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manifesting-mari · 2 years

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Not So Morning Pages 1/19/2023

I’m thinking a lot about my religious wounding and the ways i’ve been made to think there needs to be a bad guy and a good guy. That there needs to be a victim and perpetrator. I saw that being modeled growing up. I was either a good girl or a bad girl. My parents were always playing the victim of their circumstances. I think that’s why i went into this uber confident, uber power hungry kind of person. I had myself larger in order ot get my needs met, but i did not become whole. I left behind the parts of me that were truly victimized or the parts of me that felt victimized and for the past few months i’ve been really sitting with those parts of me. The parts that feel unseen and unheard. The parts that feel shame for having feelings. The parts that crave control and manipulate in order to feel secure. I’m grateful for this practice of being able to dig out whats there and lay them out in front of me.

A few weeks ago Tiz shared a clip of a video with me of a podcast where a man basically said what ive been telling him for months about how being right isnt necessarily the goal or the best way to get your point across to someone. And then he mentioned how in the full video the man talks about MLK, Ghandi, and Malcolm X saying how they were impactful due to their religious connection vs the left now that isnt grounded in faith. I feel that is correct. I feel that there is a subset of the left that has no connection to spirit, and in that it is the same shallow endeavor as teh right who are just manipulating religion in order to feel their own narratives. I’m wondering what needs to happen for the left to come into a more heart centered space? I also see how more likely than not, people on the left are the ones who are still grieving and processing their own religious trauma and the right’s use of religion directly triggers that pain and anger that needs to be processed.

How can we shift from being the victim to becoming empowered? What are other roles besides oppressed and oppressor? I was talking to Jordan about this this morning and i’m grateful for his perspective and insight. I didn’t even realize the ways i was perpetuating the cycle of victimhood within myself. I am no longer a victim, i am a survivor. I truly am a survivor of physical abuse. That shit isnt talked about more seriously and that hurts my soul. My heart breaks for the children and people who are still stuck in relationships where corporal punishment is the norm. How do we even begin to heal that? I can’t solve the world’s problems. Thats the first thing to come to terms with. I can only shift myself and embody a new paradigm. The first step is to choose to process my anger from my past in a safe and trusted space. Somewhere where i know i can be held, heard, and seen in my process. The next step is to give love to the parts of me that are still hurting and in pain. Today I dont feel that pain as much. Now that i’m letting go of the victim narative i can feel the tension around my heart subsiding. If i am not the victim, what am i? What can i be? Jordan said i could be at peace. Wow. what a concept. Lol that person knows what theyre saying lol.

What does peace feel like in my body? Well, first it feel uncomfortable. It feel like i shouldnt be at peace. It feels like i need to be fighting. But that need to fight does not me i dont want peace, it just means there still soemthing thats resisting. Resistance. Thats what always comes up for me in my journeys. Theres a part of me thats resisting to relax. Thats scared to relax. That feels guilty for relaxing. And now that i’m typing and reading these out, they seem funny. It seems

Lol i literally got distracted by my phone lol so tricky and clever, the parts of me that LOVE to kick and scream. That want something to be angry about because i have anger in my body that was never processed in a healthy way, so it want to come out in this victim narrative. I’ma victim of the system, i’m someone who peolpe leave. These narratives are blocks that keep me away from the peace that i wish to feel. I’m going to now be more aware of thes enarratives and try my best to catch them when they come up. I am empowered, i am secure in myself and in my knowing. I am now going to be observant of when peace comes up. AN dmaybe peace is feeling all fo that resistence and being at peace at its there. Peace and acceptance i think are like siblings. Peace is allowing the world to be what it is. Peace is allowing yourself to be who you are. I’m open to being wrong since this peace thing is a new thing i’m feeling.

I remeber last night i said “I just wanna be good.” what does good mean? I think i am good. I am a good person who tries her nest to be kind and loving to others and herself. I think good at some level means comfortable. I’ve become very comfortable with the uncomfrotable. I think thats my super power. But i can notice some things that make me uncomfortable and i quickly jump away from them. There is a part fo me that wants to indulge these feeling and let them play out. I think tahts teh existential Kink part of me. The insecurity, the sadness, the victimhood. They want to play out becaus ethey were never played out before. I think taking my time by myself to allow those feelings to play out is a good practoce for me right now. Not being reactive and just feeling. Giving myself time to not react. Knowing when i need to ask for support vs looking for escape.

Thats been another thing i’ve been observing. Support vs. escape. I’m very grateful i have people and place sthat i know i can go to for support. I am grateful for the places of trust that i have.a nd i have so many. I am also grateful for myself that i choose to be trusting and honest the best that I can. I can see the ways where in the past i did a lot of escaping and running. Escaping from myself. My hatred for myself. My own thoughts and feelings. I was my own bully, i was the oppressor and teh oppressed. Now i choose to be neither. I choose to be a healer.

I am a healer. I am not a victim. I am a healer. I am not a perpetrator. I am a healer. I am nto a good or bad person. I am a healer. I heal myself. I focus on healing and loving myself. I focus on healing the severed parts of myself to become whole with the divine that i know is part of me and part fo everyone else. When I’m not healing, I’m a human being having fun and enjoying all the things i can feel and experience in this human body. I came here to experience. To feel. To explore and expand. I came here to have fun and play. I cam here to love and to be loved.

I’ve been working of receiving. Receiving things from people. Receiving love. I can feel the tension that i still have around love. The narrative that i dont deserve love has lost a lot of its mental power, and even in my body i am become more aware of it. I am grateful that I am able to stop and pause and notice when my body is feeling activated and know that I can change the old narratives on the spot. Before when i was intimate with someone and i would get activated the narrative was “this feels go good its gonna end, i;m never gonna feel this way ever again.” but now i can catch myself when i’m feeling active and say “this feels really good and i just need to catch my breath and allow it to feel good.”

I was really activated the other day when trying to figure out all the stuff for my home renovation. I felt so uncomfortable receiving money from my mom. I felt so guilty receiving that i can now see the ways that i was projecting that guilt on to her. I want to be the person who can sit there and listen to someone else go through what theyre going through and be able to be with them in their experience. Also noticing the parts of me that want me to be present for my own experience. Just being. I dont have to change or fit anything right now. Just be. I trust that i know when is the right time to remove or transmute. I trust that my body knows what is right. The more i listen to my body, the more i make better choices for myself. Noticing when i’m activated and not immediately making a move has been such a pleasure. Actually giving myself time to be present for my own experience rather than trying to escape it. And i know i will still have some subconscious patterns that will try to take me away front he experience because it feels like its too much to deal with.

I don’t need to force myself to heal, the healing will happen on its own. I am present for my healing and i am committed to notice the ways where i am escaping and getting int he way of my own healing. When i am resisting the change that wants to happen. Now that i have become so much more aware than in the past, i know that trying to fight what is naturally happening is futile and unsustainable. I know now what helps for me is being present and listening and feeling what is happening. My body keeps the score, and also my body knows what to do. There is a bigger intelligence than my brain, my whole nervous system that helps control glands and organs and muscles that are performing subconsciously. My body is doing the work, i just dont need to get in its way. But i can help it. I can take care of it, love it. Feed it healthy foods. Treat it with care and compassion. Put into it things that bring more clarity and love. I am no longer oppressing my body. I am caring for it and loving it and trusting it.

#morning pages #the artists way

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dylanobrienisbatman · 3 years

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The main problem with the whole mal vs the darkling thing in regards to being possessive (or really when it comes to any of their traits) is the fact that throughout, the darkling is clearly framed as the villain and his actions reflect that, whereas Mal as supposed to be the good guy and best romantic partner for Alina, and yet he has all these awful character traits and tendencies. So its less about how awful the Bad Guy is (since he's supposed to be), and more about how awful the person that we're supposed to believe is the best option for Alina is. I don't ship either, just my two cents.

Okay well... two things. First, your comment about "its less about how awful the bad guy is, since he's supposed to be", takes every comment I've made about Darkles out of context, which seems fitting since everything Darklina's spout about Mal is out of context. Him being the Bad Guy is fine, and if you like him AS A VILLAIN, and acknowledge all the bad shit he does, then my posts aren't for you. I think he's a very interesting villain, and a lot of the terrible shit he does that I have to keep making posts about make him a good villain, the problem is when the terrible shit the "Bad Guy" does is romanticized and viewed as the reasons why Alina SHOULD have picked him. So, don't assume everyone gets that "hes supposed to be awful". The point my post was making is that Darklina's love to call Mal possessive, but then turn around and act like Darkles literally enslaving her in somehow sexy and romantic. It's fucking not, and it's transparent as hell that y'all romanticize and sexualize the actually possessive character, and then project false character traits onto Mal. It's so transparent, it's almost funny.

But, more importantly, to your second, very wrong point, I wonder how much of the narrative about Mal having "awful character traits and tendencies" is actually a commentary on Mal as a character, or is it just Darklina's lying about things Mal has done and everyone accepting that misinterpretation as canon. Because, if were making a list...

Fuck boy - False! Mal was not a fuck boy! He was an attractive teenager who hooked up with consenting girls his age when he could, and he was not in a relationship during that time. Alina had never told him how she felt, so he is not beholden to her. (Also, nobody seems to have an issue with the fact that Darkles hooked up with Zoya in the show, that doesn't make HIM a fuckboy... interesting) (also also, nobody seems to discuss Darkles literally sexually assaulting Alina, and lying and manipulating her to get her to be physically intimate with him so he can use her... double interesting).

Slut Shames Alina - FALSE! The ever favourite callout line from Darklina's "He's all over you" isn't him slut shaming her. First, he has no idea what their relationship is like at that point, but more importantly, he is making an observation of her status in the little palace and how she has become his tool. He has dressed her up in his colors, made her put on a show for his benefit, and has created a situation where Alina appears to be his. Mal is noting that after months of searching for her, believing she was being hurt, tortured, or worse, when he arrives to save her, she looks like the Darkling's pet. (and, even if he WAS angry because he perceived them to be romantically involved, boy just spent months fighting for his life, lost multiple friends, and almost died to find her, all while coming to the realisation that he was in love with her, and then he shows up, after not hearing from her for months... I'd be pissed as hell too.) Important Note: He even acknowledges that what he said was wrong and tries to apologise, before Alina tells him that he was right. (Shadow and Bone, pg. 286). He also then apologizes, completely unprompted, for what he said. (Shadow and Bone, pg. 297).

Fat Shames Alina - False! This one is particularly laughable to me, because its one of the Darklina arguments that falls apart the second you actually read the scene. They are running for their lives in the forest, and Mal has to hunt and gather to feed them. He is noting that Alina's appetite has increased since he last saw her, and he makes a joke (ya know, how you do with friends) about how it would be easier to keep her fed if she still had her more meager appetite from before. He makes no comment on her weight, or her size, and he is not actually commenting on her appetite in a negative way, he is just acknowledging that it's a lot more work for him now that she eats more. Right before he says the line, the quote even proves that he isn't shaming her or thinking badly of her: "With a bemused expression, he watched as I gobbled down my portion and then sighed, still hungry". He is noting a change in her, and complaining that its made more work for him. If you think thats the same as fat shaming, well... thats a you problem.

Hates Alina's Powers - FALSE!!!! How to begin... do we talk about it was Mal's idea to hunt the stag in S&B, because he knew she needed it to be more powerful so she could stop the darkling? Do we talk about how he vowed to find the firebird for her, even though he was terrified of what all that power would do to her? Do we talk about how he literally died so she could achieve the power she needed to save the world? Or maybe we could talk about how he believed in her power more than anyone else, like when everyone was making bets about her abilities with the Cut and he knew she'd go further and better than anyone else expected her too, or when he tells her that he was never afraid of her powers, only what seeking all that power would do to her (which is literally the theme of the books, that power corrupts and seeking unmatched power can destroy you)? Mal being afraid of what is going to happen to Alina, being protective of her and worrying over her, is not the same as him hating her powers. He exists to help remind Alina of the themes of the story, and to guide her into maintaining her humanity.

Abusive - ... Do I even need to explain this one? Must I deign an explanation as to why this favourite Darklina lie is so fucking stupid, and also totally hypocrisy? No? Because we all know Darkles is actually the abusive one and they're trying to project their own shit onto Mal to further their abuse apologist agenda? Cool. Moving on.

Possessive of Alina - False! Throughout the entire series, Mal is quite literally the opposite of possessive, but yall just cant read. Not only does he quite literally step out of the way and allow Nikolai to court Alina without argument, which is the most direct example of him not being possessive, he also spends two full books believing, and repeatedly saying over and over and over, that they can't be together because he is not good enough for her. Mal believes, fully, that Alina deserves more than him, better than him, because he's just a tracker and a soldier, just a regular man with nothing to offer her but his love and his protection, and she is a Saint and should be a Queen. Possessiveness is the wish to own and control someone, it is literally the opposite of Mal believing that he's not good enough and doing everything he can to ensure that Alina achieves everything and gets everything he believes she is owed. A possessive character would not tell her to tell him to leave because he has nothing he can offer her, no title or land or country or crown. A possessive character would not promise to be the blade in her hand, because he believed he had nothing but the blood he could spill to offer her.

Angry - True! Yeah, omg, you caught us, Mal is ANGRY! Heaven forbid a teenager who is traumatized beyond belief and has to give up everything in his life, his position in the military (he deserted for her), his friends and the job he loved (Mikhail and Dubrov died for him, and he can't be a tracker in the army... because he deserted... for Alina), and, most importantly, he has to give up Alina (she should be Queen, he believes, and he has to give up the future he imagined with the girl he loves, who he was pretty sure loved him back, because she's a saint and queen and he's just a man), and more, is ANGRY. He has to be the one to find the amplifiers that he knows will end up hurting her, because thats what she needs to save the world. He has to sit by while Nikolai treats him like the dirt on his shoe and tries to woo Alina for his own personal gain (because Nikoalai did not love Alina. Maybe he came to care for her, but he proposed and spent all of S&S trying to get her to marry him when it was obvious they were not in love. He straight up says its so that the next King of Ravka can be married to the Sun Summoner. It's a power grab.) and he can't do anything about it. So yeah, Mal is angry. And yeah, sometimes he's even angry at Alina, just like sometimes she's angry at him. But they always find their way back, always apologize and try to be better for each other, and if you think anger is a toxic trait, and not simply a natural human emotion, might I suggest touching some fucking grass?

Idk why you thought I'd stand for Mal slander on my blog, cuz I will not. So, I'm gonna stop there, because I have shit to do today, but I really do wonder how much of Mal's 'toxic' or 'terrible' traits, that make him such a 'bad' love interest for Alina, really comes from Darklina's who refuse to actually read the text critically at all, and instead take everything he does and says out of context to further their agenda that Alina should have ended up as the Darkling's fucking slave forever, because thats the "girl power feminist" ending somehow. Mal supports her, loves her, sacrifices for her at every turn, and does everything he can do, to the point of literally dying for her, to ensure that she can defeat Darkles and save the world. He protects her, and when they end up happy and safe together on the orphange that they've rebuilt to help the children that were victims of Darkles war and genocide, he spends his days bringing her tea and cakes and flowers, kissing her silly under the stairs in the view of all the teachers, and calling her names like beauty, beloved, cherished, my heart for the rest of their ordinary life together, if love can ever be called that.

#Malina #anti darklina #malyen oretsev #mal oretsev #shadow and bone #if yall could just learn to fucking read... i am begging you

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yahoodarling · 3 years

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Atsushi X Male Mafia!Reader

Please do not read or interact if you are uncomfortable with this or are not 18+

Warning: Dark content, gore, Mafia, mentions of torture, murder, mental instability, noncon, and orphans(damn those orphans grrgrgrr)

An old post from my old account on a writing platform. If you recognise this, no you don't. Also! Status update! My irl friend found my page... Fuck.

Atsushi POV

Pain. I was sore. The floor beneath me had never felt so cold and hard as this. The marks on my back stung, my bones ached, tears building up in my eyes in the empty, foul smellimg room of my own blood and suffering. 'I'm hungry' I couldnt help think in a moment of silence in my mind. Suddenly, my beaten back felt relief, relief in the form of gentle taps of wet cloth against the open wounds.

"Hey hey, are you awake? Are you dead? That's no fun then." A voice entered my ears, waking me up from my minds haze. Hesitantly I replied, my voice strained from the crying and shouting I emmited just a few minutes ago. "Y-yea, I'm awake." I say back to the voice slowly trying to sit up to see whom the owner was. A boy sat before me, eyes looking dead at me in concern and mild interest.

"(Y/n)? What are you doing here?"

(Y/n), a boy just a few years older than myself. An orphan who was sent here after his parents were arrested for abuse and possession and trade of drugs.

"The Mister was very harsh on you. Did you do something wrong?"

"No, I don't know. I dont know why, I-" tears began to build in my eyes again Why? Why why why why why...

My body was in pain, I was cold on the floor, half dead for reasons I don't know, thats a lie. I know why, because i-

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

"GO DIE IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE!"

"USLESS GOOD FOR NOTHING!"

"beacuse I'm a worthless monster..."

He looked at me in utter confusion, eyes seeming to not understand what I just said. "Well I dont think thats it, but you dont need to worry anymore! I'm allowed here beind the church so every time I see you here I'll come help you okay?" After that it was silence, he quietly and delicately dressing my wounds with the soiled rag.

For the next few years it continued. The beatings, the insults, the pain. I only got to see him after those beatings, he had moved to another dorm so the only time I had to talk to him was while he dressed my wounds, eyes seeming eager to spend the time together almost seeming like he wanted me to be in pain just so that he could treat me, it was scary how eager he was to help but that was better then no help at all. So for years it continued till I was 14, then it stopped. I was on the floor again, cold, in pain and alone.

Your POV

Present

I closed my eyes as I let off a tired yawn, sleep crusting at the edges of my droopy eyes. Of course I was the one sent out to 'negotiate' with a neighbouring cities mafia. I exited the railway train, tired of the boring mission I was sent out on and had to spend 2 months away on.

"Oi, jackass." I looked back towards the voice, short structure, orange hair and pressed suit met my eyes. "I was told to fetch you like a damn babysitter incase you decided to run off with another man again or something" he huffed, clearly unamused and irritated for the waste of time. I simply shrugged off my fellow executives comment and made my way back to my 'beloved home', the Port Mafia.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

"So a lot has happened?" I say sitting across from the Boss, Mori. I had just been fulled in on what had happened between the were tiger and some foreign bastards called 'The Guild' after I gave my report of what happened on my mission.

"Yes yes. I'm so glad to have you back~" my questionable boss sang in joy. "I have so much work for you to do"

"Sure you do" I answered back, standing up to leave and cracking my hands to get ready for my next, soon to be bloody, 'negotiation'.

(L/n)(Y/n)

Ability: Motionless Art

Can stun a person for a desired amount of time if they physically touch the victim with the added contact of a form of paint.

Carries a small container of paint paste.

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"This is lovely." I sigh in sarcasm, walking down the cities streets. I had another mission, hunt down and interrogate the man whom was accused of leaking information from the Port Mafia to The Guild. The Port Mafia didnt take well to traitors so who best to send off to greet him than myself, the leading 'negotiator' of the organization. The one that took note, watched and soon took over from my last mentor, the late Osamu Dazai. After he left I was the next best inline for the job, my ability coming in handy a lot of the time. Stun my hostage, take them to my 'conversation closet' and from there do all I please with out the irritation of a frantically moving body beneath me. My favorite part of my job? The after care. Cleaning off the blood and looking back at the satisfactory wonds left on the barely conscious bodies, stitching up and almost loving them in some twisted way before they were sent off to be killed after we got what we wanted. Its that after care that was so important to me. Why? Hmm... Probably reminds me of my times with Atsus-... shi...

Before me was an older, healthier version of the boy I knew and loved so long ago who was the one to first get me into my crazy obsession of pain and care. My past orphan friend Atsushi Nakajima. Lob sided grey hair cut, cute fitting suit and still pure eyes which were widen in shock to the view infront of them, of me. Of course I had to note the person next to him. My ex-mentor, Dazai, a less bandaged and more smiley version of himself who seemed shocked at first and then relax.

"Oh, what a surprise. Nice to see you again~" the suicidal bastard sang. "Has Mori-San been putting you through a lot of work lately? I haven't seen you in ages. That little sadistic side of you must be so filled if you've been that busy to miss out on all the fun the Port Mafia, Armed Detective Agency AND Guild have been up to recently." He began to gently laugh and then turn to a still frozen Atsushi.

"Oh right! You haven't met my new little mentee yet? This is Atsushi, or as you know him as, the WereTiger. Atsushi, this is (l/n)(y/n) the most insensitive, sadistic, inhuman persecuter in the Port Mafia, my ex-mentee and also general man whore of Yokohama." Swallowing my bottled emotions of 4years I looked away from my past joy and at Dazai, "Thanks for the compliment considering you were the one to raise me like this"

"Me? Oh no that sadistic side of yours has always been there. You see Atsushi, when (l/n)-. Huh what's wrong?"

Atsushi was standing on the side streets, tears littering his sweet face and eyes quivering in confusion, guilt and pain. I couldn't help it, it was a habit of mine. I see someone in pain and I care for them, enjoying every moment of it.

I had Atsushi in my arms, embracing him in a tight hug and holding his head close to my chest as he let out tears staining my shirt in his misery of finding out what his friend had become. Dazai of course had tried to stop me getting close to him in fear I was going to attack him but the way I held on, held on to the only person who got me through that hell of an orphanage with our small conversations and 'bonding' times, could clearly convincnce anyone I meant not harm. Why would I want to? I was always there to help him recover, it was embranded into my very soul. He was the only person I could never hurt...right?

"(Y/n)...(Y/n)" he cried, finally saying something "Is it really you? It can't be. All those awful things Dazai said, they couldnt belong to you. Not the person who helped me for so long. Not the person who held to my limp body so carefully. No, that can't be you." Clutching my sides tighter, "After so long... I don't want to see you like that!"

I stood still, no tears escaping my eyes no matter how much it hurt. "I never knew. I never knew you were the WereTiger. I never knew I'd see you again. I never wanted to see you again because I knew that if i did it mean you had put yourself in danger somehow. Why? Why are you here? Why you. You were meant to get out and have a life you lived, a safe one with a happy job and happy friends. I'm so sorry you had to find out about me like this... Atsushi, I still love you." I continued to nuzzle my face into his soft hair, surrounding myself into his warmth and scent. This was the love I had been looking for for so long. After leaving Atsushi at the orphanage the only pleasure I felt was that of inflicting harm and then treating said harm. I had indulged myself in many men and women looking for some form of happiness other than sick pleasure, but I had always been like that. Even when I met Atsushi when we were kids, the satisfaction I got when treating him was the only joy I had in that place and it seemed that thanks to that the only way I could ever feel sane love was by being in the company of my best childhood friend, Atsushi Nakajima.

"Atsushi... I can presume you know (l/n)?" Dazai finally chipped in after watching from a distance. Atsushi stirred, lifting his red eyed tear stained face from my chest to look at Dazai. "Yes-yes" he croaked," he's my guardian angel, my best friend, my... My only hope in the darkness and hell of the orphanage. He's my first love even if he is an 'imotionless monster'. I want to-"

Dazai stood serious and dead emotionless, a face I knew well.

"He's wanted dead by more than just the Special Division of Ability Users. This man has done evil even someone like me would think twice of. You may of had a bond in your past but now, this man is nothing but a torture loving mess of what once was a human. He may still show compassion to you, but to others, you might as well be screaming to a wall. Atsushi, leave, go back to the office. Remember him as you did before and forget about this whole encounter."

Atsushi began to shake, clinging on for dear life to my shirt as he shut his eyes in misery and confusion. "No, NO! We- we can help him. Like we did Kyouko. Kyouko killed people too but we accepted her. She changed. We can help him too!"

At this point I had to grab hold of his shoulder, he had said enough delusions. "I can't. I enjoy being in the mafia. After what happened, after I was sent there, it was the only place I could hurt and heal as I pleased. Our encounters at the orphanage, I'm not going to lie, I loved seeing you like that, messed and broken, someone below me whom I could fix all up and then feel such satisfaction. After doing that for so long it just became a built in desire of mine, the only exception was that I wasnt the one who harmed you. I didnt cause that pain, only treated it. So unlike my victims, to you I can only help, not hurt, its like an invisible wall preventing me from causing any misery or pain. So many ways, so many ways I could throw you back into that position of agaony but intensified to a humans limit, yet, your the only one I couldnt do that to. The only things I have in my life are you and the process of pain and pleasure. Since I cant have you due to my reputation all I can fall back onto is the Mafia." I smiled as he looked at me in shock and heartbreak, no wonder though.

Dazai had to come back into the conversation, control it as he always did, "Atsushi, let go. You see what I mean. Someone like him can't be cured by just happy vibes. I know that as a fact. He has to be contained. Someone like him can only cause more twisted pain. Remember who you are! You are Atsushi Nakajima! Member of the Armed Detective Agency!"

And with that Atsushi was taken out of my arms and pulled to the side tears beginning to dry on his face. Instead Dazai stood before me, intense look in his eyes threatening my very existence.

"Well Atsushi, I hope to never see you again. All I can ask is this. Leave the Armed Detective Agency. Leave Yokohama. Leave this life and find a better one beacuse if you stay... You'll break my wish and leave me in more pain everytime I see your face." With that I began to walk away, crying figure behind me as it slouched into Dazais arms.

I still have work to do, pleasure to explore and blood to spill.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I arched my back in pleasure, pain freaking havoc in my regions as the body above me panted like a wild animal. Hopping like a crazed bunny that couldnt help chasing after false pleasure, one my mind and emotions ignored but body craved.

"H-hey, (fake name), s-slow down i-" cutting him off I just threw myself in him harder, crushing my thighs on his sensitive hole, no doubt causing shock and discomfort to run through him.

"Ha-ha, Atsushi~"

Him on the ground, blood smeared across his face and limbs bending like flimsy straws. Tears and drool flowing across his delicate lips. Face twisted in agony and looking at me for relief.

"Yes, yes come to me. Only me."

Gently holding his broken body and stroking the stray hairs away from his face. The blood slowly pooling beneath him as he melts into my touch. An outside noise disrupt my thoughts

"Oi! The fuck you just called! Get off me!" The man on me tried to shake me off. Grabbing my red paint container from my clothes drapped on the bed I quickly grasped the males arm smeering the paste and activating my ability and having his body rendered motionless. I then twisted him so he fell to the hard hotel bed, repositioning myself above him and continued my deeds, grabbing a pocket knife from another pocket and slitting the mans chest before as I sat above, still abusing his insides. A male beneath me, seething in pain and yet unable to move. After that, the only thing I could do was continue my delusional thoughts.

"Atsushi... Atsushi... Haah. Let me- l-let me be... The one to, to hold you."

===========================

I sat at my desk waiting for news or anything interesting to happen. It was times like these that really made me hate myself. What am I here for? The violence? The protection? The promotions? Nope, only the tourturing pleasure waiting for me. A knock was heard at my small office, located in a small room to the side of my interrogation room. Signaling for him to come in a member walked up to me, letter in hand as he held it out for me.

"It is a letter directed to you from the Armed Detective Agency. I've notified the Boss about it and he says that you can choose how to proceed. That is all." And the black suited man left. Opening it I was met with delicate hand written letters, innocent and sweet like one you would find in a love confession, but oh how it contrasted.

"Dear (l/n)(Y/n)

Ah, my late mentee. It seems fate really has it out for both you and my precious Atsushi. You see, after your encounter he doesnt seem to radiat that precious side of him anymore and rather has been stuck in thought for what I know are usless hopes and dreams twisted in guilt and confusion. It hurts to see my adorable mentee like this so, being the amazing person I am I have found a solution to both problems that have occurred! One being Atsushi's depression and two being your very existence. I know you, you do not care for the Port Mafia, only the free access to distorted bodies to tend to. Your loyalty to others is as strong as your mercy. And for that ive found a way to give you that hope and love you crave, and not from meaningless strangers but rather your precious Atsushi. The Special Division of Ability Users want you contained, I sent a little memo to them requesting a rather cosy cell for you~ how kind of me. A small house, furnished, ready to cater to your needs at anytime of course it has its confinements. Its blocked in. No access to open sky or land, but you are a highly dangerous criminal its only expected. What makes this all better is that dear Atsushi can visit you all he wishes~ Just a quick drive away. Knowing him he'd likely visit you any chance given. " I could tell the letter suddenly stopped with the fake warm emotion, now going into an all too real serious stop.

"I'm playing with your weakness here (l/n). You know It. I know you. Its time you delved into other forms of pleasure and love, maybe even happiness if you truly care for Atsushi.

Sincerely, Dazai Osamu"

.....................................................................

I stood across from the stunned figure, blood seeping into the floor below. This was fine, this undying pleasure of mine. Slowly I walked up to the seated victim whom had told all that was needed to be heard, now he was mine to do with as i wished. The unidentifide males face soon twisted in haze the blood and loose flaps of skin now hanging from Atsushi. His small figure and adorable eyes pleeing for help and relief like all those many years back at the orphanage. This face, this adorable face. I had to love it, look after it. Treat it and heal it from all the nasty wounds made by the Orphan Mister. I had to hold his body afterwards, comfort Atsushi from the pain. Embrace him and the dysfunctional being I was.

You don't take the offer in this ending. I think it suits it more. I do have a happy ending where you do accept Dazais offer but really, your here for dark content, who needs resolution and happiness?

#yahooworks #dark content #bsd atsushi #dazai osamu #torture #male reader #bsd #bsd smut

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imaginewarehouse · 3 years

Text

Yandere!Marcus White x Reader || Drabble

Plot: I’ve been watching Gotham, so, some delicious villainous yandere stuff for fun.

Warnings: Abduction, toxic/abusive relationship, basic yandere character (He’s kinda chill though, so it isn't really mega level dark? I guess?)

🔆 🔆 🔆

The bag is ripped off my head, along with a few strands of my hair, and I gulp down my first non-canvasy breathes in hours, looking around the room I’m in. As soon as I recognise the childish basketball themed bed sheets that I’m plopped onto and the blue walls that could only belong to a man-child that hasn't left his mother since the womb though, a deep, annoyed groan escapes my throat and my head falls back against the wall I’m leaning on. The frustration of another failed escape attempt honestly killing me. “Fuckkkkk. Marcus!”

Why did I even look around? As if the surroundings after being kidnapped would be any different. It never is. Its always this stupid room. God, I hate it.

“Hold on a moment- finishing this game.” He unsurprisingly responds, from the floor at the foot of the bed where a TV is set up on the floor- not at all fazed at the fact that his abduction victim is awake.

I wriggle my wrists, trying to free them from the tent rope tying them together. “Whatever. Just hurry up and untie me. I’m getting rope burn.”

“Mmm,” Marcus makes an unsure sound back, and I can imagine his face right now even though I cant see it, all twisted up at the nose and the mouth. A harbinger of dread, honestly. My heart feels like it plummets in my chest, right down to my feet. Don’t tell me- “Yeahh, I don’t think so. Not this time, babe. One too many escapes. I told you, you try to leave me one more time and you’ll lose Mr Nice Guy.” He makes a clicking sound with his tongue, as I screw my own face up in confusion. ‘Mr Nice Guy’, did he just say? Oh, please- “Well. You lost him.”

That... doesn't sound good. I mean, no part of this situation with him is good, but this definitely feels like a tipping point. I feel nauseous suddenly. “What do you mean?”

“Oh!” Suddenly the TV makes an especially loud noise and the sound of the controller clicking gets more vigorous, as apparently Marcus gets to a particularly difficult part of the game- then celebratory music plays and Marcus gets up, and flops on the bed next to you. “Whoo! I won. Beat the game.” He beams at me, like I actually give a flying fuck that he came first in Mario cart at 100cc, like the loser that he is, and I just look back totally deadpanned.

I blink, trying to totally show him with my expression and my tone how little this matters right now. Or ever. “Like I care?”

“Don’t be a bitch.” It should say something about me, and about him, that I used to flinch every time this boy called me that, but now I don't even blink. We’ve been doing this thing for over a decade, since high school when Marcus wasn't a total psycho, so nothing about him surprises me much anymore.

Not that he isn't, unfortunately, full of surprises even so.

“Don’t be a psycho kidnapper.” I beam back patronisingly.

“Ahh, stalemate.” He grins, dropping his hand on my thigh... which... twistedly... still has an effect on me. Not that I ever let him know that, but, it definitely does. Sometimes I wonder, honestly, if that’s why I never successfully escape. Not because he or his butt ugly prison friends are master criminals or anything, but because I’m still holding on to an insane secret hope that somewhere in Marcus is the boy who took me to prom and spiked the punch, and turned up to drive me 3 hours home - to this bedroom, actually, - from a disastrous family holiday that made me cry to him for 2 more hours on the phone, and was happy to do so. Because sometimes he still is that guy.

... Because on a subconscious level I let him find me and drag me back here... even though consciously, I know this is

-wrong.

And abusive...

and toxic.

But on the other hand maybe not. Whatever. Moving on. Taking a deep breath to regather myself and glance up at him, eyes flashing angrily. Through my teeth, I hiss. “Let go.”

Deeply, entirely hard-done-by, Marcus sighs and rolls his eyes, removing his hand. “Whatever.” I sigh, and lean my head back on the wall- tired. Tired of him, tired of this whole awful game.

But we go on. We live on; We keep playing. Everyone does. That’s life.

What else can you do?

Finally, a couple of minutes later, I turn my head to look at him again and wait for him to catch my gaze and turn his own head to face me back. I talk quietly, calmly, tiredly. “... what did you mean by no more Mr Nice Guy?”

“Just that.” He exclaims and shrugs, like it explains everything. Which it absolutely does not, but instead of snapping at him I just raise my eyebrows and wait for more of an explanation. “That... you’ll stay tied up. Most of the time, anyway. I mean, you can take showers and stuff without the rope, and on your birthday.”

“Oh, well aren't you just a regular Prince Charming.” I sigh, rolling my eyes and gazing up at the ceiling now. Great.

He either didn’t get a feel for the sarcasm or doesn't care. “Well I think so! So does mom.”

“Oh god.” I groan, squeezing my eyes shut. He’s such a loser. “Norman Bates, much?”

At the reference that he definitely gets, because we binged the first season of Bates Motel together, like nearly everything else that we do apart from my escaping hobby, Marcus shifts closer to me and bangs the back of his head on the wall. “Oh, Y/N, that’s gross.” Oh so he claims, I think sarcastically, rolling my eyes yet again. Whatever. “I love you.”

“Yeah, right.” I respond, dully, not even looking at him. At my obvious doubt, he begins to laugh. First chuckles, then full out, raucous laughter. Like its the most hilarious thing that he might not be in love with me. Like- why would he do all this to me? Kidnap me, keep me prisoner, force me to stay with him, tie me up- If he didn’t fucking love me?

I mean I have some ideas, but lets go with his story.

“I do!” He shakes his head, eyebrows knit together in confusion and hurt at my ridiculous accusation that he doesn't love me. “I do, baby.” He shifts so he can look me in the eyes and force a serious look... a goofy grin still stuck on his face that is not encouraging or confidence building at all. “I do. I fucking love you!”

When he gets like this, its best to pretend like I believe him. Take a deep breath, adjust my thoughts - like you’re going to school and you have to remember that the place is educating you, and that’s good... not thats it's a torture institution for youth. For example, Marcus isn't a psychopathic dick-face. He’s... sometimes, sweet,- , and force a gentle smile. Hold my breath and cup his face the best I can with my wrists tied up, with one hand and lace my fingers through his hair with the other- and try not to like it so much.

Or like it on a purely physical level and try to ignore the way, deep down, I love him.

“... You’re right. Sorry. I know you do, baby, thank you. I... I love you too.”

Easily his expression and his body relax, and he grins that goofy grin again that unfortunately still releases the butterflies in the pit of my stomach. “I know. Sorry, I freak out a little when you say stuff like that.” Oh, I know. “I just wouldn't want you to think that I do anything to hurt you. I just want you close.”

“I know.”

He smiles brighter, happy for the positive appraisal and apparent trust from me- especially in the particularly sensitive mood he’s in with me touching him.

Then he leans across the way and kisses me.

#Superstore #Superstore x Reader #Yandere #Yandere Superstore #Yandere Fic #TW: Yandere #TW: Abuse #TW: Abusive Relationship #TW: Abduction #Marcus White #Superstore Marcus #Marcus White x Reader #Yandere!Marcus White

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burntmcnuggies · 4 years

Text

Dabi NSFW Alphabet

Sexual content ahead! :D please don’t read if it makes you at all uncomfortable and you are not over 18+ thank you!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) He’s a sadistic fuck, and if you need something, he won’t be a gentlemen about it. “Go get it yourself. You’ve got legs.” Even if your legs are feeling like jelly from the harsh fucking he’d just done on you, he still won’t go get it for you. Then when you get back... “Hey, think you could get me some water too?” At that point you’ll throw the water you got for yourself at his face, grab your underwear and lock yourself in the shower. When you come out there’s usually a water bottle waiting for you. He just likes seeing you angry.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) since his skin is burnt up, he doesn’t find himself attractive, and has been called a freak and ugly multiple times. He likes his hands. His hands are where his flames come from and even if he thinks he’s weak, he knows his flames are very powerful. He likes your smile. Cheesy i know. In his dark world your smile brightens up everything, and gives him strength to keep pushing harder. You also support his dream, and when you smile. He knows you’re always by his side even when you aren’t physically.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) He likes to spread his cum all over you, and cum in your mouth. He likes to look down on you while you’re on your knees in front of him and praise you. “Awe would you look at that? The princess is dirty. This look suits you better.” And when he cums on your back or your stomach, he’ll spread it around with your hand and heat up his hand s little to make you squirm at the feeling of his cum and the heat.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) He’s sadistic, and his dirty secret is that he wants to burn you. He wants to hold your hips and permanently mark your body with his hands. When he sees you naked, and then looks down at the scarred hand prints on your hips, it’ll make his chest full with pride. It’ll also make a grin spread across his face. “Looks good. Soon enough we’ll match.” Thats a very romantic coming from Dabi.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) He’s a villain, and because of his scars he runs off everyone. Nobody thinks he’s attractive. But he’s had at minimum one or two experiences, so he’s not a god, but he knows what he’s doing. There’s no scaring on his love parts. That’s a plus. Meeting you though, he’s gotten to unleash his wild side.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) doggy. Definitely. He will grab your hips with one hand and brutally slam into you while his other hand is around your neck, squeezing it tightly while you beg and choke on your saliva and moans. He’s also a fan of seeing you on top. Laying on his back with his arms behind his head watching you use him to pleasure yourself. It really gets him off.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) seriously. Never goofy. The thing he does is tease you, mock you, and degrade you, even though he doesn’t mean any of it.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) He keeps it very well shaved. You never see any stubble ever, it’s almost like he shaves it everyday. His hair colors black right? So why would there be any reason to constantly shave... unless? It’s naturally red and doesn’t want you to know it? :o

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) he’s a villain, and is not used to being a nice guy. Dating you has made him yearn more for intimacy, but he’s still not affectionate during sex. If he’s upset he’ll be more rough and demanding. If he’s in a good mood he’ll occasionally kiss your shoulders and your hands. Always during sex though, he’ll make out heavily with you. Whether it’s angry or loving.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) He has other things to focus on rather than sex. He’s usually only ever turned on if you’re there with him doing something lewd, or bending over for him to get a sexy view of your ass. If he does get horny, he’ll tease you after he’s finished. By sending you a text and a teasing picture of his softening cock in is hand with cum spread on his rough hands. “You’re not doing your job. I might have to fire you. Literally.” Of course this is a joke just to get under your skin.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) Fireplay, Master/Slave, sadist, smacking you (not in an abusive way like spanking, etc.) and likes risk. He’s also not opposed to exhibitionism. If he’s horny and you’re casually talking to Toga or Twice or having a drink with Shigaraki, he will shamelessly pull your pants down and start right there. He wants to use his flames and touch you all over until you’re crying that it hurts and begging him to stop. He likes hurting you, but knows when you’re extremely serious or when you’re just in the moment.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do) anywhere. He doesn’t care. Unless it’s somewhere extremely public with like civilians where they can see and recognize him. He’s a villain after all. People know his face. He doesn’t wanna go to jail for having sex with you in public. He’d rather go to jail for doing a sinister crime. You always help him with getting away though. Sure you’re a good person and not a villain, but you still love the man. You understand his will to follow stains ideology. You agree. Just not with the killing part. He also likes to do it in the bedroom and especially in the bath. Feeling warm water on his scarred skin relaxes him.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) your ass gets him going, and your waist. He loves dropping things on purpose and watching you bend over to pick it up. He gets especially hard when you’re wearing a skirt and he can see your panties. Another turn on is when you’re wearing a dress or skirt with no panties on underneath. It gets him angry when you’re out in public like that, but then he punishes you and makes you leave it on. Eventually, he’ll burn the skirt off.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) daddy kink, he has a bad experience with his father so he doesn’t want to be reminded. Threesomes. He’s a bit possessive over you. You’re probably the only good thing in his life and the only person who’s ever stood beside him through every fucked up thing he did. If you did have a threesome, he would have to kill whoever touched you. He’d also be one of those people to get very irritated hearing about your exes and want to kill them.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) receiving. Like I said before, Dabi is very sadistic and likes to face fuck you. You have to learn how to not have a gag reflex when you decide to engage sexually with the villain. He’ll occasionally give it to you. He’s really good at it, but feels you won’t enjoy it due to his scarred skin. However, you love feeling those staples near his mouth just rub against you giving you a cool sensation. Never gets old.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) He’s always fast and rough, unless he wants to tease you and make you beg for it. Then he’ll be slow, but harsher than before. Expect your thighs or ass to be red and flushed when he’s done. Sometimes when he’s upset he’ll just ignore foreplay and fuck you as hard as he can to rid himself of his angry thoughts. When you’re upset he’ll try to take things a bit slower, giving you kisses and praising you, which is a bit rare.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) not opposed to them. But doesn’t do it often. You’re usually away at work while he’s doing villainous stuff, and at night is when you both really get frisky. If you’re about to go to work and he breaks into your house (he has a key) he’ll push you against the wall after you’re already dressed, groomed, and clean. Afterwards, he’ll leave and say thanks, then demand you come see him later. You’re always late to work when that happens.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) he’s willing to try things at least once. As long as you’re ok with it. He’s gonna tell you what he’s thinking about first and if you’re seriously opposed to it, he won’t, but if there’s a slight on the rail chance, he’ll try and manipulate you to do it. The sex is still always amazing.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) probably two or three. He lasts a long time. Usually you’ll have came about two or three times before he even cums once. He degrades you about how you don’t make him cum quickly and that you’re too slow. “Better catch up if you wanna keep rollin’ with me, sweetheart.” He mock you, but he loves you.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) will never let you use any on him. He’d turn whatever it was to ash before it happened. He’s bought toys for you. Sometimes when you go out together to the mall and he’s wearing his big baggy jacket and some glasses to hide his face, he’ll sneakily slide his hands in your pants or up your skirt and slip a vibrator inside and turn it on. It’s his favorite thing to do to make you angry and frustrated.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) he loves to tease you. If you’ve done something to especially piss him off, sometimes he’ll sneak into your house, or visit you at work looking shady as fuck and over stimulate you until you’re right on the edge of cumming. Then he’ll leave. He passively teases you a lot. “I’m so sore from work... ugh.” “I know something that’ll make you even sorer. Then you won’t be bitching about work and only focusing on me.” He gets jealous.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) very quiet, but will tease you by moaning and whispering your name in your ear while he fucks you. He grunts and pants a lot, groaning occasionally and making a sly comment on you tightening around him. “Oh, isn’t that something? You’re tightening around me. Are you getting close, sweetheart?” Something that really gets him moaning is when you roughly kiss his scarred skin where his staples are. He’s a little sensitive there and gets embarrassed when you tell him he’s beautiful. He won’t believe you, but do it anyways.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) likes to buy you clothes. And by buy. I mean steal. Sometimes he rips your panties and you mourn the loss of one of your favorite pairs of panties. You’d think he would steal only sexy underwear. But he mainly tried to get stuff you’re going to be comfortable in. And when you’re about to do it, and he’s taking off your panties and he notices it’s the ones he got you, he’ll feel happy, and won’t rip or burn that pair off. He also likes to get you nice work clothes and jewelry. That way when people see the new outfits you can brag about it and tell them your boyfriend “bought” it for you.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) He’s pretty big. He’s above average and has girth to him. Sure he hasn’t had a whole lot of experience, but god, sex with him made you feel a certain way. If he ever cums inside you and you stand up afterwards, it’s all coming out, he stretches you perfectly. There’s also no scars or piercings down there.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) this dude has a very naughty mind when it comes to you. He has a very high sex drive for you. He’s never been interested in sex. He usually had more important things to do. Like committing crimes, taunting heroes, and carrying out orders from Shigaraki as the commander of an elite team of villains.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) he doesn’t get a lot of sleep, but usually after sex he gets pretty tired. He’ll be laying with you in bed both completely naked under the covers. Your head will be on his chest and he’ll have his arm around you on his back. He’ll nod off and try to stay awake, but eventually he’ll be out like a light. It’s always funny watching him try to stay awake and then falling asleep with his head lulling to the side with his lips parted. It’s very cute.

#my hero headcanons #dabi smut #my hero academia #mha dabi #dabi headcanons #bnha dabi

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pigeonxp · 3 years

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YGCMA songs and how they relate to c!Wilbur based off of yesterday’s lore (in my biased opinion)

This is so dumb and i literally don’t care. I can’t think about anything else other than doing this synopsis even tho like 28480329204 other people are going to do it. idc.

(I listened to the songs earlier, and i’m also listening to them as i write the opinions. these are basically just my thoughts while listening tbh. im also not doing the full song, just some things i feel relate within each song)

- Jubilee Line

the lines at the beginning of the song, “hate to see you leaving / a fate worse than dying” could relate to how wilbur feels after tommy gets pulled back into the overworld. or, he could be referencing L’Manburg and how he hates to see his country leaving him (ouch).

then we have the lines “your city gave me asthma / so thats why im fucking leaving / and your water gave me cancer / and the pavements hurt my feelings”. This could be in relation to L’Manburg as a whole. He put everything he had into L’Manburg and it only ended up hurting him in the end. yikes.

now we have “shout at the wall / ‘cause the walls dont fucking love you” repeated. This could be in reference to when he said he was fucking kicking and screaming to get out of the train station. hes screaming and he doesnt care because it doesnt matter to him. it doesnt love him just like how the people of L’Manburg didnt love him. wilbur get therapy challenge.

so based on the lore from yesterday, we know that c!wilbur’s limbo was a train station (props to fanartists. i love you.), presumably the YCGMA album cover type deal. when he sings “Theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the tube line / theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the rails” repeated. if the train station looks like how they do on the album cover, there could be barriers where he is. maybe hes trying his best to just kill himself over again by jumping onto the tracks. just in an attempt to escape. jfc

“theres a reason they fail”. he was still in the train station, wasnt he?

- Saline Solution

for this one, i feel like hes pretty far into the void and regretting his decision to have phil kill him. hes tired of being in a fucking train station for years on end.

“i think this time im dying / im not melodramatic / im just pragmatic beyond any / reasoning for thinking ive got / fuckin rabies or something.” hes so fucking sick of being in this goddamn train station and he thinks hes dying. hes so pent up and sick of being there, maybe hes just in so much pain that he feels like hes dying. if hes been there for a while, hes probably bound to go crazy at some point, hence the “pragmatic beyond any reasoning.”

“I think ive lost my mind / blurring the fact and the fictions” this feels like he really does believe hes going crazy and is mixing up the things he really knows and the things his mind is creating for him. maybe this is when tommy first arrived and he cant tell if he real or not (thats a stretch but i figured id share it anyway.)

“I think ive made my choice / im a deceased playing victim / slip the face, slip the victory” he quite literally says that hes a deceased playing victim. hes literally saying hes dead HAHHAHAH anyway. maybe hes blaming himself again, because us c!wilbur apologists all know that hes very good at doing that.

“Sit secluded in hatred /.../” hes sitting in a fucking train station for god knows how long beating himself up over and over again and just hating himself. hes all alone. with himself. someone he fucking loathes.

this is honestly all i have for Saline Solution, but i will definitely add more later if i get different theories.

- Since I Saw Vienna

This is my favorite song on the album and my comfort song so that could factor into this bit ahaha

im going to skip through this one a little bit and go to the line “The roads are my home, horizons my target / if i keep on moving, never lose sight of it / treating my memory of you like a fire, let it / burn out, don’t fight it, try to move on” this sounds like hes reminiscing on his home in L’Manburg and his presidency was something he relied on and he would fight to get it back, but now that hes dead and said that it should remain that way that he should just let it go. trying to move on from his symphony, forever unfinished.

“its been sixty weeks since i saw vienna / a bandage and a wide smile slapped across my face / ill pick up my hiking boots when i am ready / and ill put down my roots when im dead.” THESE LINES FUCK ME UP IN GENERAL BUT HOW THEY RELATE TO C!WILBUR RN IS JUST SUIBHYSBUSHDXNSKJDNHBD YK???? in the context that vienna is L’Manburg and he died, its saying that its been a long ass time since hes seen it and hes faking being okay about his death. he misses it but doesnt want to admit it. the picking up the hiking boots when hes ready is him moving on from his L’Manburg, and putting his roots down when hes dead is finally being okay with not living there/being an important part of it. he believed his death was the best for the people in L’Manburg and L’Manburg itself. it seems like hes still trying to convince himself.

“Ill be gone then, for when you must be alone.” hes gone. hes dead. hes in the train station. he left the L’Manburgians alone and hes alone in his limbo. man.

- Losing Face

this song is angry. hes so fucking angry. my thoughts are that this is about the following presidents after him. he feels like the L’Manburgians were happier without him and im pretty sure he believed that even when Schlatt was president. this is so evident in the lyric “Is he better than me?” Hes literally asking if the other presidents were better than he was. he doesnt believe he did everything he could to be the best president, even though we all know that he gave everything that he was into that country and then some. he broke himself for the L’Manburg but he doesnt believe hes enough. sheesh.

“Ive seen him / ive been him / ive felt the same way” even though he cant see the new presidents being president, he knows what its like. he knows that they might break under the pressure. hes been there. he knows how if feels. yikes.

“Ive lost all meaning / ive lost my sense of hope” this feels like when he was nearing the end of L’Manburg when he blew it up, and that he feels like trying to win it back is pointless. he has no hope for it anymore, so why not give up? his mental state is already shit yk so i cant really blame him for feeling that way.

“i dont care / i want you here / as long as youre happy, i dont care” this line. this fucking line. hes lost hope in being president, but he doesnt care. he just wants the L’Manburgians to be happy. that was his whole thought process while he was president. he didnt matter to himself, he just wanted them to be happy. he sacrificed his mental state for them. cries in wilbur apologist.

- Your Sister Was Right

this is my second favorite song on the album i think HAHAHAH

anyway

“I use everyone i ever meet / i cant find the perfect match / abuse those i love / while i ostracize the ones who love me / back.” wowie wow wow fucking ouchie. He feels like he uses his friends. this whole thing is a projection of his shit ass mental state rn fucking hell. he feels like hes abusive. thats what everyones been telling him. they tell him he was awful and a shit president and all that jazz even though hes been killing himself trying to be the best for them but its still not enough (pigeon projecting? more likely than you think)

“every time that i miss you / i feel the way you hurt / and i dont deserve you / you deserve the world / though it feels like we were built / from the same dirt.” man. hes dead lol. he misses the L’Manburgians. not only were they his supporters, but they were all his friends too. every time he misses his friends he feels their pain of when he first blew up L’Manburg. he feels like because he caused them all pain that they dont like him and that they never liked him and that he is undeserving of their friendship. he still wants to be friends with them. he still loves them. he still wants the best for them. he thinks theyre so much better than him even though they all created L’Manburg together. in reality they are all the same, but their actions impact each other and he feels that his actions make him worse than them or less than. fuckisonmdfnpbhife

“and i hate to say it / but your sister was right / dont trust english boys / with far too much free time” sister is dream mayhaps. fuckngeionsfjg that hurt sorry uhhh anyway yeah sister is dream?? he did say that wilbur would be a shit president and he believes that hes a shit president so he thinks they were all right about him being a shit president fbhjebinfnejg. maybe sister is just everyone who didnt believe in wilbur. man....

“a fucking waste of time” do i even need to explain this one? he fr doesnt belive hes worth it anymore and that hes literally a waste of time. hjkfbhnfve

- La Jolla

this one feels pretty far into train station limbo to me as well. namely from “and im lonely / there i said it” this could either be him being lonely as president and feeling like he doesnt have anyone to talk to really because hes too busy trying to hold himself together for everyone. either that or hes lonely in the station and didnt want to admit it because this is what he wanted. he wanted to die. he wanted to be dead because he believed thats what everyone else wanted and he just wanted the best for them.

“i could go away / i could pack my things and be gone before you wake” he could leave if they asked him to. he would do anything for them.

“you know ive tried hard to love me too / it always seems to fall in, through” this line already physically pained me but now it hurts even more having to relate it to a character i love. we already know that his mental state was declining as his presidency continued, but this would confirm that hes just trying to love himself even though he can never seem to get it right.

“my own personal sunset” this is just the ‘this is my sunrise’ line but different. my man misses the sun. fuck.

- I’m Sorry Boris

this song is almost definitely from a long ass time in the limbo.

“and im sorry / but, boris / im leaving / im not good for anyone here” boris represents L’Manburgians!! hes talking about how hes leaving the world by planning on killing himself. fuck.

“we reached the end of a decade” mans been dead for a decade. sheesh.

he then goes on to say that he cant believe hes leaving, he doesnt think he wants to leave them, but he thinks its whats best for them.

he talks about how they do all of these bullshit things before helping you and i know its in reference to london but for the sake of my sanity its about the presidency role and how it will fuck you up before bothering to help you not want to kill yourself.

should i do a separate post about how i visualized it/about how i thought about the song in paragraph form like a lowkey explanation? idk how to explain it but in this one i wanted to just cover some of the lyrics of the songs and my thoughts on them. i think c!wilbur wrote these in the limbo after he died. i know this is also shit and Not Good, but i really just needed to get my thoughts out before it killed me. i also didnt reread this. its probably repetitive and shit yk. i do Not Care. id also love to hear thoughts on this if yall want to. if you made it this far i love you please hydrate and eat today and youre so sexy ahaha

“and even though im finished / im not quite done with it” even though hes finishing his symphony by blowing it up, hes now realizing he wished he hadnt blown it up and that he hadnt killed himself. man.

#tw death #tw suicide #wilbur soot #ycgma #dream smp #tommyinnit #dream #c!wilbur #fuck i love this album

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stxvercgersslut · 4 years

Text

Finally A Happy Ending

Pairing: Hayden (Harvard Hottie) x female! Reader

Description: You’ve never had the greatest luck when it comes to love but that all changes when you bump into Hayden

Warnings: Tone of fluff, language, Smut towards end but it’s really fluffy and nothing too raunchy.

A/n: Gif is not mine! Bits in at Italics means that it’s a flash back. THIS HAS NO BUSINESS BEING THIS LONG 😂

It didn’t seem real, in fact none of this felt real. How on Earth did you ever get to this moment without screwing everything up for yourself like you usually did? Was this a miracle? It had to be right? It had to be some sign that God didn’t hate your live life after all.

Well miracle or not, you were still sat in a hotel room getting ready for the big day. Thats right. You were getting married to the most amazing human in the world. The love of your life. Never had you ever thought that you would get so lucky, especially like this. In fact you hadn’t even expected to ever find love, let alone get married. Yet here you were, being assisted into your gorgous white wedding dress by your two best friends, Annie and Emily. This was most certainly a dream come true.

“Babe are you sure you haven’t gotten the wrong size? Or the seamstress just hasn’t done the correct measurements? Because this dress doesn’t look right nor does it fit right. It’s practically suffocating your rib cage and We haven’t even managed to zip it up yet!” Your bridesmaid Emily commented as she struggled to completely zip up your dress since it haulted just below where the hem of your white lacy panties ended. Probably from the slight weight gain after your expensive trip to Brazil with Hayden a few weeks before your wedding. You guys had never eaten so much food in your life.

“No! I’m positive I got the right size!” Still completely in shock. Why the hell were things so difficult on what was supposed to be the best day of your life?

“Well either you’re got fat or someone shrunk your dress without you even realising because there is no way this dress is getting past your stomach unless you really breath in.”

“Just keep trying!” You replied before completely falling silent desperately trying to suck in your slightly swollen belly as much as physically possible, still in shock. Whilst you’re bridesmaids continued to help you get your somehow ridiculously tight dress to close, you couldn’t help but begin to daydream about that one writers evening that just so happened to be the luckiest night of your life. The day everything fell into place and reminded you that maybe life wasn’t always full of disappointments and that it’s actually full of good times too.

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

“You have got to be kidding me!” You groan as you plunge your hand back into your ridiculously expensive Chanel bag for what felt like the hundredth time tonight in search for your purse. But unfortunately, still no damn purse. Where the hell could it have gone? And to make matters worse you were literally in the back of a cab right now with no money to pay the driver. “No no no.....this can’t be happening! Not tonight of all fucking nights! Where the hell is it?!?” You sob quietly to yourself, a few fustrated tears trickeling their way down your cheeks, praying to any god that was listening that you’d find your purse. But still no luck what so ever. Great...now you were completely stuck in a cab that was most likely going to kick you out once the driver finally realised that you weren’t going to be able to pay him back. Unfortunately, you had another hour until your destination. How could you just stay there in the back seat riddled with guilt. You had to say something! So that’s exactly what you did,

“I.....I’m so sorry...” you began, swallowing thickly before continuing once you had been sure that the cab driver was actually listening to you. “My...purse....I must have forgotten it at home when I left....I’m so sorry...” you rambled, already beginning to allow tears to fall from your eyes once again. This was already the worst night of your life. Of course it was.

A loud screech echoed through the cab as it came to a sudden stop. “You’ve got to be kidding me! I just drove 2 fucking hours thinking I was getting my $400 and now you tell me you can’t pay me? Don’t act like you didn’t know what you were doing!” The driver yelled angrily as he yanked his seatbelt off before literally getting out of the car, opening the back door and literally yanking you out of the veichel in one clean swoop, sending fear shooting down your veins.

“I didn’t know! I’m so sorry please just.....if you take me back I can pay....I’ll even pay you more!” You tried to reason, knowing that your begging probably wouldn’t get you anywhere but it was worth a shot right?

“Don’t lie to me bitch! I’ve been round your type before! Greedy little stuck up princesses who think that everything in life comes free. Well it won’t work with me Princess and I’m sure as hell not driving you 2 hours back home! You can get lost!” The man spat, as he took hold of your arm, causing sparks of fear to jolt through your spine. This couldn’t end well could it?

“HEY! Get the fuck off of her! She doesn’t owe you shit!” A males voice echoed, ripping you from your fearful state and sending an over whelming sense of relief to flood you.

“Oh is that so? This bitch made me drive 2 hours out of town and then tells me she hasn’t even got her fucking purse! That’s not a coincidence” the cab driver bit back.

“How much has this cost you?” The mysterious man questioned, sending a quick sympathetic look your way before looking back towards the other male who still had a piercing grip on your wrist.

“What?” The cab driving questioned totally taken aback by the mans kindness.

“Oh sorry are you deaf?! How much has the drive cost you? I won’t ask again” this time the blue eyes beauty stepped forward, a threatening look replacing his kinder side.

“$400” He snarled still not letting go of your wrist.

“$400?!?” Now the kind strangers eyes were buldged so wide that he could have sworn that they would pop out of his head if he wasn’t careful. “I don’t carry that amount of money on me...do you do card?” He asked, taking out his wallet and beginning to rummage for his card, almost instantly finding it.

“What? No no you can’t do that! I couldn’t possibly ask that of you. You don’t know me....” you spoke, eyes widening as he placed his card against the machine watching as it processed his information and took the $400 from it in an instance. “Too late” he spoke jokingly, placing his card back into his wallet before practically yanking the drivers hand away from yours causing a sigh of relief to run through your body. Thankfully.

“Now you have your money so I expect to never see you around here again! And if I so much as see you picking on another women like you did just now then I will not hesitate to report you to your boss got it?” The Male asked with a angry smirk on his eyes. Clearly he wasn’t lying. Not when it came to scumbags like him. It wasn’t fair! Not at all.

The driver didn’t say another word, just scurrying back to his cab before eagerly driving off back to wherever the hell he came from. As long as it was far away from you you didn’t give a shit.

“Thank you!! Thank you thank you thank you so much Erm....”

“Hayden...”

“Hayden...thank you...I really can’t thank you enough. I promise I will pay you back when I get home.....” you spoke trying hard to keep your cool since you were literally standing in front of who you thought was most certainly the sexiest man alive. No one could be cuter then him right?

Hayden laughed sympathetically once more before shaking his head over exaggerating each movement to further prove he was serious. “Nonsense. A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be treated the way he treated you. Are you okay? Because if you’re not you know you can sue for physically abuse and threatening behaviour him right? In fact if you wanted to you could literally sue the entire company for everything that it’s worth! You shouldn’t let him get away with it. It’s not fair” as the Male continued to ramble on about every possible way you could take legal action on the taxi ferm you couldn’t help but realise how handsome he truely was. The kindness just making him even more sexy. “I guess I just don’t want the trouble...” you spoke with a weak smile. Beginning to shake due to the cold air beginning to seep it’s way into your thin jacket. Wasn’t the best of choices but you didn’t seek to care.

Hayden sighed, taking in a deep breath as he watched your skin turn a slightly blue due to the cold. His heart beginning to throb when he noticed your shivers. How could he just leave you out here cold and alone with nowhere to go? If he was a decent guy, which he was, then he had to do something. Maybe he could drive you home? Take you back to his apartment? Pay for your hotel? Get you another taxi and pay for it? Just anything to make sure that you were safe and not stuck out in the cold all night where you’d probably freeze to death. And without a purse? Well you’d end up stuck out here till at least the morning. Just wasn’t fair.

Without a second though he shrugged off his jacket, instantly draping it over your shoulders not even caring if you shrugged it off. But you didn’t, which for some reason seemed to just hold it closer, placing your arms through the sleeves and grasping the zipper on each side to pull it closer around your body. Clinging to it like you were scared that it wasn’t real, like all of it wasn’t real. Like HE wasn’t real.

“Look....” he began, pressing his right hand to the back of his neck in though, desperate to help you in any physical way that he could. “Is there anything that I can? Where were you heading? Maybe I can drive you there? Or just take you home? I could even pay for another ca—“

You stoped him, you had to! Of course you did. Hearing him even so much as offer to pay another $400 in order to get you home. That just wasn’t fair. “No no I can’t ask that if you! Besides it’s 2 hours back that way...it wouldn’t be fair ...” you argued, pressing your palm against his chest as he walks further. Clearly he was reach for the hem of his jacket that you were wearing but you didn’t care. You still took it as an opportunity to feel at his chest. And me oh my how you were happy you did. He seriously was built like a fucking god! “I was going to my mothers.....but she’d probably have gone to sleep now. Plus I need my purse anyway....” you explained. Taking a deep breath whilst continuing to feel at his chest. Surprisingly he wasn’t pushing you away. So you just took that as a sign that he didn’t want you to stop. In that case you wouldn’t.

You were driving him crazy, no actually you were intoxicating. Drawing him in closer and closer with ever word. Causing him to beg and pleas to be with know you, to feel you close and kiss you. God how he wanted to kiss you and he’d only just met you. “Alright....then where do you live? I’m not leaving you out here on your with nowhere to go! Let me drive you home? It’s the least I could do to ensure your safety. It’s almost midnight and it’s pitch black. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you. Please?” Now he was begging, pleading and whining. Pretty much losing every scrap of dignity that he had left. Not caring how he sounded. As long as you were safe then he didn’t care.

He waited, and waited and waited for what felt like hours until you finally answered, replying with a simple thank you and a boss as to show that you were accepting his offer. Thank god for that. It was like a rush of relief flooded through him once you accepted his offered. Knowing that your be safe with him until you got home. So that was exactly what he did. He drove you home. And later, stayed the night to keep you company in your empty apartment. Of course, the pair of you exchanged number rather quickly before he left in the morning. This was the beginning of what was about to be the most romantic 4 years of your life.

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

The sound of you dress zipper finally giving up and actually going the entire way up, no matter how tight it was, had been enough to tear you from your romantic daydream. Causing you to realise exactly we’re you were. You were really marrying Hayden right now? How? How on Earth was that happening right now? How had your relationship lasted 4 years already? Oh you were a lucky girl.

“Y/n/n you ready?” Annie asked as she placed a hand on your shoulder, a soft smile laced in her features. Both of your bridesmaids were just so sweet, clearly excited to even watch their best friend get married to then man that you loved with you entire heart. Nothing would change that. Not one thing.

Slowly you were fully revived from your dreamlike state, actually now completely comprehending what they said “Hmm? Oh yeah....I’m as ready as I’ll ever be...wow is it really time already? That’s strange. Thought I had 3 hours left? God that’s gone quickly. Well time to get married I guess” you spoke shakily, a little panic begining to deep through as you slowly began to strut your way out of your hotel room and down to the main hall. Thankfully everyone had already been seated in the grand garden outside where the wedding would be held. So you had time to sneak your way out into the hall, narrowly avoiding being seen by your husband to be and the rest of the guests through the large glass windows right in front of the garden.

Neither of you had many guests. Hayden had a couple of his good friends from college, his father (although he didn’t seem to actually want to be there) and a few other people but in all fairness he only had 15 guests. Where as you didn’t have any parents, your father sadly passed away before you’d gotten to the age of 17. And your mother? Well she had died 5 weeks before the wedding. So you only had Emily, Annie, your 3 friends from college and your uncle. So in total you only had 21 guests. Not that you wanted too many anyway. A small gathering of people was more then enough for the both of you.

Emily quickly ducked her head out to the garden, giving the band and the wedding planner a thumbs up before sneaking back inside and behind you to hold onto your train. It wasn’t too long but still if you attempted to walk without aid right now then that would be sure to end in disaster.

“Let’s get you married” she spoke, kissing your cheek before giving you an almighty shove to force you out of the door. Not that you even needed the shove right now. Especially since you were more then willing to walk out there to Hayden in a heartbeat. He was the love of you life after all. That much had been clear from your very first date.

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

A week later He’d barely gotten a chance to ask you on a date before you were accepting his invitation to go out to a rather expensive restaurants near his apartment block. How he’s managed to book a table somewhere that was usually completely booked up was beyond you. Yet you still accepted the offer. Excited for what was awaiting you.

Saturday night was your date night, and you’d spent almost 5 and a half hours getting yourself ready. Curling you h/c silky smooth hair into gorgous beach waves, carefully and somewhat shakily applying your makeup (practically packing it on to make yourself presentable for one night that was bound to be the best night ever) and standing at the mirror having a mini fashion show in front of it as you tried on several outfits, before finally landing on a beautiful silk short sleeved red dress that rested at your knees. Pairing it with some slightly darker red heals before finally just sitting on your couch and nervously waiting for to turn up at your door.

You practically bolted out of the house the second that you’d seen his car pull up outside of your house, running in heals over to him and pulling him into a tight hug. What? You just couldn’t help it. In some weird way you’d actually seriously missed him and it had literally only been a week since he had quite honestly saved you from being thrown into jail for refusal to pay your cab fee. Not that you could have.

“Woah, hello to you too” he laughed, wrapping his arms around your waist equally as fast as he inhaled your cinnamon scented perfume whilst closing his eyes. “What’s brought the hug on beautiful?” He pondered.

Beautiful? He’d never called you beautiful. Well you’d only known him a week so he hadn’t exactly had the chance to. The nickname instantly causing a peachy blush to pierce its way through you what felt like seven layers of foundation. “Nothing, think of it as my way of saying thank you”

“Thank me?”

“Yeah”

“Thank you for what sweetheart?” yet again another new nickname.

“For everything that you’ve done for me...and this...it’s just....I’ve never actually been with a guy that actually cared..most just wanted sex. So thank you for not being like those me” you admitted. Smiling weakly as you patted down your dress and patiently waited for his reply. Although what he did next actually surprised you.

Slowly Hayden lifted one of his hands, placing it delicately on your cheek as if he was terrified of breaking you. Like you were made of porcelain. “Well I’m not like any other guy....I’d never treat you like any of those idiots ever did! You’re a beautiful women who deeerves to have men worship the ground you walk on, not sleep with you and leave.” His voice no more then a whisper as he leaned in closer and closer towards you, barely even an inche away from your lips now. Oh he really was different. Especially since he didn’t kiss you, he stayed right where he was, not wanting to force you to kiss him if you didn’t want you.

But owe you so wanted to. Ever since you’d met him last week you’d thought of nothing more then to press your greedy lips against his and kiss him. Maybe that was your virginity trying to tell you something, that it was time to let go and divulge. But not yet. So instead you just wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, yanking him insanely close and soon pressing your lips to his.

The kiss was short and sweet, his lips gliding along yours whilst your hands were now carded in his hair. Messing up the soft wisps of hair. Neither of you wanted to pull away but when a large spray of rain came shooting down from the sky, practically beginning to shoak you already, it was evident that you had to pull away. Unless you wanted to get hypothermia.

“Wow..how romantic..” he begun, smiling like a big dork as he literally dragged you into his car to shelter from the rain. “I’ve never done that before...” he admitted, shying away a little.

“Never what? Kissed a girl?” You wondered a little puzzled by his words.

As if it was even possible Hayden’s cheeks began to burn a much darker shade of red. Almost covering his entire face before actually speaking. How was he so nervous? What was it about you that seemed to draw him in closer? “Well yeah I’ve kissed girls before....of course I have....but I’ve never...kissed them right before the first date...it was nice. If the rain hadn’t began to pour then I would have kept kissing you” he admitted that sweet dorky smile soon coming back.

“Well...who says we have to stop?” You asked suggestively. A cheeky little smirk landing there on your face.

“Our 8:30 dinner reservation actually.”

“Oh shit....I forgot about the date part”

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

Once again, you’d been dragged from yet another day dream by the studden feel of Hayden’s hands pressed against yours, dragging you closer so that you were only a small foot away from him and the sound of the Priests voice beginging to echo through the room God he wanted to kiss you right, both of you just half drowning out the Priests voice as you stared into each others eyes with love burning inside of you. However, your heard the priest gesture towards Hayden you actually began to listen. Now it was finally time for the vows, something you were more then excited about since you’d both decided to write your own vows.

Haydens hands were shaking as he took the piece of paper from his father, trying his hardest to calm down his nerves but it wasn’t working. So instead he just began to speak. “Y/n....ever since I met you those 4 years ago, I knew that we would be together. Everything about you was perfect back then and it’s still perfect now! Seriously how do you stay so perfect?” He asked with a happy wife smile on his face, causing all your guest, apart from a few, to burst out into laughter. “You’re not only the love of my life but you’re also my best friend, my partner and my soulmate. I promise to love you with all my heart, to respect you every single second, to never argue with you when you’re clearly going to win” once again the guest burst out into laughter, calming his nerves ever so slightly “I promise to never ever buy you that awful take out food ever again” more laughter “and most of all, I promise to be the best husband that you will ever have. No matter what happens on the future, what obsticals we both face, I will always be by your side. We will face life head on together because baby? You’re never getting rid of me, you can try but trust me baby, you won’t.”

And with that Hayden took the ring from his best man, slowly taking your ring finger and slowly sliding it onto it. “With this ring, I promise to love and respect you for the rest of my life” now he really was calm, having now gotten everything that he wanted to say out into the open he heart had stopped pounding. So now he was just staring at you. Patiently waiting for you to begin.

“You know....I had so many things that I wanted to say to you! But nothing on this sheet would ever be able to describe how much I love and care about you. From our first date, to our first kiss, to our first fight, to our first house and now to our wedding I have loved you the entire way. And that’s never going to stop I hope you know that!” The room fell silent now, everyone watching to engrossed in listening to your vows to even so much as laugh since yours were so much calmer and more serious then Hayden’s. “I promise to be a good wife and treat you right, to try and stop getting jealous every time you talk to another girl, to go with you to bars when you ask me to and actually have fun for once” finally the crowd began to laugh, most so mesmerised by how two people could love each other so dearly to completely take in everything that you had said. “And most of all I promise to not get mad at you about everything when I’m only actually mad at you about one thing” with that you laughed softly along with Hayden before slowly taking the wedding band given to you by Annie and slipping it onto his finger. The most adorable smile gracing your face as you did. “With I promise that everything I have vowed to you is true. I will live and respect you for as long as I live”

The part of you barely managed to get through the I dos with out crying tears of joy. But finally once the priest had announced that he could now kid the bride he just couldn’t help himself, he had to kiss you. Pulling you close to his chest and just pressing the most humongous kiss to your lips. So full of love that you literally forgot about everyone around you. They all faded away, none of them seeming to feel to important to either of you right now.

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

The night Hayden had proposed to you had coincidentally been the exact night of your first fight.

You’d been so distraught after that you’d literally stormed out of your shared apartment. Not really caring where you went, just wanting to get as far away from Hayden as humanly possible.

He’d hurt you, yelling at you at your weakest point and continuing to shoot you down and accidentally insulting you twice over some pathetic reason that neither of you could actually remember. So deep into the fight that he’d barely noticed you’d left until he heard the front door violently slamming shut.

That night, when you finally got home, he tried his hardest to make it up to you. Holding you close when you finally let him finally touch you, leaving little kisses all over your body whilst whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

He even went as far as to eat you out after a few hours of kissing you. Eating your pussy like it was his favourite meal in the world. Which to be perfectly honest you were his favourite. He sucked at your clit, nibbling on it ever so often before sucking it into his mouth, sucking hard on it until you were practically screaming. Making you cum 5 times until you finally forgave him. It was a long 5 times but who were you to complain?

He just wanted to make it up to you, especially after accusing you of cheating only to find out that the man you were with wasn’t only homosexual, but he was your uncle. His friend had clearly gotten it wrong, so of course he needed to ensure that you knew he was sorry. Clearly Hayden was jealous but he hadn’t exactly expected to feel so strongly towards you. Especially like this.

“Marry me” he’d whispered as he began nibbling at your folds, it wasn’t exactly the greatest time to ask, but it had just slipped out. Half way through eating you out. God what a way to ask.

“Wh—what?...” you asked, still practically fucked out from the firth orgasm he’d ripped from you just a few seconds ago.

“Marry me” he repeated, still keeping his tongue pressed against your clit. Each one of his words causing a wave of pleasure to shoot down your spine.

You couldn’t take it, couldn’t talk whilst he was attached to your pussy. It was way too difficult to concentrate. “S....stop bab....y” you spoke, gripping onto his hair and yanking him away from your cunt. Thankfully he obliged and kissed up your body back to your lips. Letting you taste yourself on his lips making you moan gently before he pulled away completely to let you speak. “Do you really mean what you said?”

“What do you mean? Of course I meant it. I wanna marry you. We’ve been together for 3 years already baby girl, it’s time for the next step don’t you think baby?”

“Yes”

“Yes?”

“Yes”

“Yes what baby girl? What are you agreeing to?” He asked, a slight smirk on his face as he finger slide down to your pussy, making you yelp as he began to play with your already swollen and sore clit. He really did wanna push you to the limit. Especially since you were waiting for your wedding day to actually have sex.

“Yes—I will....m—marry you..” you moaned out.

“I love you” he replied whilst strumming at your clit.

“I love you too” was the last thing you moans before cumming for the 6th time that night.

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

“Earth to Y/n!” Hayden spoke as he ran his hand through your hair, placing a kiss to your forehead before finally getting your attention “Are you okay baby? You’ve been quite for a while. Everything okay?” He asked worriedly whilst swaying the two of you back and forth, enjoying your first dance as a married couple.

“Hmm?” You asked. Still a little dazed from your third daydream of the day. “Oh yeah....yeah I’m fine just remincing on our relastionship. The good times..” you explained whilst slowly placing your forehead against his, being extra careful not to transfer any of your foundation to his face. “Oh really baby? And what are thought good times? Anything in particular?” He asked with a slight raise of his eyebrows, placing a soft kiss to your nose before allowing you to speak “memories like the day we met, our first date, the night you proposed.” You teased gently pulling away a little as you placed your lips against his. God he adored you, in fact he adored everything about you.

“Oh really? Well how about we escape from here and go to our suit? It’s almost midnight anyway baby, wanna go recreate our engagement night? With a twist?” He asked with a smirk on his lips. Not giving you enough time to reply before he was dragging you off the dance floor and through the hotel.

The pair of you had barely made it to your honeymoon suit by the time that you’d began making out in the hallway, both too engrossed in each other’s love that you didn’t even begin to care that there was an elderly couple ogling the pair of you as you attacked eavhither with your mouths. The pair Laughing and muttering something along the lines of ‘clearly newly weds about to seal the deal’ before walking past you to leave the pair of you to it. If you weren’t both careful then you’d most certainly end up having sex right in that very hallway. Not that that would be a bad thing, apart from the fact that this was going to be your very first time. Not just with Hayden but over all.

“Hayden.....stop baby.....” you muted against his lips, whining a little as he nibbles on your bottom lip with a small bit of pressure before completely letting go after your plea. His eyes so wide with list that he didn’t even need you to expand on why you’d stoped him. He just somehow knew.

So without another word, he dragged you over to the honeymoon suit, opening the door quickly. Egarly tearing the dress from your body and ridding himself of his suit until the pair of you were left in his boxers and your panties, before picking you up and throwing you onto the bed rather brutally.

“Hey!” You whined “be careful! You’ll hurt the baby.” That made him stop in his tracks. Questioning everything that he never knew.

“Wait what? What baby? Y/n/n you’re a virgin. How can you be pregnant? Are you lying to me? Have you not been a virgin this entire time?” He asked, worry seeping through his voice.

“No silly, I’d never lie to you. I mean the baby I want you to put inside me” you spoke the words in themselves causing your nose to crinkle up. Okay maybe you’d had a little bit too much to drink. Well yes of course you had, it was your wedding night you couldn’t not drink.

“Oh is that so? But this is your first time...”

“We’ve already establishes that...what’s your point?”

“My point is, that don’t you want your first time to be special and memorable instead of having your first time be trying for a baby?”

“But your my husband? And married couples try for children. You’d die you wanted a baby. Did that change?” You pondered, wondering exactly what was going on inside his head. If only inside out was an actual real thing that you could see.

With that Hayden pressed a sloppy kiss to you forehead, scattering time little kisses to you cheeks, chin, eyes and finally you lips. Trying to call you down before he began to explain. Once he was satisfied, he finally pulled away from your kiss swollen lips. “No no of course not y/n...I just.....didn’t expect you to want to try for a baby straight away.” He explain, stroking his hand along your cheek.

“Do you want to?” You asked.

“Of course. If you want to start right away then I’m more then happy to oblige my love” he replied.

“Then let’s get down to business lover boy” you teased, slowly pressing your hand against his boxers as soon as you got the chance.

“No baby, that’s not fair, my girl deserves the lovin tonight. I can wait. Just want you to feel good” he spoke lovingly, prying you’re warm hand away from his boxers before slowly making his way down your half naked body, taking he sweet time showing appreciation to each little part of your body, making sure nothing goes without his appreciation. But after a while of just listening to your whimpers and begs for him to finally touch you where you needed him the most he finally got down to your white lacy panties.

“These are beautiful baby, but their Gonna have to go” You giggled as he slid them down your legs slowly, revealing your already aching and throbbing core to him. Something felt different about this. But it was a good different.Kissing every inch of them. Shivers raced down your spine as the inevitable neared closer. Sure you've done stuff with him but it's never ended in sex. No, you've been saving that for tonight and now it was here you felt nervous. But even with the nerves, you craved his mouth on your heat. You needed to feel his tongue all over you.

“God....always so wet for me baby, haven’t even really touched you yet.” he groand causing you to cover your face with your hands, hiding your cheeks as they heated up.

However, he was right. You’d always been so responsive to Hayden’s touch. Even if you both hadn’t experienced sex with each other yet. you still being a complete virgin just made this so much better.

He moved them away almost as soon as they were there, his eyes locked on yours "I want you to watch as i eat this pussy baby, don't go all shy on me now" he ordered, his smile growing each time you felt his breath fan against your already puffy folds. God how you needed him more then you had ever needed him before.

Your back arched at the all too familiar feeling of his mouth on your bundle of nerves. You griped onto his hair, messing it up in the process as you tugged. His fingers circled your tight hole before he slowly sliped one in. You winced at the stretch, he'd never done this before but he did promise to prepare you for the big moment.

He knew it’d been something that'd lived in your head rent free. He knew you're scared to fully give yourself up to him. But he was going to make sure that he prepared you as well as he ever could. Stretching you until his fingers would move painlessly through you with precision, then AND only then would he finally slip into you inch by inch letting you feel every inch of him. But for now, he’d settle for eating you out until his heart was content whilst his finger stayed still inside you for now, feeling every little quiver of your pussy as he sucked visiously on your clit whilst a second finger poked and proded at your entrance before sliding in beside his over. Slowly beginning to move them in a scissor like formation which cause you to hiss in pain. It wasn’t the most painful thing in the world but it was still uncomfortable of course it was.

“Shhh baby, it’s okay I’ve got you. Just relax. Everything will be okay” he hummed against your clit, twisting and pulling at it with his teeth before slowly but surly pulling it into his mouth, sucking harshly as he continued to make you sing with his fingers, curling them delicately against your fluttering walls. Listening to each moan and each curse that you made.

“Always so verbal my love, and always so delicious. Taste like honey” he informed whilst licking at your clit. Never once letting go whilst his fingers began to speed up inside you. Stretching you out until you no longer felt the pain each time he curled them up to your g-stop. And that was your downfall. With one last curl of his fin he ran and one last suck of your clit you were cumming, moaning his name loudly whilst tugging hard at his hair.

But he didn’t stop. Not until he was completely satisfied that you were ready for him. Beckoning 2 more delicious orgasms out of you before he was satisfied that you had suffered enough from the fourplay. It was time to finally give in. Already rock hard in his pants he pulled his boxers down. Letting out a moan as he felt the relief of finally releasing the pressure. But still he longed to be inside of you.

“Now I’ll ask you one last time baby, are you sure you don’t want me to wear a condom baby? This is a big deal” he spoke softly, clearly worrying for his new wife more then you’d realised. This man really was the kindest Male you’d met. “Yes....I’m ready baby, I want a child with you” you whispered lovingly as you mumbled against his lips.

Needing to feel him once more before of course feeling him beginning to push into you. Hissing in pain as he fully stretched you out further then his fingers had. A small line of tears slowly leaving your eyes as you tried to calm yourself, small trickles of blood visible. But of course he didn’t let you look, he never would. Instead he kissed your lips. Giving you as much time as you needed to get used to the usual fullness of his cock inside of you. Finally becoming his.

“Hayden.....please....move” you begged after 10 minutes of just feeling him inside of you. Your entrance raw as he finally began to thrust carefully into your aching pussy. Moans and grains filling the room. This wasn’t fucking, this wasn’t just sex. No in fact this was truely making love. And from that moment on you’d be forever his.

❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅

2 years later

The years leading to this very moment had been perfectly normal, little to no disturbances. In fact the pair of you led a pretty normal life together.

“Y/n love? Can you help me please? I need to feed Lilah but Maisie and Kaden won’t stop clinging at my legs.” Your husband of 2 years now begged as you wandered into the kitchen, laughing as you saw your 1 year old twins Kaden and Maisie grabbing at Hayden’s legs.

“Alright you two little minx’s get off of daddy shall we?” You spoke, softly scooping the little one up off of the floor and into your arms as they giggled, happily his curling into your arms. Allowing your husband enough time to feed your new born little baby Lilah. “Thank you gorgeous” he spoke, slowly kissing your neck lovingly before pulling away. This was the life you’d made for yourselves and you loved it.

Tag list: @jtargaryen18 @et-lesailes @chuckbass-love @cevans-fics

#chris evans #chris evans cute #chris evans hot #his laugh though 🥺#chris evans sexy #chris evans x you #chris evans characters #chris evans x reader #harvard hottie #Hayden x you #harvard hottie x you #the nanny diaries #Chris evans in the nanny diaries

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steveandbucky · 3 years

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I don’t understand if ur serious when u say that you’re anti fatws (esp bucky) lol???? for real?

yeah i think he’s not bucky. OOC. and like, not for stupid shit, but when it comes to stuff that matters. i always thought bucky has a solid moral compass (similar to steves). i mean just from what we’ve seen in canon, idk if this is just my own intrepratations, but anyway, i don’t agree with his actions, i dont agree with him asking sam to put his safety on the line with the ‘you helped steve with the accords i think you should help me’ ok bucky you were taken in as a refugee by an untouchable nation, sam was put into a supermax prison steve had to break him out of, and then was on the run as a fugitive for two years. the absolute NERVE.

and like, the man he breaks out of prison is z*mo? really? that’s his ABUSER. i don’t understand why no one else seems upset by this. that’s not bucky. OOC. if he wanted any help from z*mo, he could have asked for him to help from behind the bars he very much deserves to be behind. if he refused to help, oh well, too bad, buh bye. i dont understand who thought this was a good idea. are we forgetting z*mo intentionally triggered bucky into going into his winter soldier programming, which resulted in bucky killing again? the thing he did not want to do? he literally says, over and over again, ‘i dont do that anymore’ and ‘i dont want to kill anyone’ and ‘(resigned) wheres the fight’.

im not gonna describe *that scene* that triggered me very badly, if you dont know what im talking about im sorry but i cannot physically write the words. but im very very upset at the writers for a throwaway line that implies past sexual abuse* knowing FULL well the majority of their demographic who like bucky/identify with him are in fact women/afab, and like, going by the statistics alone, would find something like this 1. triggering and 2. a slap in the face. just, for why? what purpose did that line serve, actually? was it necessary? for plot progession? (*though, i maintain, z*mo doesnt know shit, he’s being a dick bc thats half his personality, and talking shit bc thats the other half of his personality). but yeah. one of the major reasons i dont like whoever it was that writes bucky in this show.

another thing, the obsession with the shield? putting all that blame onto sam? i mean... i understand he’s upset about being abandoned by his best friend (and arguably only friend, i guess?) but like. shut up about the shield. shut up about the shield!!! where’s the ‘the little guy from brooklyn, im following him’ like bucky never gave a shit about captain america. whats going on through his head actually? bc like.. if there’s things he’s not saying, we won’t fucking know about them, will we?

i honestly dont know what the writers are doing, i don’t know whether they’re completely misunderstanding his characer, or trying to foreshadow bucky going to the dark side, or whats going on. bc at this point he looks more like an antagonist at the very least, if not outright villain.

the only accurate bucky content i have seen so far is like, him and sam acting like a married couple, him making nerdy references, and the flashback scene in wakanda which is the only time i have seen sebastian stan actually acting.

i don’t know who this fool is, but it’s not bucky.

as for the show in general, im not liking what im seeing, and no i dont need to watch it to form an opinion. not gonna put myself through however many hours of mediocre content. i never had high hopes about it, but this half-assed storyline with the flag smashers (clearly a poor attempt at portraying antifas as the enemy), the super soldier serum, the dollar store captain america, z*mo??? why is he even here????

sam not having enough of the spotlight...in his own goddamn show... like. idk. i think he deserved something of his own. a better storyline. something that’s about *him*, his life, his struggles. with bucky as his sidekick. sam, pretending to be too sensible to run into crazy shit, bucky, resigned, being dragged along, being sam’s wingman, his support. *thats* their dynamic. from what i have seen about sam’s scenes, he seems to be more or less in character, imo, but i just... feel like he’s being sidelined. in his own show.

THE THERAPY/THERAPIST. I hate EVERYTHING about it. from her demeanor, attitude towards her client, not addressing him by his preferred name, her judgmental tone/statements, her belittling/dismissing bucky’s pain, her ‘rules’ and just. everything. everything. for ONCE i would like to see an ACCURATE portrayal of therapy in media. because it’s the opposite. the exact opposite of this. there’s a long thread from twitter i reblogged that goes more into detail, but i think like, it’s one of those things that really piss me off. therapy is about creating a safe space, putting your patients comfort first, listening, empathising, not judging, not mocking, not disrespecting, helping your patient open up, help them recover and make progress at their own pace. i mean. its so disgusting to see this. i’ve never had professional psychologist training, not as part of my degree or anything else, and i wrote a fic with steve going to therapy that’s 100% better than this bullshit we’re being served (and at the time i wrote the fic, i had never been to therapy, only counselling, which is very different). how come? why cant they, with their budget and their resources, their ability to conduct extensive research and even hire consultants, not do a better job with this part of the show? disappointing. truly.

maybe i don’t know exactly what’s going on, plotwise, or whatever, but like, if i dont like what i’m seeing, why would i invest more time to find out more about the show? the mcu has been steadily declining since 2016, lets be real. civil war, infinity war, endgame... this was all an absolute shitshow. fatws can only do so much with the canon they are being given to work with, without outright retconning everything, but even so... it’s weak. i always thought the writers wouldnt be able to write anything thats half as good as the stuff fans come up with and... i think i was right.

thanks for the question.

#anti fatws #sorry babes but not good enough #Anonymous

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chikkou · 4 years

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Will you talk more about Lisa?? Lisa the character specifically but also your feelings on his feelings about Buddy? I just thought your analysis was so good and I want to hear other thoughts you have on her.

yall are honestly spoiling me rn sdhkfdjfks this is like a dream come true

i already got into the stuff with buddy in this ask here but i have a LOT to say about lisa and the connection between her and buddy so u better settle in!

ok so firstly ill start with lisa. i played the original lisa game (lisa the first) not long after it first dropped in 2012, and im not even kidding when i said it changed me LMAO.... seeing a story about a girl suffering is nothing new, but austin jorgensens approach to it was so fucking unique. you dont just witness it, you get to EXPERIENCE it right along with her. many stories that involve sexual abuse/rape show or otherwise depict it explicitly for the shock value, which is both disgusting and, in my opinion, extremely fucking exploitative. i feel that it is horrific to dignify an act so deeply evil with screentime. but lisa stood out to me immediately because, even though you know exactly whats going on, the game NEVER shows anything explicit. everything is layered in subtext and symbolism, and austin is fantastic with indirect storytelling, so you learn so much from just a little drop of information. this applies not just to the game proper, but to the character as well.

in case its not clear: i absolutely ADORE lisa. she is my favorite character in all of the games, bar none. its going to sound kind of fucked up, but as a kid around her age going through some fucked up shit, her committing suicide at the end felt like a sort of victory to me. she knew she could never escape from marty or what he was doing to her. he leaks into every single part of her psyche, everything she ever cared about or loved is ruined because of him, and even the vague memory of her mother is completely corrupted, and turned into a muddled version of him. lisa the first also had the added benefit of some religious commentary, as there are crosses all over their home and marty is characterized as an extremely religious man, which i fucking LOVE and wish had come back in the painful, but its an acceptable loss. anyway, lisa committing suicide at the end was an act of defiance against not just marty, but martys god, as suicide is considered a mortal sin in catholicism. lisa knew she’d never be free of marty in life, so she escaped the only way she could; she was defiant to the end.

ive seen people complain that the painful has a bit of a “lost lenore” thing going on, since lisas death seems to fuel the Manpain of both brad and buzzo, but i actually disagree. on the contrary, its just like austin himself said - lisa will never be gone. lisa is ALWAYS there, with brad, and buzzo, and buddy, and marty, and yado, and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. i dont necessarily think that there is something paranormal going on in the game, but i AM going to say that, unlike other cases of a girl/woman dying for a mans backstory, lisa isnt just a bittersweet memory they can reflect on and then put away when its convenient for them. she is a presence that is felt throughout the entire game. brad sees her more than once, sometimes watching, sometimes reprimanding him. buzzo is clearly haunted by her, as he cries out to her a few times in the joyful. every character who was directly touched by lisa - brad, marty, and buzzo - calls out to lisa as they die. call it their guilt or call it her actions, but in either case, it is clear that lisa just as significant of a character in the painful as she was in the first, even if she cant always be seen. even in a meta-sense, every game in the series - even the joyful, whose protagonist doesnt even know who she is - is named after her. she is at the center of everything that happens in them.

that actually brings me to buddy, because i find the dynamic between her and lisa fucking fascinating. as i previously mentioned, brad never talked about his past with buddy, and snaps at her for bringing up his adoptive son dusty (rando), so it goes without saying that she definitely doesnt know who lisa is. in spite of that, though, lisa is a fucking massive part of buddys life, and while she may not know the person herself, i think she is aware that when people (and brad especially) look at her, they arent seeing HER.

i mentioned it in another post, but even though brad takes it upon himself to raise and “protect” buddy, he seems to almost unwittingly recreate lisas appearance, primarily by allowing her hair to grow long even though he knows what a risk that is to her safety. he also treats buddy in a manner thats incredibly similar to how marty treated lisa (sans sexual abuse, of course) - he insults her, does not let her leave the house at all, and forces her to do unsavory things that no one should ever have to do (in buddys case, this means killing at least two innocent people because brad doesnt want a “weak” daughter). the most literal comparison between buddy and lisa is the fact that they are both very young girls being essentially held captive by their father figures, albeit for different reasons, and both long for freedom from their captors.

theres also the fact that both buddy and lisa have to deal with misogyny and the effects of rape culture firsthand; they both battle against men who feel entitled to do with them whatever they please, and the threat of ongoing sexual abuse looms heavy over both of their heads. neither one can seek help from anyone; the neighbors in brad and lisas town seem complacent at best, if they even know what is happening to lisa at all, and buddys only allies (sans rando) are long dead by the start of the joyful. this is not just a hypothetical or a distant possibility. this is the real, tangible fate that will befall them if they cant somehow secure their safety.

sadly, because lisa wasnt playable in either of the rpgs, we dont know if she was able to fight as brad was, but it is highly probable that she had the innate skill but was never able to learn it (as marty highly discouraged them from learning “their grandfathers karate,” and seemed disgusted whenever brad did so). however, she did have ONE weapon she could make use of, and this is a weapon buddy ends up using, as well - her femininity. she became close to bernard (aka buzzo), made him fall in love with her, and then used him as a last ditch effort to stop martys abuse by having him mutilate her face. im not saying lisa never cared about bernard - in fact, i think she DID really love and care for him - but her own fucked up experiences with “love” meant she really couldnt understand what it was supposed to be like, or that it was wrong to manipulate the people you care about. lisa did very few things wrong - it pretty much just stops at the maiming of the cat and her manipulation of bernard - but she knew that she would never get away from marty without some kind of drastic action being taken, and scarring herself was her last ditch effort before ultimately committing suicide.

buddy ends up taking a somewhat similar tack in the joyful, and like in lisas case, its simultaneously resourceful and horrific. one of buddys key moves in the joyful is to flash the enemy (which the player obviously doesnt see) in order to distract them long enough to get the kill. its fucking horrible and disgusting and makes you feel so dirty, but then, how must buddy feel having to do something like that just to survive? shes just a child, but in a world where almost every man is out to get you, she knows this has to be done to save herself, very much like lisa. unlike in lisas case, though, buddy is successful in securing her safety in this way - lisas effort is for naught, and leads to her committing suicide not very long after.

in a way, i sort of attribute buddys brutality to lisas omnipresence; all of the men pursuing buddy are just like marty, monsters who would harm a fucking child for their own disgusting ends, and i think that when buzzo said that lisa wouldve loved olathe, what he means is that she would have loved seeing so many horrible men being punished for what theyd done. so in my opinion, buddy carving out a place for herself in olathe by killing all those who would subjugate her seems very much in the mentality lisa would have had. sure, there are some innocents who sadly get roped into it, but that would definitely not be her intention; for example, if buzzo could have practiced amputation without harming a living thing, i dont think lisa would have asked him to practice on the cat. note the LACK of brutality at the beehive and the swamp bar, two of the few peaceful places in the painful and both devoid of predatory men hunting for buddy - lisa has no qualm with any of them. but marty? brad could hardly even get a full sentence out before killing him on the spot. i dont doubt that that has a great deal to do with lisas presence.

ok i talked for a while LMAO but basically i think that, in a more metatextual sense, lisa and buddys relationship really strikes me as an accurate depiction of generational trauma. of course it was intentional with the more obvious trauma chain (marty to brad to buddy), but the trauma chain of marty to lisa to buddy is rarely ever addressed due to lisa not physically appearing in the painful. however, i believe it may inform buddys actions a great deal more than people realize - after all, buddys experience is unique, but who could understand it better than lisa? who knows that sort of pain, of being alone on an island, the lone woman trapped with a man (or men) who want nothing more than to cause you harm? even without her realizing it, lisa is guiding buddy, encouraging her to take back what is hers no matter the cost, to punish those who would try to take what they want from her. lisa might be dead, but she is a vengeful presence throughout every game, and buddys actions feel like theyre meant not only to save herself, but to avenge lisa, even if she doesnt realize it. at the end of the day, buddy and lisa both get to exact revenge against all the men who have wronged them, and they succeed. they are aggressive, and violent, and selfish, and ANGRY - and they have every fucking right to be.

#lisa the first #lisa the painful #lisa the joyful #long post #yall GOTTA stop u know good and damn well i will talk about this game all fucking day hdskjdsk #rape mention #abuse mention #lisa #anya's anons

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imgoingtohellsofuckit · 4 years

Text

Cocky Hero pt 2

I didn’t want to make this a series but I’m in love with Hawks soo here ya go

Hawks x Reader

Warnings - alcohol use, mentions of abuse (mention no descriptions or anything and its very brief)

Summary - Hawks can’t get you out of his head, lucky for him you can’t get him out of yours either

So there you are, waking up in the number two heroes bed. You're fancy gown from the party on the ground and makeup all smeared off. You look over to see Hawks holding onto you tightly. For someone so keen on hookups your surprised he's still holding onto you. Or even that you're still in his bed with him. You move pulling from his arms grabbing your clothes from the ground making your way through the room over to the bathroom.

"Oh man he really doesn't hold back," You say as you look at the deep purple marks along your neck. You sigh lightly. Deciding not to worry about it as you wipe away your makeup and pull your clothes from last night on.

"You want something more comfortable?" You hear from the door. You look to see Hawks smiling lightly as he watches you.

"Depends on what you're gonna put me in," You say.

"My clothes," He smirks. You roll your eyes deciding to look back to the mirror. "I'll grab you a hoodie at least."

"Fine," You say.

He moves pulling away from the door frame to his room. Returning a couple seconds later with a black hoodie.

"Thanks," You say as you pull it over you dress, "I'll call a cab. I've got to get to my house before I go into the office. I'll get this cleaned and mail it back-"

"Nah keep it," Hawks says, "you look better in it anyways."

"I can't keep your clothes Hawks," You say looking to him, "I'll just have an intern drop it off to your agency."

"You're not even gonna drop it off man thats cold," Hawks says.

"Did you get attached?" You say with a smirk.

"Attached? No more like I'm not used to not being the one in control," He says, "every other girl wants me to fly them home and to keep my clothes. Thinking it'll pull me back in ya know."

"I'm not like those girls Hawks," You say, "I have my own game. And I simply play it better than you."

"Do you now?" He asks.

"I guess that's for you to figure out," You say, "now if you'll excuse me I have to get ready for work." You grab your purse then instead of calling a taxi you just place your hand against the wall. Hawks watches carefully. Your quirk. It's portal something pretty cool. When he first heard about it the first time he met you he thought it was one of the neatest quirks he's seen. Making a portal you could move through going anywhere you need. He was surprised you never went into the hero career with a quirk like that. "Try not to miss me too much," You say looking back to Hawks.

"I have a feeling you should worry about your self," He says.

"Sure Hawks," You say before stepping through the portal. It closes leaving Hawks alone. He chuckles lightly.

"Shes... different," He says softly, "man I need to get ready."

So while Hawks was running around to get ready to meet up with Dabi and the League to work out that situation. You were getting ready at your own quick pace. Using that long distance portal exhausted your quirk meaning you wouldn't be able to use it to get to work. Which is fine you've travelled everyway to work so it won't be too much of a pain but still. You could push a bit and use your quirk... it's irresponsible but... it's better time management. You cave using a second portal to pop into her office.

"Wow you're here early," Impression says, "especially considering your company last night."

"Didn't I hear whispering that you went home with MT Lady?" You shoot back, "you have no room to talk." Impression chuckles.

"Sure I have no room to talk but I'm going to anyways," He says, "Hawks is such a man whore. I'm surprised you went home with him. I mean you had plenty of people all over you."

"Yeah but you didn't feel the energy between them," Kami says, "the sexual tension was suffocating. I thought I was gonna die."

You roll your eyes at the comment.

"Besides we all know that every single one of these events we've been invited to Hawks finds himself at her side," Kami says, "he either is in love with you or super attracted to you."

"Anyways," You say moving to your desk to pull out everything for today, "we have a lot of work to do... Kami you are missing about 13 accident reports, Impression you have been asked to speak at UA about hero etiquette to the first years. Have either of you seen Mimica? Because he misfiled a report and I had to track it down at the commission and redo the entire thing."

They knew it was time to work So the Hawks topic dropped and everyone focused on their own matters. Soon the day was over releasing them to their own lives. The others left but you remained back. As always you're gonna be the last to leave. Always needing to finish that last thing before you could go home. When you finally stepped outside onto the street in the thick dark of the night you regretted the extra portal this morning.

"Hey you need a ride?"

You turn to see blond locks and crimson wings. Hawks. But what is he doing here?

"No I was gonna take the train home," You share.

"Nah a pretty lady like you shouldn't be on the train," He says, "let me fly you home."

"I couldn't ask you to do that," You say, "seriously it's no big deal I ride the train all the time."

"I'm offering," He says, "come on what do you have to lose?"

You think for a second. What do you have to lose? You start to step towards him. But instead give him a smirk. Then you press your hand against the wall. A portal to your apartment pops up. You're definitely feeling the overuse but honestly to mess with this cocky bastard it's worth it.

"You're right I shouldn't use the train," You say, "well goodnight Hawks."

"Wait-"

You step inside before he can say anything else.

He looks back at the wall you just walked through.

"Man she's gone," He says, "thats a shame. I wanted to talk to her. Oh well."

Back at your house you collapse on your couch. Clearly exhausted. You see something on your couch and smile lightly. It's the hoodie Hawks lent you. You move grabbing it. It's super soft and it smells like his apartment. That woodsy scent that was all nice and piney.

My phone buzzes. I pull it from my pocket to see an unknown number.

Unknown- Impression gave me your number

It took a lot of convincing

A lot

Y/n - Who is this?

Unknown - Oh guess I should of said that

It's Hawks

Number 2 hero

Y/n - Why do you have my number?

Unknown - Had to know if you go home safely

Y/n - You shouldn't worry about me I'm stronger than your giving me credit for

Unknown - Remind me not to underestimate you.

Pretty and talented.

What's it like being perfect?

Y/n - It's adorable that you think I'm perfect but even I have my flaws

Unknown - likww what/?

augh

ugh sorrry harsd to tyep whjike

caan io vcaall you;

Y/n - I'm a really busy gal I don't know if I have the time

Unknown - :(

Y/n - You have five minutes" make it count

Unknown - :)

He doesn't hesitate. You move answering the call.

"Hello beautiful," He says. I can hear the smirk in his voice. "Miss me?"

"Not really," You answer.

"Wow brutal," He says, "is that how you handle all the trolls online? Or those bitchy reporters?"

"I take them down with more force," You reply, "swift, forceful."

"Mmm so you like fast and forceful?" He asks. You roll your eyes.

"Yeah you wish," You say, "can't last long enough can you?"

"Wanna test that?" He says, "I'm sure I'll make it worthwhile."

"You said that last time."

"And I kept my promise didn't I?" He asks.

"Sure," You reply, "if that's what you want to hear."

"Oh come on you seemed to like it last night~" He teases, "I mean come on I had you moaning so loud. It's a good thing I don't have any neighbors."

"You ever hear of faking it?"

"Don't mock me like that," He says, "you know I'm fragile."

"You are anything but fragile," You say, "by the way you have 3 minutes."

"Oh you're really timing me?" He asks, "you're brutal. How am I supposed to make you fall in love with me if you won't play along."

"Fall for you? Is that what you think is gonna happen?" You ask.

"Not if you don't play along," He pouts, "come on what is it that makes you not want to fall for me? I mean I'm hot. I'm good in bed. I admire the fact you are also hot and good in bed."

"Sorry Hawks but I don't fall in love like that," You shrug, "besides your not my type."

"What?" He asks, "how am I not your type. You slept with me. Aren't you like attracted to me."

"Physically," You cut him off, "but romantically you aren't the type I go for."

"What do you go for?"

"Mm hold that thought for another day Hawks... you are out of time," You smirk.

"What? No way!" He exclaims, "you're really gonna leave right now?"

"Sorry I'm a busy gal," You say, "try again another day~"

You end the call before you can say anything else. While you were entertained with your game deciding to move to your night time routine. Poor Hawks on the other hand was staring at your number clearly frustrated with you taking his chance from him. It's his game. He isn't the one who gets played. He's the player!

"She's so cheeky," He says softly, "well guess I have to just try harder."

And so his new mission is set.

"Impression I need those reports asap," You say looking firmly at the pro, "you're behind as it is and I need you to look at the kids from the sports festival. You know internships are important for rising heroes to bring attention to the agency so you want to bring in a few kids to work with."

"I hate to interrupt," Kami says approaching me, "but something came for you." You look over at her to see her holding a bouquet full of flowers. Roses.

"You hookup with someone last night?" Impression asks, "because they seem to be a bit of a simp."

"Not a hookup just a parasite," You say taking the flowers from her. You look at the card and your suspicions are confirmed.

Hey beautiful, you aren't playing the game right - Hawks

"Who's it from?" Impression asks. You show him the card and he just chuckles lightly. "Well now you'll know not to mess with guys like him." You sigh as you move to your desk. You place them carefully in the vase as the two heroes look at me.

"Is he just too attached or is it something?" Kami asks.

"He's trying to play my game," You say simply, "he wants me to fall for him. I want him to fall for me. He wants to be the player, I want to be the heart breaker."

"Two players hookup and now one of them has to finally lose," Kami says, "that's so fanfic. I love it."

"At least it makes my game more interesting," You say. You pull your phone out and send on message to the man.

Y/n - I like daisies more

Kami leans over my shoulder to see the message and smirks lightly.

"Wow you really are just playing him like a violin," She says, "that's exciting."

"Exciting or not it's my personal life and we are still on the clock. So back to what I was saying and Kami this involves you. Pick out the kids you want extend offers to by tonight so I can call the schools to set everything up. Alright?"

"Yes Ma'am," Impression says, "I'll get right on that."

"Yep," Kami says.

As they move off I sit down at my desk to start on my reports. I get through about half when my phone starts to buzz against the desk. I look down to see Hawks messaged me back.

Hawks - Do I at least get points for trying?

Y/n - No

Hawks - boo

ur making the game hard

Y/n - you don't have to play we could just return to our normal lives

Hawks - You don't want to play?

Y/n - I'll admit that I'm enjoying this game. It's harder this way. Which makes it so much more fun...

Hawks - Then it's settled we have to finish the game.

Y/n - Sounds good to me

I can't wait to win

Hawks - Well look who sounds cocky now

Y/n - I have to get back to work

Besides I'm sure you have to as well

Hawks - boo

You decide to put your phone away and go back to the reports. At the end of your shift Kami waves you down to to invite you to a club. You accept. Walking closely with her and a couple of the sidekicks. It's a impromptu girls night apparently. She had gathered a bunch of the ladies in the office and dragged you all into a club to unwind.

You swirl the vodka and redbull mix as you look over at her.

"Do you want to settle down?" She asks me.

"Settle down?" You ask, "no I really don't. I want to enjoy my youth not worry about some girl or guy that's also trying to figure their life out."

"What about that Edgeshot?" She offers, "you've slept with him a bunch and you said you like him."

"I like him the same way you like that booty call you keep going back to," You correct, "it's physical but he's boring. I want someone who's fun and hot. Someone who can keep up with me."

"Who does that sound like?" She asks.

"No one," You chuckle, "if I met someone like that I'd eat them right up." I sip my drink as she glares lightly at me.

"Okay okay so you don't want to settle down," She says, "you want this picture perfect person first try. Do you think we live in a fairy tale?"

"No," You say honestly, "but I know I don't want to date anyone until I find someone who sticks out. Someone who sees me as more than a pretty face ya know? Like okay take the guys I hook up with. They are fun and attractive. But they don't want the emotional stuff. Which is fine cause they are hookups. But if I wanted something real. Something long term. I'd want this person to connect with me on a spiritual level. Match my fast life ya know."

"You're too picky," She slurs.

"You're too boring," You say, "okay- as fun as this girls night is... I'm bored. Soooo how about bow tie over there?"

"You gonna take him home?"

"If he'll have me," You smirk. You stand flipping your skirt up to make it just a bit shorter then ruffle your hair lighter. "Okay how do I look?"

"Hot," She says. You nod.

"Perfect now come dance with me," You say. You take her hand dragging her to the dance floor. As the fast pace song comes on the two of you moving dancing together. Doing pretty much everything to draw attention of the guys scouting for a hook up. Some guy moves offering to by Kami a drink leaving you dancing with one of the sidekicks. Suddenly you feel a finger tap on your shoulder. You turn to see a familiar face. But it's completely out of place. "Hawks? What are you doing here?"

"You texted me," He says, "'come to Veil I need someone to party with'"

"That sneaky bitch," You say softly.

"What?" He asks.

"My coworker texted you," You explain, "she loves to meddle you know."

"So I was pulled into something?" He asks, "I can't believe I'm being used. What a shame I was super excited to see you cave. And well to see you like this." You chuckle lightly.

"Well if you're already here... I guess it wouldn't hurt for you to buy me a drink," You suggest. He chuckles.

"Well I'm not opposed to spending time with you," He says, "come on."

You lead him to the bar. Each of you order your drink then he hands his card over.

"You party on weekdays often?" He asks me.

"Only when someone else suggests it," You answer, "I'm not going to be the one who leads the decision but I will gladly take advantage of the chance. Do you normally send roses to girls you hookup with?"

"I hate to admit it but you're the first," he says, "you're the only one playing the long game. You'll take a bit more work."

"Will I?" You ask, "mother always said I was high maintenance."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah I always had to have the best growing up," You tell him, "you know I attended UA? It was for General Studies sure but still. And I went to UA's college."

"Wow flashy school," He says.

"Yeah well I had to get in even if it wasn't to be a hero," You share, "it was the best. My mother wasn't a fan on the fancy private school price tho."

"I can imagine," He says, "what does your mother do?"

"She was a baker," You tell him, "she passed my last year of high school."

"I'm sorry for your loss," He says softly.

"It's in the past," You say, "what about you?"

"My parents they aren't around," He says.

"I'm sorry," You say.

"Don't be," He says, "sometimes thats better."

"I get what you mean," You tell him, "pops ran out on my mom and I when I was in middle school. He was the worst. Alcoholic who beat on my mom and I. He died last year. And somehow to me thats better than having him alive."

"Ah tragic origin stories," Hawks says, "they really bread some great people."

"I know," You say, "cheers to that." You both clink your drinks together. You chug as much as you can. Hawks is slightly taken back but quickly moves to keep up. You set down the empty class and look back to him. "Come dance with me."

"Of course beautiful," he says smirking. You move dragging him onto the dance floor. Dancing to the fast song. He's all smiles as he watches you move. He can't tell if its the alcohol or if you are just that care free. But watching you move like you were the only person in the room was hypnotic.

After a couple songs he can't hold it back anymore.

"I hate to break the mood but- you're really making it hard for me to hold back," He groans.

"My place is down the street," You tell him, "one portal and we can be there in a flash."

"I'd like that very much," He says. You move taking his hand and leading him towards the wall. You place your hand on the wall and the portal opens.

"Last chance to back out," You tell him.

"I don't back out," He says. You smirk.

"Good," You say pulling him through the portal to your home.

#hawks x reader #hawks bnha #keigo takami x reader #keigo takami #my hero academia #my hero academia x reader #bnha #mha

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wizisbored · 4 years

Note

What are some of your favorite lines you've written for your fics? (Also I'm sorry things aren't going well right now. Sending love 💜)

right its time to go diggin im using this as an excuse to reread everything because i cant think of any lines off the top of my head even though i know theres a shitton

premptively putting a cut here because this will probably end up long as shit and you know what fuck yea to that because fuck yea to being proud of what youve made

hallelujah, first thing i posted:

If those bastards want to make her part of their shitty musical, then she’s going to make it difficult. Or at least inconvenient.

The hive is not inconvenienced in the slightest.’

- idk if this is as funny as i think it is but i find it funny

"Nobody dies with dignity, Emma. There's no honour in the thing, however you dress it up."

- wrote that to sound creepy and now i cant decide whether i actually think its true

But he’s holding her like she’s his salvation, as if it’s his life hanging in the balance.

- salvation is just a good word tbh

It’s hopeless, but she refuses to be killed by a game of fucking ‘got your nose’.

purgatory, intended to be a shitpost but now i unironically think of it as the best thing ive ever written

After a few years (or maybe seconds, it’s not clear) / it takes a moment (or maybe it doesn’t, who knows?) / An undocumentable amount of time passes. / They might have slipped into an uneasy silence lasting millenia - or milliseconds - if it wasn’t for the jolly tune that suddenly fills the air. / for minutes or years or millenia or maybe even eons / After a brief, indescribably long nap / But the incomprehensible amount of time seems somehow shorter this time.

- 2 in one of fucking with the concept of time and hinting at an unreliable narrator, hell yea. its about the weird atmosphere, baybeeeee

“Does one day of trying the hardest we could outweigh years of not trying at all?” Emma wonders aloud. Paul squeezes her hand.

“I damn hope so.”

He doesn’t ask if she believes in Hell.

- even without context i like this line but in context it really helped set the sombre tone so i could do a full 180 at the end of the chapter

Emma wonders whether they’ve been sent to musical hell for failing to stop the musical apocalypse

- love the implication that there is a hell dedicated to annoying people via musical theatre

“You said- you told her you’d never be in a musical?”

“Yes.”

“And then you died performing a musical number?”

“I- yeah, I did.”

“Brilliant! Now, that is stupid!”

- probably my best characterisation of death, sounds like something that would be said in a stupid deaths bit, i can hear it in his voice

teachers pet

“It’s only blatant if people know about it. So in actual fact this is secret favouritism.”

- hidgens gives absolutely 0 shits about the ethics of the situation good for him

“And if that is kidnapping, well, consider yourself kidnapped.”

- once again ethics simply do not matter

“Oh, where is your sense of adventure? Are you not curious about the results of washing baked beans?”

- this line hants me when im trying to make stew or just have some fucking beans on toast because I am curious about the results of washing baked beans

“Well, if it isn’t, and we both die, then I’ll be quite disappointed. We did spend all evening on this, after all.”

- priorities

finishing what we started, actually originally a scrapped ending idea for igtlt that i liked too much to abandon entirely

“How many bullets?” He eventually asks.

“Enough.”

- they just know what theyve got to do

Only thing left to say is a big ol’ fuck you to… God, everyone else in the fucking world. Oh, and God. Fuck you God, you prick.

- gotta love them tto refs

wildfire, almost 20,000 words of angst that im going to read through because fuck it why not

She doesn't understand the order, at least not yet; a dog doesn't understand the first time she's called to heel. But that can change. Though, from the bared teeth of this dog, the trader guesses it may take a while.

- this is actually something i really like doing in narration, calling a character something in dialogue or comparison and then directly calling them it in the narration

He understands; she doesn't want to show weakness to someone who could exploit her, doesn't want to show gratitude to someone she hates. But the tribeswoman is tired and scared and hurt, and it's obvious. She's broken, at least for today.

The loneliness, however, refuses to wane. It settles in her chest like a physical need, a craving for closeness.

- got inspiration for this description by thinking about hugging my partner while i was stuck in lockdown

"You can say that again," the older woman mutters, shaking her head. "God-fuckin'-damnit, Lauren, why d'you never think about the implications?"

Jemilla turns to her with a questioning look. "Who's Lauren?"

"She-" Molag begins to explain, then pauses. She thinks for a moment, then shakes her head. "I don't even know."

- crossover jokes hell yea

He’s tolerable, she’s decided, at least relatively so, but not trustworthy. If she could truly trust him then he wouldn’t be involved in all this. If she could trust him, she wouldn’t know him.

The thinly-veiled threat in his grin

She stares up at the man, shaking, whimpering, pleading. Wordlessly begging for him to stop.

- gotta love reaching the breaking point

She probably looks insane, bruised and bloody and laughing quietly to herself in a cage. She doesn’t care. They can think she’s insane, just as long as they don’t think they broke her.

laughing as they rediscover half-forgotten days spent as children let loose in a world that seemed so huge and yet so small at the same time

“You know, kids like Zazzalil - scrawny little things born as Autumn died - they’re not supposed to see Spring.”

- i will see any character without a detailed fleshed-out backstory and say ‘is anyone going to make headcannons about that’ and then not wait for an answer

Maybe the pain will shock her out of her head.

im going to live twice

It feels more like a bag of broken crockery than a human.

- this was the only time ive ever had to describe something really gory and decided to make it as uncomfy as possible

she notices with a concerning level of non-concern

Paul Matthews is gone, boy. And if I catch you using a dead man’s name again, well.

- its about the ✨forced disconnect✨

It stares at him, and for a moment he sees the young man that Benny used to be, silently pleading for the agent to tell him he'll be okay.

"In my defence, that was the Colonel's idea.” The man raises his hands in surrender. “I wanted to call you Lauren. I was outvoted.”

- i will take literally any chance to make a 4th wall joke and that is a threat

“I’ll see what can be done,” he assures it, knowing full well that nothing will be.

- xander doesnt flat out abuse emma in the way mcnamara and shaffer do but hes still cruel in subtler ways

“No chance of being hurt?”

Xander nods. “No chance of you being hurt.”

- ✨foreshadowing ✨

If only he was free, free to just get up and go find Blue and tell her - actually tell her, out loud, with words - that she’s going to be okay. If only he could say that and have it be the truth.

She holds onto that piano. Right now, as she kneels crying into the tabletop, it's all she has.

- ‘sir thats my emotional support near-complete stranger’

smoke and feathers

Irony can be a cruel, twisted bitch.

- probably the best opener ive written

There’s a sort of pathetic irony in the fact that she slipped on a stone while wading across a shallow stream and broke her neck.

The stars move across the sky, and she still doesn’t know why.

- sounds poetic and all while also being a fuck you to the chorn twist because i hate it

It seems like every time she looks away the moon goes from waxing to waning and back again, time marching onwards in one unending night, swallowing one unending forest.

Even with her limited view of the person’s face, Zazzalil can see the softness in their expression. She’s hit with a pang of longing for Jemilla.

They share those tender looks that make Zazzalil long for home.

The kind of silence only shared between people who can appreciate the simplicity of each other’s presence

aaand thats pretty much all of em. i know when you said ‘some’ you probably meant less than this but i will give a consice answer to a question when pigs fly. i was going to do the double e au too but its past 1 am now and im going to bed. thanks for this ask because whether intentionally or not you just made me read 48,860 words of fic and thats a damn good distraction when things are getting a bit shitty :)

#igtlt fic #wildfire fic #teachers pet fic #sf fic

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sierratheory · 5 years

Text

“Like i don't trust sierra bc of the time she came into Luke's life...” that entire ask but vice-versa too!!! people have said sierra dated dylan from flor and now her old roommate karsen too? as with luke, where was her time being single and figuring herself out before jumping into a new relationship? the twitter likes reminded me of how luke & sierra only see “jealousy” and “misogyny” as a h8ters only reason, which isn’t true 😔

Part 2 It's like they're still letting the other person know they're wrong but the difference is that it doesn't hit them. Why does it cause an overly emotional response and a giant need to prove they are wrong? it's a truth the person has been avoiding/ignoring. Luke or any person don't see the truth, they really don't even though deep down they know it is true (this is why emotional abuse is so dangerous and the victim "can't just leave")

Part 3 and that's why getting defensive and simply defending yourself are two different things. I'd like to point what that anon said about Luke's likes missing the point of what was said and this anon called him a 'dumb asshole' (lol) because he's missing the point. Well he may not realise it but he's missing the point "on purpose" his brain is making him miss the point in order to keep the fantasy that the points that were made aren't factual and are actually offensive (sexism)

Part 4 I swear I could write a book explaining every little behaviour he's adopting but what I really want to point out is that I understand everyone's frustration and regardless of what he's going through, Luke should be held responsible for his actions but we can and should emphasize because he's not fine. I'm saying this because he is following a very worrying pattern and even though Arzaylea was a much worse person than Sierra is,

Part 5, Luke is currently in a worse situation MENTALLY and I know this may cause some confusion and I can explain with more details why I'm saying this but it doesn't necessarily have to do with Sierra. I'm not saying she's not toxic. I do believe she's toxic but she's not nearly as toxic as Arzaylea. The difference is the timing. If Luke had dated Sierra first and Arzaylea later things would be much much worse.

Part 6 Luke was in a very vulnerable place, he was really hurt and he got a taste of what a mentally stable, caring, loving partner is like in Sierra. And I'm not saying these are traits that Sierra has or not. But when you get out of a toxic relationship, when you're at your worst a little love, or sense of love can feel like the best thing in a world. Basically it's an "issue" with the rewarding system in your brain. Very typical in people who go through this kind of situations

Part 7 that's why it is recommended to see a therapist or stay away from relationship because this rewarding system can fix itself and go back to normal or you might need some help. It all depends on how you deal with the situation. Some people get over traumatic experiences quickly and some need time and help. Anyway to keep it simple and short: Luke knew for sure (based on my little knowledge and his behaviour) that Arzaylea wasn't good to him but he was in love and he was making excuses to

Part 8 believe she loved him back (maybe she did love him back but had mental issues, drug addiction, I don't know, I can't judge) but he didn't have the time to heal. He's aware of his past relationship being toxic but I don't think he's aware of the effects it had on his mental health. He shows severe signs of being someone who still carries some luggage. Let me explain, I'm sure he's aware of how awful Arzaylea was and that he did him wrong and he deserves better.

Part 9 but for example, if arzaylea told him constantly that he didn't defend her enough, if she guilt trapped him because of it, if she threatened to leave him or blamed him for her mental issues/breakdowns he's most likely still carrying it with him and that's one of the reasons why he's desperately trying to make it right with this one relationship. It's something that's internalised. So yes maybe Sierra doesn't do much wrong compared to Arzaylea and actually maybe Sierra is like

Part 10 'dang I hate this thing someone said' but that's enough for Luke's brain to make a click, bring back the memories, the trauma and go into overdrive. This is an example but can be used to explain why Luke's trying so hard with Sierra compared to Arzaylea. Another thing that makes this relationship "worse" imo is that Luke's perception of reality wasn't accurate when he started his relationship with Sierra because of Arzaylea and now that little bit of love he feels like he receives is

Part 11 just wow and to him it is what real love feels like this is why your sense of personal worth should never depend on somebody else. And now he strongly believe that despite everything that goes wrong in his relationship, that little 1 thing that's going well is more than enough. he's never had that much so his fighting to keep it because it is sad but it's the most loved he's ever felt and he doesn't see why he could deserve more or how it could get better because to him, thats everything

Wheew, this was a trip to put together. You really did write me a book here, anon. But I completely understand what you’re trying to say. I come from a really abusive family, and even now I have issues where I’ll ask my bf if he’s mad at me and he’s like “you didn’t do anything, why would I be mad at you??!” Becuase I’ve been trained to think I’ve done something wrong if someone’s behaviour changes. And while I agree with most everything you said, I don’t think Sierra is unaware of Luke vulnerability due to the Larzaylea fuck show. That being said, I’m not sure if Sierra dated anyone between Alex and Luke. I don’t believe the roommate story, and none of the other mods do either. There’s no evidence behind it. I don’t know who the other guy is so I can’t speak to that. But she did have a lot more time between her and Alex’s breakup and her and Luke’s relationship beginning. Keep in kind she was still touring with Alex after they broke up, and that could have stunted any healing, but I truly can’t say. Time doesn’t always heal everything. And again I can’t speak to that break up, but I think it says a lot that she went on to drag his name during an interview after. As we’ve seen recently with Selena Gomez, she said she always kept quiet about her personal life out of respect. She wouldn’t even air out dirty laundry in her songs, and eventually she decided that her story was worth being told and she didn’t need to stay silent to protect those who hurt her. But she didn’t give an interview painting herself as an angel and throwing exes under the bus. And I think it says a lot that Sierra immediately went to the media, and even since that Alex has stayed mum on the subject.

I agree with the psychological damage points, and that Luke is likely overcompensating, if the relationship is real. Which in all honesty I’m leaning more towards as time goes on, but I’m still convinced even if they do like/love/whatever each other, modest! has some heavy handed access/control over it. And that could be perhaps to avoid a repeat of the Larzaylea mess, maybe they made Sierra sign a NDA, but I digress. Luke may also be convinced that because he didn’t defend Arzaylea, fans thought he didn’t care about her or was a bad boyfriend. It could have very easily been Arzaylea saying “hey you don’t defend me so you don’t love me, or fans see it as you don’t think I’m important enough to defend” etc. I don’t think Sierra is necessarily a bad person, while I’m entirely convinced Arzaylea was a shit-tier human being.

That being said, I do think she’s very aware that she is manipulating Luke, and taking advantage of the psychological damage Arzaylea did. I think that damage also makes him easier to manipulate or control and let me explain why.

TW - ALCOHOLISM, SUICIDE, VERBAL & PHYSICAL ABUSE

My dad was an alcoholic, and he committed suicide when I was very young. Because my mum left him, because he was becoming more abusive. Unfortunately instead of being the wake up call she wanted it to be, he shot himself and left her a note that said “I hope you got what you wanted”. Now, needless to say, this fucked my mum up really bad. She has never recovered. She has thrown all her emotions into a box, she is very clinical and doesn’t let her emotions control her. Which can be good sometimes but she’s very distant and cold. That being said, my mum married my step dad about 6 years after my bio dad passed away. She was not healed, let me tell you. She never sought counselling and is not on any sort of medication. My step dad was like the perfect man, before they got married, he cooked, he cleaned, and he was okay with the fact she had two young kids, one in elementary school and one just starting high school. But after they got married and he had control, oh everything changed. He isolated her from all of her friends and even her family. He was and still is verbally abusive and on occasion he can be physically abusive, but it’s rare. To her and all of his kids, including my sister and I. If he doesn’t get his way he throws a tantrum, calls everyone awful names and says awful things. He needs to control everything. While I love my step dad because he helped raise me, he is a controlling abusive person. And while he has a lot of psychological damage himself I’m not going to get into that, but know that he has a kind heart, and he does love my mother and he would die for her. But when he loses his temper he says horrible things. And he knows about the abuse my mum suffered at the hands of my bio dad, and how she has never healed. My bio dad told my mum she couldn’t cook, and if she ever left him he’d get the kids even though he was a raging alcoholic, couldn’t hold down a job AND she was doing all the child care on top of a full time job. Like she had the daycare ladies prepared to call 911 if we didn’t show up at daycare when she was out of town for work, but I’m off track here. The point I’m trying to get to is my step dad would abuse my mum, and use things my bio dad did or said to her, to hurt her more. An example of this is, if my mum tried to walk away during one of my step dads yelling fits, he would say “yeah, walk away just like you did with [my bio dad’s name]”. Because he knows she blames herself for leaving him, and she thinks his death was her fault. My step dad knows my mum will never leave him, because of what my bio dad did when she left. He could burn their house down around them and she wouldn’t leave.

With that story I would like to say, please don’t judge my mum or either of my dads. You don’t know the whole story and I don’t want to share all of it. I’m using it as an example because I know it well.

The point in trying to make here, is one it’s very VERY common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another. Because abusers can recognize the signs of a victim, and those who were abused, when treated with even a small amount of love, or kindness often see it as a very big deal. They tend to think they are worthless or don’t deserve it, as they’ve been told many times over. Two, believe it or not, being abused before can make people more susceptible to being abused again. This is because of the reasons mentioned above, they think they are worthless, or are wooed by very small acts, or both. And three, that the new partner can and often will use personal things about the abuse they suffered from someone else, to control or hurt their partner more, becuase they know it’s already a deep seated pain. And while I’m not saying Sierra is for sure 100% doing this, it is very easily a possibility and she could be doing some of it without knowing. Just because a year, or 5 or 10 have gone by doesn’t mean the person has healed, and sometimes new partners open old wounds. This has been a whole TEDtalk sorry y’all. Also disclaimer if anyone comes into the ask box saying rude things about my family it will be deleted and you will be blocked.

#red replies #ask #anon #i need you guys to know this took me over an hour to put together and write my reply to

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