helaenatargaryensource

[littlelonelyone]

Only Us (George Weasley x Reader)

Warning: 17+, Soft Smut, Lots of Fluff, George and Reader are virgins.

Description: Reader and George have been friends their entire lives but there was always something between them that neither of them really discussed. (Doesn’t exactly follow the books, I just really love George.) They are 17 in here.

ALSO this is the first thing I ever wrote in 3000 years so plz be nice to me :] I KINDA GOT CARRIED AWAY SO FORGIVE THE LENGTH OF THIS!

“I- nothing...it’s just...you’re so pretty.”

I don’t know when I started to see George in a different light, I guess it was just bound to happen during the many hours we spent roaming the corridors alone and hiding in one of the twins secret passages after pranking Filch for the thousandth time. How we wouldn’t even be making a sound because of how hard we were laughing. Maybe it was then.

Or maybe it was the way he always smiled down at me whenever we walked side by side on our way to potions class, fingertips brushing against one another. The way he would lean into me when reaching over for ingredients, as if he easily couldn’t walk around the table and grab them, never resisting the urge to take a deep breath in because of how good he smelled. I don’t remember when his scent started to affect me or when I started to love the smell of firewood and apple pie so much. It always reminded me of the time we shared a slice and cuddled in front of the fire during a holiday spent at the burrow.

For the last 3 years, I had spent every holiday break with George and his family. I had known the Weasleys forever since both mine and Georges parents had attended Hogwarts around the same time as each other and were actually pretty close. We met when we were 5, George being a couple months older than me. Ever since we were kids we had always gravitated towards each other.

No one could ever make me laugh, smile, cry, or yell the way George Weasley did. I think thats what began to scare me. It started with a fluttering feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I would hear his contagious laughter and start smiling because seeing him happy and enjoying himself always made me happy. How he would randomly appear next to me while I relaxed on the couch in the common room. Suddenly lowering his head into my lap whilst looking into my eyes and I never realized I was holding my breath.

Something about George and the way his features were displayed on his face was so perfect and I loved to stare at him. I loved dragging my finger softly across his face as I traced his freckles and played with his hair. Watching as his eyes closed and watched the most content smile appear on his face as if I was his favourite person in the world. I really hoped I was. I was starting to realize he was mine.

I stopped moving my finger once it got to his lips, not noticing that I was staring at them. Not even realizing George opened his eyes and was now gazing at me like he was waiting for something to happen. Licking his lips and watching me closely.

The feeling of touching one another, even when it wasn’t meant to be intimate was probably Georges favourite feeling in the world. How comfortable the girl he stared up at made him feel. She was home and she didn’t even know it. The way she was able to change his mood around whenever he wasn’t feeling happy. Her smile alone was enough to change his mood and thats what he loved about her.

She had always been the sweeter one of the pair despite always being right by his side whenever he and his twin pranked people. She always treated everyone with respect and was very helpful. He loved the way her eyes would light up when he entered the room like he was the only person that mattered. To her he really was.

“We should go to bed?” George finally spoke after they were still for a couple minutes, thinking of one another. I nodded my head as a blush started to appear on my face, realizing my finger was still close to his lips. He smirked then licked my finger and jumped to his feet extending a hand out to to me. “Shall we milady?” I giggled and took his hand “We shall.”

Something felt different today, having George holding my hand and leading me to my private prefect bedroom. Of course we had spent multiple nights cuddling together or staying up late to talk about things nobody else knew about but for some reason today felt completely different and it was making me feel nervous but kind of excited. I could never feel uncomfortable around George because of how much he felt like home to me.

As I followed him up the stairs I couldn’t help but smile even bigger, I really loved being around George. He was all I thought about when we weren’t together and when I was around him everything just felt right and I never wanted that to go away. I squeezed his hand and almost immediately he squeezed it back. Looking behind at me with a grin.

Once we got to my bedroom we started our mini routine of making the bed as comfy as possible with as much pillows we were able to find and getting on our pyjamas (which was just shorts and a tank top.) George was the first to climb into bed and make himself comfortable on the left (he made note of me always sleeping on my left side so he wanted to be behind me.) I shut off the light and quickly ran to the bed because I was scared of the dark.

George chuckled and reached for me, pulling me right against his chest and inhaling. “Are you sniffing my hair?” I mumbled. His chest started shaking behind me indicating that he was silently laughing. “I can’t help it, I love the way you smell.” He whispered. After this little confession, I turned around to look at him. We just stared into each others eyes with this unspoken attraction that we both felt. Suddenly he broke contact and I watched his eyes move to my lips, causing me to lick them a little.

Then at the same time we both slowly leaned in and everything over the years began to make sense as our lips connected. All the nights we spent alone up in the astronomy tower stargazing, holding hands running through the corridors, always being partnered together for projects because the professors noticed we worked best together, going to Hogsmeade alone, laughing really hard and all our inside jokes we had. We were inseparable and I didn’t want to be away from him at all. I couldn’t stay away anymore.

Our lips moved together in sync, like a puzzle and it was probably the most perfect first kiss anyone could ever have. Georges hand cupped my cheek as the other one wrapped around my waist pulling me on top of him. I straddled his waist and leaned further into him, wanting to be as close as possible. He softy bit my lip causing me to let out a little moan.

Georges eyes opened upon hearing her, it was like music to his ears. He continued to kiss her and watched through half lidded eyes at her innocent reactions. The pink blush on her cheeks and quiet whimpers. Her long eyelashes that brushed against his face now that they were so close. He gave her one last kiss before pulling away. Once again they stared at each other, already knowing what the other was thinking about but she was the first to speak, face red and lips slightly puffy. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked and hid her face in his neck. George realized what they just did and suddenly became shy himself, which he never was. “I- nothing...it’s just...you’re so pretty.” George said.

Without moving my head from Georges neck, I puckered my lips and started to place soft kisses across his neck. Waiting to see which part made him weak so I could take control of him. After kissing a spot next to his adams apple, I noticed how his breath hitched and how he gripped my waist a little tighter. Smirking, I placed open mouthed kisses on the spot, making George groan softly. “If you keep doing that, I don’t think i’ll be able to stop what comes next..” he whispered in my ear. His breath against my ear made me arch into him and press my breasts against his bare chest. I was only wearing a tank top with no bra so the little action made George excited. He slowly moved his hands down my waist and placed them gently over my butt then squeezed softly. I moaned a bit louder this time, loving the feeling of his hands roaming my body.

I kissed his neck one last time before I began to suck the spot I knew was sensitive to him, George let out a breathy moan and bucked up into me, making our privates brush against each other. We were both new to this so every little feeling made us go crazy against the others skin and next thing you know George was gripping my butt and making me dry hump him. I could feel how hard he was getting as he rocked me against him. “G-George..” I breathed as he bucked up into me even harder causing friction.

It was getting more heated by the moment, one of Georges hand went into my shirt and moved up my stomach until his fingers were flicking and pinching one of my nipples. I arched and gasped, pulling him into a kiss. Our bodies moved against each other as we grabbed whatever we could get our hands on. We both moaned into the kiss as his penis brushed against my clit through the soft fabrics of our shorts. Once again we pulled away and looked into each others eyes.

“I love you.” Both of us said it at the same time. We both giggled then George kissed me on the nose before he spoke again, “I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you if thats alright?” A smile showed up on my face and I started to nod “I would be a little offended if you didn’t profess your love to me after all this..” I teased. He smirked then flipped us so I was on my back and he was hovering over me, “I’ll profess my love for you as many times that you want to hear it.” George leaned in to kiss my forehead, nose, both my cheeks and finally kissed me once on the lips before he pulled away to look down at me with a loving smile.

I pulled him back down “Kiss me.” Without another word he reconnected our lips and started a steamy make out. Georges hand moved my leg to wrap around his waist, the action made it easier for me to pull him against me. “Fuck (Y/N), you feel so good.” He whispered into the kiss. I smirked then began to arch against him more, making him buck his hips hard and throw his head back in a moan. When he looked back down at me his eyes seemed slightly darker and he was breathing raggedly. Staring into my eyes, he sucked his fingers into his mouth for a second before taking them and bringing them to the waistband of my shorts. We stared into each others eyes as he moved passed my panties and finally made it to my clit. He slowly started to rub and I was already very wet.

“Wow baby, you’re so wet for me, let me touch you more..” Georges voice was getting rough the more he was turned on and I thought it was the sexiest thing I ever heard. He continued to rub my clit faster, making me squirm underneath him and spread my legs wider for him. “Ahh- George… I-“ I couldn’t even manage to speak a proper sentence as I felt something in the pit of my stomach building up.

As quick as I opened them, I tried to squeeze my legs closed but George spread them once again just as fast. “Are you almost there baby? I can feel you tightening around my fingers.” He said confidently. I was a mess who couldn’t form a coherent sentence. I was arching and moaning and whimpering and doing everything you can imagine. With one last flick of his fingers, I was cumming so hard and pulled him into a kiss. We lazily made out before I tried to reach down to his shorts so I could return the favour. I was surprised to feel nothing but wetness. When I looked at him he was already staring at me with a sheepish smile. Him watching me get off was enough for him to release early into his shorts. I gave George the biggest kiss I could give him along with a bunch of tiny kisses across his face to let him know that he didn’t have to be embarrassed.

After we both got our breath back, I reached for George and pulled him onto my chest. “I meant what I said about wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. I think I’ve always been in love with you but had no courage to do anything about it until I started to realize no matter what we both felt, you wouldn’t hurt me and you would be the one to comfort me in the end. Even if that does sound odd, guess it’s my stupid way of saying that you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met and I want you around me 24/7.” He said all in one breath.

In response to him and also me being too tired to speak, I began to play with his hair and trace his freckles like I had done earlier that evening before we knew we loved each other.

[lightlycareless]

happy new year y'all and belated xmas I guess due to the theme of this oneshot lmao. I never get inspiration for these things unless on the actual day; can you believe that?

anyways, I hope you will still be able to enjoy this little thing i wrote :> I call it "Naomi's first xmas" (a.k.a your daughter with Naoya).

Warnings: none. fluff. your dad being a goofball.

Enjoy!

“I don’t think many people are going to come.”

“Who did you invite?”

“You know, the usual, but I doubt he’s going to show up, as always.”

“Then I won’t make more.”

“… well, do a bit more, a tiny bit, just in case.” 

Coming from the kitchen, you heard your siblings, Hinata and Ren, discuss the last preparations for Christmas Eve dinner.

Every year, planning around these holidays would go down the same way: Ren was designated to be the leader of sorts, making the decisions that ranged from what kind of decoration would be used around the house to what they’d have for dinner. 

Back in the day it would be your parents, (and then just Eiichi, of course), the one in charge of all that; but as of recent years Ren decided to take on that responsibility simply for the sense of comfort this familiarity brought him; and because he genuinely enjoyed doing so—also, because he’d spent last Christmas’ with his wife, Kanon, and felt like he needed to something to make up for those holidays he spent apart from his family.

From there, Hinata. She… Well, she’d try her best to be around the holidays to begin with, since work was always hectic for an accomplished sorceress around this time. Now add to that that she’s also an heiress of a somewhat important clan! And that’s just all year round.

Yet, she’d always manage, either through overworking herself days prior, or because she has excellent time management skills—thus, when she does find herself back home, she’d be the one to send out invitations and general holiday greetings.

And lastly, you. Alongside your father, you’d be the one to set up the decorations and buy gifts. It was your favorite activity to do during the holiday season, after spending time with your family of course. Something about seeing what new seasonal merchandise stores had always filled you with excitement, as well as an urge to get everything before it sold out!

But this year, you’d impose a limit on yourself; and not because you came to the realization that this might’ve been getting a bit out of control, but rather, because your attention now dwelled on something more important.

It’s what made this year’s holidays all too special compared to the rest: it was your daughter’s first Christmas.

It was safe to say that everyone held the same excitement as you and Naoya had when it came to seeing her reaction to everything Christmas. 

She already had her first Halloween, which had been a total success as seen by her toothy grin while wearing that adorable costume you got her—something you’ll forever remember thanks to the endless pictures you took, the same  ones your father and siblings demanded you’d share, quickly becoming everyone’s phone wallpaper.

In other words, the anticipation to see what Naomi will be wearing/doing for the holidays was much greater than that of the actual presents—although for you and Naoya, getting to spend time together as a family was more than enough.

“Do you need help with anything?” you’d ask, looking over Hinata’s shoulder; Ren had been earnestly debating whether to prepare more food, or not, for those yet-to-confirm guests. He didn’t mind having to do more, he just didn’t like the notion that it might go to waste.

But even then, he knew that between Hinata, you, and him, that wouldn’t be an issue.

“Yes—bring Naomi-chan!” Hinata says, swiftly turning around while grinning.

“I meant, with dinner.” You chuckle.

“Aw, then why you’d ask?” your sister frowns.

“She’s asleep right now, Hinata. Why would you even ask something so selfish?” Ren teases.

“I just want to see my adorable niece.” Hinata whines. “It’s all I want for Christmas!”

“Get in line, then.” Ren smirks, moving from one side of the counter to the other before placing a tray into the oven. “Do you plan to dress her up this time?”

“Not in a costume per say, but yes! Got everything set up already; but I’ll change her after Naoya and dad are back.” You respond.

“Oh, can we at least get a sneak peek?!” Hinata begs, you shake your head.

“It’s a surprise.” You smile, Hinata groans.

“Aghhhhh, then they better hurry up!”

Normally, everyone would’ve remained at the house by that point, with the occasional exception of going to the store to buy some last-minute things, but even then, it was still very rare since Ren diligently accounted for everything the moment he set his mind to it.

However, this Christmas would continue to prove itself different by a landslide, starting with the absence of your father and Naoya.

Circling back to the fact that this was to be Naomi’s first Christmas, Naoya promised himself to do everything in his power to make it extra special. 

Such as by getting her all the presents in the world: toys, dolls, plushies, or anything that pertained to her favorite character—and even though some of them weren’t really suitable for her young age, Naoya brushed off any doubts by  saying:

“What if it’s a limited-edition item and by the time she’s older it’s no longer available? Yeah, no, I’m not risking my little princess being upset because of my insolence. I’m buying it.”

The same excuse he’d when also getting her things that simply caught her interest; just to be sure she had them whenever she eventually began to like them.

But as happy as you were to see Naoya happily indulging your baby, there were moments where the thought of him perhaps going a bit overboard with the presents crossed your mind… 

Yet, as always, he’d reassure you with the following:

“This is only the bare minimum for Naomi—and even then, it is not enough!” 

And with that, you’d only chuckle, understanding that even if you asked him to control himself a bit, he would just proceed to spoil her again.

Looks like there’s no definite way to beat a father’s determination when it comes to making his daughter happy…

And talking about fathers…

Because Naomi was Eiichi’s first grandchild + her first Christmas, it was only natural that just like Naoya, he’d want to make this celebration as special as it could be—just as he always did year round.

However, one thing would still manage to surprise you out of all this, and it wasn’t their unconditional adoration towards Naomi, (which you were eternally grateful for) but rather… the unspoken competition that sparked between your husband and father to show said affection.

For example, whatever Naoya bought for Naomi, your father would get two, even in different colors, in case one of them broke down or got lost, or something between the two

“Just in case” Eiichi would say when confronted if this was really necessary.

It definitely irked your husband much more than he would like to admit, a consequence of his highly competitive and overprotective nature…

Yet, Naoya knew very well that there was no true maliciousness behind his actions, for your father was only being affectionate and caring—if anything, he was glad that she had a loving family to endlessly dote on her; a contrasting difference to how the Zen’in normally behaved. 

But going back to the reason for their absence, in their excessive purchase of presents they had failed to realize that shipped items may face a delay due to the high amount of work the postal service is put under throughout this season. 

The shock on their faces when finding out that Naomi might not be able to open all her presents on Christmas day is one that you’ll never forget—although it amused you more than anything else.

This issue would just remind you how resourceful they were, because by some strange, unknown efforts, they were able to get her presents just in time—like, on the very day of Christmas eve, which is why they were out, scampering to the postal office to pick up her things, subsequently wrapping them and placing them underneath the Christmas tree; and all before Naomi could notice they weren’t even there to begin with.

“Realistically, I don’t think she’s going to notice.”  You say upon noticing their stress, an attempt to alleviate some of their burdens.

“But still—we can’t have her believe Santa likes others better!” Eiichi countered, and Naoya silently agreed. “Y/N, do you think—"

“Already ahead of you.”  You smile, willing to go along. “She’ll probably be taking a nap either way, so don’t worry. Naomi won’t see a thing!”

… But will they be back soon?

[Naoya: We’re almost there, just finished wrapping the presents.]

[Y/N: Oh, that’s good. I was beginning to worry that something happened! Anyways, the food is almost done, all that’s missing is you and dad. Please come back quickly, baby ☹ Naomi and I miss you.]

[Naoya: I’m almost there, my love. However… there’s something I need to tell you first.]

[Y/N: What is it? Is everything ok?]

[Naoya: Yes, but it's about your dad.]

[Y/N: … What about him?]

[Naoya: Your dad is coming back later.]

[Y/N: Huh? What do you mean he's coming back later? What happened to my dad?]

[Naoya: Nothing bad, I swear, I know how this sounds but don’t worry about it. Just… well, you'll know what I mean.]

And a few minutes later, Naoya finally arrives, bringing along a huge bag filled with what you imagined to be (largely) Naomi’s presents, colorfully wrapped boxes of all sizes which he scurried to organize underneath the tree before anything else—He didn’t mean to walk past you without even acknowledging you, of course not, but he had to make haste of the fact that Naomi was still asleep.

But once that was set, he was finally able to greet you as his heart desired, swiftly walking over to your side as he took you into his arms, leaning down to sweetly peck your lips.

“Welcome back, dear.” You smile, placing your hands on the sides of his face and pulling him closer to you before helping him out his coat. “How was the trip? Chaotic?”

“Yes, last minute-shoppers.” He sighs, resting his face against the crook of your neck once free of his coat before groaning. “Don’t know why people tend to leave everything to the end, it’s—annoying. And to think they almost cost my daughter her first Christmas!”

You chuckle, kissing the top of his head while rubbing his back.

“Well, you won’t have to deal with them anymore—Or anyone else but us for the next few days.” you say, reminding him of his small break from work. Truly, a Christmas miracle.

From that day forward, until he has to go back of course, it’s just him, Naomi, and you.

“That sounds like a dream.” He admits, leaning back to get a good look at you and smiling. “Naomi is still asleep, right?”

“Yes, she is—napping in the bedroom.” You grab his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. Then, you look over his shoulder, noticing a peculiar absence. “By the way… I’m assuming dad is not here because of the thing you told me?”

Naoya nods.

“What happened?”

He presses his lips together.

“… he told me he needed to do something else before returning.” Naoya begins, in such a suspicious way that obviously makes your anxiety rise even higher. 

Your husband is quick to catch your reaction, but he's even quicker to reassure you.

“I wish I could tell you more, mochi, but he told me to keep it a secret. It’s nothing bad, just… play along, ok?” Naoya says, kissing your cheek.

Well, you know it could never be anything bad if it came from either your father or husband.

But if so, why such secrecy? It really unnerved you, especially for the time this was taking place in…

“Will I get to know eventually?” is all that you ask, he nods.

“Very soon.”

But if it was of utmost importance they keep this a secret, then you’ll trust them. And soon, you leave it at that.

“Do you think they’ll like our little surprise?” Naoya asks, changing the subject.

“Of course.” You grin, excitement beaming through your words. “Kept it a secret until now so no one suspects a thing!”

“I still can’t believe.” Naoya smiles, kissing your lips once more. “It's really happening.”

“I just hope my dad will be here to see it…”

“Why is dad still not back home?” Hinata asks upon noticing the elephant in the room: Ren had just taken out the last tray from the oven, began to prepare the food to be served, yet Eiichi was nowhere to be found. 

Certainly uncommon from someone who treasures family above anything else. 

“I thought he was only going to pick up some things.” she adds.

“Right, Naoya?” Ren says, with an accusatory tone that immediately makes your husband nervous.

“Ye—yeah…” he murmurs, eyes darting around the room for your support, only to panic when realizing you also have yet to come back from Naomi, away readying her for the evening now that she woke up. “He said he’ll be back soon.”

“Heard anything from him yet?” Hinata asks for the nth time at that moment. He shakes his head.

“Just that he’s almost done.” Naoya responds, trying his best to not feel intimidated by them. Even after years of being married to you, and now father of your child, your siblings always found ways to tease him; all in a playful nature, of course. “Anyways, Naomi should be ready soon…”

“Oh, that’s true! Y/N’s getting baby Naomi ready, isn’t she?” Hinata gushes, completely discarding the dilemma with her father out the window and focusing on what she considers the highlight of the day, no, year! “I wonder what adorable outfit she’ll wear today! Can you give us a hint at least, Naoya??”

The ball is on his court this time, and Naoya plans to take advantage of that.

“No can do.” He says, a smile on his face. Revenge is served when Hinata groans. “Not even I know what she’s planning.”

“How… mysterious” Ren murmurs. “First dad, and now Y/N… if I didn’t know any better, it seems like they’re plotting something together.”

“No, that can’t be.” Naoya immediately says, and as if his behavior wasn’t suspicious already, Ren and Hinata are now completely convinced that your husband is hiding something. “I mean, Y/N doesn’t know what’s going on either so….”

“Well, I’m sure we’ll figure it out soon enough.” You suddenly say, having arrived just a few seconds ago as you stand by the entrance; with a big grin on your face and the perception of hiding something behind you. “Is the food ready?”

“Y/N.” Naoya breathes; hopeful at the sight of his salvation. At least he’ll be away from being further interrogated by your siblings and jeopardizing the mission. 

He wishes to walk over to you, but knowing the intention behind your approach, as well as noticing the eager look on your face, he stays still.

“It is… but only for those that bring Naomi-chan!” Hinata exclaims as she tries to look over your shoulder, you moving along her eyes. “Where is she? Still asleep?”

“Not quite.” You say, giving your husband one last glance, a tight smile that tells him just how excited you were, a sentiment he also shared, which he responds with a reassuring nod.

So, gathering all your courage, you clear your throat, take a deep breath, and then, address your siblings.

“Naoya and I wanted to keep this a surprise for today, since we thought it was quite fitting.” You begin. “I was hoping for everyone to be here, but if I don't do it now, I fear it might spoil itself.” 

“What surprise?” Ren asks, and with that, you move to the side, letting your small surprise step into the picture.

Dressed in a green and red linen romper over a long sleeved white collared shirt, with a bow of the same fabric decorating her dark hair, your daughter Naomi tightly held onto your leg as she walked beside you.

Her legs were a bit wobbly, with one of her arms occasionally stretching out as to keep balance, while the other tightly held onto your hand for safety—Yet her determination to continue forward remained unwavering, as well as the excitement of your family when seeing their beloved niece finally taking her first steps!

Kind of. 

“She can—she can walk already?!” Hinata is the first to exclaim, crying at the adorable way Naomi tried to follow your lead. “When—when did this happen???”

“She can.” You say, trying your best to not pick her up, hug her, and kiss her all over her soft cheeks! After all, Naomi was very determined to keep walking once she discovered she could, a fact that made her advancement impossible to hide from the rest of the world since she wanted to do nothing but explore her new skill! 

There's no doubt in your mind that if she keeps up like this, she'll be able to run in no time! And from there…

Oh, can't she stay a baby forever?

“Naomi only started walking a few weeks ago.” Naoya says as he walks over to the two, solely intending to accompany both and be there if Naomi were to fall, but he ends up leaning down to grab her hand instead, for as soon as he was near, she reached out for him.

A sight that almost made everyone's heart burst out of their chest at the sheer adorableness of it. 

“Ho—how?” Hinata asks, still not believing her eyes.

“She just… pulled herself up one day, kept trying until she was able to do it, and the rest is history!” You happily recount her efforts, as well as the adorable pout she’d make when trying. “Whenever we tried to help her though, she always rejected us, guess she wanted to do it herself— she takes after her papa in that matter.”

Naoya chuckles; he won’t deny his stubbornness.

“Owww, I can’t help it, I need to hug her!!” Hinata cries, swiftly running over to Naomi and unwittingly startling Naomi, who cowered behind her dad soon after. A sight that effectively snaps Hinata out of trance, kneeling to her level to softly hug her and utter endless endless apologies. “I’m so sorry, Naomi-chan, I didn’t mean to scare you, please forgive me!” 

She begs while kissing her cheeks, which at first confuses Naomi, enough to attempt to push Hinata away… until her gestures begin to tickle her, making her stop and giggle in turn, seemingly leaving all misunderstandings behind.

“I can’t believe she’s growing so fast…” Ren says, walking over to the rest and carefully pinching Naomi’s cheeks once Hinata frees her; this makes her giggle too. “It seems like only yesterday we were getting you ready to go to the hospital.”

“And now, she’s almost a year old.” Naoya concurrs, looking at you. 

He too can’t believe that almost a year has passed since she arrived in this world, since she made their life happier—better. Truly, it almost seemed like a dream, however, the truth would prove much, much better this time around.

This wasn’t a figment of his imagination: this was his life. And he wouldn’t want it any other way.

“We need to prepare everything for her birthday!” Hinata declared. “I can already think of a few places we can do her party! How about it, Y/N? Picture this—”

“Let’s do a celebration at a time, Hinata.” Ren chuckles, you doing the same soon after, finding her enthusiasm amusing. “We’re still not even done with Christmas, let alone New year… Which makes me ask, where’s dad? Are we to eat without him? This is the first time he’s ever been this late…”

The look of concern you and your siblings direct at Naoya is what finally pushes him to disclose what he and Eiichi agreed to keep a secret.

“I wasn’t supposed to tell, but the reason why Eiichi-san is late is because he—”

“Ho, ho, ho!!”

A loud voice, followed by heavy footsteps making their way through the entrance are heard, followed by a soft thud and another cheer. 

“Merry Christmas!!”

Everyone’s head swirls into its direction, expectantly hoping to see the one behind these unanticipated actions.

Yet, it’s only you who manages to recognize who it was, as well as the nature of their actions.

And boy, was it a surprise when the truth finally settled in.

“Oh my god…” it’s all you could muster in reaction as the guest continues on with their rally.

“I heard that here lived an adorable baby girl that behaved very well this year!” Santa Claus would continue to say, grinning as he took some presents out of the large bag he carried along and placed them underneath the tree, before turning around towards the intrigued, if not slightly embarrassed, family staring at him, searching for said girl. “And because she was such a good girl, I wanted to personally come here and give her her pres—”

But when his eyes finally fall onto Naomi, Santa Claus immediately goes silent, intently staring at her for a few seconds before coming to the same conclusion that had everyone in shock, eyes widening as he shrieks.

“SHE CAN WALK!???”

Any suspicions that the man dressed up as Santa Claus was in fact, your father, are quickly verified by his reaction, further cemented when he rushes over to her, swiftly picking her up in a hug to coo at Naomi’s advancements.

“Oh, Naomi-chan!! When did you begin to walk?!” He’d ask, feeling a combination of happiness, nostalgia, and even heartache—for he was both glad and sad that his grandbaby was growing up. “Had I known, I would’ve gotten you more presents!!”

Everyone knew that the man behind this amusing spectacle was none other than your dad, per usual goofy Eiichi nature, by this point. However, there was still one person that remained in doubt, and that would be none other than Naomi herself.

Even if she was an impressionable young child, there were still a handful of things that didn’t necessarily catch her attention; unless it pertained to those of her favorite characters, of course.

But returning to her distaste, the most noticeable icon of this festive season fell into that list; she just… didn’t like him. Ignored him whenever possible; yet, there was still a catch: if her favorite mascot was dressed as Santa Claus, then Naomi couldn’t have enough of him!

Neither you nor Naoya knew why she did so, but it just happened, and the two grew to accept that fact, just as everything else.

Unfortunately, it seems that both had forgotten to tell your father about this small detail, and what Eiichi hoped to be a heartwarming experience for his beloved granddaughter, soon turned sour, specially when her big round golden eyes began to water after noticing that no matter how much she tugs, this stranger was not letting her go.

“Oh, little pumpkin, no!” Eiichi gasps, feeling like absolute garbage when Naomi continues attempting to push him away. “It’s me! It’s grandpa!”

“There’s no way for her to know that—take the beard off!” Ren exclaims, and in one swift movement, Eiichi strips the white beard off his face, discarding it to the side and revealing his face for Naomi to see.

“See, little pumpkin? It’s me!” he repeats whilst frantically hoping that he hadn’t irrevocably messed up. “It’s me! Granpa!”

And as if she understood what he meant, Naomi finally glances back at him, staring at him for a few moments in what many considered both curiosity and fear… which slowly shifted into adoration once finally recognizing her beloved grandpa, and subsequently hugging him.

“Yes! I knew you’d recognize me!” Eiichi softly cries as he leans down to kiss the top of her head, making her giggle in response. Your heart melts at the sight of Naomi warming up to your father, while Naoya sighs, relieved that this didn’t escalate any further.

“Without the beard, it would be almost impossible not to.” Hinata teases, and your dad frowns, trying to understand what your sister meant—she and Ren only laugh. 

“Ah, but my sweet adorable little pumpkin, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Eiichi would continue to say, feeling very, very regretful for his actions. However, it seemed that Naomi no longer paid mind to that, giving the understanding that she knew it wasn’t intentional, or cared more to be with her favorite grandpa.

And while that went down, you look over to Naoya, moving closer to his ear to whisper:

“Is this what you were referring to?”

Naoya hums, nodding. You chuckle.

“I should’ve told him.” He says, and you give him a soft smile, squeezing his hand.

There was no way he could’ve known, but after this happened, alongside Naoya’s growing guilt, he began to believe that maybe he should’ve…

But truth to be told, Naoya didn’t have the heart to ruin Eiichi’s enthusiasm, after all, no one from the Zen’in clan bothered to care about anything but the bare minimum when it came to Naomi, while your father consistently went above and beyond for his family. 

So because of that, when Eiichi told him of the little surprise he was preparing for his daughter, with such excitement that told your husband how much he wanted to do this … Naoya allowed him to go through with it.

Because at the end of the day, anyone that has your and Naomi’s happiness and safety in mind, he’ll always welcome—and he’s long come to see that your family wants nothing but that for the three.

“Does she not like Santa?” Ren asks now that the situation has calmed down.

“It seems so—it’s why we haven’t been able to get a picture of the two.” You explain, reminiscing how you’d have to cancel a photo appointment because Naomi didn’t want to be near Santa Claus, not even when you and Naoya were there.

“Ah, well, Santa is overrated anyways!” Eiichi says, more than ready to discard this silly costume if it meant baby Naomi would no longer be afraid of him.

“How… ironic of you to say that.” Ren adds with a chuckle.

“Unless you’re dressed as—“ you begin.

“Hello kitty.” You and Naoya speak in unison. 

“Naomi really likes Hello Kitty.” Naoya finishes.

At the revelation, Hinata grins.

“You like cats too?” Your sister asks, lightly tickling Naomi, she giggles in response. “When you’re old enough, I’ll give you a cat—how about that, hm?”

“Ehh, I’ll hold that thought for now.” You intervene before Hinata could continue on with her promises. While you would’ve loved for your sister to spoil your daughter, two particular reasons pushed you to stop: first, this was a decision that should be previously consulted with the parents, and secondly, Naoya already planned to gift Naomi a kitty himself—one that would resemble the character as closely as possible—when she was old enough to take care of it.

“You’re getting ahead of yourself again, Hinata. There’s still gifts to open.” Ren says, gesturing over to the boxes underneath the tree, and those still inside Eiichi’s bag. 

“Yes! I want my adorable granddaughter to open all of them first!” Eiichi would say, handing Naomi over to her father once she began to gesture her desire to be carried by him. The way she rests her head over his shoulder makes Naoya smile.

“But first, let’s eat dinner—I didn’t spend all this time preparing food for no one to take a bite!” Ren says, the group agrees, and soon, preparations for dinner begin.

Hinata would help you set up Naomi’s chair, placing it just between Naoya and you, while you went ahead to get your daughter’s food—the slow transition of feeding her with a cup instead of a bottle had just begun a few weeks ago, and with great feedback, you just hope it continued on steadily.

Eiichi, on the other hand, rushed to his bedroom to quickly change out of his costume and adequately help Ren serve dinner. 

Once everyone was seated and with their respective plates, dinner finally began.

The evening would go on wonderfully, with everyone relishing on the delicious delicacy Ren had prepared, as expected, while sharing anecdotes that made you both laugh or fluster, depending on who was the one telling them: how your dad always managed to make everyone embarrassed is something that you’ll never figure out—certainly, a talent of his own—before moving onto comparing the similarities between Naomi and her parents once she does a particular gesture that Eiichi had to point out.

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything, but I think Naomi is starting to take more after you in that aspect.” Naoya would tease.

“No, she does not!” you gasp, referring to the habit Naomi had of pouting when things didn’t go her way. Sure, you might’ve done it once or twice when you were younger, but…

No, surely not.

Unless…?

“Or does she…?”

“A bit. She has to take after you. I was never that cute when I was a kid.” He reiterated; you smile, trying to hide your blush.

“Really? I always thought she looked more like you.” You confess. Always hoped that she would… 

“She looks just like the two, actually.” Eiichi added. “But I do have to say, that out of the two, Naomi looks a bit more like—”

“Naoya” an unaccounted voice coming from the entrance was heard, making those at the table quickly turn around to see who it was, even little Naomi, as if she knew that no one was expecting anyone else to show up —especially the one that after years and years of being invited, never attended.

“Satoru!” Hinata gasps, perhaps the most perplexed one out of the group; at one point she even felt as if had hallucinated seeing him there. “I didn’t think you—what are you doing here?”

“I’m visiting my other family! I know we’re not together anymore, but I still hold everyone dear, you know?” He jests and Hinata sighs. Seems that not even during Christmas time would the god’s honor your sister’s request of making Satoru a bit less annoying. Not that much, just… a little.

Truly, she was better off asking for literally anything else but a miracle.

“We weren’t even married…” Hinata murmurs, not that it mattered at that point anyways, less when Satoru moved on to greet Eiichi and Ren (who were rather amicable to say the least, still speechless for seeing him show up after years of absence) before stopping by you, Naoya, and Naomi—lips parting onto a grin when seeing the new family.

“And who is this? Chibi Y/N?? Wow, look at how much she’s grown! I still remember her when she was nothing but a little baby! How old is she now?”

“You’d know if you’d respond to my messages.” You respond, a smirk on your face as Satoru pouts. “Or come to the party I threw for her 6th month birthday…”

“Hey, I got her a gift! That’s bound to mean something, right?” Satoru pinches Naomi’s left cheek, causing her to frown and whine. “Ah, you’re just as moody as Naoya; Thank God she looks more like you, Y/N. Imagine if we’ve gotten two Naoya instead of you? The Zen’in would go insane!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Naoya frowns.

“Didn’t you just say she looked more like him?” you raise an eyebrow, Satoru shrugs.

“Huh, did I?” He feigns ignorance, you roll your eyes. “Must’ve slipped my mind… anyways, I got everyone presents!”

You now notice the bag he was carrying; didn’t seem that big, but it did look like it was full. 

“Especially for chibi Y/N” Satoru hands you over the bag, which Naoya takes soon after standing up—your theories of the bag being full are proved right when your husband notices how heavy it was.

You sigh.

Even if Satoru is what many considered imprudent, he was still goodhearted. And so, you motion Naoya to take the presents to the tree.

“Thank you, Satoru. I’m sure Naomi will appreciate your gift.” You say, a smile on your face.

“If you didn’t get her anything weird, of course.” Ren adds. At the noise of his voice, Satoru can’t help but unintentionally tense up—your brother always had an effect on him that made him feel like a cornered kid. In that sense, everyone was relieved that there was one person that could ground Satoru to reality. “Unless…”

“No, of course not.” Satoru quickly says, laughing nervously. “Who do you think I am??”

Everyone remains quiet as they silently judge him—even little Naomi, who couldn’t possibly know what he was referring to, joined in on the bewildering scrutinizing crusade against him; there’s no doubt in his mind now that she is a L/N.

“Have you eaten anything?” You’d move on. “The food is still warm if you want some.”

“Sit down, I’ll serve you some.” Ren would say before Satoru could even answer, which prompted the Gojo heir to finally accept his offer and take the last available seat, the one besides your father.

Once getting his food, dinner would go as it went before, prompting more stories now that Satoru joined in, with the slight difference that Hinata was now the center of attention.

You undoubtedly knew that your sister was much more than she was letting on, but these anecdotes from when she was a student at jujutsu high were far better than you ever imagined; she sure had everyone fooled with the responsible and dedicated image she made for herself!

But even then, they’d have nothing on your father when he began to tell his own stories: who would’ve known that the goofy, lovable man that your father was had actually lived through his fair share of mischief? Seems that even after years of knowing him, there were still many things to discover about him!

It made you and Naoya wonder what kind of reaction Naomi would have once she learned of your own adventures; the thought that either of you (Or maybe even the two) could become the uncool parent makes you chuckle. 

Maybe your dad was right, maybe this was some kind of rite of passage one must go through when becoming a parent.

After sharing enough anecdotes, now began the most exciting part of the night—opening the presents.

Tensions were already high when it came to the silent competition going on between your father and your husband, but with the unexpected addition of Satoru, this just raised the stakes: they all wanted Naomi to open their presents first.

Luckily, they were still able to listen to reason when you suggested that the best way to solve this was to let Naomi choose by herself, nothing of persuading her to choose theirs or anything of the sorts—simply letting her walk towards the box she found most interesting and let everything else fall into place. 

It was endearing to see how happily she reacted to the fact that (mostly) all the presents underneath the tree were there for her, as well as the cheerful way she began to open them, alongside the help of her papa, of course, for she still wasn’t strong enough to do it herself.

You once considered your dad and mom to be a bit… well, exaggerated whenever they’d take endless pictures of you and your siblings when doing anything—but now that you and Naoya had Naomi in your life… their actions no longer seemed overstated as they once did. If anything, you grew to understand why they’d done so and if anything, it inspired you to  do the same!

To see her chubby face beam whenever seeing her new toys and plushies was one you’d never replace for anything, more so when she got to see all of the presents her daddy got her. 

No one knew Naomi better than her own father, thus every single thing Naoya got for her was to be Hello Kitty themed: from socks, to shirts, plushies and even accessories—anything that his baby wanted, he’d get. In all the possible variations of her favorite Sanrio character. 

Which made Ren, Hinata, and your dad a bit nervous, for it seemed that Naoya had the gift department well covered, making it almost impossible to compete…

But you’d reassure them that Naomi, alongside you and Naoya, were wholeheartedly grateful for their attention and gestures, and that she’d love them all the same.

But outside of that, the thing that perhaps intrigued everyone the most was Satoru’s present. As previously stated, he had a tendency of gifting… Well, odd things, and that was the easy way to put it. 

From objects that you have yet to find a use to, to things that you would rather die than to be seen in public with them, Satoru was unpredictable as unpredictable as he could be.

Thus, everyone understood why Naoya took it upon himself to open Satoru’s present, even if it made Naomi whine in response.

“I just gotta make sure there’s nothing wrong with it, little princess.” Naoya explains, hoping that this would ease Naomi’s rising irritation—it kind of did, but she’d only calm down when Satoru’s gift was eventually revealed:

A Digimon plushie, from the character known as koromon, to be precise.

“Huh, I guess you are capable of doing normal things.” Hinata would say, Satoru scoffs.

“Don’t you mean better things, Hinata?” He teases back, Hinata rolls her eyes.

“Thank you, Satoru.” You say, looking at him. “But you know that in this household we only like Pokémon.”

“Not if I influence her early on!” Satoru grins—but really, he was just happy to see Naomi wholeheartedly enjoying his gift, which she latched onto as soon as Naoya handed it to her.

“As if I’d let you do that.” Naoya says. “Maybe if you had good taste in anime…”

Ren laughs. “Can’t argue with that.”

“Ah, stop it all of you… it was a nice gift.” Eiichi would intervene, making Satoru pout and cry, before rushing over to hug him.

“Oh, thank you so much!” he’d dramatically gasp, tightly holding onto your father. “I knew someone would appreciate my efforts!”

Eiichi presses his lips together before sighing. He’s long come to understand that it was better to not fight it than to do so, because whenever your dad managed to push Satoru away, he’d always come back, and stronger too.

But even with this, Eiichi was happy to have his family back together, reunited and having a good time: the one thing he always wanted for Christmas.

Everyone would continue on opening the rest of the presents, that is, until Naomi began to feel tired as seen by the way her eyes slowly blinked, yawning every so often, before leaning her head onto Naoya’s chest, breathing softly until she finally fell asleep. 

At the sight everyone couldn’t help themselves from cooing, (albeit not too loud in fear of waking her up) as well as take it as a sign to call it a day; everyone had been up since early to get everything done, so it was only normal that they’d begin to feel a bit tired too, Naomi’s yawns were only there to make it more obvious.

“We can continue tomorrow.” Your father would say, referring to the left-over presents still underneath the tree. “It is kind of late.”

“And I still have to call Kanon.” Ren said, looking over to his clock—still a bit of time before she heads to sleep. “Think you can help me pick up, Hinata?”

“Yeah.” she nods, standing up.

“Let me help too.” You offer, standing up as well, he shakes his head.

“No, I’d rather not keep you away from Naomi.” He says. You frown, feeling as if you’ve barely done anything this year… “You can repay me tomorrow.”

“Alright, then.” you smile before sighing, looking over to Naoya carrying a deeply asleep Naomi. “Guess we’re off to bed.” 

“Goodnight Naomi-chan!” Hinata whispers with a grin.

“Goodnight, Y/N, Naoya.” Ren adds.

“Goodnight!” Satoru waves, you way back before making your way over to your dad.

“Goodnight, dad. See you tomorrow.” you say, hugging him. “Thank you for what you did for Naomi, even though she got a bit upset. I’m sure when she’s a bit older she’ll come to appreciate it better.”

“Thank you, pumpkin. And I didn’t mean to scare her.”

“I know, and she knows that too.”

Naoya and you would then head back to the living quarters and into Naomi’s room, the one your father had prepared as soon as your pregnancy was announced, just in case it was ever needed—it didn’t take long for you to decorate it either— to get her changed into her pajamas and into her crib, underneath the warm blankets alongside her favorite plushies, before leaning down to kiss her head and wishing her a goodnight.

Naomi doesn’t respond, outside of a deep sigh and those soft snores that always make your and Naoya’s heart squeeze with adoration whenever hearing them; evidence that she had a tiring, yet fun day.

And as both continue to admire her, a feeling comparable to nostalgia begins to settle in both your hearts, with you being the first one to acknowledge it. 

“Can you believe it?” you whisper, still looking at Naomi.

“What?” Naoya asks, leaning closer to you.

“That she's almost a year old.” You go on. “It’s been almost a year since she arrived in our lives… and now…”

“She can walk.” Naoya finishes. “... it almost feels… surreal, doesn’t it? I can still remember the day she was born like it was yesterday.”

As if it was only yesterday he was that lonely, sorrowful man seemingly destined to live out the same way the rest of his life… and now, he has a family.

“When did time go by so fast?” you ask.

“I don’t know.” He admits, taking your hands and intertwining it with his fingers. “I stopped caring after I met you.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” you chuckle, looking at him.

“What reason do I have to count days, when I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you?”

“Naoya…” you murmur, blushing. “I… I guess to keep important dates…. Or something.”

Naoya was glad that the moonlight coming through the window wasn’t strong enough to show how flustered he truly was.

Taking a deep breath, he now looks at you.

“I still can’t believe I got to meet you, fall in love with you, marry you and now… have a family with you.” he starts. “I got to experience something I never thought I would; and in a way, I still can’t wrap my head around it. There are still moments where I want to pinch myself to see if this is all a dream, if you can believe that; But when I see you and our daughter and I know it’s not my imagination; because you and Naomi are far more beautiful than anything I could’ve ever imagined.

And today… just reminded me of how lucky and grateful I am to have both of you in my life and to have spent another holiday with you.”

It wasn’t your or Naoya’s first Christmas together—not the first one you’ve spent with your dad, or the Zen’in for that matter.

But it was certainly the first one both had spent as a family, enough reason to make it as special as possible.

However, that wasn’t the only reason why you allowed Naoya to do whatever he wanted this year, or why you asked him to spend Christmas with your family. 

More than making this celebration special for Naomi… you intended to do it for him.

Even now, you could still hear it in Naoya’s words—the slightest hesitation that reveals he didn’t believe he’s received all these blessings; and not because he thought them incapable of occurring, but rather because…

He didn’t think himself deserving of them.

Naoya always foresaw that his life would continue on rather… uneventfully, going through the same vicious cycle of people that couldn’t really care less for him, or anything pertaining to him, and him believing the same of himself.

Until you’d come along—to show him that he too was deserving of love, and not only that, but that he was also capable of loving.

And creating something out of love.

A daughter, a baby girl: the biggest blessing he never thought he’d receive. One that while it saddened him to realize she’s growing up, he still couldn’t wait to see the kind of person she’d become, guide her to the greatness he just knows she’s destined to be, as well as be there in the moment she ever finds herself falling and catching her.

One that slowly began to teach him just how much love he was capable of harboring for others, as well as the limits he’ll go beyond just to ensure their happiness.

All the things he’s done, and will do for her, are nothing but the bare minimum; nothing but his way of protecting her, giving her a life vastly different from his so that she’d never have to suffer the same way he did.

But he knows that she will never go through the same things, because she has you as her mother.

And that is something he’ll never, ever be able to thank you enough for.

“I love you, Y/N.” Naoya would say. “And… Thank you for loving me. Enough to have a family with me.”

“Naoya… you never, ever have to doubt yourself deserving of this.” You say, gently placing your hands on each side of his face and resting your forehead against his. “You deserve all this, and more. You are a loving husband and the greatest father any child could ask for, and today you proved it—Even if you went a bit overboard with the presents.”

Naoya chuckles.

“Do you think we’re spoiling our daughter too much?” he asks.

“Undoubtedly. What are we even going to get her on her birthday?” you wonder.

“I can start with the moon.”

“Then I’ll see if I can get the stars.”

The two laugh together for a few moments before quieting down.

And in the silence of the night, their hearts reveal their deep feelings for one another.

“I love you, Naoya.” You begin, gently kissing his lips. “All that I want is the opportunity to spend this Christmas, and those to come, with you and our baby.”

“I love you too, Y/N.” He pecks your lips once more. “You two are the best thing that has ever happened in my life, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

“I know. Thank you for everything, Naoya…” you say, hugging him before gasping. “Oh! And merry Christmas! Can’t forget about that one, can I?”

Naoya chuckles as he pulls you into a tight hug, giving the top of your head a kiss before leaning down to rest the crook of your neck and melting against your warm embrace and scent.

It was his way to silently vow to never let you go; no matter what happens, no matter what is to come… He’ll never, ever let you, or his daughter, go.

Never.

A promise that would continue for the rest of his life underneath the wish of a prosperous holiday.

“Merry Christmas.” 

the two got emotional at the end 🥺 nnghhhhh Naoya just can't believe he's spending an actual christmas with his family, happily you know?? aaaaaaaaaaaa man, i really got it bad for him.

anyways, I originally intended to end this with Naoya gifting Y/N a house because he felt like Y/N and Naomi would be better away from the Zen'in clan... but then Y/N would just go on saying that it would be too much of a hassle because of his duties as the heir, and because she'll miss her friends there (we're going with the notion that the Zen'in aren't as big a*holes as they are, maybe because Naoya managed to scare control them)

Outside of that, for their fellow presents Y/N got Naoya an Asuka figure to fuel his anime tendencies; while he got her some things he saw her ponder about days prior, alongside some special edition gengar they both had to keep hidden from Naomi lol.

🥺 I hope you all enjoyed this little thing I wrote. I shall continue writing more things, request to be precise, before heading back to my main fic :>

Thank you so much for your support ❤️❤️❤️

[nakanotamu]

GOD okay, so. The Stardom Situation. I'm bored at work so I guess this is The Post. I was going to write my thoughts about the new stuff but then just summing everything up got so long and I never wrote that summary post I meant to so I think I'll make two posts instead. jk it's going to be three posts so here is the current situation post and my own personal thoughts about all this are here. Okay, so

Last year around April, then-Stardom president Harada takes Rossy off of booking and apparently stops listening to his advice. Harada sucked, he didn't get the appeal of pro wrestling, seemingly mostly trying to push it as advertising and going for things like their stupid NFT collab. He also pushes a schedule on the roster that isn't workable or healthy, leading to rampant injuries up and down the card. He stops listening to the roster - Giulia came out and said that Rossy's style of booking is to let the wrestlers start what stories they want to themselves, and then book what he thinks would be good from among that. But under Harada, matches just got booked out of the blue without even talking to the wrestlers about it. A particularly egregious example Giulia pointed out was when Ami challenged her for her title and she told her to earn a title shot. Then days later it's announced on twitter that Ami's title shot is coming up in two weeks. Giulia was vocal on twitter about it at the time, saying "What show are you watching?!" and I remember commenting a lot that it felt like Stardom was suddenly being booked by someone who wasn't even watching the shows. Beyond that even the matches themselves aren't being run by the wrestlers, with Giulia mentioning no one telling them what was in the boxes in the money ball match last year and the hazard that presented.

Now, some of this stuff may have been worked - like, I think probably Ami and Giulia knew they had a title match they were supposed to work up to, and the frustration isn't actually that Ami was given it before she "earned" it, but that they weren't given a chance to actually build the feud they were trying to. I think it's worth remembering during stuff like all this that in Japanese wrestling we get pretty much no pure "shoot" interviews or news like you'd get in America. None, like, for real please learn to understand that you shouldn't trust dirt sheets and that almost no one ever 100% shoots in puro. But that said, the interview Giulia gave about this stuff was pretty much the closest to shoot I had ever seen from a Japanese wrestler, short of, like, maybe when Ibushi came forward about what happened to him in New Japan.

On top of that, apparently from Harada on down, Bushiroad staff were incredibly dismissive of the wrestlers and largely ignored them, seemingly seeing themselves as the company and the actual roster as just, I don't even know, some disposable resource and not the entire reason any of them even had a job. Just very backwards thinking, that the real work is running the shows, but as long as you put a show on people will just come to see anybody. Which, lmao, well that didn't work.

This came out when Stardom had a holiday show that needed to be slightly rescheduled, its start time ended up being, iirc delayed by about two hours or something like that. Maybe not the biggest deal to us, but especially for a company trying to seem like a major player like Stardom, this was an extremely bad look. Roster members are extremely mad and start to come forward about not being told about anything like this even though it affects them and they have to be the public faces of it; Giulia even openly talks about trying to find out what had happened and getting completely brushed off by the staff member who had been in charge of arranging the venues. This incident was one of those things that seemingly got a huge reaction not just because it looked bad for the company but because it was the dam breaking. I'd suspected Stardom was having management issues and ended up being more right than I could have imagined.

Ultimately in November Harada is fired and they bring in a new president, Okada. (Not, not that one. Different Okada.) He's been booking since he came in at the start of December. Ultimately they didn't change the cards for the remaining Harada-booked shows or reschedule any of the shows that had already been announced at that point. This leads to Stardom's lowest show attendance ever, at an Osaka show that draws 114 people, thanks to running at 6pm on a Tuesday at a venue that while technically in Osaka could not realistically be reached in time by anyone trying to get there from Osaka proper after work. Rossy at this point is publicly disparaging Harada's choices and policies, and says the method of "just booking any available venue whenever you want and saying when the show is happening on social media can't continue".

It's still early into seeing how things are under Okada, but they seem better, not that better would take all that much. The overall sentiment seems to be, and I would agree, that the booking has already improved somewhat, with stories that are at least for now maybe a little too title-focused but do seem to have the wrestlers themselves more engaged. The schedule has also been a little bit lighter, not that Stardom was ever a particularly low-number-of-shows promotion, but less than last year. Bushiroad also said they would conduct a review of all Stardom staff members, including taking feedback from roster members and regular freelancers, though they wouldn't be able to publish any of the results of that publicly as it has to be dealt with by Bushiroad HR. So it seems like they're trying at least to turn things around, though too early to really say how it'll work out. That was the state of things up to last Sunday.

[phoenix-positivity]

22 april 2024 - have a feeling this will be venty

I have that feeling cause I just started dissociating as I opened this. Maybe I already did before. Am I forgetting why I wanted to make this post? It's getting harder to breathe? Why? What a strange feeling. Overwhelming. Fear in my arms again. Let me move my body around and come back to this. Maybe get a sour candy. Smell a scent stick.

It helped a bit. I have a little spiky ball and I grabbed a plushie to hug. The sour candy was nice. My head started hurting though. I'm still feeling triggered. I don't really know why.

I've not been able to write much on here cause I keep dissociating too much or feel too triggered. I don't remember what the last thing I wrote was..

It makes sense though. Even though I've been very lucky with lot's of rain and cloudy weather!! The plants still grow though, perhaps even more with all the water. Sometimes the rain makes them emit more scent. Like the earth itself will smell. I still don't know what the sources are for the scents that trigger me. It's likely a cocktail of many different things.

I find it hard to actually stand still and face the triggers instead of rushing and trying to get away faster. I've tried standing still and it just keeps building up and up and it makes me want to give up before it starts decreasing, though I did it today too and I focused really hard on grounding and it felt like I had at least taken the edge of. But yeah I am surely avoiding it, I guess I don't feel strong enough to bear the pain perhaps. Or well, it's normal to want to go away from pain. At least I still take my dog for walks and walk through the areas where the scents are bad.

I also said to my therapist last week I felt the trauma I wanted to process that session wasn't bad enough to warrant processing. She replied saying that if that were the case we could start the processing and if we discovered it was no big deal for me then I would be feeling fine and we could just do something else. Obviously it was a big deal for me. I did partly process some triggers during the EMDR as well.

It also makes sense because a big triggering holiday is coming up this week. I've been sensing it's approach for some weeks now. I will do exposure during it. Actually.. it might be good to process that in my next therapy session too. Let me look something up in my trauma diary.. (not the best idea, I admit)

I ended up reading the whole diary. It makes me see how far I have come in my healing. Comparing my current situation to back then. That is hopeful.

Someday, a future me will be reading these journal entries. And they will think what I think now: "wow, I've improved so much compared to the past"

Hope.

This is but a moment in time. A painful journey to travel.

On a brighter side. I purchased VIP tickets to go see a concert and get my album signed and meet the artists. This year is a good concert year for sure. Going to concerts by myself opens up a lot of fun experiences.

I have also been working on my sleeping schedule as much as I've been able to hold myself accountable. Which is why right now I need to turn off my pc and get into bed. I've purchased a white noise machine and I've been using multiple different sound options to fall asleep. It really does make me feel safer in bed. It's a noticeable difference.

I can do this. Being triggered might make it feel like the world is standing still but this is just another day among many. The sun will set and rise again.

Dissociation doesn't last forever. It comes and goes. I will feel fully grounded again. I wont feel this way forever. I wont get 'stuck in this setting'.

Even if my dreams wont be good I will wake up and get to experience a new day and my dreams can be forgotten again.

I can recharge in bed with my plushie. It's okay to feel scared. But there is no danger in bed. The music box will be there for a comforting melody. It will be okay.

[z-h-i-e]

It's My Slashy Valentine round-up time. Here's the three new stories I have gifted to specific individuals through the magic of MSV, but also, are out there in the world for all to enjoy.

The New Shadow: Chapter Two Saelon/Herumor

Thirst Fëanor/Melkor

Orchidelirium Finrod/Glorfindel

If you'd like to know more about each, like how each one came to be crafted and silly notes from me, keep reading:

First up: The New Shadow: Chapter Two

I like to pride myself in my swift turnaround times; this, to my knowledge, was the first submitted of anything for the exchange this year, written at the end of last year after a lot of consultation with things I hadn't read in over a decade. I still remember the picnic table I sat at when I would have read these bits of the histories, but I digress. Tolkien envisioned a sequel to The Lord of the Rings, but stopped after rougly the first chapter, when it came to his attention it would be dark--like, cults and dark lord summoning dark--and he shelved it.

Every good chapter deserves a second chapter.

This piece goes into exactly what it was that happened to the missing sailors, what Saelon was up to, who the heck is Herumor, and why Borlas would have been better off if he had stayed at home. If you're looking for fluff this Valentine's Day--this is not the fic you're looking for. But if hot post-murder sex in the same room as the corpse is your jam, this is it. (With thanks to AnnEllspethRaven for betaing during the holidays so that I could get this up by the first of the year.)

Ever watch The Last Drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs? If this fic was a film, it would be featured there. Probably. Actually, maybe not, most of those films have a lot of boobies and this does not have those because slash, but… anyhow. Remember that time I wrote the Werewelf!Finrod Choose Your Own Adventure, and people thought that was dark? It definitely has a friend now. And this is that friend. Which would sacrifice that fic to Sauron in a heartbeat if this new fic thought it would bring the dark lord back. All this to say, if you squick easy, keep scrolling, and if this is intriguing, then come on down to the murder shack today!

Next piece: Thirst

This pinch hit came in right after I had recovered enough from the one-two punch of covid and bronchitis to get back to upright and writing again. There were a couple of options, but the idea of putting Fëanor and Melkor together was too interesting not to try. The summary is a good explanation of what you'll find here.

An Elda and an Ainu walk into a bar…and eventually stroll out into the back alley for canoodling. No on-screen sex, just a lot of banter about what they're going to do (or not going to do) or did do later. Because these two are 0% shy about that discussion at the pub.

There's a barmaid OC in this one who I simply must invite to another fic in the future. I also have to give a shoutout to cílil, because my usual betas were all busy when I got this one finished, and I had to do that thing where you post in a beta channel on discord and then cross your fingers and try not to look back every five minutes and start to think you're just going to have to volley it out into the world with potential typos. Much appreciation on the beta read!

This selection reads a little like a couple of D&D adventurers at a bar, mainly because I used D&D generators to get the right feel for the place, so I guess they were two D&D adventurers in a way. And like so many D&D adventures I've DMed, two characters ended up in an alley for adult funsies (and yet, I didn't make these two roll for it; I was feeling generous).

Last but not least: Orchidelirium

This is not the fic I intended to write. There's actually the start of a much, much different Glorfindel/Finrod fic, where Finrod and Glorfindel fall in love right before Glorfindel heads back to Middle-earth, and then Finrod pines and worries in Valinor and lives on the couch in Angrod and Eldalótë's house. But that story ended up being this oversized plot bunny of far too many chapters, and then the other night when I was trying to figure out how to dig myself out of the rabbit hole I was in, Fila told me about orchidelirium, this historical mania over orchids that happened during the Victorian era. Jokingly, I started to freeform brainstorm ideas on how this would translate to Middle-earth, and who would be involved, and Orchidelirium was born, with a very different premise.

In this story, Finrod has been growing and selling orchids, and is the president of a fancy orchid society. Glorfindel shows up back in Valinor, and brings his collection of orchids along, which are basically his flower bebes. Promptly, Finrod steps in and tries to buy them all, ala Cruella Devil ("I simply MUST have those orchids!" And now imagine Finrod in a long, fabulous fur coat smoking a long cigarette--it's not that hard). Galadriel is the VOICE OF REASON (tm), Saeros is THE VILLAGE JERKFACE (tm), and cameos by a handful of others in a Fëanorian free fanfic (try saying that five times fast). Also, the best sex I've written in a while. It's two old elves with nothing to lose, and a business venture that would make that one Fëanorian in the middle jealous, guided by AnnEllspethRaven's ability to beta and keep me from falling off the deck when writing ship lingo at the same time.

And behind every speedy writer, there's probably some cheerleaders, so the help from lferion, Ann, Fila, Smaug, and Red to keep me on task and motivated through what was the worst January in a long time helped immensely. <3

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

[toxic-potions-productions]

It’s finally time (Broken cycle au)

I’m too lazy to take screenshots, oof ----------------------------------------------------- (After sneaking away for a bit, Zoey & Sammy decided now was the perfect time to find & help 39.) *Knock knock knock*

Zoey: 39? You in there? It’s Zoey & Sammy. Is it alright if we come in?

39: Oh, sure.

(She opens the door & they walk into her room only to see 39 sitting on the bed.)

Sammy: Hey, you.

Zoey: Merry Christmas, buddy!

39: .....Yeah. All the same to you, I guess.

Zoey: ............ *Sighs* I think it’s about time I ask you something. You won’t tell Sammy, so I know you can trust me. ......What happened to make you hate this holiday so much?

39: !!!!........Um....well......

S & Z: ?

39: ........It actually started in my human life. I don’t remember it well, but I remember snapping & kicking the snot out of an old bully of mine. After that, I realized that if I don’t want that happening again, I’d have to make myself seem more standoffish & tough so I wouldn’t get harassed again. & while I made myself a hard shell for protection, I think it just made me unlikable in the process.

S & Z: !!

39: Everyone would avoid me, be scared of me, & not even acknowledge me. Especially during this time of year. So, that’s the reason why I hate Christmas so much. It’s because no one liked me enough.

Zoey: .............I like you.

39: !!!!

Sammy: Yeah. I do, too.

39: !!!!!!!!!

Zoey: .......Here. I should give you this before I forget. (She hands him a note she wrote out earlier. He carefully takes it & begins to read it.) “Hey, 39. Plushie told me about you being so prickly during this time of year, so I decided to help you see the beauty about this holiday! Asking you to move in after you got kicked out of the studio was the best decision I ever made. You & Sammy seem to get along so well, & that makes me so happy. I’m really glad we’re friends. Even though you might not like this holiday, you still deserve to be surrounded by lots of amazing people. Since no one should be alone at Christmas. Thank you for all the amazing things you’ve done for me & Sammy. I’m really grateful for all of it. Merry Christmas, 39! -Zoey“

(After a few seconds of silence, 39 starts to tremble & tears well up in his eyes. But, they were happy tears.)

Sammy: !!!.......Heh.

Zoey: Awwww, 39! Did you get emotional?

39: !!!!! N-no! I’m just cold & I got something in my eye. *Rubs eyes* Hmmm. ...........Thanks, guys. *Hugs them both* You two are the best.

Sammy: Anytime, buddy.

Zoey: *Rubs his back* I’m glad you like it. But, we’re not done yet. We have one last little surprise. *Takes his hand & lifts him off the bed*

39: ?

Zoey: *Takes her Santa hat off & puts it on him*

Sammy: Heh. I still think you look adorable in that hat.

Zoey: Sure do. Come on. (After heading back downstairs.)

Zoey: ......Y’know, 39, if you just stop & take a sec to realize that people DO like you for who you are, you might enjoy this holiday alot more then you think.

Sammy: Exactly. You have some “Old friends” waiting for you in the bay.

(They make their way in.)

Plushie, noticing them: !!!!! Hey, guys! 39 finally came down!!

Chikeisha: There you are, dude!

Bloobear: Hi, 39! I get the feeling you’re gonna love what I got you.

Dave: Where have you been? I wanna show you something cool!

Plushie: C’mon, mate! *Runs off to everyone else*

39: !!!!!!!!!!!!!............

Sammy: *Smiling*

Zoey: Heh. Still wanna shit on this holiday?

39: .................... *Smiles* You know what? You’re right. Maybe this holiday isn’t so bad after all!

Zoey: (Hehehe! My plan worked! >w<)

Sammy: Well, I’m glad we could help you. Josie’s gonna be really happy to know Zoey’s plan worked.

Zoey: She sure is! Anyways, shall we?

Sammy: Yes, we shall.

39: Yep!

(& just like that, the Grinch with bunny ears finally realized how amazing this day was. Zoey couldn’t have been any prouder.) -----------------------------------------------------

Merry Christmas, one & all!

@cheechdog1

[joeonmusic]

The stories behind the songs on my new EP out on 3rd January

I don't send postcards anymore when I go on holiday. I used to before I could WhatsApp every vaguely interesting thing I see to the person most likely to appreciate it, but I like the thought that people showed they cared by sending them even when the cards frequently arrived after they'd got home.

With these songs, I'm sharing stories about places I've discovered with listeners who I hope will find them interesting, even though I haven't been there in person. I want to take my listeners on a journey in a "wish you were here" kind of way, giving them a snapshot, so they can read more about it if they want.

First up on the EP is Skeleton Lake, which was the newest song on the EP, written in September and released on soundcloud as a demo on Halloween to give people a taster of my new stuff while I was waiting for it to be mixed properly. I read about Roopkund Lake in the Himalayas and was immediately fascinated by the mystery surrounding it. There's something about that part of the world and the mixture of the spiritual and the danger of those imposing mountains that really captures my imagination, so this rather grizzly end that so many people found on the shores of a lake 5,000 meters above sea level grabbed me as pretty amazing to look into (from afar). The story's put onto a riff-laden Bowie-esque guitar song with a bit of swagger. I kept it fairly simple on this one, but with hooks that I hope will draw in lovers of retro-ish rock.

Track two (meandering Lights) was originally going to be the lead track. The riff is recycled from one I wrote and played in my last band in Russia about 20 years ago. It sounds very different now to how it did then and and I re-wrote the lyrics to give it a more interesting story. This time we're off for an extra-terrestrial encounter with J Allen Hynek, the debunker turned UFO encounter classifier, after whose work close encounters of the 3rd kind was named (he even made an appearance in the film). This is the most musically unusual track on the EP with some samples, keyboard parts and guitars heavily laden with effects. I wanted to create something that felt other-worldly, as well as telling the story of Hynek's conversion into believing the stories told to him by expert witnesses of craft that couldn't be created by human technology of the time.

Track three takes us to Bangkok for a bit of retail therapy, no wait... what's happened to the shopping mall? Catfish rule the mall is a song about nature reclaiming a very unlikely place. A dispute led to an arson attack on a shopping mall, which was then abandoned roofless and filled up with rain during the monsoon season. All this water meant it became an attractive place for mosquitos, which didn't sit well with the locals, who put various types of fish into the water to eat the larvae and control their numbers. These fish found it an ideal place to live and thrived there, swelling in numbers until anyone going in would be amazed at the numbers of fish in the water. Musically, this song features a descending riff in the verses over a 6/8 rhythm and overlaid layers of guitars and keyboards that are supposed to create a slightly underwater feel. The chorus features some of my favourite slightly odd chords, like B♭dim7 and C#m7(♭5) and the song ends with a coda that gets more frenzied and deranged - it was the last part that I came up with on the song and probably my favourite bit.

The fourth place to (not actually) visit is Utopia, which despite being a very common concept all over the world has never actually been created anywhere, as I say in the song. I guess dystopia is a lot easier to imagine and agree on what it is, which could be why we always seem to be living somewhere closer to that even though you'd think we'd want to avoid it. Thomas More came up with his original version of Utopia in the sixteenth century and many others have created their own literary versions. I'm sure we all dream of living somewhere peaceful, with more equity and fairness, but we're stuck in a system that is very resistant to any such changes. I wish I could send you a postcard from Utopia and invite you all to join me there, but it's not happening any time soon. This is a slightly more standard indie-sounding song and has been compared to blur in how it sounds (although that could mean anything with their eclectic back catalogue in my opinion).

The final journey takes us to the gates of hell, and it stinks. A dirty bluesy (mixed with low-fi American alt-rock slightly reminiscent of Pavement) song tells how Soviet scientists drilled into the desert in Turkmenistan and accidentally opened up a massive fiery sinkhole. The Darvaza Crater, as it is now known, has been burning for about 50 years and you can smell it before you see it, hence the name of the song, Darvaza Stench! Again, my favourite part is probably the coda when I let rip with some frenetic guitar work and what seems like a sedate menacing song bursts into fiery strumming and smashing cymbals.

I hope you enjoy listening to this EP as much as I enjoyed creating it and will consider buying a copy on Bandcamp. https://joepeacock.bandcamp.com/album/postcards-from-places-ill-never-go-to

If not, then please at least check it out on Spotify if that's where you listen: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/joepeacock/postcards-from-places-ill-never-go-to

[memorylang]

Move-In, Faithful Reunions | #63 | October 2022

In this entry, I pick up from October 2O22’s end, from what was the start of my new Peace Corps assignment to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. Chronologically, I pick up from what would be my second weekend back in Mongolia. (I am especially grateful to St. Joseph’s Day, Mar. 19, 2O23, during which I made serious progress on this piece while a dear friend was simultaneously taking care of tasks.) 

Coincidentally, this marks my sixth October 2O22 story. I first set the record of six blog stories in a month when evacuating Mongolia in February 2O2O. So it’s a fitting count. Alright, for one last time, back to October 2O22! 

Move-In Day (Redux) 

Saturday, Oct. 29, 2O22, I awoke in the Holiday Inn Ulaanbaatar for my last time in a while. It’d been a nice stay. 

I took my last shower, using a new soap and shampoo, since house cleaning had taken my others the other day. I donned again the silver дээл /dehl/ I’d worn for the flight to Mongolia. It was the same from my host family at Наадам 2OI9, for Peace Corps Mongolia Swear-In that August. 

This day would be Moving Day. Prior to that morning, I’d already met two of my main three new counterparts. So I felt less anxiety than otherwise thinking I’d meet someone new. 

As part of moving preparations, I’d also labeled in marker over masking tape my belongings, as in the good ol’ days of Pre-Service Training (PST). That said, this morning I wanted to change the color in which I wrote my name. So before I headed to breakfast, I went back upstairs to the conference meeting space for a blue marker then rewrote. The blue-over-red look of the labels reminded me of the hair color of the protagonist Alear of the upcoming Fire Emblem game, formally announced before I left for Mongolia. Well, anyway, at least my name was in a more fortunate color now. 

Departure

Parting from the other Peace Corps folks felt bittersweet. They were eagerly preparing to move to the cluster sites where their training would continue. They met for the first time teachers with whom they would be training. Ken, my bus-mate from our Seattle staging trip, showed me a cool way to lace together belongings to carry better. 

M3O Eric and I on the other hand would proceed straight to our new assignments. I shared an elevator with him and his new counterpart from a famous non-governmental organization. Still, our role was special, too. The M3I Trainees encouraged me with this. 

With preparations complete, and alongside my new counterpart Nyamka, the foreign language specialist, she and I loaded my belongings into a taxi outside the hotel. Then we crossed town. I was off to my new home. 

Arrival

I felt pleasantly surprised to find when we arrived at my new apartment that I would have an elevator in this one. Back in Erdenet, I lived on the fifth floor of an apartment without one. And hauling every one of my belongings from America and from Peace Corps Mongolia up those stairs was a mighty challenge. So having an elevator here in UB was nice. 

I had a sort of welcoming crew present at my move-in. There was my landlady, I believe her husband with a friend, their daughter (not so far from my age, I think), plus the real-estate agent, who gave me a business card, too. I’d heard real estate in UB takes an agent, so I guess good ones always hustle. 

Back in Erdenet, my Host Country Agency—the university—owned my apartment. So I never actually saw a landlord. Everything was handled by my school. So, actually interacting with the people involved was new to me. Thankfully, I’d still retained enough Mongolian language from three years ago that I could communicate partially with my landlady and the agent. 

Apartment

For the next few hours, my counterpart and I with my Mongolian-speaking landlady signed copy after copy of form after form. In between my counterpart and her talking, I walked around the apartment photographing how things were, as was the daughter and the agent. Everyone would have the same records. 

Before I left, my landlady encouraged her daughter to practice English with me. So resumed the norm of parent-aged locals encouraging their children to practice with me. My landlady asked if I would need a TV and a vacuum. Unfortunately, I was too kind at that time and said they wouldn’t likely be necessary. (I didn’t usually watch TV, and I had a broom and dustpan.) Later, I recalled the words of my M29 predecessor trainer who’d told me whenever offered something to say yes. 

I did find out however that I would need Wi-Fi for the apartment. Thankfully my counterpart’s husband (“hubby”) does internet installations. She also said they had a spare TV if I wanted one. (I remembered I could use one as a spare monitor.) So, I felt relieved to know these would be accounted for. 

Erdenet Connections

The night before, Friday, I had mentioned how I thought I would have been recognized in UB eventually. Well, God must have heard.

After moving into my apartment, Saturday, my colleague Nyamka was taking me to the nearby Emart store so I could stock my place. That’s when we passed a building advertising preparation for the IELTS (International English Language Testing System) test. We were rounding the corner when from somewhere behind me I heard, "Даниел /Daniel/." Then I heard it again.

Surprised, I turned around to find the source. A woman was sitting at a bench we passed and got up, approaching. With her was a tall young man, and within moments I connected the voices with the faces. Beaming, she asked if I remembered them. Of course I did!

We embraced with a hug. They were parishioners from the parish I attended in Erdenet nearly three years ago, I explained to my colleague. The son was far taller than I remembered and his English smoother, too! They were in UB this weekend for his IELTS test. I felt touched to have heard his mom describe me as having been his teacher. My colleague and I explained how I'm working here with the Metropolitan Education Department now.

My friends asked when I may visit Erdenet, and I admitted it depended on my workload. Still, I would message when I’m coming. My colleague and I were nonetheless short on time, so we soon bid my friends farewell. Before we left however, I wished them the best and let them know how much I missed them. The encounter felt like a joyful yet bittersweet animé encounter. 

Soon after, my counterpart and I continued onto the mart. As we walked, I shared more with her about how I knew them and their hospitality. It was a lovely experience. I recounted how when I was especially ill that October three years ago, the mother had bought me food. We would eat together. I saw them one last time when I was evacuating in 2O2O. 

And at the store, my counterpart was recognized at the store by who was apparently one of her coworkers at the education department. I’d realize that running into local teachers too is common for my counterpart. That’s the life of the foreign language specialist. 

Meanwhile, by the time I got home, I was happy to read too that the M3Is were enjoying their Pre-Service Training (PST) apartments. I hoped they’d transition well into service. Ultimately they could be staying in places like mine! 

I later recounted an abridged version of the Erdenet ecounter for the Friends of Mongolia’s newsletter, Jan. 8, 2O23. By then, I’d also add,

“In the capital, I encounter former students who’ve grown into young adults working and studying here. Some have participated in my new community projects, and at least one became a new community counterpart. As I navigate the city, I also find myself stumbling into buildings I recall having entered only once or twice as a Peace Corps Volunteer before. I find myself buying foods I remember my host family fed me from Darkhan during my first summer in this Land of the Eternal Blue Sky. I celebrate the simple reminders that I once lived in this country. I’m truly back. I hope the many who’ve come anew will experience the love and joy I have known so often, back now.”

Hello and Farewell

Another community member I knew from Erdenet was both the first to visit me when I moved there and one of the final people to say goodbye when I had to go. (In fact, I’d even given him my ol’ nametag when I left.) He insisted on being the first to welcome me to my new apartment here in UB. So, the now ‘young man’ Saka honored our tradition and showed up before the night's end. 

When Saka arrived, I offered him water as I'd offered my Mongolian counterpart earlier. (I didn’t have much yet to offer back then.) Saka didn’t seem so much taller, though perhaps he was some. He mused about how he was 16 when we met and was 19 now. I’d similarly commented on how I was 25 now and 22 then. His braces were off, I noticed! 

We caught up on life. Saka was someone known for playing basketball. I felt surprised to hear that he hadn’t gotten to practice his English much in the years since Peace Corps had to leave. Apparently he hadn’t had so many opportunities here at the university in UB. 

Saka also commented on how I've a modern дээл /dehl/, my silver one. My host family has good taste! I recounted how my host mom had messaged me from the countryside that day her welcome for me to visit. Indeed, I hoped to. 

Enthused by our reunion, I wondered when I may next see again the rest of our friends. 

Mending Mental Connections

While unpacking in my apartment, that night I’d found that the Pietà (Michelangelo) figure that crossed the world with me had part of the base shattered. While somewhat upsetting, it wasn’t so upsetting. I procured the super glue I still had from when my “Violet Evergarden” frame had broken during my stay with the Franciscans in Singapore spring 2O22. As I began mending the base, I noticed at least one shard remained missing. 

I considered the True Cross, its relic we venerated with the St. Padre Pio relics tour in Vegas not long before my journey to Southeast Asia. I supposed that perhaps I wouldn’t find that missing shard, but that was OK. The parts I found, I’d resecured to the piece, and it was as whole as it would be. 

I was also able to display my “Violet Evergarden” picture, too. I placed it alongside the other pictures I had brought with me through Malaysia and Singapore. Now they could keep me company during my time back in Mongolia. I placed too a newer Peace Corps poster I’d drawn during staging in Seattle. I had come full circle. 

All a Dew Drop

By the next morning, Sunday, Oct. 3O, 2O22, snow had fallen in UB! I remembered how snow had fallen in Mongolia when we left. Now it was here in our return. 

I enjoyed the snow as I walked down the streets from my apartment past the Chinese Embassy and familiar National University of Mongolia dorms where I stayed years ago. I never would have guessed these would be my neighborhood now. I was returning for my second Sunday to St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic Church, having discovered that it was indeed my nearest parish after all. 

I felt immediately touched by a reading from the Book of Wisdom 11:22, “the whole world before You is like a speck that tips the scales, and like a drop of morning dew that falls on the ground.” I remembered it was the favorite passage of Fr. Bernard, my pastor in Erdenet. It reminded me that we are all small in comparison with yet so immensely loved by God. I missed our community. At least, they knew I was thinking of them. Two had seen me Saturday, and I’d texted our chat. 

I also felt moved by the Gospel reading, about Zacchaeus. That was a Biblical character whose call by Christ featured prominently in the Jesuit discernment retreat in which I participated this past July 2O22. I was going deeper with my interests in international service at that time. Coincidentally too, the journal in which I was writing here in Mongolia was the same that I had taken on that retreat. 

Brian Hogan

After Mass, I headed to the church of the friend Bayra I’d first met in Erdenet during Tsagaan Sar 2O2O. Turns out since she had come up to Erdenet from UB at that time, I was now in UB not far from where she actually served. I found out there that she and her husband were actually the pastors there! Their associate pastor also lived very near to my apartment’s area. 

When I was locked down in Erdenet, I read, "There's a Sheep in My Bathtub," as recommended by an anthropologist. Then by Tsagaan Sar of that year, I was celebrating alongside a family shown in Brian's story, that of Bayra’s. 

Well, I arrived at the building and found myself instead in a coffee shop. Brian was there speaking, so I wondered whether I was in the right place. But then we went upstairs not long after. I was touched too to have been spoken of! I felt treated as though like an honored guest. I sat right up front and listened with joy. 

All Comes Together

I enjoyed hearing Bayra playfully translate for Brian as he told stories of faith. I felt like an ol’ friend to some degree. Indeed, I knew Bayra from my last week in my Erdenet home and now from my first week at my new UB home.

And as Brian recounted how people tried to discourage him by telling him, “nothing can start in Erdenet and spread to the rest of the country,” I remembered my own Peace Corps service having started in Erdenet and resumed with the rest of the country. This encouraged me, knowing how decades later that story continues. 

Afterward, Brian shared with the youths more stories to encourage them. Of course, as a Peace Corps Volunteer, I wouldn’t be working with religious organizations. Still, I felt grateful to at least get to experience the graces of the community. I even reunited with Boloroo, another woman I'd met amid my final days in Erdenet. The UB community welcomed me to visit them again any time. 

First Day at Work

The next morning, Monday, Oct. 3I, would mark my first day of work. It would also mark the start of Allhallowtide and that spooky holiday popular to Western folks, Hallowe’en. I felt renewed by the delightful encounters tangibly tying back to my final days in Mongolia, in Erdenet. Now, those memories would accompany me into my new UB role. And so, my next directives would be to continue to restore my Mongolian language skills and to get acquainted with the people I would serve through my next year in English education and community development. 

You can read more from me here at memoryLang.Tumblr.com :)

[zhifiri]

Semester 7! (and many other things that happened)

Can't believe I leave tumblr for three semesters! Still remembers the last time I wrote on this page was during the fourth semester, now I'm in my final year of uni!

So, three semesters have passed...

What was happening back then?

Well, I must say, a lot! A lot of things were happening back then.

I had my undergraduate thesis proposal seminar in May. Not a very exciting experience but still, my proposal was accepted! It wasn't tough to work on my proposal because my lecturer was setting a target each week so I must work on that regularly. I was (and am) pretty satisfied with my thesis, I brought up an excellent topic about Marxism! What a challenge for someone who never gives a damn about economics! But well, I wrote it as a tribute to my people, the working class, cheers!

Then I delayed my proposal progress because I went to KKN (as a requirement to graduate) in my hometown, Pekalongan. To summarize, KKN was pretty fun. Met many new people from different majors and cities, lived together for nearly two months with those people and got into a bit of drama (what's life without drama anyway!) Creating a bond with the locals has never been so fun. I had the chance to connect and help the people with their needs, the kids were also lovely, I made a friend with this one kid named Reza, how I miss him :(

Those were the two major events that happened while I'm away from tumblr (accidentally excluding the Bali holiday just because it deserves a special tribute, later) and I'm excited to be back!

After leaving my thesis dying for almost three months, I finally started to work on my thesis in September. And I moved to Jogja again! For the sake of my thesis, I moved to Jogja in September because I need the resources and the focus to work on this. I thought that working on my thesis at home is hard because there are a lot of distractions that slow me down.

Moving to Jogja added pressure on me, in a good way, because I don't really have anything else to do but work on my thesis. Seeing my friends also work on their thesis also motivates me (and makes me jealous), and as a result, I work harder on mine. And Jogja is always a home to me so I really love my life in Jogja<3

So how do I feel about skripsi (thesis)??

Mixed feelings, honestly. I am excited to graduate yet sad to think that I only come back to uni again just to leave it :( Really, the pandemic sucks. I waste my two years of uni for NOTHING :(

I always had the fear of skripsi in my mind even before I started working on it, and I guess that mindset really influences me in now. Sometimes I feel burdened by skripsi but other times I enjoy myself doing skripsi. I am trying hard to have discipline in doing my skripsi, I try to make a progress every single day.

Thinking about it, I realize that doing skripsi is actually not that hard if you're not taking it as a burden. I'm working on implementing the mentality that, skripsi is just like the other papers I've done throughout my uni years, what's the difference? The only difference is that I put more effort to skripsi because it is my final masterpiece, the result of my four years of studying. I really wish this skripsi of mine really turns out to be my masterpiece of mind.

Please wish me much much much good luck, I hope I can graduate next semester. Ciao!

[anniviech]

‘Tis the Season

Characters: Donna Noble, Wilfred Mott, Shaun Temple Rating: G Summary: {"And then sometimes I see this look on her face, like she's so sad, but she can't remember why." - Wilfred, The End of Time.} Sometimes even the most ordinary of everyday occurrences throw Donna Noble off balance. [AO3]

"Excuse me? Ma'am?"

Donna blinked, looking at the cashier in front of her in momentary confusion. "Sorry, what was that?"

"Will that be all?" the cashier asked, obviously repeating herself.

"Oh. Yes, thank you," the redhead replied absentmindedly with a weak smile.

Right. She'd been buying a bottle of wine on the occasion of her six month anniversary with Shaun, deciding to treat them to a finer wine than their budget usually allowed, before apparently spacing out again while listening to the faint Christmas music playing in the background.

Getting her wallet out, she paid for the wine and made to leave the shop, trying not not to feel too awkward about the incident as she fished the car keys out of her jacket pocket.

Last night's dream must've caught up with her again. She'd already been a bit lost in thought when entering the shop, the day overshadowed by the brooding and hollow feeling the vague images from it had left her with. (Something about a wedding dress made out of spiderweb, before losing something?)

So Donna Noble once again found herself thrown off balance by a dream she couldn't even really recall – how stupid was that?

And if it wasn't by some strange, vague dream of things she couldn't quite put her finger on after waking, then she'd react to something she'd hear in passing on the telly or radio, or an unassuming sight catching her eye, spacing out and making her feel things she couldn't explain. Fear. Sadness. Loss. Mostly loss, spotlighting a gaping hole inside her soul that nothing seemed to be able to fill, and smothering the fiery attitude people liked to tell her she had in its wake.

It was ridiculous sometimes, really.

Like seriously, who tore up over the sight of a silly old Police Box standing on the side of a street? She'd never forget the embarrassment from the moment she'd spotted one of those after existing the tube station on Earl's Court during an errand for her temping agency, unable to take her mum's car that day; when for some barmy reason she'd been mesmerised by the sight of the tall blue box, finding her feet taking her towards it and her shaking hand reaching out for the door – just to find it locked, of course, and bursting into tears after she'd tried knocking on it, a wave of unimaginable loss crashing over her and threatening to swallow her whole when no reaction had come and the door remained closed.

In the middle of the flipping street! With dozens of people giving her funny looks.

Just thinking back to it made her head throb in a reminder of the splitting headache that had accompanied her for the remainder of the day back then, as if the embarrassment hadn't already been bad enough. (Why the idea to knock on the thing had even crossed her mind in the first place was forever going to be a mystery to her.)

Things had seemed to get better for a while, especially after meeting Shaun, but lately Donna found those odd little moments increasingly occurring again.

Maybe it was the season. A lack of sunlight and more sleep - and thus more chances to dream - due to the shorter days, or something along those lines? Silly how a season that was supposed to create a joyful atmosphere made her melancholic, without any apparent reason.

Getting into the car, she decided to push those thoughts aside and made her way home. A nice hot bath and a cup of that calming tea Mum had given her ought to relax her again; there'd be plenty of time for that before Shaun came home from work.

Entering their small two-room flat, Donna turned on the lights in the living room and placed her handbag and a bag containing some groceries and the wine on the couch, before making her way to the bathroom where she turned on the tap to run a bath and the heating up. Once that was taken care of, she got the grocery bag and took it to the tiny kitchen, putting most of the contents into the fridge, before finally preparing a mug with the desired tea. But as soon as she turned the kettle on, the kitchen went dark, with the sound of the fridge turning off.

Great. Looked like she'd tripped a fuse.

They'd already tripped one not too long ago, after some of their neighbours had put up holiday lights in their windows and likely on trees inside. Looked like the old building they lived in couldn't quite handle the additional strain of the Christmas spirit - something they seemed to have in common, she thought wryly.

Heaving a great sigh, feeling her mood spiralling further downwards, Donna turned the water in the bathroom off before going to the fuse box in the narrow hallway. But once she'd opened the small panel in the wall covering it, she found herself at a loss. Last time Shaun had taken care of it, so she'd never before looked inside the fuse box herself until now, not having any reason to. Which was why she now found herself at a loss as she stared numbly at an unlabelled row of round knobs instead of the tiny switches she had been expecting.

What the hell was she supposed to do with those?

Flicking switches that were on the opposite direction of the other ones was easy enough, but this? She couldn't see any real difference in the knobs, so she couldn't even tell which was the wonky one – and even if she knew, what would she do with it, anyway?

She cautiously tried pulling one of the knobs, but it wouldn't move. Trying to curb rising frustration, she tried pulling at another one, but it it didn't move either. Nor could she press them in, or anything.

Letting her hand fall back down, Donna let out a hollow scoff.

Here she was, not even able to check a fuse.

She had to do something about it, though, because the food in the freezer might start to defreeze before Shaun came home, and then they'd have to throw it away, and they couldn't really afford such a waste with Christmas coming up. And wouldn't that make a lovely anniversary gift.

Swallowing down her pride, Donna went to get her phone out of her handbag, looking through the contacts until she found the number she was looking for.

"Donna! How are you, love?"

"Hey Gramps."

Something in her voice seemed to give her away, because Gramps’ own voice instantly went from joyful to worried.

"Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, just... A stupid fuse at home went off, and I can't seem to fix the bloody thing. I mean, it's not the usual kind, so I don't know what to do with it. And I can't leave it like that until Shaun returns, because the fridge and freezer are without power, and today of all days I really can't afford that. I just–"

A sob cut her off, surprising herself, and she covered her mouth with her free hand as she felt a new load of emotions overcome her.

"Donna, slow down, love, it's all right."

"No it's not all right, Gramps," she retorted in a wobbly voice, feeling an overwhelming urge to let it all out, her mouth running ahead of her. "We can barely afford planning on any presents this year because I can't find a proper job, and the one time I decide to indulge a little to celebrate our anniversary and to cheer myself up because I had a bad day, this happens. And it just–" Cutting herself off to take a breath, she finally added more quietly, "I'm useless, Gramps."

"No, Donna, don't say that."

"I am. I can't even check a fuse. And it makes me angry, because I feel like I should be so past such a little thing, and I don't even understand why! I've never seen these things before, so why do I feel like it should not even be a problem at all, like I'm disappointing myself?!"

"Donna..."

"I don't even feel quite like myself anymore... Like, why is everything about the season making me sad now? There was this song on the radio in the shop today, you know, the one they play every year, what's it called again... 'Merry Xmas Everybody', I think. And I totally spaced out on it? Felt like I should be somewhere else, doing something else, like there should be... more than this. Why can't I be happy with what I have, Gramps?" she asked, voice wavering again. "I have Shaun. We have our own flat, and things are going so well between us – so why do I feel like I'm still missing something important...?"

"Oh sweetheart..."

Her granddad's voice sounded as hollow as she felt, and Donna felt instantly bad for bringing this up and bothering him with her problems.

After a second, he added quietly, "We have to do something about that..."

Frowning in confusion while wiping a tear away, Donna asked, "What do you mean?"

"Oh, just, you know..." Gramps replied, sounding like he hadn't meant to speak out loud, before trailing off into silence.

That happened often lately; he'd start saying something just to change his mind midway and change topics. Or she'd catch him giving her those long and odd looks. Maybe her mood swings had been more obvious than she'd thought.

"You shouldn't feel sad on Christmas," he finally said.

"I know, and I didn't mean to worry you, sorry. It was just a long day and I'm exhausted, my mood ran off with me. I just need that stupid fuse fixed, and then I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Well then, tell me what has you so mystified."

Donna went on to describe the fuse box to him, learning that it contained an old type of fuses, and agreed to pick Gramps up and have him show her how to fix it as they'd likely have to replace a blown one, kissing the idea of having a bath before Shaun came home goodbye.

By the time she arrived at her old home Donna felt a lot calmer, and she quickly picked her granddad up who'd been waiting basically ready to leave so they could cut down the time her mum had to nag. Once they replaced the fuse in her flat with one of several he'd kept at home, he stayed until Shaun arrived, talking with her over a cuppa and some telly, successfully keeping her mind off more brooding.

After driving Gramps back home while Shaun had gone for a quick shower and hugging him goodbye at the door, her granddad's hands lingered on her arms as he looked her over.

"Things are going to be fine, sweetheart."

"I know," she replied, not sure she really believed the sentiment but still appreciating his caring.

"We'll make it fine."

Donna smiled in reply, before getting back into the car. She gave her granddad a small wave from behind the window, watching him return the gesture, before driving off.

Maybe he had the right idea and she just had to make things fine.

She'd start by making sure she and Shaun had a great night celebrating their anniversary – and maybe consider some plans for their shared future.

[ghostdrew22]

hi ok sooooo i have asked numerous writers for this request because i thrive on angst and fluff 👁👄👁 so here goes: a love triangle between draco, harry, and a ravenclaw reader. the reader’s been known to be head over heels in love with draco and giving him origami hearts everyday for a year or two, which he only throws in his trash bin. he usually just ignores her and finds her gestures annoying and laughable. one day, he goes too far with his rebuttals. the reader, heartbroken and realizing she had no chance at all, stopped pursuing him altogether. for the next few weeks, he found himself weirded out that he hadn’t received any origami hearts. while emptying his trashbin, he discovers that when you unfold the hearts, there were little notes of encouragement and sweet letters. just as he was about to confront her, he notices the reader folding something on her table during class and thinking it was finally another origami heart for him. however, it was a butterfly, and she handed it to harry instead. Jajdjeioa PLS MAKE IT ANGSTY AND FLUFFY IT’S UP TO U ON HOW IT WILL END BUT WOULD BE CUTE IF HARRY MADE THE PAPER BUTTERFLY FLAP ITS WINGS THO

Ok sorry for the cliche and long request, take your time and stay safe. I enjoy your writing sm 🥺

Butterflies and Paper Hearts || D.M, H.P

Requested: Yes Pairing: Draco Malfoy x fem!reader , a bit of Harry Potter x reader but not really Warnings: ANGST, swearing, Summary: Draco doesn’t like you and tries to let you down multiple times, when it finally does work he feels regret wash over him.

WORDS : 3864

First of all, I’m so sorry for taking so long to get to this. I read the request when it first came in and I loved it but I’ve been struggling to conceptualize it, and then I fell into a bit of a sad spiral because of all the other stuff that’s been going on in my life, which is why I took me so long to complete it. Second of all, I had to amend the idea a bit to make it work for me, e.g I wrote this in an AU where Voldemort doesn’t exist because I hate mr. no-nose, and I didn’t make the hearts go on for years. Third of all, thank you so much for this request! It’s a lovely concept and I really enjoyed writing it <3

~~~

Butterflies.

Flying. Soaring. Alive.

The first time that Draco had ever noticed you was in your fourth year. You were sat at the Ravenclaw table and immersed in a discussion with Padma Patil, one that had you laughing so hard that you were throwing your head back and wiping tears from your eyes. The sight had knocked the wind out of his lungs, like someone had just punched him in the stomach, and he felt the weirdest sensation in his gut.

It was butterflies erupting.

~~~

The first time that you noticed Draco was in your fifth year. Ravenclaws and Slytherins were in Charms together, as usual, and you’d accidentally sat next to him instead of Padma.

“Dude, you’ll never guess what happened this morn-“ You stop speaking the second you notice that the person beside you is, in fact, not your best friend but rather a scowling Slytherin. “You’re not Padma.” You frown.

“No shit.” He rolls his eyes, “What gave it away? The green robes or the blond hair?”

“The snarky attitude.” You instantly reply and he looks taken aback for a second, “Who are you anyway?”

If you’d thought he looked shocked before, you were wrong. “Excuse me?”

“Who are you? What was so confusing about that sentence?” You raise your eyebrows, “Clearly not a Ravenclaw.”

He scoffs at your remark but answers anyway, “I’m Draco? Draco Malfoy?” He asks, a pretentious tone lacing his voice. “We’ve shared this lesson together since you got here last year?”

“Stalker much?” You ask with a smile and he rolls his eyes. “Anyway, nice to meet you Draco, I’m Y/N.”

“I know.” He replies simply as he takes the hand that you’d outstretched. “Some of us pay attention.”

“Mhmm.”

“So what happened this morning?”

“What?” You furrow your eyebrows in confusion.

“You were about to tell me about what happened this morning.”

“Oh.” You respond in embarrassment and watch as his smirk grows.

“What? Am I not worthy of your great story?”

“It’s not that, I just don’t think it’ll interest you.”

“Try me.”

“Right, what’s all this then?” Padma asks as she stops in front of the desk with a confused expression.

You giggle at her obvious confusion, “I accidentally sat here instead of by our normal spot. Do you know this miserable boy?”

“Better than I’d like to admit.” She responds sourly before turning a harsh gaze toward Draco, “Daddy’s boy.”

“Wench.” He responds and she rolls her eyes.

“Are you coming to sit with me?” Padma asks as she turns back to you and you shake your head.

“Maybe tomorrow, I’d like to sit here and annoy him today.”

“I cannot possibly stand in the way of that, you’re doing the whole grade a great service.” Padma replies with a laugh as she goes to sit a few desks away from you.

~~~

Day 1 - 1 Heart

Hearts.

Fragile things.

It’s the next Monday when you have Charms again, and you decide to sit by Draco’s desk in hopes of him coming to sit beside you.

“What on earth are you doing?” Draco asks as he peers over your shoulder before sitting in the chair beside you.

“Origami.” You respond with a smile and he raises an eyebrow toward you. “That thing where you fold pieces of paper into shapes?” You ask and he nods in understanding.

He takes his seat with a sigh, “Sounds boring.”

“Everything sounds boring to you.” You roll your eyes before finishing up the origami heart.

“True.”

You give it a once over and smile in satisfaction before turning to Draco and handing it out him. “Here.”

Hearts. Absurdly fragile things, Draco thinks as he feels his own heart begin to race. Here you are, nonchalantly handing him a piece of paper, and he feels like his entire world is collapsing in on itself at the gesture. Y/N, giving me a heart.

He rolls his eyes and takes the object from you with a scowl, “Why are you giving this to me?”

You shrug, “You’re not completely intolerable, you’ve earned it.”

He smirks, “Careful, people might start to think that you like me.”

You smile, “Maybe I do.”

Your smile reminds him of butterflies- bright, fluttering, inviting, warm, beautiful.

He rolls his eyes and makes a big show of tossing the origami heart into a nearby bin, and you fight to hide the hurt hidden behind your eyes. But what you don’t know is that at the end of the Charms lesson, once everyone else has left, Draco goes into that very same bin and pulls out the heart.

Day 20 - 20 Hearts

“Are you still doing this?” He asks in annoyance as you hand him another origami heart, the same way you have, every morning, for the last twenty days.

“Yup. I’ve got no reason to stop.” You shrug with a small smile.

“How about the fact that I think they’re stupid and I don’t like them?”

“You’re under the misconception that I care about your feelings.”

He chuckles and brings his face down to yours till you’re inches apart. “I think you care a lot more about my feelings than you’d like to admit.”

You swallow and look away from him, trying to avoid the warm feeling that’s creeping up your neck and settling into your skin. “You wish blondie.”

“Mhmm.” He replies absent-mindedly as he turns into the classroom, drops the heart into the nearest bin, and sits in his seat.

You try to look unbothered as you go to sit beside him, ignoring the disappointment that’s churning your insides.

Day 35 - 35 Hearts

You watch as Draco inspects the origami heart from the Slytherin table, hoping that he might open it this time.

“He’s going to break your heart, Y/N.” Padma whispers from her seat beside you in the Great Hall.

You shake your head and let your eyes drift away from the blond at the Slytherin table. “He wouldn’t do that, he’s a lot better than you think he is.”

“Y/N, I’ve known him a lot longer than you have and I know that this isn’t going to end well.”

“And why not?” You ask defensively.

Because you’re a muggle-born, Padma wants to say, but she knows that it isn’t her place to crush your dreams so harshly. She shakes her head instead and smiles sympathetically, “Nevermind, I’m sorry for overstepping.”

You don’t notice, too busy talking to Padma, that Draco tucks the little piece of paper into his robe with a small smile.

Day 50 - 50 Hearts

You don’t exactly know when you caught feelings for Draco, it’s like all the small moments just bunched up together, but you know that it wasn’t your intention. The hearts, the sitting together in charms, it had all just started as friendly gestures in an attempt to get the scowling boy to befriend you, but somewhere along the line things just got too messy.

And now, you’re utterly infatuated with him.

You take a deep breath as you pull out the small box from your bag containing Draco’s Christmas present. The train comes to a half at platform 9 and 3/4, and you quickly grab your belongings before rushing out of the train in order to catch the blond before he goes home for the holidays.

You catch him by the door and you smile at him. “I’ve got something for you.”

“Another paper heart?” He raises his eyebrows with a smirk and you shake your head.

“No, it’s something else actually.” You hand the box to him, wrapped in a mix of dark green and navy blue paper, and he accepts it with a skeptical glance.

“What is it?”

“A Christmas present.” You laugh and he nods sheepishly in acknowledgement.

“Oh.” He rubs the back of his neck, “I didn’t get you anything…”

“I didn’t want anything.” You smile again, “That’s not why I got you a gift.”

You watch as he nods again and looks out the window. “Then why did you get me the gift?”

“Cause we’re friends.” You shrug and he swallows.

If he were any other person then the erupting butterflies in his stomach would be an obvious sign to pull you closer and hug you till both your arms hurt. If you weren’t a muggle-born witch, and his parents weren’t watching him intently from outside the train, then this would be the moment that he seized to let your friendship blossom into more.

“We’re not friends.” He spits out coldly, and you’re taken aback by the sudden harsh tone.

“Okay…” You reply quietly, “Acquaintances?”

“For fuck sake…” He mumbles with a sigh, “Y/N, I don’t like you, at all. You’re annoying, you’re pushy, and worst of all, you’re a mudblood.”

Harsh words, words that taste of venomous denial, are running out of his mouth before he can stop them. The look of astonishment and sadness on your face has regret dancing on his tastebuds like the taste of tar, and he struggles to push that feeling down.

“You don’t mean that…” 

“I meant every word, and I can repeat it if that empty skull of yours didn’t catch it.”

You shake your head and look down at the ground, trying to blink away tears, and he nods as he turns to finally leave the train.

“Draco.” You choke out and he whips his head back angrily.

“What?”

“I forgot to give you this today.” You whisper as you hand him his origami heart and push your way past him toward the platform.

You feel sick, you feel sad, you feel disappointed. There’s a twisting and churning that’s going on in your stomach but it’s not like normal, it’s the opposite of what you’ve felt every time before.

It’s butterflies dying.

He watches you walk away as a lump forms in his throat.

Day 65 - 0 Hearts

Draco walks into charms half-expecting you to be sitting somewhere else, and half-hoping that you’re sitting in your usual seat beside him. He didn’t open the Christmas present, too much guilt weighing him down, and he hopes that you don’t give him any more paper hearts.

He feels an odd combination of anguish and comfort when he sees that you haven’t moved, and goes to sit beside you in silence. You turn to him and smile but say nothing to him, not then and not for the rest of the lesson. When you get up to leave he half-expects you to drop an origami heart on his books, and disappointment consumes when you don’t.

Day 75 - 0 Hearts

“Morning.” He mumbles as he finds a spot beside you, as usual.

“Morning.” You respond.

That’s all the conversation that you two have now. A part of you misses the way the two of you had been before, easy-going, sarcastic, in-sync, but an even bigger part of you understands why that had to be over. He could never allow himself to love someone like you without resentful undertones of disgust and shame, and you could never settle for someone who doesn’t love you regardless of your blood purity.

“Y/N…” Someone whines from ahead and you look up from your desk to find Harry stood in front of you.

You laugh at his childish behaviour, “Yes Harry?”

“Please help me with this assignment?”

“No.” You respond bluntly, just to mess with him, and he pouts at you.

“Please?” You shake your head, “Please?” You shake your head again and he pouts at you hopelessly, “Pleaseeee?” He begs once more and drags out his plea.

You laugh once again and nod, “Okay fine.”

“Thank you so much!” He exclaims excitedly and leans over the desk to hug you. You shake your head and giggle in his arms, and Draco has to look away to ignore the looming feeling of jealousy consuming him.

Day 103 - 1 Heart

“So, I know that we’re not friends or anything…” You start as you turn to Draco, “But Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and I can’t resist the urge to give you one more.”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion but feels realisation wash over him as you hand him an origami heart, one that’s bigger than all the rest you’ve given him in the past. He nods and takes it from you, trying to pretend as though his heart isn’t swelling at the gesture. “Thank you.” He responds curtly before the two of you revert back to silence.

It’s only when he’s alone in his dorm room that night that he actually looks at the origami heart. It’s red, and you’ve written his name across it in cursive. He runs his fingers along it and allows himself to unfurl it, feeling shocked to find words written inside it.

I know you never read these, so I’m probably wasting my time, but I wanted to say that I miss you.

Ridiculous right? I even feel stupid writing it. But it’s the truth, I do. I miss your smile, and your laugh. I miss the way you would scribble nonsense in my book to distract me from the lesson, and I miss the way you’d get so frustrated when I did the same. I miss the way you’d make fun of me for being a nerd, and try not to look proud when you outdid me in tests.

I miss your jokes too, even though they weren’t really funny, and the way you’d always forget your textbook so we were forced to share and we had an excuse to talk. I miss you a bunch, even though I know that you don’t miss me nearly as much.

Happy Valentine’s Day pretty boy,

I wish you could’ve loved me the way that I love you.

He quickly jumps off his bed and walks toward his trunk. He pulls out the Christmas gift that he never opened and another small box that he’d used to store all of your origami hearts, and begins to go through them all.

Note 1 - You’re weird but I like you. Very defensive, I hope that I can knock down those barriers. Note 2 - Your hair looked really nice today, made you look like a famous movie star who pays people to do it for him. Do you secretly have a hairdresser in your room? Note 3 - Your eyes are a strange colour, a cross between blue and grey, it reminds me of the sky before a really pretty rainstorm.

He opens every heart, from the first to the last, processing every last compliment that you’d ever written. With every word he reads, he feels a mixture of love and guilt wash over him simultaneously. Love for you- because you’re kind, and funny, and beautiful, and way too good for him- and guilt- for treating you so horribly because he was scared, when all he had wanted to do was kiss you, and hold your hand.

9 - I’m oddly very proud of you for beating me in the latest Charms assignment, you might actually be the bigger nerd between us both. 20 - I know you hate that I call you pretty boy but that’s what you are, you’re unnecessarily pretty! 26 - You’re very funny when you’re not trying to be. Your jokes are horrendous, but your impersonations and quips can be quite amusing. 35 - I’m starting to think that you don’t read these. No, I’m sure that you’re not reading these. Doesn’t matter though, there’s so many things that I love about you and I think I’ll explode if I don’t put them down somewhere. 47 - I’ve fallen very hard for you, it might be your dumb laugh or the way you tickle me whenever you walk into class, but I didn’t know that you could feel this much for a person. Damn you pretty boy. 50 - Padma thinks you’re no good for me, I agree, but I don’t care. I love you too much to give you up.

The last of the collection is the Christmas gift that you gave him. He’d refrained from opening it out of shame, feeling unworthy of a gift from you after being so cold to you that day on the train. He unwraps it and finds another paper heart, with a silver engraved ring above it. The words, ‘pretty boy’  are inscribed into the ring and he smiles at the sight, a few tears sliding down his face.

Pretty boys like you deserve a little more than paper hearts, I hope you like it.

He slips the ring on before getting off his bed, walking to his desk, and pulling out a piece of paper.

Day 104 - 1 Heart.

It’s Valentine’s Day and his palms are sweaty, for the first time in his life Draco has sweaty palms because of a girl.

You’re in your usual seat and you’re folding another piece of paper. His heart soars at the sight of you so focused, that goofy smile you always have whenever something demands a lot of your attention, and your hands working delicately against the edges of the paper. He stops in front of you.

He clears his throat and you look up at him, startled by the sudden interruption. “Oh, Draco, morning.” You respond with a small smile, obviously still apprehensive about him.

“Happy Valentine’s Day Y/N.” He smiles back and slides an origami heart onto the desk, beside the butterfly that you seem to have been folding.

“What’s this?” You ask in confusion as you pick it up and inspect it.

“You’ve made enough to be able to tell by now.” He deadpans and you laugh softly with a nod.

“It’s a paper heart.” You smile up at him, “Did you make this for me?”

“Maybe.” He responds curtly as he slides into his chair beside you, but you catch the shy smile he’s harboring.

“Thank you.” He nods, “I could’ve done better though.”

He scoffs, “That’s not a fair comparison.”

“And why not?” You raise your eyebrows and he chuckles as he rolls his eyes.

“Read the note inside and you’ll know why.”

“There’s a note inside?” You exclaim excitedly as you start to unfold the heart and he yanks it out of your hands.

“No! Read it later when I’m, like, far away from you.” He says defensively and you furrow your eyebrows but nod in agreement.

“Alright, I’ll read it after school.” You take it back from him and put it in your robe. You resume folding the butterfly and smile when you see that it’s done.

Draco watches intently as you finish it, expecting you to hand it to him once it’s finished, and furrows his eyebrows in confusion when you set it down and scan the classroom.

“Harry!” You exclaim as you watch him walk from the door and toward you with a bright smile.

“Y/N.” He responds once he’s standing in front of you. “Is this for me?” He asks once he sees the butterfly on your desk, and Draco is about to scoff at the question but you nod your head eagerly.

“Of course!” You pick it up and give it to Harry, watching excitedly as he opens it up and reads the note inside.

Draco watches in silent envy as Harry laughs, at whatever you’ve written in the note, and brings his lips down to your forehead. “Thank you so much butterfly, I love it.”

You smile proudly and your eyes light up as you watch Harry cast a charm to make the butterfly flap it’s wings and fly down to his desk. “When are you going to teach me that? I’ve been asking for weeks now!”

“If I taught you then I wouldn’t have anything to impress you with.” He smirks as he leaves to his desk and you shake your head with a laugh.

“You two seem to be quite friendly now…” Draco mumbles, trying to hide the jealousy in his voice. The butterflies that had been erupting in his stomach earlier that morning being trampled to death by Harry.

“Yeah, we’ve been-“ You cut yourself off with a gasp as you catch a glimpse of the ring that you bought Draco, “You’re wearing it!”

He smiles at your excitement, thinking about how such simple expressions from you leave butterflies fluttering in his stomach. “Yes.” He chuckles and you smile.

“I thought you didn’t like it.” You respond softly and he feels his heart break.

“No, not at all. I just didn’t want other people getting jealous.”

He smiles at you and you feel that familiar bubbling in your stomach, like rosh bushes blooming at the sight of the sun, but you can’t exactly pinpoint the feeling.

Later that day when you’re sat beneath a tree and reading Draco’s letter, you know exactly what that feeling is.

~~~

Y/N.

Beautiful, funny, kind, observant, utterly perfect Y/N.

I’ve spent the last three hours trying to come up with a reason for you to forgive me, I couldn’t come up with one. I also tried to find an excuse, any really, that could justify my horrid actions over the last few weeks, and I couldn’t find one. So instead, I settled on just telling you the truth.

I’m a coward.

You’re probably laughing right now and thinking, “He’s only realising this now?”, and the answer is yes. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but you’re the brighter one between us two. It took me 103 more days than you, to realise what you knew the first day you made me a paper heart; the two of us are meant to be.

That sounds a bit cheesy doesn’t it? Doesn’t matter anyway, because in note 12 you said that you enjoy my cheesy anecdotes. I’m not sure why though, I’m not particularly sure why you love anything about me when you’re you, but I guess some mysteries can never be solved.

I’m sorry for those words I said that day on the train, I didn’t mean them. I was scared of what my parents would think if I fell for a muggle-born witch, but I forgot one important thing; it doesn’t matter. All that matters is the fact that I’ve never been as happy as when I’m with you. If I could spend the rest of my life getting these perfect little paper hearts from you, listening to your sweet laugh, bothering you when you’re trying to get work done and buying you rings that match the ones on my hands, then I’d be over the moon.

I’m sorry for taking so long to tell you this; I love you Y/N. I know that I haven’t earned a second chance but if by some miracle you decide to grant me one then I promise to make it worth your while.

I would pick the stars out of the sky for you Y/N, if only you asked me to.

Happy Valentine’s Day from your pretty boy.

You look up from the letter and wipe the tears that had managed to escape, before getting off the grass and running back into the castle. When you find Draco eating dinner in the Great Hall, and see him flash you a shy smile, you instantly know what that feeling from earlier was.

It was butterflies reviving.

~~~

get added to my taglist <33

taglist : @purpleskymalfoy, @astoria-malfcy, @dreaming-about-fanfictions, @dracoscene

~~~

I’m pretty sure I completely deviated from what you wanted, I’m so sorry if it’s not satisfactory :( It’s so cheesy and I feel like I messed it up at a few points but either way I liked writing it, it made me very happy to finally write some Draco fluff again.

anyway, love you all,

jean <3

[lupiningwolves]

Not without him | Regulus Black x fem!reader

summary: Y/N Potter and Regulus Black...

warnings: character death, mentions of death, mentions of food, angst

—

Seven years ago, a little eleven year old girl walked through the Great Hall. The students from the four houses watched every move the first years made. But two boys were more curious about what was about to happen. Two best friends watched as their younger siblings walked behind Professor McGonagall.

„Are you nervous?“, asked the black haired boy that walked next to Y/N. She nodded nervous. He took her hand and smiled warmly at her. „It‘s gonna be alright.“

„Thank you“, she said. When McGonagall stopped before the teachers table, she announced what will happen. But Y/N already knew. Just one year ago, her brother wrote excitedly a letter to her, saying that he was put in Gryffindor and already made friends.

„Regulus Black“, McGonagall shouted. All eyes turned to the boy that slowly let go of the girls hand, smiled weakly at her and walked to the Sorting Hat.

He sat down and McGonagall was about to put it on his head. It just touched his black hair as it shouted: „Slytherin!“ The girl felt her heart sink for a moment. The Slytherin table cheered loudly while all the other tables stayed silent.

It felt like an eternity until her name was called. „Y/N Potter.“ She walked to the Professor and waited until the hat was on her head.

„Mhm, ah, alright ...“ She had never been more nervous in her life. „Let’s make it - Gryffindor!“ She smile bright and went to the Gryffindors that we’re more than happy to have the other Potter in their house.

„Y/N.“ Her brother smiled at her and hugged her.

„Jamesie“, she responded.

„I‘m so proud of you“, he muttered. He let her go again and faced his best friends. „Y/N, that’s Remus, Peter and Sirius.“

„Hi“, Peter said smiling and Remus waved at her. But Sirius said nothing.

The boys looked at him worried and talked to him about his brother being a Slytherin. The girl didn’t take part in the conversation, but sure listened to what they said.

And when she laid in her bed at her first night at Hogwarts, she decided to became friends with him. A friendship between a Gryffindor and Slytherin, especially a Potter and a Black, was difficult. But not impossible.

-

During her first year, Y/N slowly but steady became friends with Regulus. And by the start of second year, the two were inseparable.

„Regulus“, she beamed as she saw him at the Hogwarts Express. She wanted to go to him, but her brother held her back.

„Not now, Y/N. He‘ll come along. Just like Sirius will.“ She nodded sadly.

Sat alone in a compartment, she waited for him to come, just like he promised before holiday. But when the train started moving, she lost all hope.

With her head against the window, she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come over her. But nothing happened.

„Is here still a seat for me?“ Y/N smiled as she heard the voice and looked to the door.

„Reggie.“ She got up and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. „I missed you.“

„I missed you too, Y/N.“

-

In her third year, Y/N found out about all the stuff that was going on at the Black house.

She just wanted to use the toilet when she saw her best friend crying in Moaning Myrtles bathroom.

„Reggie“, she breathed out. He raised his head from inbetween his knees that were pulled up to his chest.

„Y/N, I - You shouldn’t have seen me like this.“ He wiped his tears away, but a sob escaped his lips.

Y/N slowly made her way to him to give him time to decide, if he wants her here. But when he didn’t say anything, she kneeled down next to him and wrapped her arms tight around him.

„It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here now. You have me and always will. Shh“, she whispered in his ear. „Do you want to talk about it?“

Regulus didn’t want to. But he knew her better than anybody else and was sure that she would want him to talk anyway. So he told her everything.

In the end, both of them were crying and in each other’s arms.

„Come on. I got a good friend that has more chocolate than books. And let me tell you, that means he has a lot of chocolate.“ She got up and pulled him to his feet. Then, she dragged him to the Gryffindor tower and sneaked into the dorm of her brother where she stole a few chocolate bars.

-

In fifth year, Y/N started listening more to what the people around her said. And what they said was that she and Regulus were in a relationship.

Before summer, she didn’t think that she could actually be in love with him. But the more time she thought about it, she was sure that the butterflies in her stomach when she thought about him and the jealousy when she saw another girl talking to him, were love.

And who better ask for help than the most lucky person in love herself.

„James, I kinda need you help in something“, she had said.

„What’s on?“

„I - I think I‘m in love.“ The older boy‘s eyes had widened at his sister’s confession.

„Who is it - No, I already know it“, he had corrected himself. „Well, my dear sister, just talk to him I guess. I could ask Sirius if he knows anything.“

The girl had smiled. „You‘d do that?“

„Anything for my little sister.“

So she thought the whole summer about how to confess her feeling towards her crush.

When the teachers talked about their upcoming O.W.L.s, Y/N found herself watching Regulus as he twirled his quill between his fingers.

One time in the library, Y/N studied for the last O.W.L when Regulus sat down in front of her, a big smile across his face.

„Guess what?“, he asked happy.

„What?“ She was happy too, because she had never this such a big smile on his lips.

„I got a date.“ Her heart sunk and her face fell. But she reminded herself that she was his best friend, so she forced herself to a smile.

„Really? Must be a lucky girl then.“

„Yeah, she is amazing“, he said deep in thought. „She isn’t a Slytherin, Mother and Father are going to kill me. But she is worth it. She is beautiful. The most beautiful girl I have ever seen. When I saw her the first time in first year, I knew she was going to be the one I marry.“ His smile grew and grew by his words. And Y/N thought she was going to cry. „She was nervous, you know. I saw it on her face when she walked down the Great Hall. So I took her hand.“

She realised what he was about to say. „Wait - W-What?“

„You, Y/N. Sometimes I wonder how you’re one of the best in all classes. I thought it was obvious.“ She shook your head still in shock. „Well, Darling, you and me are going to Hogsmeade together.“

„We always do, Dumbass“, she retorted.

„We are going out. As in I like you and you like me back more than friends.“

„I‘d be more than happy about that, Mr Black.“

-

Their relationship wasn’t easy, not at all. They were happy when they had one day without a comment from anyone. When Regulus was back home during summer, he told his parents. And the owl that reached Y/N made her look herself in her room for days.

She was more than happy to see him in September. She thought about breaking up with him. The comments from all around them made her insecure about herself and their relationship. And, more important, his health and relationship with his parents worried her the most.

So she decided to talk to him after a few weeks back at Hogwarts.

„Reggie, can we talk for a second?“, she asked him when she was sure that he was done with eating dinner.

„What - Yeah, of course.“ He wasn’t sure why his girlfriend was so nervous. When they walked out of the Great Hall he wanted to take her hand, but she pulled it away.

„We need to break up“, she said when they were in the safe space of her dorm room.

His face fell. „What? Why?“

Tears welled up in her eyes as she saw the sad look on his face. „Reggie, please. You need to understand that-“ He cut her off.

„There is nothing to understand, Y/N. I thought we were doing fine“, he said not so calmly anymore. „What is it? Is there somebody else?“

„What?! No, you know I would never love someone else. There will always be just you.“

„Then why?! Is it the others? The comments?“ She didn’t say anything, but Regulus knew by the look on her face that it was exactly what had got her upset. „Y/N, don’t listen to them. They’re all idiots. I love you, okay?“ Both of them froze at what he said. „I didn’t want you to know this way, but yes, I love you. More than anything in the world. So please, give us another chance. I‘ll do everything to make this work.“

She stepped forward to hug him. „I love you too“, she said against his chest. „I’m sorry.“

„Don’t be, pretty girl. I know it gets hard sometimes.“

-

Regulus and Y/N. After Sirius and Remus the most beautiful couple. Even Lily and James looked bad against them. They went through hell, but still got each other.

When James graduated, Regulus took James part in keeping everything bad away from her. And she kept away the demons that followed him. But there was one thing she couldn’t stop.

He was a death eater.

He told her immediately when he got the mark. She was angry and sad. But not at him, at his stupid family that made him do what he did.

After they graduated, Regulus bought them a small flat near the one Remus and Sirius got. All of them became friends because of Y/N and James. But Sirius still hadn’t got over the fact that his brother was one of them.

But Regulus and Y/N were happy. More than that, they were engaged. No one from the black family knew, except Sirius of course. They wanted to wait until after the war to get married.

All happy and giggling, Y/N came back from her parents to Sirius and Remus‘ flat where everyone was supposed to meet. Regulus said he‘d be there too.

She opened the door and took her shoes off. „I‘m here!“, she beamed and went to the living room. Remus had Sirius in his arms while he was silently crying. James sat on a chair with his face buried in his hands. She heard the girls talking in the kitchen. „What’s going on?“

They looked up at her confused. „Y/N“, James whispered. „You haven’t -“

„I haven’t what?“, she asked worried. She had never seen Sirius crying before. „Where is Reggie? I thought he was coming too?“ Sirius broke down again and a tear escaped her eye.

James got up and hugged her. „I‘m so sorry, Y/N.“

She got out from his grip and looked at him. „What is going on? Where is he?“

„He’s dead, Y/N“, her brother whispered as the girls came in the kitchen and abruptly stopped when they saw the younger girl.

But she didn’t want to believe it. She couldn’t believe it. „When this is one of your pranks, James, I swear to my life ...“ But her brother was serious.

„We‘re so sorry, Y/N“, Lily said. She went to hug her, but she backed away.

„That’s not true“, she muttered. „You’re lying. I talked to him this morning. He said he’d meet me here. He said he couldn’t wait until the wedding. He - H-He-“ A sob escaped her lips and tears flooded over her cheeks. „Please“, she looked around the room and saw everyone’s sad gaze. „No“, she mumbled.

Her knees gave in and before she could fall to the ground, her brother caught her and pulled her in his embrace. „I’m right here. Shh.“

„He can’t leave me“, she sobbed into his chest. „He- He said he’d never leave me. Never. Why? Why did he lie?“ More tears ran down her face. She could barely breath. „I loved him.“

„I know. He loved you too. So much“, her brother said and stroked her hair. „It’s gonna be alright.“

„Nothing is gonna be alright! He’s gone! He is gone.“ She whispered the last part as her voice broke. „I can’t live without him.“

„You can, Y/N. It’s gonna be a rough time. But we’re all here for you. We can get through this together.“

But she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to live without him. Not without the love of her life.

[lebrookestore]

tape 5: play

Pairing: Zhong Chenle x reader

Themes: angst, ex! au, college-ish au, small town au. It goes back and forth a lot

Warnings: heavy angst, bittersweet ending, swearing, its very sad, chenle is a jerk

Wc: 6k

Playlist: 2 kids by Taemin, Gone by Rosé, Instagram by Dean, I still do by Why Don’t We, Believed by Lauv

Taglist: @danishmiilk @channoticedmeuwu @chicksung @1-800-seo @blueprint-han @jenosslut @cupidluvstarrz @kkakkdugi @sweetlyjaem @vera-liscious @leetaeyonglover @kunrengui @unknown5tar @kisshim @intokook @mrkcore @coco-riki

Summary: A year after your boyfriend moved away, you find yourself sitting in your room with five tapes, earphones, a cassette player and what you hoped, and feared, was closure.

Authors Note: hello! this fic was supposed to be a small blurb but then i got inspired and lo and behold its a full fledged fic! I can’t believe I wrote this in two days sdfjfjkfjk. Feedback would be very much appreciated for this, since I’ve never written anything like this before ;-;

Midtown, almost got a place out of midtown, Instead I took a plane out of this town, And missed out on us 

~

It was a sunny Saturday morning, as you pulled into your driveway, coming back from the store. 

Parking the car and getting the bags, you walked up to the door, knocking it and waiting. You were met with your mother’s smiling face as she took one of the bags of groceries from you.

You lived in a small sleepy town, and attended the college there as well, which meant you still stayed with your parents. You were fine with that, you liked living there, and you could forgo the stress and anxiety of having to re adjust to a new place.

This was your home. It always had been.

Of course, you had been on holidays to other places, you had visited the other town, but when it came to it, you had always found yourself back where you started. There was no other place for you, there never would be.

It was the truth, but it held something bitter.

Then again, you had enough going on already, with being in your freshman year, straight out of high school, college life was very different. You had been to a total of two parties so far, courtesy of your best friend— Lia— dragging you with her. 

You had enjoyed them, but it wasn’t something you would voluntarily participate in again.

The workload was something that had definitely changed, bogged down with mandatory lectures and assignments, tests popping up like a bad smell, you had more than enough to occupy you.

“Something has arrived for you!” Your mother said, almost excitedly, “It’s on the table.”

You helped her put away the groceries, walking to your living room, eyes falling on the package sitting on the table. It was somewhat shabbily wrapped, with tape haphazardly stuck on it to keep it together, and a tag pasted on the top.

Picking it up, you pass it from your right hand to your left, feeling its weight, reading the little tag. It held your address, your name and another name you hadn’t seen in almost a year.

Your mind ran at a hundred miles per minute, wondering why it was here, why his name was on it. It made no sense to you.

“Darling? Are you okay?”

Your mothers voice snapped out of your reverie, nodding slowly, “I’ll be in my room, finishing off a project”, you said carefully, trying not to show any sort of emotion as you climbed up the stairs of your house, two at a time, making sure not to drop the package.

Closing the door, you place it on your bed, reading over the tag again, a bitter taste filling your mouth. A name you hadn’t thought of in a year coming back now. It was so random, so absolutely unnecessary.

You curled your fingers around the messy brown paper, tearing it open as your mind reeled. The crackling sound filled the silence as the contents of it make itself known to you.

A shoebox.

It’s dusty, a dark blue colour with a line of red running at its side. There were two holes on either end, lined with metal piping and you could just about make out the nike symbol on the top. You brushed your hand over it, the dust coming off easily and sticking to your fingers.

Why would he send you this?

His name sticks out on the tag like a sore thumb, reminding you of what you lost, mocking you. Always content with where you are, hmm? His voice comes back, as clear as day. It’s as if he’s standing there, giving you his chesire cat grin as he spoke the words.

Zhong Chenle.

Lifting the lid off the box, you’re thrown into confusion. A cassette player, a pair of earphones, and five tapes. Picking up the player, you smile briefly at the dramatic set up. He could’ve called you, or sent a message, so why did he take the pains of sending you something as old and unnecessary as this?

Then again, it had been a year since he stopped picking up your calls, since you stopped trying to call him.  A year since all contact had been cut off, as if he had never existed in the first place.

Sometimes you wondered if Chenle had been a hallucination. An imaginary friend.

Friend.

The questions filter in. Why? It had been a year, so why had he sent you this now? You had finally told yourself you were over it, that you didn’t need an answer, but somehow as soon as you did that, you found yourself sitting in your room on your bed with what could be it.

The tapes were numbered in permanent marker in his messy handwriting, from one to five, indicating the order in which they were to be listened to in. You picked up the first, slotting it in the player and waiting.

You didn’t know what you were waiting for.

You pressed play. There was crackling, but only for a moment, until  it went silent. Maybe this was all a mistake, maybe this wasn’t even happening. Maybe-

i] tape 1: you deserve to hate me

Hey

His voice cut through your spiraling thoughts as you froze in place. He sounded the same as you last heard him, a little muffled due to the recording but the same. At the same time he sounded like a stranger. There was silence for a moment again, before he spoke up.

This is stupid isn’t it?

You felt the urge to answer, but your mouth went dry. It had been so, so long, and even though you had adequate time to get over him, it suddenly felt as if you were treading unfamiliar territory once again. 

I-I don’t know why I’m doing this. I think it’s because I feel so horrible, I need an outlet. I guess speaking it into existence and recording it makes is my outlet. Making it all real.

But that’s fucking terrifying.

You don’t think you’re following, confused once again. 

Y/n

You hear him take a deep breath right after your name, and it sends a chill down your spine, hearing him say your name once again. You had almost forgotten how it sounded.

I don’t know if you’ll ever hear this, or listen to it. If you don’t I’ll actually be glad. You don’t deserve to, I’ve been a jerk to you. I’m sorry. I hope you hate me, I definitely deserve it.

I’m moving in two months.

The realization hits you, this had been recorded a year ago as well, two months before he left without a word or warning. It was old, he was here when he recorded it.

You didn’t quiet know how you felt, not yet anyways.

And you won’t know until I’m gone.

I’m moving to Korea, and I refuse to tell you, even if it makes me the bad guy, even if it feels worse, because that’s my dream. 

I got signed by a record label after sending them that demo I did —remember it? We both went to the studio together, you listening outside as I sang. You were right by my side, all the time.

Except now when I record this, except when I leave. 

I refuse to tell you, because the moment I do I know it’ll be real, realer than it is now as I say it. I don’t want to see the look on your face when I say I’m going, I know it’ll make me want to stay, but I don’t want to stay.

You knew exactly what he was talking about, you could recollect that day clearly. There was a small studio a little outside the town. That day, he had booked it for two hours to record a demo, his singing mentor with him and you tagging along.

It had always been like that, the two of you against the world, until, of course he left.

I physically can’t stay, I hate it here Y/n. It’s not for me, I want to get out, that had always been the plan. I want to get out and be free, I want to achieve my dreams. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe I don’t deserve a minute more of your time, but I want it all.

That’s why I’m not going to tell you —so I can have it all, at least until I don’t have you.

But you, you don’t deserve this, do you? Of course you don’t, but I suppose you’re the one with the shitty luck, you’re the one who ended up with me and now I’m going to hurt you. 

He laughs a dry, breathy laugh. It was half hearted, as if he was trying to get himself to believe the situation was funny. 

It’s not your fault I-fuck I’m sorry.

You heard a click and the tape died off, he had stopped recording there. The first tape was finished, and honestly, you didn’t know how to react. One part of you wanted to feel nothing, you wanted to put the player and the five tapes back into the box and send them away, or lock them in your closet to never find them again.

But the other part of you wanted to know more. You wanted to know how he felt, what went through his mind during that time. You wanted to know just how you lost Chenle, the first boy you ever loved.

Suddenly you felt overwhelmed, vulnerable almost. It was as if someone had opened up an old wound and left it open.

You got to your feet abruptly, pulling the earphones from your ears and dropping them on your bed, taking a step away and blinking rapidly. You couldn’t get caught up in the past, you couldn’t put yourself through that again.

But it was hard when the past was in your present.

Wasted, and all of my regret, I can taste it, If I had a time-machine, I would take it, And make it back to us

~

That night you couldn’t sleep.

The box sat on your desk, right next to your laptop, staring at you. You turned around on your bed, looking the other way, only to be met with the white of the walls.

You never liked the colour white.

It was too plain, too open for interpretation. It never had a solid answer. You liked stability, you wanted something permanent. You were the type of person that needed that reassurance.

Perhaps that’s why you were happy where you were, you didn’t find the appeal in starting over, because that meant nothing was certain. You stayed where you were because everything was already laid out for you.

It was like a colouring book in your little town, the lines all set out, everything drawn for you. Change meant you had to sketch everything from scratch. What if you messed up?

Needless to say, it was a good thing you weren’t an art major.

“This is ridiculous”, you whispered to yourself, sighing at the fact that you were now talking to yourself. You rolled over so that you were lying on your back, staring at the ceiling. The glow in the dark stars shone with their dull green light. You remember the day you had put them up, with Chenle.

You shared a lot of memories with him.

“Fucking hell”, you hissed, sitting up, swinging your legs off the edge of your bed and walking to your desk, sitting on the chair. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you picked up the second tape, inserting it in the player and putting the earphones on, waiting for it to begin.

ii] tape 2: milk before cereal

I know I’m making some terrible decisions, I really do, but if there’s one thing I stand by, its the fact that milk definitely goes before the cereal.

Why am I talking about this?

Well, because today you came over, Y/n, you came over and the two of us were watching a movie, and in the middle of it, you decided you wanted to have cereal, specifically frosted flakes.

So what do we do? We have cereal because I can’t say no to you. You’re welcome by the way, honestly, I deserve the boyfriend of the year award.

A moment of silence.

No I don’t. I really don’t.

You bit your lower lip, shutting your eyes. It was the way he switched, the way his demeanor changes so suddenly that made you want to scream. Sometimes it felt like he was telling a story, one you knew and loved.

Only for the next moment to bring you down to reality, reminding you that all stories don't have happy endings.

Anyways, we got the cereal and you objected when I put the milk first, saying that it was wrong, but how? In what way? Here me out Y/n, I shall tell you why I’m right, even If I’m not actually talking to you.

You couldn’t help but scoff at this, shaking your head at Chenle. He had always had a flair for being dramatic in the littlest ways possible. It was endearing.

Putting the cereal first means it sits in the milk for longer! If you put the cereal last, you can have it crunchy! Isn’t that ten times better? Unless you’re one of the devils spawn and like soggy cereal. If so I’m hypothetically breaking up with you right here right now.

Ah...bad wording. I keep forgetting I have to break up with you. I don’t want to, is that selfish?

You deserve the truth, if only I was strong enough to give it to you. Staying silent is so much easier.

It’s not lying, not completely anyways. I’m not lying if I don’t tell you at all. I suppose it’s a half truth then, with the truth hidden in plain sight. 

*click*

Lying. That’s what he did, even though he spent the last few minutes of the tape trying to justify it, he lied. He trampled all over your heart without a single warning.

You had trusted Chenle, having known him since you were thirteen. He had completely destroyed that trust. Something like that couldn’t be fixed so easily, not even if he had sent you these tapes.

Then again, you didn’t know why he sent them.

You retreated to your bed, turning away from the tapes, the words and memories they held, facing white once again.

You had met Chenle when the two of you were thirteen, in eight grade math. The boy was failing the class, and one day you found him sitting early morning in class, with his head in his hands as he groaned over some sort of equation.

You had offered to help, and the smile he gave was the brightest one you had ever seen, he was practically grinning from ear to ear. That was the beginning of your friendship, and the two of you were inseperable.

Ninth grade it was confirmed that the two of you were best friends, sitting together, complaining about teachers together, going places together so your parents didn’t need to tag along.

In your last year of high school the two of you started dating, and when you had told your parents, they were ecstatic, confessing they had always thought the two of you would end up together.

He was always there for you, every time you needed him. You could give him a call and he would be outside your door. If you were feeling insecure or scared, he was always there to hype you up.

You had been best friends before, you were lovers then, and it was amazing. You loved everything about being with Chenle. You loved everything about him, from his toothy grin to his obnoxiously loud laugh.

You loved the way his eyes sparkled when he had an idea (which, for the most part, were absolutely terrible. Needless to say the two of you got in trouble a lot), when he sang for you when you stayed over, the way he would always make sure you were never cold.

You loved him.

It was written in the stars, you were meant to be, it was the perfect combination. Chenle was the right person for you- the perfect person.

A year later you woke up with him gone, no texts, no warnings. He had just gone, leaving you alone.

Right person, wrong time.

Monday came around sooner than you thought it would, the weekend passing in a blur as you walked out of your first class, spotting Lia leaning against the wall outside your class, scrolling through something on her phone.

She was an exchange student, not originally from your town, but had fit right in. Sometimes you wished you could be like that.

“Oh! You’re out! Listen, there’s a party on Friday and you’re coming with me”, she stated. It wasn’t a request, it was a fact, you were to go with her. In her own words, ‘if I didn’t exist you’d probably have no social life.’

To be fair, she wasn’t wrong.

You nodded defeatedly, walking with her down the hallway, “I assume you want to go because of the cute new guy?”

She glared, but didn’t refute your accusation, “His name is Mark”, she said, “And that is none of your business.”

You snickered, “Oh it so is, you like him don’t you? Is this going to be another one of your crushes?”

Lia was notorious for having a new crush almost every week, being a very flighty person, her mind changed before you could even say her name. This was a bit of a problem, considering you went to her for advice a lot.

Her indecisive nature was not the best for that.

She rolled her eyes at this, “He’s cute, why not? Wonder if I can get him to dance with me at the party. You’re going to be my hype woman-”

“And the sober buddy?”

Lia ignored that.

“Also there’s this new singer”, she said, handing you one of her earbuds, “apparently he came from here!”

Taking one of the earbuds, you were hit with a familiar voice. It sounded amazing honestly, catchy, everything a song needed, but it was the voice that hit you. You didn’t even need to ask Lia for the singer, swallowing the lump in your throat and glancing at her phone, which confirmed your suspicions.

Filling with some sort of dread, your hands immediately went to hold your hand, specifically the bottom where the cassette player and the tapes were. You had been carrying them around with you, as if scared they would disappear if you left them alone.

“Isn’t he good?”

You nodded, not daring to answer as you bit your lower lip, “Hey Lili, I need to use the washroom so see ya later”, you said, handing her the earbud and taking off in the other direction, pushing open the doors to the washroom and getting into one of the stalls.

You had stalled listening to the next tape all Sunday, you didn’t even know why, but hearing him sing, that fact that he had actually made it, it struck something in you. You wanted to feel proud of him, but all you felt was bitter.

Was it a coincidence that this new singer had come out- Chenle himself- right when you received the tapes?

Pushing the top of the toilet down, you took a seat, taking the player out and plugging in, you pressed play for the third tape, waiting for it to begin playing.

tape iii] ill miss our dates

Remember when we went for that field trip? Ninth grade? We sat in the back of the bus together avoiding the stares of our teachers when they told us to sit down?

Then they pulled us apart? Yeah, mean fuckers.

Anyways, that’s not what I wanted to talk about, I just felt like reminiscing for a sec there, but today we went of a date! Well, I mean we got ice cream and then went to the park, but hey, it was fun.

You smiled. He had always jumped from one topic to another without any meaning to either. Sometimes it was a frustrating habit, (you had been on the receiving end of these useless conversations several times, which ended with you glaring at him exasperatedly), but for the most part, extremely comical.

I’m going to miss that. I’m going to miss you. Your little smile — have I ever told you just how pretty your smile is? Your eyes light up and crinkle at the sides and its something I don’t think I’ll ever forget, even when I’m gone. 

You clutched the cassette player, marveling at the irony. He was talking about your smile, but why did you want to cry?

It’s a month left now, and I want to make the most of it. Tomorrow I’m taking you to the amusement part and then next week I’m surprising you with dinner. I guess doing things for you —for us — makes me feel better, like I’m compensating.

You deserve the world Y/n, and I want to see that world while you’re happy where you are.

You don’t deserve having to deal with me.

*click*

Your eyes burned, because you remembered each of those events. You had been so happy, so overjoyed at them. They burned with tears because there it was again, that reminder that you were destined to be stuck right where you were, because you were that idiot who was content.

But if someone, anyone, asked you at that very moment if you were happy, the answer would’ve been an outright no.

1 YEAR AGO

~

“Hey Chenle?”

“Hmm?”

“Why do you want to leave?”

The boy thought about this for a second, before smiling wistfully, “Don’t you want to know how it is outside home?”

“But everything I need is here.”

Your eyes held a question, you were genuinely baffled by his reasoning, the way he was so stuck of getting out. You studied your bewildered expression, shaking his head. “You’re lucky”, he said finally, “You know exactly what you want.”

“Of course I don’t, but I know what I need Chenle, and that’s all around me.”

He shook away his other thoughts, “Hey maybe we’ll go exploring the world together some day. 

You blinked, “You want me there with you?”

He nodded, grinning widely, “I want to take you along, Imagine, it’ll be fucking awesome, and hey this time there will be no teachers to separate us. We can even stand in the bus-if we’re taking a bus, that it.”

You laughed, “Maybe”, you mused, looking back down at your phone, “While I don’t exactly see the appeal, it would be fun to be with you.”

Chenle’s smile faltered, but he didn’t let it fall completely, wrapping his arms around you and sighing, closing his eyes and whispering something just loud enough for you to hear.

“Maybe.”

Why did it feel this way?

Chenle was right- you didn’t deserve this, you didn’t deserve to feel this way at all. It had been a year, so why did it affect you?

Why was it all happening at once?

You clicked your tongue, eyeing the player with contempt. You felt pathetic for being curious, for still feeling so attached to old news. It wasn’t as if it was going to change anything, so why?

Why did you still want to know?

Curiosity killed the cat. You wondered if knowing would somehow kill you.

No one was at home currently, so you sat in the living room on your couch. The items you were trying so hard to ignore were sitting on the small table in front of the couch, as if waiting for you to pick them up once again.

You wondered if you should tell Lia and ask her opinion about the situation. She may not be that helpful, but hell, she could help you burn the tapes if worse came to worse.

Sometimes you wished you had never met Chenle, that your history with him could be erased from your memories. You wished it never existed because fuck, it still hurt.

Taking a deep breath, you steeled yourself and pressed play.

tape iv] firsts with you

Do you remember our first kiss?

We were eighteen, in my room, playing Jenga. That was a year ago, oh god, I can’t even imagine, how has it been a year? You were wearing one of my shirts and jeans, your hair was in a ponytail. The two of us were sitting on the carpet on my floor.

You had successfully gotten one of the wooden pieces out of a risky area of the tower, but then it was my turn, it feel to the ground, destroyed.

I blamed you, and you laughed, and our banter continued. We argued and at one point I started tickling you to get you to shut up, because honestly-Jesus Christ Y/n you’re fucking stubborn.

Anyways I ended up on top of you and the two of us were laughing. You looked so pretty, hair messily scattered around your face as you attempted to get out of my hold. 

I leaned down and kissed you.

Your throat closed up as he spoke. Your eyes stung and you raked your hand through your hair, biting down on your lower lip. The way he was speaking about it, as if he would do anything to go back, it struck something in you.

Because if you had the chance, you would go back as well.

You tasted like that strawberry chapstick you liked to wear. I could tell you were surprised, because you didn’t kiss me back for a good two seconds  —which, by the way sent me into a panic for a moment there.

But then you kissed me, and fuck, it was like everything had stopped. I couldn’t think for a second, it was like the world had started spinning around me, and the only thing that was keeping me grounded, was you.

Was it supposed to hurt like this?

You sucked in a sharp breath, fingers fisted the material of your shirt as you tried keeping your composure. You didn’t want to cry, but he was making it so, so hard for you. 

You remembered how it felt when he kissed you, you were legitimately so confused, was he really kissing you? Your best friend, the boy you had loved quietly for so long, kissing you?

Chenle was your first kiss, and it was the most perfect first kiss you could have ever asked for, even if you were on the floor, with random Jenga blocks scattered around the two of you.

The smile you gave me after I pulled away, I wish I could remember it forever. It was goofy as you burst into giggles, and asked me, “What was that for?”

I blinked in surprise, wondering how you seemed so normal, when for me everything had changed. I had kissed my best friend, the one girl I care the most about.

I must have looked like a tomato oh god.

Instead of waiting for my to answer, you sat up, pulling me into another kiss. This time it was me who was unprepared. The kiss was messy, it had no structure or plan, but I realized in that moment, that I really liked kissing you, and I wanted to do it more often.

You became my girlfriend.

The wistful tone he was using was starting to affect you. You had loved Chenle, almost too much. You could almost feel that nostalgic happiness you felt that day when he kissed you for the first time, the disbelief and joy that wrapped around the two of you. 

A wave of sadness followed that nostalgia.

Our first date was so fucking awkward. We were at that little cafe you loved, you ordered a cheesecake and I got a smoothie, and then we sat in silence for a good five minutes.

It really shouldn’t have been that painful, considering we knew everything about each other already, then again that might be why it was awkward, I had nothing to ask you about.

So naturally I brought up school and that started it, the two of us complaining about the amount of assignments we had, and Mrs. Choi’s annoying squeaky voice- I swear to god that woman took a second for each word.

But I digress.

Slowly our conversation felt normal again, it was just us, eating cheesecake and drinking smoothies, together.

That wave of sadness crashed down upon you like a tsunami, trying to snuff you out. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, you were struggling to keep yourself together. You were struggling to stay afloat, you had lost any leverage you had that was holding you up.

You couldn’t fight the waves.

My flight is in two hours. It’s four in the morning and we’re about to walk through the door and get to the airport, but I wanted to talk to you once again, even if we’re not really talking.

I’m pathetic.

You’re sleeping, in your bed at your home, you don’t know I’m going because I’m the coward that refused to tell you the truth. I’ll be gone by the time you wake up and then you’ll know.

You’ll know how much of a waste of time I was.

And then you were angry.

You were angry because he had no right to just come back into your life like this, no fucking right to make you cry. He wasn’t even here, but somehow he had managed to make you fall apart just with his words, with his voice.

He had no right to tear your world apart, the little composure you had standing. You had finally accepted the fact that he was gone, you had moved on, and even tried to forget.

But here he was, making sure you could never forget.

You hated how selfish he was, how absolutely fucking oblivious. He had no clue, not even one as to how you felt when he just disappeared from your life, as if he never existed. He had broken you and here he was, breaking you again.

With trembling hands, you stopped the tape from playing any further, angry tears making their way down your face as you flung the player across the room. You had no intention of listening any further, you didn’t want to, you didn’t care.

Closure hurt more than him leaving.

You buried your head in your hands, letting yourself fall apart, but just this once.

tape iv] continued [unheard]

I’m sorry Y/n. I’m so fucking sorry. 

You don’t have to believe me, because I’m leaving anyways, so I suppose that cancels out my apologies huh? I’m the worst person you ever met. I’m not stopping, I’m not going to leave you a text.

Because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

I’ll be gone before we could ever be.

Should’ve believed in us, while we existed, cuz now the whole things fucked, and just a figment of my imagination

~

Time heals all hurt, and reminders bring them back, cutting through your skin like a knife, making you bleed.

A week later, you found yourself sitting in your favorite cafe, the same cafe Chenle talked about in the last tape. You ordered a cheesecake and a smoothie, inserting the fifth and final tape into the player.

The last time you did this, you were left hurt and distraught, promising yourself you would never go back to listen to him again. You had put the shoebox in your closet, hiding it behind your clothes that hung from the rack.

Yet here you were.

You didn’t bother finishing the fourth tape, you didn’t see the need to. 

This tape, you observed, was newer looking, with less scratches on the plastic, even the marker on the side looked more recent, a little rushed if you went into detail. 

The cheesecake and drink arrived, and you took a bite, pressing play.

tape v] play

Hey.

He sounded a little different too, older perhaps. His voice was smoother, but he sounded unsure of himself. It sounded as if he was trying to figure out how to approach the topic. He was being cautious.

It’s been a while. I...I don’t know why I’m doing this. There’s no point- you’re not even here. I found these stupid tapes yesterday in my dorm when I was cleaning out and gave them a listen.

Silence.

I envy you, Y/n. I wish I was like you, happy wherever I was. But I’m not, and I probably caused you great unhappiness while trying to search for my own- but I was happy with you, so happy it was ridiculous.

I sabotaged that.

You sighed, realizing you felt nothing. You were tired of crying over Chenle, you were done doing that. Instead you felt empty, like you had been tired out, like it didn’t matter anymore. At this point you were to get it over with, to finish it off on  clean ending note.

My song comes out next week, and it’ll be done. I’ve made it Y/n, I’ve gotten to where I wanted to be, the place I had worked so hard to get to. I’ve sacrificed so much for this and it’s all been worth it- except one thing.

I don’t expect you to listen to my song, I just wanted to tell you. I..I hope you’re proud of me. Even if I was a jerk, I hope you can be proud, at least a little bit, because then I’ll have finally made it.

I miss you.

The same words are at the tip of your tongue, I miss you, I miss you so fucking much, but they never came out. They didn’t have to, it would be useless. He would never hear them.

Instead, you swallowed them back down.

And even though I made fun of you for staying home, I hope you’re happy like I am, I hope we’ll meet again one day. If we do I challenge you to a game of Jenga, loser buys the winner ice cream.

I-fuck this is the hardest part- but I hope you’ve moved on. One of us has to.

*click*

You don’t take the tape out of the player, you don’t touch it at all. You feel oddly calm as you take another bite of your cheesecake, savoring the strawberry reserve that it came with it. You could almost imagine yourself at eighteen again sitting opposite your new boyfriend.

You missed it, the memories that came along with it. That was it, you missed the feelings you had.

But you were okay. You would be okay right where you were, because that’s where you belonged. It hurt, yeah, but it had hurt back then as well. Now it was just a dull ache, all that was left was regret.

Regret that it didn’t work out, regret over unspoken words and unnecessary pain.

A familiar song filled the cafe as you smiled somewhat sadly, leaning back in your seat and closing your eyes.

“I’m proud of you Chenle”, you whispered, “Because you did what I couldn’t”

You left the cafe a little later, with the cassettes in your bag, an empty plate and the smoothie sitting on the table, untouched. After all, that smoothie wasn’t for you.

There was nothing to wait for anymore. You had loved and you had lost, Chenle was a stranger with your secrets and a familiar voice and that was it. 

You had forgiven him a long time ago, even without him being deserving of it. Now with all the loose ends being tied up, it felt like you could finally let go of him, you could finally move on.

And forget.

[hqshine]

—Realising their feelings for you—

characters: Nishinoya, Tsukishima, suga

genre: angst to fluff?

type: headcanon

extras: wrote this cause i was in my angst feels guys, it’s raining what a mood. Anyways i’ve already seen all the requests and it’s gonna come slowly sorry ^^ Also i’m thinking about creating a tag list, if you’re interested please drop a message!

The two of you were close friends

both mature yet childish and stubborn at the same time

you’ve always felt differently with suga

sure he was your go to friend for any of your troubles and you’ve shared secrets with him that it almost felt like he was more of a best friend

but your heart always skipped a beat around him

he was always welcome to physical affection

When the team has movie nights, they would invite their unofficial member, you

during movies, suga would hold your hand or hug your waist loosely while you slept on his chest

which always made your heart flutter and you couldn’t even focus on the movie infront of you

but you’ve always known that Suga never felt the same that you did

He’d always tell you about a girl from this other class

She was pretty, smart, mature, reliable, kind

he would say

you’ve always kept quiet about your feelings, even giving him advice when he consulted you about confessing to her

One morning, suga came up to you. “I finally asked her out” he smiled brightly

your smile dropped and your heart raced

we’re you hearing him correctly

yes, you’ve always known that one day he was going to find someone

even her

but you just

didn’t expect it

“She said yes, Y E S y/n. God i’m so happy” suga exclaimed

his smile was the only thing that kept you from breaking down in class

“i’m happy for you Suga, last long” that was the last sentence you said to him

it’s been a few weeks, close to a month now

you knew avoiding him was...immature

but listening to him ramble about her, was gut wrenching

you saw them a few times, walking down the hallway, in her classroom

Suga tried reaching out to you but never did you meet his eyes once in the past few weeks

but recently your phone has been buzzing more than ever

it’s been irritating you and you’ve hardly touched it after suga started dating her

you sighed once more as another notification was sent in, telling you that you missed someone’s call and that they left you a voice mail

you opened up your phone and your eyes widened at all the messages from Suga

you played his most recent recording

“Hey y/n i know we aren’t exactly talking now...well s-she wasn’t exactly honest. I guess to her using me to make her ex jealous was such a great idea. I-i’m sorry that i’m the reason we haven’t been talking much. Ah, i-i also heard from someone about your—your feelings for me and i know this isn’t the best way to tell you, but i’ve been thinking a lot about it. I missed you these past few weeks. A lot. more than you can ever imagine. I missed your smile, your rambles about the lasted mangas you’ve been reading about, your homemade bentos you shared with me, your laugh, everything. You know what this wasn’t a good idea—i bet you won’t even talk to me after this. I’m sorry for not seeing it before, that the girl i really liked. Was you”

Your eyes widened as your phone slipped from your hand

his voice was shaky and it was obvious that he had been crying but, his message was still clear as day

You ran, all the way to his house

“C-come out” you panted into the call

“Y/n—y/n? wha?” suga said as you heard shuffling in the background

he quickly exited, and met with you

Your hair was messy, you were sweating in your hoodie and pajamas pants but you were still gorgeous, how he had never looked at you clearly before he would never understand

Suga immediately wrapped his arms around you and nuzzled into your shoulder

“I-in your voicemail, is it really true, do you really like me?” you asked him softly, your eyes welling up with tears

Suga looked up from your shoulder and and hugged your cheeks with his palms

“I know, i know it hasn’t been long since i dated her. But please give me a chance, please wait a little longer” he pleaded

You wrapped your arms around his neck, bringing him close

“I will” you whispered

“Kiyoko-senpai, you’re so gorgeous as usual” Nishinoya exclaimed along with Tanaka, both following her around like a puppy

You bit your lip, looking down at your sketchbook instead to distract yourself from the pain

Harbouring feelings for the second year libero hasn’t been easy

Constantly hearing him compliment other girls, comparing yourself, new insecurities

you didn’t understand why you liked him to be very honest

but you were also lying to yourself

His energy, his comfortable vibe, his smile and his eyes made you fall head over heels with Nishinoya

“Y/n-chan, what’re you drawing today?” he shouted, coming up to you

“i’m not sure yet Noya-kun” The two of you were best friends since you two were young

He defended you against middle school bullies and the two of you have been inseparable ever since

You realised your feelings for him after coming into High school

which was when his crush for your senpai began

You had nothing against Kiyoko-senpai, she actually gave you some advice and helped you several times with your homework

but, it wasn’t nice hearing him compliment her, as selfish as it sounded, you wanted on of his compliments to be directed to you

After training, You and Nishinoya walked back home together since the two of you lived near each other

“Yuu?” you asked him as he hummed in reply

Your heart pounded, “c-can i tell you something”

it was now or never you thought.

He nodded and focused on what you were going to say, “I liked you since we entered high school”

Nishinoya’s eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks

you looked down, twiddling with your fingers

“i know you like Kiyoko-senpai, but it was something i just had to tell you because i didn’t want to risk our friendship.” you flashed a fake smile to him

“don’t worry, i never expected you to return my feelings. this won’t change anything, i promise. So, you can still continue to like senpai” you mumbled, feeling the tears pooling at your eyes

The whole time, Nishinoya didn’t say anything

his mouth was agape but he just couldn’t find the right words

you sighed, and walked away not before saying, “Have a nice holiday noya-kun” flashing him a fake smile

he could see your tears and he noticed your smile that was different

Nishinoya stood there, thinking about what you just said.

he closed his eyes and the memory of your tear stained face filled him with guilt

he knew he couldn’t return your feelings but, why did he feel so sad when you said “nothing is going to change”

The break wasn’t very, enjoyable

you worked different part time jobs while Nishinoya attended trainings

the amount of times he let the ball from the opposite team his the ground was uncountable

he could barely focus and he just stared as the ball hit the ground for the tenth time

everyone groaned, noticing how their libero wasn’t paying attention

he had even stopped giving out compliments to the beautiful manager during that time

the only thing on his mind was you

training ended early that day, as they wrapped up and Nishinoya apologised for not doing well

you blew out a breath of smoke as you stared at the christmas tree infront of you

It was huge and reminded you of the joyous occasion that was arriving

Usually, you and Nishinoya would be playing at the park, having snowball fights, making angels and snowmans, and falling sick together later on

You haven’t spoken to him since that day, because of your busy schedule and his trainings

You hid your hands in your pocket, noticing how cold it was

“Y/n” a familiar voice called out to you

You turned around to widen your eyes at the sight of Nishinoya slightly panting and in his training clothes

“N-noya? What’re you doing here, aren’t you cold?” he shook his head

taking out his gloves and reaching for your hand

“You always forget your gloves don’t you, ever since middle school” he slightly laughed at the memories

“i don’t like them, they aren’t comfy” you pouted and looked away

Nishinoya held your hands, “Y/n” you looked back at him

“it hasn’t been the same. Now everyday has been boring, distracting because i keep thinking about you.” he said

“i know i’ve always expressed my ‘love’ for Kiyoko-senpai, but the person that i really love is you” your eyes widen yet again. You shook your head

“No Noya, she’s perfect, good grades, the best looks, reliable, mature, kind? Why would you like me when you have her” you said sadly

“Kind, loyal, fierce, immature, stubborn, adorable, caring, beautiful, intelligent” he began listing

“Y/n, i love you and not because you’re perfect, you have qualities that make you, you. Qualities that i love about you. Most importantly, you’re you. The girl i had a crush on since middle school, since you offered me that star wars bandage after i defended you. I’m sorry for not realising it sooner, but please, let me make it up to you” Nishinoya said

his showed his desperation and his voice expressed his love for you

“of course, and i love you too yuu”

You were always by his side

you’d greet him good morning at the lockers and even sent him home

Tsukishima hated it

he found you annoying

like a leech he can’t get rid of no matter what

you didn’t know how exactly did you fall deeply for the cold beanpole but you certainly liked him a lot

from his honey blonde hair, his taste in music, his intelligence, sassy comments and precious rare smiles

you’ve always tried to get him to notice you, making him bentos, reaching school early to greet him and even following him home after his trainings

one day

“Tsukki, i like you, would you please go out with me?” you confessed to him. Your blush could not get any redder as you bowed

Tsukishima scoffed

“with you? seriously?” your hopes fell as you stood up but looked away

“i would rather date the king rather than you. You’re annoying and if i could get rid of you, i would’ve done it earlier” he spit out

each word stabbing you deep in the heart

he turned around and left

you glanced at the macarons you made for him and the letter that you had written

they were all dinosaur themed, hoping to gain more of his attention

You were crying by then

he really thought you were nothing but someone annoying

From that day on, you hardly spoke to him

Everyday tsukishima would turn up expecting to see your face again, but you were no where to be found

in the beginning, he was satisfied, realising he was able to chase you away. But slowly, he realised how disappointed he felt when he didn’t hear you greeting him and the sight of your adorable smile adorning your face

he realised he finally chased you away

now he walks home alone, whenever he turns around unconsciously you weren’t there, he could only feel your presence in his memories

“Tsukki wait for me!”

“Good morning Tsukki, i made you some cookies today”

Tsukishima sighed as he packed up his books, he was too lazy to buy his food at the cafeteria and you didn’t prepare anything for him so he could only starve till school was over

“Tsukki i heard some boy asked Y/n out” this gained Tsukishima’s attention as Yamaguchi returned from the vending machine with drinks

“i was buying the drinks when i overheard them” yamaguchi said

tsukishima didn’t do anything except for opening his drink

“tsukki you should talk to Y/n” yamaguchi advised. “She hasn’t been herself lately and the whole class feels it too”

Tsukishima took a sip of his drink

“Tsukki, are you okay with some other guy taking care of her?” Yamaguchi questioned him

that was what made tsukishima put down his drink

jealousy was all he felt

he didn’t like the thought of someone else making you smile, making you laugh. What if you left forever? for another guy?

Tsukishima immediately left to find you and dragged you away from the guy

“what are yo-?” you exclaimed as tsukishima slammed you against the lockers and placing his hand next to the locker beside you

“i take it back” he said

You were confused, “i missed you, i realised my true feelings when i didn’t have you. I need you, please give me a chance. i like you Y/n” he says

you smiled as you hesitantly wrapped your arms around him

“One chance”

[peterprkrsbtch]

sapphire - part 2

Peter Parker x reader

A/n: Part 1 is up on my page! There’s a couple flashbacks in this one so I put the dates before so it doesn’t get confusing. If you enjoy this one, like or reblog to share! I already wrote part 3 and it’s my favorite one yet so that’ll def be up soon :)

tag- @juliannaamonroe​

Warnings: swearing, make out, violence

(September 1)

We’re one minute away. Come out hoe!

You smile as you read the text, glancing at yourself in the mirror again, nerves and excitement ablaze in your stomach. You’d been planning for this day since last winter, and now it was finally here. You adjust your carefully styled hair and double check that the natural makeup you applied was sitting on your skin correctly.

Of course it was. That goddamn injection sometimes made you feel like a vampire out of twilight and sometimes you still got surprised when you saw your own face while passing a mirror or a particularly reflective window. You smooth down the ruffles of your short black skirt and tug the top of your tank top down so a bit more of your curves show.

You put on your white sneakers and tug your shirt back up to cover your chest again. We’ll have to work up to that, I guess. A long honk sounds from outside your apartment building and you curse as you scramble to grab your backpack and phone before running down and out the front steps.

“Awwww,” You say sweetly at the sight of the two girls who had become your best friends. “That’s the shirt you were wearing when we met, Ally.” You jokingly brush away a tear, pretending to be ultra touched.

“Best damn day of my life.” Ally says from her spot in the drivers seat, laughing at your dramatics. She may be joking around, but her sentiment makes your heart clench. This year really was going to be different.

***

(July 3)

You quickly realized you needed to find some Midtown friends if your plan for senior year was going to work. If you dared to show up looking, well, like you do, completely alone and friendless, you might become even more of an outcast than you were before. The first month of summer had been the least lonely time of your year so far, thanks to a certain Spiderman.

The two of you spent most of your nights together, flying through the city, fighting crime together, and talking. The “slow” nights that used to fill you with boredom quickly became your favorite when he was involved. The sound of his laugh and the jokes he makes during fights quickly became the highlight of your days.

But you couldn’t let yourself get too distracted by him. After all, neither of you knew what the other looked like. The only other boy you’d ever found remotely cute (other than celebrities) was nerdy Peter Parker from your high school. He wasn’t your usual type and he seemed to be just as shy as you were, so you had little (zero) hope that it would ever lead to anything more than a smile during the hallway if you accidentally made eye contact.

Sorry Spiderman, but no way in hell are you gonna make me lose my focus. The loneliness you had felt through the last three years of high school was too much. Your plan had to work. So that night as the two of you patrolled together, you softly mentioned that you were going to a pool party tomorrow and wouldn’t be able to meet.

He seemed a bit disappointed, but you brushed it off, trying to remember the names of the girls at your school who seemed nice. Peter, however, couldn’t focus on anything other than the fact that you had told him where you would be tomorrow. There was only so many pool parties in a city like New York.

You tried not to think about who was under the Spiderman mask out of respect and, to be honest, it seemed like a pointless endeavor. Peter was not the same. No matter how tired he was from patrol, he always had time to lay awake before he fell asleep and picture what you would look like under the mask.

There wasn’t very many people who understood Peter’s secret life. None, actually, until you. Maybe that was why he was so intrigued by you, because you were so similar, but in his heart he knew that wasn’t it. He liked you. And he hated himself for it. But once you mentioned the pool party, he made sure to take one long last glance at the color of your hair before you two said goodbye. Just in case he happened to see that same hair tomorrow.

(July 4)

You were so, so nervous. Your closet of exclusively sweats and hoodies was trashed as Part 1 of your plan, much to your mother’s happiness. She had always been honest about her hatred of your junior year clothes and was extremely excited to purchase everything you needed. As distant as she was, you had to give her a little credit.

Although you’d been wearing the new clothes for the past month, this was the first time you were doing it so publicly. Your denim shorts exposed miles of smooth leg, and you’d decided to wear a red tube top in honor of the holiday-not to mention it really showed off your curves. You’d meticulously done your hair and makeup like you’d been practicing the past month and prayed that somebody would talk to you today.

You’d seen the flyer for the Fourth of July party on Instagram, which had been step 2. Unfortunately, you had two followers. Your mom and her boyfriend. Step 2 is a work in progress.

One long walk later, and you’re in front of the address. You swear you could explode of nerves right there, but instead you take a deep breath and force your legs to carry you inside the house and towards the people out by the pool.

Your eyes are so focused on your destination, the glass sliding door, that you barely notice when you bump shoulders with someone, causing you to drop your phone.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” You say, reaching down to grab your phone.

“Oh my god, stop. That was totally my fault.” You stand back up to see the girl who was speaking, and you recognize her immediately. Her name is Ally, and she’s a part of the most popular group at school. Despite her long black hair and sweet smile, you haven’t heard many good things about her. Not the type of person you were looking for.

“Do you go to Midtown? I don’t think I’ve seen you around.” Ally says, making no move to walk away from the conversation.

“Yeah, actually. My name is Y/n?” You don’t miss the way her eyebrows raise and her eyes widen with confusion and shock. You’re embarrassed now, realizing maybe you weren’t as invisible as you’d thought. In an effort to explain away the last few years, “My dad left a couple years ago and it was pretty hard on me, but I’m all better now.” You flash the most dazzling smile you can manage and hope she accepts it.

“No way, mine did too!” She gasps as she grabs your hands. You feel a small pang of guilt at that. It was a lie, you had no idea who your dad was and frankly, you didn’t think your mom knew either.

The conversation starts to flow between you and Ally easily as you make your way out to the pool. “This is my best friend Betty.” Ally introduces you to the sweet-as-pie girl and the three of you quickly fall into a conversation like you’d known each other forever. A few of their guy friends tried to come up and talk to you, but she just waved them away. “Leave us alone, we just met our new best friend.”

You felt bad for judging Ally so harshly earlier, blindly trusting the stupid rumors you’d heard about her. Popular or not, the three of you got along better than any of the other friends you’d tried to make throughout your life. They do briefly make fun of your instagram before forcing you to take and post pictures with the two of them by the pool. They both tag your account.

Peter didn’t seem to share the good luck you did. He’d dragged Ned to 6 different pool parties across the city and saw no one who looked like Sapphire. Disappointed, he spent the night patrolling alone and dodging fireworks.

***

(September 1)

Since that day, you’d become a trio with Ally and Betty. The day after the pool party you’d woken up to nearly 1,000 followers on your instagram. Everyone from Midtown who never gave you a second look when you had your hood shoved over your head now wanted to be your friend.

The three of you spent the rest of your summer days together, and you fit into the popular friend group better than you could have imagined. Maybe you watched too many teen movies, but you expected them to be mean. The only mean one was Flash, and even he was basically harmless. You’d given up Saturday night patrols with Spiderman for a weekly girls night with your new best friends. You thought having new friends and a bustling social life would’ve made it easier to forget about Spiderman, but somehow he seeped into every area of your life.

That damn laugh. As Ally and Betty sing along to the radio loudly, you bite your lip to stop a dumb smile from rising to your lips. God, just thinking about him made you flustered. As Ally drives into the school parking lot, nerves bubble in your stomach.

As if you aren’t stressed enough, your brain decides this is the perfect moment to remind you of the one night this summer you and Spiderman haven’t talked about since.

*** (August 14)

The two of you were sprawled out on a gravel rooftop next to each other. Not the most comfortable of relaxing spots, but you’d both grown tired of flying around under the summer heat with no hint of trouble for miles.

“This sucks.” Spiderman huffs out.

“Rude.” You reply quickly, even though you know he isn’t talking about you.

“Oh, no,” He immediately sits up. “I didn’t mean you suck, I just meant, you know, because there’s not much going on right now and it’s hot and-” He sees your cheeky smile and stops himself with a laugh. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s cute.” You bite your lip. The fuck did I just say? Before you can begin to explain, he jumps to his feet.

“Spidey sense, let’s go!” You jump up too and follow after him as he jumps off the building. Thank god. I’ve never been so grateful that someone’s in trouble. The fight was tough, even with the both of you. These men had strange guns that keep firing at you and Spiderman even though you’d tried multiple times to crush them with your powers.

“The guns are magic-proof! I can’t destroy them!” You yell over to Spiderman as you take down one of the men in between punches.

Somehow, two men get ahold of their guns and corner you. Just as you start levitating to fly over them, a web shoots from somewhere behind them and the men and their guns are yanked away. Spiderman wastes no time and you swear he seems angry with the two men as he webs them to the wall next to their friends before picking up the guns and violently smashing them on the ground.

You’re still frozen in shock, watching him. When he seems to be satisfied with the broken pile of guns on the floor, he runs back over to you. “I’m so sorry, I know we promised-” You finally break out of whatever trance you were in to place a finger over his lips, casting a disgusted glance towards the men staring at you from their webbed cocoons.

“Not here.” You say quietly, and fly the two of you quickly up to the roof. He blinks for a second, his head spinning from the speed. You rarely use your full speed, especially with him, but you had to get out of there. “Okay, go ahead.” You say after a second of silence.

“I’m so sorry, I know we agreed not to get in each other’s way, and I know you can handle yourself, probably better than I can. Hold on, I didn’t mean I handle you. That sounded weird. Anyways, I just got so angry when I saw those men pointing their guns at you I had to-” He’s talking about the agreement you two had made when you first started working together. You both obviously were skilled, so you agreed that you wouldn’t interrupt each other’s fights unless asked.

“Spidey, I really don’t care you interrupted. It was hot.” JESUS CHRIST NOT AGAIN. You immediately winced and slap a hand over your mouth. “Oh my god I did NOT mean to say that I’m so sorry.”

Your rambling is cut off as Spiderman’s hand travels up to the bottom of his mask and you think your eyes might fall out of your head with how wide they become as he begins to pull it up, revealing the soft pale skin of his neck.

His jaw, chin, and then lips become visible as he lets the mask rest on his nose. The 0.5 seconds that have passed since you stopped talking feel like an eternity until he suddenly leans forward, crashing his lips into yours. Spiderman is an amazing kisser, you decide, as you gently kiss him back.

WHAT AM I DOING? Your mind is going haywire but instead of stopping, you deepen the kiss and nearly smile when he lets out a low moan. Everything you’ve told yourself about focus and distractions flies out the window when his gloved hands clutch your waist and pull you closer to him than you thought possible.

It feels like it’s only been a second when he pulls away, but your eyes flicker to his swollen lips and you know it must have been longer. You smile as you stare at his lips, only inches from yours, but as your gaze moves to the rest of his exposed skin the smile drops slowly.

Your rational mind comes back. It’s easy to forget when you’re with him that you’ve only known each other a couple months. How could you do this? Your first time making out with a boy, and he doesn’t even know your name.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” You whisper as he starts to say something.  “Sorry, what were you going to say?” He blinks slowly and takes a deep breath before stepping away from you.

“Nevermind. See you tomorrow.” And he swings away from you. You silently curse yourself for being such a big mouth, wanting to know what he would have said. You can’t help the small voice in the back of your head, telling you that you made the wrong decision.

You raise your hand to run your fingers along your tingling lips before flying home as fast as you can.

***

(September 1)

You wince at the painful memory before reminding yourself everything was back to normal the next day and neither of you mentioned it again. You still weren’t sure if that was good or bad. You force all thoughts of Spiderman out of your brain and even give Ally an encouraging cheer when she successfully parks on her first try.

You don’t remember Midtown having so many fucking students last year, but maybe it was because they were all staring at you. Any confidence you’d had as you opened Ally’s car door had disappeared as everyone around you turned to gawk. The bright smile you’d pasted on a second ago quickly fell and you glanced at Ally nervously.

“Come on, girls!” She says enthusiastically, grabbing an arm from you and Betty as she breaks the brief moment of awkward silence. God bless you Ally. As the three of you hoist your bags over your shoulders and make your way into the school, you mouth a quick thank you her way, hoping she can see your genuine appreciation. She smiles at you. “I’m happy we’re going into this year as three instead of two.”

Betty leans forward to smile at you. “Me too, y/n. I’m really happy you’re here.”  You smile back brightly. There really was no one as sweet as Betty.

“You won’t be so happy I’m here when I talk your ear off during class.” The three of you continue laughing and joking your way down the hall to stop at your lockers.

“Oh my god, is that Y/n?” Ned interrupts Peter’s latest ramble about his night with Sapphire. Usually, he really did listen. Ned was fully invested in the superhero love story, as he called it, unfolding. But the sight of a girl notorious for hiding in her own baggy clothes across the hall in a miniskirt and tank top was more important.

“Y/n?” Peter asks, confused why Ned wasn’t paying attention. But when he turned around to see what Ned was staring at, he understood. He’d seen you around school the past three years, but never like this.

You looked like a fucking model. And everyone in the hall couldn’t help but stare. “Holy shit.”

“Right, dude?” Ned breathes out, the two of them shamelessly staring. “Why didn’t that happen to me over summer? Oh my god, of course she’s friends with Betty.”

Peter laughs as his best friend goes on about “two pretty best friends” but he can’t take his eyes off of you. The light in your eyes as you joke with your friends, making them double over in laughter, feels strangely familiar. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking on his part because you’re extremely pretty.

He watches in surprise as you and Ally walk up to the AP Chem classroom, waving goodbye to Betty sadly as she heads off to English. You turn to walk into the classroom after Ally, but you pause and look back down the hallway-right at him. Instead of yelling at him for being a creep like he expected, you smile at him widely before heading into the class. He exhales deeply and glances down at his schedule quickly, a smile appearing. AP Chem.

Of course his thoughts are still consumed by Sapphire, but it was hard to ignore you especially after seeing his name on the seating chart next to yours in the back row. Plus, Sapphire was the one who’d shot him down after he finally tried to make a move after catching onto the hints he thought she’d been dropping.

He felt bad for thinking that about her, he didn’t blame her at all. He knew there was a million reasons they shouldn’t be together-and he didn’t want to know specifics on why he wasn’t good enough. Sapphire hadn’t brought up that night since, and he was fine to pretend it never happened.

You were already in your seat at the lab table, but Ally was still standing next to you waving her hands wildly as you two spoke. He doesn’t want to interrupt so he freezes in place, unsure of whether or not to go sit down. He’d thought you were cute, and a little shy like him in freshman and sophomore year and he remembered the many times he would look at you from across the room like he is now.

His eyes had been quick to find you whenever you two were in the same room ever since the first day of school freshman year when you smiled at him in the hall. Even last year, when all he saw of you was a curled up lump at your desk or a sliver of hair peeking out from behind your hood he still noticed you.

Luckily for him, the bell rings and he slides into his seat just as the teacher begins speaking. “Hi, Peter.” You lean over to him, your shoulders nearly touching, and whisper so the teacher doesn’t hear. “I’m y/n.” You smile warmly as his cheeks and ears turn light pink.

“You don’t have to introduce yourself. We’ve gone to school together since we were 6?” Now it’s your turn to be embarrassed and you purse your lips together.

“No, I know, just-” Peter notices you seem a bit frustrated as you glance around the room and then lean even closer to him. “Everybody thinks I’m new.” You nervously mess with your bracelet.

“You do look a bit different.” He points out and you raise your eyebrows before sighing slowly and shrugging.

“I was just sick of feeling invisible, you know. Not because I care what anyone here thinks. Last year was just, really, really lonely.” Peter watches you intently as you speak, hanging onto your every word.

Your confession made him sad. If only he’d been brave enough to ask if you were okay. You pause for a second and meet his eyes. Any other guy in this school would’ve laughed at you by now. You gesture to your outfit and nervously adjust your skirt. “I’m also not a superficial person. It wasn’t about changing how I looked, I just needed the confidence to put myself out there.” You pause and nod towards Ally with a smile. Peter glances over to Ally and sees her blow you a kiss, which you catch across the room with a giggle.

I miss you! She mouths with a dramatic frown and this time Peter laughs quietly with you. “I thought she was a bitch before I met her.” He looks at you with surprise to find you smiling at him. “But,” you hold up a finger for dramatic effect, “because I put myself out there, I met my best friends. A lot of people around here judge on appearances. I’m not like that anymore.” You say with confidence.

“That’s really cool of you.” Peter whispers back, and the sound sends an involuntary shiver down your spine. He’s so close to you and the feelings you thought you left behind two years ago don’t seem so left behind as you stare into his warm eyes. “For the record, I’d be your friend no matter what you look like.”

Peter has only been this nervous a couple times before in his life, and he can’t help but feel like he’s betraying Sapphire with the way he’s thinking about you. He watches as you smile warmly at his words and extend your hand towards his.

“Friends? Even though I'm so much uglier now?” You pout your bottom lip out, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. He nearly laughs out loud and has to remind himself you’re still in class. “I know guys go wild for the homeless man sweatpants look.” You’re both trying to hold back your laughter, shaking silently in the back of the class as he raises his hand and grabs yours.

“Friends.” Peter isn’t sure why he keeps going, but he does. “And just so you know, you were never ugly. I don’t know why you tried so hard to hide yourself last year, but even then,” the words leaving his mouth sound confident but Peter takes a deep breath before looking up from his lap to meet your eyes. Your wide eyes and surprised smile give him just the confidence he needs to finish. “You could never be ugly.” Peter can hear his heart beating.

You blink at him. This boy could not be real. Here he was, basically implying that the one thing you had wanted all along, for somebody to notice you, was true. Not only was it true, but it was Peter fucking Parker telling you this. Despite everything that had changed you in the past year, the giddy feeling in your bones brought you back to sophomore year and pining over Peter.

“Really?” Your smile spreads and he seems to let out a deep breath of relief.

“Yeah.” He smiles back at you until your sweet moment is interrupted by a fat ass syllabus dropping onto the lab table in front of you.

“Fuck,” you whisper. “This class is gonna be so much homework.” You turn the page so Peter can briefly see the list of projects alone, and it’s enough to make him cringe.

Something about the way the whispers travel back and forth between you all class makes you realize you hadn’t fallen into a friendship this easily, even with Ally. Even with Spiderman, your brain points out.

A red and blue suit swings into your mind and you are hit with a wave of guilt. Not two hours ago I was thinking about my make out with Spiderman, and now I’m comparing him to Peter? 

You have all but one class together, and you can’t help but glance in Peter’s direction any chance you get. The only time you don’t see him is at lunch, even though you look all around the lunch room for him or the boy he’d been standing with this morning. You thought it would be too creepy to ask him where he’d been.

Finally, the last bell of the day rang, and you were sure if you didn’t have superpowers you would’ve been exhausted. School is kinda draining when you actually acknowledge people. Ally and Betty share your complaints about being tired on your drive home, all three of you agreeing you need naps. You kiss them both on the cheek and wave goodbye before heading up to your room.

Forget what I said about having superpowers. I’m fucking tired. You lay down on your bed, groaning into the pillow at the thought of having to patrol tonight. You sat up abruptly. You’d never dreaded patrol, it was always the thing you looked forward to. You glance towards the suit in your closet and sigh.

It’s not patrol I’m nervous about. It’s him. You feel incredibly guilty about today. I’m not a two timer. If I want to like Peter, I have to talk to Spiderman about that kiss first. You start to make your way over to the closet before another wave of exhaustion hits, sending you straight back to your bed.

After a nap. Then we’ll talk.

[asphalt-cocktail]

Finding my way back

Summary: Nearly a decade after you and John break up you manage to find your way back to him.

A/N: Hello my dears! So I wrote this for Beatle and Queen secret santa exchange! Apologies it’s not heavily Christmas/holiday themed; it does take place during winter so I hope that counts for something. I hope you enjoy your fic as much as i enjoyed writing it @sweetrosetta-martin​! I wrote this after I heard the song Green Papaya by Lianne La Havas which makes me feel some type of way. Also shout out to @casafrass​ and @moodysunflowergirl​ for putting this together! Thank you for all your hard work and organization for this! 

Pairing: John Lennon x Female!Reader

Warnings: Okay friends, we’ve got a bit of everything in here! It’s got some mild illusions to smut and steamy smooches, some angst, some fluff, pinning, longing, break ups, cigarettes, alcohol (I think), swearing, we’ve got Teddy boy!John and 70s!John. But no actual smut. 

Word Count: 5.4k

Your heart ached in your chest as you sat in front of John, “What do you mean we can’t see each other anymore?” Your voice cracked with emotion.

John watched your watery eyes from behind his glasses and let out a deep sigh, “I’m going to be touring a lot and Brian wants us to move to London, so I just…” His own voice cracked with emotion, “So I just don’t think we should keep seeing each other.” He looked away unable to maintain eye contact with you.

“But we survived Germany!” You protested back, “It will be okay, I can visit you when you have shows nearby,” You wanted this to work, being with John felt like home. You sniffed, “You know like wait backstage with flowers and everything.” You said and began to rub your stinging eyes.

You were right, the two of you had survived Germany, but it was only because it lasted a few short months and your relationship was open out of respect for the two of you; John didn’t know how long this Beatles thing was going to last and from the looks of it, it was going to last quite a while. John rubbed the tears from behind his glasses, smudging his finger along the lenses and clouding the vision of your perfect face. He squeezed your hand tightly in his own, “It’ll be fine I promise,” He said pausing to kiss your knuckles, “I love you [Y/N] I really do, and if it’s meant to be we will be together again.” He gave you one last chaste kiss; your faces were wet from tear and it was sad and short lived. You embraced him tightly inhaling the scent of cigarettes, mint gun, and a smell that was so distinctly John before finally letting him go to part ways.

The two of you exchanged letters for the first few months of his first tour, but at this point it has been so long that you didn’t remember who stopped writing who and honestly, why did it matter? John was constantly an aching thought in the back of your mind, and you had constant reminders of him from posters to news articles, to full size cardboard cut outs that sat in record stores. It seemed everywhere you turned you saw him which only increased the yearning.

It took several months but you finally found yourself back in a routine that didn’t include John, it was almost like when he went to Germany except this time he wasn’t coming back for good. You finished up school, found a job working in marketing, and had several shitty boyfriends before you found yourself in New York city working in the marketing division of a fashion brand and met Noah. He was nice, but he wasn’t John.

He didn’t smoke cigarettes, or wear glasses, and couldn’t understand art. But he was here, and the sex was pretty okay.

Noah was nice and he made you a pot of coffee every morning he slept over and didn’t try to pry too far into your personal life. All around you didn’t have any qualms with him; it just didn’t feel complete.

The scent of freshly roasted coffee drifted through your home as you woke up with your alarm clock blaring in your ears. You sat up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes and rolled out of bed. Noah was busying himself in the kitchen, you should just ask him to move in at this point. “Did you get the paper?” You asked sitting down at the table.

“On the counter, love.” He answered before grabbing it and sliding it across the table towards you. Much to your surprise in big bold letters on the front page “PAUL SPLITS THE BEATLES” were plastered across it. Naturally a picture of the doe-eyed man you once called a friend accompanied it as well as a smaller picture of the group.

“Fucking Christ.” You mumbled to yourself and turned the page, hoping to find something else to read, some couple getting married or some advice column, but no, your eyes continued to draw themselves back to the fab four and specifically John. He looked wildly different now; long hair, glasses, eccentric wardrobe all made him look almost unfamiliar

You finally gave in and read the article; from what you observed in the news and on television tensions were high between the four and it seemed as though fame had gotten the best of them, “Crazy, right?” Noah asked handing you a cup of coffee, “Who would have thought? It looked like they were going to be together forever. But get your riches and split I guess, yeah?”

A sour feeling filled your belly, John and Paul cared more about the Beatles than Noah could ever know. The idea of get rich and dip was ridiculous, wasn’t it? “I don’t think that is the case.” You mumbled before abruptly getting up to get ready for work, forgetting your morning coffee.

It had been almost a decade since you had last seen John, and a lot could have changed. He was no longer the tough teddy boy you had grown to love. His hair had grown out and he was with Yoko Ono now, from the looks of if they were essentially attached at the hip. A part of you hoped you and Noah would never achieve that level of need in your relationship.

Unfortunately, as months passed there seemed to be no other way to progress your and Noah’s relationship and one day he slept over and never left. You no longer had your own space to escape to or much alone time aside from when Noah came home an hour after you from work. You felt throttled and frankly didn’t like it, nor did you like Noah much anymore. It seemed like the right step though, after three years of dating; you could tell Noah craved monogamy.  

Your day at work was long and exhausting. All you could think of was your hour of peace and quiet before Noah came home and talked about his boring life at work. If you had to use a color to describe your life it would be grey, dull, boring, no vibrancy or excitement.

New York was full of bright vibrant colors and never slept; it was much livelier that than the cloudy northern United Kingdom city you once called home, but in the small apartment that you lived in there was constant monotony. Waking up, making coffee, going to work, coming home, reading and making dinner, going to sleep; only to repeat that for five days in a row and then sit around the house during the weekend, or leave to get groceries if you were lucky. If you were unlucky, Noah’s accountant friends would come over and talk your ear off about their corporate work life you just couldn’t wrap your head around.

Your mind was swimming with thoughts, mostly about your stagnant life as you navigated your way off the subway once you reached your stop and walked off. It was loud and cramped as everyone flooded off; you kept your head low and pushed your way through the crowd. A firm, but boney shoulder pushed into you causing your thoughts to flee and your brows furrowed as you looked up, “Watch it, asshole.” You mumbled under your breath and looked up before you froze.

Your eyes locked with a pair of eyes that were all too familiar and all the breath in your body seemed to leave, “[Y/N]?” John asked you, seemingly just as shocked as you were.

Despite being in the subway station the world around you stopped. A few sputtering words came out to form an incoherent sentence as you were consumed with shock. Your body became ridged and you sharply exhaled before turning and continuing your short jaunt home.

That night you laid on your side and your mind was consumed with so many thoughts, mostly John if you were being honest. You’d thought you had long since blocked the ghost from your memory, but it appeared that seeing him caused a number of memories to rouse from the depths of your consciousness. You hated it. John Lennon was once again living in your head rent free.

Noah gripped your side and kissed along your shoulders and neck while his hand rubbed your hips and slowly began to wander upwards towards your breasts. The sudden touch caused you to jump, “Not tonight,” You mumbled trying to sound tired.

Noah let out a soft sigh before giving your shoulder one last kiss, “Sorry, you had a long day, love.” He said pulling you close against him and resting his head on your shoulder. As you pretended to sleep you laid in your bed and stared at the wall of darkness in your room.

When the hell did John come to New York?

Did he live nearby?

Was Yoko with him?

Questions swirled around in your mind; questions that would not get answered unless you actively sought out an answer.

As sleep consumed you, you dreamt of John.

The Reeperbahn had a smell you would never forget. You didn’t know cities could have distinct smells until you traveled to Germany to visit John for the first time since he had left Liverpool. It was a combination of pollution, beer, and a smell you had hoped to never figure out what caused it. From his letters this place seemed larger than life, and when you took your first steps off the train you saw it was.

John tackled you with a warm hug, he smelled like sweat, beer, and cigarettes, “You stink.” You grinned and laughed as he kissed your face all over.

“Our options are kind of limited, love.” He grinned and wrapped his arm around your waist keeping you close to him as the two of you walked down the busy street.

He took you to a restaurant, you honestly hadn’t expected him to take you on a date especially with where you were and how little money he had. “Come on, I’ve got a show in two hours,” He grinned, excited to have you watch him play.

“And then we met this group of Germans, they’ll be at the show tonight. I know you’ll love them.” His eyes crinkled as he smiled at you, “Stu is going with one of them, Astrid. She’s great too, her ma lets us shower at her place and makes us dinner sometimes.” You soaked in all the stories John had to share.

His life seemed so exciting here in Germany, but you could see how exhausted he was beginning to get, “You’ve got to hear how we sound now, Pete’s still shit, but Paul, George and I are really getting better.” He shifted in his seat and poked at his food, “I don’t know if Stu is going to stick with us much longer though; he’s been talking about going back to art school.”

That night you and John slept cramped together in his little bunk bed in the back room. You woke up to him rubbing your arm with the tips of his calloused fingers and he kissed your shoulder.

Rolling over you captured his lips in a soft kiss, he tasted of beer and cigarettes and he clung to you, holding you so close it almost hurt. Breaking the kiss, he began to pepper soft kisses along your jaw and neck, “I love you so much,” He said between heavy breaths.

“I love you too John.” You responded letting out a soft whimper as his fingers began to rub you through the cloth short wore to sleep.

With a gasp you shot up in bed, coated in a layer of sweat and looked around the still dark room, wide eyed. Noah rubbed his sleepy eyes as he woke up, “What’s wrong, hun?” He asked.

You gained control of your breathing once more and laid back down, still uncomfortably sweaty; “Nothing, just a nightmare.” You answered and swallowed thickly.

---

For weeks, John plagued your mind and you were starting to convince yourself that you hadn’t truly seen him and that you were just going crazy. Your sleep was becoming more and more restless as time went on. It got so noticeable that even Noah questioned it.

“Take some time off, hun, you work too much.” He said.

So that was what you did. You finally had a week off after what felt like ages.

It was nice, but you were barely half a day into your vacation, and you began to feel restless. What could you possibly do to fill your time?

Your mind began to wander and drift off to thoughts of John; a wave of nausea immediately washed over you. “I need to leave.” You abruptly said and grabbed your purse and house keys before leaving your flat.

You soon found yourself at Central Park. Despite it being autumn, the weather was nice, the kind of nice where you look outside, and it seems warmer than it is. The breeze was soft but brisk you walked through the park enjoying the breath of fresh air. As you walked through the running paths you admired the changing leaves and the crunching sound they made under your feet.

You eyed a bench that overlooked The Lake, so cleverly named, and brushed the fallen leaves that covered it before you sat down. For once you felt like your mind was free from worry and the anxieties that had been consuming you the last several weeks.

That was until you got up and saw a familiar figure walking down the path that would directly cause yours. A shot of adrenaline shot through you and your heart began to race. It was as though your fight or flight responses had kicked in and they were telling you to get the fuck out of there. You frantically looked around and it felt like a lose-lose situation with whatever option you chose. So, you stayed; how bad was it going to be? Maybe he wouldn’t even notice?

John walked past your little out cove and glanced at you and then looked again, “Fucking hell.” He mumbled stopping in his tracks.

The two of you stood frozen, staring at each other for what seemed like a lifetime before John finally broke the silence, “I thought I saw you at the subway station.” He said bluntly, his familiar voice causing a warm feeling to erupt in your belly and spread to the tips of your fingers.

You opened your mouth and closed it, trying to think of something to say, “You did.” Was what you finally spoke.

“Right,” He sighed, looking down in defeat.

You stuffed your hands in your pockets and shifted the weight on your feet, “Do you want to sit?” You asked abruptly.

John looked at you through his round lenses and nodded, “Sure, I could sit for a while.” He answered.

The two of you sat across from each other on your respective benches, “So, how long have you lived here for?” John asked watching you nervously pick at your fingers.

You looked up from your hands, “About 6 years now.” You leaned back, now feeling confident enough to study his features. His face was thinner, age lines had begun to map themselves out on his face, and his hair was messily layered and framed the sides of his face nicely. He was still as handsome as ever, “How long have you lived here for?”

John cleared his throat and pulled out his cigarettes, placing one in his mouth, “About two years now,” the conversation was weird, like the two of you didn’t know what to talk about. You watched as John’s long fingers light his cigarette, the spicy smell filling the space between the two of you and the smoke delicately curling up towards the sky, “So do you work near by or something?” He asked casually crossing his legs and resting his arm on the back of the bench.

You shook your head, “No, I don’t I just needed to get out of the house.” You said, staring at the reason you felt urged to leave your home in the first place, “I only live about six blocks away. It’s a nice walk.” You added, your stomach suddenly feeling sour as you remembered Noah.

John hummed, inhaling deeply on the cigarette the ember burning a bright red before dimming ever so slightly, “Do you work at all?” His tone came off ruder than expected, but you knew he didn’t intend for it to.

“Marketing.” You answered simply. Your brain swam with question you had for your former lover, “Do you live nearby?” You asked returning the question back to him.

John nodded behind him, “The Dakotas.” He mimicked your shortness. You looked and could see the large building peaking out from the tops of the trees.

You hummed, “Must be nice.” You said flashing him a closed mouth smile.

“It is.” He added and stood up, taking one last deep inhale before stubbing out his half-smoked cigarette in the snow and putting it in his pocket, “You look good, you know.” He said, his eyes studying your seated form before settling on your face.

Suddenly feeling self-conscious and very aware of your existence you crossed pulled your winter coat tighter around you, “So do you John.” You responded, “You’ll have to show me your place sometime.” You boldly suggested.

John flashed you a crooked smile before fishing around in his pocket, “Call me and I’ll see if I can fit you into my schedule.” He said before handing you a business card. Of course, he had business cards.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes as you took the thick and expensive paper and pocketed it, “I’ll have my people call your people.” You allowed a smile to break your nervous features.

That night your mind saw no peace. You sat in the bathroom staring at the business card in your hand. It was nearly 3 am and the delicate gold letters reflected in the shitty florescent lights that made your eyes ache as you repeatedly read the phone number and name.

The rest of your vacation it seemed as though you were not going to get the mental break you so desperately craved. You watched as Noah left for work and felt a pang of guilt rising in your chest; a pice of you felt greedy for wanting to see John again. So, you figured it would be best to tuck it away in the back of your mind to the place where your other thoughts of John lived and put the card away in a shoe box and tried to forget.

---

Forgetting about your interaction with John seemed to work well, that is until you and Noah broke up.

He stood in the doorway with the boxes of his things. You could tell he didn’t feel great, and neither did you. But a piece of you felt thankful that he was finally moving out. After seeing John your body craved the spontaneity that he used to give you, and the spontaneity that Noah had lacked.

Once the last of his things were moved from your apartment you felt as though a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You felt good, like a breath of fresh air. You busied yourself by rearranging your home and filling the empty spaces that Noah left after he and his belongings vacated your space.

As you moved your shoe boxes and rearranged your closet a business card slipped from the tear in one of them. It was the one that John had given you only a few months ago.

Your breath hitched in your throat as you stared at the intricate gold letters you familiarized yourself with that night that seemed so long ago. You looked at the clock, it was only 4 PM and you had hoped he wasn’t busy.

You curled up on your couch and held the phone receiver against your ear listening to it ring as you absentmindedly played with the stiff card in your hand.

“Hello?” You instantly recognized John’s voice.

“John?” You responded back, “It’s, um, it’s [Y/N]” You felt a surge of nerves pulse through you.

“You know, I expected you to call sooner.” John skipped the formal greetings.

You couldn’t help but let out a nervous laugh, “Yeah, sorry about that. I suppose nerves got the best of me.” It wasn’t a whole truth, but a half truth, “Do you think you’d be interested in showing me your place sometime?” you asked remembering back to the conversation the two of you had several months prior.

John hummed and you could hear the soft rustle of paper in the background before he cleared his throat, “Yeah, I suppose I could fit you in. Did you want to stay for dinner?”

Your heart thudded in your chest, “Dinner?” You question out loud and let out a puff of air, “Yeah, I suppose I could.”

“Right, so 6 o’clock sound good?” John asked, “I can send a car for you.”

“A car?” You asked, not accustom to the luxuries of being a Beatle, “I can walk it’ll be fine.”

John let out a sigh, “It’s freezing outside and nearly pitch black. You aren’t walking.” He said firmly.

“Fine.” You answered in defeat and gave him your address to send the car.

“Right, be ready by 5:30.” He said  

“Shit, okay.” You said before bidding him farewell and scrambling to get ready. The sleek black car arrived and drove you to the Dakotas. It was nice, far nicer than any building you had ever been in before. The driver walked you up to John’s apartment and let you in.

The room was decorated in a hodgepodge of John’s interests, from music to art to antiques; with everything tastefully on display. John walked out, dressed casually in a shirt, jeans, and no shoes and drank in your figure as you stripped off your jacket. You shifted nervously under his intense gaze, “So, you wanted a tour, yeah?” John asked.

You nodded and watched as he crossed his arms over his chest, admiring how his biceps flexed and bulged when his hands rested in position, “Yeah, a tour.” You said secretly hoping this would amount to much more than a tour.

John stretched his arms out, “Well welcome to my humble home.” He greeted in a grandiose manor.

Humble, right.

John’s home was more extravagant than you could have imagined. It was much better than the apartment he lived in with Stu or the back room they had in Hamburg and even better than when he lived with Mimi. He had several cats that roamed around his home; it made you smile and remember the time he brought a stray home and convinced Mimi to keep him. It seemed as though old habits died hard when it came to John.

The two of you made your way back to his living room and he sat down on his couch, “Come on, sit.” He said patting the spot next to him.

“Oh,” You abruptly said, not noticing you had been standing in the middle of the room studying the various things on the wall, “Right.” You quickly sat on the couch uncomfortably stiff, “So… dinner?” You asked.

John nodded his head, not having forgotten the food and pulled out a box of take out menus, “Do you want to order something, I haven’t gotten much for groceries this week.” He admitted sheepishly.

You rifled through the various menus in his collection, “So,” You started, “Where is Yoko?” You asked honestly wondering where his other half was.

“We’re separated right now.” He said sounding uncomfortable.

You glanced over at John and noted his somber expression, this was obviously a topic he didn’t want to talk about. “Sorry to pry.” You said before sliding him the menu of one of your favorite Chinese restaurants in the area.

“It’s a valid question.” He stated, now intently focused on the menu, “What about you?” He asked, peaking up to glance at you before quickly looking away.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, your love life and what not.” He followed up quickly.

You shifted uncomfortably, “Oh, well my ex just moved out today.”

John arched one of his thick brows, “Hm,” He grunted, “Nice lad?” He questioned.

You shrugged, “Yeah, I suppose. Just boring.” You answered thinking back to the stale and stagnant version of your life that was your reality only a week ago.

John watched you frown in distain before he got up to place your orders, “What did you want again?” He asked.

“The number 23 dinner special with an eggroll.” You had your order memorized.

As John placed the order on his telephone, you listened to the sound of his muffled voice and leaned back on the couch. It was interesting how despite not seeing each other for nearly a decade, you still found your way back to him. One of his cats climbed their way on your lap and purred as you scratched behind its ears.

“She likes you.” John said as he walked back into the room, “Food should be here in 45 minutes.” He said plopping back down. The black cat nuzzled its head into your head and let out a soft meow.

“What’s her name?” You asked enjoying the attention your newfound friend was giving you.

“Salt.” He said, a smile cracking his features.

“Salt?” You asked letting out a small huff of laughter.

“Her sister, Pepper is somewhere around here.” He said reaching over and petting Salt, scratching her behind the ears.

Your 45 minutes with John was spent chatting and catching up, he talked about Mimi and told you that she asked about you often and he never knew how to respond, and you talked to him about how you finished college and began your marketing job.

It was interesting how the two of you were able to smooth over the awkwardness of your conversation in just a few short hours, unlike your previous run ins. The familiar warm feeling you would get every time you’d talk to him quickly returned. When your food arrived the doorman from the front of the building brought it up and the two of you laid out your spread on the coffee table.

John walked over to a shelf of movies and pulled one out. He turned towards you, flashing you the box. It didn’t surprise you when he showed you Clockwork Orange. It was a very John movie, “Want to watch it?” He asked smiling softly.

You nodded your head, “Pop it in.” You said waving your hand towards his television.

The movie played in the background as the two of you continued to talk and eat your takeaway, “How are you doing?” You asked.

“I’m fine, how are you?” He responded a confused expression plastered on his face.

You shook your head, “No, John I really mean it; how are you?” You said giving him a sympathetic expression.

Putting his chopsticks down, John sighed, “I don’t know.” He pursed his lips deep in thought, “I mean I suppose I’ve been better.” He answered honestly, “I mean, my wife left me, my friends I’ve known for the last two decades don’t really want much to do with me.” John shrugged his should and looked away from you.

You nodded your head reaching over and grabbing his hand, rubbing it with your thumb before you patted it lightly and pulled it away. John chased your hand with his own and laced his fingers with yours. The rough underside of his palm brushed against your soft ones. The contrasting touch made you shiver, “I missed you.” He said and squeezed your hand.

John brought your hand to the side of his face and pressed your palm to his cheek, leaning into the warmth of your hand, “I missed you too.” You said as you thumb stroked his cheek bone. He turned his face and kissed your skin.

Your breath hitched in the back of your throat and the feeling of John’s lips burned into your palm. You watched him, his eyes closed and a calm expression taking over his tense body. Slowly you slid closer to him, closing what little space was between the two of you, “John,” You said breaking the soft silence that had settled between the two of you. He hummed and looked up at you urging you to continue, “You know what you told me when we broke up?”

John looked down, you could tell that the topic hurt him as much as it hurt you, “If it’s meant to be, we’ll find each other.” He said softly now looking at your fingers as he played with them.

In this moment he just looked like John, you’re John you had last seen nearly a decade ago. You pulled your fingers away from him and cupped his face, forcing him to look at you. Hesitantly you moved closer to him, feeling the warmth of John’s body radiating off him. Your heart thumped loudly in your ears as your noses touched, lightly brushing against each other.

A soft whimper manifested itself in the back of your throat and trickled out when you felt John press his lips against yours. He pulled your close against his chest and held you against him tightly craving your warmth and body. Your mouths moved with a familiar synchronicity, so familiar it caused your stomach to ache as you frantically clung to John. Your hand managed to fall from his face and tangle itself in his shirt as you tried to pull him closer.

The way your nose bumped against his glasses reminded you of when you were 18 and sneaking into Mimi’s house, giggling as he told you to quiet down while the two of you kissed. You couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

John pulled away and left open mouth kisses on your chin and jaw and finally on your kiss. He immediately went to his favorite spot placing a wet open-mouthed kiss on it. You gasped at the feeling and craned your neck urging him for more.

Which he gladly gave you, pulling more sweet sounds from your mouth. He pulled back and studied your face through hooded eyes. John’s hand came up and he stroked the side of your face with the back of his hand. His touch was light and the back of his hand soft. You let out a sigh and leaned into his touch before looking back at him.

You laid back and pulled John against your chest. He responded by wrapping his arms around you and nuzzling his head into you, “I’m sorry for what’s happened John,” You said and admired the weight of his body against yours.

John rubbed his face into your chest and didn’t look at you, “Stay the night, please.” He pleaded with you.

You rubbed his back as he clung to you, your heart ached hearing the loneliness in his voice, “Of course.” You said and kissed the top of his hair. John hummed with content feeling your fingers tracing patterns against his back.

The following morning you woke up next to John, his arm firmly wrapped around you and hair buried in the back of your neck. You turned around and wrapped your free arm him while your other remained pinned on your side. John let out a soft sigh and pulled you close against his chest and kissed the top of your head. You’d forgotten how much you missed and craved affection. You moved to leave, and John pulled you back, “Don’t leave me,” He said softly.

“I have to use the bathroom.” You said smiling and turning towards John.

He let out a playful groan, “Fine.” He said rolling over and sprawling out on his bed like a starfish.

When you returned John was still in the same position, you’d left him in. As you crawled back into the bed John’s arms slithered around you like a snake and pulled you into his chest. You inhaled deeply, missing his smell and smiled against the thin shirt he wore to bed.

In just a short amount of time the life that had once felt so grey and strange was now beginning to once again feel like home.