#let yourself be percieved so you can let yourself heal a little

[antiphrastic]

I made something important

[himitsu-luna]

Nct 127 - Creature series

File #6 - Jaehyun, the vampire

Genre: angst, supernatural, romance

Warnings: death of characters, mentions of killing methods, mentions of blood, pain, description of vampire bites and perfuration

Pairing: Jaehyun x reader

Featuring: Jeno

Word count: 2.7 k

Nct 127 creature series masterlist

The story

Jaehyun was born in 1797, as a normal human.

At that time, mankind and the vampire breed had a tense relationship. But, very strangely, everything seemed under control

When he was 24, because of a series of unfortunate events, involving conspirations and betrayals, a war broke out between the two races

Jaehyun, as a young soldier and leader of a troop, were sent to the battlefield.

Sad and bitter events happened, and he was turned into a vampire.

Since then, he lives for centuries and centuries, going from place to place, playing hundreds of roles, experiencing hundreds of lives, looking for one thing that keeps him going through his imortal existence

The powers

You either are born as a vampire or you become one.

You only become a vampire if you get bitten by one

However, when you get bitten by a vampire, it doesn't necessarily mean you will become one.

The cruel part of turning into a vampire is that it's not for free. In reality, it's an exchange of a life for another life.

The vampire transformation takes 2 hours to be completed, and it will only fully consolidate if the bitten person drinks a considerably large amount of human or vampire blood before the two hours end. Otherwise, when the time comes to an end, the person dies.

The person or vampire bitten by the incomplete transformed vampire inevitably succumbs.

In other words, the vampire transformation is always tragic, because someone always perishes in the end.

Vampires drink blood to survive, but it doesn't need to be human blood. They can survive with other animal's blood, but human blood is a completely different treat.

Jaehyun has an abnormal strenght, and over developed senses

He has basic telepathic and telekinetic abilities, which gives him great manipulation skills

He has the ability of quickly healing physical wounds

A few things are able to end his life though: fire, drowning, decapitation

– Report: Incident number 1

°°°

[year: 1821]

– "Jaehyun, do you really have to go?", you ask your husband for the 100th time at the doorstep of your house, firmly holding his hands, barely able to see him with your eyes blurred by tears.

– "Y/N, I do. I'm their leader. I need to fight. I need to protect everyone. And most importantly, I need to protect you. Don't worry, my love, I'll be back. I promise..." , Jaehyun responds you with a suplicant tone, his voice sounding deeper than usual, as he tries to hide the shakiness on it.

After a last passionate kiss, a last squeeze of hands, and a last long glance holding the desire of the two of you to freeze time, Jaehyun goes through the door without looking back. He has to admit he is afraid he may not live up to his promise. Vampires are scary beings. Powerful, almost untouchable. It's incredible how humans stand in this war against these creatures so far. Fortunately, some powerful vampires still side mankind, hoping the unlikely coexistence.

Taking a deep breath, Jaehyun jumps into the colourless truck that is going to take him and dozens of other soulless men to the battlefield.

...

[6 months later]

– "CHEERS TO JAEHYUN!!!!!!!"

– "CHEERS!!!!!!!"

– "Guys, guys!! Calm down!!! Hahahaha"

Jaehyun is being carried by dozens of euforic men, acclaimimg their leader for his bravery and determination to get every single one of his mates back to their families. The war is over. The last vampires retreated and, finally, peaceful days can be seen in the horizon. Tears are being shared, parties are being planned, but in the middle of all the deafening happiness, Jaehyun's only desire is to sink into your warm hugs again.

...

Turning around the last corner to reach his home, his heart racing madly, Jaehyun meets your comforting figure, that waited for him every single day at the door since he left, and that now is running to him with arms open. The vision of you completely blinds Jaehyun. He missed you so much. He can't wait to feel you again. But it blinds him so badly that he can't see the bloodthirst creature hidden in a dark alley, ready to jump on him. Still with his eyes glued on you, he watches your smiley face abruptly squirming into pure horror. He was given not even half of a second to process that scene, as he suddenly feels a piercing pain in his jugular, followed by his entire body landing on the ground, then a light breeze brushing his now even paler skin, as the treacherous vampire vanishes from the scene, releasing, with his gutural voice, an almost incomprehensible yet still powerful word: "Revenge".

Jaehyun’s senses are all messed up and his body convulses violently. But even imersed in chaos, his brain tries hard to not lose itself completely, as it percieves you getting closer and closer.

– "DON'T COME!!!" - he desperately yells, in his last effort to maintain his sanity.

But it's too late.

His concious falls apart completely. Everything gets red. Everything is too much, everything is overwhelming. He can clearly hear a rythmic heartbeat, that is not his own, resonating inside of his skull. He can clearly see the tempting purple path under a layer of skin, shining in high saturation in a waving hypnotizing motion. He can clearly feel his teeth landing on a soft surface and sinking deep into it. He can clearly taste the metalic flavor of blood spreading through his tongue. And after all of that, he can clearly smell your floral perfume, he can clearly feel hot heavy tears running down his cheeks, as he realizes what he has done.

Slowly getting his mind back as the sharp fangs retracts to the normal sized canines he is used to, Jaehyun is left in agony, all his face muscles contracted into profound sadness, looking at your fragile figure in his arms.

–"No no no no NOOO!!!! PLEASE NO!! Y/N, TALK TO ME!! Talk to me...please.....", he implores you, swinging his body back and forth, trying to keep you awake.

–"Jae.... It's ok.... It's o..k.... You... Are back... I'm so happy..." - you murmur, lifting your hand to wipe the cheeks of your beloved one.

You know how this works. You know that Jaehyun has become a vampire, and you know he won't die. You know he is safe. With that thought in mind, you smile relieved. You let your eyelids fall along with your hand, and, spending all of your remaining energy, you force your lips to move one last time : – "I love you...".

....

Standing in front of your grave, depositing your favorite flowers on the shining black marble, Jaehyun mentalizes his sorrowfull wishes over and over again, hoping they reach you:

– "I promise, Y/N, I promise you... I'll find you in whenever life you live, I promise I'll go back to you. I promise."

...

[Year: 2021]

–"OmG, I'll be late!! No no noo!!!! Stupid alarm!!" - you yell at the air, tripping on your cozy blankets, from your bed to your way to the ground.

A job like that would never fall on your lap again, for sure. You were a just graduated college student, visibly lost in the adult world, looking for a job so you can survive. You still can't believe that such a big company sent you this unexpected invite, willing to hire you. "I'm not mad, though.", you cheerfully think, while quickly spraying some perfum on the birthmark you have on your neck.

Shoving a piece of dry toast into your mouth while putting on your shoes, you rush to your first day at your new job.

....

You made it in time. Waiting for having a word with your new boss, you briefly look at yourself on the hand mirror you always take with you, fixing your messy hair and straightening your black blazer. Distracted in your own little world, you jump in surprise when an elegant man silently steps in the room, stands by your side without you noticing, and announces, with a resonant voice right into your ear:

– "Boss is ready to see you"

Having a look at the name tag hanging over the man's chest, you thank him:

–"Ohh, thank you.. hmm.. mr. Jeno! And I'm pleased to meet you!"

Jeno gives you a discreet smile, guiding you to a enormous poor iluminated room, in which a gorgeous and imponent figure stands behind an impressive desk. Your pupils take a few seconds to adjust to the weak lighting, but as soon as you exchange stares with that mysterious man, a weird wave of excitement runs throughout your whole body, like your blood is bubbling inside of your veins. You've never felt like this before, and it intensifies when you finally hear a deep, smooth, and weirdly familiar voice coming out of his mouth:

– Report: Incident number two

–"Hello, Y/N. Nice to meet you. You can call me Jaehyun".

–––

It has been five years you're working at Jaehyun's company. And it has been three years you stand beside him not only as his employee, but also as his lover.

Jaehyun is a fascinating man. But there's something very odd about him. You don't know if it's the way he seems to be able to go deep into your mind. If its the way he has the knowledge of an ancient person. If it's the way everything he does feels nostalgic. If it's the way he looks at you and you can see, along with a sincere love, deep sadness and sorrowfullness emanating from his eyes. If it's the way you are sure you knew him already even before your first encounter. If it's the way you feel like you've been waiting for him your whole life. –" Oh well, maybe there's something very odd about me as well." , you think in a dreamy state while watching Jaehyun sleeping peacefully beside you.

...

You are at Jaehyun's house, distractedly walking around and running your fingers through the fancy furniture, waiting for him so you can have the homemade dinner he's been promising you for weeks now. He finally found an empty spot in his busy schedule, and it has been good thirty minutes since Jeno let you know he and your boyfriend were at the supermarket, picking some ingredients. "Jaehyun must be so lost right now", you chuckle to yourself, wondering what weird things he would buy. But with the chuckle, you feel a light discomfort in your chest. You have a weak heart condititon since birth, so you're used to this sensation. "Ahh, not today! Today I have to be 100% good!" , you scold yourself, hoping the annoying feeling ceases soon.

But it's not. The light discomfort turns into a light pain. The light pain turns into a fierce pain. The fierce pain turns into and unbearable pain. Imersed in your suffering, you automatically massage your heart area and sustain your body stood by grabbing the nearest thing you can reach. And, before you lose your senses entirely, you can feel this thing moving, holding you tightly and carefully, and calling your name with that deep voice you loved so much : – " Y/N!!!!!!!!"

....

Staring at your motionless body on his arms, the dejavu Jeahyun is having is breaking him apart. After dozens of peaceful lives with you, he was not expecting losing you like this once more. Gradually and certainly, he is following your heartbeat on its crescent silence. He doesn't want to feel this pain again. If it's selfish, if it's benevolent, it's tricky – and even unfair – to judge the only thought that goes through Jaehyun's mind right now. With a decided and firm tone, he instructs Jeno:

– "Jeno, look after her, please. That's my last order to you."

With an almost imperceptible widening of eyes, seeing how his master determination even made his quivering less severe, Jeno answers him, trying to transmit in his voice the confidence and reliability he knows Jaehyun needs to feel.

– "Yes master, I understand. I will."

This phrase brings a peaceful expression to Jaehyun's face. Focusing completely on you, Jaehyun's fangs sharpen and he plants them into the flesh of your neck. You imediatelly wake up, as a wave of electricity runs through your body and excites every cell of it. You don't know what is happening, everything is so confusing with your blurred red vision. But you know you're thirsty. Your throat feels dry, and it claims something that is not water. You sense someone's body pressing itself on yours and, instinctively, you deep your teeth into the warmness, finding yourself satiating your needs with some unknown viscous liquid.

And a movie starts to play before your eyes. A movie staring you and Jaehyun. A movie showing all of your lives together. A wedding at a beach you've never been before. Jaehyun holding an unfamiliar happy dog you didn't know you missed so badly. You and him wearing antique clothes you've never owned, discussing about what to cook for dinner while watching the sunset. His crying face painted with red blots, his body swinging back and forth holding you in his arms, trying to keep you awake.

Drowning in an ocean of memories, you frantically attempt to resurface back to your present reality. Slowly pulling your teeth out of Jaehyun's neck, you gently wrap your arms around his cold body and sink your forehead onto his shoulders.

– "Jae... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...."

– "It's.... ok, Y/N, it's ok.... I'm the one who is sorry"

– "No! It must have been so difficult for you... All these years, all this waiting... I'm so sorry... And... thank you so much."

– "I know... You... Would do the same... For me."

At this point, you are not trying to hold your tears anymore. At this point, Jaehyun's life is already hanging by a thin thread. Showing his dimples to you, his last words come faint, but still carry heavily the pure meaning of them:

– "I love you."

[Year: 2058]

– "Master, the apartment was rented successfully.", the serious and steady man says coming out of nowhere, getting by surprise your anxious and wondering mind.

– "OMG, Jeno! Are you a vampire or a ghost, please!! But ok, thank you a lot. Let's prepare everything then." , you respond, barely hiding your excitement.

Packing your things in an untidy chaotic way, you suddenly stop your actions. Hesitantly and avoiding eye contact, you ask Jeno something that has been bothering you for years now:

–" ....Hmm...Jeno.... Do you.... Do you think he will still like me?"

Even though he was caught off guard by your question, Jeno promptly replies:

– "I have no doubt about it, master. Thousand of years could pass, his love for you would remain the very same. I've witnessed it, trust me."

You bite your bottom lip, trying to conceal the wide smile forming on your red crying face.

....

*Knock Knock*

Lying on the couch of his living room, Jaehyun lazily raises only his head, wondering who could be knocking on his door. He definetely is not willing to stop watching his drama to answer the unknown visitor.

*Knock knock*

Finally accepting that staring at the door would not make something magically happen, he decides to get up and open it. However, he was not expecting that such a trivial thing would be so life changing.

– " Hi, I'm your new neighbor! My name is Y/N, nice to meet you!", you nervously say, extending your already sweat hand to the admired boy in front of you.

Jaehyun is astonished. He thought he had his whole life figured out. But, all of sudden, only now he can say that everything makes sense, that everything is where they should be. Only now he truly feels alive. Like a breath of fresh air, like he is living in a completely new world, he grabs your hand firmly, afraid you could vanish, and asks you in disbelief:

–" Do I know you from somewhere?"

–" Maybe...", you answer, with a mischievous yet tender expression painted on your face.

Jaehyun smiles at you softly, feeling the comfort and the sense of familiarity that only centuries of linked lives could bring him.

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...

[justasimplesinner]

Can I please request, how would Waylon react to an metahuman s/o who does cage fighting to get by/ as a healthy way to use their abilities? You pick the ability! 😁

Waylon with a metahuman s/o hcs:

it came as a big surprise to him when you revealed this to him - both your abilities and the cage fighting. because... you never had any bruises. you were always all fine and dandy, and on top of that, you were so kind to him, so helpful to others. he never expected that

he was afraid someone was threatening you into cage fighting and really wanted to help you. he knows how it is to be percieved as a freak and used as a weapon/entertainment. it does take some weight off of his shoulder knowing you do this voluntarily but he still asks... why? cage fighting is one of the most violent, and brutal underground entertainments for sick sadists/masochists that like to see people being drained from their blood. it's not good for you, it's not healthy and you can make a lot of enemies that way

he doesn't try to take away your freedom, though - if you feel this, if you love what you do, he will never stop you. he'll support you and let you do whatever you want, because he understands you feel a sense of belonging to the cage. he understands that you're the top dog there and you like that life. but don't expect him to come and watch you fight for money

he inquires a lot as to how he's never seen a single scratch on you despite your violent escapades, so you'll have to sit him down and carefully explain the cellular replication and rapid regenration to him. it was a deadly combination - being able to replicate cells at a superhuman speed, creating clones or even giving yourself an extra limb and having a fast-healing metabolism at the same time. you could do anything with your body. you could manipulate it to your will and heal broken bones in a matter of minutes or even seconds if you focused

it still hurt, of course. you weren't immune to pain. it hurt and that's why you liked it - because it made you feel. for the longest of times, you were alienated from society, just like Waylon, and you found your home in the cage. you found something you're good at. you found a place you belonged to. you found people that were just dying to see your abilities or talking to you. surprisingly, you met some of the most loyal people out there and you could create your own family. and despite the fact that he didn't take part in the fighting, Waylon was a part of it. you two finally had people that accepted you as you were and despite hating the knowledge that you were out there, getting hurt for money, Waylon was glad for that weird little family. he was glad for being able to relate and to belong, knowing that there were people looking out for him, for you and for each other

[dustyard]

Heya, apologies if u don’t want anymore asks, just curious about something. So I’m not 100% on what my daemon would be at all, some have said hedgehog others a fox(would love that but a bit cool for me I think), but do u think that different cultures perspective of an animal changes the meaning behind a daemon?? Or is it universal???

No worries, the ask box is there for a reason!

So this is a very interesting question, because you're asking about symbolic form-finding, which is a little more complex and moldable than analytic form-finding. Symbolic form-finding can absolutely be changed by varying cultural meanings; European folklore, for example, being largely influenced by Christianity, tends to view snakes as evil, whereas many native American tribes considered them to be symbols of healing and medicine (this is a big generalization, by the way, many tribes had different interpretations of them). This is a pretty big difference, and I think helps account for why some people can have the same dæmon but for different reasons. Neither of these interpretations is incorrect, because they're taken from people's experiences and associations, so in my opinion no significant symbolism should be ignored.

Generally, I view the difference between symbolic and analytic form-finding as symbomic being the way you're percieved, while analytic reflects the way you act. This is by no means a universal interpretation, by the way, but it is the one I use, just so you understand my perspective. Due to this, I typically look at symbolic form-finding through the lens of thinking about what traits and historical differences cause the distinct difference in cultural opinion? As I mentioned above in the snake example, a big part of this difference is based on religious iconography and mythology. The Bible describes Lucifer as a "serpent", crawling around on his belly, and thus followers of Christianity often associated snakes with the devil, the first sin, evil, etc. Indigenous people obviously didn't come into contact with Christianity and its subsequent mythology until colonization, which started around the 1500s.

Let's look at foxes, which you mentioned being a form you've considered, are pretty world-renowned tricksters; this interpretation crosses many cultures. They are generally viewed as clever, sometimes arrogant, but are generally neutral beings who aren't strictly good or evil. Japan and India feature them in more spiritual roles, Europeans generally don't. They are, however, very prominent in pretty much every culture they're geographically connected to, which tells you that these intelligent, curious animals draw attention from the people around them. They're intelligent; some people view that as wisdom, some see it as more dangerous because it makes them crafty and capable of taking advantage of you.

Basically, my advice is to consider the motivating traits behind different cultural interpretations to see how they connect and whether you feel like they're accurate. But I would consider all the different versions of cultural symbolism to be relevant, and you don't have to follow my personal method of interpretation if you feel it doesn't work for you. If you decide that one symbolic interpretation fits you perfectly and you want to label that your settled form, that's completely fine. If you find yourself interested, you may find more consistency in analytic form-finding. Otherwise, I hope this answered your question!

[scavengerbird]

TJ & the Angel

The angel’s got a thousand eyes and they’re all looking at TJ.

He guesses it’s an angel. That’s what it said it was. Or that’s what it told him it was. It didn’t really say, TJ guesses, ‘cuz it didn’t make any sound. There were just words in his head, all a sudden, without any kinda sound or sight or shape except an understanding of their meaning. It sorta burned, but not in a bad way.

He figures it can’t really speak with sound ‘cuz it hasn’t got a mouth as far as he can tell, just all those wide brown eyes, movin’ and spinnin’ round each other and never blinkin’. It’s like a Ferris wheel got tangled up with a couple other Ferris wheels but the cars are eyes and the whole things on fire. Kinda.

TJ’s all soaked through and shivering still, ‘cuz apparently the angel can pull his body outta the river and pull the riverwater outta his lungs, but it can’t dry his clothes off. Or maybe it could, if he asks, but he can’t figure out if that would be rude or not.

He wants to get home before Dad, so he can sit by the radiator and have a cigarette in the house and not have to explain why he’s got half the water from the Missouri with him. But it’s bad manners to leave when someone’s in the middle of talkin’ to you, and he figures it’s probably double bad if that someone just saved your life, and triple bad if that someone is an angel of the Lord. He can’t even imagine what Ma would say, if he just up and walked off right now.

So he tries to pay attention.

Hearing the angel is hard, but in a way that feels good. Like the burn in his legs when he runs, except instead of just his legs, it’s his whole body, or, more than that even, his whole self. The angel’s sayin’ lots of grand sounding things, about destiny and purpose, a higher calling and his own free choice, watching over him and waiting for the right time and love and repeating history and hope.  

TJ’s brain is starting to go a little fuzzy trying to hold it all in. It’s like being drunk, on the good whiskey Cecily lifted from her grandad’s cabinet that one time, not the cheap shit beer they usually get Armani’s older brother to buy them. Everything feels far away and a little funny. An angel pulled him from a river. He was dying and then he wasn’t. The angel wants something from him. He wants to laugh, but he doesn’t have to think about if that’s rude or not, he knows it is.

Something warm is dripping from his nose, and he thinks it must be runny from the cold, except when he wipes at it with the back of his hand what comes away is red.

*

TJ wakes up in his own bed and tries to pretend to himself the angel and the river and the blood was a dream. He lies there for a moment, tellin’ that to himself over and over, but he’s never been much good at lying. Always gets caught, even by himself.

           When he finally gives in and opens his eyes, he just about shits himself. There’s a boy’s face hovering over his own, just a few inches away. The eyes are wide and brown and very familiar, but that doesn’t stop TJ from startling so bad he rolls back and off the side of his bed, knocking his head on the hardwood.

           “Jesus,” he mutters, once he’s got his breath back. The angel tilts its head at him. It looks like a boy now, instead of a burning storm cloud raining eyes. A boy about his age, scrawny and brown-skinned and with those same eyes, just set still in a face under thick eyebrows and a few pimples. It’s followed him, crawling onto his bed to keep peering at him by leaning over the side.

           “NO,” it says, “NOT QUITE. NOT EVEN CLOSE, REALLY.” TJ can’t tell if it’s serious or if that’s supposed to be a joke. He doesn’t know if angels make jokes, doesn’t know if they can. He wonders if it’ll smite him, for taking the lord’s name in vain. Ma’d say it’d serve him right.

It’s making actual sound now, but there’s still something about its voice that burns on the way down, makes him feel warm all over. “ARE YOU OKAY?” it asks, forehead wrinkling in concern.

“Yeah,” TJ sighs, “I’m alright. Just hit my head.” He tries to sit up, but the world spins a little and he has to catch himself on the bedframe to keep from flopping right back down.

“HERE,” the angel says. And then it reaches out to cup the goose egg growing on the back of his head, and before he can even finish wincing from being touched there a white-hot flash sears through his skull, and he gasps and his whole body jerks and he sorta notices that the angel has to reach out and grab his arm with its other hand to keep him mostly upright. And then the heat is gone. So is the dizziness, and the pain, and the goose egg.

TJ gently touches the back of his own head, where it felt like he got stabbed and then felt like nothing had happened at all. His fingers brush against the angel’s and he pulls back.

“What was that?” he asks, voice ragged.

“I HEALED YOU,” the angel says simply.

“Then why did it hurt?” TJ asks, trying to swallow something down, but his throat is dry.

The angel shrugs, looks sad for just a second, and says, “HEALING USUALLY DOES.”

           TJ hasn’t really got anything to say to that, so he just shrugs outta the angel’s arms and heaves himself to his feet.

           TJ’s starvin’, so he makes the angel follow him down to the kitchen. He musta slept for hours, ‘cuz it’s dark outside the window. He pokes his head outta his room real quick to make sure the coast is clear. The door to Dad’s room is firmly shut, and the house is quiet, so TJ gives the angel a thumbs up and waves it out after him.

           Downstairs, TJ doesn’t bother with the kitchen light switch. He likes the nighttime too much, feels safer in the dark. The soft yellow slice of light that comes out the fridge when he opens it is good enough. The angel wanders over to stare out the window above the kitchen sink while TJ digs out grape jelly and bread and peanut butter. He can tell it’s gettin’ antsy, that its just waitin’ to give him the speech it started at the edge of the river. He’s not sure what it’s waitin’ for. Maybe it feels bad about him passin’ out and thinks he’ll have a better chance with something in his stomach. Maybe its waitin’ for him to ask.

           He asks it, “Do you want one?”

           The angel turns to look at him and the sandwich he’s holdin’ out. Then it just keeps lookin’, so he repeats himself, and then he starts to feel like maybe he’s askin’ a dumb question, so he starts rambling. “I mean, uh, I guess I don’t know if you eat, really. But I thought’cha did, or, I mean, thought angels did, you know? In the bible. The Old Testament part. At Sodom, I think? Or Gomorrah. One of ‘em. Or maybe that was God. Or maybe I’m just remembrin’ the whole thing wrong,” he mutters, huffing a quiet laugh that he hopes doesn’t sound too nervous.

           The angel blinks, finally, real slow, and then holds it’s hand out. TJ puts the sandwich in it, relieved, then turns back ‘round to make one for himself. “YOU ARE NOT REMEMBERING WRONG,” the angel says, slow and quiet, the way you talk when you’re bein’ gentle. “IT HAS BEEN MANY CENTURIES SINCE A HUMAN LAST OFFERED ME FOOD.”

           “Oh,” TJ says, turnin’ back to the angel as he finishes spreading jelly and slaps his two pieces of bread together. The angel’s still holdin’ its sandwich, just starin’ at it like it’s made of gold or some other precious thing. TJ feels like maybe he did something wrong, except he’s pretty sure the opposite’s true, and he doesn’t know why anyone would look at PB&J he made on wonder bread the way the angel’s lookin’ at it. He kinda can’t stand it, so he shoves his own sandwich in his mouth so he’s talkin’ with his mouth full when he says, “Ya gotta bite it, ya know.”

           The angel laughs, just a small laugh, but TJ didn’t know angels could laugh at all. The sound makes his bones feel ‘bout as sturdy as the jelly in his sandwich. He leans against the counter. The angel finally takes a bite, and it closes its eyes again, the way you do when you’re eatin’ somethin’ real good and all you wanna focus on is tastin’ it. It’s ridiculous. It chews real slow, swallows, and says “THANK YOU” in that same quiet voice.

           “Don’t mention it, uh-” TJ says, and then realizes suddenly he doesn’t even know what to call it. Ma really would cuff his ear if she could see how bad his manners have slipped. He pushes that thought away.

           “You got a name?” he asks the angel. It sorta smirks at him, and he doesn’t get why ‘till the angel opens its mouth and makes a sound it shouldn’t be able to make with a human’s mouth, one that sounds the way honey tastes. “Right,” TJ says, noddin’. Angel will have to do.

           He watches the angel eat the rest of its sandwich in those same slow, savorin’ bites. Makes himself another and wolfs it down before the angel’s half done and hopes that’s not rude of him, but he really is hungry. It looks so happy eating that he makes himself wait ‘till its finished the whole thing and licked the stray smears of jelly off its fingers before he lets himself say, “I didn’t know you could do that, ya know, make yourself look different,” with a wave at its body.

           The angel looks down at itself. “YES,” it explains, “I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE I APPEARED TO YOU. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULD NOT YET BE READY TO BEAR WITNESS TO A TRUE ANGELIC FORM. MY APOLOGIES.”

           TJ sniffs, remembers the copper tang of blood in his nose, says, “No harm done.” Then he thinks for a minute about the parts of what the angel just said that weren’t an apology and says, “Wait, what do you mean I’m not ready yet?”

           The angel snaps its head up and TJ’s heart sinks. This is the question the angel’s been waitin’ for him to ask. He’s not real sure he wants the answer.

           “AS YOU GROW INTO YOUR ROLE AS PROPHET,” it answers, “YOUR MIND WILL EXPAND. YOU WILL BECOME CAPABLE OF PERCIEVING MUCH MORE OF THE TRUE NATURE OF THINGS. AREADY YOU CAN SEE MORE THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN. ONE LOOK AT MY ANGELIC FORM WOULD HAVE KILLED MOST OF THEM.”

           “Oh,” TJ says, ‘cuz he’s not real sure what else to say. And then, “Sorry, uh, my role as – did you say prophet?”

           “YES. CONGRATULATIONS.”

           TJ lets himself slide slowly down the kitchen cabinets behind him, sinkin’ to the floor. He puts his head between his knees and breathes. Tries his best to count sevens while he does.

           He feels the angel’s hand light on his back, its fingertips ghostin’ over him through his t-shirt. “ARE YOU HURT?” it asks, and all TJ can do is shake his head.

*

TJ doesn’t know how to turn down bein’ a prophet. He’s pretty sure he remembers at least one of ‘em tryin’, in the bible, but it didn’t do ‘em much good, in the end.

He thinks he mighta freaked Angel out, just a bit, ‘cuz it didn’t really say much else about the whole prophet thing, just kept a hand on his back ‘till he got his panicked breaths evened back out to a normal rhythm, then took his hand and guided him back upstairs to his room. It tucked him into bed like a kid, but he didn’t really mind. It was kinda nice, feelin’ like somebody was lookin’ after him again.

It’s less nice now, with the angel just hoverin’ over him while he’s tryin’ to fall asleep. He’s got as many questions for it as it has eyes in it’s true form. He thought it might have somethin’ better to do than watch him sleep, but it seems content to just stand next to his bed and keep those brown eyes fixed on him.

He sighs and cracks one of his own eyes open to look at it. It shoots him a small smile. He gives in. “Do you sleep?”

The angel looks surprised. “I DO NOT THINK SO. I HAVE NEVER TRIED.”

“Try now,” TJ suggests, scootin’ over to one edge of the bed. “It’s too weird, tryin’ to sleep with you standin’ there and starin’.”

“OH,” the angel says, and starts to reach for the bed before it hesitates, like it’s not sure TJ really meant what he said. He sighs and pulls the covers back, pats the mattress.

The angel gets into bed slowly and settles on its back, eyes still wide open, limbs stiff at its side. It’s kinda unsettlin’, like that. Looks like a corpse. TJ pokes it in the arm.

Touching its bare skin gives him a little static shock, but in a nice way. It turns its head to look at him, and TJ realizes that it’s very close to him again. He swallows. “C’mon then,” he says, “Get comfortable.”

The angel’s brow furrows as it studies him, like it’s not really sure what he means, and TJ feels kinda sad for it. Finally, it nods and rolls over so it’s lyin’ on its stomach, turnin’ its head again so it keeps lookin’ at TJ. And then it reaches out the arm closest to him and takes one of TJ’s hands in its own. His breath stutters.

“I FEEL COMFORTABLE KNOWING YOU ARE SAFE,” the angel says, and then it closes its eyes. TJ really thought he was gonna have to tell it to do that part, what with all the unbroken eye contact and refusing to blink. He gently rubs the back of the angel’s hand with his thumb and it does something he wants to call purring, even though it’s not a cat. TJ nestles down in his blankets and falls into an easier sleep than he’s had in months..

*

Dad’s already gone when he wakes up, and the angel’s still there, layin’ right where he left it like it hasn’t so much as twitched all night. TJ swears when he gets a look at his clock, manages to catch himself in time to switch from “Goddamnit” to “shit,” though. Then he hauls his ass outta bed and digs around his dresser for a t-shirt without anything too stupid written on it.

“I gotta go to work,” he tells the angel, as it watches him get dressed. He thinks about tellin’ it to turn around, but he’s pretty sure that just ‘cuz he can’t see any eyes in the back of its head don’t mean they’re not there, and he hasn’t got anything it hasn’t already seen a billion times before, if it’s been watching over humanity since the beginning of creation or whatever.

           “OK,” is all the angel says.

           TJ glances up at it as he ties his shoe. “So, are you just gonna hang out in my bedroom all day or…?”

The angel does another one of its quiet laughs and then says, “NO. I WILL GO WHERE YOU GO.”

*

Grover gives the angel a funny look when it shows up with TJ, but he doesn’t say anything. Grover’s never cared too much what TJ does while he minds the roadside stand the old man sells his vegetables out of, as long as he’s polite to everybody who comes by. He’s pretty sure Grover doesn’t even make a profit with the thing, or need to, just has it ‘cuz he doesn’t know what else to do with all the tomatoes and squash he grows. He’s also pretty sure Grover only offered to give him a few bucks an hour to keep an eye on it so he could keep an eye on TJ, at least a little bit. He always liked Ma a lot, definitely enough to try watchin’ out for her son after she couldn’t anymore, but TJ tries not to let himself think about that too much.

The angel wanders around for a while, pickin’ up all the tomatoes that have gone just past the right side of ripe, and when it sets them back down they look perfect again, so TJ doesn’t have to go around chuckin’ any of ‘em over the fence. Since he didn’t have time for breakfast, TJ picks out a watermelon and busts it open on the corner of one of the wooden tables.

“C’mere,” he calls to the angel, and it does, quick and curious. TJ scoops the heart outta the melon and offers it. “Try this.”

The angel does, and its eyes go even wider than they already are and it sucks the juice off its own fingers. It plops down in the dirt with him and they scoop the rest of the melon outta the rind with their hands.

TJ thinks he should feel weirder about watchin’ an angel dribble watermelon juice down its chin and onto its shirt, but he doesn’t. It just feels nice, to sit here with someone. Everyone looks at him different, since Ma, it’s like they can’t really see him, behind this big-awful thing that happened to him. He can’t say he doesn’t feel seen by the angel.

But he knows it can’t last. Grover’s out in the fields, ridin’ around on his tractor, and no one ever comes by this early, so TJ feels safe enough to pull out a cigarette and take a few drags, get himself steadied. He offers it to the angel, half ‘cuz not sharin’ feels rude and half just to see what it’ll say.

It just shakes its head, but TJ raises an eyebrow and says, “What, you gonna tell me angels can get cancer?”

The angel glares at him, but there’s no heat in it. “I DO NOT WANT TO SET A BAD EXAMPLE.”

TJ snorts. “A bad example for who? Me? Don’t’cha think it’s kinda late for that? I’m already smokin’ ‘em.” The angel still hesitates, but TJ can see the curiosity on its face. He grins, “I know you’re wonderin’ what they’re like.”

The angel shakes its head even as it’s reachin’ out to take the smoke from TJ’s hand. “WONDER CAN BE A DANGEROUS THING.”

TJ laughs. The angel puts the cigarette up to its mouth and breathes in. It hasn’t really got the hang of it, keeps its mouth too open, but it coughs anyway, and TJ laughs again and claps it on the back.

“I PREFER THE WATERMELON,” the angel says as it hands his cigarette back, so TJ reaches up and swipes a peach off the table they’re leanin’ against.

“Here,” he says. “You’ll like this better. ‘S lot closer to the watermelon. Promise.”

The angel takes the peach and TJ lets himself watch it enjoy the first few bites before he takes a deep breath and makes himself say “So, about this whole prophet thing.”

He can’t look at the angel straight on while he’s sayin’ it, ‘cuz he’s a coward, but he still sees it straighten up in the corner of his eye. Sittin’ at attention. Didn’t it say somethin’ yesterday, about bein’ a soldier of heaven?

He keeps his eyes fixed on the orange tip of his cigarette as he talks. “Thing is, my Ma made sure I knew my way ‘round a bible before she…” he swallows, gives his cigarette a bitter smile before he keeps talking. “Well, I’m sure you know, you said you been watchin’. ‘S what you do, right? Hang around prophets before they become prophets.”

The angel nods in his periphery. He wants to ask it how long it’s been watching him, how many others came before him, if it likes what it does, if it even has a choice in somethin’ like that. Instead he shakes his head, makes himself focus.

“Point is,” he forges on “I read ‘bout the prophets. And bein’ one? Well, it kinda sounds like a shit gig.”

The angel doesn’t say anything, so TJ keeps talking. “I mean, I can’t remember anythin’ good ever happenin’ to any of ‘em. They’re always watchin’ their city get burned down, and everybody they know get tortured, and gettin’ treated like a loon ‘cuz the Lord’s got ‘em runnin’ ‘rond lightin’ their own hair on fire and shit.”

His voice is shaking now, in fear or anger or both, and the angel still doesn’t seem like it’s got anything to say. He turns on it.

“And here’s the thing about all that. I don’t got a city for y’all to burn, and I already watched the person I loved best die, slow and awful with her lungs full o’ tar, so nobody here would be surprised if I went loony. Sometimes I think they’re all just waitin’ ‘round for it to happen, so none of ‘em would listen to single goddamned word I had to say, even if it was prophecy from on high.”

His face is warm and wet. He wonders if he’s bleedin’ again, but when the angel reaches out and brushes his cheek there’s no red on its fingers. It’s just tears. He flinches back from it. And it looks sad.

“What?” he asks it. “Aren’t’cha s’possed to be down here convincin’ me or somethin’? Where’s that grand speech o’ yours? You ain’t got anythin’ else to say to me ‘bout destiny and plans o’ higher powers and shit that’s more important than lil ol’ me?”

“YOU ARE IMPORTANT, TJ.”

He laughs, and it comes out wet-sounding. “Yeah? Well maybe I don’t wanna be. Why’re you here now? Why not six months ago? You could’a saved her. Don’t tell me you couldn’t’ve. Why wasn’t she important enough to save? She prayed for it. Hell, I prayed for it. Every night. And nobody answered. She fought right up ‘til the very end. ‘Til your stupid god let her die. Took her.”

His whole body’s shaking now and he has to stop talkin’ ‘cuz he’s chokin’ on sobs. The angel’s looking at him with those big eyes, sad and somethin’ else too. It’s not pity. He almost thinks it’s understanding.

“WHY DID YOU STOP SWIMMING, TJ?” it asks. And that brings him up short.

“What?” he manages through his tears.

“YOU FELL INTO THE RIVER YESTERDAY. YOU DID NOT JUMP. BUT UNDER THE WATER, YOU STOPPED SWIMMING AND LET THE CURRENT TAKE YOU. YOU STOPPED FIGHTING.”

TJ stares at it. He remembers the cold rush of the water all around him. The way his clothes pulled him down, like all the metaphorical weight around his neck suddenly made physical. He remembers the moment he wondered what would happen if he just gave up, let himself be too tired to keep trying to push his head above the surface. When he let go.

The angel’s the one who looks away for once, like whatever’s on his face is too much for even it. It turns its half-eaten peach over in its hands.

“IT IS IN THE MOMENT WHEN YOU STUMBLE, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER WALK, WHEN YOU LAY DOWN READY TO DIE, THAT THE LORD OFFERS TO CARRY YOU.”

TJ doesn’t even think he feels angry anymore. Just hollow, and tired, and bitter, and oh, he guesses, actually still a little bit angry. He spits in the dirt.

“Well, what happens if I decide I can walk just fine after all? You gonna toss me back in the river where you found me?”

“I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.”

“What happens if I say no? ‘Cuz I’m sayin’ no. D’you just fuck off back to heaven now?”

The angel frowns at him. “YOU WILL NOT SAY NO.”

TJ stiffens. “I know you said somethin’ yesterday about this bein’ a choice so-”

“IT IS A CHOICE,” the angel interrupts, “I WILL STAY ON EARTH WITH YOU AND WAIT UNTIL YOU CHOOSE TO ANSWER YOUR CALLING, BUT YOU WILL CHOOSE TO ANSWER IT.” It sounds almost sad, when it says, “THEY ALWAYS DO.”

TJ doesn’t have anythin’ to say to that, just spits in the dirt again.

*

TJ hates the idea of thinkin’ anything good coulda come outta what happened to Ma, but he has noticed that most o’ the kids who used to pick on him at school have slacked off. Nobody’s heartless enough to shove around the kid whose mom got lung cancer, even if he is queer and bad at pretending not to be. Well, almost nobody.

TJ lets himself swear good and hard when he sees David comin’ up the dirt road towards ‘em. It’s dusk and they’re halfway home, him and the angel, and he knows he’s faster than David, could probably go across the field and up Ms. Feldman’s fence and loop around the back way and make it, but he doesn’t know if the angel’s gonna slow him down. Its human body isn’t what he’d call athletic-lookin’.

David smiles at him, big and wide and mean, and TJ decides they’re just gonna have to take their chances runnin’, grabs the angel’s hand and starts to pull it outta the road, but it doesn’t budge. TJ looks back at it.

It’s standin’ there starin’ David down. “YOU FEAR THIS BOY,” the angel says.

It’s not a question but TJ answers anyway. “Well, yeah, he’ll do his best to beat the shit outta us if he catches us. So let’s not get caught.” He tugs on the angel’s hand again. “C’mon.”

The angel looks at him and then it lifts its free hand up to his face, brushes its fingertips gently along his cheek. He holds his breath.

“BE NOT AFRAID,” it tells him. Then it lets go and steps forward, towards David.

And then it explodes.

Maybe bursts is a better word. It comes outta its human skin in flash of heat and light. It’s a pillar of fire and TJ can taste ash. Its thousand eyes are back and each one is a million swirling shades of brown, like churning earth, and looking into them feels like falling. The air around the angel is electric and there’s lightning dancing over TJ’s skin. TJ thinks this is not just an angel, this is an avenging angel. And this is the most terrible thing I have ever seen. And also the most beautiful.

And then it’s over. Just as sudden as it expanded, the angel shrinks back into a boy’s shape at TJ’s side.

TJ’s brain doesn’t feel quite so liquefied this time. More like it’s turned the consistency of silly putty and its bein’ stretched out. It doesn’t hurt, though. And TJ realizes he could keep lookin’ at the angel. That his brain, or maybe its his soul, could keep stretchin’ to make this glimpse of the infinite fit. That this is what’s bein’ offered to him. That if he stops fightin’ it, stops tryin’ to live his life his own way, gives in to this calling, he gets to see this. He gets to see more. Not just a split second’s glimpse of one angel, but whole visions of Truths. Revelations. He can taste them on his tongue and his mouth is watering.

The angel’s lookin’ at him, it’s eyes just the one shade of brown again, and it looks sorta resigned, like it knows what hit’s comin’ and it’s just waitin’ for the blow to land.

TJ touches his own face, under his nose, checks for blood. There isn’t any.

“He still alive?” TJ asks, jerking his chin at David where he’s lying in the road, curled on his side like a baby in a womb.

The angel looks surprised. TJ knows this isn’t what it expected him to say.

“YES.”

“He gonna be okay?”

“THAT DEPENDS ON THE DEFINITION OF ‘OKAY.’”

TJ rolls his eyes. “Are you even allowed to do stuff like that?”

“NOT EXACTLY.”

TJ frowns. “Are you gonna get in trouble?”

“NOT RIGHT NOW.”

“Right. I guess we should drag him outta the road, at least.” He starts toward David, but the angel flaps its hand abruptly, and David vanishes. TJ makes a stuttering noise.

“I SENT HIM TO HIS HOME,” the angel explains.

TJ huffs. “Well, if you can teleport people then why the hell are we walkin’ home?”

The angel makes a noise somewhere between distress and desperation. It’s starin’ at TJ with its big eyes full of confusion and disbelief and maybe hope. He’s gone off script.

TJ understands now, why the angel was so certain he’d say yes to bein’ a prophet. He can feel a pull in the back of his brain, the tips of his fingers, the soles of his feet. He can feel how easy it would be. How enlightening. He could stop worryin’ ‘bout how late Dad gets home every night and how even though he doesn’t get pushed around much anymore he’s still only got the two friends and Armani can’t even look at him without pity on her face anymore and how he’s gonna get lung cancer and go in an awful way just like Ma but he can’t quit smokin’ ‘cuz the smell reminds him of her. He could stop missing her. He could let himself be emptied of all that, become a vessel for knowledge of things so bright they burn. Fulfilled. And it would be so easy. So much easier than living his own life.

TJ knows all that, and he also knows Ma never backed down from a challenge. Knows she said the right thing to do is almost always the harder thing to do.

He knows the angel said it could stick around ‘til he caves.

TJ smiles at the angel. It’s a tired smile, but it’s real.

The angel stares at him for a long moment. And then, slow and careful, it smiles back.

[luchibelle-throughthecosmere]

Now that you've seen most of not all of Hoid appearances what do you think of him as a character and what do you think his powers are?

Hoid is the most interesting character in the Cosmere, without a doubt. Lately I have distinguished between two Hoids.

We have "Hoid the storyteller", also known as Wit. It is mostly developed in Stormlight Archive and Warbreaker. This is his more human side, where he shows his feelings the most. With those he likes Wit is soft and caring; with those he doesn't like he is very critical in a controlled way, without repercussions. Hoid connects with the broken because he is a broken man himself which is heartbreaking but also inspiring. At some point he realised that the bad things happenning weren't his fault, sometimes the world is unfair and there is nothing you can do about it. Life hasn't been easy on him but he has a lot of reasons to live even after so many years.

And then we have "Hoid on a mission". A wild card, a thief. This one is more developed in Scadrial and Sel, the guy that stole the Moon Scepter and the bead of lerassium. Most of the time he waits undercover for the action to start. Hoid won't kill a man but he might punch him repeatedly until he leaves him unconcious. Is he evil? For some time I entertained the idea. Now I have realised that while he isn't evil, he is cappable of doing wrong things for whatever his reasons are.

You must not trust yourself with me. If I have to watch this world crumble and burn to get what I need, I will do so. With tears, yes, but I would let it happen.

This two aspects of his personality combined turn him into a stubborn man with a sensitive side and a purpose in life. What is he up to? No freaking idea to be honest. Is he trying to become the new Adonalsium? Is he trying to make someone else become Adonalsium? Why is he collecting and mastering all those different representations of Investiture?

Let's talk about his powers now. Some of them are what I percieve as "innate" such as lightweaving, healing, extended lifespan and illusionism. My knowledge about this is extremly limited at the moment. Sometimes I read things about them but it remains a mistery where all this information comes from. Maybe WoB? Beyond that, he has "adquired" powers.

Hoid tried to become an Elantrian and failed, befriended a Skaze and finally stole the Moon Scepter. With that he might have figured out Sel's Investiture at last.

After some time in Scadrial he stole the bead of Lerassium from the Well of Ascension, becoming a Mistborn like Elend Venture. We could say he has mastered that abbility because we have seen him using it on Shallan. In my opinion it is implied that he prefers the Mental over the Physical metals, very fitting actually.

He hasn't used Hemalurgy on himself (that we know of, thank Adonalsium for that) and I don't know if he can use Feruchemy at all, the judge is still on that one. This reminds me that it's time to look for him on the first two books of Mistborn, back then I wasn't aware of him.

During his time at Naalthis he gained some breaths. In the epilogue of Oathbringer he uses perfect pitch, the Second Heightening, to help a little girl. Hoid isn't a good awakener yet, not with so little breaths. I want to think that Vasher would have noticed it if the King's Wit had lots of breaths.

And in that same epilogue he swears the first Ideal. It's going to be fun finding out how well he does as a Radiant. This form of Investiture might change his personality the most, being a Radiant is much more than having powers. It makes you a different person, your morality is tightly connected to it. Or maybe not, it's Hoid we are talking about.

There is no one better than Hoid when it comes to travelling through the Cognitive Realm. And he is a wanted men now. Luckily he is the best trickster and won't be easy to catch. All these must count as powers. When it comes to Hoid there is an universal truth: the more we learn about him, the less we know.

That was longer than expected, hopefully y'all don't mind my rant too much. Sorry, not sorry. What do you think of Hoid as a character and about his powers?

[collecting-stories]

Mistake | Hvitserk Ragnarsson

Hi, I love all your works, specially Hvitserk's. So, I was wondering if I could request a continuation of a prompt you wrote not long ago, about him cheating on the reader with Margeret and her finding out, and maybe you could use numbers 23 and 29 for it. Maybe she found someone else and he can't handle it, I don't know hahahaha I'd love to know what is that you think it'd happen. Thanks again for sharing all the wonderful stories 🙂

Mistake | Hvitserk | continuation of this fic. 

Hvitserk sat at the main table of the Great Hall, staring at you as you chatted with one of Ivar’s men. He had heard from his brother that the man you were talking to had been sharing your bed lately. You had told Hvitserk, yesterday after training, that you wanted a divorce.  

“We can make this work,” he had pleaded.

“You are still with Margerthe...I told you, it was me or her. If you wanted to prove yourself to me like you say you do than you would not be making room for her in your bed anymore. Since you are, I want a divorce.”  

“I am not the only one with a bedmate these days. Ivar says he has heard talk of you and a man from his army.” Hvitserk replied, grabbing for your arm when you began to walk away.  

“What does it matter to you who I spend my time with? We are no longer together. And I was never unfaithful to you, I would have never brought a man into our marriage bed. But I am the only one who kept it sacred and you want to treat me like this is my fault? I do not walk away from a devoted husband but a liar. Divorce me, I will not ask again.” You pulled out of his grasp and walked the rest of the way back your home.  

Tonight Hvitserk watched you. He watched the way you laughed with this new man, sat close to him and whispered in his ear. How his eyes lit up at whatever suggestion you had offered. Hvitserk could remember a time when that was you and him together. How you would follow him wherever he went and do anything he asked of you. Now it seemed you had found someone willing to give as much of himself to you and you gave to him.  

Hvitserk watched as you stood up, the man you were with standing after you and bidding his friends goodnight. He was the reason that you were asking for a divorce, Hvitserk was sure of it. This man was convincing you that you needed to be divorced, he was filling your head with stories and promises that would never come true. Were you truly willing to give up being a princess just to let some man hold your attention for a little while.  

Margerthe looked over at her lover, distracted as usual, his eyes following your every move. Ubbe had found someone else who interested him tonight and Hvitserk had been ignoring her for days now. She was growing tired of playing second best. Reaching over, she ran her fingers through his hair, nails scratching lightly in an attempt to gain his attention.  

When he swatted at her arm she called his name, “why do you ignore me? She does not even want you.”

“She doesn’t know what she wants.” Hvitserk replied, watching the viking slide his arm around your waist and pull you close.  

“I think she does brother, and it isn’t you.” Ivar laughed.  

“She will come back to me, I know it. She will see the error of her ways and return.” He said.  

“Oh my god, you’re in love with her.” Margerthe frowned, “though I do not see why. She is nothing special.”

Hvitserk turned so face it caught the attention of others at the table. He grabbed Margerthe at the neck and leaned in close. “You are the one who is not special. Do not be mistaken.” Then he stood, pushing passed people in the great hall to get to you.  

You were already outside, walking down the path with the viking you had been spending your days with. A man who had heard of your separation from Hvitserk and asked, one day after training, if you would consider him. Even just to help heal from the blow to your ego.  

You stopped him, turning so that you could face him properly, “I have asked Hvitserk for a divorce.”

“Then you will be a free woman.” He smiled at the realization. If you were free than you and he could pursue a life together. He put his hand on your cheek, drawing your face close to his for a kiss.  

Just then Hvitserk shoved him to the ground. You jumped back in surprise, caught of guard by your husband. “If I see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me!” Hvitserk shouted, standing over the other viking with a furious look in his eyes.  

“Hvitserk! What are you doing?” You smacked his arm, “you cannot come barging up here like this and try to hurt someone who is with me just because you percieve a threat. Go back to Margerthe.”

“I do not want her. I only want you.”

“You shouldn’t have waited so long. Regardless of what you want the truth is you no longer have me. And you never will again.” You replied. “I gave you a chance and you couldn’t be satisfied with only me. So I’ve found a man who is not interested in warming my bed with thralls.”  

As you spoke your companion stood though he respectfully said nothing. This was between you and Hvitserk and you didn’t need anyone to speak on your behalf. You were more than capable of defending yourself.  

“It was a mistake, are we not allowed mistakes?” Hvitserk asked.

“It was a mistake for me to marry you. I asked only that you kept her out of our marriage but you could not and now I have chosen for you. And nothing brings me more pleasure than knowing that you are miserable with her.” You replied. “I am going home Hvitserk and in the morning you will grant me the divorce that I have asked for or I will speak with Ivar about it.”

As you walked away Hvitserk stood there on the path watching you, realizing that there was nothing he could do to remedy this. You were no longer his and it was his own doing that pushed you away.  

for @alhenablack

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[borderline-vent]

So I know this is a vent blog but honestly like

I'm really grateful to my fp for helping me learn how to handle not only my bpd, but my other personality disorders, too. Whether it's avpd or avpd traits is a little up in the air w my therapist right now- at this point the list is kind of long and we're focusing on managing symptoms rather than what precise label goes where - but npd is a definite. When I met my fp I was mostly just questioning npd traits; I realized as I learned more about it and talked more to my therapist that I have, like, The Whole Thing. You know how it goes.

I'm determined not to be my mother who I suspect has bpd and npd traits -probably not the whole disorder, but some of our thought patterns and perceptions have been pretty similar in that regard -and kind of ruins everyone's life she touches, including mine. She's badly fucked her own self over, her husband I really don't think she abuses but he also seems uninvolved in some pretty significant ways; he just kind of let her do whatever she wanted to us, believed her over us, and she hides some of her worst abuse from him- like hitting me with a hanger, and choking my sibling and throwing them to the floor to scream at them and not letting us tell him what happened. She's also just manipulative and controlling and blames everyone else for her negative feelings and anything that goes wrong, even (especially) when it's her fault (sort of how her throwing me into a wall as a teenager was my fault somehow... lol). So that's oart of my motivation to work hard with therapy and learn to manage all this stuff, but really put some focus into managing my narcissism. It's not going to benefit me, or anybody else, if I'm unselfaware and I just treat people like shit all the time -which I don't, but I don't ever want to, and there are always places I can improce as a person.

It's hard to be honest and fucking excruciating to be vulnerable. I have a huge ego and a massive rift in self-esteem, I can't confront shame (so I use other mechanisms to motivate me to adjust problematic behavior) and I'm incapable of self-compassion, which apparently is essential for healing your inner child or something. I guess my inner child is just going to have to stay broken, but I can work on other things.

Fp has aspd and npd, which I think I've mentioned here before; and he's conscientious enough and makes me feel comfortable enough to talk to him about new things in my life, even things that make me feel vulnerable. We don't have all the same symptoms of course, but we share several, and he's got a lot of experience learning how to manage comorbid personality disorders, and when I'm really struggling he's extremely helpful in clearing my perception- and often he's the only person I feel comfortable enough to talk to about it, given that childhood abuse gave me such trouble with trust. I've known him for nearly 2 years now, and he's only ever demonstrated more commitment to treating me well, and so I trust him. I mean, I don't /really/ trust anybody. But I trust him more than anyone else, and he's made me feel more comfortable being secure and he's never been malicious or gaslit me or been cruel to me or put me down or any of the shit some other people have done.

I've also learned a lot about how dysfunctional my family is- for instance, defensiveness to the point of making an ass of yourself instead of correcting your mistakes, seems to be a family trait. Stuff like that is pretty frustating, given I'm (still) too sick to work and I have to live with them (but with therapy and a purse full of medicine I'm getting there). I isolate here a lot, because communication breaks down so easily, and then I get frustrated, and I don't want to snap at people and I want to try to identify what I could do to smooth interactions; and some things I'm oversensitive to because they remind me of my abusive mother (but apparently I'm not allowed to say "hey please don't do this because I have a history with it happening to me in greater degree and it's bad" because then I get accused of comparing people to my mother... anyway I spend a lot of time by myself.

Recently I've been deep in a ptsd swing because an alter got a (shiny!new!) flashback to our csa and so we had a bad couple of weeks tbh but it seems like that's smoothing out now. I haven't had a flashback or a panic attack in a couple of days and the nightmares are better too.

And I've realized that a lot of what I was so worried about before -a lot of what I yelled about on this blog actually- was just... not all an inaccurate perception on my part, but that I noticed changes in communication with fp and reacted to them in a characteristically borderline way. I correctly registered that he seemed more withdrawn, was less warm, etc. And when we talked about it, he told me he still liked me just as much as ever, but he was depressed, like we'd been talking about, and he had less energy and he just hadn't been expressing it the way he had when he'd felt better. And that's something I'm familiar with, because it's super common with depression and I've withdrawn like that, too.

He told me this friendship, and his being my fp, is important to him and he wants to maintain it, and he was glad I shared my feelings with him, because he wants to know if there's a issue. I told him that while I didn't want to make him feel taxed while he's depressed (or at all), more expression would ameliorate my anxiety and make me feel more secure. He didn't blame me for feeling the way I did, didn't try to make it my fault (it wasn't anyone's fault; I have my symptoms and he has his and we communicate out limitations and work on issues together) just told me he appreciated me, my friendship, and my communicating with him, and he'd adjust his behavior to help remind me I was liked and valued. And he has, and his depression has gotten better with meds, and I feel better (and the fact he was so receptive and so willing to put in the effort also made me feel better) and he's helped me as I've been stressed over family drama (my mother having some drama with other family members- I need to figure out somehow who's telling the truth but it's gonna be uhhh stressful) and over the new piece of trauma we remembered (not good) and the worsening of ptsd symptoms.

I feel stable in our friendship, and have done for several weeks now, and that's been the defining trend of our friendship over two years. It's fucking hard for me to feel stable or secure in friendships, especially with fps and especially when I have strong romantic feelings for them, but he puts in a lot of effort to help me feel that way, /and to help me improve my baseline ability to feel that way./

Our friendship is predicated in many ways on what's most useful; for instance, it's beneficial to him to put in that effort because I feel better, and so there's less maintenance work he needs to do. That's not a drawback; we genuinely like each other and enjoy one another's company, and help each other a lot, and while it's not an empathetic friendship from his side, it's a kind ans supportive one, a safe one, a sheltering one, a comfortable and profoundly important one. It's the strongest and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it's done as much or maybe even more than therapy has to get me through struggling times and improve the way I feel about myself and other people.

This is a long fucking post right now but like. I'm really grateful for this man. I always have been. I have strong emotional reactions to real or percieved abandonment, and I see it everywhere, but he never tries to make me feel bad for it, just helps me feel better. I yell a lot on this blog but there's a reason I haven't really posted here in a while (and other things go wrong elsewhere but I usually post about that on my other blog. That's where my ptsd and family vents went.) I have an as-soon-as-possible goal to get myself well enough to work, and save enough money to move so that I can live where he lives. I'll finally be away from toxic family (telecontact, I'm sure, but still a meaningful distance) and regularly able to see the most important person in my life, and I think that has a lot of potential to help with my mental health.

[opalmothnightingale]

5- 29- 18 - Building the connection to astral or the forest love, book love, hinted love, or whatever,...  Building that in a healthy fashion, ...  Will write more about this,...  Tonight, maybe,...  Here, maybe,...  Sleep eludes.  

Well, ok, to start, I will just list ideas that visit me, as I sit here, with my mind and stuff like an open door,...  So,..  First, well, mental, emotional, psychological distance, cool, detachment, and time apart is needed.  Especially if there is a hinted person who is a real living person.  But otherwise, yes, I can still become wishful, yearning, caught in the wish to make it be real and in the physical world in my life, soon if not right now.  To know more, to have more, more connection, more conversation, more knowing them, more closeness, more love, harmony, help, and giving.  There is a tendency to want to merge, dissolve, offer myself like a sacrifice to them, and have them do the same.  Give myself to you, you give yourself to me, I belong to you and you belong to me,...  We complete each other, ...  And I think that I try to make it all blend with who we are, as though we are able to be these sacrifices to one another, even if we’re actually just ourselves, so we can’t just be and do whatever the other wants.  Ultimately I think I can feel lost and absorbed into the other, and it’s not really a healthy mentality to want to give myself away so much and do whatever the other wants, even though in reality I don’t even want to but to just feel and think and see if I can try to,..  It’s still too far.  I’m not really so giving and flexible.  I am very much self possessed and spend most of my energy on my predetermined life that existed before anyone else entered the picture,...  After my husband and I drifted our different poles apart, in many aspects of our lives, I found a new self and health and wholeness that is mostly individualistic and isolated and doesn’t really have room for another person to be too taking...  

We have to be detached, not want to merge, not even want to do so at any level enough to feel compelled and impulsively seeking that, seeking to reach out and forge bonds that would not be healthy to form at this time, ...  And that is a big problem I can have.  I have to see how to prevent myself from feeling so compelled.  I am still working on that,..  And meanwhile I am maintaining more distance, but so are they, thank goodness...  The distance helps me have the control and detachment.  As does not thinking, not writing of all the beautiful messages I’ve been getting so very much.  

I think we ought to be non assuming, non attaching, when ti comes to getting to know one another.  Non labeling.  Or if we label let it be in a kind of easy light casual manner.  Let it be the fluid labels that can change from day to day or hour to hour, even...  Yes you seem like this and yes I want this, and I like this, but please don’t assume it’s always like this or always so important or not just a whim or a misinterpretation.  I won’t analyze and define your character, what I want to do or how I feel in any set in stone manner...  Let’s let it all be like chalk, easily blended or erased, drawn over,...  Let it be like sand, not clung to, not rehearsed, not thought about or reiterated.  Let’s not get worked up and obsessive, trying to please or figure each other out too much.  So there too it helps to have distance.

Yet it is not just a matter of having distance and time apart, nor is it a matter of keeping things more cool and calm...  As it also is important to have mental control, not to think about things too much or,... To make sure you see them from the perspective that lets you feel more cool, calm, detached,...  The intensity of emotions and connection, closeness, can be very strong but the important thing then is can you compartmentalize these feelings and not let them overpower but remain detached mentally?  It’s not the emotions, but more so the mental aspect, how do you mentally process and percieve and have control over your responses?  I am not so much in good practice of this, having so much control over my emotions and love impulses.  But I’ll try to learn how to do that because it seems pretty major when it comes to avoiding premature attachment...  A bane of my life...  so it has been.  Shameful, embarrassing, but good if I can come to terms with it.

It’s also good for me to go ahead and write about the messages I’m getting before I feel more attached, more close, like I know the person better.  If I’m getting the messages, then why not write them, if I can keep from feeling impulsively overwhelmed,...  I can write them before the feeling of clinging or inhibition, attachment or fear of losing or upsetting or embarrassing or whatever sets in...  As I have little understanding of the other person, it’s more objective and free to be my true self and just observe and comment on the messages I get ...  I will always be vulnerable in a relationship, and the expression of feelings and getting to know each other more deeply will shape, inhibit, and distort the focus of things, because that is inevitable.  Words being so imperfect and limited as they are this is just how it always goes, with emotions entangled and weighing and slowing things down, too,...  But that is romantic relationships.  It’s inevitably distorted,..  Better face things now before they have a chance to be more distorted.  If it all fades then it’s ok...

I need to keep the perspective,..  Yes, that it is all ok.  I am strong.  Strong enough to not need them.  Is it true?  I hope so.  New spirit loves arise for me when old ones drift away from me.  I feel I keep needing them and they keep rescuing me from trauma and overwhelm, depression, despair, disgust, and feeling so bored and tired and whatever,..  Fed up and exhausted with this world and life,..  They are able to heal and help me at those times, these spirit loves, like no one or nothing else,...  This is why I feel vulnerable and impulsive, regarding them,...  But I need to find how to feel I am strong enough that I don’t need them...  As they told me I am that strong, and advised me.  Well, maybe that’s right...  Before they came along so I felt I would be alright with the background slight presence of my book love, then things got kind of sidetracked and stuck in a rut, but then this new hinted love changed things,...  And I am not sure what to think.  What’s right, am I strong enough without them?  I can’t depend on anyone, yet, either, and I know,... I am very hesitant to depend on anyone, but I just still feel impulsive, vulnerable, and not sure how to proceed to stay strong enough in myself and not so easily hurt or feeling shame or pain in regards to love...  And not so impulsively wishing to make it more, recklessly, in the wrong time, and wrong approach, wrong words, totally awkward and yet I’ve always, always, always been like that when it comes to romance...  I have some lessons to learn, things to contemplate, and figure out...  Well, so I hope I can,...  Still, so much to learn for me in this part of my life, or mind, heart, psyche, ...  Oh well.  I will do whatever I can or manage.  Before it all runs wild over me, I have to stop the process instead and slow and control and have breaks and things.  Maybe.  Finally control my heart instead of it controlling me too much...  Even the heart needs limits, regardless of the lies perpetuated about its supposed wisdom and ultimate truth for all things, healing and solving all things, etc.  It’s not the quick fix after all.  Indeed. 

[jonny-amethyst]

@tarot-dreams  tarot challenge days 12 to 22   Not been feeling well still so I’ve linked them all together to catch up - hopefully be back to posting daily or at least every other day now :)

Day 12. I release control, and in doing so I am rewarded with new perspective. What is the first thing I notice?

3 cards - Cat ( Knower of Secrets II / The High Priestess ) - threw itself from the deck Bison ( Ace of Fossils / Ace of Pentacles ) Albatross ( 8 of Feathers / Swords ) - insisted I drew it , wouldn't stay put at the top of the deck ! I think my cards are a little miffed that I haven't spent as much time with them as I've been a little ill and busy ... they've been throwing themselves all over tonight! So , for the reading : Inner knowing / intuition . love for all and awakening opportunities ... I notice I am allowing myself more and more trust , knowing that every event is an opportunity for growth ... what is percieved as bad can also be a valuable opportunity to grow and learn new skills or mindsets.

Day 13. How can I be more prepared to deal with loss? Spider - sacred Spinner x ( The Wheel of Fortune ) To suffer a loss one must have had something worth losing in the first place. I'm grateful for everything I have  in my life and realise I'm only a caretaker ... nothing is mine , and yet everything is mine for the taking. Things ( and people ) change and evolve . Experience both sides of the coin ... the joy of having , and the grief of losing ... proof of love that is eternal in your memory.

Day 14. In which ways do I connect to my higher self already? Which areas have I yet to venture upon? 3 cards Snake ( Ace of Branches / Wands ) Scarab Beetle ( 10 of Branches / Wands ) Prairie Dog ( 3 of Fossils / Pentacles ) Your creative spark for life lifts you into another realm and often sees you magically coming up with ideas which seem 'out of this world' Your enthusiasm and keen interest often connect you to higher self and the realm of spirit as a means of making sense of your life. In order to progress spiritually you need to take a step back , relax , let go of some responsibilities and just allow yourself some time. Take time to appreciate nature and art , talk with the earth , collaborate with the spirits and your inner self. Your confidence will increase as you take a step back ... and suddenly everything will become so clear ! New friends , new places , new energies ... all will align with your new persona as the doors open to your true self.

Day 15. The journey of healing requires dedication and an open heart, what is the first step I need to take in order to allow myself to heal from the past. Raccoon ( Seer of Fossils / Page of Pentacles ) Explore the journey from the outside. The past is a story which is over , which can be retold as the archaeologist pieces together the evidence . Look at your story - what is wrong ? what could have been different ? Look at other perspectives - what would you have done / felt / changed given the chance ? You have the chance to examine the 'evidence' and learn from it.

Day 16. Fears flourish within the darkness, what is it that my fears have to reveal to me? Owl ( Keeper of the Light IX / The Hermit ) Sea Turtle ( Nurturer of Shells / Queen of Cups ) The entire universe is inside your mind , and yet you are alone . You seek for company but the company you need is right here already ... once you are comfortable within yourself you will find comfort in life. Learn to love yourself and your talents will shine through - stop fighting to fit in , your path was never meant to be easy or understood by others but to prepare you for the tasks ahead. Embrace your intuition , embrace the darkness - give it a hug ,you cannot be afraid of that which you love .

Day 17. That which I do, is that which will come back to me. How can I remember to always keep this in mind? Bison ( Ace of fossils / Pentacles ) Have gratitude and respect for all things - the good and the bad. Perspectives differ , feelings can still be upset with well meant actions or words , try to see things from a wider viewpoint.

Day 18. Through the moonlight my intuition radiates, what is it I am not seeing? Magpie ( 7 of Feathers / Swords ) Eagle ( Guardian of Feathers / King of Swords ) Crow ( 9 of Feathers / Swords ) Deception . I need to work out what I want , what path to take ... and how to travel it. I'm decieving myself and dishonouring myself through ignoring my intuition and spiritual calls. Powers are hidden , they wait , latent , dormant ... seeking a catalyst to ignite them and give them purpose. Relax , allow , be the change !

Day 19. What are my daily allowances to refresh my body, rest my mind and nurture my spirit? Deer ( 7 of Fossils / Pentacles ) Llama ( Seeker of Fossils / knight of Pentacles ) Tiger ( Guardian of Branches / King of Wands ) Take time to yourself to plan ahead and keep sight of your goals. Seek solace within , find your paradise , drink from the watering hole of life , give thanks for creation then stride forwards with determination and vigour ... let nothing stand in your way !

Day 20. A mirror reveals more than just my reflection. How might I be a negative influence to myself? Raccoon ( Seer of Fossils / Page of Pentacles ) Fascinated by life itself , ever curious , you spend most of it daydreaming , playing out scenarios which might never happen and allowing life to slip by as though it were a movie playing in the background. Take the lead role , examine the part , and ad-lib like your life depends on it ... it does !

Day 21. Have I achieved things in the past year that are in accordance to my life plans? Am I on the right track for success? 3 cards - Falcon  ( Seeker of Feathers / Knight of Swords ) Horse ( Spirit of Freedom VII / The Chariot  ) Rooster ( Call to Awakening XIX /   ) Flying high on spiritual wings is making you more aware of the ground below you and where you need to travel. You know which direction to head and follow the winds to reach it , sometimes stopping off along the way for a tasty morsel or to take a breather. You are going on an adventure ... you may travel far and wide and you may even find what you are looking for , but ultimately the journey is within. Have faith in your plans , make the journey over land and sea ... it will prepare you for the more arduous journey to come - that of the self. Find time to enjoy life and as you begin to see that there are more paths available the right one will become clear. A new age is dawning , and you are perfectly prepared to greet the sun with a smile on your face and joy in your heart.

Day 22. Change is upon the horizon, what does the future hold for me? Cat ( Knower of Secrets II / The High Priestess  ) Crow ( 9 of Feathers / Swords ) Octopus ( 8 of Shells / Cups ) Things will be revealed which will alter your views of life , friendships will end and new beginnings will lead the way to a different way of dreaming. Reach out for opportunity and move forwards , true friends will understand , know when to draw the line and stop giving so much of yourself. Many spiritual journeys will open up as you piece together your reality and learn new things which cannot be observed or comprehended from your current path. Understanding brings many rewards but also much responsibility - your current path is paving the way for your destiny. < it was a bit more explicit than that ... but I'm not going into any more detail as it would be hard to explain , and it's ... personal :) >