingy…!” Ochako said, losing a bit of her enthusiasm halfway as she realized that 1. She didn’t know the name of the thing they’re fighting and 2. That it sounds completely ridiculous. The knight looked at her like she’s the stupid one. (Spoiler she’s not.)

“That’s just… Stupid.” The knight says, very bitterly. You wonder how he thinks it’s any less stupid that he’s guarding quite literally the one thing that could kill him very easily.

“How rude!! We’re just-”

“I don’t have time for this lunacy!!” He yells, obviously thinking that all of you are out of your damn minds. “You all, get rid of them!!”

The soldiers who were on standby this whole time quickly started to make their way towards you like they were waiting for their chance to jump in. You were quick to jump out of the way but one managed to grab Ochako by the arm. She was quick to fend them off however and ran off after you and towards the path in between the rocks. Your strategy was to let them funnel their way towards the two, or three I guess, of you. And so you watched as Ochako found her place behind you and wait, the soldiers not being too far behind her.

“Keep your dirty hands off of me!!” You heard her yell, slicing into the shoulder of another one of the soldiers trying to advance.

You found yourself surrounded by four other soldiers and although they outnumbered you they looked even weaker than those bandits in the forest not too long ago. Maybe being out in the sun all day and having to deal with such an annoying commanding knight took a lot out of a guy, but if this was what the army was like around these parts you were sure getting past these guys was easy for most people. Your point was proven as one of the soldiers swung at you with a short sword, making an easy block and parry with your much longer blade. It took maybe one solid hit before he was on his ass and out cold.

The other soldiers seemed to pale when they realized that you were much stronger than they thought you were and you didn’t have too much trouble getting rid of them. They were dispatched and knocked out cold on the craggy field area as you started to loot them. Just as soon as you were done reaping your spoils, you heard Ochako from not too long a ways down finishing off a few of her own opponents.

“I guess I got to see how rusty I was with these guys huh.” You heard Katsuki say cockily as you started to walk over to Ochako.

“I thought you got to do that during the last fight?” You said unsure, sighing as you debated drinking another stamina potion before facing that annoying knight down the path.

“Yeah sure but now I’m really starting to be able to stretch my legs in this body.”

“I don’t know if I like that.”

“Sure you do!”

You were halfway through a groan when Ochako came up to you, seeing you unharmed and nary a scratch on you. The two of you nodded before you made your way down the path to where the knight was waiting. Upon seeing you he got on guard, and seemed a little angry by the fact that the two of you already bested his men. And to be honest you felt a little bad for him. Being stuck here with a bunch of shitty men who don’t know how to fight in the middle of a barren area with literally nothing to do. But at the same time he was really arrogant for someone who just got all of his men decimated by a Sepp and a possessed person.

It wasn’t too long before he lunged at you, obviously much faster and more experienced than his own men as he landed a blow on you. It wasn’t that good because you responded in kind, hitting him right back but much harder. Katsuki must’ve been able to tell that you were a little mad he got a hit on you because the power pulsing through your sword got stronger as the ringing in your ears got louder.

Ochako managed to land a hit on him not too long after you did, and hey, it was two on one so good for him for being able to hold out against you for so long. BUt he was still going to lose. And so with renewed vigor, you slugged the dude head on with a full body slash, knocking him off of his feet and into the dust. He scrambled for purchase on the ground as he made a hasty retreat.

“Impossible!! There’s no way such rabble them could….” He gasps trying to get away with some semblance of pride. “I’ll tell my commander of this!! Men, retreat!!”

You watched as he made his escape and weren’t too sure if he understood that his men were all knocked out but part of you knew that he probably didn’t care. Ochako was happily besides herself as she watched him go. And now that all that was over the three of you could get down to business and get after that world eater. You turned towards the direction that the path lead you to, contemplating if this fight was going to be that easy. A big part of you said of course the hell not because it’s a goddamn world eater and it literally eats worlds!! But it’s what you had to do so…

“Ha!! What a bunch of wusses!!” Ochako laughed happily, pumping a fist in the air.

“Yeah yeah, but you only won thanks to me here so…” Katsuki interjected. “Our real fight begins now though. Are you ready, Soul Mate?”

With a huff you cringed at the way Katsuki called you Soul Mate. You weren’t really sure if you liked it at all but you certainly didn’t like the way he said it. It sounded too… violating if you will. Like, you already had to deal with him being inside your body but the least he could do was not make such weird comments. You would prefer not to have to think about sharing your body with a master of death. In fact, you’d like to forget it sometimes.

“Anyways let’s just go kill this world thingy!!” Ochako declared, leading the way down the path.

“World EATER! Gods how can you forget something so important!?” Katsuki barked.

And so the three of you made your way down the path, taking note as any sort of life started to disappear around you. The grass was gone, and it was nothing but cracking sandstone and wind as you slowly got closer and closer to the world eater. You didn’t like the feeling that the rumbling ground made while you walked through the sand and sandstone, and how the air felt like it was thick with a static, an energy that you couldn’t understand. Katsuki was oddly quiet for someone who was supposed to know a lot more about this thing than you or Ochako.

As the three of you finally came into range, you could tell that Ochako wasn’t too sure about herself anymore either. She turned to you as it loomed not too far off. The thing looked absolutely massive. The main body was like a woman with a large dress but was discolored in a mixture of gray and bright magenta, mixing into glowing highlights of blue and yellow. Giant winglike structures grew out of the back and horns grew out from the beautiful woman’s face. Two large arm structures floated out in front of it, holding two giant golden swords all the while four more loomed ominously around the main body. Hmmm... you weren’t too sure if you liked to idea of fighting anymore.

“Hey now that we’re closer… It kinda looks tough…” Ochako said quietly, her will to fight also wavering.

“Of course it’s fucking tough! It used to serve none other than yours truly!” Katsuki said rather matter of factly. You heard Ochako groan. “Of course I could beat its ass in no time.

“Okay then go.” You said flatly.

“Then give me your fucking body!”

“No.”

“Ugh!!” Katsuki groaned disgustedly. “Whatever, we can’t do much talking now because here it comes!!”

“Wait is it those guys from before??”

You looked over quickly to see the two mysterious men from before with the knights. And with all horror you watch as the world eater slowly shifts to face them, charge up attack from the core of its belly, and then shoot it at the men. The sound echoed in your ears and cracks raced out of the earth around the beast. The light was so bright that you couldn't see, and you covered your eyes and waited for the attack to be over. When the blinding light subsided, the men were gone and the world eater slowly started to face back to the three of you…

“That thing is terrifying!!” Ochako shrieks, you nod solemnly in agreement.

“Yeah, and it wasn’t even aiming at us. It saw the actual strong people and went after them first.” Katsuki spat. “A hell of a lot stronger than you guys.”

You hear Katsuki whisper to you in your mind, “A shit ton stronger than you considering you can't even use my power right. You can pray that maybe you can be able to unlock even a sliver of my unlimited godliness.”

With a groan you rolled your eyes and tightened the grip on your sword. You hated that he’s at least kinda right. You don’t have any clue as to how to use this power you have, and nothing from your training ever prepared for you to be possessed by the master of death or even how to use his power for yourself! How were you even supposed to know anyways?

And then again with much hesitance you made your way closer to the world eater, and before you knew it, it’s going to engage you. You prepared for the worst as you practically stared death in the face, every hair on your body standing on end as every instinct you have was telling you to fucking run. You don’t and blindly walk forward. Right before it charges its attack you hear an oddly familiar voice.

“Leshura…” It says.

You watch as the golden rays charge up from beside it, and soon enough its floating arms fly out at you and Ochako, slicing you with one golden sword before the other one comes down and like a pair of scissors, slices you completely in half.

And just like that, you’re pretty dead yeah? Everything’s black, and your consciousness floats in an endless void. You aren’t sure where you are but it feels familiar. It’s then you realize… You’re there and then you look up and see him.

“Hey kid.”

[dictionarywrites]

      Know Your Jeffs: A Guide To Goldblum’s Characters

This isn’t an exhaustive list, and I will be updating it as I watch more Goldblum movies, adding in the characters as I pick them up! Everything is below the cut so that I can just update as I take more stuff in. 

The descriptions of movies and characters are very much not impartial, but they should give you an idea of what you’re in for if you want to look the film up. I’m only including stuff I’ve already seen, plus Raines, which I feel like I’m never gonna be able to get hold of, and am heartbroken about.

Movies are listed in CHRONOLOGICAL order, but if you CTRL+F, you can search for a particular character name, date, or movie/TV title. This is very much under construction. There are currently 40 Jeffs on the list. 

1978 - Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers, dir. Philip Kaufman - IMDb

Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers is a film about a kind of alien who comes to Earth and steals people’s bodies - effectively, they make up their own pod-versions of them, and then turn the original to dust.

Jack Bellicec is a poet in New York City, who owns a bathhouse with his wife, Nancy. This film is a sci-fi horror, and Jack is earnest but antsy throughout - he’s a real cutie, and every much a good guy. He’s just the sweetest, and is generally in a state of complete and utter terror, whilst still trying to keep grounded and keep thinking forward.

1980 - The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow, dir. Henning Schellerup, IMDb

Okay, so, for a stupid TV movie from the 80s, this is actually really cute It loosely follows the plot of the short story, but generally with a happier ending and a lot more fun antics from Ichabod Crane, and it’s just great fun. A schoolteacher comes to the valley of Sleepy Hollow, and finds himself facing down the silly ghost stories continuously thrown forward by the locals.

Ichabod Crane is the cutest - he’s soft and sweet with the children, like he is in the short story, on top of being lanky and clumsy and a little stupid; he lacks a lot of his arrogance that he has in the short story, and instead he’s much less of a dick when he criticizes the ghost stories and stuff. He’s lovely, I adore him. 

1980 - Tenspeed and Brownshoe, TV Series - IMDb

Tenspeed and Brownshoe is a delight - it’s a detective TV series with a very light-hearted tone, and it’s very comfortable to just settle back and watch casually. 

Lionel Whitney is... a trip. A chartered accountant turned gumshoe, Lionel starts his own detective agency in L.A. after breaking up with his fiancée and meeting the charming (and duplicitous) E.L. Turner, a conman and scam artist. E.L. is his partner in the business, and the two combine strengths - Lionel with his idolisation of and knowledge of the 40s pulp fictional detective, Mark Savage, as well as his black belt in karate; E.L. with his thousands of accumulated skills, including being a master of disguise, a smooth-talker, and a winner at sleight of hand. 

Lionel is a dote: he’s just the sweetest, and he really gives off Bertie Wooster vibes, but with an air of genuine competence Mr Wooster never had. He’s truly incredible, and all the episodes of Tenspeed and Brownshoe are up on YouTube, so it’s really worth watching!

1981 - Threshold, dir. Richard Pearce - IMDb

Okay, so Threshold... Big old snooze fest. Not a very engaging movie, not an especially good movie - I forgot a good deal of the movie after I finished watching it. It was uninspiring and a bit bland. The concept is basically that a pioneer in mechanical science re: bio-engineering comes up with a heart valve to replace a little girl’s heart - the pioneer being Jeff Goldblum’s character - and a doctor puts it in the little girl, but it’s a very unpopular decision, because it’s not organic. Obviously, in the 80s, that was a much bigger deal than it is now. 

Aldo Gehring is just... Adorable. Too earnest, a little bit arrogant, and he’s just far too baby-faced for the age he’s textually said to be to be believable, but like... You know! It’s a dull movie either way, and Aldo isn’t a huge part of it. 

1983 - The Big Chill, dir. Lawrence Kasdan - IMDb

The Big Chill is a film about a group of college friends that meet up for the first time in like, a decade after one of their closest friends commits suicide. They all come for the funeral, and spend a few days together in the aftermath.

A lot of people seem to dislike Michael Gold, but like, he’s kind of one of the most tragic of the figures in the movie - a lot of their friends don’t remember him initially, and he really isn’t good at doing anything other than compartmentalising and shoving down his emotions. He’s brittle and a little sharp, and maybe a bit too honest for his own good, but I really love him, and I totally rec him if you can handle the subject matter, which is obviously very grim and very sad.

1984 - The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, dir. W.D. Richter - IMDb

Buckaroo Banzai is a guy who’s basically, like, any eight-year-old’s Mary Sue - he’s a cowboy, a neurosurgeon, an expert test pilot, a rockstar, etc... And they play it completely straight. Leading his band of hypercompetent pretty boys, The Hong-Kong Cavaliers, he saves the world, if not the universe, on the regular. 

Doctor Sidney Zweibel, a.k.a. New Jersey, is a new addition to the team in The Adventures, and he’s a neurosurgeon who went to med school with Buckaroo. He’s a would-be cowboy, complete with boots, hat and chaps, and he’s just the cutest thing in the world, a sweet and pure boy. 10/10 Goldblums for Sid Zweibel.

1985 - Silverado, dir. Lawrence Kasdan - IMDb

Mmm, Silverado is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it has little to no plot. Even for a Western, I found it incredibly dry and disjointed, and I can’t in good fatih recommend it to anybody, even though John Cleese is inexplicably a sheriff midway through.

However. Slick (whose actual name is Calvin Stanhope) is really fucking hot, and so you should watch his scenes on YouTube, even if you don’t watch the movie (which you shouldn’t). Slick’s screentime tocks up to around 15-20 minutes, out of a movie that’s genuinely like, two and a half hours long.

Slick is like, a casino man with a knife in his boot; he wears furs; he’s terrible. He’s so great, I adore him. 

1985 - Into The Night, dir. John Landis - IMDb

Into The Night is... a little hard to describe. It’s like, a crime thriller movie with Jeff Goldblum and Michelle Pfeiffer, and with a cameo from David Bowie, as well as about 700 other Hollywood lads who Landis knew. I think the plot is... loose, and the film itself isn’t the greatest, but the main characters are pretty great.

Ed Okin is an astrophysicist dissatisfied with his job and his life in general, who abruptly becomes plagued by this inescapable insomnia, and subsequently becomes embroiled in this whole crime plot across from Pfeiffer. I really love Ed - because of the insomnia, he tends to underreact to most of the situations around him, and he’s very likable.

1985 - Transylvania 6-5000, dir. Ruby de Luca - IMDb

Is TR 6-5000 a good movie? No, absolutely not. But should you watch it? Oh, yes. 

This is like, a comedy/absurdist horror/pastiche, lots... It’s lots of stuff. Basically, these two reporters who do a Weekly World News style thing go to Transylvania to report on Frankenstein, and also meet some Igors, a werewolf, a vampire, etc.

Jack Harrison is such a great character - he’s pretty much eternally looking after his hapless partner, Gil, but both of them are as ridiculous as the other, each of them stumbling into bizarre situations. Definitely don’t take the movie too seriously, but it really is a fun thing, and it’s certainly worth watching for the goofy trip it is. Jack is a real sweetheart, and he’s so lovable - Gil certainly thinks so. ;)

1986 - The Fly, dir. David Cronenburg - IMDb

So, fair warning, I nearly vomited like, several times watching The Fly, and was on the verge of just turning it off a few times. It’s nearly forty years old, but the body horror of the effects really stands up, and it’s very gory toward the end.  Despite its well-earned rep as such a gory film, though, The Fly is actually a heartbreaking tragedy, so definitely don’t expect it to be lacking in the feels department if you can stomach it.

Seth Brundle (yeah, poor guy, what a name) is a really impressive engineer and scientist, and he invents a machine that should enable him to teleport objects from one electronic pod to another. Unfortunately, when teleporting himself, he becomes melded with an intruder to the pod - a fly - and begins a horrifying transition into something other than human.

Seth at the start is... He’s a genius, but he’s naive, arrogant, and a little too trusting in how earnest he is. As time goes on, and he begins the change into Brundlefly, he becomes much more erratic, and his personality changes a lot. I totally rec Seth, honestly. 

1988 - Vibes, dir. Ken Kwapis - IMDB

Vibes is a fucking trip. It’s a movie about two psychics - Jeff Goldblum’s character, Nick Deezy, who can tell the history of an object by touching it, and Cyndi Lauper’s character, Sylvia Pickel, who is a medium. Yes, you read that right. Cyndi Lauper. It’s incredible.

Vibes is actually a much better movie than I expected - it’s a genuinely funny comedy, it’s ridiculous and cartoonish and stupid, but it’s fun. Cyndi Lauper and Goldblum have a tango scene at one point, and the height differential is so extreme that she’s literally wrapped around his waist and he’s just carrying her around.

Nick Deezy himself is a really interesting character - he’s kinda used to being used and pushed around because of his psychic powers, but he’s a guy with such a lot of courage and genuine empathy for others, and I just think he’s so sweet. 

1988 - Earth Girls Are Easy,  dir. Julien Temple - IMDb

So... Earth Girls Are Easy is in the same vein as Vibes for me - it’s a fun romp, and so long as you don’t take it too seriously, it’s a really enjoyable movie. It’s about these three furry aliens that drop down to Earth, and are trying to pick up the language and have a good time. It’s good banter, and it’s also a musical, because-- It was 1988, okay? 

Mac is like, probably one of the most genuinely sweet characters out of the ones on this list - he’s very caring, and he’s doing his best to do good whilst not really being able to navigate the world around him very easily. He’s wonderful, and I can’t rec Earth Girls enough.

He’s also a big, furry, blue guy in his underwear for the first part of the movie, if that helps.

1989 - The Tall Guy, dir. Mel Smith - IMDb

So, disclaimer. This film is written by Richard Curtis, so like... It’s snappy, it’s clever, but it’s also a little insufferable and kinda misogynistic the whole way through, with the classic Curtis obsession with infidelity, where characters cheat on one another whether it makes sense or not.

That aside, I really enjoyed the first two acts of this movie, and while the third one falls very flat, I still think it’s worth watching. Goldblum’s character, Dexter King, plays the straight man in Rowan Atkinson’s comedy sketch act, but goes on to have a romantic relationship with Emma Thompson, and those links are just... So cute.

I think Dexter is kind of a dick, but by no means does that make him unlikable, and I’d still rec The Tall Guy! I’m not sure how long Goldblum was in the UK for - there’s a nude sex scene with Goldblum and Thompson, and I was really thrown, because he’s super pale in this film, compared to similar nude scenes in like, The Fly. So there’s your fun tidbit for the day lmao.

1990 - Mister Frost, dir. Philippe Setbon - IMDb

This film is... Odd. As a thriller, it’s fine - you know, it’s average. It isn’t so terrible, but it’s not great either. But as like, a film, there are aspects where it’s just inexplicably terrible - some of the lines are dubbed over, for some reason, and the sound quality is so off in random moments; there are odd moments where the camera is just too close to the actors’ faces, even for a close-up; technically, this film just has some bizarre and glaring... errors.

The plot is interesting, though, and I did enjoy it for that aspect - Mister Frost is a serial killer institutionalized in an attempt to cure him of his murderous tendencies, and he then professes to be Lucifer himself. 

Mister Frost is a funny guy. He’s snide, clever, self-obsessed and sharp - I really liked him, and I totally think he’s worth a watch.

1992 - Fathers & Sons, dir. Paul Mones - IMDb

[icon to be added if I can ever get a decent fucking picture or screencap or something of this film]

This film was bad. I didn’t care for it. Fathers & Sons is, however, like... Very human, I guess. Max, Goldblum’s character, runs a bookstore on the coast and is having trouble communicating with his son, Ed; there’s a lot of tension between them based off the death of Ed’s mother and Max’s own character flaws, as well as Max’s temper. There’s fucking voiceover in the film, which is used clumsily and just comes across as terrible, but there aren’t any glaring technical issues throughout like there are with Mister Frost.

Max himself is not, in my opinion, a very likable character? He’s certainly relatively sympathetic, and you can see where he’s coming from, but he’s got a terrible temper and the tension with Ed is very much his own doing in a lot of respects - despite my personal dislikes, however, Goldblum is as ever a marvel, and you really do feel that Max is a whole, complete person.

1992 - Shooting Elizabeth, dr. Baz Taylor - IMDb

This film was a fucking trip and a half. The premise is that this guy, Howard, really hates his wife, and decides he hates her so much that he’s gonna kill her, but when she goes missing, he is arrested for her murder even though he never got around to it. It’s a generically confused movie which neither really meets its labelled genres of comedy or thriller, but wouldn’t do well under drama or romance either. It’s odd.

Howard Pigeon, as a character, is deeply unstable. A lot of the moments in the movie that I think are meant to be comedic just end up being tragic, because you can see how upset he is, how freaked out he is, and how disconnected from reality and rational thought he is. He’s also just... A really fucking bad person, but to be honest, so is his wife, so like... Hey. It is what it is, I guess. 

1992 - Deep Cover, dir. Bill Duke - IMDb

Deep Cover is fucking incredible. It’s easily one of my favourite movies now, and I just die over it, to be honest. Playing across from Laurence Fishburne (then billed as Larry), David Jason (Elias in the script, and I don’t know why they changed it, maybe to make his name less blatantly Jewish, but I assume none of them had ever heard of Only Fools and Horses) is a low-down cocaine mogul trying to break out on his own from the local boss. 

He’s a fascinating character, and I just adore him - the film itself is a very gritty noir that really considers lines of racial intersection and prejudice within both the police force and the drug trade, and David himself is constantly suffering from antisemitism and a lot of very targeted homophobic remarks, and it’s heavily implied he wants to fuck John, Laurence Fishburne’s character. David is erratic, sharp, and extremely brittle with a very short temper: he and John kinda balance each other out, because John’s a much cooler, calmer guy, and I just love their dynamic.

David’s my son. I love him. I will cry over him forever. 

1993 - Jurassic Park, dir. Steven Spielberg - IMDB        ↪1997 - Jurassic Park: The Lost World, dir. Steven Spielberg - IMDb        ↪2018 - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, dir. J.A. Bayona - IMDb

So, like, I’m sure you know the basic concept of Jurassic Park. A crazed Walt Disney parody in white linen with seemingly unlimited money decides to clone a bunch of fucking dinosaurs and put them into a theme park, and it goes horribly wrong. These films are genuinely great sci-fi, raising some wonderful philosophical questions about ownership, ethics, and our place in the universe, and the voice of that philosophy usually belongs to Doctor Ian Malcolm, a mathematician who specialises in chaos theory.

Ian Malcolm... I just adore him, I really do. You know, I’ve read the book of course, as well as the seen all the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World movies, and Ian is just a delight - he’s bright, he’s sarcastic, but he’s genuinely full of feeling and so eager to talk to other people, to connect with them, etc. I just find him fascinating, and even if sci-fi isn’t your thing, you’ll love Jurassic Park for him alone.

He reprises his role in the latest Jurassic World movie - I can’t, in all good conscience, really recommend the Jurassic World movies, but... He is a silver fox. 

1995 - Hideaway, dir. Brett Leonard - IMDb

Hideaway is a supernatural thriller based around the concept of demonic possession, and an antiques dealer - Hatch Harrison - finds he has visions of a local serial killer after being revived from being dead for several minutes. Using those visions to thwart the killer, he and his family realise the cause is supernatural. 

Hatch is a really cool dude, and I like him a lot - he’s got the strongest dad energies, and he’s so, so caring. Even grieving and tense, like, he’s just doing his best, and he’s such a good guy, I really adore him. 

1995 - Nine Months, dir. Chris Columbus - IMDb

Nine Months is a terrible movie thick with a deeply unsettling ideology re: the whole “everybody really wants kids and must have them”, and I honestly despised it throughout. It’s just a terrible movie, and Columbus always ranges from “this guy is a vaguely bad director” to “this guy is a fucking twat”, and there is nothing vague about the badness of this movie.

That aside, however, Goldblum’s character is kind of a delight. Sean Fletcher is a painter (of paintings, not houses) and like... Layabout? He’s a little erratic, he changes his mind about stuff constantly, but he’s a really sound guy, and he cares a lot about Hugh Grant’s character, who is the protagonist. He’s really fun in a movie that’s just garbage the way through. 

1995 - Powder, dir. Victor Salva - IMDb

Powder is a very sad movie, to be honest. It’s about this lad who’s like, an albino with telekinetic powers, and when his parents die, he ends up having to go into the public school system, where he’s bullied an awful lot. It’s extremely brutal about a lot of the bullying stuff, and it does come across very accurately; just as a general warning, there’s... an uncomfortable tone to it, although nothing directly or graphically terrible, especially re: sexuality, which I noticed even before looked Salva up and realised he was that paedophile that did Jeepers Creepers. It’s just something to be aware of.

Jeff’s character is... a delight, however. Donald Ripley is a high school teacher who’s genuinely really passionate about teaching, has no small amount of sympathy for all of his students, and is just-- He’s really sweet, and I love him. Despite the uncomfortable gaze of the film, he retains a paternal air, and I love it.  

1996 - Independence Day, dir. Roland Emmerich - IMDb          ↪2016 - Independence Day: Resurgence, dir. Roland Emmerich - IMDb

Independence Day, honestly, I expected to be like, bad sci-fi dreck, and it genuinely isn’t. While I think the premise is inherently stupid (the whole evil aliens invade thing), it’s actually executed so well, and I just love it as a flick - Judaism saves the day in many aspects, and it’s so nice to have that positive thing mixed up in it.

David Levinson is such a sweet guy - he’s arrogant and a little bit of an ass, but like, he’s so caring: he constantly worries about his dad, he’s so loyal to his ex-wife without being creepy or weird about it after like, three years; he fucking recycles and uses his bike to get around the city... Like, he’s an underachiever initially, but he’s a genuinely nice guy despite his abrasive personality at times, you know?

I just love him.  

And he reprises the role in the new movie, which isn’t as good as the first one, but is still worth a watch for Julius Levinson’s antics, picking up grandchildren as he drives across America. 

1998 - Holy Man, dir. Stephen Herek - IMDb

My full review of Holy Man is here.

Holy Man is not a good film. It’s about an exec who runs a TV shopping channel, but is like, really shit at it, and he ends up getting G., a homeless guru played by Eddie Murphy, to sell stuff for him. Nonsensical and odd although the film is, it’s actually surprisingly sweet and wholesome, and I really enjoyed a lot of the humour. 

Ricky is a pretty bad guy at the beginning, but he’s slick and fun and good-humoured - he’s mostly just selfish more than outright evil, and he actually ends up becoming a lot less selfish toward the end of the film. He’s a sweetheart, in some respects. 

2001 - Cats & Dogs, dir. Lawrence Guterman - IMDb

God, this movie is so bad, and so much more racist than I remembered? There’s this whole racist sequence with some ninja cats, complete with the chopsticks-style music playing in the background, and that’s... Awful. 

But Charles Brody is actually really funny, to be honest. Goldblum somehow makes him feel really human - earnest and work-obsessed, but still desperate to be a good father despite not being naturally inclined, and that’s... Honestly, I hate it when he does this. He takes the stupidest character in the stupidest movie and makes them feel like a real person, and I hate him for it.

Brody is cute. 

2002 - Igby Goes Down, dir. Burr Steers - IMDb

Igby Goes Down is... Hm. What best to call it? Insipid teenage horseshit. The whole film is just fucking terrible, honestly - it centres around the Culkin that isn’t Kevin in Home Alone, and he’s some unbearable little New York teenager who thinks the world revolves around him and is upset at the prospect that perhaps he should go to school and/or get a job. 

Anyway, Goldblum is at his least moral and most hot, he is revolting, and he is so sexy. There’s a weird thing where he’s the family friend of a family that’s pretty anti-semitic, but they play it straight, as if Jeff Goldblum’s face isn’t one of the most Jewish faces anybody’s ever seen, but that aside, he’s really sexy. Sociopathic, abruptly violent, and infrequently undressed, but it’s not worth watching the rest of the film for, to be honest. 

2003 - Spinning Boris, dir. Roger Spottiswoode - IMDb

Spinning Boris. What a film.

Here, listen, we just watched this, me and @annethecatdetective, and it was absolutely nothing that I expected,or could expect. It’s a heavily fictionalised “based on a true story” film about three Rpublicans who went to work on the Boris Yeltsin campaign in ‘96. We, apparently, are once again meant to believe Jeff Goldblum as a goyische Republican, which--

I mean, what can I tell you? He does it so well. George Gorton’s fictionalised counterpart is charismatic, charming and funny, but so is most of the movie - the Republican trio are all morons, but that actually lends to their likability in the end, and Gorton is the most lovable of the three, taking the foreground. This movie was like, actually really good.  

2004 - The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou, dir. Wes Anderson - IMDb

I hated this film, and had to fast-forward a lot of it. I’m not a fan of Anderson at all, much as Goldblum is always singing his praises - I just don’t get it, I guess. Anderson is a master of visual spectacle, but he’s one of the worst writers out there, and pithy lines don’t make up for the complete lack of character that any of his films have.

Alistair Hennessy is no exception. He’s pithy, vaguely (comedically?) sociopathic, and is kinda DTF... And that’s about it. Even Goldblum can’t really add that much depth to this guy, because there’s no depth in other characters for him to play off. 

2006 - Man of the Year, dir. Barry Levinson - IMDb

Mmm, so, Man of the Year surprised me. 

It’s definitely quite weak, when it comes to plot and writing - the jokes aren’t at their strongest; it can’t really decide whether it wants to be a comedy or a political thriller; some of the jokes and commentary are very off-colour and have not aged well; it seeks to set out a political moral without making any particular targets. Nonetheless, I rather enjoyed it - it doesn’t pretend to be a higher art than it is, and I think it’s still enjoyable. The primary drawback is probably that the premise of a comedian being elected president of the USA is much less hilariously unbelievable in the wake of the Trump campaign, and that colours my perception a little - some of the protag’s comments about immigration or women, the way he responds to other candidates in debate, Hell, even Robin Williams’ wearing of a red baseball cap at one point... All of those elements kinda take the humour out of it a bit because of the Trump election, but hey, it was 2006 - how could they possibly know?

Goldblum’s character in this, Mr Stewart, is the lawyer and primed attack dog of a corrupt company that produces the electronic voting machines responsible for Williams’ character being elected. He isn’t at his most Goldblum-esque in this, I have to say - he’s sharp, nasty, and very business-focused, but he doesn’t get that much time on screen, and his on-screen moments don’t lean very much into his usual charm and humour. Stewart is actually a very dull, run-of-the-mill evil corporate type, and he was a pretty boring character. 

2007 - Raines, TV Series - IMDb

I will write whatever you want if you can get me a download link for this, or somewhere where I can just buy the fucking series, from Ireland. I am desperate to watch it, because it looks fucking awful. Michael Raines is a detective who hallucinates that his victims help him solve the crimes.

Doesn’t that sound so bad? I need it. 

2009-2010 - Law & Order: Criminal Intent, TV Series - IMDb

So like, you know the shtick with Law & Order. It’s a gory, stupid crime procedural that’s just really stupid. This one, Criminal Intent, is about major crimes, but honestly, I have little to no idea exactly what a major crime is, even having watched the two seasons in which Zach Nichols is a marauding force. 

Zach Nichols himself is... Fascinating. So, you know how there’s this fucking trend of just, mean detective who everyone lets be mean because he’s a ~genius~ or whatever, and everyone is always like “ugh, he fucking sucks, but we gotta let him do that”? That is not the case with Zach Nichols. Zach Nichols is nothing short of a genuine sociopath, continuously manipulative, randomly and without provocation is he cruel to victims, witnesses and criminals alike. At no point does anybody call him out for being terrible, or even admitting he’s being terrible. It’s like no one registers the cruelty of his behaviour, or cares.

Honestly, I expect it’s quite accurate as to the New York police system, and in the mean time, it’s really fucking hot. He’s my favourite of all of Goldblum’s characters, and he disgusts me on literally every level. 

2010 - Morning Glory, dir. Roger Michell - IMDb

Morning Glory is... It starts out very bland and uninspiring, but it does grow on you more as it goes on. In my opinion, it would have been better if they’d just tried to bill it genuinely, as a comedy-drama, which is what it is - instead, they tried to shoehorn in a very ugly actor I forget the name of as a love interest for Rachel McAdams, I presume in desperate hope of earning that rom-com dollar. Nonetheless, it’s a cute enough concept - TV journalist gets her dream job running a news studio, and has to get bully and asshole anchor Harrison Ford to be fun and wholesome for the morning show. It’s cute, and I do think it’s worth watching despite some of the issues with it.

Jerry is like... He’s so fucking great. Jerry is just an ass. He’s rude, he’s biting, he’s constantly telling McAdams’ character to make stuff that is impossible work, and he very much eats, breathes, and sleeps his job, while packing in time to jog and to fuck an extremely stupid girl, Lisa, he put in the newsroom, who believes in shit like past lives and angels, and is literally the best character in the movie. 

Jerry and Lisa are the fucking greatest, everyone else can go home. 

According to the IMDb credits, he has a wife who is unnamed, but like... I have no memory of her even being in the movie, honestly. It’s not the greatest of cinematic works.

2010 - The Switch, dir. Josh Gordan & Will Speck - IMDb

The Switch? Bad concept. It’s about Jason Bateman’s character stealing the sperm donation that Jennifer Aniston was going to use to get pregnant, and then replacing it with his own. So like, off the bat, the whole reproductive rape, grievious sexual assault thing, that the movie... Kinda expects you to view as romantic? Somehow? I don’t.... get it. Apparently it’s okay because their characters are “friends”.

Anyway, moving onto the important part, Leonard, Jeff’s character, is great. He’s go the BDE going on; at one point he’s walking on the treadmill while eating a candy bar, and mocks Jason Bateman for not doing the same; he’s sarcastic, eccentric, and a massive THOT that lets women handfeed him; and, inexplicably, despite being Jason Bateman’s boss, him and Bateman are best friends. 10 out of 10 Goldblums for Leonard, who they didn’t bother to give a last name to. 

2012 - Zambezia, dir. Wayne Thornley - IMDb

Egh. Like, even for a kid’s movie this one was pretty bland? The actual design and animation is pretty beautiful - I love the designs of all the wildlife, which is the main focus of it, and that’s really well-done throughout; there’s also a star-studded cast of voice actors. The story is pretty dull, and the script ain’t great, but hey. It’s a kid’s movie, and I think it does what it means to do. 

Ajax, Goldblum’s character, is pretty cute - he’s like, a busybody, like the fucking... Toucan or whatever he is in the Lion King. He’s the advisor to the bird king or whatever. That’s... I mean, that’s pretty much it. There’s very little to say here. 

2013 - Le Week-end, dir. Roger Michell - IMDb

Le Week-end is fucking adorable. It’s about this struggling middle-aged couple who go to Paris for a weekend to try to rekindle their marriage, and they run around committing shenanigans, arguing, and generally being a little bit adorable. 

They meet Morgan, who is an old schoolfriend of Jim Broadbent’s character, and is now like, a best-selling writer in economics, and he invites them for a really stupid dinner party full of really impressive people, which makes both of them feel very inadequate. Jim Broadbent spends a lot of the party with Morgan’s weird teenage son, chatting about how Morgan is kind of a dick, but honestly, Morgan is just... Not self-aware. He’s pretty much in love with Jim Broadbent the entire time, and sings everybody’s praises, then comes to rescue them both at the end.

He’s very cute, kinda selfish, kind of disconnected from reality, and I have a lot of affection for him. 

2014 - The Grand Budapest Hotel, dir. Wes Anderson - IMDb

The Grand Budapest Hotel is like... It’s a Wes Anderson film. Egh. 

Deputy Kovacs is probably the least Goldblum-y character in any Goldblum role. He doesn’t have many of the verbal tics, and to be honest, he doesn’t even move his hands in the typical Goldblum fashion - if you look at the dinner scene, you can see his fingers twitching as he tries to keep his hand still. 

Kovacs has some good lines, but like any Anderson character, doesn’t really have a character. 

2015 - Mortdecai, dir. David Koepp - IMDb

Mortdecai is a terrible fucking film, and I despised it. It was just awful, it really was, and Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow’s characters were each fucking insufferable. It’s about this posh cunt who sells art, and then lots of people try to kill him because he’s posh, and a cunt.

Jeff’s character, Milton Krampf, is the father of Olivia Munn’s character, and Olivia Munn is a nymphomaniac who wants to fuck Johnny Depp. Milton gets like, 5 minutes of screentime, and is weirdly on board with his daughter banging Johnny Depp, but that’s it. If you ask my opinion, they should have had Milton try to bang Depp, and let Olivia Munn be in charge, but like... It was a bad movie. There was no thinking outside the box. 

2017 - Thor: Ragnarok, dir. Taika Waititi - IMDb

I mean, what do I even say? 

Thor: Ragnarok is like, my least favourite Thor film, but not because it’s not great. Thor: Ragnarok is so much better than most of the other Marvel films put together - it’s fun, it’s snappy, it’s beautifully shot, it has a vision, etc. etc. Taika Waititi’s humour mostly isn’t my thing, but his comedy is so well-ranging and so well-done that like, even if it isn’t your thing, you still get laughs out of his movies. Ragnarok is a great movie - it’s not my favourite for like, Loki’s characterisation, but... Honestly, when you’re watching it, that stuff just falls away. It’s so entertaining and so well done, even if I don’t agree with some of the characterization and story choices. 

And the GM, God, he’s... Just terrible. I adore him. You know I adore him, this whole blog is just GM fanfiction. He’s an Eldritch being with unlimited power who forces people to fight in an intergalactic alien arena while shtupping Loki Laufeyson and being too lazy to properly rule a planet. What’s not to love?

2018 - Seth Rogen’s Hilarity for Charity, dir. Ryan Polito - IMDb

Hilarity for Charity was not funny, and was generally very painful to watch. I would recommend you skip through all of the “comedy” except for Tiffany Kaddish and John Mulaney. 

At the end of the special, Jeff Goldblum plays the human face of the Netflix Algorithm, and playfully talks about destroying all human life. It’s pretty cute. 

2018 - Isle of Dogs, dir. Wes Anderson - IMDb

I fell asleep during this. Like, within a half hour, I fell asleep. 

Goldblum is underutilised, but to be honest, so are a lot of the characters - Isle of Dogs is a very weird movie, and I’m a little unclear as to some of the choices Anderson made with it, but visually, it’s a very strong movie, and it’s more enjoyable than most. 

I still fell asleep. 

Goldblum’s character, Duke, is like, a husky with a cheerful attitude, and he’s constantly gossiping and making shit up. His lines are good fun.  

2018 - Hotel Artemis, dir. Drew Pearce - IMDb

Now, Hotel Artemis, not a great movie. The plot is very lacking, the characters mostly cardboard archetypes instead of developed individuals... I think the film has a lot of issues with telling the audience the stuff that could be shown much more artfully, but like, egh.

Despite those issues, Orian Franklin - Niagara - is a very interesting character. He’s in the movie for a very short amount of time (barely twenty-five minutes of screentime, if that) but he’s a really interesting enigma, and I really loved what little they bothered to do with him.

He’s one of those characters that’s much more interesting in fanfic than in the canon. 

[boathazard]

re: nsfw otp asks - bbkaz, all of them B-)

SAVIN THE BEST FOR LAST TO GET ME THROUGH THE STUPID AMOUNT OF WORK IM DOING THIS WEEK. man i have so many feelings on bbkaz nsfw im glad you asked. so glad.

today on: bbkaz sex is literally just a way to vent their energy, and basically all warmth/affection occurs in a nonsexual context.

How loud are they? Which one is the louder of the two? bb has no filter, because what is shame, so he’s always moderately loud. but because it’s all very low-pitched noises (mostly growls and groans in his gravelly baritone, plus heavy breathing) and he tends to growl into kaz’s neck or otherwise up against his skin, it tends to have the effect of seeming softer than it is. still definitely loud enough that if the walls are thin other people are aware of what he’s doing, though. he will also say kaz’s name roughly as much as he does in their regular conversations as a way of communicating a variety of sentiments depending on the tone (anything from ‘don’t move’ to ‘do that again’). occasionally he manages single growled words as far as communication goes. usually it’s just kaz’s name, which fortunately kaz manages to interpret most of the time.

(and kaz internally is like ‘hell yeah say my name, remember who’s doing this to you’. he tries to mute that reaction but sometimes he smirks, and the sheer arrogance of that reaction irritates bb, but what’s he gonna do about it)

kaz’s manipulative tendencies make it into the bedroom, so in general, esp with girls, he’ll make different noises that he knows sound desirable and see what his partner reacts to, because he gets off on the rush of power from playing with their reactions. but bb notices kaz is a faker in about two seconds the first time they have sex, calls him on it while choking him out, and pretty much does not stand for it ever again. kaz, still determined to be desirable but only exactly in the way he intends, starts making low, genuine groans, but bites back anything that doesn’t sound cool or collected, because sex is his game and he’s not about to look like this whole thing isn’t completely under his control. he succeeds at seeming cool and unflappable the entire time he’s having sex like maybe… a third of the time with bb, mostly when he’s topping or powerbottoming or otherwise in control. the rest of the time he just gets progressively louder– gasps, groans, and lots of breathless swearing (always in english) the amount of which pretty much correlates directly with how hard bb is pounding his ass or how much pain he is causing him. kaz is also, by force of Previous Incidents Involving Forgetting Girls’ Names, not a name-sayer at all, and he always surprises himself on the extremely rare occasion where he actually does moan snake’s name because it’s usually shaky and weak and kind of affectionate and what are feelings. unlike snake, he is definitely a communicator in terms of things he does or doesn’t want done to him, and if he’s feeling mouthy or playful, will engage in the filthiest dirty talk known to man.

so basically, it depends. all other things being equal, kaz tends to be somewhat louder. unless they’re trying to keep quiet. bb is pretty hit or miss at that.

Which one is more likely to initiate? both, in equal measure– they’re ridiculously direct. if either one of them wants to fuck, they basically find the other and drag them to someplace halfway private with varying degrees of subtlety. kaz generally tries to seduce bb because it’s a rush and sex is a game. at first it was a slow, painful process because bb is oblivious as all hell, but eventually kaz figures out how to seduce bb in a way that bb will actually notice and react to. bb always thinks this is a waste of time they could be spending fucking, because it’s not like kaz has to convince him. which kaz thinks is a buzzkill because half the fun of sex is playing with your food before you eat it.

in the end they’re about half and half on the seduction vs nailing instantly situation. which works because sometimes bb is in the mood to flirt and sometimes kaz just wants to be thrown onto the nearest surface and fucked within an inch of his life. 

Oral sex? Who is more likely to give/who is more likely to receive? kaz giving, bb receiving. kaz takes pride in his dick-sucking ability and enjoys seeing bb’s reactions. bb knows this and doesn’t want to fuel kaz’s high opinion of himself so it becomes a push-pull in that department. and honestly that just makes it more fun in the end because if bb reacts at all kaz knows he’s dragged it out of him against his will. etc.

meanwhile when bb blows kaz, his technique is definitely lacking, but the degree to which he fucking commits to giving this bj with everything he has and the fact that he can deepthroat without even trying makes up for it. he’s shoved so many worse things down his throat.

Do they prefer to take their time or do they like quickies? almost entirely quickies. you’d think it would be because they’re both busy people, but it’s more because their relationship is just like that. bb doesn’t know the meaning of restraint, kaz has never heard of that thing called patience, and they egg each other on because their sexual chemistry is off the chart. and god forbid one of them do something without the other upping the ante.

sometimes they take more longer, mostly when they have time and a bed. it’s not really any less intense or whirlwind-y, though. there’s just orgasm denial involved now. because clearly, you don’t go slower when you have more time. you go just as hard to the edge and back several times. because at the end of the day this is about thrills, so the goal is the intensity of the experience. sigh.

Are they open to taking risks or experimenting? yes. yes to an infinite degree. they don’t really talk about things they want to try, though. they just kind of do them and continue doing them unless the other tells them to stop. which is terrible practice, especially when some of the stuff they’re interested in is bdsm, but communication and planning? in this relationship? ha ha ha.

also neither of them would ever safeword anyway, because that’d imply they couldn’t handle what was going on, and we can’t have that blatant affront to their masculinity, can we? not in a relationship essentially based in ‘you dish it out, i can take it’.

Favorite position? there’s enough variation that they don’t have particular favorites, because they’re both flexible and in really good shape, so they’re capable of a stupid amount of sexual contortions, all of which they do regularly. but bb likes anything with kaz right underneath him, and kaz is into anything where he can feel or see bb’s strength/muscles, like holding him up.

(kaz is not a small dude. bb is the only partner he’s ever had who can throw him around like a sack of potatoes, because bb is a god amongst men. and kaz is super fuckin into that. less so being thrown around himself (although that’s hot) so much as the fact that bb is powerful enough to do that. and kaz has a boner for displays of power. he’d also be into bb throwing a fifty pound weight like a frisbee, or some other partner having a lot of money.)

How experienced are they? Is one of them more experienced than the other? bb has had sex with exactly one person once (eva). kazuhira miller, resident MSF ho, somehow doesn’t figure out that bb has no idea what he’s doing until like the third time they have sex and tries not to laugh at the absurdity of it. big boss, legendary badass, all but a virgin. bb does not appreciate this reaction.

but what bb does have is strength and endurance, so it basically becomes bb going by raw instinct and kaz powerbottoming it into something better. or, occasionally, kaz topping and being a fucking tease because he has the experience to know exactly what to do to bb, but laying still under someone during sex goes against every instinct in bb’s body, so that doesn’t happen too much. bb’s inability to lay still or let someone else take control combined with the fact that kaz is a switch is basically why their topping/bottoming situation ends up the way it does. it’s not like bb is particularly resistant to a dick in his ass (he doesn’t care), or kaz doesn’t like his dick in things (oh god he does, that’s his one regret about bottoming so much in this “relationship”), and the only real reason kaz tops at all is because he complains about not having his dick in things enough and bb gets tired of hearing him bitch.

Which one likes to tease the other? kaz likes to tease bb in just about every way possible, from grabbing his dick under the table to pulling back while making out for no reason. it usually ends very abruptly when bb is Done With Games and physically throws kaz into whatever position he needs to be in for bb to make things happen. sometimes with an actual judo throw or some shit. kaz is into it and occasionally teases bb just to get that to happen.

bb will also “tease” kaz, but honestly what he’s doing at that point is basically just edging him until he loses it. otherwise, he doesn’t usually see much of a point in beating around the bush. 

Do they like to take it nice and slow or do they prefer to go fast and rough? fast and rough. partially because that’s just how they are (see ‘take their time or quickies’) but also because things go into uncharted territory otherwise. on rare occasions bb will actually start to nuzzle at kaz and slow down, but kaz very quickly does things to provoke him into moving faster or being rougher– trying to take back the pace via powerbottoming, taunting bb, biting him, digging his nails in way harder than he knows bb likes, even deliberately picking a fight or pissing him off if none of the above are working.

it takes bb a few times to get wise to the fact that kaz is doing this on purpose, but bb rolls with it anyway, because hey, it’s what kaz wants for some reason.

so it stays rough bc it’s how they both like it anyway, bb can do affection during sex but intimacy is foreign to him, and kaz cannot fucking deal with anything even remotely resembling intimacy because he has attachment issues and is used to impersonal sex.

Favorite place to have sex? they’re not picky. bb’s is a box anywhere they’ll be left alone, because while he doesn’t exactly have shame, they’ve been walked in on more than once and it is always a mood-killer for him, because unlike kaz he doesn’t have an exhibitionist streak. kaz’s favorite place is anywhere but the beach, because last time he got a mixture of sand and jizz in his ass and that is never. happening. again.

Do either of them have any kinks? bb is into anything involving power. kaz is into anything involving danger or pain. they’re both into power dynamics and violence. it’s a match made in hell.

an average encounter involves punching, kicking, biting, choking (both hands around neck and on a dick), and probably some blood that got drawn sort-of-accidentally but they’re both into anyway. often there’s a loaded gun or a knife pressed against somebody (kaz’s) throat, but as more of a trust/surrender thing than anything else. there’s bondage, bb generally ties kaz to things to keep him still but one time bb let kaz tie him up and it was like christmas had come early. also, once again, choking. lots of choking. enough that if they’re sparring in a non-sexual, purely professional manner and bb puts kaz in a headlock kaz gets a boner. bb also has the biggest dick the world has ever seen, because he’s bb, which might qualify as size kink. but mostly just kaz being a masochist and making terrible life choices involving not enough lube.

also included is a healthy amount of sadomasochism, clothed sex, edging, orgasm control, orgasm denial, dirty talking, fucking in dangerous places, fucking after one or both of them has almost died, almost getting caught, getting caught in kaz’s case (bb is not a fan of this), and posessive sex in bb’s case (kaz is not a fan of this). or rather, kaz is and isn’t a fan of it– he resents the restraint on his freedom, because he doesn’t wanted to be owned by anybody, but at the same time the fact that someone cares about him enough to want to own him makes his heart skip a beat. bb doesn’t really care. he’s going to be posessive during sex, and also in general, whether kaz likes it or not.

bb attempts to get kaz to beg quite often but it dosn’t usually work because by the time kaz’s desperation overcomes his pride he’s not really able to speak anymore and just kind of makes pathetic noises. most of the time it’s almost like bb’s trying to be a dom except kaz won’t sub for him and they’re both getting off on trying to make him.

on very rare occasion kaz actually does surrender and sub, though, and the sex is mindblowing when that happens. but the raw vulnerability of being like that also kind of messes with kaz, although it’s easier for him to process when he’s at least vulnerable in the context of bb hurting him than being gentle with him. there’s a reason that kind of surrender is hard to drag out of him, beyond just his stubborn personality in general. all the better for bb, though. having to actively fight to get kaz fo surrender to him turns him on immensely and is a good chunk of what keeps him interested in the relationship.

so… they’re a fucking ride, basically. everybody usually knows when they’ve had sex because bb has a few strategically placed hickeys, kaz comes out of it looking like he’s been mauled by a bear, and also everybody heard it.

there’s also times when it’s just a friday and they’re both tired and kaz is like ‘can you please just jerk me off so i can relax before i go to sleep’ and things are strangely peaceful and nobody leaves with bruises. but they don’t talk about those times, or how a disproportionate amount of them end in them sleeping on each other.

Is there anything that the other does that they find particularly sexy or irresistible?

bb’s attention is usually caught by physical means– kaz showing skin in any capacity, the way his eyes dilate when he’s an inch from his face and aroused, and also just in general the way kaz looks when he’s Feeling It. bb is direct, the things he finds sexy are things that lead to sex.

and as mentioned previously, kaz is into bb being strong/powerful. doesn’t matter whether bb just kicked twenty people’s asses in training with his shirt off, or threatened a client who was about to go back on a deal until he almost pissed himself. kaz is into it. he’s also into the fact that bb can walk into the woods, catch fish with his bare hands and survive like fucking tarzan or something. but it concerns him that sometimes bb goes off and eats scorpions when they have actual food.

What’s the general tone? Playful, romantic, rushed? rushed. also, violent. to quote the profound sage wisdom of eminem, “that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano“.

What happens afterward? a solid amount of time there’s not even a bed involved, so they make some attempt to fix their clothes to look they didn’t just blow each other in a supply tent, and then leave to go back to whatever they were doing. sometimes, if it’s during the day, they go get coffee from the mess hall because they meant to talk about something work-related anyway and hey, they’re both here. basically, they get on with their day.

after the maybe 20% of their encounters that occur in a bed at night, bb’s immediate instinct is to curl around the thing he’s just mated with like some kind of weird animal, and then immediately fall asleep. kaz, conversely, is hardwired from years and years of anonymous sex to roll to the other side of the bed, stick around for long enough to enjoy his afterglow, then leave.

unfortunately, when they first start sleeping together they’re sharing living quarters (gotta present that united leader front), so kaz ‘going back’ just consists of walking across the room to his own bed. which bb immediately points out is really fucking stupid. kaz argues it’s stupid for them both to try and cram onto a cot meant for one person and says several biting things regarding cuddling and pillow talk. the next time they sleep together in a bed bb decides the appropriate solution is to literally lock his arms around kaz so kaz can’t leave. kaz is very angry and struggles for awhile, but eventually decides to wait it out until bb falls asleep, except kaz falls asleep first. this somehow, in a way that makes sense only to them. settles things, because bb Won. so on the occasion they sleep together at night and on a bed, kaz grudgingly tolerates what is sort of cuddling, sort of a full-body hold for a bit before going back to his own bed. after a bit, it becomes less grudging and he sort of passively lets bb do what he wants.

and way down the line... kaz never fully does become a cuddler in the sense bb is (he’s hot and covered in sweat and he does not want another sweaty body to fall asleep on top of him), but when he’s well and truly fucked in the feelings department, he reciperocates in that he does wrap his arms around bb and rest his head on his shoulder for awhile.

[zacekova]

Akagami no Shirayukihime Dragon Companion AU compilation

Okay, guys. This is getting really long and I don’t regret a thing. 

This is a collection of a bunch of ideas and images from a thread on the Obiyuki discord that we’ve tossed around about an ANS AU where dragons exist. I’ve had some thoughts since then and have added my ideas to the list, but there are still a lot of blank spaces and room for expansion. 

I’m listing any ANS writers/artists who have said they want to create content for any of these. PLEASE feel free to send me pictures, ideas, suggestions, alterations, questions, etc. Literally anything you can think of, anonymously or otherwise. I’ll post the asks and let it go a few rounds in the ANS fandom to see what ideas most of us seem to like best and add them to this master post. 

I hope this monstrous thing serves as inspiration for some of you and is good, wholesome fun for the rest of us. 

Dragons are immortal creatures that have existed since the dawn of time and come in many shapes and sizes. Most are hundreds to thousands of years old and females and babies are rare. They choose To live among humans as lifelong companions and friends, finding a new companion after the previous has died. 

(Note: Dragon’s age the equivalent of about 1 year to every 7 that passes through infancy to adulthood. Once they reach maturity - around 200 years of age - they cease maturing and can live indefinitely, so far as we are aware. Some species never stop growing, some do.) 

Shirayuki’s 

Color: Pink 

Size: Pocket (5-10 inches long)

Age: 250

Personality: Angry. Snaps and hisses at people, particularly Raj and his dragon or anyone who tries to touch her hair. Hides out in Shirayuki’s pockets and hoods - and under her hair, when it was long. 

History: Gets into fights frequently despite his small size, so his face is rather smashed and mangled. Shirayuki still thinks he’s lovely. 

Hoard: Insults and colorful stones 

Writers/Artists: 

Zen’s 

Color: White 

Size: 3 feet tall 

Age: 800 years 

Personality: Dopey and friendly. Drools a lot. Excitable. Runs around the castle knocking things over and making a nuisance of himself. Taught Zen how to climb the castle walls. Probably snores. And chases his tail, among other things. 

History: 

Hoard: Feathers and leaves 

Writers/Artists: 

Obi’s 

Color: Yellow 

Size: Pocket (12-15 inches long). No wings. 

Age: 537

Personality: Flirtatious and clever but also kind of grumpy. Holds grudges over little things and likes to tease. Once hid inside Obi’s pants while Obi was sleeping because she was cold but Obi’s reaction in the morning was so hilarious she does it just to mess with him now. 

History: A huge influence on the development of Obi’s personality - he used to be sullen and quiet but she was so annoying he had to learn to retaliate. 

Hoard: Scarves (they’re warm.) 

Writers/Artists: 

Ryuu’s 

(After growth spurt)

Color: Green, furred. 

Size: Still growing. 

Age: 84 (developmentally the same age as Ryuu) 

Personality: Venomous. 

History: 

Hoard: 

Writers/Artists: 

Mitsuhide’s 

Color: Dark blue 

Size: 6 feet tall 

Age: 871

Personality: Lazy. Very lazy. Sleeps everywhere on anything all the time. Is very strong and helpful but you have to get him up first. Rests his head on Mitsuhide’s shoulder when he’s awake and gives headbutts as a sign of his affection. 

History: 

Hoard: Sunny, cozy alcoves and rocks 

Writers/Artists: 

Kiki’s

Color: Iridescent purple and blue 

Size: 10 feet tall 

Age: 2,332

Personality: Regal, pompous, vain. A beautiful dragon and he knows it but secretly angry about his “smaller” size. Thinks dragons like Izana’s are “excessively large,” and is quite vocal about it. Likes Kiki because she is strong and beautiful and doesn’t take crap from anyone but that’s where their similarities end. 

History: 

Hoard: Reflective surfaces (constantly hounding Kiki to pull out her sword so he can make sure there’s nothing stuck in his teeth).

Writers/Artists:  

Izana’s 

Color: White 

Size: 30 feet tall 

Age: Unknown 

Personality: Ancient and wise, but secretive. Arrogant, disdainful, cold. Has little tolerance for younger dragons. Doesn’t care for weak and stupid people, either, but he finds them amusing all the same. Izana ends up becoming a rare exception; the young King is clever enough to appeal to this dragon’s interests and he ends up begrudgingly fond and protective of Izana after a few years. 

History: 

Hoard: Clarines kingdom (is the companion of the king or the king’s heir exclusively). 

Writers/Artists: 

Zakura’s 

Color: Black 

Size: 12 feet tall 

Age: 942 

Personality:

History: 

Hoard:

Writers/Artists: 

Haruka’s 

Color: Gold 

Size: 8 feet tall 

Age: 2,800 

Personality: Prideful and inquisitive. Spends a lot of his time reading or traveling. 

History:  Is a companion to Haruka’s family more than Lord Haruka himself, and is the biggest reasons for their wealth and standing in Clarines. 

Hoard: Books and maps. 

Writers/Artists: 

Garrack’s 

Color: Red  Size: Age: Personality: History: Hoard: Writers/Arists:

Yuzuri’s 

Color: Red and orange 

Size: 20 feet tall 

Age: 400 

Personality: Suspicious, protective. Hot tempered and can be violent and malicious if her companion or friends are in danger. 

History: 

Hoard:

Writers/Artists: 

Suzu’s 

Color: Yellow 

Size: 2 feet long 

Age: 250 

Personality: Relaxed and lazy but very curious. Likes to lay on Suzu’s head or shoulder and read along with him while Suzu researches and asks a lot of questions until falling asleep again. Drives Yuzuri’s dragon crazy by napping on her neck just high enough that she can’t reach to nip his tail. 

History: 

Hoard: Pencils and pin cushions (the latter makes excellent pillows) 

Writers/Artists: 

Shidan’s 

Color: Brown 

Size: 8 inches 

Age: 1,863 

Personality: Dead without the canonverse’s version of coffee. Cranky and prickly and critical but secretly fond of almost everyone. 

History: 

Hoard: Coffee. All the coffee. 

Writers/Artists: 

Lata’s 

Color: Black. 

Size: 3 inches 

Age: 5 

Personality: Cheerful and curious and playful. Still just a baby. 

History: Lata had never had a dragon companion before. He happened to be out in a cave hunting for stones when he stumbled across a hatching dragon. She took a liking to him despite his panicked protests that he has no idea how to take care of a baby. He does a great job not matter how much he complains and she absolutely adores him. 

Hoard: Fruits and berries. She hasn’t figured out yet why they keep disappearing (Lata eats them before they go bad). 

Writers/Artists: 

Kirito’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Haki’s 

Color: White 

Size: 10 feet tall 

Age: 1,958

Personality: Wise and clever. Offers quiet council and advice but only when the person would not be better served by figuring it out themselves. 

History: 

Hoard: 

Writers/Artists: 

Makiri’s 

Color: Grey 

Size:15 feet tall 

Age: Unkown. 

Personality:

History: 

Hoard:

Writers/Arists: 

Raj’s 

Color: Reddish pink 

Size: 6 inches 

Age: 702 

Personality: 

History:

Hoard: Coins 

Writers/Arists:

Rona’s 

Color: 

Size: 

Age: 

Personality: 

History:

Hoard: 

Writers/Arists:

Eugena’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Sakaki’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Mihaya’s 

Color:

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Age:

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History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Mukaze’s

Color: Brown and Green 

Size: Unknown 

Age:Unknown 

Personality: Slow and steady as a mountain. Old and wise and infinitely kind. Adopts pretty much everyone on the mountain as his children. Fearsome when angered. 

History:

Hoard: People 

Writers/Arists: superhappybubbles 

Itoya’s

Color: Grey 

Size: 12 feet tall

Age: 1,442

Personality: Quiet and serious. Contemplative. Likes to sit outside and watch nature, watch the sun and moon and stars cross the sky, the water flow in the river, the birds and creatures go about their days. Patient and stubborn as stone. 

History: 

Hoard: 

Writers/Arists: 

Kazuki’s 1st 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

History: Umihebi killed Kazuki’s first dragon, something considered impossible before. Kazuki rarely talks about it. Umihebi became more power hungry, greedy, and arrogant than ever before. 

Hoard:

Writers/Arists: superhappybubbles 

Kazuki’s 2nd 

Color: Brownish green. 

Size: 24 inches long 

Age: 23 

Personality: Cheerful. Kinda dopey. Very clumsy. Basically a fearless but accident-prone little kid who wind Kazuki over by being ridiculously chirpy and lighthearted and giving Kazuki’s concerned and protective spirit one too many heart attacks by walking obliviously into danger. 

History:

Hoard: Flowers and acorns 

Writers/Arists: superhappybubbles 

Umihebi’s 

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Kihal’s

Color: Blue and green, exotic in appearance. 

Size: 2 feet long

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard: Snail shells 

Writers/Arists:

Hisame’s 

Color: Dark grey 

Size: 15 feet tall 

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Touka’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

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Tsuruba and Tariga’s 

Color: Dark grey 

Size: 10 feet tall 

Age: 470 

Personality: 

History: Touka chained him down as a punishment to the twins once after they had made a mistake. The first thing they do after Touka dies is run back to release him. 

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Shuuka’s 

Color: Black 

Size: 15 inches 

Age: 72 

Personality: Rambunctious and curious. Explores in the walls and crevices of the fort and eats the mice and rats. Hangs upside-down from the rafters to sleep. Likes to roll around and bat at people’s feet while they’re trying to walk. Basically a cat, but cuter. 

History:

Hoard: Arrowheads. Two (2) mice or one (1) rat can be traded for one intact arrowhead, should the need arise. 

Writers/Arists:

Shiira’s 

Color: Orange 

Size: 4 inches 

Age: 608

Personality: A total moron. Look at that face, c’mon. He likes to climb trees and eat fruit. He screeches extremely loud with a raspy, grating tone to get Shiira’s attention, which he absolutely loathes, and gnaws on literally everything. And then just when Shiira is ready to wring his neck, he falls asleep on Shiira’s lap curled up in a tiny ball and snuffling/nuzzling at Shiira’s belly. 

History:

Hoard: He seems to think every chair and bed in existence belongs to him. You got up to go get a drink? Too bad, he stole it. You want to go to sleep? Well, looks like he’s camped out right in the center and how could you possibly stand to wake something that adorable? 

Writers/Arists:

Kai’s 

Color: Unknown 

Size: Unknown 

Age: N/A 

Personality: Unknown 

History: Someone gave him the egg as a gift. My shipping heart wants to say Shiira, but I don’t think a lowly gate guard could afford a dragon egg. 

Hoard: Unknown 

Writers/Arists:

Haruto’s 

Color: Purplish blue 

Size: 5 feet tall 

Age: 924

Personality: Happy and sweet. Likes to lick Haruto’s hand and nuzzle her side. Curls around whatever chair she sits in. 

History:

Hoard: Pearls 

Writers/Arists:

Yatsufusa’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Higata’s 

Color:

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Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Earl Seiran’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

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Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

Torou’s 

Color:

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Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

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Atri’s 

Color:

Size:

Age:

Personality:

History:

Hoard:

Writers/Arists:

[thelem0npie]

Hello, My Deer

You'd think that a magic school full of extremely powerful witches and wizards would have some kind of barriers or enchantments in place to keep students out of forbidden places, right?  

Well apparently not, as Y/N had discovered in her first year at Hogwarts, one could simply stroll into the forbidden forest with ease.  

Which she did, many times over the years.  

She found it was a good place to go when one wanted to be alone and undiscovered.  

She wasn't stupid, she knew what kinds of dangerous creatures dwelled within the mass of trees and the rolling mists.  

But she also knew that if she remained quiet and near the edges, she would be safe.  

The girl had seen wonderful things in that forest, from centaurs to fairies and even a unicorn on one eventful trip.  

Yet, as all children, she was tempted by that very same curiosity that had led her into the forest on that very first day. The curiosity to explore, to know more and to see everything.  

It was this curiosity that took her deep into the forest one bright summer day, further than she'd ever dared to go.  

The sunlight quickly disappeared as she delved into the mist that seemed to be a constant in the forest.  

It wasn't until her stomach started growling and she'd turned around to go to lunch when Y/N realized her own foolish mistake.  

She was completely and utterly lost.  

Three boys exited the castle, one of them walking faster and with an angry air about him while the other two tailed along, trying to calm their friend.  

"James! Mate, you're taking it too seriously!"  

"PURPLE PADS! MY HAIR IS PURPLE!" The boy gestured wildly at his own hair which was a disastrous mess of black and pastel purple locks.  

"It's really more of a lilac if you think about it."  

"SHUT UP WORMTAIL!" The two other boys yelled in sync.  

"I'm sorry! I didn't realize it would be so.... purple! Come back inside and we'll go ask McGonagall for the countercharm."  

"Absolutely not! No one else is seeing this until I'm back to normal!" With that, he disrobed and turned into a magnificent, purple stag.  

Peter let out a ridiculous shout of laughter at the sight, Sirius himself disguised his own laugh with a gravelly cough because before them, instead of James' usual brown and black deer, stood a bright purple stag, from its antlers to its hooves, everything was purple. The stag took one look at itself and wailed aloud. 

"EVEN THE STAG IS PURPLE! THE STAG!" James/The stag yelled before cantering off into the forbidden forest.

"It really is more of a lilac, you're right Wormtail."

Y/N was wandering the dark foreboding forest, hopelessly searching for a way out when she tripped over a tree root and hit the ground hard.  

"Freakin shit! This is such assatry!" She grumbled, glaring at the new rips on her favourite jeans, right over the knees.  

A twig snapped nearby and the girl, forgetting her jeans, jumped to her feet and raised her wand.  

"Who's there?" She called, already imagining scenes where acromantula burst from the trees and devour her, or centaurs would come in, arrows flying and slay her where she stood.  

None of this quite prepared her for what did come from the woods, a creature that took her breath away. A graceful brown, black and purple stag that regarded her with boredom tinged with curiosity.  

"Hello there," She whispered in awe, "you're beautiful."  

The stag snorted and tossed its head as if to say 'of course I am, peasant.'  

"Are you hungry, pretty?" She rummaged around in her bag and brought out a baggie of sugar cubes she saved for any run-ins with a unicorn or fairy.  

The stag clopped over happily, stopping a few feet away and watching as Y/N scooped out a few and held them in the palm of her hand.  

The girl watched in awe as this beautiful creature sniffed at her hand before gobbling up the sugar. "I'm gonna call you Pinkie." She smiled, giving the stag more sugar cubes. The creature huffed but ate the sugar cubes anyway.

"What are you? You look like an ordinary deer but you're….purple."

The deer huffed again and started snuffling at the remaining sugar cubes. "Hey!" She shoved the cubes into her bag and scolded the deer. "That's very rude you know, those aren't all for you."  

The deer huffed again and started trotting away. "You can understand me! Wait up!" Y/N hurried after the strange creature. "Can you show me the way out? I'm lost."  

It sighed and gave her an almost humanlike glare of annoyance before nudging her in a certain direction and walking that way.  

As they walked Y/N couldn't help but reach out to touch the beautiful stag. Its fur was smooth and she could feel all the muscle hidden underneath.  

It certainly was a powerful beast. As she watched its fur it occurred to her that the deer had been much more purple when she'd first seen it. "Hey pretty, have you been charmed?"  

The deer huffed again and she took that as a yes. "I'll bet it was those rude Marauders, it seems just like something they'd do."  

The stag made a rumbling sound that might've been… laughter?  

"A-are you laughing?"  

It stopped immediately, continuing its stroll while Y/N gazed at it in wonder, stroking her hand along its side.  

"You know, I could change you back to the right colour. I'm sure I know the spell."  

The stag stopped walking and turned to look at her hopefully. What a strange animal… She thought as she pulled her wand out and pointed it at the stag, who was looking at her with nothing but trust as the girl muttered the spell.  

Soon enough the stag was free of all purple and his true colours of black and browns was revealed.  

"You look like a normal stag, but you certainly don't act like one." The stag looked sheepish and continued to lead her.  

"Ah, you've probably got your own magic just like everything in this forest."  

It seemed to puff up with pride when she said this, something she'd seen someone do many times before.  

"You remind me of a boy I know." She chuckled slightly, aimlessly tracing patterns over the stag's side. "James Potter, the 'most awesome guy in Hogwarts' as he's known. But he's really not all that, he's an arrogant swine if you ask me." She laughed. "Although, I can't deny that he can be sweet when he wants. I've never actually told anyone this but, on our first day here James found me sitting alone on the train, freaking out about Hogwarts because I came from a muggle family, no idea what's in store for me, ya know? He talked to me and made me feel better, I doubt he even remembers it but on that day I saw a different James Potter that no one else seems to see. Sometimes I see him without his friends, that horrid Sirius Black and little Peter Pettigrew, he's such a brown-noser, and he almost seems like that James that I met all those years ago..." Y/N stopped talking, a small smile on her face. When she realised that the deer was staring at her with an unreadable expression she chuckled. "You're right, I'm being weird, I guess I just hope he's still in there because I have a huge crush on that guy and it makes me sad that he doesn't let people see that part of him and I'm literally pouring my heart out to a random animal I found in the woods okay…."  

The stag nuzzled her cheek and licked it. "EW THAT'S NASTY WHAT THE HELL, PINKIE!"  

She wiped her cheek on her robe, ridding it of deer saliva and glaring at the animal that was somehow managing to look smug.  

She was about to start complaining again when she noticed that they'd come to the edge of the forest. "You actually took me out of the forest! You really are magical." She patted the stag on its side. "Thank you, Pinkie, I'll come visit you again and bring more sugar cubes."  

She started making her way to the castle but stopped upon hearing the sound of heavy footsteps behind her. She turned and saw the strange deer following her. When she stopped it tilted its head as if asking what was wrong.  

"Pinkie, you can't come with me, go back to the forest."  

"Well that's a bit rude, I really thought we were bonding back there." She blinked, certain that she'd just seen the stag say those words…  

"…..did you just….. Talk?....." She stammered, eyes wide in shock.  

"What, you never seen a talking stag before?"  

That voice…. She could recognise it anywhere. It sounded exactly like the voice she dreamed about nearly every night.  

"What are you…?"  

The stag winked, of all things, and started… changing!??  

Its legs turned into human arms and legs, its body shifting and shrinking into a bare chest and the head morphed into a human's head until before her stood a completely naked James Potter.  

"MERLIN'S BEARD HIDE YOUR SHAME!" Y/N shrieked, spinning away from the boy.  

"Your crush is standing in front of you completely nude and you don't want to hop on?"  

Y/N felt her face heat up with the telltale blush creeping into her cheeks and was thankful for the fact that James couldn't see her face. "Fuck off, Potter."  

"Accio clothes." The sound of fabric whacking him could be heard followed by a rustling. "Okay, I'm decent."  

She turned around warily, muscles relaxing when she saw that he was, indeed, clothed now.  

"So….." She started, bringing him to cock an eyebrow expectantly.  

"So you're into me." He smirked.  

"Yeah… pretty much." She shuffled nervously.  

"Sweet." She looked up, surprised. "Well, I'm hot, you're hotter, it was bound to happen." He shrugged casually and started heading for the castle. "Hogsmeade tomorrow at 10, bring more sugar cubes."

Masterlist

[fairytail-whathesays]

So uh, I don’t know how coherent this will be (forgive me, it’s almost midnight here) but I’ll try anyway.

I’ve been rereading FT after not touching it for years (I am in the middle of the Galuna arc, btw, so anything after that is not as fresh to me) and I was struck both by how much better than the latter canon the early parts were (if only for the lessened fanservice, and the still believable situations) and by how a lot of what I hate about FT is already rearing its ugly head.

That they are. The real problems behind Fairy Tail start with Phantom Lord, and I honestly enjoy Galuna Island a lot more than other arcs.

Case in point: what is basically the first friendship-nakama-etc speech, courtesy of Makarov himself. (I am not 100% sure it is the actual first, but it is probably the first to be that overt and long.) And honestly, this, coupled with what Makarov said to Romeo way back in the Balkan/Vulcan arc, already makes me hate him.

Rebelling against authority is cool if that authority is corrupt. Saying “fuck you” against authority that really wants you to quit destroying property and punching people is not cool at all. Especially if your longtime friend is a member of that authority and catches shit for all of your wrongdoing.

And, having read your post about the reasons you hate Makarov, I noticed that - chronologically - it starts with Gajeel. So, uh, I wanted to add something about him that you had not written about yet, as far as I know? (and, I mean, I might have missed it if you had since I only discovered this blog today! Though i have been binge-reading it for some hours…)

It is often said -and shown- that Makarov believes FT mages to be his “children”, and tbh this shows the kind of father he is…

What I consider his “first offense” comes with his reaction to Romeo’s plea (that someone PLEASE look for his dad, since he took on a job he said would take 3 days and it’s been a week) : he literally brushes him off with the worst words he could have said. “No way! Your dad is a mage! We have no mage here who can’t take care of himself! Go home!”, and later on, to himself: “if he goes to help Macao, it will only hurt his pride. No one can decide what he should do, just leave him alone.”

Fuck, I never remember that until people bring it up–but now that you mention it, I remember thinking that was really shitty, too. 1) A man’s pride is not worth less than his safety and life or the damage it causes his child to see that life in danger, and 2) that just fucking stupid. “Mages can take care of themselves”? He was up in the mountains and it was below freezing. Makarov acts like mages are immortal and infallible and that not returning from a three-day mission after a week is cause for no concern.

Then of course, when Macao is rescued by Natsu & Lucy (and he was very much in need of rescuing), he is grateful, and his pride is not damaged at all, as he tells Romeo of how he managed to defeat 19 monsters by himself.

Thanks, Makarov. Now we know who to trust.

Mirajane, in her exposition mode, says he is actually quite worried - I can believe that, but his reaction is not good at all. And I can understand where he comes from - his words clearly come from some bad experience - but still: he is the guild’s master. Is “everyone here can take care of themselves, and thus nobody should help them, and they should be left alone” the right attitude to take with this kind of things? …Nope, no it isn’t, especially when he is dealing with literal children (whom we know have been part of FT and will soon be again. Since they were FT mages, I expect they, too, would have been considered capable of taking care of themselves?).

Right you are.

The best thing about this? Laxus later on fucking calls him on it, when he refuses to go looking for Natsu and Lucy and drag them back from their stolen S-ranked job: “Don’t be ridiculous… I have another job to take care of. ‘There isn’t a single mage that can’t take care of his own stuff’, right?”

(This, btw, is the exact moment this character became my favorite)

Translation: Double standard? Not on my watch.

Which makes me wonder, how many times has Makarov said that?

Still, I suppose that -as Hiro Mashima does show some self-reflection for once- he did not actually think what Makarov said to do was the best course of action. Although it does not really excuse him pretty much using it for years before Natsu stole that S-ranked quest…

Imagine if that had been the guild’s reaction when considering whether to rescue Makarov from the Alvarez Empire. “Eh, Makarov can take care of himself. He can handle it”. And Makarov, of all people, should’ve been able to. 

Anyway, going back to the whole maybe-first friendship speech (or at least the first one I noticed) : that speech was particularly appalling, at least to me, for being awful both in-canon and out of it.

Let’s start with the out of canon (uh, Doylist point of view I think?):

Yep!

It was bad writing. Pure and simple. The situation is: Kageyama, our resident Eisenwald Shikamaru-expy, has been saved by Team Natsu but has subsequently betrayed them, escaping with Lullaby. He manages to get to the regular meeting of guild masters, and attempts to play the cursed flute in front of Makarov. At that point, though, flashbacks start to happen: at first to the reasons his guild is doing it, then to things Team Natsu said to him - that what they are trying to do won’t accomplish what they truly want, some positive stuff from Gray - anyway, sorta standard stuff, but still effective. He’s sweating and hesitating - and at that point, the dreaded Speech commences: it is, tbh, a mess that boils down to “Alone, we are weak. Together, we are strong” ™ - which ends with Makarov revealing he Knew All Along, and Kage admitting his defeat.

From a purely storytelling point of view, I was - devastated, honestly. I had really gotten into that character (Shikamaru-expy and all), and was legit tearing up a bit at how Team Natsu’s words had had such an effect on him even when they weren’t even trying to Make Him Good or anything. It would have been very powerful, imo, if what had actually happened was that he simply gave up after having those flashbacks, realizing that he never really wanted to kill the guild masters and that he was just lashing out at what he believed to be an unjust world and system etc etc. You know, character development and all - all the more powerful since he never received a Friendship Speech, but simply was impacted by a few comments.

Instead…well, Friendship Speech™, which didn’t even fit into the whole thing (I mean, what has “having nakamas” got to do with what he was doing? Eisenwald’s whole problem is that they were kicked out of the League and made illegal & dark, and that they consider it to be unjust and want to get back at those who did it. That’s… that’s his guild’s issue. His nakama’s issue. The problem with him and his guild wasn’t that they were, Idk, loners without friends or whatever: it was that they were going to kill innocents and people barely connected to those who made them a dark guild, and also that they never quite examined why they were kicked out, and why they were not blameless at all, and did deserve it*), and lessened SO MUCH the impact of a villain deciding that he was on the wrong path mostly on his own, with just a bit of help and without that help being so over the top and condescending.

Way to hit the nail on the head. There is an external problem and an internal problem. The external is their perceived unjust treatment; the internal problem is their extreme reaction to it, nor merely a lack of unity or family attitude. 

Then we have the in-canon problems and- I might repeat myself, you’re warned (it’s almost 0100 uuugh). Okay, so: I can accept Makarov knowing what that flute is and what it does (since even Lucy did), and being confident enough that he could stop that kid if he truly seemed to be ready to play it (he can be fast, and he simply had to extend his arm and take it). But- that speech. Man, that speech.

He is going off an infuriatingly vague and cliched speech, basing it off- what? What does he even know about Kageyama? Does he even know about Eisenwald? Probably not, since he was simply leaving because he got worried about Team Natsu being, well, a thing. Why, then, is he lecturing this person - who, for all he knows, might belong in a guild as nakama-y as FT? (oh, wait, my bad: only the good guys are allowed to have True Nakamas ™. Bad guys get the False Nakamas, if any, who would gladly kill you for power. Always. At all times. For any reason.) He just sounds arrogant, full of himself, and very much trying to do the all-knowing wise mentor routine. With an added bonus of straight up manipulation - telling him that he should not rely on tools but on friends (insert sparkly), and thus should not use that flute (what, not because he would kill innocent people in it? Because using it would be weak? Wow, thanks Makarov, so deep). There is no way in hell this could work if Mashima hadn’t really, really wanted it to. If I was Kageyama, I’d play that flute just because of that speech. That’s how much I hated it.

So if he had followed through with Makarov’s advice, he’d have returned with allies and then slaughtered the guildmasters? Nice advice. It’s doubly stupid because Kageyama is an example of relying on friends–Erigor fell down on the job and cannot complete it, so Kageyama is picking up the slack and completing it for him. Yeah, their end goal might be murder, but the principle is the same: relying on one’s friends.

*Ok this is going to be a really weird rant, but hear me out: the plight of Dark Guilds, and mages from them. For Eisenwald, it wasn’t really explored whether or not all of them were taking up assassination requests or it was just Erigor (or idk, Erigor and a few others). There must have been at least some members of the guild who never killed anyone - and at least some who were unaware of it happening in their guild. Then the guild was ordered to disband and declared dark. …We don’t really see this in canon, but IMO mages from dark guilds probably find it at least somewhat hard to find a good guild to join. And anyway, it does mean giving up your guildmates, and the guild (which, if it happened to FT, would never be supported by the narrative). Honestly, I am not condoning the things dark guilds do - but declaring a guild dark like that is not only harsh but also actively encourages the members of that guild to do Fucked Up Shit, even if they weren’t doing it before. Couldn’t there have been some inquiries, those truly responsible be arrested and the guild, without the worst members, allowed to go on? Only arresting the guild master and declaring the guild dark and ordering it to disband is the worst course of action the council could have undertaken.

That is a weird rant. I didn’t ask this question because the feeling I got while watching the Erigor arc was that most of the members overall didn’t have a problem with murder, but perhaps I’m wrong for assuming that. But generally, I wouldn’t consider that an ill response, since once lives are taken you have to take measures. Dark guilds can be forcibly disbanded when the Magic Council hire light guilds to do so, so it would make sense that they aren’t worried about backlash. 

I… probably have more to say, and what I did say I wanted to say better, but I’m tired as heck and I’ve ranted long enough now. I hope you can glean something halfway coherent from this, and also wanted to let you know your analyses are brilliant and I love them <3 Thanks for reading all this, and please maybe let me know what you think?

I think you made a lot of good points. I’m now stewing in my hatred both for Makarov and for Mashima’s tired, exhausted narrative choices. Thanks for sending!

[little-black-cube]

The Warmth

Pairing: Wander / Hater

Rating: G

Word Count: 2332 (Read on AO3 here)

Lord Hater is simply a skeleton.

Sure, he could shoot lightning from his hands and produce green magic with his anger alone.

He could also eat, drink, and -- though he claims he doesn't due to being the evilest and most fearful villain in the galaxy-- cry, but other than that, he's completely and most definitely a skeleton.

Temperature doesn't affect him unless it's internal. Harsh winters and the unrelenting heat of a summer’s day weren’t enough to phase him. It’s funny to him, because the watchdogs react to it almost dramatically, so he’d always leave the heat all the way up or the make it below freezing level just to bother them. None of them dared to complain, not even Peepers, who had done presentations with his body protruding sweat as if it were a waterfall. But besides that, he doesn’t really pay attention to it much.

That was, until, Wander got him trapped within his own portal, the Pit of Perpetual Pain. What made it worse was the fact that previous villains that Hater had stuck down there had been in cahoots with the nomad prior to their exile. They had a thirst for Hater’s nonexistent blood, extremely fuming that the arrogant skeleton had banished them to a wasteland. If it hadn’t been for the fluffy little freak, Hater was sure his head would’ve been on a stick while the remainder of his bones were being carved into weapons to use against him. Not that he’d ever admit it, but Wander’s presence was useful for once.

They had been surviving under a poorly constructed house made of three, limp sticks. Wander didn’t have a hard time finding food that he enjoyed, seeing as the pit is pretty much just open land just filled with possible vegetarian dishes to make. But the skeleton had -very loudly- expressed his hatred for anything that wasn’t meat or fat fulfilling. He liked the sugary, fried, and borderline diabetic things he would snack on.

It’s unfortunate that his pit was supposed to replicate a living hell, which for him, was a place with no junk food.

The weather had been unpredictable. Some days had temperatures ranging from below freezing to boiling hot in between minutes, and other days, it’d stay on one extreme for a full 24 hours. Today had been one of those days.

Hater hadn’t noticed, but Wander sure did. Snow had been piling around them for hours, the white sheet of snow quickly becoming a full king sized bed spread. Hater sat with his arms crossed, dying of boredom and frustration. He hated the snow. It made his bones wet and his limbs harder to bend due to how stiff they’d get. He wasn’t upset by the cold, though, because he couldn’t feel that.

The nomad was laying awfully close to him, his much smaller body racking with shivers as he tried to sleep. That’s what also sucked about this planet, the day to night ratio was almost nonexistent. It seemed to change in between seconds, the sun glowing for a good twenty minutes before giving the moon its time to shine.  More often than not had the moon remained in the sky for a full day.

As the alien slept, his snores became obnoxious to listen to. The small “me me me” leaving his lips were also accompanied by the chatter of his teeth. Hater knew the nomad was freezing, seeing as the thin material of the green hat was the only barrier Wander had from the cold. He could've just ignored it and let the little twerp freeze to death, but then he considered the consequence. Every one of Wander’s companions would kill him without a second thought if they knew Hater could've kept him warm.

The skeleton sighed, sitting up and facing the sleeping furball. Wander’s hat was moving frantically, and Hater saw its owner's face scrunched up in discomfort. The sight didn't fill him with any satisfaction, the villain realized.

Well, it was obviously because he wasn't the one making him react like that, duh.

He shakily stood up, the winds too harsh for him to keep his balance. There had to be a better shelter somewhere, because their stick fort was as inefficient as it looked. He squinted his eyes, as if it would help him see better, tapping his foot in anticipation. Grop darn it!

Why did he have to make this pit so treacherous as to not even have a cave or something?

Before he could realize how dumb of a question it was, Hater spotted just that. A large hill laid in the distance, and with enough observation, he could see a small crate on the top of it, representing a tunnel of some sort. Hater wore a smug expression, celebrating just how clever he was... to absolutely nobody at all. The ruler grabbed the sleeping alien by his seam of his hat, holding the thinner part over his shoulder so that it represented some sort of sack. The nomad didn't stir at all, his snores only getting softer while the chatter still carried its intensity.

“At least he isn't talking,” Hater muttered to himself, readjusting the space traveler slightly before setting off.

The blizzard hadn't lightened up at all, the snow falling fast enough to recover the skeleton’s footprints the second he left them. Wander’s teeth continued to click rapidly, and his body shook so hard it made a humming noise. The walk was difficult and extremely long. Hater had no problem holding the nomad, the creature being unreasonably light in his grip, but each step the skeleton made became deeper and deeper, the piles of snow practically trapping his legs.

Eventually, they made it to the bottom of the rock-like hill, the skeleton exhausted from walking. He tilted his skull back to get a better view on just how far the cave was, just before checking to see if there was any other route to get there.

Oh, this is just too flarping fantastic, he thought sarcastically when he saw there was no where else to go but up.

He set the sleeping alien down, keeping his eye on the crevice in the hill. If he weren't so exhausted, he'd use his powers to lift them both out, but it was just his luck that the walk had been so tiring.  Hater knew he was going to have to use both hands to climb anyways, and there was nothing he had to carry the nomad with him. They had no other area to camp out at this point, and the ruler grew frustrated with the fact that he had basically wasted his time coming over here.

“Grop!” He yelled, picking up the sleeping nomad by his back fur, leaving the hat on the ground, “Why couldn't you have come with a rope or something?!”

It was then that he noticed that Wander was no longer quivering. His lips were curled upwards and he let out a contented sigh before absentmindedly wrapping his arms around the skeleton, his eyes still shut in slumber. Hater furrowed his brow in frustration, pushing at the little body with triumph, but to no avail. Wander’s arms were literally tied around him, the noodle limbs hooked around the skeleton’s neck. He hung loosely around the front of Hater’s chest, almost like a long necklace, his legs dangling like a ragdoll.

Hater groaned, debating pulling him off and throwing him as hard as he could to the crevice of the hill, but he knew it wouldn't work. Then he contemplated waking him up before realizing the very talkative consequence he would have to face, This was getting ridiculous! His rivals would laugh at him if they saw him now, a nomad scarf around his neck in the cold, wet snow, trapped in his own portal.

He grasped Wander’s frame in one hand, tempting to squeeze it and just wait for it to pop. The alien was so small and fragile compared to him. If he just had a small carrier that could hold him in, then Hater could just climb this stupid hill and finally go to sleep. He had no pockets to put Wander in, and he knew the hat was no longer an option.

Then Hater realized.

His hood.

Relief hit him for two seconds before he recognized the repercussions of his idea. Wander would be right next to his skull, snoring obnoxiously close to his nonexistent ear. He'd have to feel Wander’s breath dance around the back of his neck, his fur against the bone of his occipital bone.

It didn't matter once they got to the top of the hill, though. With a grunt, Hater moved the nomad to his hood, stuffing the nomad inside.

The touch felt...weird.

It wasn't bad, per se, it just released a sensation that the skeleton hasn't felt before. It sent tingles down his vertebrae and through his chest where his small heart lay. He felt his heartbeat start to increase with each breath Wander made. The skeleton slowly felt his eyes slipping closed, having never felt this sensation before. It wasn't began to lose his balance until he realized what was happening, that Wander had an effect on him.

The skeleton immediately shook his head, fighting to stay awake.

Climb the hill and go to sleep, he reminded himself.

He picked up Wander’s hat, placing it on his head before starting up the steep slope.

The further they went up, the harsher the winds blew. Thick white snow fell quickly, making it harder for the skeleton to see what was around him. Every now and then, he checked his hood to make sure that the nomad hadn't fallen out, or grab to the top of his head to see if the hat was still there. He'd almost slipped twice, one due to poor footing and the other when the nomad made a soft noise in his ear, startling him. But eventually, they made it, Hater flopping on the ground immediately after getting on the flat surface. Grop he was so tired.

He knew he had to move, but he felt too comfortable. The ruler was almost asleep until he heard the nomad make a small noise, the small body vibrating against his neck in sync with the sound.

Right, he wasn't alone.

And of grop, was he purring?

Hater stood up, groaned, and walked further into the cave. It was dark and could've possibly been filled with horrendous monsters that Hater filled with pit with, but at this point he didn't care. Luckily, they weren't accompanied by any dangerous creature except for a few bats here and there.

The cave had a small log in it, probably left from one of the villains camping out here before. With a small amount of effort, Hater struck it with his lightning and the wood began to spread light through the cave. With much effort, Hater finally got the nomad off of him and placed him next to the fire, throwing his hat next to him.

He lazily went to the other side of the fire, finding a small stone he could place his head on. He lied faced away from the alien, not even wanting to think about the furball after all this trouble he put him through. His eyes started to close gently, and he let out a relieved sigh.

Finally, he thought. He could get some sleep.

…

…

...

Then the chattering started.

The yell that echoed from the cave was enough to shake the ground, the skeleton fuming with green electricity surrounding his form. He grabbed the alien and began shaking him furiously.

“Are you flarping serious?” He screamed at the still sleeping nomad, “I come all this way through a blizzard, climb a steep flarping hill, and start a fire and you're still cold?”

He thought of electrocuting the traveler, because that'll solve both his frustration (by frying his insides) and make Wander warm (by -again-  frying his insides), but the nomad acted as he did earlier. He wrapped his arms around Hater and the chattering stopped abruptly. It was as if the villains anger short circuited, and curiosity sparked as he held Wander away from him. The clicking of teeth started again but slowly died off when the skeleton brought Wander towards him. He repeated his a few more times before catching on.

Hater made Wander feel warm.

Oh, gross.

But how? Hater didn't have any heat, he didn't even know what warm felt like. He knew the effects of it, knows that it's painful and efficient for destroying his enemies. But other than that, he didn't know. Unless...

Hater sighed and let the nomad hug him again. Wander placed his head in the crook of Hater’s neck, softly breathing upon it. A shock of some sort went through Hater’s body in a way where he knew it wasn't his electricity. The feeling only grew more intense as the nomad began to purr, snuggling up against the ruler.

What was weird was that Hater didn't hate the feeling. Sure, he was disgusted by it, any display of affection made him sick to his stomach, but the feeling was somewhat pleasant. He felt himself grow more comfortable in the alien's arms, and almost like magic, he slid onto the floor with no thought at all.

The skeleton knew that Peepers would die at the sight, but Hater was too tired to care. It's not like anyone would see them holding each other like this, and if they did, Hater wouldn't hesitate to obliterate them. The tingly sensation had officially taken over his whole body, and Hater realized that he and Wander were breathing in sync. He was never going to hear the end of it when he woke up, knowing the traveler would be ecstatic to know that he and Hater had cuddled. Hater didn't move though, he couldn't.

It wasn't his fault that his enemy felt so warm.

[iprefermyanarchycolorcoded]

I wrote a short story

The buzz of the city was overpowering, being from the slums originally Adam had a hard time dealing with the noise of the business district outside of the rare occasion he would run a deal for Papa. It suited him all the more, people in the slums didn't have time for as much prejudice as common folk did. And having purple skin, black eyes, and two horns bigger than those on the goats head of a Chimera opened him up for plenty of slurs and attacks from the “Pure-breeds.”

However being here was a necessity albeit an extremely taxing one. If he was going to take on an entire Necropolis he needed first a Cleric that could be bought, and second as much holy water and godly paraphernalia (shiver at the thought) as he could get his hands on. And Vigil was exactly the place to find those, well hopefully.

“A few cold Iron golems wouldn't hurt on second thought.” He muttered to himself as he walked past the plethora of temples and shrines.

“Pharasma won't work. They'll have their hands on their symbols screaming holy obscenities before I can even get the word mummy out, can't do Caiden Cailen I would need 3 barrel's of Ale a day just to keep their short attention spans focused. Perhaps Iomadae?” Then he looked at himself and giggled a little “I'd wake up with my intestines as garters.”

Ugh he thought to himself Why does it have to be undead?! Why cant it just be goblins or even trolls although smelly trolls are rather easy once you show them you can fly on a cloud of fire. And Goblins may be stupid but they're not feral; shrink down so you don't look like a “Longshank” and throw em some meat, you'd have more than enough time to sneak out with whatever you needed. My life couldn't be that easy though could it. Literally the one thing my spells are virtually useless against.

That's it! He thought I go to Irori challenge a cleric he loses in a caster's duel, as he almost objectively could not succeed and then I only have to pay him enough to cover basic wages. He worked his way to the market place and began to sift through his grimoire and choosing which spells to use to humiliate whatever poor “pure-breed” accepted his proposal.

Sitting down near the fountain he tried to focus but kept having his focus broken by the guards yammering In the nearby alley way.

“I'm not lying there are demons crawling all over the piss pen!”

“There is no way demons got into the city without raising some form of alarm or panic that's ridiculous.”

“Look I wouldn't piss on a rock and call it rain, i'm telling you I saw something trash that house and it wasn't human.”

It was then they seemed to notice Adam listening in on their stage whisper conversation.

“What are you looking at black-blood, take your demon eyes elsewhere or ill shove you in the dungeon.”

Adam really did try not to laugh, but sometimes arrogance has it's detriments. “Boys I hate to break it to you but I could erase you from existence before tea time and have your families believing you never existed before dinner.” He stood up and clapped his book shut somehow managing to make even that sound snooty.

He started to walk towards them muttering a few words they surely couldn't understand under his breathe. They began to draw their swords but as they did they herd a firm and distinctly feline voice aggressively meow in their direction. They turned and saw nothing completely missing the small scraggly ball of fur purring below their noses. They turned back just in time to see the fiend step into the air and disappear entirely.

“Damn wizards and their cosmic bullshit.” Egrin mumbled.

“You're just mad because Ellis ran away with that witch doctor.” Rinald chuckled immediately regretting as his face became the new perching spot for Egrins fist.

“Not cool man. You said you wouldn't bring it up anymore.”

Adam chuckled from a nearby rooftop honestly applauding their ability to enjoy simpleton life. If only the gods had blessed with stupidity. He let out a heavy sigh and began to run toward the piss pen, it was notorious for its smell because that particular part of the slums didn't have a water duct system for their waste like the rest of the city forcing them to defecate in select areas of the city. Although most of them were far too hopped up on Bloodbrush to pay attention and mostly just went wherever they had fallen.

The guards didn't go there much because of the smell leaving the area at the mercy whatever thug was the current “Owner” of the territory.

Detestable but unavoidable. Maybe its a good thing I was smart enough to get out. Not the time Adam, if demons are really running through the piss pen it wouldn't take long before people started dying or depending on the circumstance more were lured out into our plane.

Adam smelled his target long before he reached it. He pushed down the desire to turn around and forget all about this nonsense. It was practically a charity for him to look into this at all.

As soon as he hit the small cluster of huts that made up the neighborhood he could see most of the destruction, all of it was peculiarly... small. Not localized to one place but very small. One of the few times perplexed could be used to describe him. Unfortunately for him this was inopportune time to become lost in thought he didn't realize this however until a small crossbow bolt lodged itself firmly into his right shoulder.

“What in the 7 Pantheon is your problem?” he screamed immediately followed by a few arcane words giving life to a eagle in mid air who promptly removed the burden of the crossbow from the citizen. “Get you demon magic out of here fiend!” The small man shouted.

“Oh hush you spoiled cabbage patch.” It was just a local who had been spooked so there was no need for further education, ignorance leads to violence. It wasn't entirely his fault but he did need answers so he proceeded to half his eagle sweep the halfling up and pop him onto the roof next to him before the spell broke.

Popping out a finely crafted wand of his own making Adam spoke the command word healing the crossbow wound and then popping a few charges of the wand into the petite but filthy man next to him. Once he seemed satisfied by the healing the halfling calmed down and stopped his rather amusing attempts at threats.

“I need a rundown of what happened but make it fast and keep to facts. No conjecture or superstition. It wastes time and my small reservoir of patience.”

Struggling to do as Adam asked but giving it a valiant effort Heither tried to recall exactly what he saw and the best he could do, sticking to facts only of course, was to explain that sometime that morning a small hut towards the center of the cluster had begun to smell. More so than usual so a few of the Copper Viper Crew went to take care of it and they claimed to have seen 4 small ape like creatures fly out of the hut spewing fetid clouds from their mouths and destroying everything in their path. Oh also they were about the size of the halfling. Allegedly he added, a light burn to the small creatures pride.

“Do we know who lives in the hut?” Adam interrogated.

“A kid named Kugak and his parents, but they're juiced up most of the time on Ale and Bloodbrush so they aren't usually home.”

“How old is young Kugak?”

“I think he just turned 12? but I cant be sure he usually sticks to himself swiping books and scrolls from stands and libraries to read. I spoke with him once and he mentioned something about becoming a powerful wizard someday.”

“Of course he did. Wheres the hut?”

Leading Adam to the hut Heither couldn't help but be fearful for the kid. Muttering a few arcane words as Adam entered he was followed in by a small pack of wolves that Heither was absolutely positive were not there on their way to the building.

Confirming Heithers suspicion Adam became to speak to the canines. “Sweep the place, find the smell and bring them back here, and you kid get out here that spell isn't going to fool anyone besides those damn Dretches.” As he finished his sentence the wolves seemed to find the scent and dashed out of the room a rod in Adam's hand illuminating.

Simultaneously the wall on the eastern side of the building shimmered and faded as a young boy with green skin and very pronounced Tusks stepped out looking ashamed. “This isn't what I wanted im so sorry!” He stuttered as he broke out into sobs.

“Stop! You made a mess and you need to focus on cleaning it up. Tears are decidedly less necessary when you realize they'll only get you killed.” He grabbed him by the chin and lifted his face up. “Mother or father?”

“What?” The boy asked confused.

“Which one was the orc?” Adam asked looking at his features?

“M-my dad, it was a raid or something mom doesn't talk about it she just kind of drinks a lot.”

“Yeah, that'll happen, anyway what did you do?”

“I don't know I was-” Adam immediately cut him off.

“That's a steaming pile of horse shit, you were smart enough to get 4 demons from the abyss onto this plane you can piece together an idea of what happened.”

“There was a scroll, that this guy gave me. I was trying to ask him about magic because he said he was a wizard and he said I could use it and get enough money to get out of the slums.”

“You believed him?!” Adam asked as he smacked him on the side of the head. “Repeat after me, We do not accept strange magical items from men we don't know.”

“We do not accept strange magical items from men we don't know.” He managed to get out despite his lip getting caught on his fang.

“Good not hold this wand.”

“Ok-”

“NO!” WOP, he smacked him again. “Did you learn nothing?”

“Oh i'm sorry.”

“Dear Lords Child, what is your name?”

At this point Heither spoke up “This is the boy I was telling you-”

“Silence he is an able bodied individual he can speak for himself.” Heither shrank back into the background obviously irritated.

“Uh im uhm Kugak sir.”

“Kugak what?” Adam asked looking at the boy down his spectacles.

“Just uh, Kugak sir.” He said ashamed.

“Seeing the demeanor shift Adam changed the topic, ok where is the binding circle?”

“The what?” Heither and Kugak asked Simultaneously?

“You used a summoning scroll without a binding circle, of course you did,” Adam began to mutter to himself while walking around the building grabbing some small things out of his bag, “then again you weren't ENTIERLY at fault,” shooting Kugak a glance,

“So what are we gonna do?” Heither asked wondering if the Tiefling was all bark or not.

Running through his options Adam looked at the boys again. Seeing a hilt on Heither's side he asked him “How good are you with that sword?”

“I'm the best halfling in my clergy?” He said tentatively.

“Well that's not the worst thing i've heard today, whats it made out of?”

“Cold Iron I believe.” He pulled the blade out and swung it a few times, letting it whistle as it cut the air. “I've never actually checked, because I haven't actually used it before....”

“Oh heavens.” Adam thought to himself, he just might become religious if the day continued on much longer.

“You, do you know how to use a wand?” Looking at Kugak.

“You point and you say the right word, basically right?” Kugak asked.

“Good job kid, take this” He handed it to Kugak. However The child stared back tentatively.

“You said I wasn't supp-” Adam groaned hearing this.

“That's correct, hello my name is Adam and now we're best friends so take this and do as I say.” This time Kugak apprehensively took the small piece of wood from him. “Now point at that bottle and say firmly but respectfully, SMAAZ!”

The wand sparked to life in his hand, three quick red bolts flew out destroying the bottle. Kugak excitedly began to jump up and down. “I did it! I did something right!”

Had Adam not heard the wolves in the distance he would have allowed to boy the small triumph but this needed to be done shortly before the guard arrived.

“Ok listen, the spell that is chasing the dretches toward us is about to fail when we head out there Heither you and Kugak need to focus your attacks on one at a time. Its the fastest way to dispose of them effectively without a binding circle we'll have to dispose of them the old fashion way. The bolts will not miss as long as you stay focused on a single target. I will keep the rest as busy as I can while you focus them. Are you ready you pint sized little churls?”

Heither spoke up, “I mean no not really.” he was calming the tremors in his hands. “I'm assuming there isn't much of a choice in the matter since a demon is telling me what to do.”

“Watch it hopper.” He narrowed his eyes, Heither’s response to the slur was to also narrow his.

Feeling his spell fade he walked out into the slums the two small ones trailing behind him. Remember what I said and you probably won’t die. They stood in a line watching as not 4 but 7 small beasts with hairless ape like bodies came crashing to a stop about 30 feet in front of them. They began to raise themselves off of the ground focusing onto Adam and his compatriots. Clouds of yellow fetid air seeping out of their snarls as their lips curled over their broken and discolored teeth. Adam thought for a moment that maybe he should send the others back inside, the beasts claws were far more intimidating than he remembered. The patchy hair at least would give the boys the notion that they were unarmored. Seeing the trepidation in them Adam began to speak.

“Lesson 1, Dretches are entirely immune to electricity and poison and resistant to most other forms of attacks like most demons from the abyss. Therefore Stab and my shoot pint sized princes” He then flipped his book open and thumbed through some pages and the dretches zeroed in on the three of him. “Aha, I knew it was in here, sruzmy vorv wzrilqdy, oudzm,” As he finished the words he looked up from the page and watched as his spell took form. Below the creatures Red tentacles began to lift from the ground and wrap themselves around the beasts catching many but not all. “You know its quite satisfying using a spell you made yourself, im going to stand here and appreciate my handy work while you two do, WHAT I TOLD YOU TOO!”

Adams raised voice caused the others to spring to life, the Halfling sped forth launching himself into the nearest freed beast opting for a whirlwind of small attacks and enough agility to avoid most of the feral swipes instead of a frontal “Stand your ground”-esque strategy. as Kugak shouted with maybe a little too much gusto “SMAAZ.” Watching with glee as the targets found their mark right as Heither sunk his blade into the beast causing it to go limp. Two more immediately replaced it but Adam felt as though they could handle them just fine, if not he could always patch them up after. Pulling his crossbow out of his belt he wove another spell and watched as two large, maybe a little too large, snakes wove into creation. He would definitely have to look into the spell later to make sure it was cast properly.

Hearing a cacophony of command words and cackling from the two beasts attacking Heither he was surprised to see the green halfing moving with astonishing grace. Avoiding almost every attack without a mistep. Almost like the thieves he had seen in Cheliax. He watched as two of his snakes began to squeeze the life out of some the beasts he had snagged with his initial spell and aimed Tanglevine, his exquisitely crafted crossbow, at one of the ones desperately fighting with the tentacle prison he was in. He zoned in and let loose an enchanted bolt, hearing the magic sizzle as it made impact was always so satisfying. Watching the creature phase into another plane was just as sweet. Reloading he noticed that the other two were still dealing with their share of the problem.

Wanting to be annoyed at the delay he decided to focus on his task and let another bolt loose sending another one presumably into one of the elemental planes. That would be ideal anyway. Regardless he didn't care as long as they were out of the Piss-Pen before the Guards could be bothered to come help the poor folk. Finishing the other two he was strangely satisfied to see that the boys had completed their objective.

Releasing his spell in time to see the guard headed that direction he shouted out, “Hey you two over here now.” Grabbing both their hands he quickly muttered a few words and they were immediately in another part of town. “So, that went much better than expected, I was fully anticipating at least one lost limb.”

“Where are we?” Heither said looking around aggressively.

“Somewhere in Vigil i'm just not sure where.”

“We're near all the bars, we're still pretty close to the piss pen.” Kugak said head down again.

“How do you know that?” Adam inquired.

“Thats the tavern my mom gets drunk in.” He said pointing to a small building with a sign that said The Cornfed Maiden.

“Classy.” Adam said under his breathe. “Come with me.” He took Kugak by the hand and walked toward the tavern.

“No wait I don’t want to go in there, she doesn't like to see me.” He said digging his feet into the ground.

“Hmm well,” Adam fished around in his bag for a moment. “This bag has 50 Gold pieces in it, you have two options. You take it in there and hand it to your mother and tell her that a Wizard of great power has agreed to train you but you will be leaving and most likely not returning for years if not ever and that gold is for the cost of purchasing her son. In which case I will see you at the town gate at sundown. Or you take this Gold and do whatever you want with it and I never see you again. The choice is yours and I hope you make a decision that you do not regret.” With that Adam turned around magically shifting his clothes into a hood and robes.

He got about fifty feet away before a small Heither runs up to him. “What was that? You can't just spring something like that on a kid and walk away like it's no big deal! You really are a demon.”

“You are incorrect on both accounts, first I am only partly demon, or rather tainted by demonic blood. Secondly,” and he stopped to look at the Halfling, “I absolutely can do this. I was born and raised in slums and I fought tooth and nail to get out. That child obviously has the potential to become something. Maybe not a Wizard but something. His mother doesn't care about him proven by the complete abandon that led to him literally opening a hole to the abyss into the middle of Vigil. If he comes with me I will teach him and train him and he will have the skills to do anything he wants in life instead of living in a literal pile of piss and shit waiting for the dysentery to set in. Now if you'll kindly excuse me I have to go find a Cleric willing to travel with a Tiefling.”

As he started to walk away Heither kept pace and asked “Wait why do you need a cleric, you obviously can handle yourself without any help? Also why did you ask for help you didn't need.”

“I didn't need it, but the boy did. The best way to deal with guilt is to actively do something to combat the wrong you did so I gave him that option. I asked you to help so I didn't have to hover over him and make him feel like he didn’t help.” He didn't want to mention that his motivations were also to see how well the halfling could handle himself in combat. “Speaking of, I forgot to get my damn wand back from him.”

“That's actually kind of … well kind.” Heither said astonished.

“Of course it is, everything I do is well thought out and flawless.”

“You are also incredibly humble.” Heither muttered with heavy sarcasm.

“Humility isn't needed when you can shape the fabric of reality with a few words.” Adam retorted.

“I disagree pretty heavily but back on previous points, why do you need a cleric?” Heither retorted.

“Why are you asking?” Adam said stopping, trying to not let satisfaction hit him before it was appropriate.

“Because I may know of one interested.”

“I need to hire one to accompany me into a Necropolis to recover an artifact I need.”

“Necropolis?”

“A city overflowing with undead creatures and energies.”

“And you just expect a Clergy member to fawn over your prowess and fall head over heels in love with your quest.”

Continuing to walk Adam replied “I'm no fool, I intend to pay them as well as make a heavy donation to the church of their choosing out of the loot pulled in the Necropolis.”

“What if I told you I recently finished my magical training and was interested in accompanying you if for no other reason than to make sure you feed the kid regularly.”

“I would say that these were a very fortunate series of events for me.” His hood hiding his smug facial expression.

“And how do you know Kugak is going to be at the gate at Dusk?”

“Because I could smell the ambition on him, partner. So go get your stuff together, leave this as a donation so your church doesn't get a belly ache and- You don't worship Pharasma, Iomadae, or Caiden Cailen? Do you?”

“Sarenrae actually.... Why?

“Oh no reason” Adam looked at the Halfling suddenly excited for the first time in a long time to be traveling with someone and said as he flapped his robes to the side spinning almost too dramatically. “See you at dusk!”